Ill Communication

American Music Awards

2008-11-23T19:38:00.000-06:00

--Christina Aquilera. Sucked! She didn't really sing. She screeched while bending over and squeezing her eyes shut.

--NKOTB. Donnie, Donnie, Donnie. Did you see him shaking his pelvis in my face? Oh and news flash--Jordan has not gone through puberty yet. Did you hear that falsetto?

--Scott Weiland introducting Pink. Still clearly on the drugs.

--Pink. Great song and performance. But the outfit was out of place. Stop trying to convince me you are a girl. Just rock it with your cock out!

--Taylor Swift. The performance would have been better if pictures of Joe Jonas were played on the screens behind her while she sang.

--NeYo. You are no James Bond.

--Oh! Just caught a glimpse of Kanye. That bitch didn't even bother to dress up. Or match. He is wearing a camo hat and bright blue and red arm striped zip sweatshirt!

--UH, you are not going to ever be Elvis or the Beatles Kanye! Give it up!

--Leona Lewis. Blah! That is what I think whenever I see her. Blah. No excitement. I mean, she tried with that crappy falsetto at the end but still BLAH!

--Miley Cyrus. I don't know what the hell that was. It was a spectacle. I can't see how anyone other than pre-teens are into that.

--Coldplay. Don't crucify me. That sucked ass!

--Mariah Carey. I just threw up! Nick had no reason to be up on that stage! Does everyone but Mariah know that he is just using her for money and fame?

--Rhianna. What the hell is she wearing? Looks like a big napkin. Did you see how she gave Chris Brown her purse to hold? It's official--he is her bitch!

--The Fray. What in the hell was that? The lead singer sounded like crap.

--I like Beyonce. I like the song Single Ladies. But why does she only sing half of the song? She doesn't even sing the chorus. She lets the back up singers do it instead. Why? Doesn't she know the chorus is the bread and butter?

--Jonas Brothers. What? I don't get it. They can't sing. And did you hear the falsetto every time they sang the word Tonight? What the hell? Since when is falsetto popular?

--Pussycat Dolls. How appropriate. Stripper poles. And did you hear the lead singer. She could hardly dance and sing at the same time. I kept hearing her heavy breathing in the mic. Very distracting.

--Since when is Ali Landry even relevant or fashion savvy enough to be the fashion correspondent?

--Justin Timberlake. Who knew that he even knew who Annie Lennox was? Um. Annie was not that good to warrant that standing ovation. Um. Why did Annie get to speak and Mariah didn't? Bitch is gonna be pissed!

--Natasha Beningfield. Better than I thought.

--Rhianna. A sexy pirate? What they hell is with her get-ups?

--Kanye. I am so confused. Are you a rapper or a singer? Well, clearly you should stick to rapping. That was horrible.

--Sarah Maclaclan or however you spell it. You should have sung by yourself. Pink ruined that song for you. I like you both. Individually. Not together.

--Alicia Keys. I liked Queen Latifah. But some opera chick? She ruined your song.

Phone calls

2008-11-16T15:16:00.001-06:00

Tina, The Telemarketer Who Called Me Last Night - m4w

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Date: 2008-09-17, 1:52PM EDT

Dear Tina,

When you called me so unexpectedly at 6:00 last night, I was expecting a call from my sister and brother-in-law . I tried to explain to you that there were steaks on the grill and I had guests coming for dinner, so I really wasn't in a position to talk to you about a time-share in Vegas. You persisted. I am not the rude type, so I continued to indulge you rather than hanging up the telephone in your ear. I figure that probably happens quite often and you were only doing your job. However, I think we had a real misunderstanding and I'd like to set the record straight here.

When I asked you what you were wearing you became very defensive. I am in sales myself and I am required to wear a suit and tie to work every, single day. I simply wanted to make sure you were prepared to make a good first impression.

When I asked you what type of panties you were wearing it was because I wanted to make sure I was dealing with a "normal" person and not a pervert.

Asking you if you were masturbating when you spoke with customers was my way of checking your professionalism.

When you started making claims of sexual harassment, I was flabbergasted. There was really no need to call me names. I was also appalled that you had the audacity to hang up on me! Need I remind you that YOU called me? The least you could have done is to have been grateful that I took the time to speak to you in spite of the fact my steaks were burning.

As for the Vegas time-shares, I am very interested. How about you come over to my place, bring a couple of steaks to grill (as you kind of owe me a few steaks anyway), and we can talk more.

Clap

2008-11-03T20:56:00.000-06:00

To the older woman watching me buying condoms - m4w

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Date: 2008-10-22, 6:10PM CDT

I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonay in the condom section of the Dominick's. You were the lovely lady in her 50's peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime...

Proof you can find love anywhere!

2008-10-07T19:48:00.000-05:00

You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w

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Date: 2008-08-14, 8:58AM CDT

I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail.

Headlines

2008-07-29T19:54:00.003-05:00

First of all, I am so upset that no one left a comment on my previous post about Laterian. Am I the only one who finds him incredible?

Did you hear? By 2030 all Americans will be overweight. Well, it seems that I am ahead of the curve! It's only 2008 and I am overweight! A+!

Did you hear? Jerry Lewis was caught with a gun in his luggage. Yes, I said Jerry Lewis. What in the hell does he need a gun for? Douchebag. I was at Lambert years ago and he was there. My mom and I went to use the bathroom and these 2 big security type guys told us we couldn't go in. We asked why not. They said that a celebrities wife was in there. It was Jerry Lewis's wife. Let me tell you, I wouldn't recognize that hag if she smacked me in the face. DIVA!

Laterian

2008-06-25T21:14:00.003-05:00

Please meet my newest favorite person, Laterian. He is only 7 but already loves to go out with his friends and do "hood rat stuff." He is a thug in the making. And I love him.

http://www.dlisted.com/node/25585

But I'm not going out like no punk bitch!

2008-06-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w

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Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT

We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't have to go if I don't want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stella" with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?

What a catch!

2008-06-18T19:21:00.001-05:00

Planned parenthood - m4w

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Date: 2008-02-28, 10:53PM CST

You are a stunning girl in your early 20's you have short black hair and striking blue eyes. You were wearing skinny jeans and a dark grey coat, you had a sexy lip ring in the middle of your luscious lips and large blue earrings. I thought you winked at me out of the corner of my eye, but I'm not sure. I was waiting in the lobby with my ex to see if she was preggers but it's ok cuz shes not. Please respond.

Rick!!!

2008-06-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

You wouldn't get this from any other guy

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Date: 2008-04-24, 11:52AM EDT

Are you ready to be together forever baby? Somethings i will never to do you:

1. Give you up
2. Let you down
3. Run Around
4. Desert you
5. Make you cry
6. Say Goodbye
7. Tell a Lie
8. Hurt you

A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You know your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it. Hit me up.

Craiggers

2008-05-28T18:03:00.001-05:00

Free: Lazy Boyfriend, Slightly Used

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Date: 2008-03-03, 12:43PM PST

Free: One slightly used boyfriend. Sleeping right now, and for the past 18 hours, after staying out with his pals the night before until 4 am. I don't think he really wants to keep his job much longer, either. U haul. First one here gets him. He'll be out on the curb. Enjoy!

More help for idiots

2008-04-06T23:29:00.001-05:00

Hey

2008-02-11T16:40:00.001-06:00

Congrats, You’re An Asshole!

Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are, so here’s a clue for you on your journey of self-improvement:

Double parking
Parking in handicap space
Leaving dog in car
Not shovelling sidewalk
Creating your own parking space
Talking really loudly on cell phone while riding public transportation
Being a loud inconsiderate neighbour
Cutting in line
Bringing sixteen items to the fifteen-item express lane
Not tipping / not tipping enough
Not cleaning up after yourself
Not controlling dog
Not giving up seat on public transportation when someone obviously needs it more than you
Walking three abreast on city sidewalks
Leaving trash outside your apartment door
Not dealing with car alarm
Excessive car-horn honking
Leaving kids in car
Leaving your car idling while you run into the store
Snacking on produce and bulk items in grocery store
Not returning your shopping cart to the cart corral even though you are only parked a few spaces away
Opening car door without looking and endangering cyclists
Smoking in non-smoking areas
Taking up too much time with teller because you don't understand how banking works
Using an ATM for 18 consecutive transactions when people are waiting
Not letting others cut grocery line if they have only a couple items
Berating servicepeople for things not their fault
Parking too close to other cars thereby blocking them in
Not letting others out of the train/bus/store/post office before pushing way in
Not making more coffee when you finish the pot
Wearing too much perfume or cologne
Stopping to chat or look around in front of doorway, elevator or escalator
Leaving laundry sitting idle in machine at laundromat
Littering
Talking loudly on cell phone
Not holding the door for the person behind you whose arms are full
Using Barnes & Noble as den
Bringing child to R-rated film
Stinking up office with foul meals and snacks
Trying to sneak through a yellow light, ending up parked in intersection, blocking traffic
Sneezing without covering nose and offering snotty handshake
Not wiping equipment down after you've gotten it sweaty at gym
Not washing hands after using washroom
*Plus a blank entry for you to write in*

Help for Idiots

2008-02-01T21:49:00.000-06:00

NYE 2 for 1 special

2007-12-31T01:23:00.000-06:00

So here are two Craigslist posts.

lions choice - m4w

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Reply to: pers-523206983@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-30, 2:08AM CST

you are so hot , i dont know your name but i think you are a manager. you have dark shoulder length hair, just once i would love to pour honey all over you and lick it off.

What? I have never looked at someone and thought "Damn, where is the honey?" Now won't you look at the condiments a little differently every time you go to Lions Choice?

Bathroom Lady - m4w - 28

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Reply to: pers-523150596@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-30, 12:03AM CST

You were, apparently, in the bathroom at CBGB the other night. I was also looking for the bathroom, as I had to get rid of those 3 PBRs I had consumed.

I just want to say I'm really sorry. The bar was really dark, and I had never had to use the restroom there before. My buddies said "go to the door with the pumpkin by the bar" but I guess I didn't hear them, and I ended up in the wrong restroom.

I really wasn't trying to barge in on you, and I am not a pervert, despite what you may see as evidence to the contrary.

Regardless, I bet you're cute when you're not screaming in horror on a toilet. Can I buy you a drink sometime?

AWWWWW. Here is a man who can apologize for his mistake and still think you are damn cute while you are screaming bloody murder!

HBIC

2007-10-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

You know where it's from.

Looking for Carla - Supervisor GC Services in the mid 90's - m4w - 29
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Date: 2007-10-09, 3:17PM CDT

You are a freaking beotch. I just wanted to get that off my chest. You once told me you wanted to break my boyfriend and I up so you could set us up with other people. You said it front of both of us at dinner with coworkers! I was too young and nervous to stand up to your fat a$$. I was scared you would eat me. I just wanted you to know eleven years later, we are still together and happier than ever. We make a ton of money, are well educated and have a new home bigger than your badonkadonk. I hope you found a better job...and a treadmill. Chances are, you did not. You better hope I never run into you at a all-you-can-eat buffet.

Now who else was rolling on the floor when watching I Love New York2 last night? The way they framed Midget Mac during the "talking heads" was priceless.

2007-09-03T23:40:00.000-05:00

Gotta love it.

2007-08-04T18:08:00.001-05:00

Haven't posted a Craigslist in a while. Sometimes it takes some time to find just the right one to post. Found this one in 2 minutes.

Walmart in Troy MO, FLavored Water Aisle
Date: 2007-08-04, 12:21PM CDT

I saw you in the aisle buying lots of flavored water. You have what I like to call a cookie dough moustache and maybe missing some upper teeth (couldnt tell, you didnt smile or anything, so please dont be insulted by this). Thought you were HOT! Saw you again in the parking lot as I was leaving. You drove a red and white older pickup truck. Not sure how old you are, maybe in your mid 40's. Couldnt see if you were wearing a wedding ring or not. You never looked my way, so doubt if you ever saw me. Maybe I will see you again at Walmart in Troy and not be shy to say HI.

What in the hell is a "cookie dough moustache?" And you can call me a snob, but since when are missing teeth attractive?

In my mailbox

2007-06-26T23:29:00.000-05:00

Look what I got in my email today!

Because you've downloaded music by the Beastie Boys from iTunes in the past, we thought you'd like to know about their new album, The Mix-Up.

Following 2004's To the 5 Boroughs, the Beastie Boys forgo the rap antics and punk rants that made them so popular in the '80s and '90s, and return to their rock roots with the all-intrumental album, The Mix-Up. Digging into the familiar lounge funk of Check Your Head and Ill Communication, Mike D describes the new album as "post-punk instrumental." With Mike D on drums, Ad-Rock on guitar, MCA on bass, plus help from Keyboard Money Mark and and percussionist Alfredo Ortiz, the Boys trade in their sampling talents for real instruments throughout the album.

The Mix-Up comes with the bonus track "Biscuits and Butter" and is available in both DRM-protected and iTunes Plus versions. And when you download the album by July 2, you'll also get access to tickets with preferred seating for the Beastie Boys' summer tour from Ticketmaster.com.* Special blocks of tickets have been reserved for iTunes customers, so a limited number of seats for dates that have already sold out will be available. iTunes will email you a Ticketmaster password for preferred seating after July 6.

So I really thought my boys were trying to put one over on all of us. Telling us the record was instrumental when it really wasn't. The joke is on me. It really is instrumental. I listened to the tracks on Itunes today. Some of the tracks would be great to rap on. Especially Cousin of Death, Electric Worm and Biscuits and Butter. And, they are still not coming to the midwest. I'll keep my eyes posted though. Supposedly when they do tour they will do multiple nights in each city. One night for an instrumental show and one for the rappin'. You know which one I would go to!

Boys

2007-06-14T01:46:00.000-05:00

As predicted, the Beastie Boys will be playing some U.S. shows this summer in addition to their European festival dates. According to the band’s flack, the following shows will feature the Beasties “in all their traditional hip hop glory,” which means that their gig at Brooklyn’s smallish McCarren Pool should be, as the kids say, “off the heazy.” Even more intimate gigs featuring the band’s instrumental configuration from their new album The Mix-Up are going to be announced soon.

8/1 Philadelphia - Festival Pier
8/6 Boston - Bank of America Pavilion
8/8 New York - Summerstage
8/9 Brooklyn - McCarren Pool
8/16 Denver - Red Rocks
8/23 Santa Barbara - County Bowl
8/25 Berkeley - Greek Theater

Damn it! Come to the midwest!

lol

2007-05-31T00:43:00.000-05:00

Saw this somewhere on-line.

This is an ACTUAL ad posted in the classifieds:

$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling
it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.
Apparently "do whatever the fuck you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve. (xxx)xxx-xxxx

what

2007-05-02T19:14:00.000-05:00

This is the cover for the new album. Here is a little blurb from the boys.

OK, here's our blurb about our new album -- it spits hot fire! -- hot shit! it's official... it's named THE MIX-UP. g'wan. all instrumental record. "see i knew they were gonna do that!" that's a quote from you. check the track listing and cover below. you love us. don't you?"

Track listing:
1. "B for My Name" - 3:31
2. "14th St. Break" - 3:34
3. "Suco de Tangerina" - 3:17
4. "The Gala Event" - 3:47
5. "Electric Worm" - 3:15
6. "Freaky Hijiki" - 3:05
7. "Off the Grid" - 4:36
8. "The Rat Cage" - 3:37
9. "The Melee" - 3:10
10. "Dramastically Different" - 3:57
11. "The Cousin of Death" - 3:06
12. "The Kangaroo Rat" - 3:28

All instrumental? I wanna hear new lyrics! I wanna hear Adrocks voice! He's my fav. Oh well. We will have to see. Oh the best part was that one of the potential album names was "Thick like Beyonce's leg." Too much!

Hmm

2007-04-23T01:49:00.000-05:00

Saw this on Meghan's blog and had to try it for myself. Here are my results.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

LMAO!

2007-04-15T04:13:00.001-05:00

Only the funniest thing I have seen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvKV3GVc42g

Goodness

2007-03-29T00:15:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah. Here is the latest and greatest. Too bad I don't live in France, Turkey, Germany or Spain. That is where they are playing shows this summer.

So here it is, from the boys themselves.

hi... here's a few things you might wanna know about..

1. we have a new record coming out

2. it's gonna be sick

3. we're playing a bunch of shows this summer (see below)

4. they're gonna be sick

5. we're gonna play some instrumental only shows also... (you know..drums..bass..guitar..keyboard..percussion..)

6. better call your doctor..cause they're gonna be sick

7. it's gonna be a gala event

8. we're changing up the website...sick

9. got new gear coming soon...again...sick..

10. go see a tailor and get tapered up...

see you soon....beastie boys

Funny!

2007-03-21T02:36:00.000-05:00

I found this online and just had to post it. This is one of the complaints regarding the Super Bowl halftime show with Prince.