...........nonamedufus

The Stump Moooooog Caption Thingey

2009-12-02T06:57:00.001-05:00

The Dufus/Me-Me set-to takes a day off today so we can run our respective caption contests. But come back tomorrow and see if Aylmer and Arizona are on the edge of armageddon.

So...Ok, guys. And you too Moooooog. Get set to make a spectacle of yourselves.

The winner will be announced Saturday. I'm really looking forward to that.

While you're waiting for that, drop by ettarose's, Mad Mad Margo's (yeah, THAT Mad Mad Margo) and Kirsten's for more caption craziness.

The First Day of Christmas?

2009-12-01T06:51:00.005-05:00

I'd like to thank a special lady for spurring me on...metaphorically speaking - I don't think she's into that kinda stuff...to compile this post today. Yep, you could say she inspired me. Mad Mad Margo over at Screaming Me-Me (how come you always have to repeat yourself) dissed me yesterday. Yeah, she got all up in my face about beating her to the punch with yesterday's post. Imagine that. She had it in mind to do the same post I did. I think you've been out in that Arizona desert sun for too long, my love.

Any-hoo, she said she was gonna do a 26-part series starting today called The Fractured ABC's of Christmas. And she challenged me to "scoop that"! Well I don't have a dog, and I usually hesitate when I hit 'P' in the alphabet, so instead I've decided upon the following. I'm gonna do my own little version of the Twelve Days of Christmas - dufus style.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

Early? You bet. The twelve days of Christmas actually start December 25 and run to January 5. So here's my premature e-joculation... And I dedicate it to Mad Me-Me...

Oh, and because it's pretty much become second nature after a month of plugging them, here's the link to pun-aholics anonymous dot com, where Me-Me and I hang out with about 100 or so other depraved and destitute humour blogger types.

Oh! And, Me-Me? I compiled this yesterday and I've set it to post at 6:51 A.M. this morning, eastern standard time... or 4:51 where you are...is the sun up yet?

*clears throat* Ahem...me-me-me-me-me... (get it? See what I just did there?)

The Twelve Days of Christmas...Dufus Style

On the first day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

A black man in a White House

Joe Cool or Shaft?

On the second day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

Fox's pictures are worth a thousand digital alterations

On the third day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

On the fourth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

Dobbs: Doesn't like Mexicans or Kenyans

On the fifth day of Christmas

'Cause it's Canada she sent

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

On the sixth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Six governors a-laying

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

Yeah I can see the mix-up, Governor Sanford...

Appalachian and Argentina both have a lot of a's in them

On the seventh day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Seven-Up, not Diet Dr. Pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Five olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

On the eighth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Eight hot pics of Sarah Palin

Seven-Up, not Diet Dr. Pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News Commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

Wow, those 'Live with Regis and Kelly' makeovers really rock!

On the ninth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Nine former Glenn Beck advertisers

Eight hot pics of Sarah Palin

Seven-Up, not Diet Dr. pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News Commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

Follow the yellow-journalism road

On the tenth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Bill O'Reilly a-leaping

Nine former Glenn Beck advertisers

Eight hot pics of Sarah Palin

Seven-Up, not Diet Dr. Pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News commentators

Who Can't interview a black man in a White House

On the eleventh day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Eleven thousand more troops for Afghanistan

Bill O'Reilly a-leaping

Nine former Glenn Beck advertisers

Eight hot pics of Sarah Palin

Seven-Up, not Diet Dr. Pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Five Olympic rings

Four raving "birthers"

Three Tea-Baggers

Two Fox News Commentators

Who can't interview a black man in a White House

On the twelfth day of Christmas

Mad Me-Me sent to me

Twelve more songs by Michael Jackson

Eleven thousand more troops for Afghanistan

Bill O'Reilly a-leaping

Nine former Glenn Beck advertisers

Eight hot pics of Sarah Palin

Seven-Up not Diet Dr. Pepper, Quirks

Six governors a-laying

Gratuitous Canadian content

Those "birthers"

The Tea-Bagger guys

Two Fox News blatherers

And *salutes* the Afro-American White House Partridge Famm-i-lee

Beat It

P.S. To my two Arizona amigos: Quirkyloon's feelings might have been hurt by some of this post. Mad Mad Margo might have been ticked by the rest of it. And half of America's probably pissed off by now. Thank God half of America doesn't read my blog. As if.

***

Thanks to Rob Kroese for the Michael Moore pic, which I just had to pinch.

Thanks to Jad.blog for the O'Reilly motivational poster - it was so funny I stole it.

The Last Injustice

2009-11-30T07:00:00.001-05:00

That's it. I've had it. That's the last god damned injustice I'll have to suffer through.

Ha, ha, ha...literally.

Throughout November's 30 days, the folks over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com, or who I sometimes like to call Huggy Bloggers Not Calm - among other things, have been running with the theme of injustice.

30 days! A whole month! 1/12th of a year! You think we get the point? Okay, okay, there's a lot of injustice out there. And nobody cares enough to do anything about it. Except a bunch of snivelling, snot-nosed, punch-line deprived humour bloggers (hey, I'm Canadian. I spell humour with a "u". Get over it. Don't get me going on THAT injustice.).

So like a dutiful member of this comedic cabal I've been writing a couple of posts a week about various injustices.

For example, November 3rd, I took racism head-on.

A few days later, on November 6th, I did another little story on injustice. I think it really measured up.

Then on November 9th I talked about a variety of injustices including an ever-growing problem.

Then, November 10th I took aim at a particular injustice. But I really wanted to get into this topic. You might say I chose it by design.

A few days later, on November 17th, I was back at it again, ranting and raving with my finger on the pulse... of yet another injustice. That's right. ANOTHER injustice.

But wait. I didn't stop there. Nooooo. On November 19th I really contributed to my developing oeuvre and came up with a piece that was perfect as a picture.

I was still hungry to combat injustice November 20th and went quick to the task as I thought it was appropriate to continue to raise awareness.

And then finally, my musings on injustice came to a dramatic conclusion November 24th.

Or so I thought. Silly me. I didn't realize this week still had a day from November for the month to run it's course. After 8 posts over 4 weeks about injustice I had certainly had enough. But noooooo.

Damn it.

November isn't over.

Now THAT's an injustice.

Hopefully, the last injustice.

Sunday Funnies

2009-11-29T07:06:00.000-05:00

What were political cartoonists up to last week?

Well, Thanksgiving came and went south of the border last week. All of a sudden Christmas is now right around the corner. Glenn Beck's making headlines. Some wonder why. And Oprah announced she'll soon be ending in her talk show.

In Canada, the former Liberal leader's wife took aim at Michael Ignatieff, the current Liberal leader, in a rant on Facebook. It was the latest in a series of gaffes experienced by the opposition Liberals. A top diplomat blew the whistle on alleged knowledge by Canadian soldiers that Taliban prisoners were being tortured after they were handed over to the Afghans. The allegations come on the eve of Stephen Harper's visit to China, where he was expected to raise China's human rights record. Oh, yeah. Seems we have something called the Grey Cup this weekend between the Montreal Alouettes and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders.

...And Moooooog Shall Be Vanquished

2009-11-28T07:01:00.001-05:00

Holy crap between here and my Facebook page we had about 40 captions submitted this week. I'm not sure if everyone wanted to beat Moooooog or if folks just have a thing for fat people. And the quality of these captions was amazing. People just had their thinking caps on this week. There was some funny, funny stuff...

For example, Moooooog, the master at our little contest came up with several good captions. One in particular cast a giant shadow (get it?):

When Jenny said that egg sandwiches go "right to her thighs" she really wasn't kidding.

Cat Lady Larew weighed in with (tee-hee):

The great thing about thunderthighs like Sylvia's is that you never have to waste money on bikini waxing.

Mr. Knucklehead made an impression [ ;) ;) ] with:

It's tough to keep smilin' with this air hose shoved up my ass but I'm a-tryin'

And Nooter demonstrated a heavy-duty sense of humour with:

e-harmony's match for the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man

But our winner this week is none other than our No-tell Motel Pal - Nipsy. Her over the top entry was:

As Edna stood up, the mystery of "Where's Waldo" was solved - Funeral services TBA...

Nips, I'm honoured someone other than Moooooog, and in particular you, be hangin with the Dufus! Congratulations.

Meanwhile, I'm quickly gaining somewhat of a reputation myself. Last Saturday I won my fourth Golden Piece of Crap over at ettarose's Craption contest. You remember ettarose? She's the one that put the turd in Saturday (I love that line). Anyway, here's the link to the award and the contest. I've won so many craps from ettarose some of my blogging buddies are saying I'm really full of shit. Uh, thanks Cat Lady. I think.

Down The Rabbit Hole

2009-11-27T07:05:00.001-05:00

The best way to describe what I experienced the other night is this reference from Alice in Wonderland. I really know of no other way to explain it. After 6 weeks of chemo, the effects of the drugs have expanded beyond the insomnia on the days immediately following my chemo to vivid dreams, almost bordering on hallucinations later in the week. I think the sustained toxicity of these chemicals is starting to have an impact.

I take my chemo drugs on Monday. Usually, Monday and Tuesday nights I have difficulty sleeping. This week when I hit Wednesday I was pretty tired. I had chills, so early in the evening I put on my pajamas and settled down on the couch, under a blanket to watch TV. Come 9 o'clock I was off to bed. I slept in fits and starts. I awoke at 11. Again at 12:30. Then once more around 2 a.m. Then around 4 and again about 6 and I finally got up about 7. It was a rough night. I tossed and turned...and dreamed.

And boy, this was better than going to the movies. Weird, freaky stuff...entertaining to be sure.

Where the inspiration for these dreams came from, I don't know. But it made me wonder if Lewis Carrol ever underwent chemotherapy.

Say, before I let you go, did you know the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste!

Thanksgiving Funnies

2009-11-26T06:51:00.001-05:00

To my American blogger buddies and visitors...

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Stump Moooooog Caption Contest

2009-11-25T06:41:00.001-05:00

OK, we've re-christened Pause, Ponder and Pun after our winningest captioner ever...Moooooog. Man this is like that nerdy guy's run on Jeopardy.

Now we all know Moooooog will submit 2 or 3 captions and they'll all be top-drawer. But I want the rest of you guys to put your thinking caps on and outdo him. It is possible. It can be done. I know you guys can do it. Please don't make me call this thing the Stump Moooooog Caption Contest...forever!

And speaking of stumps...sheesh.

Drop back Saturday to see who dethroned Moooooog.

The World's Ending in 2012? Now That's An Injustice!

2009-11-24T06:44:00.001-05:00

The Month of Injustice marathon continues over at Huggy Bloggers Dot Com. Never have so many done so little for so few. But not me. Noooooo sirreee! I've been posting several blogs a week now aimed at combatting injustice, real or imagined. And it's time I draw your attention to the mother of injustices - and I'm not talking about Chelle B.

Shave my feathers and call me Chicken Little but were you aware the world was coming to an end? Well pluck me! How unjust is that? The apocalypse is upon us - you, me and the four horses you rode in on.

I'm talking about 2012.

OMG, it's the end of the world!

Here's the synopsis of the movie 2012 that hit theatres last week, where art supposedly imitates life:

Never before has a date in history been so significant to so many cultures, so many religions, scientists and governments. '2012' is an epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors.

And here's an overview from Wikipedia on the year 2012, where life supposedly influences art:

The 2012 phenomenon comprises a range of eschatological beliefs and proposals, which posit that cataclysmic or transformative events will occur on or around December 21, in the year 2012, which is said to be the end of a 5,125 year-long Mayan Long Count calendar. These beliefs may derive in part from archaeoastronomical speculation, alternative interpretations of mythology, numerological constructions, or alleged prophecies from extraterrestrial beings.

Holy poop, sounds serious. We have to do something to prevent the injustice of such an apocalypse.

And my wife may want to re-think what she said to me the other day.

"Oh Dufus, you're only turning 60 in 2012. It's not the end of the world"

Yeah, right! Thanks, hon.

Sports and Sensitivity

2009-11-23T07:02:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was another day of football in the Dufus household. Well, for one of us. I'm a long-time NFL fan. Not die-hard mind you; not a fanatic. But I love to watch the game. So when Sunday rolls around, anyone that knows me knows where to find me. In front of the TV.

I don't track stats so I don't know who has most yards rushing, most interceptions, most TDs and that kind of stuff. I don't know all the combatants; only a few marquee players like the Manning brothers of Indianapolis and New York, Giselle Bundchen's husband in Foxboro and Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger and others famous for their notoriety like Michael Vick, Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco.

And I enjoy the pre-game shows. Hell, that's where I get my information. I usually start with Chris "Boomer" Berman on ESPN at 11:00 and flip over to J.B. and the boys on CBS at noon. I used to watch the Fox pre-game show but I got tired of Terry Bradshaw and when host James Brown jumped networks a couple of years back, I went with him.

I watch football for the articles

Now I don't watch the Sunday night game, or for that matter Monday night's game. I limit myself to the pre-game shows and the double-header Sunday afternoon. I figure 8 consecutive hours of football, once a week, is enough.

So don't worry, honey, I'm not about to start watching a double-header of college ball all day Saturday. I wouldn't watch THAT much football. Heaven's no, that's when they run the triple-header of NHL games. Hell, you think I'm insensitive or something?

Sunday Funnies

2009-11-22T06:41:00.002-05:00

It was a busy, busy week in political cartoon land last week. President Obama visited Japan and China where his bowing to the Japanese Emperor was seen as offensive by some back home. In Canada, a portly Member of Parliament took offense when another Member Twittered about his girth in a Parliamentary Committee.

Elsewhere, allegations were made that Canadian soldiers knew Taliban prisoners would be tortured when they handed them over to Afghan authorities. Sarah Palin's much anticipated book came out last week. And believe it or not, Bert and Ernie and all their Sesame Street buddies hit a significant milestone.

A Lot of Kissing Up Going On

2009-11-21T07:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, I think I'm just gonna call this caption contest Weekly Moooooog Mania. The moooooogster has turned in the winning caption for the second week in a row with....

And later that same evening President Ahmadinejad showed Ben his mighty warhead.

Well done moooooog. You be...

Oh, and by the way, last week I was hanging with Mad-Mad Margo. Yep, she awarded me a Golden Phallus for winning her caption contest last Saturday. You can read all about it here.
Thanks Margo. Of course the fact that I did a full-length feature of your contribution to the Humor Bloggers Dot Com Injustice Campaign probably had nothing to do with my success. Nah, I'd give it back if I thought my brown-nosing resulted in my receiving this award...not.

I practice safe brown-nosing

Political Correctness Run Amok

2009-11-20T06:24:00.003-05:00

Before we go any further, I've got a question. What the heck is a mok anyway?

*Googles*

Let's see, the #1 ranked item is the Urban Dictionary and that says...

*Giggles*

Hmmm... no kidding?

Wait a minute is that my picture?

Oh, are you still here? Sorry I got sidetracked there. I wanted to get back to the topic at hand, the subject of today's injustice, our weekly Humor Blubberers Dot Com diatribe: political correctness. And today's question: has it run, urm, er, amok?

You know, I was willing to go along when people got offended by things like "the little lady" usually used in a sentence with "in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant" (those were the days) but now people have their politically correct radars on 24-7 and that's such a freakin' injustice.

News comes this week that political correctness has finally run amok. The U.S. Supreme court has refused to hear a case launched by Native Americans that the name of the NFL's Washington franchise is racist. (I guess their mommas didn't raise any fools.) Redskins? What's racist about that...it's a homage to the proud Native American Indians. Oh wait a minute, Native and Indian is redundant...but it's not racist. See what I did there? Now Rednecks would be racist. That'd be a slam against dumb, white-trash, trailer park people. And the NFL wouldn't do that. Hell, that accounts for half their demographic. Besides, it's not their name but their 3-6 record this season that's offensive!

An inflatable sphere made from the outer covering of a donut-eating human in a blue uniform.

But where does this stuff stop? People are upset with the MLB's Atlanta team - the Braves. Would they have us call them the Cowards. No, that would offend milquetoast, lilly-livered, teeny-weineyed wimps everywhere and we couldn't have that. They account for the majority of steroid-bulked up players too scared to play straight. How about...

Atlanta's 3rd sweater proving popular.

Political correctness isn't limited to sports. Oh, no. Since the Christmas season is almost upon us I thought I'd perform a little public service (you leave my mok out of this) and remind everyone we can't say that word anymore. It's too Christian centric. Now we have to say Happy Holidays. And holiday tree and festive turkey and so on. George Kostanza's Dad on Seinfeld had the right idea. He got rid of Christmas and substituted it with Festivus for the rest of us!

And if you're worried about what to sing at Chris... (damn) the holidays Ezine@rticles has a long list of what used to be Christmas Carols. But since that would offend all Christians named Carole we'll just have to call them holiday humables (catchy!). Here's my Top Five:

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We Wish You A Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day Off In Winter

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Oh Come All Ye of Extreme Loyalty To Non-Material Evidence

Little Drummer Boy

Vertically-Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I Saw My Gynocentric Guardian Kissing a Non-Gender Specific Person Who Is Known To Wear A Red Suit

Good Christian Men Rejoice

Evil Narrow-Minded Homophobic Racist Misogynist Men Get Drunk and Abusive

And to all a "good night"!

Fun With Pic and Pain

2009-11-19T07:04:00.002-05:00

While reluctant at first, the Prime Minister was warming up to these belly dance classes his wife had signed him up for

The Prime Minister of Canada, and his office, are known to control the media. The PM does a grave injustice to the Canadian people when he shuns news conferences, avoids reporters and photographers, issues tightly-scripted statements and shares "official" photos with media outlets that only show him in the best light.

Guess what? nonamedufus has found a couple of unofficial photos and as a public service has captioned them for your edification and amusement and, as the rest of the bloggers at Humor Blubbers Not Calm are doing this month, to right one of the many injustices in our society today. So while being constantly subjected to staged events and pics from the Prime Minister's Office is a pain, today turnabout is fair play...

Mario "Jack Knife Lopez and Stephen Harper share an extra awkward moment.

Charles, just take the hat and blankets and go home. It worked for the Indians.

And then Diana told me, 'Pshaw, it's only this big...'

And then Camilla told me, 'Pshaw, it's really this big...'

Stephen Harper and the woman behind his H1N1 roll-out strategy

The Prime Minister comforts Marlon, Tito and Jermaine on Michael's passing

One of these men is handicapped

Prime Minister, I'm afraid he sunk your battleship

Hmm, that could be our new campaign slogan

Should five per cent appear too small, be thankful I don't take it all, 'cause I'm the taxman

* Photos courtesy of Canadian Press

Pause, Ponder and Pun

2009-11-18T06:27:00.002-05:00

This isn't what I had in mind when I said Iran's President Ahmadinejad should kiss off.

What did you have in mind?

Take your best shot at this ass is of evil. See you Saturday with a winner.

Hey and follow me on over to Kirsten's, Ettarose's and Mad-Mad Margo's for more captioning challenges. Hurry now. I didn't walk. I ran.

Put Your Finger In The Air

2009-11-17T06:36:00.003-05:00

I'm here today to take issue with the symbol of Anti Injustice Week used by those sycophants (ooo-hoo...such a big word so early in the week) over at Brown-Noser Dot Com.

That picture up there - yeah, the clenched fist - is a friggin' injustice. What are we, Black Panthers or something? Somebody, probably that blonde bimbette with that cutesy name who lives in a fall-out shelter in Idaho and offends me, dreamed up this symbol and the rest of us sheep just fell into line, yeah, to extend the mutton metaphor, just like lambs to the slaughter.

Using a clenched fist is an injustice. We should have at least extended a digit. Look at this guy. He knows how to express an injustice!

You go guy. Now that's the way to flip the bird. You know, sadly not everyone is able to "give 'em the finger". Consider poor Jerry Garcia who lost two thirds if his middle right finger at the age of four when his brother, while chopping up some firewood, missed the log Jerry was holding. But it didn't stop him from playing the guitar.

Speaking of which, Jerry - and many other guitar players - use finger picks.

And some use their fingers to pick...their nose. This woman disproves the theory that you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose.

After that be sure and wash your hands before preparing fish fingers for dinner.

And be careful in preparing finger food for that cocktail party. You don't want to lose a digit like Jerry. That'd be some real finger food!

Frightening Fingers
5 slices 100% whole grain bread (I used multigrain – the seeds look like warts!)
5 tsp 100% fruit raspberry jam
5 whole almonds
Cut off the crusts and flatten the slices of bread with a rolling pin. Spread about a teaspoon of jam on each piece lengthwise (about a half inch in from the edge). Roll up the slices to resemble fingers. Make two sets of three indentations with a knife to form the finger joints. Stick an almond into each tip to form the nails (make sure the jam seeps out a little for effect!).

You know it's a real injustice that the lowly finger isn't (p)raised more often. You can use it to jab, to dab, to vote, to point, to flip, to type, to dial, to pick and a few other things we won't go into here.

But you know what my favourite has to be?

The Toxic Twins

2009-11-16T06:50:00.002-05:00

Well, this is my 5th week of chemo and my 2nd periodic update. Chemo consists of 5 decadron pills and 10 procytox pills - the toxic twins - every Monday morning. In my first go-round with the beast 2 years ago my chemotherapy was intravenous. The pills are more convenient - no weekly trips to the hospital - but they're no less effective.

And the treatment brings with it the same wonderful side effects. The biggest side effect is lack of energy. The couch and I have a most intimate relationship these days and are on a first-name basis. The second is insomnia, particularly the first 2-3 nights after chemo. Hello, again, couch. I'd have to say the third effect is an increased appetite but that's neutralized by a distinct lack of taste. As in tasting food - I still can't dress myself appropriately. And finally, I notice a diminished ability to focus over an extended period of time. Wha? What was I just saying?

The other Toxic Twins

Before I zone out completely, did you hear about the guy who hand't been feeling well so he decided to see his doctor. The doctor examined him and referred him to the hospital to see various specialists. After a couple of weeks, all the test results came through, so the guy returned to see his doctor.

"I'm very sorry", said the doctor. "I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news."

"Tell me the worst."

"I'll be honest, you have cancer, you'll be dead in three months."

"Shit! " said the guy. "What on earth is the bad news?"

"You also have Alzheimer's Disease."

"Alzheimer's? Oh well, at least I don't have cancer."

Sunday Funnies

2009-11-15T07:03:00.001-05:00

In Canada last week there were 4 by-elections held. The governing Conservatives won two seats, the Bloc Quebecois one and the New Democratic Party one. Michael Ignatieff's Liberals, who a month ago were itching to bring down the government and force a general election, came up empty. Meanwhile, the debacle of long line ups and short supplies of H1N1 vaccines continued apace both north and south of the border. And finally, there would seem to be a difference of opinion out there respecting the economic recovery in America.

Let's Cut To The Chase

2009-11-14T06:46:00.001-05:00

Our winner this week was a slice above our other contestants and he demonstrated his sharp wit with a really cutting caption. Let's give a big round of applause to repeat winner Moooooog who edged out his competition with...

You can always tell when Bill's wife has her period.

Oh, yeah...it was also the most politically incorrect! Congrats, Moooooog!

nonamenews - late edition

2009-11-13T06:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm not sure you'd call these stories news, but they are nevertheless interesting, and do pass our criteria here at nonamenews as news you never thought you could use.

File this one in Ripley's Believe It Or Not. Westwood Village Memorial Park cemetery - where many a star-struck dead Hollywood entertainer enters the next world - is having a devil of a time finding a crypt-mate for Marilyn Monroe. Attempts to sell the final resting spot above Ms Monroe's have failed, including two recent tries on eBay. The spot beside her is a different matter. Playboy porn publisher Hugh Hefner bought that one several years back for $75,000. I wonder if the second story one was available back then. Who more than Hugh Hefner would want to spend an eternity on top of Marilyn Monroe?

I don't know how I missed this one but it appears what once was science fiction will soon become the first real listing in the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That's right, Barcelona based architects say they're on track to complete their Galactic Suite Space resort by 2012. The price for a 3 day stay? 15 sunrises and a trip around Earth every 80 minutes can be yours for this one time only offer of $4.4 million dollars. Ladies? There isn't even a man in the moon, so you'll have to bring along your own.

Dat's a big-ah meat-ah ball! Nonni's Italian Eatery restaurant in Concord, New Hampshire is proud home to the largest meatball in the world as authenticated by the Guinness Book of Records and owner Matthew Mitnisky has a plaque to prove it. Speaking of which he and his customers will likely have a lot of plaque once they've finished jawing their way through the 225.5 ground beef orb. Can't you imagine three weeks down the road when everybody pushes their chairs back from their tables and utters in unison "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" followed by echos of "plop-plop-fizz-fizz".

And to close out, here's a little clipping I came across recently. It'll only take a short minute or two to read.

Further research (you see what I do for you) has exposed this as a hoax. The circus performer, a flamboyant fortune teller by trade, is alive and well and keeping his distance from hippos. Yes that's right, this small medium is still living large!

It's For You

2009-11-12T06:56:00.000-05:00

I'm going to show my age here - and at my age be thankful that's all I'm going to show - but I can recall growing up as a kid in Toronto and we had one telephone in the house. It was a wall-mounted, black rotary-dial affair behind the door in our kitchen. If you stretched the cord you could actually sit down at the kitchen table while you talked on the phone.

This was in the mid-50s, hardly on the heels of the device's invention, nevertheless - having been patented by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876 - it was still in it's formative years. Coloured models, the Princess phone, and the push button model were all yet to come, to say nothing of wireless home phones and the cell phone.

The telephone, by the way, figured prominently in comedian Bob Newhart's early stand-up routine. In the late 50s/early 60s Newhart made his mark using a telephone as a prop and having hilarious one-sided conversations. It was a device he used for years.

The telephone also played a central role in one of my favourite 60s television shows. The running gag in Get Smart was his shoe phone. And when cell phones first came out, although they were the size of a brick, I always called mine my shoe phone.

In comparing phones of my youth to the devices available today not all that much has changed. Today we have 3 way calling. Big deal. I remember having a Party Line, where we shared the phone line with someone else and could listen in on their conversations. Who needed Entertainment Tonight when you had a Party Line.

Today you can program a distinctive ring tone for selected friends' and relatives' incoming calls. In the 50s a Party Line meant you had your own distinctive ring like 3 short rings or 2 long ones.

Today's iPhone has an array of apps of every description. Back then we weren't so hard-pressed to entertain ourselves and we didn't have to pay an additional charge to phone a perfect stranger, ask them if their refrigerator was running, pause, then tell them they better catch it.

And we were far more polite back then. There was no such thing as call waiting which in and of itself is a misnomer. If someone called when we were on the phone they got a busy signal. Today one usually let's the first caller go or puts them on hold in order to talk to the second person that's calling. What the heck does that say to the first person who called?

The best thing about telephones in the 50s? Mobile phones were yet to be invented. When you left home, you left your phone behind.

Oh, and Bob Newhart? Who would have guessed that today you can watch him doing one of his phone routines on...are you ready...your phone.

If you want to know more about the telephone drop by Theme Thursday.

Pause, Ponder and Pun

2009-11-11T06:47:00.000-05:00

You know what to do.

We'll take a stab at picking a winner and see ya back here Saturday.

In the meantime, hook up with the caption contests at ettarose's, Kirsten's and The Screaming Me-Me's.

Mad Mad Margo - Miss Artistic Injustice Fighter

2009-11-10T06:38:00.003-05:00

Arrow Slinger

Dufus

Who the heck are these guys? Well, let me explain.

Over at Humor Festivals R Us Dot Com funny folks continue to blog about injustice throughout the entire month. You might say that instead of doing our own haphazard humour posts, we've decided to just say no to No-vember. You can see what I mean by clicking on that link up there and enjoying all the most recent stories in our Anti-Injustice campaign.

One of our injustice fighters really deserves special mention, and I'm here to toot her horn - in a manner of speaking. Mad Mad Margo over at Screaming Me-Me may have a scary user and blog name but she's got an injustice fighting heart of gold (even though I've yet to win her damn captioning contest). She's also got a knack for design, so much so she won the HBDC blog design of the year award this year. She's also a very funny lady and if you haven't been by her place yet, click on over. Margo's one of my regular commenters at both my humour blog nonamedufus and it's musical companion dufusdownbeat. And her mirthful approach to life comes through in those comments, by design, I'm sure (get it, get it?).

Anyhoo, Margo has put her artistic talents to work and created a video for our campaign. And she designed a character for each and every Humor Blogger member participating in our little caper. Move over X-Men, we are the Anti Injustice Champions - daring to go where no blogger has gone before.

Oh yeah, some of you are aware that I write a 3rd blog - Slings And Arrows - of political satire. As you can see from above, both Arrow Slinger and his alter-ego Dufus are in the video. Where she got the idea for the Dufus character in particular I don't know, but she's absolutely spot on! She's nailed my fair-haired Irish lineage. I particularly like the kilt with the tartan from the House of Noname.

Enjoy...and crank up your speakers!

Some Random Just Us Tweets

2009-11-09T07:07:00.003-05:00

The anti injustice campaign continues over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com. I'd like to use this occasion to get something off my chest. Is it me or has Twitter become a new haven for spam?

Now don't get me wrong. I like Twitter. It's a great time waster. But in a good way, not a waste of time if you know what I mean. I know others though who have stopped twittering but I'm afraid I'm still hooked. I mean how else would I know what a ditz Kirsty Alley was or how shallow John Mayer was. Or that John Larroquette has a blip.fm addiction. Or that Danny deVito is right over the edge. I mean sometimes Twitter's way better than, say, TMZ or Entertainment Tonight. Imagine if Michael Jackson had tweeted?

But as with anything else, you've got to take the good with the bad. And sometimes Twitter has become a deep injustice to my intelligence and my patience. For example, does anybody know what the white teeth secret is that dentists don't want you to know about? If you do, let me know, eh? People keep tweeting that question, but no one seems to know the answer. Well, except maybe for those tweeters that waste their 140 character messages - and my time - posing that question. It's what RevTwt is all about. People get paid for including links in their tweets that drive chirpers to product-laden sites. Hey, if I wanted to be inundated with ads, I'd watch TV!

Horoscopes. Another bizarre tweet subject. Why do people want other people to know what their horoscope is? Has anyone actually clicked on the link to see the horoscope of a total stranger. If you have, I hope you're not stalking, I mean following me. I mistakenly subscribed to this service when I started chirping and just recently unsubscribed. Just sharing a little TMI for my liking.

And what's with every wanna-be porn star in North America wanting to follow me? Not a week goes by where I don't get several notifications from users with erotic-sounding names that they're following me. Hey, I'm a happily married, middle-aged, white guy. If only we had Twitter in high school.

Finally a tweet pal of mine @deadrooster (now there's a username to go with this story) shared with me something that came his way, in a manner of speaking - a Twitvert for penis enlargement. Now these things are always coming my way as e-mail spam. How they found out I'll never know. But to cut our story short, metaphorically speaking, the link to the tweet promises men they can...

...enlarge your penis 1-4 inches using the penisadvantage.com natural penis enlargement system or your money back...

And just what might be this mastiff-inducing magical marvel? Read on...

A Genuine Way To Enlarge Your Penis At Home - Using Just Your Hands - And You Can Start Today

Using just your what? Uh-huh. Your...hands. Hey guys, if they're my hands, why would I send YOU money?

Sunday Funnies

2009-11-08T06:59:00.002-05:00

Well, the H1N1 hysteria continued unabated in Canada last week, fed by stories that Canadian professional sports teams had jumped the queue and gotten their vaccinations ahead of so-called "at-risk" Canadians, not to mention the general public.

Oh, yeah, and in case anyone missed it, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla undertook a Royal Tour across the country.