El Pocho Abogado

2008-01-29T00:39:00.001-08:00

An Actual Hearing

2008-01-27T23:57:00.000-08:00

Judge: Don't Rise! Mr. Gonzalez do you have your notepad ready?

Me: Yes, your honor.

Judge (flipping through the court file): I don't see any responsive pleadings or affidavits.
Petitioner's Motion paragraph 1, granted. Paragraph 2, granted, at least until respondent replies. Paragraph 3 (bites his lip and moves his head back and forth), are you keeping up Mr. Gonzalez?

Me: Yes, your honor.

Judge: Granted, Paragraph 4? We'll leave attorney's fees pending until trial. Thank you counsel. We're off the record.

Verbatim, that is the entire hearing. It took less than two minutes. Now I'm glad I won, but what if my client expects that kind of performance in the rest of our hearings?

Overheard in open court.

2007-12-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

Attorney: How many times have you been convicted of a felony?

Respondent: About ten or so.

Attorney: What were those convictions for?

Respondent: Failure to appear, some driving stuff, possession of a controlled substance. I was trying to self medicate my narcolepsy.

Attorney: What drug was the possession of a controlled substance for?

Respondent: Meth.

Attorney: Let me clarify this. Your testimony is that you were self medicating your sleeping disorder with Methamphetamine? Is that what your testimony is?

2007-11-30T17:27:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to a little M.I.A. lately. I heard the song Paper Planes and it stuck in my head like glitter on a crafter. I took me two weeks to realize the sample was from The Clash's song Straight To Hell. Now both are on constant rotation in my head.

I actually didn't mind the songs stuck in my head after sitting through restraining order hearings the other day. It was nice to hear something blocking out the testimony.
Now, this isn't legal advice but it's probably not good to mention that "she makes me so angry I just lose it sometimes" when you're trying to get rid of a restraining order.
Some other phrases that don't go over well are "I didn't threaten her, I mean, yeah I said I'd kill her, but I didn't shout it. My voice was very calm."
"Yeah I threw her over my shoulder and dragged her up the stairs, but she lied to the cops when she said she was screaming at me to put her down. She wasn't screaming, she was just saying it."
"I didn't hit her, I might have pushed her a little, but it wasn't hard. She just fell down because we were so drunk."

2007-09-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

A moment of silence...

I know, I'm going to hell. It wasn't even that funny.

2007-09-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

So, I was in court the other day. The case was crazy messy. There were four attorneys. Kids, grandparents, parents, the dog, etc. Just about everyone had an attorney. We had to pull in extra chairs and counsel tables.

The Judge is giving us a "Don't you dare try this mess" look/settlement talk in chambers. We hash out an agreement, we haggle, we talk to our clients, we come back make a few tweaks and we have a sausage, I mean, a settlement (cough sausage sausage cough).

The Judge reads the settlement onto the record, we all chime in with our pet provisions etc. I've filled up two legal pad pages with notes.

Then the Judge asks, "Who wants to prepare the judgment?"

Crickets.

I'm thinking there's no prevailing party so I don't necessarily have to write this ugly bastard. Maybe someone will volunteer.

Crickets.

I start thinking, "Shit, I'm the petitioner, the moving party." If no one volunteers this ugly bastard will be my baby.

More analytical thinking kicks in, grandma's attorney doesn't give a rat's ass about the property division. He's not taking the judgment. Kid's attorney is the same fucking story. It's me or respondent.

That's when I look at respondent's attorney. He's doing his best impression of a certified expert pencil examination expert as he stares down into the pencil in his hand. It looks like he's trying to will it, or himself, invisible with just his mind/ mastery of the force. It's a technique I'm sure he first mastered in law school when he hadn't done the reading and thought he might get called on.

At that point I realized there was no walking out of this situation with all limbs intact and I through myself on the judgment. I told the judge, "As the moving party you're going to assign it to me so let's just pretend I volunteered to write it."
He smiled and said, "Fine with me, We're off the record." And he was out of his chair and back into chambers.

I'm realizing as I write this that there are four attorneys who have to sign off on the thing. Four of them. There's no way I'm walking out of here without a bunch of objections and another hearing.

Damnit.

2007-09-21T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a Kurt Russell fan. I was over at WFMU's Beware of the Blog when I found this post comparing Patrick Swayze to Kurt Russell. I had never thought about it before but I guess Patrick Swayze is the Duane Eddie to Kurt Russell's Link Ray. The analogy is clear and I think the outcome is clear too. Link Wray kicks Duane Eddie's ass.

I will give them the point that Swayze was pretty awesome in Donnie Darko.

My only complaint is that the analysis of Big Trouble In Little China was lacking. Jack Burton is probably one of the greatest action heroes of all time. What was Swayze's name in Point Break or Roadhouse? I didn't even bother to see the other one.

So anyway, from someone who watched Sky High and enjoyed it, Russell is way better.
Checkout the Krautrock tribute to Kurt at the end of the post.

2007-09-10T23:28:00.001-07:00

When you win a hearing in family law the Court usually orders you to write the judgment or order in that case. I recently had a spate of hearings and trials where I won. It’s always nice to win but after the fourth one I started thinking about how I don’t have time to write these all these judgments. I started to think about how maybe I shouldn’t win the next couple.
I could just sit down with my client and explain “I know your children mean a lot to you but maybe you should just have a really special time with them this weekend. I really don’t have time to win your hearing so this is probably going to be the last parenting time you have for a while.”
Man, wouldn’t that be great!

I guess I’ll keep working weekends then.

2007-08-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

Say you have a case in family court. Say you’re not sure how your case is going. The average person would assume if they are getting more parenting time than they had before the case then they’re doing pretty good. If they have about the same amount of parenting time then your case is going about average. If you have less parenting time then your case is not going so well.

If you somehow manage to get your self taken into custody and put in jail you can be certain that you need to shut the hell up and hire an attorney and do everything that attorney says.

This isn’t legal advice. This is common sense.

2007-07-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

I had a hearing in a different county on Friday. Their procedures are a little different from the county I normally practice in. I had to call in on Thursday to find out what court room and judge it was in front of. To my delight, or maybe dread and terror, I find that my hearing is in front of a pro tem judge. A pro tem judge who was a judge for a long time and then retired. Retired from the F'ing Supreme Court of Oregon. Not actually a judge but a Justice. Shit.

This wasn't any plain old justice either. This happened to be the one who wrote four or five of the major opinions on the area of law that was being argued that day. You could see the stress pulse in my veins as they throbbed on my fore head. Shit.

So, instead of sleeping that night I read, and reread and then read them ten more times for good measure, every opinion he wrote on the subject. I was so prepared for court that I could recite his opinions verbatim. I could probably belch the distinctions between Roshto and Cottingim. Maybe I was a little over prepared, over anxious, and over stressed. Shit.

And what happened? The mutha fucking opposing party fired their lawyer and no showed. I got a freaking default. Christ. Double Christ. Shit.

I guess at least I won and now I know the case law. I guess the Justice got to watch me sit and sweat like a mule in heat for half an hour while I tried to figure out what the hell was going and was super impressed and will recommend business my way. Whatever. Shit.

2007-07-02T23:42:00.000-07:00

I went to starbucks this morning to get a bagel. I was out of bagels. At starbucks there was an attractive brunette woman with big brown eyes. She was wearing open toed black suede high heels.
I kind of noticed her.
As I was ordering my bagel and coffee I could see her checking me out. She leaned over to her friends and whispered. Her friends looked me over and whispered back.
I was feeling pretty proud. A beautiful woman, with really great taste in shoes, was paying attention to me.
I was nonchalant. I played it cool. I watched her get up with her friends and walk off towards the court house.
I hoped she was a new file clerk or judicial assistant. Then I would see her again! Then I could work some of my charm on her. When it comes to charm the term, "pants off" has been known to apply. At least in my better daydreams it has applied.
I strut back to my office, high on the idea that a beautiful woman had just checked me out.

Later this afternoon I go to ex parte to have the Judge sign a final judgment in a case. I'm feeling doubly good. A hot woman checked me out and now I'm finally closing a case I started back in December. It is a good day.
I'm waiting in the hall when suddenly the attractive woman walks by and gives me a long glance. I quickly think why she might be in that hallway. Maybe she's on the restraining order docket and she's an advocate for survivors of domestic violence?
I get up to read that days docket.

There's a former clients name on the docket. I won his case. I realized that the woman wasn't "checking me out". She was giving me nasty looks.
She was the opposing party in a case that I won back at the beginning of the year. I got her protective order dismissed. (I was pretty awesome in that trial, not that I'm bragging.)
She wasn't looking me up and down in the "He's tall, dark, and handsome" sort of way. She was looking me over and whispering to her friends in the "That's the douchebag that represented my ex husband and fucked up my life. What a dirtbag. Choke and die motherfucker" kind of way.

When I got back to the office I told the legal assistant what happened. She said "It's not okay to hit on your former client's victims."

That's good advice, but she had pretty eyes...

2007-05-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

I read this article in the times and can only say that I'm a little bereft.

I once met a guy who worked at IMDB and I asked him why there was no picture of Charles Nelson Reilly on his IMDB page. The guy said that he never thought he would be asked that. Here's the webpage with IMDB's contact so that you can also ask them to put up a picture of Charles Nelson Reilly and that they should add his one man play/movie, The Life of Reilly, to his credits.

Here's where you can add Mr. Reilly to your myspace friends. He should probably be in your top eight.

You can find out more about the guy at www.charlesnesonreilly.com, which is pretty much the coolest website in the world.

Up on the hilltop where the vultures perch,
That's where I'm gonna build my church,
Ain't gonna be no priest, ain't gonna be no boss;
Just Charles Nelson Reilly nailed to a cross.

I hope he's finally getting some relief.

2007-05-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

A lot of fancy lawyers look down on my '06 bar number. They look at it and think "I'll steam roll this guy" and then don't do their prep work.

Last week I got to sit in Judges chambers and hand Opposing Counsel my finished paperwork. The Judge got to hear him apologize for not finishing his on time. I got to stare at the wall and not smirk while the Judge lectured him. And I got to thank the Judge while he made a comment about how much he appreciated how hard my client was working and that my client must really love his children.

This happens a lot. Almost every week. I love it, even when the attorney calls and screams at me later. At that point he can't intimidate me, even if he is charging his client 5X the amount I charge, because I know that shouting sound is desperation and fear. I'm gonna beat him and he knows it.

He knows he's going to lose to an '06, a lawyer with 4 months experience, a lawyer that he told his client he would mop the floor with, and it's only been the first hearing.

2007-05-08T23:43:00.001-07:00

Alberto Gonzales.
He creates a complicated problem for me. It has a lot to do with race. As the news reports more misstatements, inaccurate statements, potential lies, probable lies, and outright lies I feel more and more embarrassed.
The less competent he looks the worse I feel it reflects on me. He’s currently the highest ranking Latino in the U.S. government. The fact that he’s a Latino has fortunately not been mentioned in the press except in the context that everyone has been great about not mentioning race when they talk about how incompetent he is.
This is one of the weird ways racism works. I’m both relieved and troubled that race has not been mentioned. Hopefully it’s not mentioned because it’s not a relevant to the fact that he can’t do his job. But I worry that it’s not mentioned because it’s what all the white people are thinking about him.
I know that’s a piece of stereotyping, but b/c I don’t know what big chunks of the white population are thinking, I worry that it might be the worst.

Now, as a Latino, on top of worrying about how the white people are thinking about Alberto Gonzales, I worry how much they associate him with me. I’m one of the few Latino lawyers in Oregon. I’m bound to be associated with him. I didn’t go to Harvard and don’t have a fancy job but it still concerns me.

This is the interesting way that racism currently works. I have a fear that is probably semi rational, but I have no way of verifying how rational it is and I’m suspicious that I’m being judged by his actions.

There’s an old joke, “What do you call a Mexican in a suit?”
“The defendant.”

Most attorneys of color I’ve talked to have mentioned at least one experience in court where they were mistaken for the defendant. As Alberto becomes more and more like a defendant I feel like he’s undercut the advances everyone of color have achieved.

He’s someone I’m in no way associated with except for some skin color, and he embarrasses me.

White people aren’t embarrassed about being associated with Bush.

2007-04-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend about a case today. She works in the same area of law I work in and serves generally the same population. I told her that one of my client's Ex used a new form of harassment against my client. It was nonviolent but a huge headache. It went well beyond getting a restraining order first or the general methods of screwing up my client's life. I was surprised by it and a little impressed. It was clever and I will have to reevaluate how I approach him in court.
My friend said it's screwed up that this method of harassment surprised me. We've become so used to people beating up our clients it's shocking when they can get at them without using violence. I wouldn't have been in the least bit shocked if I found out that her Ex kicked in the door and beat her with a stick. I would have felt bad but not shocked.

2007-03-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

I lost a hearing. I consider it a loss because I didn't get everything I want. I got about half of what I asked for. I felt I had the statutory law on my side. It wasn't until I had the chance to drive home about 4 hours later that I realized that although the law may have been on my side I probably wasn't asking for something very fair. The judge did what was fair when the law was unclear.
It's interesting how my mindset will get so one sided. When I told my roommate he didn't understand what my position was. I explained it and he wondered why I thought my position was reasonable. He asked why I thought my client deserved it.
I got to keep my head clear of that kind of client support because it can blind me to the other sides argument.

2007-03-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

If you were to choose to tell a lie in court, and I would recommend that you don't, don't make it an obvious lie. When you make it an obvious lie you give me the opportunity to look at the judge in a sort of "I don't believe I caught that" sort of way. Then I'll look at you in a "Did you really just say such a stupid lie" way. Then I'll look at the ceiling to make sure lightning isn't striking you. Last, I'll look back at the judge in an "I'm going to pretend that stupid lie was not said b/c it's so dumb that it will just bog us down" and I'll say "Anyway, on the merits...".
Really, just don't lie. Everyone knows it. Lawyers live solely to sniff out and exploit these kind of lies.

2007-03-10T11:45:00.000-08:00

I had a hearing on Tuesday. I filed a motion with the court asking that my client have exclusive use of the family residence. Basically I'm asking the court to make the other party leave the house b/c the couple is fighting too much.
I won my hearing and the judge was laying out the terms and then I realized that I had just had this woman kicked out of her house. I made that happen.
It was necessary and for the good of the kids. She'll be able to find a place to live. It'll help speed the divorce along. There are some positives to it.
However, the psychological impact must be significant. I don't know how I would react if some stranger hauled me into court and had me thrown out of my house and away from my children. It's hard not to think that it would be devastating.
While writing the order up yesterday I realized how completely inadequate legal ethical education is. I had been happy that I won. What I did was necessary but I should have been more cognizant of what I was doing and not get tricked by language like "motion for exclusive use of the family residence."
Lawyers use language to hide the impact of what they do as much from themselves as from anyone.
No cheering when I kick people out of their house from now on.

2007-03-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

If I have to call a client and the hold music is especially bad it may effect my decision to bill that phone call.

2007-03-02T19:26:00.001-08:00

One of the wonderful things about being a new lawyer is that even when you try and do a good job you are going to screw up. Some times those mistakes will be large. So you may win and the Judge may feel it necessary to point out some large mistake. You then have the best of both worlds. You get to win but you can still feel like a loser! I can’t encourage you enough to apply to law school.

2007-03-01T22:22:00.000-08:00

If you make a motion to the court that the other party should submit to a hair follicle drug test then expect the other party to ask that you submit to the same test. If this happens and you don't think you can pass there are some ways to go about handling it. The best would probably be to withdraw your motion. You might also try settling.
The worst plan would be to have your entire body waxed. When you show up at the testing site and they can't even pluck an eyebrow to do a test they probably won't think it's a strange coincidence. They'll probably call the other party and say, "I don't fucking believe that this asshole showed up with his entire body waxed. I couldn't even get hair out of his ass crack."
The judge probably won't believe your lame excuse for waxing your entire body, no matter how casually you try and present that excuse.
This isn't legal advice, I'm just saying...

2007-02-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

On a scale of 1 to 10 I think this rates Chilango.

2007-02-26T00:14:00.001-08:00

So, I was asked to give a talk at a fundraiser. I work at a non profit legal clinic helping people with family law issues. There are a lot of domestic violence victims who come to us for help. I was asked to talk about the money raised at the fundraiser helped us provide services to people.
They wanted me to give a talk that would show the donors that they were doing good things. The first case that jumped to my mind was the guy who I successfully defended on a stalking protective order. Once I got the order dismissed he asked me if that meant he could get his guns back.
When I told the fundraising coordinator about that story she turned pale. I guess not everyone shares my sense of humor.

2007-01-18T21:46:00.000-08:00

I just learned that I have comments going back for 2 months that I needed to approve so that they would show up. I don't think I ever turned on that feature. Whatever. I've got that fixed now, I think. The fact that the comments all show up in October and that new comments have appeared is reassuring.

I was pretty thrilled on Tuesday when Barack Obama announced the formation of his exploratory committee. As a general rule I don't like to believe in politicians. They're all kind of dirty to me. However, I really like Obama. I think after 6 years of listening to Bush stutter lies I would fall for anyone well spoken. If they sound sincere while they're correctly pronouncing words I'll fall hard. Obama does both things, and he does them extremely well. I think he might be the kind of candidate I wouldn't be embarrassed by later on.

The other thing about Obama that I think is important is that because he's an individual of color, and his father was an immigrant, that he can respect my point of view and how it is formed. He has the experience to understand how varied experiences create varieties of opinions and that those opinions are valid. The current administration seems to label everyone a coward or a traitor if they disagree. I don't think Obama will do that.
Most importantly I think Obama will stand up for people like me. There was an article in Slate about how Justice Marshall stood up to Rehnquist when he called undocumented students in Texas "wetbacks". Marshall immediately confronted him and didn't accept any lame excuses. He pointed out that Rehnquist's comment was unjustifiable. As long as Justice Marshall was on the court you knew there was one guy in the government you could trust, who was on your side, and who wouldn't twist the truth to benefit the wealthy or the empowered. I don't think there's anyone in the government besides Obama like that right now. I think it's important to support someone who is going to support people regardless of their viewpoints, someone who is going to stand up to racist/sexist/backwards remarks. This may not be the traditional civil rights leader, but times have changed. I love Al Sharpton, he speaks truth to power, but no one wants to work with someone who's going to turn them into a punchline. Obama offers respect and that's going to get true equality closer to reality in the long run.
Personally I could give a crap about religion. I don't think it says anything about an individual. There are moral and altruistic atheists and corrupt, lying, selfish god fearers. Obama strikes me as someone who is going to talk about religion in the terms of mercy and compassion. Kind of like pretty much every religion claims it does.

I'm ready at this point to throw my lot in with Obama. The only legitimate criticism is that he doesn't have a lot of political experience. I think what he may lack in political experience he makes up for in actual experience and intelligence. Obama can learn on the job, he can figure out why he might have made a mistake, and he can take steps to do better in the future.

Obama's collection of attributes encourages me to think he's worth supporting. As we find out more about him I hope that I have reasons to maintain my enthusiasm.

2007-01-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

I'm totally thrilled with this new band Los Abandoned. I bought their CD and have been listening to it non-stop. It's got the perfect mix of poppy new wave and power pop, Latino and Anglo. This band shines with the beauty of cross cultural pollination. This is the reason I became a pocho in the first place. I've never heard Spanglish sound so hooky.

Here's the video for Van Nuys Es Very Nice. I think she's reading Ingles Por Dummies.