I should know better

2009-07-11T19:50:00.000Z

Solitaire......

2009-07-11T19:48:00.001Z

...and the remains of her little snack

SOLITAIRE ONE, LUPIN NIL

2009-07-11T18:13:00.002Z

Yes, I should have been at East of England. The shampoos (3) were laid out and being eyed nervously by Merlin, and everything was packed for the show when I went out to keep a Health Centre Appointment.

When I got back, two hours later, I let them all out in a great rush for the outdoors - except for Solitiare, who staggered out, salivating unbelievably and twitching all over.

Straight to vet. Where I was told that it must be metaldehyde poisoning, prognosis death. I suppose it was a classic case of "this is what I usually see, so this is what she has. " I was more or less invited to take her home to die, but I insisted that she be treated. She was taken off and put on a drip, and given diazepam....

And I went home, wondering where on earth she would have found slug pellets, which I only use on the high wall and pedestal planters which the dogs can`t reach. I wandered about, checking my pills, and going back out in the quest for pellets - and then I spotted it.

It had been a lupin, a tiny one, bought at the Pound Shop and brought on in a pot. Now it was a potful of stems. No leaves at all. I knew that the seeds are poisonous, but didn`t suspect the plant. Till now.

I phoned the duty vet and told her I had a potful of lupin stems. I could hear her brighten up at the end of the phone. Clearly it had been a boring day up to now. She said that Solitiare was no worse, so it was unlikely to be metaldehyde, and she would now go and look up lupins.

We both did. The symptoms seemed to fit. It appeared that Solitaire had had a little snack before I left. An unfortunate one, but probably not fatal. I was enormously relieved.

The vet said that the toxin had a half life of 6 hours, and that by then she should show improvment, and by 12 hours the toxins should have been flushed out of her system.

And so it proved to be. At 10pm, just when I should be leaving for the show, a call came to tell me that she had stopped shakng, could walk in a co-ordinated manner, and was eating. Just on the 12 hours. She would be kept in for the night and sent home in the morning if there was no relapse.

In the morning there was a further call. She had begun to shake uncontrollably again. Did I think that the presence of an angry and excited male Boxer in the cage opposite could have anything to do with it.....? I assured them that the Boxer would have a much worse effect on her than any lupin.

And she came home, not at all worried by her adventure - mind you she had spent most of it zonked out on diazepam - but offended that her leg had been shaved for the drip. She kept on showing me it, holding it up at ear height with an aggrieved expression. Not the slightest idea of how ill she had been. Or how dreadfully upset I had been.

But she seems to be quite recovered now.

Which is more than can be said for the lupin.

2009-07-04T15:29:00.001Z

Hot Boris.

"Mum, do you think sunbathing will improve my ears? Why are you shaking your head like that? What did I do now?"

2009-07-04T15:25:00.001Z

A wave from a very hot Calypso

HOT STUFF

2009-07-04T14:59:00.002Z

Well, it looks like the heatwave is over. While it lasted it got to 28 Celsius down here - hottest I can remember for years. I have a simple strategy for the heat - do as little as possible. Come to think of it, that`s my strategy for quite a lot of problems....

The dogs have not enjoyed it, but find the shade, and use the approach defined above, which comes hard to Papillons. I hid all balls and toys that would invite activity. I put out plastic basins of water, and you might expect they would like to be in cold water, but my lot have an aversion to it, so there is no use in getting out the hose either - at the sight of it they scatter.

Xena is an exception, and likes to be cool. I can still remember the first time I put out a basin of water on a hot day, and the others watching in horror as she slowly and carefully stepped into it and stood there. As the cold water lapped round her intimate bits, she gave a deep sigh of satisfaction. The others couldn`t believe it. The senior bitch had volunteered for a bath!! Would they now have to do the same? They began to edge away......loyalty only goes so far in a pack.

At the last hot show, where my green factor 40 stick was much in demand, there was a continuous stream of "last warnings" about dogs left in cars, usually followed by the sound of car alarms as the vehicles were broken into and the dogs inside rescued. I don`t begin to understand why people leave animals to cook in hot cars, but hope there will be prosecutions.

Meanwhile, as I struggle with the paperwork for a prosecution of my own under KC Rule 42, the dogs are just delighted that the heat is over and the toys and balls are returned. Yet again they can dash screaming to the gate in the hope that something is happening there - please, just something - a cat, a rabbit, maybe lots of rabbits (or, if you`re Marcus, a procession of welcoming bitches).

Alas, all is quiet. Everyone is probably indoors watching tennis.

Possibly even the rabbits.

2009-06-18T13:00:00.001Z

Front garden with suitably posing dogs on a cold wet June day

ON THE MAT

2009-06-18T12:44:00.003Z

Poor Merlin! Life just throws everything at him.

At the last show, he was really up for it. Showing well, not barking at the judge even when he made duck noises at him, looking good.....

Until I got him on the table. Where he behaved impeccably - and then I realised that the judge, who had been investigating his knickers for proof that he was really the boy he claims to be, was holding something up something huge. At least the size of a golfball....

A mat. I gazed in horror. The judge said something very relevant about the difficulties of coat care. I stared at the mat. Everyone stared at the mat, now at least the size of a cannonball. Merlin stared into space, wondering what he had done wrong now and why he was still on the table.

At last Merlin and I and the mat, at least the size of the planet Mars, slunk off and the three of us were placed 4th, one of his very worst results.

Poor Merlin - always let down by something or someone. Fortunately he didn`t realise it this time.

But I did see his daughters, and they are lovely.

I thought it best he didn`t see them. He would be off home to count his dog biscuits again.

2009-06-13T08:57:00.001Z

"Daughters! Clothes, college, iPods, clothes, totally unsuitable boyfriends - why me?"

DADDY COOL

2009-06-13T08:35:00.003Z

Last week I received the delightful news that Merlin has become a father. He now has two beautiful little daughters, both doing well, (after totally puzzling their mother, who had always believed that children only came in ones, and had to get her head round coping with two.).

Of course I told him at once.

When i break this sort of news to Marcus, I am usually greeted by a yawn (although if I mention that they are girls he does probably file the information away for future use.)

Not so Merlin.

He stared at me and over his face came the usual expression with which he greets anything new - worry with an undercurrent of panic.

You could just see his head spinning. Two! Was he supposed to support them? Out of his allowance of dog biscuit? And daughters! Clothes, college, thwarting the attentions of unsuitable dogs.....

He headed for the door at a very fast lick.

Not easy, being Merlin.

2009-06-03T09:15:00.001Z

Next time you get blootered in Novosibirsk - help is at hand!

IRN WHO?

2009-06-03T09:13:00.001Z

What`s defiantly orange, in your face, and frozen? No, not a Larkhall man at the North Pole - Irn Bru ice cream. I discovered it in a local shop in the current heatwave, and, having led a sheltered life, couldn`t believe it.

Irn Bru gets everywhere.For the rest of you out there, Irn Bru is a totally Scottish aberration. Glowing orange, and terminally sweet, it is marketed as "your other national drink". It pushes Coke well into second place in the fizzy drink market. A national institution for about a century, it began as a health drink (and so did Coke, but that stuff we don`t mention isn`t in it now, and hasn`t been there for over a hundred years). It still contains a small amount of iron, and is usually said to owe its continued popularity to creative advertising, but every Scot knows it is really indispensable because of a legendary reputation as a surefire hangover cure, capable of raising the dead....well, lots of water and sugar can`t hurt.

In the present warm spell, the orange bottles and cans are everywhere, contrasting luridly with the lobster scarlet bodies that a few days of hot sunshine brings out everywhere in this country.

The taste....? Well, sorta fruity and incredibly sweet, I suppose. I haven`t touched it in years, not since I was put off by an incredibly ageist advertising campaign, so I`m no expert.

I discover that now you can even get it abroad. Could Irn Bru conquer the world?

If a Scot ever gets to the moon, you`ll know it. Left behind, shining orange in the earthlight, will be a little empty can....

2009-05-31T10:38:00.000Z

A distinctly shady gang.

2009-05-30T19:35:00.000Z

Marcus chills out, sound asleep in the shade.

SUMMER...?

2009-05-30T19:33:00.001Z

This happened last May. Five days of sun, then it rained till September....

Anyway, as you see, my lot are enjoying relaxing in the shade. And few can get quite as relaxed as Marcus....

SPRING FUN AND GAMES

2009-05-11T16:47:00.003Z

It`s spring - well, we have had two sunny days and there might actually be a third. My lot are seen here making the most of it, in their usual quiet, refined manner.

2009-05-09T09:38:00.000Z

ALL AT SEA

2009-05-09T08:45:00.003Z

I go to the cinema a lot. I always have.

But taste changes. After years of arthouse, I have sunk into a happy miasma of escapism. After all., time teaches you that there is a lot which is best escaped. I can remember , for instance, in my youth being fascinated by Italian Neo Realism - GERMANY YEAR ZERO and so on - but I now revisit these and their like and find them amazingly depressing in the light of experience. Been there, done that, don`t have any answers.....(have a very soft spot for Werner Herzog, though)

So anyway, my recent visits have not exactly been seeking answers to social problems or personal angst...

Let`s be honest - this old Trekkie loved the new STAR TREK!

Another visit was a bit strange. You know you are old when scenes from your past life begin to turn up in nostalgia comedies. So it was with mixed feelings that I went to see THE BOAT THAT ROCKED.

It`s a comedy about the pirate boats. And for those of you who don`t remember, way back in my youth the BBC had a radio monopoly in this country, and if you wanted to hear any range of pop music you had to tune to Luxembourg, broadcasting from abroad and so not needing a licence - or to the pirate stations, broadcasting from leaky old boats just outside the 3 mile limit and having no interest at all in licences. The best known one would be Caroline. And in my depraved youth, I knew some of the lads who DJd on the boats, and a jolly lot they were too.

Well, it was indeed odd. Not very funny either. Poor, scrappy writing. It seems they had a vision of broadcasting from a flat calm, sunkissed sea, constantly stoned and beseiged by boatloads of young women (some wearing clothes that were alarmingly familiar.) From what I was told at the time, if you decreased the totty frequency by 90%. and factored in gales, constant seasickness, leaky unseaworthy boats and isolation - but yes, they all said they loved it - the music, the excitment of being on the wrong side of the law, a start in the profession....

It brought back memories. Most of those lads went on to significant careers. One I knew is dead, and still has a fan following. They were a fun crowd...

Except, there was this one Irish fellow I met in their company. Not sure that he was on the boats at all, and he was a dour character, always very serious about his future prospects...

I wonder what happened to Wogan?

2009-05-06T19:52:00.000Z

Merlin puts on his sweetest expression

FROM EAR TO ETERNITY

2009-05-06T19:50:00.001Z

A reasonably successful beginning to the show year. Boris is enjoying it, flaunting his ears....unfortunately, having managed to hoist both of them at once, he is now struggling with the daunting problem of clothing them with an adequate amount of fringes.

I seem doomed to worry about those ears for ever. I still speak seriously to him on the topic, and he listens very carefully, but I fear the advice is going in one ear and out the other....

Merlin has no such problems, and is doing well, especially with Boris, quite a solemn little fellow, to show off to. He swaggers and screeches, and does quite well. He tends to gaze up at people with the sweetest expression, and I just hope they don`t realise how little real common sense lies behind the big dark eyes.

The last show saw both well placed, but otherwise the main interest was the whirwind. I`ve seen these often abroad, and this one as usual rose suddenly into a little funnel, carrying up a cone of dust and rubbish, swirled about, then suddenly,turned and shot right across the Pap ring, scattering everything on the stewards` table and overturning it, blowing away the results board, filling the Pap`s fringes with dust, and attempting to relocate the elderly judge to Oz (where I suppose his entry would be reduced to Toto, and possibly a few flying monkeys).

And then it died as suddenly as it began.

Everyone shouted about the "tornado" - it was later reported as such to dog people in America and I began receiving queries about damage and casualties, and how much of the county had been laid waste.

Little other excitement. I have at last escaped the dodgy half-life of committees, and feel so much the better for it.........

Oh, and hat is not on the menu. For all her singing and dancing, Solitaire has not passed her audition for the Pudding Club. But give it time - she may yet audition again, with an improved act.

I CAN`T TAKE HER ANYWHERE....

2009-04-21T18:38:00.002Z

"What do you mean, it`s RED nose day?"

MARCUS AND BORIS MEET GODZILLA - HONTO!

2009-04-21T18:34:00.002Z

" It`s enormous! You bark it to death and I`ll.......well, I`ll stand very still and try not to wet myself......

2009-04-11T13:11:00.000Z

2009-04-04T15:31:00.001Z

All singing, all dancing - Solitaire

SOLITAIRE DANCES

2009-04-04T15:11:00.002Z

Solitaire, whose career up to now has been that of very spoiled pet, footwarmer, and room fragrancer, was introduced to the joys of sex last week.

I must admit, I had reservations about this, and I was not disappointed. She had no intention of being catapulted into the responsibilities of an adult, and was, to put it mildly, not helpful. As the chosen stud dog soldiered on, finding the target a little high but grimly determined to get there, I kept a firm grip on the sharp end, while two helpers tried to see what was going on at the stern....so much easier with bigger, and perhaps less hairy dogs.

Then suddenly he got there. Not for long, and it wsn`t very convincing - well not to us, but the dog was sure he had achieved something.....

And Solitaire danced. All round us on her hind legs, warbling a strange high-pitched song, presumably of delight. None of us had seen anything like it before, and the stud dog stood with his mouth hanging open, clearly thinking, "They don`t usually do that - I must have done something right! Here`s one to tell the boys about down the pub!"

No I didn`t have a camera. You never do at moments like that. You have to take my word for it that after the great event, Solitaire was transformed into a small, hairy Salome.

Mind you, there will be a lot of hats consumed if that mating comes to anything.

But Solitaire is thinking her own quiet thoughts, and looking very confident.