The Conservative Muse

"Dear Landlord" - An Open Letter to Big Government

2009-11-15T10:46:00.005-06:00

Dear Big Government,

Wow!

It’s been just a year since The One was elected

And your socialist progress is more than expected!

Your plans for GM and for Chrysler are swell,

And now it turns out you’re our landlord, as well!

Remember way back when you made us that loan,

With that shark-skin-suit broker who reeked of cologne,

Who bullied us silly until we had signed

Those papers that soon were to rob us both blind?

You’ll recall that our payments became kind of late,

So you now own our house, and we think that’s just great!

We’ve made up a “honey-do” list, as it were,

Since there’s lots of repairs that we’ve had to defer:

There’s drips in the ceiling, and gaps in the doors;

There’s droppings from mice in our silverware drawers.

Our son tried to flush his new train set’s caboose,

Now the toilet backs up and the fittings are loose.

The hot water’s cold – if there’s water at all;

There’s sparks from the ceiling lamps down the back hall.

The wood’s rotted out underneath all the eaves,

And the yard is knee-deep with a shitload of leaves!

There must be a czar I can call to complain,

-- perhaps in a “Bureau of Homes to Maintain”?

After all, there are surely tons more of us saps

That got swamped by these loans in the housing collapse!

We promise it’s not our intention to whine;

For example, our clunker-bought car is just fine!

(Except that the cost of insurance is higher,

And…whoops! There I go again… call me a liar!)

So I’ll finish this letter by lavishly praising

The things that you’ve done that are truly amazing:

You own banks and those cars, and you want to provide

The centralized health care that Canada’s tried,

Which is good since I’ve got this strange pain in my side…

Our lives will be easier once we’ve relied

On Obama’s Big Government being our guide!

Sincerely,

Your Comrade in Socialist Pride!

Now Playing: Obama's Circus of Horrors!

2009-11-06T14:29:00.004-06:00

“Step right up, all you kids, and you Ladies and Gents!

You’ll witness the World’s Greatest Show in these tents!

To the ends of the earth we’ve sent fearless explorers

To discover the stars of our Circus of Horrors!

“We proudly present in our centermost ring

This act that will cause your emotions to swing

From laughter to tears, then to uttermost shock:

It’s Mahmoud from Iran, and his tamed pet, Barack!

“Folks, your sides will explode with the utmost hilarity

As Mahmoud tells the world, with the fakest sincerity,

He’ll allow the inspectors to check out his nukes

-- and this placates Barack and those U. N.-led kooks!

“You’ll cry in a torrent of massive profusion

When Obama performs his most heartfelt illusion:

While Iranian protestors suffer fierce beatings,

The Elegant One turns deaf ears to their pleadings!

“And you’ll gasp as Barack offers warmth and engagement,

Then watches Israelis express their enragement

As they capture a boat that’s been loaded with arms –

While Mahmoud disavows he intends any harms!

“It’s a sideshow event that you won’t want to miss:

Watch Mahmoud lead the world to the brink of Abyss

While the Head of the West does his best to make nice --

Like the 'Czar' of Iran will then heed his advice!

Mahmoud’s crazy actions exact no big price:

To call Barack ‘meek’ is an insult to mice!”

"Barack Gets Bad News; Kills Messenger"

2009-11-03T14:43:00.004-06:00

We Americans gratefully pay our respects

To our forebears who bravely had stuck out their necks

In risky endeavors that built the foundation

To bear all the weight of our bourgeoning nation.

Through colonial times to the wild, wooly West,

To merely survive was one helluva test!

But few old-time professions could meet the distress

Of the cowboys who rode for the Pony Express!

Those couriers traveled untamed Western land

Where Hostiles staged raids like in “Custer’s Last Stand.”

How could anything be in the least bit as harrowing

As being the target of Indian arrowing?

Though delivering mail nowadays is secure,

Those “shooting the messenger” tactics endure.

We envision Obama-ites, hidden by boulders,

With their quiver of arrows and bows on their shoulders,

Just waiting for someone displaying the nerve

To encroach on their ideologic preserve.

If you wonder just how being ambushed must feel,

Ask those good folks at WellPoint -- who’ve felt it for real!

This insurance provider for several states

Was requested by Congress to study the rates

Of changes in premiums coming about

If ObamaCare leftists in Congress win out.

So WellPoint replied with exhaustive descriptions

Of impacts on costs for MDs and prescriptions.

If you’re healthy and young - not addicted or crippled -

Your premium payment will likely be tripled.

But small business and couples avoid this big trouble --

Their cost of insurance would simply just double.

Before ink was dry on the final report,

The Democrats screamed with their standard retort:

The review “twisted facts” for “results that were skewed…”

How could anyone think they would ever be screwed

By elegant, erudite men like Barack?

These ridiculous claims are an absolute crock!

So WellPoint now joins with Humana as samples

Of those upon whom Barack’s war machine tramples.

The One claims he’s cleaning up other folks’ mess --

As if what he’s doing is such a success.

But we would suggest that there’s more disarray

From the carnage of those who would dare to convey

Information that causes Obama dismay.

Compared to those messengers working today,

The Pony Express was a roll in the hay!

Move Over, Saul Alinsky: Barack Has a New Hero!

2009-10-26T13:23:00.004-05:00

We all have our role models, idols, and heroes –

Those folks who’ve transformed us from life’s would-be zeroes

To people of substance, with lives that have meaning,

While sometimes imparting political leaning.

Though he’s close as men come to libs’ view of perfection,

For pure hero-worship, Barack’s no exception.

There’s socialist stalwarts Alinsky and Ayers,

And Reverend Wright with his hate-spewing prayers.

But now a new hero’s within Barack’s sight,

A person whose shining political light

Makes Alinsky et al appear pale in comparison.

(Though his country’s rich opium trade is embarrassin’!)

It’s the brave Hamid Karzai to whom we refer;

On closer inspection you’d have to concur

That he’s saved Barack’s skin with his recent behavior,

And earned – like The One – designation as “Savior.”

From fraud and deceit without slightest restraint

- that make Rev Al Sharpton look more like a saint –

Prez Karzai declared that he’d won the election,

But then was convinced to recant the selection.

And meantime, Obama’s attempting to run

The “justified” war that George Bush had begun.

He asked of his Generals, “Give me your best!”

He got their advice – and ignored their request.

Decisions, decisions! Who could’ve foretold

The job’s now requiring some action that’s bold!

Will he anger his base by becoming a hawk,

Or let radicals triumph by taking a walk?

But Karzai’s election and voting abuse

Have given the Dawdler-in-Chief an excuse

To further delay any warfare conclusion,

Since the Afghans themselves are in ruling confusion!

This morass has a drain through which Barry* can slither:

As we watch the morale of our servicemen wither,

Obama can vacillate yon and then hither –

His new Hero has given him reason to “dither!”

* - English for “Barack”

The Muse Makes a Plea: "Anita, Spare Us!"

2009-10-19T14:12:00.006-05:00

If Life has one lesson, then this must be it:

You can one day be king, and the next day be shit!

Last week we’re so thrilled by our Nobel Peace Prize,

And today we’re confronting an early demise!

“Poor Muse,” you must think, “what horrendous disease

Could reduce potent verse to a piteous wheeze?

What illness afflicts you for which there’s no healing?”

“It’s Obama,” we’d answer, “who’s got us all reeling.”

The premature end of the Muse might be sad,

But it’s not even close to a status as bad

As the damage The One and his pals as a whole

Are inflicting upon the American soul.

Our country was founded on tenets of freedom;

The Bill of Rights names’em, but Libs must not read’em.

How else to explain overstretching their reach

To threaten and stifle conservative speech?

Barack’s hired a woman who’s named ‘Nita* Dunn --

She’s got all the warmth of Attila the Hun!

With pit-bull resolve she’s been wholly infused

To accomplish her mission to silence Fox News.

Along with her protégée - one Robert Gibbs-

She’s sticking her liberal fork in the ribs

Of a network that often will host the opinions

Of those speaking out ‘gainst Barack and his minions.

Ms. Dunn’s bona fides for playing this role

Were displayed in a lecture that heard her extol

those heroes who’ve guided her since she was young:

There’s Mother Teresa and – whoa! – Mao Tse-Tung!

Obama himself jumped this strong-arming train,

Naming Fox and Rush Limbaugh while on his campaign

To discredit the right as dishonest and biased –

While MSNBC gets a pass from The Highest!

Barack’s overturned legal bondholder rights,

And insulted nay-sayers in health-reform fights.

Now the government’s using our taxpaying cash

For funding a blog for this anti-Fox trash!

It’s Chicago-style politics played by The One,

With Mafia muscle - just lacking the gun!

A climate like this gets our heart rate increased:

How long will it be ‘til our verse is deceased?

Fox News is big stuff in the media set;

They’ll survive this unseemly Obama-led threat.

But we’re just a small pawn in the politics game,

So we’ll grovel as follows, without any shame:

"Anita, please spare us! We hereby confess

that the Muse is quite likely to deeply obsess

over Democrats’ actions that get us depressed.

If you let us go free we’ll not further transgress

‘Gainst Barack or the Dems –

and Mao’s name we will bless!”

* - actually, “Anita”

News Flash: The Muse Wins Nobel Peace Prize!

2009-10-11T13:31:00.005-05:00

Today’s a great day for your good friend, The Muse;

He woke to a phone call extolling the news

That he’s won an award of repute that’s sublime:

The Nobel Peace Prize for Achievement in Rhyme!

The award cites our great contribution to peace

In ways that are mentioned within this release:

“While the Muse entertains us with dubious verse,

the world’s not so great -- but it’s not gotten worse!”

As behooves our high birth and our state of noblesse,

We’ve issued this statement for use by the press:

“We’re shocked and surprised, and we’re humbled quite deeply;

Its chokes us all up, gets us sobby and weeply…”

We’ll promise to act as befits honorees:

With class and distinction to highest degrees.

We’ll use the cash well, like to set up large grants

for teaching all school kids Muse-worshipping chants!

We’ll make a PR blitz on each network station;

We’re open for bookings for every occasion.

We’ll do button-down news, or a hip show that rocks --

“Meet the Press,” or “The Late Show” – just never on Fox!

Now wait just a minute… we’re getting some flack…

It’s suggested we give all the prize money back

Since our readership barely has reached double digits

And our format attracts intellectual midgets.

Some people are saying they’re truly irate

That this prize was awarded without much debate.

It’s true we’ve accomplished so little to date,

But that evens us up with the following slate

Of winners with backgrounds of equal light weight:

Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, and Obama the Great!

"Obama at the (Olympics) Bat!"

2009-10-08T13:20:00.006-05:00

With sincere apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer's Casey At The Bat.

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Chi-town team that day;

The morning odds were leaning Rio de Janiero’s way.

But first Michelle, and then The One, were poised to plead their case;

No way could any listener not warm to their embrace!

The ESPN scribes were there to set down all the facts,

As giddy as the lefty press their journalist would wax:

Michelle was great! Magnificent! She even brought out tears

When mentioning her father, so disabled all those years.

But that was just the warm-up, and there wasn’t long to wait

Until the Great Barack would take his turn up at the plate.

A hush fell o’er the breathless crowd whilst anxiously it sat

To see which strategy The One would pull from out his hat.

Would begging for atonement for Americana sin

Be modestly put forth to gain this great Olympic win?

Or maybe just reminding all who hear Obama’s voice

America the Vile was changed by presidential choice!

Perhaps to hold good “talks” for votes is part of his grand plan,

The way he’s been successful with those mullahs in Iran.

He’s lowered seas, and set in play large taxes to be used

To lessen carbon footprints lest our planet be abused;

He’s brought the world together with evangelistic zeal;

A grateful IOC should kiss his feet and do the deal!

With mien of cultured elegance he strode up to the mike;

With style and grace his regal words a poignant chord did strike.

Those gathered there had seen great leaders come and go before,

But none affected people like The One whom they adore!

They thought he was a rock star as they rushed the stage to show

The spiel he’d made was true as any pitch that one could throw.

But then a funny thing occurred après this big event:

Results of votes were published, to Obama’s discontent.

He had as much success as all his prior trips had got…

Despite the adulation he’s not generated squat!

It’s shocking just how fast the lefty spin machine was loosed;

The names of Bush and Limbaugh as their scapegoats were produced.

Yes, somewhere folks are laughing and their children gaily shout,

But that somewhere ain’t Chicago – Great Obama has struck out!

An Open Letter to Tom Friedman, Maureen Dowd, and Jimmy Carter

2009-10-01T19:48:00.007-05:00

So we went on vacation, attempting to chill;

De-stressing in France was a really big thrill.

We’d sworn off caffeine – hadn’t even a cup –

But then all you guys shot our blood pressure up!

We’d hoped that our tour would provide insulation

From news of the States that might cause aggravation.

But overseas outlets, against our own wills,

Overwhelmed us with quotes from you liberal shills.

Let’s see if we’ve got these absurdities straight:

Obama’s a “centrist,” claims Thomas the Great;

While Jimmy and Dowd join the “racist” refrain –

No serious person could really disdain

The “erudite” “elegance” shown by The One;

It’s “lunacy” if we oppose what’s He’s done!

We know we’re less bright than a liberal mind,

But these facts should make clear how He ought be defined:

In 2001, on an NPR show,

He gushed with a redistributionist glow.

Now he’s promised his partisan unionist crew

There’ll be socialized health care before he’s all through.

There’s a lot of our business that government owns,

Plus they’ve subsidized cars and the purchase of homes.

Yet you’re calling him “centrist”?! Please tell us all how….

He’s just to the right of that great Chairman Mao!

His "erudite elegance" proves to you why

One must be a racist to shout out “You Lie!”

We admit that this outburst could use some reviewing,

But what if that’s just what The One has been doing?

He says that his health reforms aren’t socialistic,

That projections of “savings” are quite realistic;

Like he said he’d not want a new CIA probe,

And cap and trade’s going to save our poor globe.

What’s worse than these li…uh…fibs… is the demonization

Of all those opposing his plans for the nation.

Ask those guys at Humana, still drained from their fight:

Don’t mess with The One -- even if you are right!

It’s strange how you libs won’t pay proper attention

to these blatant attempts at suppressing dissension.

We guess it’s OK ‘cause He’s got "erudition,"

Your "elegant" Prez on his socialist mission!

We know you all hold an exalted position

As pundits of lefty, elitist tradition.

But your absolute love for this one politician

Imbues us with fear for your mental condition!

Vive la France! ... and other Socialist countries!

2009-09-26T10:51:00.008-05:00

Bonjour, mes amis! It’s been too long a time

Since the Muse has sat down and composed a new rhyme.

Our opening words will convey at first glance

That the Muse has returned from a trip to la France.

From Versailles to Par-ee and le Mont St. Michel,*

To Omaha Beach where our boys went through Hell --

Are more powerful memories ever obtainable?

Too bad that the country’s not long-term sustainable!

‘Cause the typical Frenchman, along with his spouse,

Produces on average one kid per house.

No seer is required to divine what’s ahead

When 1 takes the place of the 2 that are dead.

It won't be too long - like the next generation? -

Before there’s a plummeting State population.

This bodes major trouble for Frenchie society,

A big government culture with socialist piety.

They supply social services ‘til your last breath,

Which comes pretty soon since they tax you to death.

They tax you right down to your household TV --

But, hey, who’s complaining? The health care is “free”!

And meantime French business is hurt by intrusion

Of State regulations of massive profusion,

Including the number of hours that one works,

And lengths of vacations one gets as his perks.

With meddling like this, it’s not hard to see why

Productivity’s low and the joblessness high.

With stagnating commerce and rocketing costs,

The path to the Socialist Eden’s been lost.

The likeliest option for gaining this dream

Is engaging in what is the Ponzi-like scheme

Of acquiring new workers the country can tax

To support all the old folks on all their young backs.

But there’s reason why Frenchies these days are forlorn:

As we’ve said, those new workers are not being born!

Now the government’s paying out lush compensation

To all married couples for mere procreation!

Older taxpayers must be aghast at this stuff –

Wasn’t raising their own children “taxing” enough?

This problem’s not merely a fiscal disaster,

‘Cause one ethnic group is expanding much faster

Than Catholic France can e’er hope to digest:

It’s those fun-loving Muslims, who’re breeding like pests!

How soon will it be before “Ave Maria”

Is replaced by a song in the key of sharia?

There’s something in this that we find quite unsettling;

Could it be that the programs Obama is peddling

Are causing us states of subconscious distress

Because they remind us of all this French mess?

Higher taxes and over-the-top regulation?

Single-payer type health care to bankrupt the nation?

Bilingual-style schools due to lax immigration?

We knew that Obama likes acts of prostration

To gain Europeans’ august admiration;

But we always suspected his major fixation

Was the chance to perform a bad French imitation!

*- pronounced Moan San Mee-shell´

The Muse Is On Vacation!

2009-09-11T09:46:00.002-05:00

Le Muse est en vacances en France;

see you in a couple of weeks!

Obama Racism Causes Unwanted Boomer Flashback!

2009-08-31T21:08:00.004-05:00

Some say that we live in an Age of Consumerism,

But the Muse is enduring the Ageing of Boomerism!

That’s “Boomer,” like “Baby” -- our famed generation

Which we all like to think caused such great transformation

Of American culture (or portions thereof),

By experimentation with drugs and free love.

We witnessed societal growth and improvement

As reflected so well by the Civil Rights Movement,

When minority justice was keenly promoted,

With laws to protect every person who voted.

Encoding all citizens’ rights to the polls

was highly symbolic of activist goals.

We recall scenes of militants wearing berets

And brandishing nightsticks in racist displays

Of unlawful attempts to intimidate those

Who cast ballots in ways that these thugs would oppose.

But this isn’t a Boomer’s mere sixties’ reflection --

Can’t think that far back!

-- It’s from last year’s election!

And this time no white Southern bigots were there;

The group named Black Panthers was trying to scare

Any citizen casting a GOP vote;

Their bullying tactics were joined by this gloat,

As expressed in the words of a would-be attacker:

“You’re about to be ruled by the black man, (you) cracker!”

Oh my! What to do when the voting suppressors

are blacks who are acting like Klan-ish successors?

The Justice Department filed legal complaints

To put all these outlaws in lawful constraints.

But before they were sentenced to terms apropos,

Obama took office -- and let’em all go!

To be fair, ‘twas The One’s new AG, Eric Holder,

Who apparently thinks he’s allowed to be bolder

by considering race in his legal decisions;

How else to explain these fair charges’ rescissions?

Is Eric some great Constitutional whiz?

These acts make us wonder what color he is!

The media scream how we “racists” impair

Barack’s health care reform that would treat us all “fair.”

But we question how all this Black Panther distress

Has escaped the concern of the liberal press.

We’d thought the election had opened the door

To not having the issues of race anymore.

But we Boomers are finding it hard to ignore

The sickening feeling we’ve been here before!

Lib Media "Race" to Insult Conservatives!

2009-08-23T11:42:00.005-05:00

We’re “dumb” and we’re “stupid,” we’re “selfish” and “greedy;”

We won’t spare a dime to help those who’re needy.

If it weren’t for Rush Limbaugh we’d not have a clue

Of how we should think, much less know what to do.

These quotes all derive from the liberal litany

Of abuse once reserved for blonde airheads named Britney.

Of all of their insults there’s one that’s the basest:

Disagree with The One and it means you’re a racist!

Of course, all we Righties who dare to object

To Barack’s proposed health care reform can expect

To be ridiculed when, and wherever, libs gather -

But these days our TVs make us yearn for Dan Rather!

CBS axed Ol’ Dan for fake Bushie reporting,

But the folks at MSNBC are resorting

To more odious falsehoods to further their claims

That gun-totin’ racists are taking their aims

At earnest lib pols who just want to provide

Single-payer-type health care until we’ve all died.

In playing the race card, the network showed pics

Of rifles attached to the backs of white hicks.

What a frightening light these scenes cast on our nation:

Our black President stymied by white agitation.

Of course, there’s one fact these “reporters” held back:

That guy with the big, scary weapon?

He’s black.

Turns out he’s expressing his right to bear arms;

No reason to raise these malicious alarms.

But with Dan and the other lib media crew,

Propaganda prevails over what’s really true!

“Condescending” describes how the liberals preach,

But a lesson exists that the Right needs to teach:

The Left’s toleration of dissident speech

Goes almost as far as their “wee-wee” can reach! *

* - Don’t blame us; we’re just quoting the President!

Barack Goes "Postal," Shoots Self in Foot!

2009-08-17T13:59:00.004-05:00

These days there’s significant fur taken flight,

From the health care debate that’s now more of a fight.

Both sides are unruly, and raising the heat

With “Nazis” and tough union thugs on the beat.

But a bunch of this stuff is in truth quite amusing,

In particular, strategies libs are now using

To peddle their dear “Public Option” that sees

Big government raised to the highest degrees.

Barack and his minions have tried to insist

That private and government firms can exist

In markets in which their main trade intersects -

Like the Post Office, plus UPS and Fed Ex.

Whoops! The One’s made an error of poor cogitation:

Since when’s the P.O. the exemplification

Of a government agency known for efficiency?

Instead it defines bureaucratic deficiency!

With famous incompetence, billions in losses,

Employees gone “postal” a threat to their bosses,

E’en The One says it’s always in trouble – and yet

Public Option would mean doubling down on that bet!

So the Post Office stands as a noteworthy case

Of successful Fed groups in a privatized place?

Sure… like Custer’s an icon for Plains battle tactics,

Or that Mom of octuplets for good prophylactics;

Like Amelia Earhart for safety in flight,

Or the quaint Barney Frank for a UFC* fight.

This silly analogy is, simply put,

King Barack chowing down on a sandwich of foot!

The One has a Special Delivery gift:

Single payer “reform” that would show how we drift

So doggedly left as he tries to fulfill

Campaign vows to unions who act as his shill.

Like Overnight Mail, King Barack’s in a hurry

To pass a health bill, though its contents are blurry.

But it only will cost a cool trillion or so,

And it’s easy enough to just print up the dough

Plus there’s plenty of taxes on wealth to bestow,

And the Left’s getting tense – let’s get on with the show!

* - Ultimate Fighting Championship

King Henry VIII, the Queen of Hearts, and Obama I

2009-08-11T10:17:00.010-05:00

The Muse has already embellished the theme

That Alice in Wonderland mirrors the scheme

Of illogical thought that’s becoming so prevalent

In Year One of the Reign of Barack the Benevolent.

But we’re shocked that The One’s climbed tyrannical charts

To the height of the fictional red Queen of Hearts!

The Queen had a saying for which she was famous:

‘Twas “Off with your head” to a poor ignoramous

Who dared to do something so foul as ask questions

about motives behind some contentious suggestions.

Now Barack’s got contrary conservatives dreading

the arrogant Left’s metaphoric beheading.

These new “town hall meetings on health care reform”

Have brought out a vast right conspiracy storm

Of protestors booing the Democrat speaker ---

lib proof that conservative minds are much weaker.

Are these people as dumb as the Left would portray,

Or have they just read what the bill has to say?

Lady Nancy, Sir Durbin and other Dem lords

Have been striking the same anti-dissident chords,

Referring to “Nazi-like” organizations

Who orchestrate all of these “fake” protestations.

So libs are okay with thug ACORN-type groups,

But the Right is defamed when it rallies its troops?

How fitting that Dems made the “Nazi” quotation:

They learned that a tool for “town hall” agitation

Was an emailing list that had spread the good word;

In attempts to assure this free speech isn’t heard,

They want “fishy emails” shut down at the source:

Der Fuhrer would love such tyrannical force!

With aid from his Knights in the media realm

King Barack’s got his socialist hand on the helm

To maneuver our lost ship-of-state into ports

That provide single-payer-type plans he exhorts.

Both His Highness and quaint Barney Frank have confessed

That it’s that kind of health care with which they’re obsessed.

‘Mongst those who lopped heads as a powerful threat,

King Henry the Eighth was as bad as they get.

But Obama is making a modern-day bid

For infamy gained by his chopping the lid

Of legitimate protestors daring to speak

‘Gainst the current hot icon of liberal chic.

We pray that this dissidence isn’t unique --

Just think of the damage Obama can wreak!

Hillary Takes "I'm Sorry" Tactic to India!

2009-08-05T18:00:00.002-05:00

They say that the view when you’re way up in space

is a thrill of a sort you can never replace.

That earthly blue marble’s aglow with a shine

That humbles us all and confirms the Divine.

It’s amazing what things you can see from so high:

The Great Wall of China is clear to the eye.

But wait – what’s that pall o’er that Indian nation?

Why, it’s smog from industrial maximization!

Obama had promised to end all the harm

Of carbon dioxide by laying his charm

on leaders of countries with filthy conditions,

and convince them to greatly curtail their emissions.

So to salvage our planet poor Hill was dispatched

On a mission in which she was greatly mismatched.

Mrs. Clinton was sent to see Indian reps

To see if they’d willingly take the first steps

Toward treaties to minimize carbon production –

(As if global warming’s a man-made construction!)

Their answer was short and succinct, not long-windy;

uh, let’s see how to put this… what’s “F--- you” in Hindi?

Now how could our Hillary fail so prodigiously?

She stuck to Barack’s foreign playbook religiously!

She tried using trademark Obama psychology:

The first thing she did was to make an apology!

What classic self-loathing of leftist theocracy,

To badmouth our “climate-change-making” democracy!

To suggest we’re the problem should make us all seethe,

when Asians wear masks while outside just to breathe!

Hill followed The One’s ineffectual lead

Which he blazed when in Europe by daring to plead

For global indulgence for all our past crimes;

But his programs were roundly rebuffed at all times!

“I’m sorry” is useful in some situations,

like Middle School dramas or spousal relations;

but to think it’s effective in tough situations

with grizzled officials of overseas nations

is a fantasy born of naïve expectations.

We hope that Obama’s got new variations

On his tactic of humble and meek supplications!

Summer Reading for Liberals (Are You Listening, John Conyers?)

2009-07-31T10:53:00.006-05:00

We know that Barack’s a speech-maker deluxe,

In contrast to Bush, who so painfully sucks.

His syntax is glib and his vocals are swell --

It’s just that the content is scary as hell!

But we also now know how the Dems have ingested

These programs Barack and his boys have suggested:

The honest John Conyers just lately admitted

He’s not reading the health bill the Congress submitted!

It’s too long and complex, but he’ll vote for the plan,

Even though neither he nor the average man

Can determine who may be the bill’s beneficiary -

He’s only the head of the House’s Judiciary!

This incredible story has gotten us Musing

On all of the things that the Dems aren’t perusing.

To shed helpful light that these liberals need,

Here’s a summertime list of some things they should read:

They first should go back and restudy the contents

Of the stimulus bill and the “cap and trade” nonsense.

Scientific reports and a history book

Would show them how silly these policies look.

And now that GM’s got a government czar,

This leader should know about building a car.

“Car and Driver” and “Motor Trend” sound pretty tough,

But The Big Book of Cars should be simple enough!

We recall when Obama was acting so rash

O’er secured Chrysler creditors’ claims to their cash;

They’re “selfish” and “greedy,” he said with aplomb;

A bankruptcy primer might make him less dumb!

Now even some liberals voice their dismay

That we’re lurching so far in a socialist way.

But we knew Barack longed for big government glory:

We’ve read what was printed about his life story!

Of course there are plenty of books that we’ve missed;

By now, we're assured that you’ve gotten the gist.

But as long as The One and his minions persist

In pounding our laws with a liberal fist

We need to be equally strong to insist

That our own Constitution be high on their list!

The Muse Pops a Quiz! (Hint: Obama's Involved...)

2009-07-26T14:29:00.004-05:00

Now here’s a pop quiz that will test your awareness

Of movies, child books, and a guy who seeks “fairness”:

Q: What’s the link ‘tween a famed, giant Japanese creature,

and Barack, and the star of a Disney kid feature?

A: As sure as Godzilla returns to raze Tokyo,

Obama will make like a human Pinocchio!

It’s hard to beat Clinton, who looked in our eyes,

And still, under oath, told his Monica lies.

But Obama is using his “gift” that he flaunts –

Slick speech-making talent that every pol wants –

To feed us untruths in a story that grows

As fast and as large as Pinocchio’s nose.

There first was the stimulus, promising rates

Of higher employment to all of the States.

Since no stimulus spending has worked in our history,

The source of its failure is hardly a mystery.

But The One has a comeback when faced with reality:

“Blame Bush! He’s the guy who destroyed our vitality!”

And next came the whimsical “cap and trade” scheme,

a bloated big government tax-and-spend dream.

Barack has promoted a truly huge hoax:

While vowing no taxes on middle class folks,

Instead he’d raise costs of whatever’s consumed

By those suckers whose welfare he says he’s assumed.

Now here comes his favorite: health care reform!

Our current “poor” system he’d like to transform

To a government-run and -controlling bureaucracy:

To claim this cuts costs is the height of hypocrisy!

Like the high squeaky voice of the doll of Geppetto,

Newly-castrated doctors will speak in falsetto!

Barack’s headstrong charges are sounding alarms:

Could drops in the polls mean he’s losing his charms?

Like a growing proboscis of puppeteer fame,

We need a reliable gauge to proclaim

When Obama is playing his dishonest game --

Or we’ll let him accomplish his socialist aim!

The Muse Predicts the Scariest Horror Sequel Ever!

2009-07-17T18:55:00.010-05:00

The Muse is an icon of taste and gentility,

A role he accepts with the utmost humility.

Besides being skilled as a right-winging bard,

He holds works of culture in highest regard.

Of music and art he’s a fervent adorer --

But he guiltily loves that film genre called “horror.”

There’s Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolf Man, The Mummy ---

All creatures with whom the Boy Muse had got chummy.

His innocent mind was both tortured and thrilled

when a hideous fiend, even though he was killed,

would return from the dead in a new incarnation --

the concept of “sequel” was given creation!

There’s “Son of…” and “Bride of…” and even a “Ghost of”….

It’s Hollywood’s way of finessing the most of

A movie idea that really does work!

We’re amused to see studio heads go berserk,

Rehashing old plots to ensure flow of cash

Before the hot franchise can wear out and crash.

But these monsters can’t just undergo resurrection:

They need to come back with more vicious intention.

To keep modern horror freaks hungry for more,

The producers keep upping the carnage and gore.

(and sadly, the “Son of…” and “Bride of…” we knew,

Are replaced by mere numbers, like “Troll” and “Troll 2”.)

“Halloween,” “Friday”s Jason, and chainsaws in Texas

Are likely to show someone’s doomed solar plexus

Getting split in a bloodbath of graphic portrayal

Lest producers commit the most fatal betrayal

Of their fans by not meeting a gross-out potential;

A high body count is now genre-essential!

But now there’s a sequel in full preproduction,

That promises scenes of prodigious destruction

to make all the carnage of splatter films seem

Like innocent stuff of a Dr. Seuss theme.

So prepare yourselves well for the ghastly extreme

Of “Stimulus 2 – Barack’s Socialist Dream!”

Flash: Barack, EPA, Join Flat-Earth Society!

2009-07-11T11:00:00.006-05:00

There really are people who claim to believe

That our planet is flat since that’s what they perceive.

'Gainst conventional wisdom they flaunt their defiance;

After all, what’s the use of that thing they call “science”?

Now Barack’s EPA is that type of society

Where rejection of facts is considered propriety.

It recently squelched scientific results

Of a study that’s harmful to climate change cults.

It told us the truth about globalized warming,

But with leftist agendas it wasn’t conforming.

Now our sly EPA’s listed CO2 gases

As threats to melt glaciers and drown all the masses.

These rife greenhouse gases need tight “regulation,”

A fine euphemism for some wacky taxation.

Flat-Earthers are sane when compared to a man

Thinking “cap and trade” schemes are a really good plan!

The One says we shouldn’t be all that concerned,

The average person will only be burned

To the tune of few hundreds of dollars a year…

Sure…

…and socialized health care is nothing to fear!

The economy’s sick and it raises our hackles

When Obama’s response is to put it in shackles

By taxing the heck out of all of our trade

As part of the “Stop Global Warming” charade.

The Flat Earth Society’s nutty, it’s true,

But we’d also point out that Barack has no clue

Of realities posed by financial distress;

Just look how his “stimulus” adds to the mess!

The One and his Agency ought to address

Our need for a shrink who can rightly assess

How far from the truth that they’re apt to digress

‘Til their socialist system’s installed with success.

"How Do I Love Thee, Barack? Let Me Count the Ways"

2009-07-05T19:42:00.004-05:00

(The Muse offers wholehearted apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning, whose poem can be read here.)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

You tax the rich like modern Robin Hood,

To redistribute for the greater good.

You maketh me know how not-working pays.

I love with the ardor of the sun’s rays

That warmeth the globe, though less than man does.

Your cap and trade tax is blessed because

You’ll save mankind, thereby earning all praise.

I love thee for your generous essence.

We rejoice in future stimulus checks

And coupons for digital TV specs,

And cash to change light bulbs to fluorescents.

I love thee for social engineering.

Your sin tax and gas tax with larger goals

To moor your flock on collectivist shoals,

There our personal freedoms adhering.

I love thee for foreign humility.

You have seen the wisdom of prostration

Before crowds of European nation --

Your peaceful ways promise tranquility.

With concepts of “fairness” thou connect me;

for a level field I pledge last breath;

Thy nanny state shall always protect me

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Death.

I love thee for universal health care;

For the Fiat of Obama Motors.

Your agenda is safe; no one will dare

Incur the wrath of us needy voters!

Obama's Foreign Policy Linchpin Revealed: The Aflac Defense

2009-07-02T14:43:00.001-05:00

© 2009 by The Conservative Muse

We’ll have to give goofy Joe Biden his due
For predicting that after Obama’s debut
Some nut would create a most dire provocation
To test The One’s foreign affairs inclination.
His response is no longer maintained in suspense:
Obama’s invoking the Aflac defense!

As anyone watching a TV would know
The firm known as “Aflac” pays millions to show
commercials that feature a white-feathered fowl
That quacks so annoyingly spectators howl
To change the darned channel or lower the sound –
But these ads and Barack are essentially bound….

‘Cause meantime nuke weapons are flourishing widely –
As Barack makes like Nero and fiddles so idly.
Those talks that were planned for disarming Iran?
They’re not very likely since Mullahs began
To beat those protesting against the election,
And The One has, at last, backed the failed insurrection.

Now insane Kim Jong Il’s pointing weapon-tipped rockets
to blackmail the West and to line his own pockets
while spreading his nuclear caches abroad,
where Middle East terrorists loudly applaud
Barack’s taking Israel firmly to task --
It’s exactly what groups like Hamas would’ve asked!

“Now Muse,” you might think, “this is quite a big stretch --
This Aflac-Obama link -- just to kvetch!”
But hear what we say, and you’ll see what we mean:
Barack’s foreign policy-making machine
Is committed to “talking” and, therefore, inaction;
(To these nuclear renegades’ great satisfaction!)
Now the mascot for Aflac gets into the action,
‘cause “Duck!” is Barack’s sole remaining reaction!

"Dear Big Government: Thanks for the Car!"

2009-06-26T17:44:00.004-05:00

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

Dear Big Government,

You did it again! I can hardly believe it!
Or did I hear incorrectly, perhaps misconceive it?
Is it really the truth that midst all your largesse
You'll help us resolve all our auto distress
By giving us thousands for making new deals
To put us in high-class and flashy new wheels?

Your immense generosity makes us so thankful
We’ll whisper “Barack” when we buy every tankful
Which we won’t do so often since all our new rides
Are small and efficient and green-ish, besides.
Since our mileage-per-gallon is higher than ever
We can grab our new cars and go driving forever!

I want you to know, while I’m grateful a lot,
I’m recalling the loan that I recently got
from that lender that sounds like it's somebody’s granny --
what’s the name? Can’t remember…it’s something like “Fannie”…

But that loan didn’t go the way anyone planned;
Who’da thought that some big shot would make a demand
That I make monthly payments or lose the darned house?
This caused quite a row between me and the spouse!

So I’m sure for my car I’ll get nice, easy credit
(my personal statement I’m willing to edit)
and you’ll give me protection from frivolous troubles
Like having to pay for insurance that doubles,
Or personal property tax that’s increased
Once my clunker’s recorded as being deceased.

You’re the greatest Big Government ever in history!
(Though how you afford all these gifts is a mystery)
and soon for good health we can all rest assured --
through government programs we’ll all be insured!

But I think what’s your greatest commendable trait
Is you’re equally kind to the small and the great:
You got GM and Chrysler and banks who await
Your wisdom - and cash - that will set them all straight.
When we’re all so dependent on you for our fate,
There’s no end to the empire you’re gonna create!

Yours truly,
A fan of Barack’s welfare state!

CSI: OBAMA

2009-06-18T20:06:00.001-05:00

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.”
The “Miranda” Warning

© 2009, by The Conservative Muse

Let’s say that we’ve captured a terrorist schmuck
In lawless Afghanistan, running amok
With knowledge of plans to destroy U. S. cities
As drawn by Osama’s Al Qaeda committees.
‘Gainst this high value captive we can’t be too violent:
In fact, we’ll present him his rights to be silent!

Thanks to deep Gitmo guilt and far left propaganda,
We’re reading Jihadists their rights of Miranda!
No waterboard treatment for these special guys:
We’ll get’em attorneys and let them devise
A defense meant to show all our worldwide detractors,
Since Barack’s been elected, we’re not such bad actors!

Such policies render The Muse almost mute
(Elating those people of leftist pursuit)
but we know of what Democrats surely are dreaming:
with their buddies, the trial attorneys, they’re scheming
to strengthen their dicey, unholy alliance
by creating a bottomless source of new clients.

Our Great Leader had told “60 Minutes” this spring
Miranda for terrorists wasn’t a thing
That’s likely to happen, and which he’d condemn --
The same thing he said about running GM!
It’s clear just how deep The One’s mercy doth run
Now that Uighurs stroll free in Bermuda’s warm sun!

If Barack watches cop shows that run on TV
His favorite moments would certainly be
When police catch their man, put their ‘cuffs on his hands,
Then pause to make sure that the perp understands
How to game our court system with brazen demands –
And be just like those thugs from al-Qaeda-filled lands!

Now Playing: Obama's World of Magic!

2009-06-11T11:13:00.005-05:00

© 2009, The Conservative Muse

We all were amazed when Obama the Great
Made claim after claim of the things he’d set straight
Once elected to office and wielding his power;
Now we gasp as his ego inflates by the hour.
To his self-described talents we’d make an addition:
Like Siegfried or Roy, he’s a master magician!

Take Barack’s speech in Cairo, ‘midst wild Arab cheer,
When The One made all “terrorists” – poof! – disappear!
…oh, wait just a minute… now what’s that you say?
It’s not that they’re gone, he’s just got a new way
Of describing those people who wish us all dead
‘cause to call them all “terrorists” makes them see red?

Oops, sorry! Instead we’ll try this on for size:
While vowing to save us from fiscal demise
And protect us from restlessly unemployed mobs,
He’s “saving” us hundreds of thousands of jobs.
…Ok, you’re now thinking: it’s more of the same…
Since it can’t be disproved it’s a spurious claim.

Then here’s some nice magic that can’t be disputed:
We know that for decades Old Europe’s been rooted
In socialist programs of nanny state caring;
But recent election results are declaring
A staggering shift from the left to the right;
Barack’s economics have caused such a fright
That lefties in Europe are going ballistic;
What a feat! The One’s scaring them capitalistic!

Barack’s Magic Show has extended its run;
For big government types it’s a whole lot of fun!
With federal bailouts in massive profusion,
and car manufacturers mired in confusion
and socialized health care now out of seclusion,
His leadership “skill” is his greatest illusion!

The (Taxed) Wages of Sin

2009-06-02T14:08:00.008-05:00

It’s a liberal tactic to sound an alarm

Over every small thing that can do us some harm.

While environment hazards might cause us to fret,

Our human activity poses a threat

To society’s general health and well-being;

our protection and safety needs full guaranteeing.

We look to Obama, our heavenly savior,

For modification of faulty behavior.

We smoke and we drink and we drive too big cars;

Our Great Leader will help us by naming new czars

Of bureaus controlling our self-ish destruction

to yield significant hazard reduction.

To make us take action to save our own skins,

They’ll levy huge taxes on all of our sins.

Now they’re targeting soft drinks that make us obese,

But there’re other behaviors they need to police:

Emergency hospital beds are oft filled

With the wounded whose blood has been painfully spilled

In ballparks, on bikes, perhaps basketball courts;

To cover these costs let’s go tax all our sports!

Is anything worse for a guy’s mental health

Than watching the markets destroying his wealth?

Let’s exact trading fees for a program that pays

For Xanax prescriptions and loony bin stays!

Teen sex is a risky activity needing

Some funds for our government’s wise interceding.

We’d ask that the kids, while they’re fondling with glee,

Use a chastity belt that takes quarters to free.

Since we think Global Warming’s an imminent curse

Our carbon-filled breathing is making things worse.

There must be a way we can gauge exhalation

And charge those abusing their oxygenation.

Barack and his friends have insatiable drives

to meddle intensely in all of our lives.

We know from what doctrine the "sin tax" derives:

A Lib's in Nirvana when socialism thrives.