Misadventures in Crazytown

I can't decide

2008-07-25T13:45:00.003-04:00

This is a specimen of black wulframite with a fluorite growth on it. I really like it. However, it costs about $31. I really really want it, but I can't decide if I should buy it or not. It's relatively small, at 1.75"X1.5"X1". The whole specimen.

Grr.

What should I do? Is it worth it?

Update:You know what? I looked at the pic on my blog, and figured, screw it. I want it. I just got a raise. Here's my present to myself.

Happy raise day to me.

I'm sorry, I'm a big dork

2008-07-24T23:17:00.002-04:00

Word to my sistahs:

I know you both have been waiting for my emails. It's been a busy couple of weeks - I know how that sounds. Not to worry, my boss will be away next week AND the following week. Some serious slacking will ensue, and I'll be able to answer ya'll's emails.

Promise.

Dr. Cool update

2008-07-23T11:07:00.003-04:00

Today, Dr. Cool is wearing his labcoat (popped collar, of course), jeans, an old, faded hawaiian shirt, unbuttoned halfway down his chest, with his copious chest hair poking out, a gold chain, and his shiny, black, pointy-toed shoes.

Oh, how he annoys me.

Literature Review

2008-07-23T09:51:00.005-04:00

Last week, I went to the Lincoln Triangle Barnes and Noble to hear one of my favorite authors, Laurie Notaro, speak. She recently came out with this book, The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death, and for her talk, read an exerpt from the book about laser hair removal.

After introductions were made, as she opened her mouth to begin reading, the door to the room bust open and this frosted haired, overly tanned woman hobbled in, screaming, "Wait, don't start yet!" She limped to the front of the room, staked out two chairs for herself, pulled one chair in front of her, took off her shoes and put her feet up. She opened her bag, took out a fresh morphine patch, unwrapped it, and stuck it directly onto her neck. That's right, her neck. All the while, saying, "I'm glad I made it, I had to buy your book. I went into your office, I went to the bathroom, I said, 'Laurie!' but you weren't in there, so I figured you were over here. Ok, now I'm ready."

I'm sitting there, figuring they have to know each other, because how could some stranger interrupt a talk like this unless they know the speaker, right? Oh, how I fool myself.

As Laurie started reading about her interactions with her charming doctor who was performing her laser hair removal, the woman piped up that she had bought a laser hair removal kit from Sharper Image, and it totally hadn't worked. Even with the conductive gel. Oh, and she had five herniated discs in her spine, which was why her feet were up.

Laurie: (reading, funny, telling story, general awesomeness)

Crazy woman: You know, Laurie, I just sent you a really funny email. Did you get it?

Laurie: When did you send it?

Crazy woman: Today.

Baring in mind that Laurie Notaro gets hundreds of emails because she's POPULAR.

Laurie: Uh..no, not yet. I just got here.

Question and answer time, someone asked if Laurie carries around a journal so she can write things down. Before she could answer:

Crazy woman: (holding up a digital recorder, which becomes immediately obvious she's been using to record the entire session, without permission) Laurie! Laurie, you should get one of these!

Laurie: What is it, a morphine pump? Does it inject morphine directly into your stomach?

Crazy woman: No, it records 150 hours. It's a digital recorder.

Laurie: Any other questions?

Crazy woman: (hand shoots up into the air)

B&N staff: Let's let someone else have a turn.

Crazy woman: Fine! (pouts)

At the end of the question and answer session, Laurie prepares to sign our books for us. First, she asks us a question.

Laurie: Is there anyone here from far away? Because I want to sign your books first, and I don't want you to have to wait on line so long that you have to drive home through the dark.

Two people raise their hands. One dude, who says he's flown in from Albaquerque, and, of course, the crazy lady.

Crazy Lady: I came in from Long Island. I know it's not that far away, but you can imagine, with my back, how difficult that trip was for me to make.

So, Crazy Lady is first on line to have her book signed, and stands there talking to Laurie for twenty minutes, about her hair, and taking pictures of each other. She even brought a gift for Laurie. A sample size of moisture lock hairspray. And the whole time, she didn't shut up. Not once.

Anyhoo...the book. Ah yes, the book. Funny. Not as funny as We Thought You'd be Prettier, but funny nonetheless. I appreciate her humor. I don't appreciate how self-deprecating it can get at times, but she is funny, I'll give her that. This is an excellent book to read when you want something light.

I know that's a really brief review about the book, but what can I say? It's not a novel, it's short anecdotes she's written about her life. And they're fabulous. Some more than others, but honestly, all are varying degrees of fabulosity.

So, READ IT.

Insignificance

2008-07-21T09:42:00.003-04:00

Mental_Floss linked to this video in this morning's Cup O' Links. I like it, because it reminds me that my problems and life are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and that I should stop worrying and appreciate what I have.

Fractally Goodness...yummy

2008-07-21T09:34:00.003-04:00

I've commented on the beautiful nature of fractals before; shapes that occur in nature and reiternate themselves. Evil Scientist took one of my favorite types of fractals, the Sierpinski Carpet, and made cookies out of it.

After work today, I'm gonna go to the store and buy some pillsbury sugar cookie dough and try to make them myself. I'll post pics if I can get it to work. Or maybe I'll post pics anyway, to document my failure. My tasty, delicious, failure.

I like this guy

2008-07-17T23:28:00.001-04:00

Whilst browsing through CGUnit, I discovered this artist. His name is Bobby Chiu. I like it. I like it a lot.

My newest portfolio piece

2008-07-17T22:40:00.003-04:00

Hey, y'all. After work today, rather than go to the gym and sweat in front of a whole bunch of really skinny bitches (who wrap their mid-sections in saran wrap, thank you very much), I decided to go take a walk - a long walk - through central park. I took pictures. It was fun.

I came across this gentleman in the middle of the park, and asked if I could take his picture. Surprisingly, it came out amazing. I'm adding it to my portfolio and plan on entering it into next year's Cornell Arts Show.

You like?

Nikon D40
Shutter 1/25
Aperture f4
Exposure .07
focal length .26 mm

Art so bad it's good

2008-07-16T09:42:00.005-04:00

This morning, I stumbled across the website of a museum in Massachusetts called the Museum of Bad Art (MOBA). And while I can't stand bad art, in going through a gallery of their portrait collection, I began to question my own ability to differentiate bad art from good art. I bank on my abilities as an artist, and if I can't tell the bad from the good, then maybe my own isn't as good as I thought. Thereby in the midst of a panic, I was calmed by the amusing critiques the museum gave of each painting. Here are two of my favorites.

Lucy In the Field With Flowers

Oil on canvas by Unknown24" x 30"

Acquired from trash in Boston

Dear Sirs,!Bravissimo! Thank you! "Lucy" is clearly the key work in the collection. As with all great art, extended viewing reveals endless layers of mysteries: What is Norman Mailer's head doing on an innocent grandma's body, and are those crows or F-16's skimming the hills?

Madonna and Child III

Oil on canvas by A. Fontaine, 195716" x 20"

Acquired from Hyde Park antique store

A work of undisputed tenderness which places the spiritual above the physical through careful disregard for details of the human form.

the coolest doctor EVER

2008-07-15T09:54:00.004-04:00

Recently, we've had this Fellow (a doctor still in training - somewhere between a resident and an attending) shadowing my boss during his clinic hours. The Fellow is from the IVF department, and he's just trying to learn what a male infertility practice does. For the sake of argument, and because I don't want to keep calling him the Fellow, I am henceforth going to be calling him Dr. Cool.

Dr. Cool first came to visit last week. He showed up on time, like a good little doctor in training. He's relatively short, about 5'6", with black hair he's gelled into a faux-hawk. His tie was loose and the top button of his oxford shirt undone. He was wearing patent leather black shoes with pointy toes. And he had popped the collar of his lab coat. Oh, how he had popped the collar of his lab coat. Tell me, how much confidence would that inspire in you, a patient, when you are examined by a doctor who POPS HIS COLLAR?

Anyhoo, Dr. Cool came back today to visit with us again, and not only is he dressed similarily, but I caught a view of his socks. Black socks with NEON POKADOTS. Blue, yellow, green. All about an inch in diameter. Professional, no?

And what's his excuse? Does he have an excuse for dressing like a hipster, but without any sense of irony whatsoever? Apparently, the fact that he's French, from Paris, is his excuse. Apparently the young generation of doctors over there are all irony-lacking hipsters.

I wonder if being the chief of the department comes with a formal trucker-cap. Or Buddy Holly-style glasses.

Erm... (a play by play)

2008-07-13T21:43:00.003-04:00

Here's my play-by-play as I watch the Ms. Universe pageant, on tv right now.

I'm currently watching the Ms. Universe contest, and we are in the midst of the swimsuit competition. The ladies all look lovely, and they're stomping the runway to Lady Gaga (Gaya?)'s "let's dance". The singer has bleach blonde hair, shiny vinyl leggings, and a jacket with shoulder pads so huge, she looks like she could get radio reception with them. Holy '80's throwback, Jerry! (btw, Jerry Springer and Mel B are hosting)

The chick from Belgium is super hot, but she didn't make it through to the top 15.

South Africa just did the catwalk, to which BF exclaimed "ew...her walk sucks!" Which he then reiterated for Australia's walk.

Really, people? '80's hair is back in style? Really? Must I aquanet my hair three feet off my head?

Lady Gaga just came back on, and is holding a light-up cane that's either topped with rock candy or crumpled bubble wrap. Either way, she's pimp, yo. Ooh, and she's wearing eyeliner on one eye like the ladies in the Misfits did on Jem. Truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

You know, when I was a kid, and the only reference for make up I had was what the ladies on Jem and the Holograms did, I used to draw lightning bolts on my face. I learned as I got older that this is not the appropriate usage for my mother's revlon cosmetics. Obviously Lady Gaga never got the memo.

Ooh, Ms. Kosovo's interests are writing in her diary. Ms. Australia likes netball. Ms. Russia likes to go clubbing. Ms. Italy's interests are economics and baking chocolate cakes. Thank gawd, I was hoping Ms. Universe didn't have mundane interests like volunteering in homeless shelters or doing research to cure AIDS.

BF is rooting for Ms. Venezuela. Why? Because we could learn a lot from their country. Just what could we learn, I ask. A lot, he responds. Okey dokey.

Watching all these chicks is making me crave a cheeseburger.

Evening gown time. Lots of spandez and sequins. Ms. Mexico's is see-through. It looks like a bad figure-skating outfit.

Oh, shit. Ms. America fell down. Score one for the terrorists. There was probably a government conspiracy to put grease on the bottom of her stilettos to make her fall, so they can blame it on Iran and have an excuse to invade. GO AMERICA!

Ms. Dominican Republic's dress is entirely see through but for a few strategically placed mirrors. It looks like her mom went crazy with a body-stocking and a hot glue gun.

This shit's on for another half hour, and I'm bored, so I'm gonna sign out for now. If anything else exciting happens, I'll update.

Ta for now.

I believe in planning ahead

2008-07-13T15:01:00.006-04:00

I've been watching my mother go through menopause for the past few years, and considering the gawd-awful symptoms she's been experiencing, I've decided to put together my menopause shopping list ahead of time.

Actually, this would be good for me to have now. Very soon, ConEd is going to be raising NYC's energy rates by 22%, and I already pay $80 a month to run the air conditioning for seven hours a night in the bedroom. If I could just air condition the bed, I won't have to run the window unit. See, I can be green.

Also good for hotflashes. My mom gets hot flashes. Nasty ones that make her sweat. It makes her cranky. Very, very cranky.

JapanTrends

Her crankiness often comes out as screaming hormone fits. So, when I have my little temper tantrums, BF can just slap this vase onto my face so he doesn't have to worry about it. Or, when he does something remarkably boneheaded, I can scream my insults and frustrations into it, and he'll be none the wiser.

Actually, I should probably get one of these now, too.

Shouting Vase - "holds your anger"

Furthermore, with menopause, I predict that I'll be freaking out because this is definitive proof of my being old. Thusly in crisis, I will attempt to act as young as possible, playing with toys from my childhood.

This throwback to the 1980's is not only nostalgic, it comes in relaxing scents. So if playing with one of my childhood toys doesn't relax me, I can just hurl it at BF's head before picking up my shouting vase and unloading a buttload of vitriol into it.

"
">Adult Slime"

Back to the grind...woe

2008-07-07T01:18:00.003-04:00

So, I just took a two week vacation from work...my first two week vacation in almost four years, and my first two week vacation ever at my present job. It was wonderful. First, I went to Rochester for a few days. Then, my sister Monkey came back to NYC with me for a few days. We went to see Eddie Izzard at Radio City Music Hall, we spent a day at the Museum of Natural History, we spent a day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, we went shopping and had really good sushi at my favorite sushi restaurant Ko, we went to see Grease on Broadway, with Taylor Hicks as teen angel, and then we went to see the Philharmonic at Lincoln Center. Then, BF, Monkey and I drove back to Rochester for the fourth of July weekend. We just got back. It was a long journey, and tomorrow I have to go back to work. Sigh.

Here's some pics from the vacation. More to come as Monkey emails them to me.

Here's a slug from the garden up at the country house. They were everywhere. Ick.

This is the sunset the night before the first part of the big trip. Pretty, no?

Here's a bat that wedged itself into the window of the guest room at my mother's house. She squealed a little bit, and my sister squealed a whole bunch. I wanted to keep it as a pet.

Here's Monkey, me and my mother. We were happy because I didn't have to work, Monkey didn't have to go to school and my mother had us together under the same roof for the longest time in five years.

And here's the sunset on the way back to NYC tonight.

I wish vacations didn't have to end.

Can I offer you some vagina with your cheesecake?

2008-07-06T00:22:00.002-04:00

So, today's the last day of my vacation, and as a final farewell, my mother took BF, Monkey and I to dinner at cheesecake factory for dinner. I had the kobe burger. It was delicious.

Anyhoo, after I was finished licking the grease off my fingertips, I took a moment to look around at the decor, and lo and behold, do I find light fixtures hither and yon that resemble either one of Georgia O'Keefe's masterpieces, or, the first thing that came to my dirty mind: a vagina.

They were everywhere. I took a picture. And the more I looked at them, the more I felt like I was in the middle of some high-priced lesbian porno flick - er...erotica.

See? I share.

So, the next time you're jonesin' for some tres leches cheesecake, enjoy the complimentary scenic hoodeehoo, compliments of the Rochester, NY Cheesecake Factory.

I'll be back to our regularly scheduled work slacking monday morning.

Until then...mmmm......cheesecake....ew....lactose.....gark

FYI

2008-06-23T23:22:00.002-04:00

Yo, my homies. Just so you know I'm away on vaca (like, totally), and will be back in about a week.

Peace.

Fun work distraction

2008-06-19T14:32:00.003-04:00

I was turned on to this great doodle site: bomomo. Check it out. Totally fun. Note: IT ONLY WORKS WITH FIREFOX.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

2008-06-18T22:34:00.003-04:00

Attention all! My little sister Monkey, who will be coming down to NYC in a few days to visit me ALL BY HEROWNSELF, just found out that she will be first chair for clarinet in the high school symphonic band next year; the youngest first chair ever.

YAY, MONKEY!!!!!!!!

PS: coffeepot trivet shoelace boogerbrain

PPS: I win! Hell yeah.

Wednesday Afternoon Stupidity

2008-06-18T13:42:00.004-04:00

Me: I am sooooooo tired.

You: How tired are you?

Me: I am so tired that I just dialed the phone number of a patient whose appointment I needed to confirm for friday, put the receiver to my ear, and stated "Good afternoon, Dr. Morris'* office," which is the standard greeting for when I answer the phone.

Luckily, the patient had not yet picked up, so he didn't hear my momentary lapse into complete idiocy, but unfortunately, my manager was standing right nearby.

Argh.

Literature Review

2008-06-18T01:07:00.002-04:00

I finished this book a few days ago, and apologize for not talking about it earlier. I'd read one of Martin Miller's other books: The Good Fairies of New York, and quite honestly, wasn't all that impressed. Nevertheless, I undertook reading this sizable tome, and was pleasantly surprised.

Lonely Werewolf Girl is the story of a clinically depressed seventeen year old werewolf princess with a substance abuse problem on the run from assassins hired by her own family - and the humans she unwittingly befriends.

At no time did this book slow down, nor did I lose interest. At some points I loved the characters, and at other times, they pissed me off, thereby proving that this is an extremely well written book.

I would definitely recommend this book to people who are into the dark fantasy genre, the werewolf people, or just the people who enjoy books about complicated political stratagem.

Honestly, I will be reading this again.

Getting my rock on

2008-06-17T15:15:00.003-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the latest addition to my nerd collection: a specimen of cinnabar on dolomite. Cinnabar is the red crystal and the dolomite is the white rock. Cinnabar's chemical composition is HgS - Mercury Sulfide - which means it's poisonous. This means that despite the fact that the specimen looks like strawberries and cream does NOT mean that it is edible.

Do you like it?

Another snickerable item

2008-06-17T11:21:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine had a baby recently. Cutest baby ever. I got her this grooming set for her shower, because I believe in clean babies. This is the thank you note she sent me afterwards. She's a very direct person. It made me laugh. (FYI: The gift wrap to which she refers was covered in sperm because she works with me in male reproductive medicine.)

Another Shout Out from Mental_Floss

2008-06-17T09:13:00.003-04:00

In Mental_Floss's series Feel Art Again, they had asked for reader recommendations on artists to profile. Last week, they'd used my recommendation and profiled Alphonse Mucha, mentioning me in their article. Much to my surprise and delight, they did it again today. Maxfield Parrish is an artist I've loved since high school, and they profiled him today, naming me in this latest article.

I'm AWESOME.

Literature Review

2008-06-16T19:11:00.002-04:00

I finished Cormac McCarthy's The Road on the subway on the way home today. Although it only took me a couple of days to read it, it was really painful. It's one of the saddest, most hopeless stories I've ever read.

There's been some awful catastrophe that has burned everything to the ground. All plants are dead, all animals are dead. The vast majority of people are dead, and the only ones left are roaming the countryside in bands of cannibals.

A few years after this catastrophe is when this story takes place. A man, known only as Papa, and his young son, who remains nameless, are traveling southwards on a road through a desolate landscape covered in ash and grey snow. They don't know what they'll find when they reach the coast. Always hungry, they search abandoned buildings for food at the risk of getting caught by "the bad guys" and killed to be eaten. The only food that exists does so in canned form. All the water is full of ash and soot, a slow moving sludge.

While reading this book, it becomes quickly apparent that there is no happy ending in sight. The reader realizes that the father is dying, and the young boy will soon be on his own in this hostile landscape, which, since he was born after the catastrophe, is the only world he knows. Nevertheless, the boy shows remarkable empathy and caution.

Yes, I'd recommend this book. It was fabulous. But not as a pick-me-up. If you're clinically depressed, make sure you're current on your medications before venturing into this story.

Post-Apocalyptic Dystopia

2008-06-16T14:04:00.005-04:00

I am currently reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road (review to follow as soon as I've finished), not because I enjoy Pulitzer Prize winning books, but because one of my absolute favorite genres of books is post-apocalyptic/dystopian society.

Because, throughout my reading career, I've had much difficulty finding my next post-apocalyptic fix, I've compiled a list of my favorite pieces within the genre, accompanied by a very brief synopsis.

The Road: Civilization is gone, all fluara and fauna are dead, and the majority of the remaining humans have resorted to cannibalism. A man and his young son travel through a dead world in a desperate attempt to survive. (Genre: Post-apocalyptic)

I Who Have Never Known Men: Forty women are caged in a bunker, watched over by armed guards. None of the women know one another, and the guards never speak. None of them remember how they came to be there, nor why they're being incarcerated. Then, one day, the guards disappear, and they're able to escape, only to find that they've entered a completely unfamiliar landscape. (Genre: Post-Apocalyptic) This book is in my top 5 favorites.

Oryx and Crake: A small tribe of genetically engineered humans living in a world where all the normal people have died off. (Genre: Post-apocalyptic)

The Giver: This book basically falls into the same category that Brave New World lives in. A young boy is assigned to carry the memories of a people no longer willing to experience anything unpleasant, and the burden leads him to rebel. (Genre: Utopian)

Uglies: A young-adult series set in a world where people are physically altered when they come of age and are made "pretty". This book examines what "pretty" really is, and what it actually means. (Genre: Utopian)

Alas, Babylon: We follow the survival of a group of people after America has been attacked by nuclear weapons. (Genre: Post-apocalyptic)

Anthem: In this book, there is no longer any such thing as the personal pronoun. The characters actually speak exactly like the Borg. This is the story of one person becoming an individual. (Genre: Utopian)

A Canticle for Leibowitz: This book is about post-apocalyptic society trying to reclaim civilization. Pretty cool for people into archeology and exploring abandoned buildings. (Genre: post-apocalyptic)

I Am Legend: I'm not going to bother summarizing this, since it was out in theaters so recently. I will, however, say that the book far, far outshines the movie in every possible way. (Genre: Post-apocalyptic?)

**I am aware that I did not include any dystopian titles on this list. I can give honorable mention to 1984, which is dystopian, but, honestly, I thought that book was too cumbersome a read.

A shout out from Mental_Floss

2008-06-12T19:48:00.002-04:00

A while back, uber-smart mag Mental_Floss had asked for reader recommendations for artists to profile online. I had recommended Mucha. Today, they did, and mentioned that I had requested it . I'm famous!!! (not really, but let me enjoy being mentioned by one of my favorite magazines, eh?) Click the link to see my name. I swear that's me. I swear.