The Hollywood Hermit

2004-03-28T11:46:00.000-05:00

Arab peace conference cancelled after booking clash with bingo club

A last-ditch effort to bring peace to the Middle East has been shelved after a scheduling clash with a national bingo organization.

The embarrassing gaffe came after British Prime Minister Tony Blair had persuaded Arab leaders to fly to London for an emergency summit on how to deal with the escalating Israeli/Palestinian situation, and to discuss strategy for the future of Iraq. The weekend summit was scheduled to take place at the giant NEC Center in Birmingham, but bungling Blair was told by red-faced officials that the venue was double booked.

The West Midlands Bingo Society had pre-booked the Center back in September 2003 to host their annual Mega Millions Cash Pot National Eyes Down Link Up. The event, which attracts thousands of money-hungry semi-addicted senior citizens, utilizes state-of-the art video conferencing technology to allow players to join the game from satellite bingo halls across Britain. Players need to achieve four full-houses to scoop the one thousand pound jackpot. Secondary prizes include a 15 pound gift certificate to Dewhurst Butchers, and an neon, illuminated bingo pen which plays the Britney Spears tune “Lucky”, upon the user whistling.

A source close to the Prime Minister said: “Tony Blair has been working the phones like mad for the past two weeks, and eventually he persuaded the most prominent leaders in the Arab world to come to London. When everybody agreed he was like the cat that had got the cream, thinking that this conference would secure his place in history as one of the 20th Century’s great world leaders. But they everything went tits-up when we found out about the bingo connection.”

While Arab leaders were boarding their government jets, British officials began to hear word of the booking fiasco. Building contractors were sent to the NEC to install translation equipment and a brand new, solid mahogany conference table. But on arrival, they were confronted by an army of irate pensioners who were listening to a pre-game Dame Vera Lynn warm-up session.

Our source continued: “When the contractors arrived they couldn’t get through the door, because some men in blue blazers were trying to maneuver a 15 foot Air-pro Ball Sucking Bingo Machine into the main conference arena. Then some of the secret service men went in to speak to the organizers, but they wouldn’t listen.”

Government officials threatened Bingo chiefs with arrest if they refused to allow the conference to take place, but the plucky pensioners refused to buckle.

Ron Sexton, President of the West Midlands Bingo Society, said: “This is outrageous. We were getting ourselves ready for the big “Eyes Down” kick-off, when all these government thugs in dark suits came in and told us to pack up our balls and leave. There’s no way were going to give up our yearly game of bingo just because a bunch of over-paid bloody Arabs are in town. They’re so rich they could probably buy this bloody conference room – we had to save up all year to hire it for a few days. If they want to solve the Middle East crisis they can bloody well go and do it somewhere else. Besides, the Arabs can’t gamble anyway so they’d be committing a sin by just walking into our bingo hall. Let that be a warning to all of them.”

Arab leaders were greeted at Heathrow airport by British diplomats and were quickly whisked away to their hotels while Tony Blair was briefed on the developing Bingo crisis.

Our source continued: “We really are in a bit of a jam. We have all these Arab leaders sitting in hotel rooms and we don’t have a clue what to do with them. The conference is scheduled to start tomorrow, but we don’t have a venue sorted out yet. Unless things improve, we’ll have to hire out a Holiday Inn and just hope for the best.”

2004-03-28T10:23:00.000-05:00

Employees shock at Cruise split

By Jack Thorpe, Our Man in England, Britain

There was general indifference today as the employees of Almers, Pears and Pears awoke to the news of Tom Cruise's split from Penelope Cruz.

During her mid-morning coffee break, accounts facilitator Audrey Pelzer was informed of the Hollywood break-up by Sheila Drury, from sales.

"Didn't they already break up?" she asked.

Tom Dwyer, trainee supervisor, was equally non-plussed by Sheila's bombshell.

"Uh-huh," he said, before asking if anyone had seen his Alias mug.

"Was she the one in that Richard Gere movie?" asked Nita Calz, purchasing clerk, adding "I think I saw it on Tony's desk."

The topic of coversation then moved on to how Ron Stelberg in marketing is so far up Levi Hoon's ass he'd need a map to find his way out, the fat pig.

2004-03-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Family of giant pandas found in Burt Reynolds’ arm hair

Conservationists have been popping open the champagne bottles after a family of giant pandas was found living in the arm hair of movie star Burt Reynolds.

Two adults and one baby panda were found beneath the sprawling thicket of hair on Reynolds’ left forearm, after he attended a Chinese Buffet Restaurant on Wednesday.

The near-extinct species has been all but wiped out by intensive human de-forestation activities, and attempts at breeding the puffy-eyed creatures have been largely unsuccessful. But activists claim that the “warm and moist” environment of Burt Reynolds arm hair have enabled the creatures to thrive.

World Wildlife Foundation spokesman, Dick Olive, said: “Most people know Burt Reynolds from his legendary performances in films such as Cannonball Run, and Smoky and the Bandit, but I’m sure very few people realized that his limbs offer the perfect micro-climate for endangered species to exist and grow.

“The unnatural thickness of Mr. Reynolds forearm hair gave these great bears the chance to stay warm, while remaining out of the public gaze. Pandas are notoriously shy creatures and that’s why they were attracted to the safe haven of Reynolds’ forearm follicles.”

So just how did a family of endangered bears come to take up residence in the hairy regions of one of Hollywood’s hottest actors? Environmentalists point to the year 1993, when Reynolds took a two-week vacation to China. The now widely accepted theory is that while the mustachioed maverick was taking a siesta in the sun, the opportunistic bears seized their chance.

Mr. Olive continued: “Pandas may be on the verge of extinction, but they’re sure as hell not stupid. They know a welcoming environment when they see one, and obviously Burt fitted the bill perfectly.

“Once they entered the forearm hair, they decided to make it their home which, in retrospect was a very smart move. If, for example, they’d chosen to wander up into the bicep region, or even further towards Reynolds’ wrist, they may have found the conditions too intense for survival.”

Reynolds was first alerted of the parasitic pandas when he attended an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, last Wednesday. As he settled-in to a meal of Moo Shoo Pork and bean sprouts, the ravenous bears leapt out to grab some food, blowing their cover in the process. After a brief spell of pandemonium in the restaurant, Reynolds was able to sedate the creatures by sticking them with a makeshift poison dart, which consisted of a safety pin dipped in lethally strong Turkish Raki. The animals were later picked up by Bronx Zoo officials, who whisked them away for a full medical examination.

Hot on the heels of this discovery, conservationists are appealing for Reynolds to volunteer for a full medical examination to see if any other rare species can be found living amongst the fluffy regions of his body.

Olive continued: “Who knows what other secrets Burt is holding? I could just imagine discovering a family of Bengali tigers in his sideburns, or even a family of Dodos in his underarm hair. He really is a potential environmental gold mine.”

2004-03-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

U.N. proposes Middle East “Dance Floor to Peace”

The United Nations has proposed a radical new plan to solve the conflict in the Middle East by pitting the Israelis against the Palestinians in a televised “dance-off”.

Delegates from the former Soviet republic of Kazakhstan conjured up the idea after reading how Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake had participated in a similar dance-off at a Florida drinking establishment.

The two fresh-faced pop pixies had busted a series of body contorting dance moves to a thumping backdrop of high-voltage R'n'B music, in an attempt to settle old scores that were lingering from their tumultuous romantic relationship. The dancing dip-shits looked each other squarely in the eye while jammin’ to the heady tunes, allowing enthusiastic observers to judge who was king or queen of the floor.

While there was no clear conclusion in this instance, eager Kazakhstan officials were quick to realize the conflict-resolution potential of dance-offs.

Gradni Rzzakszkst, who initially proposed the idea, said: “Everybody loves disco. Everybody loves dance. Dancing and music brings people together. When I was seventeen my dancing skills brought me together with a pretty young thing called Olga, and after that first day I needed no more convincing. What we’re saying is let’s replace bombs with break-dance, let’s see more gyrating and fewer guns.”

Under the radical plan, leaders from the Palestinian and Israeli Governments would select one senior member from their respective administrations to represent them. The chosen ones would then be asked to choose a dance, along with suitable backing music. Finally, the two representatives would face-off under the pulsating heat of the disco lights and perform their jingoistic jig to a live Television audience. Viewers would be asked to phone in and vote, and the winner would claim the top prize of the Gaza Strip and the West Bank region.

Mr. Rzzakszkst continued: “Let’s face it, these two sides have been at each other’s throats for years and there’s no end to the violence in sight. The last attempt to sort this mess out was the Road Map to Peace, and look what that’s done - absolutely nothing. Besides, Road Maps are boring. Road Maps cause arguments between husbands and wives when they get lost. We need something more exciting, and that’s where the dance-off comes into play.”

The proposal has received lukewarm support from the Palestinians, who are quietly confident that Yasser Arafat’s reverse jitterbug could seal victory. Things are less clear on the Israeli side, but sources close to the government in Jerusalem claim that “in his day, Ariel Sharon could jive with the best of them.”

An adviser to Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat said: “Make no mistake, Yasser Arafat has got rhythm like you wouldn’t believe. When he’s not getting down on his knees for Morning Prayer, he’s getting up on his toes to songs like Rock Around The Clock and Summertime Blues. When the Israelis confined him to his compound, he’d have gone crazy if it hadn’t been for rock ‘n’ roll. All I’ll say is this. If Sharon can beat Yasser’s jitterbug, he deserves the West Bank.”

But controversy threatens to ground the plan, before it even gets off the ground. A U.S. Navy ship intercepted a Palestinian-bound fishing vessel Thursday, and found an illegally smuggled consignment of The Kids From Fame DVDs. This find has already angered the Israelis, who have threatened to withdraw from the body-popping peace plan.

A spokeswoman for Ariel Sharon said: “Arafat better play fair, or the deal’s off. If it comes to light that he’s been taking video lessons from Leroy from Fame, the credibility of this plan will be in jeopardy.”

2004-03-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

When he can be bothered, Life Enhancement Coach to the stars, Tony Fortelli, will be patronizing Hollywood Hermit readers by offering them wholly unrealistic advice on how to live a more fruitful, and fulfilling life.

Bitch Slappin’ Life with a Flourish

By Tony Fortelli

Heeeeeeyyyy, take it easy. It’s me, Tony Fortelli. “Tony who,” you may say? Well don’t worry about it. I don’t have to waste my time explaining myself to you. But all I’ll say is this. Everybody knows what a diamond is, but not many people could tell you the chemical composition that makes up that sparkling, irresistible precious stone. I’m the guts behind the glory, I’m the engine of excellence, I’m a motor to magnificence. Take some time thinking about what I just said. You know what I’m talking about. Right? You got that? Ok, now we’ve got the introductions out of the way lets’ begin.

One of the most popular questions I hear, apart from “Can I have your phone number, grizzly bear?”, is “So Tony, exactly what the fuck do you do again?” And it’s a good question. Offensive, but good. So when I don’t reply with my fists, I answer it like this. I’m the guy that makes your stupid dreams become a semi-reality. I take your unreachable goals, and convince you that you can hit them. I fill your head so full of crap that you’ll believe you’re unbeatable, when in fact you’re simply deluded. Don’t thank me for it, it’s just who I am.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients it that, for them, life is a bitch. That’s where I come in. I’m gonna make some changes to you….yes YOU…so that instead of thinking life is a bitch, you’re going to make life your bitch.

So here’s the question that inevitably follows from my half-sharp clients. “Tony, tell me, exactly how do I make life my bitch. And once it is my bitch, what do I do with it?” Well I’m a big fan of visualization. So let’s start with this exercise. I want you to imagine that you have your very own bitch. Could be a guy, could be a girl, but for me it would be a non-English speaking Amazonian princess in a grass skirt. But I don’t care what your bitch looks like. It’s not important to this exercise, and besides, she or he ain’t ever gonna be as hot as mine.

So how do you keep that bitch in check? Well think about it, dip-shit. When your bitch speaks or acts out of turn, you gotta show some discipline. Nothing too harsh, and I always find the back of the hand tends to suffice, but nevertheless you can’t be afraid to show him or her who’s boss. Secondly, when that bitch does something positive…..like invite a few of her friends around for a lingerie party…you gotta show some appreciation by spending some quality time with her or wearing those silk boxer shorts that you know just makes her purr like a kitten in a Cat Nip jacuzzi. You getting the picture? If not, you may as well stop reading this now because I ain’t waiting around to explain.

I call this the Tony Fortelli Life is My Bitch plan. Treat life like you’d treat your bitch, and in no time life WILL be your bitch. You’ll be smarter, happier, wealthier, slimmer, better in bed, more creative and funnier. Animals will love you and you’ll gain self-respect, and more importantly respect from others.

So what are you dicks waiting for? Life isn’t just gonna spike your drink with a sedative and have its wicked way with you. You have to get out there and stroke it in all the right places, before it will even think about stroking you.

So get out there and find yourself a bitch. Any old one will do, just find somebody. And remember, don’t get too rough or you could have a criminal conviction on your hands and Tony Fortelli don’t do work with scumbag lawbreakers. On the other hand, don’t be too gentle otherwise your bitch might think there’s a chance of a serious long-time relationship – and Tony Fortelli don’t do work for sad-ass losers like that.

Ok pussycats, gotta run. I’ve got a 4 o’clock with Dom DeLuise that I can’t be late for.
Happy Bitching.

Next week Tony Fortelli will talk about his Six Drink Guide to More Self Confidence.

2004-03-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

The following is a paid-for message by the North Korean People’s Republic Axis of Evil Members Confederation…

Isn’t it about time YOU joined the Axis of Evil?

By the Supreme Spiritual and Political Leader of the Whole World, and father of all God’s children, Kim Jong-Il

Hello my humble subjects. Firstly, let me say what a privilege it is for you to have the opportunity to listen to my groundbreaking and life-changing philosophy. I trust my words will stay with you for the rest of your life, and will inevitably change the way you think about the world.

Secondly, it is my pleasure to inform you that your country has carefully been selected to participate in an exciting new venture designed to promote the common cause of terrorism and irresponsible nuclear armament. The members-only Axis of Evil Club has been tailor-made to offer participating countries new and spectacular ways to start wars, starve populations, persecute minorities and trade in illegal and destructive weapons.

Are all those endless rules and regulations at the United Nations getting you down? Are you sick and tired of having to keep smiling at your asshole neighbors, when deep down you’d like to bomb them into next week? No problem. The Axis of Evil Club is flexible enough for you to indulge all your darkest desires and fire as many weapons of mass destruction as you see fit.

The benefits of Axis of Evil Club membership are both instant, and long lasting. From developing that long range ballistic missile that you’ve always dreamed of, to indiscriminately attacking civilians with helicopter gunships, the Axis of Evil Club gives you the freedom to govern like never before. You’ll never fall foul of embarrassing U.N resolutions or the painful restrictions of international law ever again. Explore your newfound power to destroy and unlock the hidden dictator that lies in each and every one of us.

“So, oh wondrous Guide of the Universe,” I hear you chant. “Exactly how do I join this intriguing and mysteriously alluring exclusive club?” Well we’ve made joining as easy as ‘ready, aim, fire’. Simply walk in to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell the attractive receptionist behind the desk that you’d like an Axis of Evil Club membership form. Your application will be reviewed by a friendly North Korean secret police official, who will ask you to wait in the comfort of an underground torture chamber and attach electrodes to your testicles while we process your form. It’s free to join, and all we ask is for access to your government’s top secret military records from the last fifty years.

But that’s not all. If you go to a North Korean embassy in the next 5 days, we’ll throw in a free coupon which entitles you to fifteen per cent off your next purchase of a North Korean Nodong missile. These missiles are all the rage in the Weapons of Mass Destruction black market, and they’re a stunning addition to any military arsenal.
So remember. The Axis of Evil Club is open to all countries, regardless of religion or political persuasion. So head down to your nearest North Korean embassy and tell them Kim Jong-Il sent you. Being bad has never felt so good.

What some of our members have been saying

“We went from being small-time terrorists in the 1980s, to developing our own nuclear weapons program. Thank you Club Axis of Evil.” – Iranian foreign minister

“Club Axis of Evil gave me the confidence to invade Kuwait and then to invite the Americans to attack us. It really transformed the way I think about the world.” – Saddam Hussein

“I’d be lying if I said we weren’t interested. At this stage, we’d do anything to piss-off the Yanks.” – French Ambassador to the United States.

2004-03-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

Non-Irishman celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by getting urinated on

A non-Irish native joined in with the St. Patrick’s Day festivities on Wednesday by unsuccessfully attempting to get served at an Irish bar and being urinated on by a gang of green-shirted revelers.

Rick Bradford, who was born in Wisconsin and who’s only experience with the Emerald Isle was when he bought a heavy-knit green sweater back in 1995, was coaxed out to celebrate St. Patrick’s birthday by his over-exuberant work colleagues.

With visions of Riverdancing green-eyed Gaelic beauties, and welcoming pints of velvety smooth Irish stout, the all-American Insurance consultant needed little persuasion to join his fellow employees at O’Rafferty’s in the center of town.

But his romantic visions of a high-spirited night of reckless abandon were soon dashed, when their night took a number of unexpected twists.

A startled Rick said: “All the guys in my office have been building up St. Patrick’s Day for weeks, telling me that it’s the best night of the year. Apparently one of the guys is 3 per cent Irish, and the girl who sits at the reception desk has Irish blood from her mother’s, father’s, cousin’s, nephew’s niece. So I thought what could be better than to go out with some real natives?”

But Bradford’s optimism was soon confronted with a crisis of confidence, when the enthusiastic office folk arrived at O’Rafferty’s.

Rick continued: “When we arrived there was a line of overweight, old Irish guys hugging the bar, and they kept randomly shouting incomprehensible phrases at the bar staff. Beyond the fat guys, there was a sea of bodies that were crammed together like tins of corned beef. People were spilling out of the door and nobody stood a chance in hell of actually getting served, but this normally disastrous scenario seemed to be made more acceptable by the fact that U2 and Riverdance were played at a distressingly loud volume.”

After the inauspicious opening to the evening’s festivities, Rick refused to let his spirits be dampened. But the shine on the shamrock soon became tarnished by what happened next.

He continued: “I decided to wait in line for 45 minutes and eventually I managed to get myself a half-full pint of Guinness, which I was severely overcharged for. Then I really started to enjoy myself when somebody bought out a fiddle and began playing random, poorly-strung-together notes.

“I was just about managing to forget about the constant elbowing in the ribs, when things took a turn for the worse. I forced my way out of the bar for some fresh air and was leaning up against the wall to try and shake the annoying sound of flutes from out of my ears. Next thing I knew, four men in large green top hats were pissing all over my shoes while singing “Oh Danny Boy” at the top of their voices.”

The urinating drunks quickly drained their Irish serpents, leaving an un-saintly mess on Rick’s brown, suede slip-ons.

He said: “I was a little shocked by the peeing incident, but next day my buddies convinced me that I’d actually had a really good time. After all, it’s St. Patrick’s’ Day…..and everybody has a good time on St. Patrick’s Day.”

2004-03-16T21:14:00.000-05:00

New planet found orbiting Oprah Winfrey

Stunned NASA scientists have found what they believe is the solar system’s 10th planet orbiting chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.

If confirmed, the new planet would become the solar system’s most distant object, and the scientific community has already given it a name - Steakfry.

Astronomers first detected the object’s strange elliptical orbit while carrying out a routine scan of the stars with the Spitzer Space Telescope. The discovery sparked a frenzy of activity among the space research community, and this later turned to disbelief when it became clear that the planet was glued to its orbit by the gravitational pull of Oprah Winfrey.

Winfrey’s ongoing battle of the bulge has captivated her millions of ardent fans and has served as an inspiration to dieters across the nation. But sources close to the chunky chat show diva revealed how a recent vacation to the Bahamas led to a series of high-fat indulgences. Although Winfrey privately confessed that she’d put on a few pounds, she was staggered to learn that her recent weight gain was enough to attract an 8 billion square mile circular mass of rock and ice.

Dr. Jens Lehman, who made the discovery, said: “Astronomers spend their whole careers dreaming about finding a new planet. But to find one orbiting one of the most successful women in entertainment history, is just beyond my wildest dreams. All I need now is to find Ricki Lake’s black hole and I can retire, knowing that my work is done.

“When I first saw the object, I noticed it was circling in an unusual, almost erratic pattern. Then, after further research, I realized that every time Oprah Winfrey moved around, the location of Steakfry changed. The further she moved, the more radical the change.”

Lehman’s delight grew to concern when Winfrey jetted off for a book tour of France.

He said: “When she decided to fly to France, she almost sparked a cataclysmic disaster in our solar system because this new planet was thrown so far off orbit. From a scientific point of view, I’d like to contain her to her bedroom so that she can’t spark an unwitting Armageddon.”

Physicists have been speculating about how the “Winfrey Effect” could impact the universe, and the news isn’t all good. Some believe that should Winfrey allow her weight to balloon out of control, her gravitational pull could grow and she may attract a larger planet such as Jupiter. The impact of an event on this scale could spell disaster for earth.

Andrew Eggert, Professor of Physics at Buffalo University, said: “We should forget about the campaign to end obesity amongst our kids…..instead we should be more concerned with Oprah’s eating habits. I would urge all her fans to write in to her talk show and encourage her to keep on the fruit and vegetables, because if she lets herself go we’re all doomed.

“Having one planet orbiting the human waist is not such a big deal, but if we’re not careful she could become a serious celestial player. Just stop and think for a moment what would happen if she gained 50lbs and started to attract Saturn or Jupiter. This could misalign all the planets and would almost certainly spell the end of life on earth.”

In the worst case scenario, scientists fear that Winfrey could grow powerful enough to attract the sun. But the consensus is that this is an extreme scenario, and would depend on an increase in weight of approximately 100lbs.

Last night Winfrey’s friends rallied around her and offered a dramatic show of support. Dr. Phil agreed to co-host a special edition of her chat show titled: “Is that a moon orbiting my daughter, or just her double chin?” and said he would have a series of one-on-one sessions with Oprah to discuss this unprecedented crisis.

2004-03-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

Bush warns America of catastrophic “nucular” threat

The President of the United States has issued a warning that al Qaeda terrorists will stop at nothing to launch a devastating “nucular” attack on America.

But the announcement, which came at a Washington press conference on Tuesday, was somewhat tempered by the fact that nobody other than the President seemed to know what a “nucular” weapon actually is.

A visibly shocked audience listened in amazement as Mr. Bush revealed for the first time that terrorists had been trying to acquire the previously unheard of "nucular" technology. Even the President’s close aides seemed stunned as the Commander-in-Chief issued the bombshell warning.

The President, who sported his customary grin of a man about to say something really funny, but who just can’t think of the punch line, said: “Make no mistake. The doers of evil…..the deck of devils…..the circle of satan…..the masters of disaster…..the kings of swing……they will stop at nothing to harm this country. Intelligence has indicated that terrorists are actively attempting to procure weapons of mass destruction. Big weapons that will go bang. And these include both chemical and nucular weapons.”

On the back of this startling announcement, speculation began to mount over what kind of unknown threat a “nucular” bomb could pose. Some scientists believe it could be similar to a conventional nuclear bomb, but twenty times more powerful and with a smaller mushroom cloud. Others believe it could be a like a giant firework that’s loaded with a lethal hybrid of the SARS and Ebola virus. But the truth is that nobody really knows.

The country has been forced to respond to a series of new and emerging terrorist plots, but this is the first time the Government has announced the existence of a brand new weapon.

A senior pentagon source who spoke to this publication on the condition of anonymity said: “Make no mistake, the President completely blindsided us with this one. We’ve been pouring all our resources into preventing a chemical or biological attack, but now it seems we’re going to have to focus hard on this nucular threat.

“Our concern is that nucular technology could be so advanced that it would be impossible to stop. But until we learn more about it, we really can’t make an accurate threat assessment.

“One thing’s for sure. The President of the United States doesn’t just announce a new weapon lightly. This really must be something serious.”

As news traveled around the world, entrepreneurs began selling “nucular” shelters and some street vendors began selling “nucular” proof gas masks.
One street vendor, who would only identify himself as Aza, said: “I swear to God man, none of the nucular shit will get past this little baby. This is one hundred per cent nucular certified. I’m just trying to help people protect themselves.”

2004-03-14T17:03:00.000-05:00

New plan to combat obesity epidemic with heroin chic

The White House has announced plans to tackle the growing problem of overweight kids by encouraging America’s teenagers to directly inject heroin.

The new campaign, unveiled by the Department of Health and Human Services on Friday, has been named “Don’t Fry, Get High” and will include a series of measures designed to wean the nations’ youth off burgers and fries, and onto lethally strong illegal narcotics.

Health officials are particularly keen to promote the idea of “heroin chic” – a physical state embraced by the fashion industry where junkies become painfully thin and emaciated due to a loss of appetite, and poor nutrition. Organizers of the campaign hope that images of high-cheekboned waif-like drug addicts will strike a chord with America’s obese millions, and tempt them to turn to hunger-suppressing drugs such as heroin.

Jerry Siegel, who is the brains behind the campaign, said: “The bottom line is that we have a situation in this country. This situation is that people simply cannot control what they eat, and this needs to be addressed immediately.

“In the past we’ve always played softball with the obese. Encouraging them to walk a few more steps each day…..asking them to consider swapping a bag of potato chips for a bag of raisins…..all that kind of crap. The truth is that none of this horse shit has actually worked, so now we have to up the ante.”

Under the plan, local drug dealers would be invited into schools to give talks on the benefit of banned substances. Sample packets of ultra-refined Afghan heroin would then be available as part of the “Injection Induction” period. If there were no immediate side effects, students would be able to establish a longer-term relationship with dealers under the knowledge that local law enforcement would turn a blind eye.

Statistics show that a pattern of addiction would take approximately one week to appear in most students. Once hooked, an individual’s appetite would diminish by up to 50 per cent in a single week. Officials believe this would lead to an average weight loss of 20lbs a month, with sustained use.

Mr. Siegel continued: “We’re not talking about rocket science here. Scientists have been searching for an appetite suppressant for years, but there’s been one right under our nose all the time. What’s more, thankfully we invaded Afghanistan at the right time so now we can keep a careful eye on those Opium fields, just like we’re doing with the oil in Iraq.

“This doesn’t involve cutting carbohydrates, exercising, or any of that nonsense. It’s the perfect solution. And what’s more, even though I haven’t tried it myself, I’m told the effects can be very enjoyable. Now how many diets do you know that actually make you feel good?”

Although the majority of parents are yet to be convinced about the campaign, the idea has been well received by tobacco companies. These firms have years of experience in producing and marketing a highly-addictive product, and Siegel hopes that one day Congress will go so far as to completely legalize hard drugs.

He said: “This campaign doesn’t legalize heroin so to speak, but it just relaxes how we enforce the law. My real aim is to get some of the big tobacco companies on board and start producing this stuff en masse. Fast food companies have been allowed into schools to sell their products, so why shouldn’t we be allowed to install Crack Counters in dining rooms? I really think it’s the next logical step. “

2004-03-11T21:35:00.000-05:00

Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage, but outlaws gay divorce

The gay community was left to swallow a bitter-sweet pill on Wednesday when the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, but in the same breath outlawed same-sex divorce.

The shock decision was designed to appease both sides of the gay marriage debate, but privately Republican strategists were calling the decision a victory for “heterosexual common sense”.

Under the new ruling, gay and lesbian couples throughout America would be free to tie the knot without restriction. But once married, the same-sex sweethearts would be locked into a legally binding relationship for life. Religious leaders hope this provision will deter gay couples from marrying once the reality sinks in that when the ring hits the finger, there’s no way out.

A Republican insider said: “This really is a great decision for America. Allowing homosexuals to have equal rights and happiness is nothing less than criminal. So now with this ruling, we’re saying to gays who are thinking of tying the knot ‘If you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime’.”

“The thought of marriage might seem appealing now, but these people will have to think long and hard about what they’re getting into. Are they going to be happy in five or 10 years? What about 20? What happens if one partner starts leaving the toilet seat down, or decides to let themselves go? There’s no way out. This really is a life sentence.”

Independent legal analyst Steve Somers says this decision firmly puts the ball back into the court of the gay community. “They’ve got exactly what they wanted, but their mistake was to completely ignore the issue of divorce. If somebody told you that you could buy a house, but you’d never be allowed to sell it in the future, you’d have to think long and hard about making the investment. That’s exactly the situation that gay people are in right now. They may think they love their partner, but are they 100 per cent sure they want to commit for life.”

Talking off the record, one of the Justices revealed to The Hollywood Hermit that the court had attempted to balance one sin by removing another from the equation. He explained that allowing gay people to get married was a sin against God in the first place, but banning them from getting divorced would prevent them from sinning twice.

He said: “If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. The majority of straight people will get married, and then get divorced…effectively committing one sin. Now with gay people, we’re going to legally allow them to commit a sin by getting married, but we’re also saving them from themselves by ensuring they don’t sin twice by getting divorced. God may be a forgiving kind of fella, but he sure as hell ain’t gonna stand by and scratch his ass while people keep committing sin after sin. I think any reasonable, right-wing, clear thinking, conservative religious American can see that.”

A spokesman for the gay rights community said: “Those right-wingers really are sneaky sons of bitches. With this ruling, they’ve started to plant all kinds of unreasonable thoughts in my head. My partner looks great now, but what happens when his six-pack is replaced by a beer gut and his hair starts falling out. Do I really want to wake up to that every morning? I mean….Jesus Christ….why can’t the world just leave us alone to be happy like everyone else?”

2004-03-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

Bin Laden plans to get away from it all with Alaskan cruise

A new audio tape purportedly from Osama Bin Laden claims the terror chief plans to escape the stresses of everyday living by taking a two-week cruise around Alaska.

In a spirited five-minute speech, the evil extremist thanked Allah for showing him the path to The Alaska Tour & Travel Company and expressed hope that he’d be able to secure a starboard-side cabin not too far from the captain’s mess.

The Al-Jazeera Television network says it acquired the tape from an unnamed source, and that independent analysts had verified its authenticity.

At one point, the bushy-faced bomb lover proclaims: “Praise be, Allah. The Mighty Warrior from the sky has ordained me, his humble servant, to join a Mighty Warrior in the sea that goes by the name of Island Princess.

“I have had many visions of this great day and my dreams have been filled with images of interesting port towns, historic railroad trips and unusual wildlife. Allah, oh mighty God, has commanded me to ditch my humble mountain robes for a pair of bright-white slacks, a navy, gold-buttoned blazer and a sky-blue flat cap.

“The war in the caves is over, and now we take the battle to America’s picturesque commercial shipping routes.”

CIA analysts have noted that the tape marks a distinct shift in the terrorist mastermind’s tone. In previous recorded speeches, Bin Laden had referred to America as “The Great Satan” and had warned that: “The Americans, the masters of evil, the great oppressors, will be chased out of every village and every town, both in their own land and abroad. They will have nowhere to hide.” But in the latest audio tape, the al Qaeda leader simply says: “To all Americans, I say this. How hot is Alaska in May?”

Later in the recording, Bin Laden outlines some of his plans for the near future. But rather than involving hijackings and terror attacks, they include:

Playing a game of mini-golf after breakfast, but only if weather permits

Taking an afternoon class in tea dancing

Joining the on-board early morning step-aerobics session, with optional free-style weights

A close associate of Bin Laden sent a hand scribbled-note via carrier pigeon to The Hollywood Hermit news desk, explaining Osama’s new strategy.

The note reads it: “Let’s face it, the great Father Bin Laden is one of the most resilient figures on God’s earth, but even for him it’s a pain in the ass to have to move from cave to cave on a daily basis. He’s been living off withering roots and stagnant water for a year and a half, and even he needs to kick back from time to time. He told me in confidence that he just wants to sip a cocktail and feel the Alaskan breeze whistle through his beard.”
Allies of the fuzzy-faced fanatic are now formulating a plan for how to get him from the mountainous region of Pakistan, to the Canadian sea port of Vancouver. With American intelligence blanketing the region, al Qaeda will have its work cut-out transporting the misguided maniac.

A defense source said: “Somehow they’ve got to get him from Pakistan, over to Canada and they sure as hell know that we’ll be watching their every move. There’s no denying that Alaska is a beautiful state, but you have to wonder if he wouldn’t have made his life easier by opting for a one week vacation in Kabul.”

2004-03-09T22:10:00.000-05:00

FBI warns of midget suicide bomber attacks

The FBI last night issued a stark warning that America could be targeted by thousands of midget suicide bombers intent on wreaking havoc across the nation.

In a hastily-organized press conference, grim-faced Feds revealed that up to 1,000 dwarves had been enlisted by al Qaeda to carry out suicide attacks in unspecified locations throughout the country.

While details remain sketchy, sources close to President Bush tell The Hollywood Hermit that Osama Bin Laden’s terror group has been actively recruiting little people to take part in suicide missions for the last five years. It’s believed that many midgets are angry at their ongoing struggle to be fully accepted into society, and want to make a point by blowing themselves up with thousands of pounds of explosive.

Bin Laden’s Head of Little People Operations has been in close contact with Kenny Baker, who played the spirited android R2-D2 in the Star Wars series of films. Baker, along with two former Ewoks, has been leading negotiations and midget insiders claim the anarchist android actor has been promised a seat on Osama Bin Laden’s inner war cabinet in return for his co-operation.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a Department of Defense official said: “Our intelligence work has, until now, centered on the potential for more aircraft hijackings, or even a chemical or biological weapons attack. But now it’s clear that we’ve been way off the mark. The President has been informed that this country faces a clear and present danger. The enemy is small, but the risks are huge.”

The tiny-terrorists are believed to have formed a number of “mini-cells” in up to 20 major cities. Intelligence chiefs were first alerted to the threat after an anonymous tip-off warned that midgets across the country were starting to organize. This was later confirmed by an increase in “midget chatter”. The CIA started a surveillance operation on George Claydon – who played one of the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – and soon the plot began to unravel.

Our defense source continued: “Claydon was in constant touch with Baker, who in turn was soliciting Gary Coleman to join the terror network. We listened in on their phone conversations for more than a month, and what we heard was terrifying.

“The little lunatics planned to strap explosives to themselves and roll into small areas, which taller people couldn’t access. Some spoke about rolling under train track platforms, others mentioned stowing away on aircraft in cargo boxes and others planned to hide in trash bins on busy city streets.

“Perhaps the most worrying aspect was a series of vague references to the “Bouncing Bomb”. In this scenario, a partner, of average height, would accompany the midget. The destructive duo would casually walk down the street acting perfectly normally, but then in an instant the taller man would pick up the explosive-laden dwarf and toss him through an open window. The dwarf would land, and detonate the explosives – with devastating effect. This strategy would leave any shop or business at risk in any major city across America. The psychological effect would be huge.”

The Government admitted it does not know when the dwarves will strike, it does not know the location at which they will strike and it does not know the exact method of attack. So with F-15 jets patrolling the skies, defense analysts are still trying to determine how to minimize the impending midget threat.

Gregg Brandon, Editor of military strategy magazine Defending America, said: “With the aircraft hijacking threat, we were able to increase airport security and take a series of measures to minimize the likelihood of attack. But with this new dwarf threat, there really isn’t much we can do. Nobody has ever kept tabs on the number of midgets in this country, so we really are fighting an unknown enemy.”

2004-03-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

Steve Senise – Creepy Computer Expert

Each week creepy computer expert Steve Senise will answer questions from Hollywood Hermit readers.

Dear Steve,

I am a young woman who has little experience using computers. My parents bought me a new P.C. for my birthday, and now I’m trying to improve my skills. I’ve been having some problems using the mouse, and I was hoping you could give me some tips on how to properly control it.

Thanks,

Linda, Maine

Answer: Hi Linda. You mind if I call you Lyn? No, I didn’t think so. Lyn it is, then. I used to know a dancer called Lyn from out Reno way. She had a face like a bag of smashed crabs but a body tighter than a Luther Vandross lyric. We used to sleep away the days, and grind away the nights, without a care in the world. She was a sweet piece of pie Lyn, smoother than pumpkin and zestier than key lime. Such a shame that the harassment charge stuck, otherwise I might still be with her today.

Lyn….baby….I can almost hear the question dripping off your lips. The truth is that you have to handle the mouse like you’d handle a sexually experienced woman. It might be a little intimidating to deal with at first, but once you start pressing the buttons with a natural rhythm it’ll be putty in your hands. Now, I’m not sure if you’re into women Lyn, but if you are there’s no shame to admit it. We’re all friends here, and Steve Senise doesn’t judge anyone. It’s your choice Lyn but, if you are, you’ll be giving me some sweet thoughts to take to the sack tonight.

Lyn, I have to ask you a question. What’s a beautiful woman like you doing using a computer? You should be outside, gyrating under the warm summer rain and tasting the sweet fruit of life. But honey-bee, if you’re going to insist on staying behind those cold, gray walls of your home, then Stevie Senise can’t turn down a cry from help from such a delightful damsel in distress.

You have to grab that mouse like you’re handling the crown jewels. Watch your arm slowly sway from side to side like a slippery, inquisitive python, and allow your fingers to slowly unfurl and gently click in all the right places.

That’s it baby. I can hear it clicking now. You click like you’ve been doing it all your life. Don’t stop now honey. Keep going. That’s good. Keep it moving.

Lyn….sugar-mouse…..I hope that answer was as good for you as it was for me. Please write again. Please. Tell me you will. Don’t call the cops. I just want to be your friend.

Dear Steve,

I’ve been reading about the growth of wireless Internet access, and was wondering if you could explain what this is and how I can get it?

Danny, Kansas

Answer: Hey Danny-Boy, Steve Senise always believes that to understand how a machine works, you must first compare it to how a human being works. We’re all human, Dan, and there ain’t no shame in that. We’re all human and we all like to explore. Do you explore yourself Danny? If you do, here’s a quick word of advice. Don’t do it in the parking lot of a roadside diner. Or if you do, make sure you’ve got some of those tinted windows in your vehicle.

So Daniel-son, wireless Internet is very much like spending that first, explosive night with the special girl in your life. It’s new, it’s exciting, there are no inhibitions to tie-you down, and it’s extremely quick. Now Dan, I’m not trying to Steve Senise’s first night with his high-school sweetheart was extremely quick – in fact I’ve always blamed the lack of alcohol for the runaway pace of events – but I would strongly recommend drinking cooking sherry as a means of reining back the bolting racehorse if things get too hot and heavy. You might want to write that one down, because god knows I wish I had.

But Dan, do you mind if we stay focused on the question? You’ve got to stop going off on a tangent like that. Wireless technology is new, so the thrill factor is still there. You have the excitement of the chase, and after that the liberated freedom to have fun wherever you choose. Could be the bed, or the couch, or even in the bathroom. In the early days location doesn’t matter. You can be spontaneous. The world is your nectar-rich, lightly sautéed oyster.

But brother, this shit ain’t no vintage wine – it only gets worse with age. You gotta keep it fresh and mix things up. If you don’t do that, make sure you hook yourself up with some cozy bedtime reading material. You know what I’m saying there, don’t you? I ain’t talking about no Moby Dick, I’m talking about something a little bit more lightweight but a whole lot more satisfying. I know we’re on the same wavelength Danny.

So Dan. Tell me you’ll do it. Promise you’ll do it for Steve Senise. Go out and explore this darkly alluring area and feast on its riches while you can. Come on, man. Do it for me. Can I watch?

Dear Steve,

I’ve heard a lot about “hot keys” on a computer keyboard. What do people mean when they use this expression?

Debbie, Chicago

Answer: Debbie….kitten……your voice is like a fire-roasted melted marshmellow that’s just dripping all over my eardrums. So what do we have here then, huh? We have a set of hot keys for a very special hot little lady from the mid-west. I hope you don’t think I’m getting too up close and personal here Debbie, but I can just imagine your perfectly-formed fingers dancing all over that keyboard and it sends shivers down my spine.

But sugar, you know that all things “hot” are great. Hot cakes, hot summer nights, hot cocoa, Hot Shots. Well, maybe not the last one. I really think that Charlie Sheen has done better work, but every rule has its exception.

So baby doll, those hot keys are just aching to be tapped. Don’t be scared of taking the plunge. You can start gentle, and slowly accelerate but, if you don’t try them you’ll regret missing out.

Here’s the best bit angel-eyes. Your hot keys can get you on the Internet with just one press. Now, I wouldn’t normally do this but I can send you a link to my personal web site. I’ll even give you a back-stage password so that you can check out some of my latest photo galleries. Will you leave me message? Just type a few words baby. Type a few words on those hot keys of yours. And when you leave me a message, can you call me “Barry”. That’s the name I like to use when I’m online. Barry. Big Barry. Ok, what are you waiting for. Go online now. I’ll see you in the chat room.

2004-03-06T22:39:00.000-05:00

God retires from public service after nasty bout of hemorrhoids

The Heavenly Father has announced he plans to withdraw from public life after spending years fighting a losing battle against hemorrhoids,

God delivered the stunning message through Pope John Paul II, who alerted the world in a televised speech on Sunday. In a rambling address, a visibly shaken Pope delivered God’s shock announcement in 46 languages, in a highly moving event that lasted 369 hours.

The Lord’s decision to retire from public service means that he will no longer shepherd life on earth on a daily basis. According to religious leaders, this could be devastating for the human race.

Father Raymond Pips of the Boston Diocese said: “To put it plain and simply, now is not a good time to be a human being. If the Big Man takes his eye off the ball for just a fraction of a second, you can almost guarantee that the earth will be hit by disaster after disaster.

“These ass grapes really couldn’t have come at a worse time for the world. The Middle East is in dire straits and we need the Lord’s help now more than ever. To think that he could be away applying Preparation-H when we need him to sort out the Israeli-Palestinian issue is, quite frankly, terrifying.”

Sources close to the Pope claim that God’s hemorrhoids were caused by spending thousands of years sitting on the throne in the Kingdom of Heaven. He last suffered a flare-up of the condition in 1939, when he temporarily left the throne to seek relief. While he was away, World War II – the most catastrophic conflict in human history – erupted.

One of the Pope’s closest advisers contacted The Hollywood Hermit to offer this chilling analysis. He said: “All the signs currently point to the fact that God is becoming less concerned with life on earth, and more interested in his painful posterior.

“Terrorist attacks are up, war is raging around the world and now those insane gay people are trying to destroy the sacred institution of marriage. If the Father was paying full attention to things, Bin Laden would be toast and the homosexual community would be kept firmly in check.”

Religious leaders predict that unless the Great Creator cures his hemorrhoids in the next two weeks, the earth will be hit by a series of catastrophic events. These events could include:

A socialist being elected as President of the United States

Workers being given equal rights and fair wages throughout the world

Another season of American Idol

Father Pips concluded: “It’s important that we include God in all our prayers tonight, and pray that he can help himself cure this very embarrassing problem. It’s also important for people of all religions to let God know that he has nothing to be ashamed of. God made all humans in his image, and I can tell you that millions of Americans suffer from painful ass grapes. So with that being said, all we can do is hope that that the inflammation calms down and that he can get back to business as usual.”

2004-03-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

Bloomberg throws weight behind Loose Stool Awareness Week

The Mayor of New York City has joined a campaign that aims to tighten up the passage of human waste for millions of Americans.

Speaking from the back of a truck in New York City, which was cleverly modified to resemble a giant human ass, Mayor Michael Bloomberg gave his backing to Loose Stool Awareness Week and promised to free-up funds to help rectally-erratic city residents.

Speaking in front of a captive audience, the Mayor said: “For the majority of Americans the act of going to the bathroom is a daily routine, which hardly warrants a second thought. Some may take a magazine or newspaper when dropping a squat, while others prefer to go freestyle.

“But for a growing percentage of people the long and winding passage of human waste is become a little too loose for comfort. Not only does this play havoc with an individual’s bathroom routine, but it also leads to frustration, depression, and in some extreme cases, marital breakup or suicide.”

The Loose Stool Awareness Project was set up by Chad Davis in 1997, after several friends confided in him about their mercurial-muscled bathroom habits. This piqued Davis’ interest in the subject, and after conducting some anecdotal research he was shocked at what he found.

Davis revealed: “My research into the Loose Stool phenomenon revealed that this isn’t just a problem, this is verging on an epidemic. People were leaving the bathroom with smiles on their faces, but behind those smiles was a seething mass of loose stool anxiety.

“TV would have you believe that the biggest problem facing America today is constipation, but that’s primarily because the drug companies have paid billions to shove their laxative-based products down the throats of consumers. The Loose Stool tragedy gets almost no exposure, and that’s why we decided to organize this awareness week.”

Campaign organizers plan to spend the week lobbying politicians, visiting schools, and handing out fact sheets on how to spot the top ten loose stool warning signs.

Davis continued: “We desperately need funding so that we can set up more support groups up and down the country. My phone has been ringing off the hook with people who are desperate for help. I can’t tell you how tough it is to have to tell them that the money simply isn’t there.”

So how do you avoid the embarrassing problem? Mayor Bloomberg offered some useful advice for the tens of people who turned out to see his speech.

Bloomberg said: “Thankfully I’ve never suffered a looseness of the stool, but thousands of others have.

“If you feel that something doesn’t seem quite right, here’s what you should do. Firstly, do not panic. Stress can simply make the condition worse. Secondly, avoid fried food, caffeine and alcohol. And thirdly, make an appointment to see your physician. It’s important for people to know that there is help out there for them.”

2004-03-03T22:52:00.000-05:00

Senior citizen realizes good old days weren’t actually that good

An elderly woman from the UK has finally let go of a 50 year delusion by admitting that the "good old days" weren’t really as good as she thought.

For the last half century Doris Gribble, 92, has consistently told friends and family that life “isn’t like it used to be”, claiming that the past was always a whole lot rosier than the present. The outspoken old-timer insisted that from crime rates to public transport, life was better in every conceivable area more than fifty years ago, when compared to life today.

But it wasn’t until Doris suffered a massive heart attack just three weeks ago, that her Alzheimer’s-ridden logic was finally proved to be nothing more than a crock of delusional horse shit.

Speaking from her luxurious, centrally heated hospital room, a frail Doris said: “Ooooo, the people are so nice here. This nice young Indian doctor told me that he’d had to bypass something in my heart. Apparently he was able to make a hole the size of a dime in my chest, and then fix the problem. He told me that if this had happened 15 years ago I wouldn’t have stood a chance of surviving and that death would have been a certainty. And that’s when I started to think.”

After the ravages of the general anesthetic slowly started to wear off, the frail-hearted senior spent some time reflecting on days gone by. And as she carefully followed the dancing bright lights of the EKG machine that was helping keep her alive, she was hit with an astounding revelation that the past was pretty crappy.

“Suddenly I realized that life today is actually rather wonderful, and the good old days were horrific. The last time I was in hospital was in 1948, when I needed to have my tonsils removed. The doctor I had was a drunken pervert called Igor, and his idea of anesthetic was to give me three double brandies. The whole visit was simply awful and after I left the hospital, I got an infection, which they attempted to cure by injecting my throat with steroids. That just made things worse, and as a result my whole upper torso was paralyzed for over a year.”

As Doris embarked on a nightmarish journey down memory lane, she was forced to confront a number of sickening realities including:

Narrowly dodging death from influenza in 1918 due to the lack of available
antibiotics

Having her house destroyed by a stray German bomb in 1943, and having to live on the streets for a six month period. With no home and job, she became addicted to drugs and was forced to turn to prostitution.

Being robbed nine times in one year during the 1960s, and having her life savings stolen by a smooth talking conman in 1972

Doris continued: “I’d always thought the past was so great and that modern life was terrible. But the harsh reality is that for the first thirty years of my life I was either in poverty, a victim of crime, or trapped in an abusive marriage. It wasn’t until the early 1990s that things really started to improve. Now I’m sitting here in this glamorous hospital room and I couldn’t be happier. Thank God that I’ve finally been able to remove my senile rose-tinted glasses and understand that the past was actually a living hell."

2004-03-02T22:09:00.000-05:00

Cleveland smoker challenges tobacco companies to “Give me your best shot, pussies.”

A Cleveland man has issued a challenge to tobacco companies to increase the potency of their cigarettes – but only if they dare.

Ryan Bristow has been an enthusiastic chain smoker for more than ten years, but now the lead-lunged addict has called for tobacco companies to take their products to the next level.

The 40-a-day Home Entertainment Retail Specialist is taunting major tobacco manufacturers such as Philip Morris, by questioning their sexuality if they don’t start producing a stronger, more nicotine-rich product. And in a strongly worded letter written in semi-literate English, Bristow urged tobacco firms to unleash an unhealthier cigarette – claiming his lungs were ready for a new, more exciting challenge.

Speaking from his front porch, Bristow said: “Now we’ll see exactly how tough these lily-livered assholes are. I’ve been buying their watered-down products for over ten years now, so as a consumer I think I deserve to have my voice heard.

“I’ve spent most of my adult life conditioning my lungs for this occasion. Now all I need to know is if those pussies that make the cigarettes are man enough to send me over their best cigarette. Because I can guarantee that I’ll take it without flinching. In fact I’ll be able to smoke whatever they throw at me for the next 20 years without so much as a hiccup. That’s how confident I feel.”

Bristow recently recovered from a bout of emphysema, which he claims was caused by excess pollen in the air. But now the coughing king of cockiness is back to his best and says he won’t rest until a more harmful nicotine-based product hits the store shelves.

Some of his proposals for a “super cigarette” include:

Removing the filter entirely and increasing the length of the cigarette to six inches

Allowing the cigarettes to marinade in up to ten banned chemical agents before packaging.

Coating the butt with a glucose glaze to encourage consumption by the smoker.

He continued: “I saw that asshole the Surgeon General on TV, mouthing off that cigarettes have over 250 different chemical additives. Thank god that pussy isn’t running the country. What I’m saying is that if we have 250 chemical additives at the moment, let’s up that to at least 500. Hell, if they can do it let’s push for four figures.

“People need to realize that there’s an exclusive club of hardcore smokers out there. At casinos you get the high rollers, who like to gamble with huge-ass amounts of money. Well this is exactly the same thing. I’ve trained my body for years to be able to resist even the harshest cancer-causing agents, so now it’s about time those tobacco company assholes rose to the challenge.”

A spokesman for the Association of Tobacco Manufacturers said: “We do not have any immediate plans to mass-produce an 'extra strength' cigarette, but we are sympathetic to the cause of people like Mr. Bristow. He should consider moving up to chewing tobacco, and then eventually unfiltered Havana cigars. Products such as these are almost guaranteed to give his lungs the challenge that he seeks.”

2004-03-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

Obese man quits gym after first workout yields no visible results

A 350lb Atlanta man has been left with a sour taste in his mouth after he failed to lose a single ounce in weight following his first visit to a local gym.

Bulbous Brian Reynolds had made a new year’s resolution to start a comprehensive exercise program, with the aim of losing 100lbs in 12 months. The human heart-attack-waiting-to-happen was given a six month membership to his local Quick Step Gym, courtesy of his concerned sister-in-law Joyce. But the cuddly cardiac-arrest candidate was mortified when, after his first visit to the gym, he failed to lose a single ounce.

The fuming future flatliner huffed: “I just couldn’t believe it. I kept reading Men’s Health and all these experts were saying that exercise was the key to losing weight. I suffer from a rare eating disorder where I feel compelled to call-in to fast food restaurants at three hour intervals during the day, so I’ve never been big on exercising. But after reading the article – and seeing a photograph of this really ripped guy surrounded by some hot chicks with fake breasts – I knew I had to give it a shot.”

In order to help her ball-like brother-in-law, Joyce Stegg decided to purchase Brian a six month gym membership. In addition, she bought him a pair of knee-length acrylic aqua-green shorts and a white t-shirt with an amusing cartoon picture of a chipmunk on a treadmill to help Brian prepare for his new workout regime.

But all good things eventually come to an end – some before they’ve even begun – and unfortunately Brian’s enthusiasm crumbled like the icing on a Krispy Kreme donut.

He continued: “I turned up on a Sunday with every intention to make a go of it. I started off on the exercise bike for five minutes, and after that I was sweating like a bitch. Luckily I’d bought a couple of chocolate energy bars and a liter of coke with me, so I refueled immediately. After that I punched a bag for a couple of minutes and then had a seat on one of the weight benches. Finally, I’d read about the importance of cooling down after the workout, so I strolled out to the vending machine and bought a box of Swedish Fish. All in all I felt the workout went pretty well, so I drove home and bought a stuffed-crust meat treat pizza to celebrate the new me.”

As Brian casually sipped a Mountain Dew Slurpy in the car on the way home, he couldn’t wait to hop on the scales to savor the fruits of his labor. But when he walked through his bathroom door, he was in for a terrible shock.

“I hopped right onto the scales and waited for the digital display to settle down. I simply couldn’t believe it when it rested at 350lbs. I hadn’t lost a freakin’ ounce.

“This whole exercise thing is a giant confidence trick. If you paint a fence for 20 minutes, you can step back and admire your work. So is it too unreasonable to think that if you exercise for 20 minutes, you should be able to see a difference? It was enough to make me want to quit, but I knew I couldn’t.”

Brian later changed his mind, and decided it probably would be best if he quit. But the news wasn’t all bad.

“Some people don’t like vegetables, other people don’t like cigarettes, and others hate loud rock music. The point I’m making is that we’re all human, and our individual tastes vary.

“For me, I just hate physical movement. So now I’ve identified my strengths and weaknesses, I’ve decided to buy a year’s supply of Metab-o-bomb diet pills. All I need to do is take three a day and I’m guaranteed to lose 200lbs in the first week. I haven’t been this excited since Carvel came to town.”

2004-03-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

Governor Bush declares state of emergency in Fort Lauderdale McDonalds

Ravenous burger-fans were left stunned and disappointed on Thursday when Governor Jeb Bush declared a state of emergency in a Fort Lauderdale branch of McDonalds.

Families were crammed into the local fast-food establishment during the lunch-time rush as they chose from a wide variety of artery-corroding red-meat treats. But their smiling faces soon turned to grimaces of despair when the stroppy Governor stormed through the door.

Greg Wozniak, who was tucking into a Chicken Nugget Family Combo meal with his cousin Tammy, was shocked by what he saw.

“We were just eating the meat and bulshitting about Janet Jackson’s left breast, when all of a sudden the door swung open and this vacant looking guy in a dark suit strolled in. That’s when all hell broke loose.”

The hungry Governor had called in for three Apple Pies and a side salad, but his food-centric thoughts soon soured.

“He tried to walk up to the register to place his order but this little Cuban kid was kneeling on the floor and playing with a plastic blue car,” Wozniak observed.

“As Bush attempted to cut to the front of the line, the kid rolled the car along the floor and it hit Bush in the shin. Then a gang of acne-faced kids dropped an order of onion rings and some of them landed on the Governor’s shoe. That’s when the shit really hit the fan.”

As the deep-fried delicacy grazed over Bush’s brogues, the enraged governor issued an impassioned plea for order. But when this plea was ignored, the feisty firebrand upped the ante.

Fellow diner Angelina Reinhardt, who’d mistakenly confused the McDonalds restaurant with a local shoe boutique, witnessed what happened next.

“Well, the nice man in the dark suit turned to his friend and said ‘Can’t you shoot those effing kids or something?’ As he said that, a young girl who was dressed as Hamburglar threw a piece of diced onion at his head. And then the man in the suit went nuts. He started shouting and waving his hands and ordered the short-order fry cook to “lock the effing doors”. Then he declared a state of emergency.”

Shocked workers looked on as Bush announced the restaurant was now under his direct control and that a state of emergency had been declared with immediate effect. The governor then ordered “Lardy” Larry Brundell to get him his apple pies, and instructed him to “take your finger out of your ass you spotty sack of crap”.

Minutes later the pain-in-the-ass politician mobilized the Florida National Guard and imposed an immediate news blackout on the area. Employees and customers were detained for an indefinite period of time, until the Governor decided to lift the ban later in the afternoon.

A spokesman for McDonalds said: ‘I can confirm Mr. Bush did visit one of our branches in the Fort Lauderdale area, and we’re please to count him as one of our most distinguished customers. However, we cannot comment on why there were military helicopters flying overhead at the time of his visit. We also cannot comment as to whether or not posting armed guards at every entrance to the restaurant is standard procedure. This should be a matter for the Governor’s office.”

2004-02-26T20:28:00.000-05:00

After 20 years on the job, I.T. worker decides to talk like the rest of us

Champagne corks have been popping across South Dakota after a long-serving I.T worker announced he would start talking in a language that the rest of his friends and family understand.

Bob Begley, who works as an I.T. Help Desk Administrator for a mid-size pet insurance company, made the shock announcement to stunned colleagues on Friday. The illegible Information Technology specialist took the decision after his wife gave birth to their first child on Thursday.

Bob’s wife, June Begley, said: “I’m so proud of Bob for taking this brave decision. For the last 20 years he’s been speaking in a language that none of us understood. It’s all been techno speak and, to be quite honest, it made married life difficult because I couldn’t tell you the first thing about computers.

"I really can't describe how bad it was. Maybe I should have guessed something wasn't right when Bob proposed to me by saying 'I'd like to give you the username and password to my network. If you accept, I will consider giving you administrator priveliges'. That just set the scene for a marriage that was completely void of conversation, communication and understanding.

“But suddenly everything changed when I went into labor on Thursday. I gave birth to little Bob Jnr and as I was cradling our newborn son in my arms, Bob asked the doctor if he’d be taking little Bob Jnr for a ‘comprehensive system virus scan’. The doctor mumbled something about being a ‘prick’ under his breath, and that’s when it dawned on Bob that for best part of his life he’s been unable to communicate properly with anyone who doesn’t understand computers.”

After the arrival of his new son, Bob immediately promised his wife that he would no longer use the words “I.P address”, “Network Communication Protocol” or “DLL System File” in the immediate aftermath of sex. He also made a pledge to start embracing the many thousands of everyday nouns, verbs and adjectives that ordinary Americans consistently use in conversation.

Recalling a catalogue of past horrors, June revealed some of the low points in her marriage were when Bob:

Told a bemused doctor that McAfee or Norton, not Alexander Fleming, invented penicillin

Insisted that an epileptic boy in the middle of a seizure needed to simply be “re-booted”, rather than take his vital prescription medication

Dressed up his laptop like a Japanese Geisha Girl and took it on weekend excursions to the movies.

June said: “I keep hearing about how the advancement of computer technology has made our lives so much easier, but for me it’s been a living hell. Probably the worst moment was when Bob decided to abandon the English language completely, and began to simply talk and write using a series of zeros and ones, which I later found out was something called binary code. It really was quite embarrassing at dinner parties when your husband talks like a demented puppet reciting the same two numbers over and over again. People naturally thought he was crazy.”

Co-workers have also expressed their relief at Bob’s decision to jump across to the land of real people. ‘Fat’ Eddie Jaques, who works in pet insurance claims adjustment, said: “Bob’s a great guy but whenever you called that help desk he may as well have been talking in Arabic. Nobody had a goddamn clue what he was talking about. Everything was ‘server’ this, or ‘tcp/ip’ that – it just didn’t make sense to anyone.

“If you asked him for lunch, rather than saying he was hungry….he’d say some bullcrap like ‘Indeed, I think it is time for my scheduled system maintenance’. I’d be like ‘Dude, I only want to know if you wanna grab a sandwich and a cup of coffee.’”

2004-02-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

Introducing Geraldine Rivers

War Correspondent for The Hollywood Hermit

For more than six months Geraldine Rivers has been following the war in Iraq. Here is her latest report on how Iraqis are adjusting to a post-Saddam society.

The moon sits warmly in the sky, gently glistening like a giant deep-fried peanut butter cup. The stars hang from invisible cosmic threads and dance across the heavens like Patrick Swayze in his prime. This tiny slice of secret paradise is both intoxication and intriguing. This is Iraq in 2004.

There used to be an old saying in the town of Fajula which was: “If you listen hard enough, every now and then the sound of gunfire will be rudely interrupted by the crash of silence.” That was in the bad old days, when Saddam Hussein’s grip on power was absolute. But those times are history. With Saddam gone, the villagers in Fajula don’t hear the sound of blazing guns anymore. In fact they don’t hear very much of anything, because last week a British Tornado dropped 4000lbs of explosives in the middle of the town and everyone within 500 yards was instantly rendered deaf. But to ordinary Iraqis things like senses….and limbs….aren’t important. They’re now free, and that’s all that matters.

The busy market town of Fajula attracts traders from across the region who spend hours huddled over dusty tables and makeshift booths in an attempt to sell their merchandise. I spoke to Mujad, a trader from out-of-town who described the situation in Iraq in poignant detail.

“Before the Americans came, this wretched market was full of stupid crap like fruit, vegetables and fish,” he told me. “But thanks to the Americans and British, all that has come to an end. Now we’re free to sell guns, rocket launchers, cigarettes and best of all….satellite TV. The traders around here have never had it so good.”

Mujad showed me an assortment of small arms, including a hunting crossbow and a rapid-fire pistol. “We love America. We love the market. We love weapons. Praise be.”

As I prepared to say goodbye to the ecstatic entrepreneur, he pulled me to one side and gestured to a mysterious black box under his table. As he gently opened the box and the hinges groaned open, Mujad pulled out the jewel in his crown. Sitting in front of me were four hedgehog Chia pets.

"These things have been selling like crazy. I’ve only got four of these hedgehog ones left, and I sold my last Rabbit Chia pet yesterday. I’d been hearing for so long about how great the Western market is, and now I know why. The Iraqi people just can’t get enough of Chia. I heard a rumor that somebody had tried to manufacture a range of Chia dictators, which included Hitler, Stalin and Saddam Hussein. But I don’t believe that. They’re probably cheap Iranian counterfeits, not the original American Chia quality.”

Moving through the village, it’s impossible not to be moved by the smattering of derelict houses, which sit like rotten concrete stumps in the dusty earth. This is all that’s left of over 20 years of Saddam’s rule, and after 5 minutes of Allied air attacks.

As I stroll through the village, I find Asif, a small boy of no more than nine or ten. He’s dressed in traditional Iraqi clothing, which consists of a Stars and Stripes bandana, a Union Jack t-shirt and a pair of Nike sneakers.

“We love Britain and America,” he said. “We don’t mind that their planes flew over and destroyed our homes and knocked out our electricity supply. We don’t even care that they killed a few of our friends, because to be honest some of them were old and were probably due to die soon anyway.

“None of this matters to us, because we are free. We have so much freedom we don’t know what to do with it. I don’t eat much these days, but I’m free. Rejoice. I am free.”

Asif grabbed me by the hand and eagerly scampered down the street. With one arm eagerly outstretched, he pointed at a blackened pile of charred brick and stone.

“You see that, that used to be the school. All we ever did there was read and write all day. It was so boring. But two weeks ago one of the American flying missiles hit it and it went “bang”. Now look, it’s destroyed. So rather than read and write all day, me and my friends gamble on cock fights and fire guns at each other. That’s so much more enjoyable than school.”

I say my goodbyes to Asif and make way back to my luxury five star hotel on the edge of Fajula. As I stroll past the armed guard, I can’t help but take one last glance back at the town. Amid the acrid smell of smoke, and gunpowder, and the lingering odor of sweat, one thing stand out more than everything. The smell of freedom. It’s a smell that no liberal air freshener could get rid of, and no socialist stink bomb could sour. And I know deep down that the Iraqi people can smell it too.

Editor’s note: Geraldine Rivers is currently under investigation by this publication after it was revealed that she filed this report from a New Jersey Howard Johnson’s, rather than the besieged town of Fajula. In a related issue, Hollywood Hermit researchers are still trying to find “Fajula” on a map of Iraq.

2004-02-23T21:02:00.000-05:00

Democrats seek restraining order against Nader

Senior Democrats are asking a Federal judge to impose a restraining order against Ralph Nader, claiming he is a danger to the electorate.

If successful, the order – thought to be the first of its kind – would effectively ban the liberal lunatic from going within 200 yards of any of America’s 205 million registered voters. In a further twist, Democratic strategists are seeking to extend the restraining order to apply to Nader’s photographic image, his image on video, the sound of his voice, and his written word. This would effectively limit the former Green Party leader to communicating with voters by Morse code, or by ancient Indian smoke signals.

A well-placed Democratic source said: “There’s no doubt in our mind that Nader handed Bush the election on a plate in 2000. In fact we personally hold Nader responsible for starting the Iraq war, cutting taxes for the rich and the bitterly cold winter this year.

“The principle behind the restraining order is simple. We believe that Ralph Nader has a harmful, and dangerous impact on America’s voters. When an average left-leaning voter sees Nader’s image, or hears his voice, he or she starts to dream of a society with better public services and an economy that serves working Americans, not corporate paymasters. That’s just nuts. There’s no way we can allow that to continue.”

While the restraining order is still going through the courts, Democrats have already planned out their ideal vision of a Nader-free election. The Hollywood Hermit has learned that Democratic planners are following the example of Ariel Sharon, who placed Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat under house arrest in 2003. In this scenario, Nader would be confined to a small room in his house for the duration of the election campaign.

If the restraining order is a success, Nader would effectively be banned from seeing, talking to, or contacting any American who is registered to vote. This would mean the selfish spoiler would be limited to mixing with children, prisoners, the homeless and the mentally ill.

The high-ranking Democratic source said: “Some people have claimed that we should ignore Nader and concentrate on running a campaign that captures the imagination and is strong enough to get a majority of the electorate on our side. But that’s just plain stupid. Nader attracts a critical three per cent of the vote across the nation, and what’s more if we lose he’s always a handy scapegoat to blame for our own failings.

“It’s unfortunate that things have got to this stage, but the bottom line is that we can’t trust the American people to vote in the way that we would like. With Nader out of the picture, we might just stand a chance of winning this year.”

A Nader spokeswoman said: “Our original concern was that Ralph would struggle to get on the ballot, but after hearing about this restraining order we’re worried that he might struggle to get out of the front door of his house. He’s stocking up with canned food and non-perishable items just to prepare for the worst case scenario. But looking on the bright side, maybe he’ll be able to attract the reclusive vote.”

2004-02-22T13:15:00.000-05:00

The Spin-Out Zone

By Little Willie Reilly

Beyonce Knowles’ breasts. That’s the subject of this week’s memo.

A recent report by the politically independent Conservative Right Against Porn group – or CRAP for short – stated that the increasingly provocative behavior of mega-stars such as singer Beyonce, could be harming American children.

The report claims that stars such as Miss Knowles – who has become an international star on the back of wearing revealing outfits that expose ample quantities of flesh – are corrupting the morality of our kids and hurting society.

The Spin-Out Zone believes that stars like Beyonce have an obligation to clean up their act, and to stop cashing-in at every opportunity with blatant displays of commercialism. We have no time for people like this, and I’ve written a whole chapter on this subject in my new book, Spring Cleaning America, which is available for $29.99 from most good bookstores. It really is a great read and I’d encourage all Americans – young and old – to digest and absorb the advice I offer.

But back to the breasts. Miss Knowles has joined the likes of Ludacris, Nelly, Fifty Cent and MC Hammer, who have made careers by thrusting sexual imagery and foul language down the throats of our nation’s youth. The Spin Out Zone believes that these people are morally bankrupt individuals whose only goal is to peddle filth in order to make cold, hard cash. And in case I didn’t mention this earlier, my new novel Murder In The Newsroom is now available through our online store. Now I must say that this novel is not for kids. It contains some mature themes, but I know my adult readers will find it a highly engrossing read.

But enough of me. Unless it’s included in a work of fiction by a white, middle-aged news analyst, sex, violence and bad language has no place in this country. I believe that ordinary Americans – the folks – are going to rise up against this and make their voices known. Because remember, we’re just looking out for the little guys, the ordinary Americans. And do you know who’s going to suffer? The big corporations who back this kind of socially irresponsible material. Viacom, Hearst, ABC, NBC….these are the guys who are going to start losing money when the folks realize what’s going on. It’s about time that these giant corporations – with the notable exception of News Corporation, which has a justifiable reason for printing pictures of half-naked women in Britain’s largest newspaper The Sun – are bought to account. And the quicker the better.

The Spin Out Zone is sick of the bleeding-heart liberals like the ACLU and NPR who seem intent on drowning Americans in a torrent of sex, drugs, death, and evil. Ultimately, the only way to settle an argument or to find the truth is to ask yourself this question. What would Jesus think in this situation?
Now, I can’t speak on behalf on the big man but I’m going to try to anyway. I think – correction, I know – that the Great Messiah wouldn’t be loading up his CD stereo with songs about bitches and whores. And that’s just a fact.

So when Jesus is personally against something, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. And until these rappers can make it onto the Lord’s playlist, they don’t have any credibility in the eyes of all Americans up and down the country.

And that’s the memo.

Next Week: Homeless black guys are getting free food and shelter in Indiana. We tell you who’s paying for it.

And, lawmakers in Colorado want multi-millionaires like your humble columnist to pay more taxes to help the unemployed find work. As always, I’ll present both sides of the argument, before concluding that only my opinion is right.

Until next time.

2004-02-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

Florida man wins promotion by simply repeating other people’s good ideas in meetings

A Florida man was celebrating Friday after earning a promotion by doing nothing more than repeating other people’s inventive ideas in meetings.

Julio Vasquez has spent the last three years working as an Account Executive for a Tampa Bay plastics firm, which services a wide array of manufacturing clients across America. But on Friday Vasquez’s boss – VP of Marketing Judy Scheiner – summoned him into her office and told him he’d been promoted to the position of Key Account Executive.

An elated Vasquez immediately went out to Skittles – a local strip joint – to celebrate, where he drank a toast to all the fellow employees whose ideas he’s plundered with remorseless efficiency.

Vasquez said: “I came into this job with a clear philosophy, which is ‘Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery’, and I can tell you that I’ve stretched the boundaries of this principle to a whole new level.

“I haven’t had an original thought in all the time I’ve worked here. But a lot of others have, and I’ve used them as my inspiration. The technique is breathtakingly simple. Someone else comes up with a good idea in a meeting, and then I just simply repeat it using slightly different language. Then, like magic, everybody associates that idea with me on the basis that I articulated it a little better. “

Over the last 18 months Vasquez has been credited with a ten per cent increase in client retention, a fifteen per cent reduction in operating costs and the introduction of floral scented toilet paper in the men’s bathroom.

Vasquez continued: “The client retention and operating costs ideas were stolen from one of the senior sales guys who has a stutter. He had a few great suggestions but he could never really get them out. So that’s where I stepped in, and helped him out by brazenly cashing-in on his piss-poor communication skills.

“But it’s the last one I’m really proud of. That wasn’t even stolen from a meeting. I actually overheard one of the cleaning guys mention the benefits of scented toilet paper, so after that I needed no further incentive. I emailed the office services manager and before long as I was crowned the savior of men’s bathroom hygiene.”

Offering an intimate glimpse inside his promotion strategy, Vasquez revealed that the repetition of other people’s good ideas wasn’t the only angle of attack. Another tried and tested technique is to simply nod your head, or say, “Yeah, we should definitely do that” after another employee has proposed something sensible. But, as Vasquez explains, timing is critical with this maneuver.

He said: “Now here’s where it really gets interesting. If somebody suggests just a regular good idea, simply nod your head or remark on how you agree with the speaker. But then when the blockbuster idea comes out, that’s when you strike by simply repeating it in slightly flashier language.

“If you work hard at it, you could probably get away without thinking anything for years. And more to the point, your odds of promotion will rocket. Now that’s my kind of career.”