The Post Where I Make Things Right With the Touchy Females

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6474702.post-85977395468612755582007-11-14T07:39:00.000-08:002008-03-02T21:42:42.933-08:00The Post Where I Make Things Right With the Touchy FemalesSo my last post got me called a misogynist, which is rather unfair, since I don’t hate women so much as I hate people in general. That’s why my blog has the sub-heading "Antisocial Commentary." I even wrote <a href="http://humor-blogs.com/store/purchase.asp?productID=2&referrerID=266">a book with that title</a>. I’m not sure how that’s unclear. Am I not using a big enough font? <o:p></o:p>Ok, ok, I don’t hate people, at least not the way I hate Grey’s Anatomy, but I do find them to be grating and tiresome, like one of the later episodes of M*A*S*H where Alan Alda spent the whole time whining about the horrors of war rather than playing amusing tricks on Hot Lips Hoolihan. Except that unlike with M*A*S*H, you can’t just tune it out, because people keep poking you and telling you that it’s your nephew’s birthday and you should really be watching him open presents rather than sitting on the couch in the other room reading The New Yorker. My in-laws are Dutch, and there’s a Dutch word for being sociable that I can’t spell which is pronounced huh-ZELL-uh -- but instead of making the h sound, you make a sound like someone choking to death slowly on a walnut. Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk-ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk. The Dutch are like Germans who have had their hunger for world domination replaced with a bad upper respiratory infection.<img src="http://www.mattresspolice.com/images/ear_rat2.jpg" alt="Ear Rat" style="margin-left: 20px;" align="right" />You have no idea how many times I’ve had to wipe the globs of sputum off my glasses from having that word spewed at me. I’m ALWAYS being chided that I need to be huh-ZELL-uh, usually by my wife or mother-in-law. “Diesel, put down that book and be Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk.” There’s even a noun form of it, in which you add an “-ite” sound to the end of the word: Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk-ITE. So if a group of old Dutch people are sitting together in a living room, sipping tea out of <st1:place st="on"><st1:city st="on">Delft</st1:city></st1:place> cups and discussing the relative merits of their respective negro manservants, then they are enjoying a bit of Khkhkhkhuuuuhkhkhkhk- ZELL-uuuuhkhkhhkhk-ITE. To me, it sounds like a good name for those little chunks of white stuff that I occasionally cough up when I’ve got a sinus infection, but whatever. To the Dutch, it’s a good thing. I’m of Dutch descent too, but my parents were second generation, so the word never got passed down to me or my brothers. Come to think of it, I don’t think we learned the concept of being sociable in any language. In fact, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’re probably thinking, “Wait, you have brothers?” Yeah, sorry about that. It just hasn’t come up. I haven’t spoken to either of them in six months – not because we don’t get along, but because, geez, what do we need to talk about that we can’t cover in a ten minute phone call once a year? So my wife’s family is much more social than mine, and frankly it’s a bit hard for me to take at times. Don’t get me wrong – being married to Mrs. Diesel would be worth having the Manson family as in-laws, but occasionally I overdose on human contact and have to go hide under my bed for a few days. <img src="http://www.mattresspolice.com/images/keira_ear.jpg" alt="Keira" style="margin-right: 20px;" align="left" />I used to feel guilty about wanting to get away from people, but I’m feeling better about it as I get older. The first indication I got that it was okay for me to be this way came when my wife and I were first married. We took a trip to <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country-region> to visit some of her relatives. We met several of her aunts and uncles, and they were all super friendly and hospitable, as Canadians tend to be, except for one uncle, who literally didn’t say a word to us. He just sat in a chair in the kitchen and read the newspaper, while we chatted or played games or whatever. Nobody even bothered to apologize for him, because they were just so used to him being completely antisocial. I slept in this guy’s basement for two nights, and he never said a word to me. I can imagine a lot of people being offended by his lack of sociability, but my reaction was, “Wow, can you do that? That is so AWESOME.” He and I bonded that day through a complete lack of human contact. I’ve been trying to get up the courage to be that guy for the past 14 years. My point is that while I take issue with the “misogynist” label, I’ll readily admit that I’m not big on people. I guess that in the end, I’m a bit of a loner, and I’m learning to be okay with that. Plus, the chicks dig it. They’re easy that way. Find plenty more touchy females at <a href="http://humor-blogs.com/">humor-blogs.com</a>.Dieselhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14731849693307953813noreply@blogger.com