the internet sensation

Life is like Jessica Alba's pit bill licking your face.

2008-07-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a job interview at a home high up in the hills of Beverly Hills. I arrived ten minutes early, as I do for almost everything, and sat on the couch and tried to decide who I should text while I waited. I didn't get reception and it was physically painful.

It didn't really matter though as there was much to distract me. A tiny dog was incessantly yapping, there was what I assume to be an adult son, a man that spoke with a British accent who I think was a realtor, a Mexican landscaper and some other guys who I think were involved with other home improvements. But I sat quietly on the couch, stared out the door to the pool in the backyard and watched a white pit bull breathing on the window, wagging its tail at me. I like pit bulls and automatically made some high pitched greeting. I couldn't figure out why the tiny dog was allowed in, but not this one, who clearly wanted in in a serious way.

Then my potential boss arrived. I hear her before I see her and what I hear loud and clear is: "I'M GOING TO SUE JESSICA ALBA!" This phrase is repeated several times. She enters into the living room and opens the door. The pit bull bounds over to me and jumps on her couch and licks my face. And that's when I learn that this is Jessica Alba's pit bull that is licking my face. And this dog is NOT welcome. It's a nice dog, but potential boss lady is getting sick of this dog always in her yard.

Apparently Jessica Alba just moved into the house behind her, which is up a serious incline, making it easy for Pit Bull to jump over the fence. And since potential boss lady is fond of leaving the doors open, on more than one occasion Jessica Alba's pit bull has wound up in bed with her. Okay, I get it. But suing?

So I begin following this woman awkwardly around the kitchen and into the backyard, as is everyone else, who is clamoring for her attention. And the next thing you know, she is screaming up the hill to Jessica's Mexican landscapers "Woooorker! Excuse me! Wooorrrrkerrrr! This dog is down here AGAIN!" And homegirl looks crazy. I'm suddenly embarrassed for everyone involved. Mainly her, but I can't really make eye contact with anyone, because I'm not sure what the appropriate emotion to feel is in this instance, I just know what I am feeling I should not express.

And then I realized that this is exactly the type of situation that I find myself in more often than not: random people, random places, opulent wealth, clothes I don't feel quite comfortable in and the vague feeling I should not be there.

So this is my life, y'all. If you change around a few variables each time, and string together incident after incident like this, you will have a good idea of what it feels like to be me. It's actually kinda fun.

I'll let you know if I get the job.

"Untitled Williamsburg Project"

2008-07-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

I love Tina Fey. I do. I love that she creates things, writes things and then also performs in them. I love that she is hot. I think Liz Lemon on 30 Rock is fabulously constructed and perfectly played. Basically I want to be Tina Fey. Well, not really, because I've never liked SNL and don't like sketches really at all, but I want to be hot and funny and make TV shows and movies and be in them. And I think she and I would totally get along. And we both wear glasses. (Yes, in case you all didn't know. I wear glasses. Like, all the time.) See?

The more whimsical Gina Lemon.

Also, that's Salvation Mountain, not my bedroom, though if you thought it was, you have a clear understanding of what I'd like my bedroom to look like.

I once wrote Entertainment Weekly and told them they should put her on the cover. A few months later they did. Coincidence? I doubt it. So basically I'm a little bit in love with her.

So about two months ago I was excited to find a script of hers at Ex's called "Untitled Williamsburg Project". I purloined it without a second thought, since I knew he would never read it (it was in an untouched pile of scripts), plus he always accuses me of taking shit, so I might as well actually take something every now and then. Yes, I thought I scored. Tiny Fey and Williamsburg! (I used to live there so it holds a special place in my heart even though it's a bit douchetastic these days. In the above picture, my t-shirt says "Brooklyn" on it. The parallels never cease. It's a bit illegible, but whatever.)

But anyway, as of press time, I still haven't finished "Untitled Williamsburg Project". I pick it up every few weeks and I still haven't laughed once.

I keep thinking maybe I'm confused. I am not going to pretend I get screenwriting. Every time I've read a script the writing seems conversational and yet forced at the same time. Phrases and descriptions are casual and yet it follows a strict format. Screenwriting has always been mystifying to me. It all seems awkward to me and I thought reading a script written by one of my inspirations, I'd finally get the cryptic art. Alas.

So this has raised a few possibilities for me: Maybe I would also read 30 Rock and not think it's funny. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Or maybe I'm retarded. It's all possible.

I checked imdb and found that "Untitled Williamsburg Project" now has a title and a star attached. And I just don't get it. Maybe other people read it and found it totally hilary, or maybe people can just see her vision and just know it'll be uproarious. I'll give it an interesting premise...it's just not making me laugh to read it. But Tina Fey and Borat? It HAS to be funny, right? I just can't believe I'm wrong in finding this script ass boring. Seriously. If anyone else wants to read this, let me know. I'd like a second opinion.

But only time will tell. Until then, I still love you T-Fey. Hit me up and we'll throw down some comedy.

Chow Down

2008-07-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's funny to be with really really rich people. I don't feel entirely out of place, as I've been to the same places and don't exactly come from the sticks. I eat at the Brentwood Country Mart, can navigate all of the Beverly Hills shopping district and know what Northern Trust is. I've even been there.

It's just different to me though to act like it's normal to have a home in three or four cities on two continents. I am still looking for one place here. My mom and I don't discuss whether or not she should get the Balenciaga dress. (We are more likely to discuss whether or not I am on drugs, although in all fairness, I think many people that know me discuss whether or not I am on drugs.)

Last night we all went to Mr. Chow for a family meal. Again, I've been to Mr. Chow with my family. But it's different when the entire staff greets you with hugs and the paparazzi takes your picture as you leave. It's just a bit different. I'd like to think this is all acclimating me for when I finally get my own sitcom on premium cable and have a string of celebrity romances that are extensively covered and speculated upon in Us Weekly and various internet blogs. But until then I'm happy to cozy up to the eastside and pretend I'm a hipster (I may look cool, but I could never be real hipster cool. I like reality TV too much.) and live with other people who hope their checks clear each month. These days I'm more broke than Bel Air.

All in all my proudest moment of the day was being the only one to get the little man to stop crying when he was tired and cranky and it was way past his bedtime. I did a quick execution of The Bubble Dance that I had invented earlier that day and through the tears he started doing The Bubble Dance too with instant joy and spontaneous whimsy. That kid rocks my world.

Say yes.

2008-07-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

So it's abundantly clear I'm not writing much these days. Yesterday I got an email bitchslap from Flipit because of it. So this week I'm back on Denise, and here and maaaaybe even gonna think about starting that short story.

In the meantime, here is a list of things that have been occupying my time this summer:
1) Watching a lot of MXC. A lotttttt.
2) Refreshing Craigslist all day everyday looking for random ways to make money.
3) Getting free passes to high vis gyms in West Hollywood.
4) Reconnecting with coffee.
5) And wine.
6) Going out with cute boys who cook meals and have big TVs.
7) Chasing Hermes around Beverly Hills.

Which brings us to Hermes. This week I finally started the celebrity nanny stint a few hours a day just to see how we all like each other. Over the past couple years I've been a lukewarm part-time nanny. I've been fortunate to have all great kids, but it's been a paycheck, not a career. But for the first time I have to say I LOVE this kid. Like, abnormally, I love him. He is fun and funny and smart and totally chill. We were like instant BFFs.

Yesterday I went with the family to an event in West Hollywood that looked a lot like an episode of "Entourage". (A ton of typical LA girls and Adrien Grenier, who I've seen out in the world twice now, and I'm not unconvinced he's not just Vinnie Chase.) And in the midst of this swank event, (my mom won't believe it) I have never been happier to be walking around with a baby. Like myself, he wanted to continually be by the massively-tiered cupcake stand. And I seriously had the most popular date in the joint. The kid is an attention magnet. Another thing I can totally get behind.

And best of all, at 21 months, he's already highly googleable. Just how I like my men.

Also has a big TV.

It's Motherf*cking summer, bitches!

2008-07-06T16:16:00.001-07:00

That's what my friend said gleefully as we clumsily made margaritas with orange popsicles in a West Hollywood kitchen on the night of America's independence. And summer it is. I never seem to be online anymore. I am having slumber parties, dating boys, making new friends and living a real life in the real world. It's nuts.

And now I have to git to work on the interweb and all I can do is stare zombie-like at the CNN homepage and think about how this dude looks like he was born to bite a Wimbledon cup. Congrats whoever you are. You are hot.

Also, in these past few weeks I have begun concocting a large, excellent prank which will culminate in spring of '09 and will be highly documented and, ideally, sponsored Star Jones style. Coverage will begin here as soon as I get my head out my ass.

In the meantime, enjoy the motherfucking summer.

Life is a highway. And sometimes a parking lot.

2008-06-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

So I finally arrived in New Mexico at three in the morning Tuesday night. What started off as the Best Road Trip Ever turned into a Hippie Nightmare and there were times I genuinely thought I would not make it through the wilderness. My acquaintance that I'd lined up a ride with told me there was a surprise, but even in my magical world of abundance did I imagine this ride would be a giant double decker tour bus with a kitchen, a patio on the second story, and the most comfortable fold-out couches ever created. But those were our wheels and Day One I was living large.

Day one included a constant stream of delicious food from the kitchen and watching sunsets from the outdoor patio:

And then the next day, somewhere between Flagstaff and the New Mexico border, the bus died. And the last thing you want to have happen in the middle of the summer Arizona heat is have your vehicle die.

So after a day of baller-like glamour, I spent Day Two sweltering in the Petrified Forest National Park parking lot. Sweaty and sticky and not having showered since the trip began, I tried to recreate a shower in the Visitors' Center sink, while overweight ladies from the midwest came in and out and quietly judged my half naked skinny ass, dying as much from the heat as internet withdrawal. All in all, I think I got to spend quality time with that parking lot from approximately 1:30 in the afternoon until almost 9pm.

Not sure exactly why I wanted to commemorate the experience, but dehydration and captivity do weird things to you.

But there were truly wonderful moments. Like when we were exploring and found the Complete Douche Set.

If only it had been the Complete Douche Set of the Soul.

I'm still a little traumatized.

Land of Enchantment

2008-06-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm always living in my own land of enchantment, but today I'm going to the official part of the country known as such. I wanted to do a full post before I left, but I have a new friend and hanging out turned out to be a terribly time-consuming affair yesterday. I can't dish, because I already know he's as much of a google stalker as the rest of us. But if I could, it would be good.

Don't f*#k with me. I know people.

2008-06-12T09:02:00.001-07:00

Inspired by the lovely Ms. Toew's recent post, I decided to share with you my own fine rejection.

Hi, Gina. So sorry for the dragged out delay with this. In fact, we just resolved the position yesterday, and hired another candidate. I’m sorry this is bad news! Your writing is awesome (in fact, you turned in the strongest writing test). But we needed someone to start at a moment’s notice, and your city transition status put you behind the other candidate. I hope you’re still headed to SF, and if you do, I hope our paths cross again.

All the best,
[name redacted]

Yeah, I was bummed, but a part of me has been really really scared to leave LA, and would have been slightly panicked to suddenly head north in a week. I do love it here. And I was sad, but mostly because I was kind of just ready to have a job. And it was a really cool job. But what I didn't anticipate when I forwarded this to my inner circle last night was that I have people that will seriously go to the mattresses for me. And a word to the wise, when forwarding emails from people that have hurt your feelings, don't include the email address of the offending person. They might just send that person an email like this:

That is so fucking lame!
You go up for the interview at a moments notice and
have friends to stay with. The 5 hour drive is a non
issue.
You're a twat.

Yes, that was sent.

After a bout of extreme professional embarrassment, I realized I've never been so touched. This person really cared and fully went to bat for me. He's an effing bad ass. No one has defended me quite like that. Like a bar brawl but on email. I actually LMAO-ed for a bit.

And don't worry about any ill will that might reflect back onto me. I swiftly added my own volley.

hi there again, [name redacted]!

so i think you might have gotten a snippy email from a friend of mine, which shocked me, embarrassed me, touched me and finally amused me. yes, it was a roller coaster of emotions. it was as if my cat had dragged a dead, mangled bird to my doorstep, and you can't be mad, but you are initially a little horrified.

that said, i have since forwarded your email address to my entire gmail contact list, so be prepared for everyone i've ever emailed at least once in the past four years to chime in.

i've decided to collect a whole arsenal of ridiculously insulting emails (hopefully my mom will pitch in), and after i cull the results for the most outrageous and over-the-top, i will create a live-action internet comedy short based on the material (eliza skinner would), and the resulting viral will be gangbusters to feature on [website i would have worked for]. (i'll even do the tags.)

seriously, all the best and i hope you find the humor in it all. i'm touched honestly. i didn't know he had it in him.
xo, gina

So let me know if you want this dude's email, too. I encourage you to completely go off. I'm ready to get my comedy short going. I've always wanted to be a YouTube sensation.

Anatomy of a lie: A photo essay

2008-06-06T21:59:00.001-07:00

I hate lying. I get nervous and fidgety and stare at the ceiling and say "um" a lot.

Although, based on the evidence, I kind of suspect this is exactly what I look like when I have a crush on someone.

Witness Exhibits A-D:

Looking up to the right. Looking up and to the right stimulates the part of the brain associated with imagination (that is, making things up), whereas looking up and to the left stimulates the part of the brain associated with recalling memories (that is, telling the truth).

No eye contact. A lot of information is conveyed through eye contact, and most people have an extremely hard time lying to someone while looking directly into his eyes.

Stress gestures (rapid blinking, scratching, itching, swallowing, fidgeting, etc.). If discovered, a deception carries much greater risk of punishment than simply telling the truth, and people understand this. This uncomfortable situation will make them uncomfortable, and they will act accordingly.

Wide-eyed, innocent look. Another product of childhood fibs, based on the “who, me?” fake innocence usually associated with a kid denying he has his hand in the cookie jar while it is still in there.

Of course this comes with a great big whopper.

More decisions, decisions

2008-06-05T07:33:00.000-07:00

Here's another career opportunity I'd like to run up the flagpole for my dear, special readers to weigh in on...What do y'all think about a topless scene in a major motion picture? The money isn't THAT amazing (you know like a hundred thousand dollars or something), but I'd get to be in a Huge Studio Film! Playing opposite a STAR!!

I can't give the breakdowns, them's confidential. But let's say the star is less Clive Owen, more Ryan Reynolds. (Though it's not actually Ryan Reynolds.) And my bosoms would be bared, which is a hard pill to swallow when you have a mother out there and the crazy desire that you want your feature film debut to be clothed.

So, really, I've made up my mind, but your thoughts on these funny things that somehow always seem to find me would delight me to no end.

It's so hard to say good-bye

2008-06-01T20:29:00.001-07:00

Good-bye, Hipster Shed. You are without a doubt the coolest place I have ever lived. You were there for me when I needed you and I will never forget our time together. I will miss you. But I know in my heart, it's time to move on.

Write, right.

2008-05-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

I think I'm the hardest working writer at TVgasm this week. Three shows is a bit much, but luckily one was a reunion episode and doesn't require the normal time-sucking devotion and dedication a regular one does.

So I'm linking to my brand new show at TVgasm, which I really don't do around here, but all my sensationalness is over there these days, so it's best to find me there. Plus, unlike my usual shows, it doesn't require you to watch every week, or to watch it at all, to enjoy a nice skewering of it.

Anyway, I'm finally starting to pack up tomorrow. I keep thinking it won't take that long. But I know I think that every time I move and then two hours in I realize the joke is on me.

And I still have to do that reunion recap.

Decisions, decisions

2008-05-24T15:43:00.000-07:00

Writing job in San Francisco or celebrity nanny job that's LA/NYC bi-coastal plus international travel?

Thoughts?

Three things I have learned this week.

2008-05-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

1) Freaks and Geeks is possibly the best TV show ever made.

(And now I've officially seen something with James Franco in it.)

2) No matter how dead they are, cockroaches will always scare the living bejesus out of me. Especially when you wake up in the morning to find them in your otherwise clean sink.

3) Despite the fact that, other than myself, only a male gay couple has occupied the hipster shed, I still managed to find dirty, lacy girls' panties wadded up inside a Longs drugstore bag and shoved in the back of my pantry. I have no idea whose they are, how long they've been there or why they were balled up and shoved in a Longs shopping bag that somehow found its way to my pantry. I've never even shopped at Longs. Frankly it grossed me out as much as the cockroach. And they'd *definitely* been worn by a girl. I haven't the foggiest how they wound up there.

Unfortunately no visual for my third lesson of the week. The skivvies did NOT get photographed. They were promptly discarded.

It hasn't been a good day for my kitchen.

Friends in High Places

2008-05-20T08:18:00.001-07:00

View from Coco's driveway. Sausalito. Saturday afternoon.

I haven't had any true alone time since Thursday evening other than some bathroom time and a few car trips between San Mateo and Marin county. I'm back in LA, but the lack of alone time will continue until tomorrow night when I then kill myself trying to get last week's Step It Up recap together and then the Paradise Hotel finale. Neither of which I've watched yet.

This flurry of various activities sure makes it look like I have a social life, and/or a life outside the interweb at all, which is truly not the case. I apologize for any misleading.

Where are you, Lady Sensation?

2008-05-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

Your devoted blogger is up in the Bay Area yet again, wrapping up old projects and starting some new ones.

Big changes are afoot: moving, writing, careering. Change is certainly in the air. I know I'm not the only one packing up and moving residence this month. And even my one constant for the past year completely reinvented themselves outta nowhere. (RIP Dragon.)

It's an exciting time to be alive and I'll be back on track after the weekend.

I'm on a California mission. But, fear not, too much time away from the computer and I get the shakes.

Literal California mission.

Documentary Short

2008-05-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am busy as a bee at the moment, and have no time for such frivolities as "blogging". But I do have time to watch the latest studies in dating. Watch and weep as your life is put on blast.

Sign Language

2008-05-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend in sign-spotting. While driving on the 2 freeway I passed through an Adopt-a-Highway stretch that is sponsored by "Atheists United". I rarely notice these signs, but I'm glad my brain lojacked that one. It sure got the old mind wheels a-turnin'. Atheists are united and picking up trash in Glendale? Who knew atheists were so into preserving and protecting god's creation? I am fascinated by this group. They simply call themselves a "freethought" organization, which is so vanilla! Seriously, atheists. Where are the tortured missives of Nietzsche? The poetic angst of Somerset Maugham? The scathing dialectic of Bertrand Russell? I LMAO at these guys. When atheists are united and picking flowers on the highway, you know they're practically universe-loving hippies and are one free thought away from a drum circle. Trust.

And in what I consider not only a crowning achievement in signage, but also specialty retail, at long last I captured the sign (technically two) that I've been admiring and scratching my head over for several years now. Ex and I finally day-tripped down to Garden Grove. We go every few months and our destination is worth another post entirely , but for today I can't be bothered with that aspect of the journey. I still just marvel over how lucky I am to get to see this action.

I've drawn arrows to highlight the signs in question.

If you can think of two more random and yet elegant combinations of merchandise to sell together, I'm sure this shopping center has more retail space available. And I encourage you to let me know your match-ups, because these ideas fill my heart with glee. I like the thought that they picked two things out of a hat and things like "lawnmowers" and "doggy clothes" were also in the mix.

Next time I'm going in. If I'm lucky enough, maybe I can get shoes MADE of artificial flowers.

Wood the real Norweigan please stand up?

2008-05-08T22:22:00.001-07:00

Now I think I'm seeing our Norweigan-with-an-identity-crisis everywhere. I went out here tonight and could've sworn the guy three seats down from me was the man in question. And this is why I'm probably wrong that I actually know this person. Every damn relatively attractive hipster dude kinda looks like him. Same brown mop and coifed facial hair. I had to stare him down to realize that his eyes were too close together to be la vraie chose.

In obvious blog news, I finally changed up the font to something that's actually legible (Why didn't anyone say anything?) and added linkies to some of my favorite grrl bloggers. Read them, love them. Two of them I know personally and can vouch that they are super hot. The other two I'm just assuming.

Norwiegan Wood you please tell me who you are?

2008-05-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Group question: Who is this actor? The one who plays the son in this commercial. Because I swear I know him somehow. Yes, I realize that commercial actors are all supposed to be vaguely familiar to us so we can, like, relate to them and then feel the need to buy the product or whatever, but I promise it's not that. It isn't highly improbable that we've crossed paths in this LA commercial casting world. Can someone please help a girl out? I've watched it like thirty times trying to place the connection. And yes, maybe I've just seen him in something else and am not remembering what it was, in which case, I'll feel like a dumb-dumb for making a federal issue out of it. Although that wouldn't be the first time for that kind of thing.

And for the record, I think this commercial is a little on the old side, but I just discovered it last night while watching The Bachelor: London Calling on my Macbook while I ate dinner last night. Because that's the kind of thing a hot, young, single LA girl like myself does on a Tuesday evening while supping. Just checks on in with Chris Harrison and the gang. It's okay to be jealous of my glamorous lifestyle.

I bet these men are getting mad mailbox money for this one.

My kind's your kind, I'll stay the same.

2008-05-05T18:41:00.001-07:00

This weekend was perfect. I cooked a little, rocked a little and wrote a lot.

Yes, Rock Band was back in effect and it was dreamy. It felt gold to belt out Miss Karen O's "Maps" and knock some Oasis out the park. I noticed my avatar scowls a bit more than I do and dresses like a hard ass, but the hair is spot on. I still like her.

Typical face.

My face when I'm not properly hydrated.

It's a gas

2008-05-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

At last! Gas price outrage and interweb acronyms have joined forces. It's art that resonates, people. LMAO!!!

For those of you about to fake rock

2008-05-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

After the cruel wait I've suffered this past month, I am finally reunited with my one true joy in life: ROCK BAND.

Can you see the green nails? So rock and roll to color coordinate.

Also this week my mom confessed she found my blog a while ago and is a quiet, avid reader. Tricky mom! So I will publicly thank her for sending me the most comfortable shoes my feet have ever seen. They don't understand how they suddenly got so lucky.

I take back all those nasty things I said about orthopedic footwear.

Yes, it's been an awesome week in mail.

Rockstars LOVE mail and orthopedic shoes.

Visuals to come. You are all invited to be my groupies.

Summer of Surprises

2008-04-30T23:21:00.001-07:00

It's getting hot in LA. We still have our breathable days, but the other day I opened my car door and thought perhaps I'd entered into some giant oven in the sky and I was a live, squirming piece of meat shoved into it. Summer seems to be coming early, because it usually doesn't get really bejesusly hot until July and August, and then unless you permanently take up residence on the sand or become a merperson, you begin to think you wish you lived in a place with seasons so we didn't get so punished for five to six weeks for not having to suffer through winter. But then September comes and you laugh at people buying winter clothes and you forget all about that time you wanted to die a month earlier.

But it does remind me of what I love about summer. Themes! Okay, themes run rampant everywhere in my life, including daily wardrobe choices, but summer brings out the grand themer in me. Each summer I get unnecessarily enthusiastic about one particular thing and proclaim that I'm going to make it the common thread that I sew through every day of summer. It somehow makes summer feel more festive now that I'm an adult and don't have actual summer vacations.

Here's a look back at some of the highlights:

Summer of White 2003

This is not actually from the Summer of White. But I am wearing white. In a white room. Looking especially white.

Ah, Summer of White. The inaugural summer. The year the first Paradise Hotel ruled my television set, and the summer I lived with my best friend Melissa in a cool loft building with a pool. We'd come home from our boring jobs and make blended alcoholic drinks and talk about Paradise Hotel in our pool. It was a glorious summer. And I made the conscious decision to wear white practically every day. It was a good look. I felt bright and clean and fresh and it had a nice effect on my psyche. The boring job I held that summer was managing a small Pilates studio and one time the massage therapist complained someone used the washing machine for their own laundry and she'd known it wasn't me because nothing in there was white. That's when I knew Summer of White had made it's mark. A tradition had begun.

This summer was subtitled Summer of Shout, because I'm a mad spiller, and white is probably not the best thing to wear everyday when you are me.

Summer of Mint 2005

More theory than praxis.

This was a particularly strong theme in my opinion, but unfortunately it never took off. Mint is so refreshing, so cooling, it's a perfect summer theme. At the beginning of summer I had high ambitions that I was always going to have a pitcher of chilled mint water at all times in my refrigerator, as well as find exotic recipes that included mint, if only as a garnish. But it never gained momentum. I am still a huge huge fan of all things minty, so this will be revisited at a later date.

Summer of Avocado 2006

No. You are.

Summer of Avocado could also be called Summer of Guacamole, because I consumed probably a gallon a week of that Mexican delicacy. I was supremely dedicated to this theme and have actually never abandoned it. I still consume about a gallon of guacamole a week. But this was the summer that really put it on the map. It's the time when I wasn't afraid to stand up and say, "Hey. Avocado. I love you. Let's make this last."

I have also long held the belief that if I were a fruit, I would be an avocado.

So sweating and choking on smog, this week I began thinking about this summer's theme and realized it could very well be this:

Contender for Summer of 2008 Theme

My subzero on a happy day.

My diet has become 80% delicious, exciting drinks from Whole Foods. I used to be a water drinker. I felt that was all I needed and didn't understand the fuss of sodas, iced teas, et al. But now, NOW! I live to have my top shelf filled to the brim with new and novel beverages from high-end organic retailers. Notice there are no Sprites, no Snapples. This is an urbane, evolved exploration of the daytime drink. I love opening the door and seeing a rainbow of elixirs. Some healthy, some sugary, some calming, some caffeinated. I might just be willing to embrace this as my summer love, but it's still too early to call it. Especially when there are massive changes afoot.

Because on a bittersweet note, this is officially the last month with the subzero, truly the Cadillac of refrigeration devices. I'll be moving on at the end of May and taking my cornucopia of beverages with me. I'll miss the Silver Lake hipster shed, but I have high hopes that something marvelous is around the corner. The spring changes are giving birth to a summer of new and the theme is yet to come.

Hotbox my inbox

2008-04-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Below is an email exchange from this weekend, which proved that while pot smokers tend to be forgetful, they easily find humor in said forgetfulness.

***************************
from: My Friend
date: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 10:30 AM
subject: forgive me!

I NEVER HAVE DONE THIS EVER IN MY INTERNET LIFE. I am forwarding a link to a page which VERY EASILY forwards a letter to your state representative regarding DECRIMINALIZING PERSONAL MARIJUANA USE.

Whether or not you are a midnight toker, the legalization and taxation of marijuana alone would be enough to fund a national healthcare system. Or improve school systems, social programs or would be instrumental in LOWERING YOUR TAXES. This is a win-win-win.

California has made HUGE strides toawrds decriminalization, now is the first time this serious momentum has been put into action. PLEASE go to this link - it takes 10 seconds - and forward a letter supporting decriminalization.

Or risk getting a phone call from me in the middle of the night asking you to help bail me out. And horizontal stripes do not flatter me. Have mercy.

Much Love - hope all's well.

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from: Lady Sensation
to: My Friend
date: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 11:36 AM
subject: Re: forgive me!

girl, i don't know if you're making an argument for smoking less weed, but you're gonna have to include the link if you want us to help you out.

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from: My Friend
to: Lady Sensation
date: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 11:45 AM
subject: Re: forgive me!

OMG!
that is hilarious!!

hahahahahahaha!

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from: My Friend
to: Lady Sensation
date: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 5:45 PM

i think you should post that whole exchange in your blog. I'm dying.

Point taken, 'little miss fully functioning brain cells'

!

xo

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I may go over everything with a fine-toothed comb, but I wouldn't say fully functioning. My brain cells are goin' down, too. I just prefer to crush mine slowly by suffocating them with neurotic thoughts. It's my own brand of torture and I can hear them begging for mercy, wishing I just did drugs.

Speaking of pot humor, Pineapple Express actually looks hilary! Never one to find being stoned a punchline and growing a bit weary of the Apatow empire, I thought I was gonna steer clear of this one, but hey-o! Maybe it's the M.I.A. song or this James Franco individual (Where'd he come from?). But suddenly I'm loving the pot lovers.