Grace and Gumption

I Might Be Back

2009-06-02T20:56:00.004-05:00

I might blog again soon. We'll see...

On My Mind

2008-10-07T23:06:00.004-05:00

I was about to go to sleep and something came to mind to blog about. It was one of these thoughts below. I can't really remember which thought I started with.

I thought I would be blogging more as of late. But the truth is, when I read a lot and talk a lot, I don't really want to write a lot. I think that could make a really strong case for how much I should or shouldn't talk, but part of my defense is that I'm trying to spend my words face to face instead of in gchats or emails or perhaps here where I would type things I wouldn't even say.

I know people have written about the effects email has on relationships in the ways we handle confrontation. The thought I had on Sunday night, which I was thinking about again tonight as I was about to go to sleep is how I am not that good at saying I'm sorry. That is a problem. I tend to avoid confrontation if I'm going to be wrong or have to say I'm sorry. Oops.

A final paper was turned in yesterday for my second grad school class. This one was integrating themes from our class Character, Community and Leadership. So I've spent the last few months looking as honestly as I can at those concepts in my life. In my paper I covered themes such as being and doing, belovedness, discipline, communion, and brokenness. Through it I've come to realize how NOT okay I am with my brokenness most of the time. Having trouble saying I'm sorry also means having trouble admitting I'm wrong which seems like something to ask the Lord to help with.

I emailed an apology to my roommate yesterday. Lame. What's going to happen when I'm in a relationship? Crap. Maybe the next person I date will think of my awkwardness with confrontation endearing? Doubtful, but then again, maybe I'll revert back to high school/early college when I thought confrontation was fun. That's probably not so endearing, but there was a time when arguing with one of my best friends in high school was recreation. He disagreed with me on so many fundamental things but we respected each other so much that it was actually really fun to hash out life issues. I think it was fun because somehow I never got my feelings hurt. He's an attorney now. I hope he can still argue without hurting people's feelings. That would be amazing.

But, somewhere I lost some of that ability to state my mind. I think it was when I heard that boys said I was intimidating. Yep, that had to be it. Bummer. I wasn't trying to be, I just hand thoughts about stuff and kept beating them in Student Council elections. (My slogan "Positively Powell" won me 5 elections. Oh the glory days of never needing a hall pass...)

By the way, I'm not equating leadership to confrontation or ability to argue...don't be confused)

I recently have had some clarity about women with leadership gifts thanks to some ideas the Lord was forming in me already, a professor, my mentor and a book by Nancy Beach. The most clarity was in the Nancy Beach book when she said that God putting leadership gifts in a little baby girl was not a mistake. He did not mix up the gift giving that day and accidentally put something in a little girl that was meant for a boy.

I know, that could sound like silliness to some, but to a girl with leadership gifts who has grown up in the church, just hearing someone say that can bring you to tears. It did. It does and it just might again.

I've gotten off track with my first thought of how important it is for me to be able to say I'm sorry...quickly and in person. This is part of the brokenness with which we all need to get comfortable. But it strikes me with profundity (I just felt like Erin there for a second) that we can't really get comfortable in our own brokenness without community. I think that our relationship with the Lord and our brokenness is one thing, but our relationship with community and brokenness is a big deal. A really big deal. A deal that hurts and frees and calls a spade a spade and realized we're all spades. If the other side of brokenness is healing then by holding back brokenness from each other, are we holding back healing? Wow, I've never thought of it like that! Could it be that we actually hold back huge amounts of the glory of God for the world to see by not being comfortable with our brokenness?

I think I can got sleep now.

Dude

2008-08-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

My roommate didn't realize she says "dude" a lot. The past 3 days she's said this multiple times: "I really didn't realize I say dude that much. I say dude all the time!"

We all have idiosyncrasies and mannerisms or perhaps habits that we simply don't realize because they are so a part of us. My dad for example, has been whistling How Great Thou Art everywhere he goes for at least the past 20 years. More than once in my childhood I located him in a Sam's Club by following the hymn. Endearing? Yes, of course. Habit? Absolutely since he's unaware he is serenading all within ear shot.

But beyond "dude" and whistling there is something that wonders how I'm perceived at a deeper level. Are there things people are noticing about me that causes them to turn away or be cautious or hold back? Are there things people see in me that beckon them to something perhaps unknown or unrealized by words but of the soul?

Questions like this must be informed by, as Herni Nouwen would put it, our chosenness and brokenness. Because only in knowing my chosenness in the midst of my brokenness can I truly hear the Lord tell me I am beloved and one on whom his favor rests. Hearing my belovedness in my chosenness and brokenness then allows me to hear the Lord's perception of me first and filter how I am perceived by others through that. Only here can it be useful information and not provoke envy, jealously or insecurity that we all fight, some more than others.

In leadership community recently, Jim Gum talked about how one important aspect of emotional intelligence is being aware of how we are perceived. This requires a valid, trusted source for feedback on how others are understanding how your words, actions and body language.

Often spouses are the default for this, but in my case, there is no spouse yet. So I must enlist close friends to talk to me about how I am perceived. This means we have to have friends that are willing to tell the truth. This means I need to be prepared to be a friend who is willing to tell the truth. This also means I must be ready to hear the truth.

Truth telling is a peculiar thing as it can often have a wide, wide variety of effects, but regardless...it still must be told.

I have a feeling as Christianity changes and as we navigate life in community that we will need the whole of truth telling more than ever. And in case it was every going to be a question...this should be loving, and prayerful and because we are for that person. We should also ask ourselves about our own agendas in the process.

It reminds me how in Proverbs it says "an honest answer is like a kiss on the lips."

Well, maybe hard to understand just how great the truth can be if you haven't been kissed in awhile, but in my case, I'll rely on my long-term memory to confirm the wisdom of the Proverbs ;)

I Don't Like to Mime

2008-08-17T23:22:00.004-05:00

I recently returned from Fuller Theological Seminary where I was taking 2 intensive classes for my master's degree. One of the seminars was Biblical Foundations of Mission. In this class, Dr. Robert Gallagher made us mime. Yes, mime. I once made the ultimatum to a youth minister as one of his volunteers that I would quit if I ever have to do a skit again. This was after I ended up in a bunny costume for a Christmas skit with instructions to "wing it". In most situations I will also find my way out of playing charades or Pictionary, but in a class at seminary having to go to the bathroom and not coming back just doesn't work. So, I got over it and my small group of 4 acted out Luke 7:36-50 where Jesus is anointed by a woman with the alabaster jar of perfume.

As it turns out, our professor knew exactly what he was doing (there was no doubt), and I saw something I'm not sure I would have otherwise. In this passage, there is a woman who has just burst into the Pharisee's house(Simon) while he is entertaining Jesus and is weeping at his feet while pouring perfume out. I'll be honest, I would have expected Jesus to address the woman quickly to alleviate the awkward tension. But instead, Jesus reads Simon's thoughts, tells him a story, and teaches him about forgiveness. Then he addresses the woman.

This struck me when we were acting it out because Simon (me) was listening to Jesus (Sean) but right there beside us was this woman (Andrea) weeping at Jesus feet. It was actually distracting and even in the acting, felt awkward that this woman was still weeping in flagrant expression right there next to me.

It occurred to me in that moment that Jesus is relentless in pursing our character. If this isn't a good example from Jesus of a "teachable moment", I don't know what is. Jesus first priority in this situation was the character of the Pharisee who wasn't accepting of this marginalized woman. It is almost as if he knew he was most definitely going to bless her, forgive her, and validate her expression, but would not miss the opportunity to help Simon see and learn forgiveness in that moment.

It seems to me that Jesus could have quite easily taken care of the woman, cleaned up the mess, and later circled back to Simon to "debrief" about the situation and tell him the story in the passage about the forgiven debt. But he doesn't. Jesus leaves the messy, awkward situation just as it is, in full form and reaches in to grab the core of Simon's heart.

I have mixed emotions about this. Part of me feels very loved by it that Jesus relentlessly pursues our character. But on the other hand, I'm not a huge fan of awkward tension which seems to me to be the best description of that room.

In the end, I am reminded of how much what is inside of us is all that matters. In this season of learning how to BE with God and this season of discipline, I feel very much like the Pharisee who Jesus isn't going to let get away with cheap, shallow rooted character for the sake of everything going smoothly for the guests.

I can't help but imagine ways my life would be different if I leaned into those times when I feel the Holy Spirit reaching into my core to expose me for who I really am.

Messy, awkward, tension, undone, known, pure, honest, trustworthy, pursued, chosen are the words that come to mind when I think about God shaping my character.

Church, 20 somethings, leaders....this matters to us. Lean in (and mime if you have to).

Yes!

2008-06-19T19:21:00.006-05:00

I was in Chicago this weekend and we went to church with our friend who gave up his bed 2 nights for us. It was on this trip I felt a small victory in my journey with the Lord. A resounding YES! in my heart. You see, I've reacted negatively towards various church styles in the past, maybe as early as 8th grade. I don't think it's always bad to react nor do I feel all my reactions were immature or judgmental. Some were. But that's neither here nor there... just finding my way.

The last community I was a part of caused me to engage with truths and styles of meeting with the Lord which were more formal than I'd known previously. I credit these beautiful people for teaching me the Apostles Creed , for giving communion its proper place and helping me to draw deeply and lovingly from liturgy. I never expected to want to pick up a copy of The Book of Common Prayers at the next used bookstore I see.

It actually wasn't until Friday night talking with friends in Chicago that I realized some of the beauty and weight the Anglican style carries in my heart. Then Sunday, I was given a gift. It had a lot of the same elements of the Anglican church complete with traditional hymns. Everything about the style has in the past been the basis of some sort of tension or reaction in me which had its right and wrong place. But as I sat/stood there during the hymns, the prayers of the people, confession time and communion I had absolutely NO tension. If anything, a longing for it overtook me. This was a victory people. I feel like I was healed of something. Maybe judgment, maybe cynicism, maybe poor vision, maybe something for which I should not try to minimize by finding the perfect words. Or maybe I just grew up a bit. Regardless, it felt really beautiful to not analyze how someone does church as more "Right" or more "Wrong" (thanks David for that wording) but as another profound way that God would choose to love us. Sounds elementary as i write it, but I think people involved in church do this much more than we'd care to admit. At least I've seen you do it as much as me :)

I've been thinking more lately about how God makes all things new. Maybe all the different ways to express the truth of God in a community setting are a loving expression of a God who regenerates, creates and makes all things new.

Or maybe all the different versions of church are mutations of the really simple way of Jesus. Ha! Maybe...but that's a totally different post. In the end, I still can't get over the fact that God gives us the ability to meet him for real, legitimately, purely without mistake and without mutation in so many ways.

Buckets of Babes

2008-06-16T19:34:00.003-05:00

Because this should be seen by everyone in the whole wide world...

Buckets of Babes Music Video from Mike Varel on Vimeo.

Games

2008-06-06T22:28:00.006-05:00

I decided a few months ago that I need to play more games. I've never liked games that much and I never really knew why. Then I realized part of it is because our family never played games so I am always the one who has to learn. I played Clue for the first time THIS year. I remember playing Sorry and Life and Monopoly but I was always begging someone to play with me.

The other reason for a strong aversion to games I've realized is the endless renditions of horribly awkward games played in youth group growing up. Maybe that's why I became a leader...I could lead the game instead of have to play it, or I could look busy enough doing something "important" to not have to play games.

In the end, I feel somewhat deficient in playing in general. I am learning and I am thankful for friends who teach me. This also means I should take advantages of opportunities to play games. I like this one.

The Game:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

Answers
1. Blakely
2. Berries
3. Lawton High
4. Blue
5. Matthew Fox
6. Lemon Drop Martini
7. Australia
8. Creme Brulee
9. Chef
10. Thought
11. Complex
12. None (as in I don't have one)

Sorry....

2008-04-20T16:36:00.002-05:00

Sorry there haven't been any new posts. I think things will be coming soon, but I've been lost in transition with not extra words for blogland. Transition is a funny thing because so much of it you cannot anticipate. I moved and started grad school in the same couple weeks. I do not feel at my prime. I'm not in a rhythm and don't feel like I can get all my thoughts together in succinct sentences. I will have to be OK with that. It will come, and I will once again at some point down the road feel any sort of articulate. In the meantime, I won't have much to post here. See you soon blogland...

Truth to Tell

2008-03-26T21:58:00.002-05:00

So there's this book that I have been reading and the others I know that are reading it agree that this compilation of works is undoing us. It is simply called Bread and Wine- Readings for Lent and Easter and is a compilation of over 50 authors.

Lent and Easter are both over, but I am still very much in the middle of the whole of it because of this book.

I will share some with you. There's no dramatic conclusion or tie in with thoughts from me. It's just what has been forming me lately.

From a writing titled Truth to Tell by Barbara Brown Taylor....

This is the opening quote: We say we want to forget the world, but in the depths of our hearts we do not be forgotten by it.- Francois Fenelon

Uh, yep if the truth were told, I am found out by that statement.

Then she writes this:

In regard to the crucifixion: "One of the many things this story tells us is that Jesus was not brought down by atheism and anarchy. He was brought down by law and order allied with religion, which is always a deadly mix."

Then there's this from Jean-Pierre Caussade about surrender:
"Finding the heart pure, trampled and holding nothing back, he communicates his will fully to it, because his love has given it an infinite capacity by emptying it of all created things and making it capable of union with God. O heavenly purity! O blessed emptying! O unreserved submission!...I do not need to add or subtract anything,nor to seek after or mull over anything. It is for you, Lord, to regulate everything: direction, humiliations, sanctification, perfection and salvation- all are your business Lord. Mine is to be satisfied with your work and not to demand the choice of action or condition, but to leave everything to your good pleasure."

Amen and Amen

1800/1480

2008-03-24T22:34:00.002-05:00

I'm a dietitian...remember? Yeah, sometimes I forget too. Well any dietitian and most everyone else out there who has ever done anything related to fitness would know that consistent exercise increases your metabolism. This means you would be able to burn fat at a higher rate. Side note....muscle has the capacity to burn calories but fat just sits there. Conclusion: building muscle increases your metabolism. Anyway, moving on. I know that this is true but had always just kind of treated it more like a theory that maybe could be disproved or at least didn't apply to me.

Well, recently I have had the longest stint in my life (after the age of 8) without consistent exercise. I feel it and know it and hate it. I also have this little machine at work called a MedGem. It measures resting metabolic rate. This tells a person how their metabolism is doing. This number would increase as you become more fit (build muscle) which means it will decrease with the opposite. This number is usually used to determine a calorie level for weight maintenance/weight loss. So, in theory, if you eat the same # of calories as your RMR, you should be able to loose weight slowly but for sure maintain your weight.

I measured mine about 6 months ago... and now...is is 320 calories less. That sucks which means I walked and then ran some and then did some pilates and I will never be able to stop for 6 months again...ever...until maybe I'm 80 and who the hell cares.

Bad Idea

2008-03-16T21:49:00.004-05:00

What was a bad idea you ask?

Opening the beef jerky that has mysteriously been on the floor of my room for over a week. It hadn't been opened and I think it was Sara's (who's room is across the hall). I'm guessing something random her mom gave her. I noticed it and thought about how much I loved John's beef jerky growing up (neighbor). I'm not sure I've ever told him that. I've only probably had it twice but it stuck in my head regardless and made me open this package tonight. It was mistake, as tonight's beef jerky was kind of slimy and too sweet. I will always be suspicious of beef jerky (as any sane person would be) from here forward.

That made me think of so many other things that I have limited exposure or experience with (like the beef jerky) but they leave a memory or a mark or something significant that matters. The first 2 things that come to mind are 2 different statements made to me, one in the 9th grade and 1 last year that both dramatically affected my perception of myself. Neither scenario was ever repeated or consistent in my life and neither was intended to do the damage that it did. Both were 1 time, 1 shot, and done....enemy grabs it, and I believe a lie which takes years to unravel and rewire....or perhaps is still being rewired.

It makes me think that memories are such fickle things and that the enemy is real but will always be found out. Memories can be so glorious, sometimes too glorious, and they can be comforting and even refreshing. But they can be so brutal; beating us up over and over and over for no good reason it seems.

On another note, I led a discussion at church on the components of missional DNA this morning for almost 2 hours with my pants unzipped. All the girls were sitting in each side of me and they would've told me, so if anyone noticed it would've been the guys, none of which I know well enough that I would expect them to tell me. But, if they really understood missional DNA they would've told me. Ok, maybe unzipped pants has nothing to do with missional movements but it should, dang it, it should.

Here's how it should go:
1. Jesus is Lord
2. Disciple Making
3. Missional-Incarnational Impulse
4. Apostolic Enivronments
5. Organic Systems
6. Communitas not Communities
7. No One Left Unzipped

If anyone who was there this morning reads this, it could actually have some meaning in the context of Will's analogy of the Apostolic, Prophetic, Evangelistic gifts working with the Pastoral, Teaching gift being like a zipper. But for me, it just means you should always find someway to tell someone their pants are unzipped if you notice it.

Top 10

2008-03-06T21:17:00.002-06:00

Top 10 Reasons this was one of my favorite weeks of life....

10. Flying to Colorado instead of driving

9. A jacuzzi so hot that when I got out my lips stuck to my Starbucks ice cream bar like a tongue on a flagpole and actually worrying that all the skin in my lips might rip off

8. Watching my dad laugh really hard at my lips stuck to my ice cream bar like a tongue on a flagpole while I kick him for laughing at me.

7. Listening to my mom say emphatically, "Do not pull it off, you will rip all the skin on your lips off. Do not try to pull it off. Do not move," making me laugh harder and drool come out the sides of my mouth with my lips still stuck to the ice cream bar. (don't worry, I'm ok and have all of my lips intact)

6. Listening to my mom ask every single person we were ever in a confined space with what they thought of the elections AND what they thought of Obama followed with all the reasons they should like Obama.

5. Discussing 1% vs Skim milk with my mom for over 5 minutes in the grocery store and watching her "secretly," try to switch the skim for the 1% when I wasn't looking.

4. Dropping my favorite Patagonia glove off the lift 2nd run up in the only part of the lift to which I couldn't ski. The only time in 20 years of skiing that I didn't clip them to my jacket...I think I've always secretly thought people who did that were so irresponsible and careless. I am now one of them.

3. This scenario that followed:
- My dad telling me to take off my skis and go get the glove
- Stepping into powder up to my waist still at least 8 ft away from the glove
yelling back at my dad, "see, I told you it was too deep. I could die just for
a glove and it would be your fault."
- Dad responding: "you can get it, keep going, but stay close to a tree so you
can pull yourself out."
- I'm laughing too hard to go further saying, "Dad this is stupid, I'll buy
myself new gloves."
- After I'm out of the waist deep powder, he says, "I still think you could get
it."

2. Brother-in-law learning to ski...no description necessary

1. Finding out after the greatest day of skiing ever that I got into Fuller Theological Seminary's MA in Global Leadership program (online) which starts March 31st...actually hiding my cell phone from my mom who wanted to listen to the message on speaker phone over and over and over.

So yes, if I had to classify this week, I would definitely say it was one of my favorite. I have a small hope that if I don't go to sleep tonight then I won't have to wake up and go to work tomorrow and my week will just keep going...

Maybe watching the Office with all my roommates when I should be sleeping is the right thing to be doing right now as the grand finale.

30 Hours

2008-02-27T21:53:00.002-06:00

Let's take a little quiz friends.

What do you think I have done for over 30 hours in the past 2 weeks?

a. 30 hours of knitting?
b. 30 hour famine?
c. 30 hours reading holy scriptures?
d. 30 hours of riding my bike in the snow?
e. 30 hours of sleep?
f. none of the above

You're right, f. none of the above.

So what is the answer?

Let's just say, Charlie does indeed look a little like a rat, a cute one, but a little mousey. Jack is still my favorite at the end of Season 2. At the beginning of Season 3 is taking a weird turn and Ben is creepy-possibly giving me bad dreams. Kate and Sawyer just kissed and I have to admit, I have a soft spot for Hurley. I am Lost and would prefer not to be found until I am caught up and watching Season 4 on Thursday nights.

I think somewhere in the midst of giving up sugar for lent, I've allowed another less calorie filled, but equally addicting indulgence to take it's place. But at least I know this ends....eventually.

Weekends Should be 3 Days.

2008-02-18T17:20:00.006-06:00

I am a fan of shoes...too much of a fan at times. This weekend, I realized the soles have cracked on my favorite black flats. These are the work staple that have been well worn and well loved for over 4 years. This is the only shoe besides Rainbow sandals that have been worn this faithfully for this long. It was a sad day, but not difficult to replace. So I introduce the new black flat, more comfortable than any shoe I've ever worn to work...thank you Clarks.

Now for the best part of the weekend... This friends should happen at every wedding... really it should. May I proudly introduce to you Miss Crystal Henry serenading at Megan and Andy's wedding. Enjoy!

Something Funny and Love

2008-02-06T22:00:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking all week something funny would happen that I could blog about, but I can't remember anything funny that has happened that is 100% blog worthy.

So instead, I give you some words that have captivated me more than most in the recent months, and mean even more after just finding out that a broken marriage is going to make it. Be brave!

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything that it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more."
-Erica Jong

Oh Missouri....

2008-01-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

You never cease to amaze me rural Missouri.

I actually saw this sign today as I drove on highway 136 from Princeton Missouri today.

If you have a horse and buggy that needs to cross the street, don't you worry. There's a place for you in this world.

Passions Smashions

2008-01-27T23:26:00.000-06:00

I scared one of my rommates last night on accident, but it was so incredibly funny. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. That is both glorious since laughing is so good for the soul but also sad since it caused me to realize I don't laugh enough. I chuckle a lot or say "that's funny," but the all out uncontrolled belly laugh seems few and far between these days. Another reason I need to be reminded to lighten up.

One reason I haven't been laughing hard may be because I've been thinking about my passions lately, mostly as the frustration of feeling the suppression of them increases. This has been come and go, ebb and flow since about my senior year of college.

I liken my knowledge of nutrition as a Dietitian to what a plumber knows about toilets or a builder about bricks and concrete; rarely is this something that gets me on the edge of my seat. I'll admit, I do enjoy and don't mind answering people's questions but if we're really honest, this may just be me showing off that I know more than you. This feels to me what I was trained to do...my trade. There's nothing wrong with that at all. It really is an incredibly useful thing to know and I love sharing the knowledge with people so they can take care of themselves better, no doubt about that. I'm so incredibly thankful that I have a "trade." I have a way to make a decent living and the stability of such. On the same note, I'm realizing that gratitude no matter how strong is still not the same thing as passion. Other people's encouragement, accolades, or new opportunities outside of your passion don't seem to change this passion either. Darn.

I've been able to articulate to myself for quite sometime when asked what I'm passionate about, but it often doesn't make sense to others. In a word it is: Church. Most are understandably compelled to ask "what do you want to do in the church?" Answer: Help it.

I'm talking about The Church as in the whole body of believers- every tongue, tribe, nation, small, mega, simple, missional, organized, organic or ridiculous.

It was an interesting experiment to try to articulate what I'm passionate about by using a dictionary definition of passion.
pas·sion: [pash-uhn] –noun
1.any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
Love: healthy biblical community- healthy church; when Jesus is Lord; watching people find themselves and God in them; building into ministries and helping to equip, teach, train; forward movement; next steps; early adapters; watching people in their "sweet spot."
Hate (let's substitute frustrate instead of hate): when Church hurts; when Church sits still; when Church won't change; when change is feared instead of expected and welcomed; when Jesus is left out; nostalgics (in relation to inability to change).
2.strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
See above
3.strong sexual desire; lust.
N/A in relation to this context but expected to be relevant at some point in life as it relates to a male who puts a ring on my finger (and isn't freaked out by all of the above).
4.a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.
ex: today when I was reading about organizational vs adaptive leadership as it relates to church/missional communities/Jesus in the 21st century (feel free to wonder if that's normal--I assure you it is for me but possibly not for you)
5.the object of such a fondness or desire.
the people behind all of the above
6.an outburst of strong emotion or feeling
You can probably guess at this point.
7.violent anger.
maybe not violent, but definite anger in relation to #1

Broccoli or saturated fats are not on here friends...

What does this mean? Time will tell as God reveals, and unveils. Psalm 27:14 seems to be the annoyingly persistent scripture in this.
Why post this here for all to see you may wonder? I'm sure my mother is wondering...but the hope is to maybe get you thinking about your passions too. It is obvious even more this week to me that God-given passions will not go away, but they are often suppressed. This feels to me like a beach ball being held underwater. It can be pushed down but it will pop up and sometimes hits you in the face. It can be freeing to just call a spade a spade or a passion a passion and let God begin to have his way with it.

Lost

2008-01-15T18:14:00.000-06:00

Last I saw my lame, old, hand-me down, I hate texting on phone was on Sunday morning as Amy M and I were leaving our room at the retreat. I put it on silent and in my bag. Then Sunday night rolled around and I realized, either God gave everyone else the memo about my poor Sabbath keeping and no one's calling me, or my phone is still on silent, or better yet...I don't know where my phone is.

I still don't know where my phone is and you could be the 10th person to say "have you tried calling it," but that would just cause me to roll my eyes and repeat...it's on silent.

I told my boss yesterday. She said I was supposed to get switched over to her old smart phone today (Monday) or tomorrow (today) anyway so not a big deal.

Not a big deal that I lost the old, lame, hand me down phone (2 other users before me), I fully agree. But I still don't have the new hand me down phone. Does she realize that's my only phone?

In the car is usually when I talk to my dad. He does the same thing and it's always funny when we can hear each other's Maggie in the background (The title Maggie is another story). But not today...I haven't talked to my dad since Friday night (when they were in town). This may actually be a record and I'm not proud of it.

There's always that issue of what if I was hurt or in a wreck or cut my finger with a Global knife...if it happened right now, I'd be OK because I could send a Gchat message to my brother in law who is online, but if he get's off, then Jessica in Tulsa is my only hope.

But what if I just wanted to talk to someone? I think I'm actually having withdrawal from a cellular device....hmmm...this might be a good thing. This might be just what I needed, to be a little disconnected and a little out of touch with things that meet immediate needs. I might just have to think about something more than 5 seconds before telling them what I think or asking their opinion. Maybe...but probably not for long given I live with 3 others and I'm about to meet Susannah for coffee. OK, so I won't be that disconnected, but it is a valid realization and one I won't be taking lightly.

The moral of the story:
Be nice to your cell phone, don't lose it and don't call it lame or it may run away from home.

Shema

2008-01-13T16:10:00.000-06:00

Like I mentioned in the previous post, this year will be marked by my understanding of the Shema. This weekend I ended up at a very special day and half where the focus of the experience was Jewish roots of Sabbath. This came with the sharing of a Seder meal and all it's glorious symbolism. It just so happens that there is absolutely nothing Jewish,especially any understanding of the Passover that does not focus purely and intently on the Shema as this is the central and defining commandment by God to the Jewish people. All daily life hinges on this for a Jew. What will follow is the beginnings of the working out of my own understanding of the implications the Shema has on our lives. It is by no means complete or neatly packaged or without a potential loophole or two theologically. If this were something I were to teach, you can consider this the first draft notes, but something I will resist to edit and perfect as the desire is for it to form me beyond what knowledge alone can accomplish.

Enters the Shema

The Shema in short is Deuteronomy 6:4 "Hear O Israel, the Lord our Go, the Lord is One. The Message version says: Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! The whole Shema Yisrael comprises Deutoronomy 6:4-9, 11:13-21 and Numbers 15:37-41.

It is the bold and unadulterated call to make God the ONLY Lord of life.

The Shema is covenant loyalty. The Hebrew perspective can "conceive no part of the world that does not come under the claim of Yahweh's Lordship" (The Forgotten Ways-TFW). All of Jewish life was wrapped in the laws of the Torah which aimed to put every single element of life in order under God's commands.

Enters Jesus

The idea of Jesus is Lord is as central to the Gentiles as God the one and only was to the Jews. Jesus in Mark 12:29-31 restates to the Jewish leaders the Shema. This in essence becomes a significant part of the language of the New Covenant. This commandment which feels like home to the Jews becomes some of Jesus' first teaching. The Jesus that came to abolish all the framework from within the Jews lived uses that same frame for this new work which flings wide the doors to let everyone in on the promises of God (previously just for the Jews). Wow!

Now our loyalties are to be given to the Revealer- Jesus. He is the New Covenant. Monotheism previously was set up through the structure of the Torah as the means of One God, One Lord over all. Now, devotion, orientation to and around Jesus is the apex...the hub of how every detail of life is oriented around. The early church and any persecuted church understand this deeply and much more naturally then the Western church. The early church's claim of "Jesus is Lord" has the same implications of Israel's claim of one God as Lord in the Shema. The competing gods have just changed over time from Cannanite god's to Greco-Roman god's to god's of today such as romantic love, consumerism and self-help religion, food, (enter yours here), etc. Thus...

Remains the Shema

Jesus is Lord

Get Gone 2007

2008-01-06T23:00:00.000-06:00

It finally feels like I can move into 2008. I didn't feel like I could fully embrace 08 until this weekend was over which was a dear friend's wedding. It was a very special weekend with Kathleen and Matt, and I'm definitely a fan of the co-maid of honor gig. It was so great to have Crystal as a wingman!

Every year, I generally ask God to give me heads up about the upcoming year. It was actually the week of Christmas when I started reflecting on what might be a theme or challenge or hope or word for 2008. In the process however, it occurred to me that I was ready for 2007 to pack it's bags and go. It was a feeling a little like being with family where the amount of love, respect, depth, secure connection, fun, etc doesn't change the fact that sometimes you're just ready for them to go. Last year on New Year's day I spent the morning reading and journaling and asking the Lord about 2007. The penetrating feeling was that 2007 was going to be harder than the previous year. I remember holding the idea lightly with the Lord having a freeing feeling of waiting to see how it would pan out. Well, my idea about 2007 was most definitely correct and I feel very confident I did not lean into any sensationalism of my brief and defining insight from 1.1.07. It was not 1 hard thing, it was an ongoing refining, humbling, shaping and building into the core of my character marked by some significant moments that caused me to feel deeply, hurt deeply, and be profoundly thankful that God is God and I am not. It was frustrating at times of course, and I understood anger differently this year. But I can't remember a time when I didn't see evidence of God in it. Even if the evidence was God making my soul a little more naked so I would feel the effects of his breath on my life more profoundly, it still felt like God even if it was a little more cold and vulnerable than I'd perhaps chosen. It was even a very big gift to get a heads up about it on 1.1.07. But regardless, I'm finding there's still a little of me that just wants to kick 2007 in the shins. So I've kicked it out. I can't/won't forget it, but I'm moving on and walking away from you 2007. You've done enough and had your say.

As for 2008... It's the Hebrew Shema that I need to understand: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. Love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength.

Simple...not easy

This verse in first John has struck a deep chord as well and I'm getting the idea that it may take the whole year to make sense of it: Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God's place in your hearts.

Let's get going 2008, it's your turn.

Barkley

2007-12-19T19:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was called Barkley. It hasn't happened in quite awhile, but it has happened most of my life. I just walked off laughing because there was actually something a tad familiar about being called the wrong name. I grew up with a girl named Barkley. She was my sister's age. We went to the same church, swam on the same swim team and our parents were (are) BFF. So you can understand how many people would confuse Blakely and Barkley, although I don't ever recall anyone calling Barkley by my name.

There was one person in particular who spent my whole life desperately trying to get it right. He would look at me, think hard committed to not mess up this time and confidently say..."hello Barkley." I would laughingly say, "so close...Blakely," and he would seem defeated by the challenge and move on. Once I'd gotten to high school his daughters, embarrassed, could hardly bear to watch the process and would just tell him before he said hi that my name is Blakely. Eventually he stopped trying and would just say hello. I would say Blakely and he would say thanks.

It made me wonder how often I'm calling God by the wrong name. He's wishing we'd call him by Loving and Faithful or Good and Merciful or Abba and Shield. Instead, I think too often I'm calling him Maybe, Almost or If.

I'm pretty confident things would be different if we called him by his real name instead of his almost names.

Radio Shack Take 2

2007-12-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

So I published a post earlier today called Radio Shack. I was editing something, and I deleted it accidentally. Here's the part that was so awkward and funny during my trip for new headphones. The rest wasn't really necessary, but without this part, you wouldn't have any new ideas for small talk at Christmas parties.

RS: Enjoying the great weather? (sarcasm)
Me: Actually, I really love the snow
RS: Well, I race motorcycles so it cramps my style
Me: True, I'd like to be road biking
RS: That's hot
Me: (no comment) shrug, type in pin for debit card
RS: Is that a right handed ring?
Me: (thinking: it is on my right hand) Umm, I guess so but it's just from my parents
RS: Oh, well I heard about right handed rings one time and I wondered if that was one.
Me: OK...
RS: I heard of like mothers giving rings to their daughters with diamonds in them to use for their engagement ring or something like that.
Me: Oh, well not this one...
RS: OK cool.
Me: Have a good day.
RS: Yeah, you too.
(Exit Radio Shack thinking: what was that?)

Still don't know...

IBID

2007-12-03T21:59:00.000-06:00

Some people work hard to hide their ignorant moments and I admit, I don't mention plenty, but this friends, is worth sharing.

I tend to read books that have to do with God, religion, church, spiritual things, etc. Recently I've been proud of all the footnotes I've read. I've been noticing them, using them as further reading or resource, or to better understand a word/concept. In the past few books I kept noticing the source of "Ibid." Some of you are already laughing and others of you will have to keep reading to get it, but we won't tell. Anyway, as I came across this consistency in books of somewhat ancient text, my uninformed assumption was that Ibid was some profound, fundamental text that I am ignorant for not knowing about. I mean the kind of text that is so old and significant that it doesn't need any further explanation. So, in the most recent book I began, I saw the fateful reference of Ibid and thought "seriously, what's the deal with this?"

Of course, the most appropriate thing to do was to google it.

This is what I got:

Ibid. (Latin, short for ibidem, "the same place") is the term used to provide an endnote or footnote citation or reference for a source that was cited in the preceding endnote or footnote. It is similar in meaning to idem (meaning something that has been mentioned previously; the same [1]) abbreviated "Id.," which is commonly used in legal citation.

To find the ibid. source, one has to look at the reference right before it, and so ibid. serves a similar purpose to ditto marks (〃, ", do.).

WOW! I am amazing. If only my English teacher could see me now! Did I mention I tested out of college English? Obviously, I missed some things!

He Would...

2007-12-03T07:18:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I woke up feeling frustrated and urgent towards people who needed to be prayed for. This isn't an overtly common theme for me (unfortunately) so I was paying attention. Frustrated in the sense that I didn't feel like my prayers alone would avail much and felt this needed to be a group effort on their behalf and wasn't sure that would have a place in the day. Urgent in the sense that this is part of the Kingdom that is here and a chance for the Kingdom not here yet to meet it...that there be someone to fight for them. It just seemed that these people needed to be bolstered by community. It somehow didn't feel right or enough for me just to wake up and offer heartfelt sentiments on their behalf, but a group coming together directly on behalf of this interesting combination of people I vaguely refer to never formed throughout the day. That might have been a reflection to my lack of gumption in the matter, but it also occurred to me that God had potentially ordered the whole day for these few. From the moment I woke up in having an urgency toward prayer, to it being the central theme at 61, to a dear friend expressing her desire to just be with God, and on to time at a coffee shop with a friend who is beautifully anticipating meeting God in prayer in a totally new way this week, to Amy's pressing into the ideas of asking at The Gathering all the way through to this morning. In looking back, the way God ordered it all seemed like He is fighting for them most definitely, as it appears there was much more community gathered, bolstering, praying, hashing out the ideas of fighting for people than I realized or anticipated. I'm thankful for what God is building into the community around me and as an extension of the vision for what a people who pray would accomplish in the Kingdom. And then there's this....

Daily Light: December 3, morning reading-
I would seek God and to God I would commit my cause.
Is anything too hard for the Lord? Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Case all your care upon Him, for he cares for you.
Hezekiah received the letter from the hand of the messengers and read it; and Hezekiah went up to the house of the Lord, and spread it before the Lord. The Hezekiah prayed to the Lord.
"It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.
I love the Lord, because He has heard My voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call upon him as long as I live.
Job 5:8;Gen 18:14; Psalm 37:5; Phil 4:6; 1 Pet 5:7; Isa 37:14-15; Isa 65:24;James 5:16' Psalm 116:1-2.

He would be just that lavish enough to take us on a grand journey even though just another Sunday... and I didn't even have to ask.

Kona Ironman

2007-12-01T16:30:00.000-06:00

I'm watching the Ironman...I told Sara I'd meet her at Leawood City Park to play in the rain with some others but I haven't been able to stop watching. It just so happens that for the past 3 year's I've happened upon the Ironman race in Hawaii on TV. I always cry. Without fail, I always cry when I'm watching it. I am totally captive to the commentator telling of their stories and the writers who celebrate these people's stories and accomplishments. One of the best parts is they give the same if not more attention to the incredible stories of the "age groupers" as they do the professionals. And then, as if it wasn't good enough already Gumption from The Holiday soundtrack starts playing in the background. Of course that beautiful creation by Hans Zimmer should be the soundtrack to such a race.

2.4 mile swim
115 mile bike
26 mile run

I only know the parts written into the script of this event, and there's thousands of stories that aren't getting told that we'll never know. I'm going to tell you about the ones they did tell and you I hope you can feel better about the world when you finish reading.

The winner was Chris McCormack. He placed 2nd last year and has had quite an ego battle with his main competitor, last year's champion. I can't even remember his name but he was not my favorite person. I liked Chris better. The other guy unfortunately couldn't keep any fluids down and was out during the bike.

Chrissy Wellington placed 1st for the women. This was her first Ironman.

Last year's winner from Switzerland had a bike wreck and broke her collar bone. She was so strong and beautiful. I was sad for her. Her coach was also her life partner and made her stop racing.

Charlie Plaskon is blind and in his 60's he crossed the finish line with his guide and 4 grandchildren. In one of the interviews he said,"you can stay secure in your job or in your retirement or you can go pick up a challenge." Get it Charlie!!

Lolly Rodgers 65 years old, a great grandma who won her age group. Her doctor told her she had to stop running due to arthritis, but she said she plans to beat her time next year.

Scott Rigsby lost both his legs in a car wreck about 15 years ago. He's got double prosthetics. The commentator plays up the drama by repeating again that you have to finish by midnight to be an Ironman. Scott is an Ironman.

Lisa Bentley has cystic fibrosis and chooses Carter to cross the finish line with her. Carter has CF too and they met through Make a Wish Foundation.

Brian Boyle was in a car wreck with severe injuries taking months, actually years to heal. He's in his 20's. At one point in the hospital he was ready to give up and his family was afraid he would. His dad talked him out of it and things started to turn around. But this race to Brian's mom will confirm for her that Brian is back and will not give up on life.

Rutger Binky is a professional who placed 4th last year. This year he's been walking for 4 hours of the marathon. Most professionals drop out when they know they will not finish in good time to avoid embarrassment. The winner is showered and having dinner but Rutger "doesn't think it's respectful to the age groupers to quit when it's just not going your way." He finishes 898th.

If you don't get off your bike by 5:30 you are not able to start the run. That means someone has to be there to enforce the rules and tell people they are finished. I don't know the name of who that man, was but I appreciate him. He was so sweet and caring and gave such patient hugs when he had to disappoint the 57 year old teacher from Japan who misses the cut off by 3 seconds and the 70 year old woman who misses it by less than 1 minute. She is absolutely precious and it seems she is disappointed but grateful for that sweet man standing there with her. It is obvious from her demeanor that she is a combination of gumption and deep heart.

These are all the stories I can remember. These people are amazing. I no longer feel like complaining about being tired.