Don's Stuff - Random Ramblings

A little bit of self pity...

2009-11-10T14:12:00.002-06:00

I've been pretty good lately. I've managed to still get a few things done as I go through my days. But a lot of my thought lately goes to what is left. I'm 35 years old. I was making 50,000 a year as a department manager at Menards. I was married - not always happily but all the problems could have been worked on. I have 2 kids one a step kid I failed to adopt. At this time they are 2 and 11. In a couple of weeks one will be travelling to Virginia to live with her mom and the other might be going the same way for a short time. Once they are gone what is left for me?

I don't have a job - hopefully that will be fixed soon. I do have friends but I never seem to get together with them. The only thing that seems to keep me going is the girls and soon I won't have that. The only mistake I made was trusting someone completely with my heart and with my life. Well, that didn't work out so well now, did it?

I'm so depressed... I'm so angry... I'm so lost! I don't know who to turn to. I'm kind of lost in the world right now. My best friend just got friended by the guy that took my place in life. He is going to get all of the things that I had planned on. All the things that I had hoped for and once again I will be off on my own. I need to find a way out of this. I've put all my chips on one person and managed to lose.

I try to be so strong for the girls. I try not to show just how much anger I am really feeling. It's hard to have to hear how much more fun Ken is. Well, hell yes. He will be more fun. He doesn't have to tell you to do your homework. He doesn't have to change diapers at 2am. He doesn't have to kill the spider on the wall at midnight. He doesn't have to make supper for the girls. He doesn't have to listen to a guy the stole everything you thought you were getting in life talk to your girls. He's not giving up anything to be with you. He doesn't have to pretend. Ken has it much easier in the end to be their friend. I have to be a parent first. I need to help the girls be the best they can be. They've turned out well and have dealt with a difficult situation better than I've expected.

I keep trying to get by. I do okay most days but not always. It's tough. I think a lot of people know what it's like but when they don't have to see it day in a day out they are able to be distant. They hear little bits of it every so often but they don't have to live it. I'm being torn apart and I don't know what to do. I'm running out of time to try to save what little I still have. Pretty soon I won't be able to pay for my house and then where do I go? Do I just give up those thoughts and just go on the road? Do I forget about holding down a job? Do I let the house go? It would be so easy at a time like this to just give up and go away. But that isn't an option. I just need to push through and find out what is on the other side.

Oh well, the only thing that keeps me getting up in the morning are two of the best things that have ever happened to me. How can a mom claim that they mean the world to them and that everything she does is for them while she goes off for over 2 months for a job. She can't even stay around them for 24 hours with out spending the night with another man.

Well, that's enough of a rant from me for now. I don't even think anyone reads these things but that's okay.

Uniform Velocity: My Atheism Is Not A Rejection Of Your God

2009-01-08T21:27:00.000-06:00

Uniform Velocity: My Atheism Is Not A Rejection Of Your God

Added some pictures to Flickr

2008-07-25T16:04:00.001-05:00

I just added a bunch of pictures to my Flickr account. The address is:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/don_espe/

Hope you enjoy.

George Carlin's Last Interview | Psychology Today Blogs

2008-06-30T19:11:00.000-05:00

Here is a great article that is listed as George Carlin's last interview. It was done 10 days before his death.

George Carlin's Last Interview | Psychology Today Blogs

Death a Joking Matter for George and Jerry - E! Online

2008-06-25T14:27:00.000-05:00

By this time most everyone knows that George Carlin has died. Of all the things that have happened in my life this is probably one of the saddest just after losing my Dad. Sadly they both died from a heart problem. They are two great people who influenced my life in many ways that I will never be able to see again. A couple of weeks ago Blues legend Bo Diddley died and it hit me that there are a lot of performers that I would love to see live that I won't be able to anymore and I should get my butt in gear to see them. George Carlin was one of the first that came to mind though I hadn't gotten tickets yet for August when he was supposed to be in this area again. Unfortunatly that time won't come again. Now I have to work hard to get to see the next group on my list - Penn and Teller.

It's hard to think that I won't be flipping by HBO one night and find a new George Carlin show. I will still see many of his old shows but that will be all. He had so much to say that will now be cut off. He had a unique way of looking at the world. But his biggest talent was that of a story teller. He could explain these crazy ideas in such a way that you couldn't turn away. Even if you thought he was insane you still wanted to hear what he said. My Dad also had this ability to capture your interest.

When famous people die it usually doesn't hit me very hard. For some reason not having George Carlin around anymore really makes the world a bleak place to me. As usual I'll get past these feelings and life will continue as it did before he died. But it will take a while.

Here is a link to an article about George and Jerry Seinfeld:

Death a Joking Matter for George and Jerry - E! Online

A memorial in the Star Tribune one day...

2008-04-22T12:23:00.002-05:00

Do not stand at my
grave and weep

I am not there, I do
not sleep

I am the thousand
winds that blow

I am the diamond's
glints upon the
snow

I am the sunlight on
ripened grain

I am the gentle
autumn rain

When you awaken
in the morning's
hush

I am the swift
uplifting rush

Of birds in
circling flight

I am the soft star
that shines at night

Do not stand at my
grave and cry

I am not there, I did
not die

-Unknown

YouTube - Bouncing Baby

2008-03-20T16:48:00.000-05:00

We finally got around to buying a camcorder and I first had a chance to play with it yesterday. I took a short video of Ginger and it's now on YouTube if you want to see it.

Here it is:

YouTube - Bouncing Baby

YouTube - Star Wars (Sweded): A Cardboard Hope

2008-03-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

This is a hilarious video on YouTube that I just saw and had to share on here!

YouTube - Star Wars (Sweded): A Cardboard Hope

Gaming: The Cal Marching Band's Amazing 16-bit Video Game Halftime Show

2007-11-14T22:20:00.000-06:00

Having been a band geek in a past life and someone who grew up with old video games this clip is one of the best combinations of those two that I have yet to see. It's a great reenactment of many old video games relived through the Cal Marching Band.

Enjoy!

Gaming: The Cal Marching Band's Amazing 16-bit Video Game Halftime Show

Ginger Collette Espe

2007-09-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

So this was posted on another blog of mine originally. I just decided to look at this blog and realized this went to the wrong place. So here it is.

Here she is... the newest of the Espe family. The mom Leia is doing well and although tired I'm doing okay. It's odd being a Father but it's going okay so far! It's even odder that I just realized that I have yet to post anything about this baby coming along. I just realized that right now but what can ya do.

Well, this is what was posted originally. She's now 3 1/2 weeks old and has gotten a little bigger. It's still hard to get much of a nights sleep. She wakes up at least every 3 - 4 hours and needs to eat, be changed or just held. But it's not too bad so far.

A little bit I had written about my Dad just before his funeral

2007-07-06T18:41:00.000-05:00

My Dad was the strongest man I'll ever know. I'm sitting in his favorite spot as I write this and unfortunately he isn't here to take it back - not that he would have anyhow. As I was growing up I saw sides of him that no one ever seemed to see. I was my Dad's son. I was just like him in so many way. We had a lot of differences but we were a lot alike. I used to tell my mom this and she would get so angry. Those people that have known my Dad a while saw a side of my Dad that my brother and I live with as we grew up. He had a temper and could get angry but through all of that he still had one worry in his life - even at his worst - to take care of my Mom. As tough as he could be he always thought of her. He could yell loud enough to wake the neighbors but yet I've never known him to hurt a fly.

He went through an experience that he made a point to tell many people a couple of years ago and that changed him. The hard edges went away and suddenly everyone else could see the soft side that I had always known was there. He had finally found his voice to let that out. Him and I can an odd connection. We weren't always very close but we knew the other person would always be there to help out. Whenever my car would have a problem he would be around to fix it or at least try to talk me through how to do it myself. Luckily for me he was a good teacher and I'll be able to get by with out it. My Dad was able to do anything he wanted. If he needed a tool he would make it. If he needed a way to move engine blocks by himself he built a lift. He always taught me there was no such word as "can't." There was always a way. Even until the end he still did anything his body would allow him to do. He drove a car and talked at meetings. He had to help other people. He had finally found his voice and for that I will always be thankful. I think I was the only one that could see through that tough exterior for most of his life and think that bound us together. I did what I could to share that with everyone that I talked to. I was always and still am very proud of my Father.

He left this world in the presence of the three most important people in his life and was being watched over by his two best friends Blackjack and Midnight. I wasn't able to be there in person but I was there on the phone with him as he left this world. All he was able to tell me is that he was okay and he wasn't in pain. None of us had any idea that those would be his last words but we are all thankful that he was able to leave with the same dignity he fought for in his life. He would proud of his two boys and was deeply hurt that we my brother and I weren't talking. But he managed to last long enough for that moment. A three year silence had just ended on the same phone call and his was informed of that shortly before I had a chance to talk to him. As tough as he could be he had gotten his biggest wish. It wasn't for money, it wasn't for cars or anything else. He had his boys talking again and together with him and his wife.

For the last few weeks he has offered me anything he had but all I really wanted was for him to be happy. I got my wish from him. All that I want from anyone else is to help his memory live - share his stories. Share the good and the bad for that was the man - but most of all smile. I don't think he fully realized that the good parts of me that he saw were all from him. It took this point for my mom to realize that me being like him wasn't something to be ashamed of but instead something to be proud of.

RichardDawkins.net - The Official Richard Dawkins Website

2007-05-26T09:54:00.000-05:00

A great table of periodic Elements as if it had been written by a creationist. Funny, but scary at the same time. It is frighting how many times I have heard similar arguments against quite a few scientific theories.

RichardDawkins.net - The Official Richard Dawkins Website

A few changes...

2007-05-08T14:12:00.000-05:00

I have added a few domain names for my website. You can now get to the blog by going to: blog.donespe.com or my main website by going to: www.donespe.com

I'm kinda back again...

2007-03-28T22:50:00.000-05:00

For the last couple of month I have been having problems updating my blog. I've written a few things but I never managed to get the settings just right to upload anything. Well as you can tell I seem to have it fixed now so hopefully I'll manage to write a little bit more. I have a Flickr account with quite a few pictures from my last trip to Florida a couple of months ago. The link I have is a little shaky but hopefully it'll be working by the time this post makes it.
The address is: http://www.flickr.com/photos/don_espe/ hopefully you'll find a few pictures that are enjoyable. I hope to add more pictures as I get more time but lately time has not been plentiful.

Skeptico: How do you prove photography to a blind man?

2007-03-26T23:12:00.000-05:00

Skeptico: How do you prove photography to a blind man?

Dark Roasted Blend: Real Life "Bambi & Thumper"

2007-01-06T19:29:00.001-06:00

Dark Roasted Blend: Real Life "Bambi & Thumper"

Out of hiding...

2006-12-08T15:45:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess it's about time I started to come out of hiding. I really haven't been hiding from anyone but myself. I've been going through all the motions that I've done for the last few years of my life. I've gone to work, I've eaten - everything else that I'd normally do. But I've locked myself away from so many things emotionally so I've left off writing because that could be hard. I've had a lot of bad things happen over the last month and a half. I didn't really mention it in this blog but the day before my Dad's funeral Leia and I found out we were expecting a baby. Well a couple weeks later we had a miscarriage. Between all of this I managed to just want to hide out more than ever. Leia and I are doing ok and I think we've dealt with it pretty well. She is healthy.

I've used the roller coaster reference before and this was just another hill on that ride. I haven't really had a chance to slow down and just try to get myself back together but I'm almost there. I'm close enough that I'm feeling like writing again. The hardest thing for me to do is to show emotion. Every so often I let it slide but it's pretty rare. I'm getting there, though.

The last month and a half... hmmm... Well, my dad died - though I'm happy with the manner that everything happened it still stinks losing him. When he was around I guess I didn't talk to him as much as I probably could have but I can't go back now and change that. His last few weeks I talked to him almost every day so that helps a bit. There are so many things that I wish we could have shared but it's not going to happen. I did get a chance to show him my Ducky Planet website and I managed to show him what I've done with his Warm Fuzzys. He was even around long enough to find out that they started to sell a little.

I got to drive his car in the funeral procession - right behind the hearse. His old car that I had given him years ago was able to make one more trip with him. A friend of the the family rode along with me - Larry Lake. He was my dad's sponsor in AA. They were very close and I couldn't have thought of a better person to go there with me. Buried with my dad is a little red wagon that I managed to find that week along with a rubber duck, a stuffed monkey, a frog and a small pillow. The wagon was something him and I bought each other for christmas every year and this year wasn't going to be the exception. He had already gotten one for me and I'll get it this year. The duck was me, the monkey Juliann (my step daughter even though I still can't spell her name), the frog Leia, and the pillow was for a future kid that unfortunately won't be around.

Since then I've also redone the flooring in my mom's bathroom along with putting in a new toilet for her. It's been a very busy time and I'm just now slowing down enough to take a break. I'm glad I've had a few friends show up on here or on e-mail and I'm sorry I haven't been as talkative as I'd like. Hopefully now that things are starting to clear up a little I'll be able to keep in better touch. Everyone is doing okay but I still go through moments that it's hard.

Well, I guess that's about it for now from me. Thanks everyone for sticking through and reading my random babel.

The station has arrived...

2006-10-24T07:19:00.000-05:00

Well, the worst happened. My Dad was pronounced dead at 12:40am on the 24th. I was on the phone with him when he went. I took a gamble that I had another day and didn't quite make it but I was as close as I could have been. It's been a long night- I left Apple Valley by 1am and got here around 4am or so. They had the funeral home leave my Dad here until I had a chance to get here. I managed to say my goodbyes to him. It came from no where. But that's the way things go. My brother and I had just got off the phone with each other and my Mom had handed the phone to my Dad. I managed to say a few words to him but nothing major. He got silent and I had thought he just fell asleep but the next thing I heard was my Mom scream and then everything became a jumble. I ended up on the phone with my brother at the end. I quickly got off so the could call the hospice and have them do whatever they could. So I might not have been there but I was as close as I could have been at the moment. My Dad had just told me that he was doing okay and that he wasn't in pain and then nothing.... That's how thing ended. It was a long drive - I'm at my parents house now- but it was a good drive. I had a lot of time to think and I managed to relax quite a bit and think a lot. It was good. But for now I'm going off to try to take a nap. I'm sorry to anyone that has tried to get in touch with me that I might be missing. Aaron I'm also sorry I haven't had a chance to get in touch with you. I haven't been around a whole lot to talk to anyone. Hopefully I'll get around to it soon but probably not over the next day or so.

CaringBridge - Be There ~ Helping friends and family stay in touch and informed

2006-10-14T10:40:00.001-05:00

This is a site set up to find out what is happening with my Dad. It also has a section to leave your own comments.

CaringBridge - Be There ~ Helping friends and family stay in touch and informed

Ducky Planet redone...

2006-10-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

I redid the Ducky Planet website so hopefully it'll do a lot better. Please go check it out and let me know what you think! The address again is: www.duckyplanet.com

Planet Ducky - Purchase all your Halloween shirts here

2006-10-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

I just added a Halloween section to planet ducky. Feel free to have a look.

Planet Ducky - Purchase all your Halloween shirts here

2006-10-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

I really want one of these! Yes, I'm a Star Wars geek and a lego geek to make it even worse.

Well, things are still going. I ended up going to my parents thursday night after the kid went to speech. We only stayed overnight but still are pretty worn out. My Aunt Mary Ellen was there - I haven't seen her since I was in grade school. Things were going okay up there. The house was being cleaned up and I think my mom was going crazy. I move their computer downstairs so it would be easier for my dad to use. He's still running all over the place with friends and what not. He seems to be doing pretty well. Hopefully that will last a long time but only time will tell.

The station looms even closer...

2006-10-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

Well, I just found out that the the hospital is trying to send my Dad home today. Now I'm really not sure what to do. There is just too much stuff going on all at the same time. My vacation ends saturday so I kinda want to be back for that so Ryan doesn't have to work so much. Julian has a birthday party tonight with her grandparents. Saturday she has a party with all of her friends at a swim school. Somehow I want to be around for all of these things and I really don't know what to do. Arrrgggg.... Oh yeah... The monkey also has speech tomorrow and we have yet to make one of those this school year. We've missed 3 so far. One because I had to work - two trying to help out with my dad and to see him. Well, I'm sure somehow I'll come up with answers for today and it'll all work out.

Another Roller Coaster Ride

2006-10-03T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well, the last few days have been pretty tough. The rollercoaster ride has been up and down a lot of hills but at this point it looks like the station is getting really close. Like all coasters you hope the ride last longer than it does but eventually you have to get off and continue your life. This time though we won't have the option to get back on and ride again.

Well, if this doesn't make sense to you read some of the earlier posts. Things with my dad are not going well at all. As of monday the doctor had found a surgeon that was willing to perform a bipass on my dad. Up until this time the only other surgeon that had been talked to had refused. But today they did an MRI to look at his heart and see if the parts that weren't working were still alive and just hibernating. Well, it turns out that those parts of his heart aren't working at all so there is nothing that can be done. In the next few days he'll be heading home and there should be some hospice care to help caring for him. I'm at home now but I'm not sure when I should go up there. I had planned on going up there for a surgery that might have happened as soon as friday but that won't be happening. I guess I will wait and find out when he is going home and head up to be there for that.

Well, that's all that for now... My dad won't be around long... I fear he won't be at home more than a day or so. What will my mom do? That's the hardest part for me to take. Hopefully I'll be able to do something with the Warm Fuzzys on duckyplanet.com since those are all his. My dad came up with them and has drawn them as long as I can remember.

Back in Duluth...

2006-10-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

Well, this is my second night in Duluth. If you haven't guessed my Dad isn't doing too great. They were going to add a stent into his heart on friday but the damage to his heart was far too bad to allow that. His heart is in really bad shape. There is currently a balloon in his chest that is helping his heart to beat so it can hopefully relax a bit and try to heal it some. The bad thing about this is that it should only be in there a few days. Well, this is day number 2. They'll keep it in tomorrow and see what happens. There aren't a whole lot of options after this so it's not looking overly good. Leia and I are up here until at least monday. We are staying in a hotel in Duluth with my mom. She's doing okay under the current circumstances. Hopefully it'll all manage to work out though he will not be himself for a very long time even if everything goes perfectly. Tonight his heart was doing about what it's supposed to be doing but without the help of the balloon it is only operating at about 10%. It seems he most likely had a heart attack 2 or 3 weeks ago and that's what caused all of this damage. The nurses and doctors seem to be doing a great job and he is being watched 24 hours a day. A lot of family members have come up to see him which is good. The only person I'm not sure about is my brother - he's being Bill as usual. He was up here last week for a few days but as of now it doesn't seem like he's going to head up again any time soon.

I don't think he realizes how serious this really is. There is a good chance that my dad won't be around in a few days. We are all hoping this isn't the case but it's not looking good. Well, perhaps I should go to sleep. I'm actually missing the last weekend of the Renaissance festival for the first time in 12 years and that's kinda hard to take but what can you do?