The Dirtay Thirtay

The Biggest Loser -- Vicky Blows

2008-12-02T21:10:00.003-05:00

Okay people, I heart the Biggest Loser. I love it so much, that the fact that one of my old roommates used to bash the contestants while sitting eating a tub of ice cream pissed me off so much that I moved out of our apartment. However, I hate one of this year's contestants and apparently I'm not the only one.

Yahoo picked up on the fact that Vicky is evil and not in the ridiculous over the top Onmarosa way, but in a true asshole way. In fact, with closer examination the Biggest Loser Fan Forums and blogs are riddled with comments such as this one:

Vicki RAGE: I want to take that quadruple chin of Vicki's and shove it down her Cabbage Patch smirk while having 10 surgeons perform liposuction while she's awake.
November 20, 11:55 PM

I love it because I feel the same way. However, here is what I am shocked by...how can you possibly compare Vicky Volcan to a Cabbage Patch Kid when she so clearly looks like the troll mother from Fraggle Rock. Duh.

Vicky...a cabbage patch kid or...

The Mother Gorg?

What do you think?

More ways to make Thanksgiving "less awkward"

2008-11-30T22:11:00.002-05:00

Use an electric carving knife and then make stupid jokes. It works.

A Very Special Dirtay Thirtay Thanksgiving Reunion

2008-11-28T16:27:00.005-05:00

If you don't know me, you don't know that for the past 12 years my parents have been divorced. Therefore, Thanksgiving throughout my twenties was always a case of where to go, what to eat and who to eat with. It was never easy, it was never quite "fun" and there was ALWAYS too much food, not enough booze and enough tension to cut the pecan pie with. Well my friends, this year my parents both decided to date -- each other. So Thanksgiving this year was not only a celebration of pilgrims, turkeys and thankfullness but also a reunion of sort dinner for the first time in 12 years with mom and dad together! My friend said "I don't think I've ever heard of that. Sounds kind of awesome." so that is why I decided to present "A Very Special Dirtay Thirtay Thanksgiving Reunion" or "Ways to make Thanksgiving with your divorced parents who are dating one another less awkward" for those of you who care...

1. Purchase Nintendo Wii:If you haven't heard, Wii is fun for the whole family and is one of the most coveted items on many people's holiday lists. More importantly, when you are all at a loss for words or don't want to say "Damn this is f'ed up, being together for the holidays as if the past 12 years never happened!" you can hit virtual tennis balls at the mii version of your family members instead!

2. Buy Rock Band 2 for abovementioned Wii: Again, nothing cuts awkward silence like a family formed Rock Band. We were aptly named "Kolods" and my dad was so annoyed with my mom and I's inability to "rock" that he walked out on the band. Who has time to think about real family tension when there is "Behind the Music" level D-R-A-M-A?!?

3. Drink(booze): This year my mom told my dad to make sure there was booze in the house. This was new for us as a "reconciled family" since 12 years ago I was too young to drink and I had to sneak Zima in my room to keep things interesting. Guess who got drunk this year? Surprisingly it was not me, it was my mom and it only took 1/3 of a glass of wine to do it.

4. Have a Baby!: No, no I did not have a baby. But my cousin did and boy we talked about little Hannah Amelie Shapiro A LOT...including me fighting my mother about the pronunciation of the baby's name. For the record, Hannah is pronounced with an "H" not a "CH" which my mom insisted on adding as if the baby was a "Challah" and not a "Hollaaaa".

5. Make a 17 lb turkey for 4 people: When you decide to cook a HUGE turkey for 4 people, one of who is vegetarian, you will undoubtedly end up talking about it a lot. In fact, the awkwardness of having such a LARGE amount of turkey meat becomes central to everything and the current family tension either transfers to tension over who is allowed to take turkey leftovers home with them (Lora was not allowed because she is vegetarian and there would not be enough for Linda...what?), tension over people interrupting one another in mid sentence in order to proclaim how tender and moist the turkey is and finally tension over the awkward statement "I haven't cooked a turkey this good since we were MARRIED." See, turkeys create new and more interesting levels of tension. LOVE IT.

So, the Dirtay Thirtay Holiday season has just begun! Stay tuned for more from the dirtay frontlines. 30 never looked so dysfunctional!

Dirtay Mo's

2008-11-22T19:22:00.004-05:00

Last night was the Movember Gala Parte - the culmination of a month long charity drive where men grow moustaches to raise funds and awareness for Prostate Cancer and literally "Change the Face of Men's Health". The Dirtay Thirtay was on site to participate in the madness along with the Playboy New York team who went dressed as MO-lympians.

NYC Fashion Week

2008-09-05T01:29:00.003-04:00

Well Kids, it has bee a loooong time indeed since the last time I blogged but there have been some requests of late to spark this back up and well, I have to admit, I sort of miss the old gal. SO, since it's fashion week and I am good at spotting celebs I thought I should perhaps write about some recent sightings and some of my faboolous SATC like life. LIfe in the dirtay thirtay.

So -- tonight at the GenArt Fashion Show I saw the hostess Shannon Doherty up close and personal. She looked fab...much better than on the new Bev niner. Unfortunately, I did not have a camera so...this is anti-climactic. Mal -- my current roommate and member of Your Vegas, saw Jamie Lynn Spears this evening who he swore might have been giving him "the eyes". Pussy Cat Dolls were apparently super hot and super bad singers (I coulda told you that though before).

Other spottings this week include Haley Joel Osment at the Equinox Gym at Greenwich Avenue -- this clearly was not part of Fashion Week, but he was fashionable for the gym. He is also short and has a bubble butt - FYI. Katie Holmes was spotted coming out of the theater on Minetta Lane across the street from me (no Suri, no Tom, again no photo either) AND it turns out that Kevin from "The Real World Back to NY" lives next door to me. FINALLY, I also accosted the winner of Top Chef the other night and told her I cried when she won. I am not proud.

That's all...it's been a busy week. Lucky for you there's lots to talk about since I have been silent for oh so long.

xoxo

Gossip Girl (oh wait, I mean Dirtay Girl)

More to come...believe me there is lots to say

An open letter to Diddy

2008-04-07T00:14:00.004-04:00

Dear Diddy:

You have been on my mind lately and I have so much that I want to say to you right now, so many things that just cannot be left unsaid. If there is one thing that I have learned from reality TV i.e. The Biggest Loser, it's that it's okay to express yourself and even cry. So tonight Diddy, I am expressing my feelings to you and will possiby shed some tears along the way.

You came into my world almost ten years ago, when I was in college and I sang "Mo' Money Mo' Problems" to the bums that came around to collect empty beer cans (Natty Light) off of our porch. I loved your rendition of "Every Breath You Take" aptly named "I'll be Missing You" and your "collabos with almost everyone under the sun. When you ran the NYC marathon and launched your "Diddy Runs the City" campaign, I cheered for you! I didn't even question J.Lo's choice of clothes when she was by your side even though some outfits included the half shirt, track pants and bandana combo. You made her look gooooooood! I called you Puffy, Puff Daddy and Sean Puffy Combs, you were my boo.

But Diddy, you really started to lose me in 2005 when you dropped the "P" from P.Diddy stating "the P was getting between me and my fans." Actually, the P apparently stood for "Protection" from your the nonsensical statements that have come from your mouth consistently since then. I've built up my feelings about this for too long for me to touch on all of my issues with you, so I will only discuss the most important ones here.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SHOUT WHEN YOU'RE ADDRESSING AN AUDIENCE ON CAMERA????

I think that saying the word attention five + times in this video did not motivate too many people to go out and vote I also don't think raising your voice helped either.

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE ALL UP IN DANITY KANE'S GRILL??

Diddy, I know you produced Danity Kane. Wanna know how I know? I watched Making the Band 1-4. I watched Aubrie go from hot to a fine hot mess, I watched Dawn and Q fall in love and I watched you bond with them all on a yacht. I loved every moment except for your cameos on that show when you shouted at the camera (see above). Your news announcements sucked...in fact I fast forwarded those on my DVR (cruel isn't it?).

Diddy, what I'm about to say might upset you: I don't need you to "appear" in Danity Kane's video or "rap" on their songs, I like them for who they are. In fact you make them not cool. I mean Damaged is the best song ever...until you come on and say this:

"It's that type of pain that you feel deep inside. It's the type of pain that'll make you pray. This too shall pass. Sometimes you go through the pain to experience the joy. This too shall pass. Danity Kane. Stereotypes. This too shall pass."

Diddy...seriously....what does that even mean? Why did you toss the Danity Kane name in there followed by the word stereotypes? Stereotypes about girl bands? Stereotypes about pain? Stereotypes about stereotypes? I am so confused and pissed. You practically ruined the song. Thanks.

I have some other problems with some of your recent choices. One is your description of your style in Blender magazine "Swagger. Timeless. Diverse." Um, I'm pretty sure this picture is real and that shirt is actually something you designed and are sellng (I blame dumb ass Americans for that):

Don't even get me started on your pushing of the phrase "Bitch Assness". Listen, some things can be pushed together like "crazy" and "awesome" (crawesome!) but "Bitch Ass" alone is a lame descriptor and then add a "ness" and you're encouraging people to be major D-bags. Serio dude. Drop that.

Diddy, I also want you to know something. It's about this Ciroc commercial:

"Vokka" is actually not a word. It's actually pronounced "vodka". That said, the Ciroc commercial for New Year's Eve is the best thing you have ever done for me and my friends. Thank you for that.

Diddy, you know I got nothin' but love for you. Let's high five and blow it up over a bottle of Ciroc.

xxoo,

The Dirtay Thirtay

Introducing Suh-Weet Sundays

2008-03-30T00:47:00.011-04:00

So, it's no secret that I am a sucker for marketing schemes, new products, clever campaigns etc... I remember when I was in second or third grade we got to make these oversized replicas of various consumer products like Wrigley's spearmint gum and Windex bottle and i LOVED it. In fifth grade my friends and I were Q-tips for halloween (weird, I know but we did win a prize for it) and years later we dressed up as a Happy Meal. I guess it's no surprise that my career thus far has been in product and brand devlopment. Since I realize most people don't share my enthusiasm for marketing campaigns, products, or perhaps my patience for finding cool stuff I have decided to start "Suh-weet Sundays" where I tell you what is "cool" (cause don't you know? I am the coolest!).

So...today I am pointing out a few things that have caught my eye this week. The first being The Cleanstick Tide campaign which has been around for a while, BUT I just discovered the cool online extension of it. If you haven't seen the commercial I have included a special version of it starring me below (you can do this for yourself at the My Talking Stain website). Yes folks, this is how I spent Saturday night and I think it's hilarious and I'm well aware that I am on a one way trip to Loserville.

Okay, the second thing that I am LOVING this week is Clinique's after-sun rescue balm or "baume reparateur apres soleil" as the French call it.

Let's just say I got a little over zealous with the tanning in Cabo and on the last day, minutes before leaving I felt my chest actually bubbling. This is not a good thing, ESPECIALLY when you're 30 and FREAKING out about possible wrinkles and skin cancer and infertility and years of being alone...kidding, but bubbling skin = not good. Anyway, I applied some of this magical lotion and my chest was saved from turning into leather and/or peeling like a snake. It smells a bit medicinal, yet soothing. I give it two stubby thumbs up! And dare I say, it's the "BALM"!

Finally, I am completely intrugued by Burger King's newest product "Cheesy Tots". Honestly, how could you not be? Tater tots filled with cheddar cheese served up hot with your morning breakfast? FIrst they're crispy, then they're gooey? Once again, The King knows what he's doing. When I googled "Cheesy Tots" I discovered from Jim McKee's blog that these suckers actually existed once before in 2006 and were suddenly yanked from the BK menus! Well, Jim McKee must be extremely happy to have them back. Although I am intrigued, not sure I will be indulging anytime soon. Here are the nutritional facts:

Cheesy tots 6 piece: 210 calories, 12 grams of fat, 650 grams of sodium (YIKES!). The only redeeming quality is that they have only 1 gram of sugar and 7 grams of protein! Still, who can only eat 6 when there are 9 and 12 on the menu? That's why I will stay away. Unless I'm in the Cabo airport...which is where I eat Burger King. Unless of course someone wants to go...

Well folks, I hope you enjoyed my obsession with products and ad campaigns that pull at my heart strings and my stomach. More to come next week on "Suh-weet Sundays". Now I must go VAW.

The Playboy Spring Breakdown

2008-03-27T23:00:00.003-04:00

So, the month of March is almost over and I have returned from all of my travels in one piece. I still have a deep "porn voice" going on since Cabo happens to be the dryest place on earth and I spent the past week screaming over loud music for about 8hours a day. But enough about that...let's discuss wha it's like going on College Spring Break twice (maybe three times if you count SXSW as hipster Spring Break)when you're 30. Pre-tty rad.

Here are some things that I have learned:

1. There is something to be said for "all-inclusive". Free drinks all day long? Breakfast buffets? Bring it on. It's also interesting to see how everyone takes advantage of this Spring Break feature.

For example, I'm not into doing tequila shots at 9AM but apparently a lot of college kids are. They are also into playing beer pong in the strong sun with all the free beer. They also repetedly asked the waiters and waitresses for "Ranch Dressing" and jello shots. Gross. I on the other hand was 100% classy, sipping on a frozen drink called a "Miami Vice" -- it doesn't get fuitier than that ( literally, it's half pina colada and half strawberry daquiri) and usually waiting until 10 AM to do this. James T. also rocked the Miami Vice all week long drinking 7 in two hours on a sunset whale watch. He's 32.

College kids and us "adults" all enjoyed the "7-24" late night snacking, so at least that's universal.

Here is James enjoying a hot dog dipped in Nacho cheese.

2. I don't get wet t-shirt contests. Honestly, I understand that they should be hot, but the people who were competing were kinda nasty and the people watching were even worse.

Although this guy makes me want to grab his stomach and ask when he's due, he takes away any interest I may have had in competing in a wet t-shirt contest. Thank you gross guy.

3. Dancing to cheesy ass music is awesome.

4. Name tag parties are also awesome. Dare I say...Crawesome.

Chris V LOVED the nametag party....

5. Always wear SPF even if you think you can "handle" the sun. Just ask Chris B from the Beasts of Eden.

6. Always rock a black "plastic/paper" jacket and dance like Michael Jackson when the opportunity presents itself.

Just in case you're wondering, that's the symbol for "midwest" which is where Michael J is from.

7. In Mexico, 15 minutes actually means 150 minutes. It's like translating dollars to pesos.

8. College girls are hotter/more desirable than college boys. Sucked for me, was great for all of the guys I spent the past two weeks with.

9. Here's one from SXSW and I knew this already, but hipsters need to think about the fact that even if they are into "indie music" they don't HAVE to rock the skinny jeans. Sometimes your body isn't meant to wear those. Just leave it alone. Also, please don't ever wear this shirt...even if you think it's ironic:

I'm not sure which is more annoying. The shirt with rats bopping, or the girl holding the "Brooklyn" with NY Yankees symbol behind her, or the high waist jean shorts...

10. Contrary to popular belief, not everybody on Spring Break (College or hipster) is DTF.

But Charlie is :)

Honestly, there's so much I could say about Playboy Spring Break..but I'm too tired from three weeks of constant "partying".
If you want more details, I would check out Chris' blog or my flickr account that has a TON of photos for your viewing pleasure.

Surviving March 2008 -- PART I

2008-03-16T22:59:00.009-04:00

Well kids -- I know that it's been a long time since I last blogged. BUT if you know me, you know it's because I have been so busy I can't even tell you what my name is on a good day. This has to do with the fact that it has been Playboy Spring Break 2008 and Rock the Rabbit at SXSW this month -- a.k.a the ultimate test of the "dirtay thirtay" and my ability to hang while maintaining a level of professionalism. You will be pleased to know, that not only can I still hang, but I can do it with flair and finely honed dance skills that can take me from the trenches of Spring Break (SQUID ROE!) to the mean hipster streets of Austin TX during SXSW. The only thing that didn't really survive the past ten days was my voice -- but who needs to talk when you can sign? (not really, but I do have a blackberry and dance moves that can tell a story about using a lint brush in a grocery store)

So, I made it to Mexico in one piece...brand new inflexible passport in hand. The first day was spent "getting aquainted" with my surroundings and co-workers. This included taking invenory of shipments that were sent to our attention (obviously everything we didn't need made it, and the stuff we needed was stuck in customs...duh.), eating the first all-inclusive meal, taking a shower with no water pressure and exploring the "7-24" a little room that served satisfying foods such as stale nachos with cold melted cheese and hot dogs that had clearly been sitting out for at least 10 hours. We hit the streets for Chris's birthday that night and somehow my co-worker Brian and I ended up hopping into a van with a bunch of virtual strangers and heading to Squid Roe, the ultimate Spring Breaker bar/club complete with Yard glasses and dancing on tables and people licking each other's faces. I am pretty positive Brian and I beat out Chris and Charlie for latest night. BOOM! 30 wins.

Anyway, I can't go over every minute of Spring Break, you would be bored. But some highlights like wet t-shirt contests,interviews with our college rep Willem, The Playboy Miss Mobile competition (which was an adventure in an of itself)and performances by David Sides (YouTube star and AWESOME guy) and of course Your Vegas (more about them later) can be seen on Playboy U. I'll post pics later...But for now, here's a video of Your Vegas playing pool side. Note how hungover they are, they are laughing at one point, probably thinking about finding Jon the night before dipping stale hot dog buns into a pot of Nacho cheese...by himself. Amazing:

Find more videos like this on Playboy U

30 does not equal adult

2008-02-29T00:49:00.003-05:00

Hello kids,

It's been a long while. Sorry bout it...let's just move on and not make any excuses. I kinda suck at blogging. Deal.

So, part of this journey into the dirty thirties is dscovering if I have really reached the level of maturity and responsible-ness that defines being "30". Today, I came to the realization that although in dog years I may be 210, in this lifetime I can still act like a 16 year old who needs her dad to tell her what to do and bail her out of a sticky situation. Thus the title "30 does not = adult"

Long story short, next week I am leaving to go on a "business trip" to Playboy Spring Break. If you want to see what it's all about you should check out Chris Duncan's blog .
We are going to Mexico. Therefore, I need a passport, which I have BUT it is about to expire in April. I'm gonna go ahead and say about two months ago my lovely friend Kaki poo poo told me to check and see if Mexico will let you cross the border with a passport that has less than 6 months left on it. "Whatever," I thought to myself "I've got stuff to do like watch The Biggest Loser and make fun of people who work for Maxim". That was stupid. Turns out I do need 6 months on my passport and now with 7 days until PSB I am royally scuh-rewed...which of course I only realized because Bob Kolodny (my dad) asked me about it last night and wrote down on a piece of paper that I should do the following:

1. Google "Passport Expeditors"
2. Call the US Passport agency. ASk them what the process is to renew an American passport and then ask for an appointment in NY or CT

Literally, step by step instructions. (see scan)

Well, I took his advice and talk to some ass in the passport office only to find out that I needed a Birth Certificate to get a new passport...who has their own birth certificate on hand????!!! Not me. SO, I panicked and called the dadski who was in CT and could not tell me if my birth certificate was readily available because that would be in New Hampshire. I was trying not to panic, but secretly I was. Why do I leave things until the last minute? I think I like to stress myself out, but that's another story. Anyhoo -- turns out Dad had the proof of my existence and actually raced to New Hampshire to ease my mind (best dad ever!) and I will get my NEWER AND BETTER passport in some crappy office on Wednesday...and hopefully will make it to Cabo to toast Chris' 24th birthday with Charlie and Jimmy and a bunch of Mexicans.

What is the point of this story? Well, it's that I may cook my own dinners and pay my own bills, I can run a college marketing department and have client meetings, but it turns out my dad is still saving my ass at the ripe old age of 30. Sorry Dad, someday I will buy you a steak dinner to make up for it.

Another Playboy Super Saturday Night and I ain't got nobody...

2008-02-05T00:41:00.000-05:00

This past weekend marked a monumental event for me...the popping of my "Super Saturday Night" cherry. It was to say the very least -- everything I had hoped for and more.

In case some of you are unsure as to what Super Saturday Night is (i.e. you don't drink the Playboy juice), it is the annual party that Playboy throws the evening before Super Bowl. Over the years, an event that began as a simple bar party has grown to a large scale production complete with celebrity hosts, dozens of Playmates and a pretty good looking crowd. There were definitely some skanks and some old dudes, but Phoenix + Playboy + football = inevitable.

The day began at 8 am with a lovely breakfast at the hotel and a car ride with the Events Director to the party venue. The venue was appropriately called Rawhide and I think is usually a place where people go to watch rodeos. Needless to say, as I was carrying boxes from one of our cars I noticed a goat running towards me. The goat was soon joined by a couple of other goats...Traci was talking to them while I was cowering in a corner (apparently my fear of goats is almost as bad as my fear of flocks of birds). It turned out the goat was just "Billy Joe" and he lived there. We didn't see him again although we did see Chris release his "inner goat".

The day "flew" by in a series of tasks such as placing decals on umbrellas, setting up dancer's costumes on clothing racks and sitting in a car checking people into the party and directing them to park in the wrong place (oops!). I heard some woman's life story including details on her wedding, the cost of her upgraded ring from Zales and the birth of her 3rd child. This brought me to dinner and then makeup/hair time. I think I might have ended up looking a little bit like a tranny (see below), but it's cool.

So...12 hours after arriving at the venue (!) the doors open and I was there to take tickets and break some balls. No one likes to be the person at the door...mostly because people are assholes and it's cold. However, I was entertained and also confused: Why do some people think that wearing a piece of spandex qualifies as "sleek and sexy"? Why do some ladies think that wearing Doc Martens and slacks is appropriate for a Playboy party? Why do people still wear Bolo ties? If I worked for Go Fug Yourself, I might have had a heart attack...however, there were many good looking people to balance out the riff raff such as Alyssa Milano and Tony Danza...I mean Nick Cannon:

Hef and The Girls Next Door came to the party and I got to give Bridget a hug. I also got to dance with Miss. May 2007 Shannon James and of course Charlie, who is the master of the dance. I saw Kevin Dillon and Common from afar, I heard Audrina and LC on the mic but was blocked by some 7' tall man and couldn't see them. At some point I decided that I needed to drink Red Bull to keep going...UM, if you've ever seen me on coffee...this is like coffee x 1000. Amazing.

Needless to say at the end of the night (4AM), I was still hyped up and pretty psyched about packing boxes. I am pretty sure the most ridiculous portion of the evening was trying to shove an enormous umbrella into a skinny box and telling my co-worker Stephen to "push harder" and "get it in fast". ahhhhh....getting my V-card punched was just soooooo amazing.

p.s. I definitely kept it real with all of the 20 something's this evening...thank you Red Bull. My only regret is that I couldn't mix you with the Ciroc that was on-hand...FO REALS, it was the official VOKA of SUPER SATURDAY NIGHT and therefore of PUNCHING MY SSN V-CARD!

Enormous shlong has much more advantages.

2008-01-30T12:47:00.000-05:00

This just in! According to my Spam filter, if you are single and don't have someone by your side....and you're a dude, this might be why!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your girl shack up with your friend that's why you are alone.

His instrument is bigger than yours and this is the main reason of leave.

Lengthen your instrument and you will be popular among girls promptly.

Increase your machine length and you'll forget about problems sure enough.

So guys, basically you need to grow a longer penis to solve all of your problems and be popular among girls! Not to mention the gym bathrooms.

I mean I can't even tell you the amount of times I have left my boyfriend for his best friend JUST BECAUSE the best friend had an "enormous schlong". Probably like 7 times. Thank god someone has taken notice. THANK GOD FOR SPAM!!!!!!!!!!! This has been brought to you by Ciroc -- the official voka of enormous schlongs.

Valentime's Day

2008-01-30T12:15:00.000-05:00

Well people...it's that time of year again. The time of year for conversation hearts, pink M+M's, flowers and annoying radio commercials. It's Valentime's Day!

If you're not lucky enough to have someone you engage in role play, or haven't had the chance to pick up a Russian hooker to spend the night with then you might be depressed OR you might be in a FUNCTIONAL relationship. If the latter is the case, may I be so bold as to make some suggestions?

1. Flowers and chocolates are the "I couldn't really think of anything to get you so I got you this..." gift. But if you're pressed for time or feeling un-inspired, or just wanna "get some" they may work well for you. Just please be creative and check out some alternative options. For example, Elenis makes some cute cookies which are also DELICIOUS. Martha Stewart knows her way around the garden (even better than the jail cell) so her flowers are FAR SUPERIOR to 1-800-Flowers or the corner bodega's. Also, send flowers to the office so your significant other can show them off...it makes them feel cool.

If chocolate is your thing, perhaps get jiggy with it and invest in some chocolate body paint or some unique flavored chocolate -- lavender infused perhaps? At least with these options you've upped the ante to "Hey, I might not be creative, but I TRIED. Now let's finger paint."

2. If you're broke (I'm still wondering when this will cease to be the case for me...) making something is pretty awesome. Some of my faves include a mix -- load it up with makeout music (according to my mom, this is Johnny Mathis) if that's your thing...otherwise just put some good music that makes you think of your "boo" on a disc and call it a day. With I-Tunes and Limewire etc...this is super easy. No excuses.

Make a card -- that's right; take out the markers and the lace doilies, sniff some glue and make something for your lova'. Nothing says "I heart you" like an old-school Valentine's day card.

Bake/Cook: I think the way to anyone's heart is food...unless you are crazy. Don't forget the booze. Even the most broke person knows you need booze. And kids, let's not forget Ciroc is the "Official Voka of Valentime's Day" plus it's made from grapes! YUMMY.

3. If you don't do V-Day and you're newly dating...tell the other person! THE WORST THING EVER is to think you're gonna have some romantic evening or wait all day for YOUR flower delivery and have nothing happen. It's like getting picked last for kickball...SCARRING.

I have much more to say about Valentime's day...because in 30 years, I have had many. So there is more to come my friends...however, now I need to run out and grab some pink M+M's...they just taste like looooooooooove.

The Hazing Incident - Part Dos

2008-01-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Fans,

It's time for the weekly installment of "The Hazing Incident". Sorry if I kept you waiting a long time...but they don't call it a cliff hanger for nothin'!

So, cuddle up to your keyboard and get your hot chocolate out, cause this is a tale that will truly warm your heart. So to begin where we left off...

We arrived in Miami and went directly to The Shore Club where we checked into our room which was...minimalist to say the least. The floor was "bedrock" and although the view was gorgeous...I quickly determined that the rooms had been created with the hopes that no one would actually want to stay inside but would go downstairs to party by the pool, drink $15 cocktails and eat $27 plates of crudite (yes we did all of the above and more...). Luckily for us, Friday was a beautiful day. Unlucky for us the a**hole pool boy didn't tell us that our seats would be in the shade for the ENTIRE day. I am pretty sure Traci almost killed me for complaining about the shade...but finally we figured it out and moved to the beach which was NOT filled with hot guys, but rather a group of loud women who were getting pedicures at their chairs...oh and one of them was doing so topless. When two "cute" dudes did show up to sit next to us, I had to listen to them talking about this woman's tits (their words) and how they wished her friend would rip her shirt off. I say, get a Playboy and call it a day.

Anyhoo -- Friday night was the "official celebration of my 30th birthday" and man oh man, Becky and Traci really mean it when they say something's official (see "Ciroc" and "Chris Duncan"). We went to dinner -- food was good, drinks were also good. After dinner we are about four drinks into the evening and decide it is time to go to Glass a "happening club" that Traci has gotten us hooked up at with bottle service. Of course our first question was "Do they have Ciroc?" which if you haven't heard is "The Official voka" of everything (and no, that's not misspelled...it's VOKA). Luckily they did, but our free bottle was actually of Grey Goose. Here's the deal: when you are four drinks in and someone says, "here's a free bottle of The Goose which usually costs $400" you say "Sweet, let's drink ALL of it...in under two hours." Or at least, that's what we said. And this is where stuff gets sort of blurry. I know there was soda brought to the table (who needs a hangover from the fruit juice??). I also know there was a couple sitting next to us who bought their own bottle and the woman had a butterfly clip in her hair. I also know the AC was unnecessarily blasting...but the pictures below will show you everything else that happened: The Hazing Incident.

Apparently I forced both Becky and Traci to chug out of the vodka bottle (NOTE: only voka when referring to Ciroc), Becky forced me to eat cake which was given to us by another birthday party (it could have been roofied!), the people next to us gave us their bottle of vodka and I hugged them as if I never made fun of the butterfly hairclip AND apparently in an unprecedented hazing tactic, I was FORCED to dance like a 45 year old woman and not the 30 year old Godd-ess I am.

Once this first portion of the evening was over we somehow ended up back at the Shore Club where I can't really reveal the activities that went on because as you know, Hazing is illegal and frowned upon by society. But it involved Goldfish Crackers and a crack...When that was over, Becky and I headed downstairs to keep on drinking. Ahhhh...so necessary.

If you want to find out what happened next, you'll have to wait until next week's installment of "The Hazing Incident". It's like Lost but less confusing and mysterious.

Remember folks....

Celebrities In the Heart of Texas

2008-01-27T12:22:00.000-05:00

So this past week as Chris and Charlie were working on reruiting 1000 girls to get to our Super Saturday Night party I was traveling to Austin Texas to meet with C3, the company we are working with to throw our Rock the Rabbit event at SXSW (that's South by Southwest for those of you who don't know the abbreviation). The flight down was lovely (JetBlue!) and in fact, the airport service was impeccable so I take back my comment about everyone working in an airport being an asshole. I learned two things on the trip down: 1. Donald Trump Jr flies Jet Blue 2. The Heart is the best radio station on XM Satellite radio (I plan to discuss at length in the future)

When we arrived in Austin it was freezing cold (BOO!) but we got to eat at Las Menitas which made up for it. Then we checked out the site for the party which is right in the heart of downtown Austin. I can't tell you where it is quite yet, ut just know it is Da Bomb. So, we hit up the C3 offices next and much to my disappointment we had just missed Lance Armstrong. However, much to my appointment (is that the opposite of disappointment???) Perry Farrell was in the office meeting about Lollapalooza!!!!! I was so excited...I had to hold myself back from telling him that I probably sold about 500 Porno for Pyros albums in 1994...I had to restrain the urge to sing Jane Says or put a stocking on my head and re-enact the video for 'Been Caught Stealing'. So, i was starstruck and then it was time to get Happy Hour cocktails at the 4 Seasons where apparently Justin Timberlake was staying! No sighting...so sad. However, we did see Miley Cyrus's tour bus and later that evening at dinner (Uchi -- a sushi place that was AWESOME. who knew Austin could serve up some mean raw fish??) I spotted Connie Britton -- the wife/mom on Friday Night Lights. Not as good as Riggins, but still I love her.

The end of the evening was spent at some new nightclub called Pangea in Austin. This was not my ideal place to go, but C3 had to entertain some people. This place was filled with go-go dancers wearing ridiculous get ups and out of town investment bankers. Howeverm the thing that annoyed me most about this club was every time they served a bottle, they put this huge sparkler device on top of it. I think it's a fire hazard AND it akes the room light up which is the exact opposite thing you want to happen in a club environment. Who wants to see that the guy they have been hitting on is actually only 5' 3" and has buck teeth? Then at some point Perry Farrell's wife's purse got stolen...and then someone else's did as well. Moral of the story: Stick to BBQ and dive bars in Austin...FO SHO.

All in all this trip was productive -- we came up with awesome plans for Rock the Rabbit at SXSW, so stay tuned for announcements and more behind the scenes looks at what we're gonna do down there. Some of it includes costumes and sandwich boards....

"The Hazing Incident" or "My 30th Birthday" -- PART I

2008-01-22T23:33:00.000-05:00

Dear all of my fans,

Sorry it has been one LONG and strenuous week since my last post. I know you have ALL been checking this dirtay website frequently and have been disappointed by my silence, but as you all know -- I am on a quest and sometimes the quest to self discovery takes a long time and therefore time away from the compter. Maybe you're wondering where I have been...well, kids, sit down on your behinds (but not Indian Style because that's not P.C.) and let me tell, no weave, you a story filled with wonder -- the story of the weekend I turned 30 OFFICIALLY and acted like I was 21...no wait, 19 and pledging a FRATERNITY (not even a sorority).

It all began with a taxi ride to JFK where Becky actually almost puked due to the driver's excessive use of the brake. We made it with plenty of time to spare -- we had a slice of pizza, I perused the magazines and then had a weird conversation with the Hudson News cashier (I think she said she liked my earrings, but when I said I got them at Urban Outfitters she looked at me like I told her my mom was Britney Spears). Seeing that we had only a half an hour until boarding time we made our way to the security line which was ridiculously slow. BUT, we weren't worried -- we were early. Long story short: next thing we know we hear our horribly mispronounced names on the loud speaker. Our flight was about to leave. Thinking that surely the security dudes would take pity on us and push us to the front of the line, we tell them our flight is about to leave. The guy says "Still gotta go through security". Now we are slightly panicking and my right armpit is actually profusely sweating (weird right?) and we ask another guy if we're going to make the flight -- the original security dude gets hostile and says "It doesn't matter who you ask, you still have to go through security". Um...thanks. Basically, it is true every person who works in an airport is an asshole and putting on knee high boots while running for a plane is dangerous. The good news is, we made it to the gate in time and onto the plane to catch the brunt of angry traveler's glares like "You're the assholes holding this bitch up". I sat in my MIDDLE SEAT (ew) and started to get psyched for Miami...the official city of my 30th Birthday.

TO BE CONTINUED...(I'm really tired and I mean, there's no TV to leave you with cliffhangers so...)

Get in shape girl!

2008-01-15T10:28:00.000-05:00

So, if you haven't heard I am going to Miami for my birthday. This means in two days I will be in a bikini. We are staying at The Shore Club so I am looking for celebs and planning to not compete with models in a bikini modeling contest. However, I CAN compete with Chris and Charlie to see who will be the "most fit" at Playboy Spring Break.

So, once a week I may "mlog" -- show you what lame lunch I'm eating (John Mayer does it! He's cool, right? RIGHT?). I might talk about my fitness routine (or lack thereof) or I might just have an expert weigh in (i.e. My mom...Hi mom!).

So here's the first stop on my journey to the beach ready body:

Last night I took powerstrike with Jonathan Sexsmith (sexy sexsmith-orama). I enjoyed the class, he called me "Girl" (in like a we 100% down kind of way) and told me I had an "excellent side kick". This is exciting for me because if you refer to his website, it says the following:

Jonathan was also an international, National, Collegiate, and State ranked black belt Olympic style Tae Kwon Do competitor, amateur boxer, and judo athlete.

This means that I can chill with "Olympic Style Tae Kwan Do" competitors, NO PROBLEM....not to mention that he is a soap star. Anyway, I also took his abs class. Then I woke up this morning and did Spinning. The result? My hinges hurt. I am tired and thirsty...but hopefully one step closer to being "spring break ready".

30 vs. 20: This is where we find out what age is better by assigning points to said year.

30: Now that I'm close to being 30 I can afford a nice gym that gives me access to crazy-awesome (Crawesome) classes and teachers -- not crazy hippy (crippy) teachers like the ones at the YMCA in Michigan (1 Kolods point for 30)

20: Now that I am not 20 I cannot eat whatever I want and still lose weight. FUCK. (2 kolods points for 20)

So far 20's winning. Eating crap is cooler than working out.

Is thirty really dirty?

2008-01-14T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if 30 is really dirty (or dirtay because dirtythirty.com is some sort of porn-ish site) because I still have ONE MORE WEEK left of my 20's. That said, I'm not really sad about leaving my 20's behind (we won't get into it here...). I'm more interested in finding out the following:

1. Is 30 really the new 20?

2. Can I keep up with Charlie and Chris, my crazy College Marketing cohorts?

3. Will someone ever discover a cure for hangovers? Will the heat in my office ever be turned down? Will Ryan Seacrest stop? Is my 2008 horoscope accurate?

I'm not sure what this year will hold, but I'll blog about it anyway. Cause I am gonna prove that I can keep up with Chris and Charlie (duh) and will surely find that 30 is the new 20...or more importantly that it's dirtay in a good way.

In the meantime, here's a picture of me before I could even hold my head up. I was kinda cute, but I am more into my dad's amazing moustache, my mom's hair and the 70's couch in the background.