bittersweet release

2009-06-12T23:42:00.003-04:00

An Exercise for Writers Block and Boredom

1.
To experiment
With a form which is unknown
This is the whole point

2.
Poet's exercise:
Playing with the syllables
Letters meet numbers

3.
Static from speakers
Listening to the divine
Sending messages

4.
My wallet is empty
Sugar daddy come find me
My pride can be masked

5.
Too lazy to read
Although it would behoove me
The pages: heavy lids

6.
She stares with eyes green
Furry, filled with attitude
Feline Royalty

7.
A painted body
An outline leading to truth
Read her limbs and breathe

8.
Sentimental fool
You should know better by now
The heart wants it all

9.
Stars meant for wishing
They're wasted on folly
Luck is lost on me

10.
All is said and done
Ten Haiku's to exercise
My pen and my palette

2009-06-06T22:05:00.002-04:00

For a Friend ... and to My Lovers

I want someone or something to rest beside me without regret or hesitation
a second thought to be stricken from any record
a hollowed ground to land upon and rest within
                                                  The only illusion is illusion itself
Where my backbone is the cornerstone to all that makes this shit spin
and while I'm spinning
I trust
destined to fall upon soft ground

We misplace truths
only to rely on fiction
for some false sense of comfort
Bending ourselves
our bodies
our beliefs

This canvas is imperfect and beautiful in spite of that reality
With a past so thick with indecision
it's hard to move forward
                                                  To believe in hearts beating for you
                                                  toward you
                                                  near you
                                                  due to the breath you've wasted
                                                  and laid upon others
Partially reluctant
I lose myself in the myriad
Actively reminded
yet denying the reminder
All in one silent attempt to find reason within denial

I have travelled
by ship and sea and star
Blinded by the light life often emanates
With every failure that light bleeds brighter
Strapping the weight of worlds created to my insides
I march on
never dimming
Dispatched to dictate madness through lyrics declared as Scripture
knowing my luck in Love is nothing shy of brilliant strategy

With all the twists and turns
how do you disregard the heart
      -the rhythm that keeps your soul in step with the universe
Many have tried
but failed
Learn to accept
      -the truest triumph is the failure itself
For if we never leapt
we would simply be standing still
                                                  Gravity: what comes up
                                                  will come down
However
the risk of letting go of ones heart
transcends science

2009-05-01T01:02:00.000-04:00

Side Stepping

I am amped & annihilated
beaming from the outside in
Backwards and browbeaten
Whips & chains
castrating pieces of me

No ones Penelope
Precious to none
I am nothing
yet everything
Misplaced

I actively seek reason
within a web
where answers cannot be found
I m naked & uncovered
cowering
Where do we go from here?
even up is not an option
I back peddle
screaming words of Love & redemption
requesting validation
when even validity has lost its allure
I am speechless & denied
I am loud & undermined

We cast ourselves
far wide & wise
Reaching for stars
that are already ours

Spinning circles
We are no more
but
we are no less
The lesser of the two:
me versus you
How do we move forward?
when only one wants to move on

2009-04-12T23:48:00.000-04:00

The Clown Show

In the midst of captivity
         dissolved in resolution
               you left long before I leapt
With footsteps depicted so profoundly
         existed stories of limitless abyss
               amongst shattered glass and picture frames
                                      Simply characters on a canvas

              (I find myself on repeat)
             Forever broken and bleeding

I asked you to go
                         or
I asked you to stay
My instructions ill-fated
                          muddled
You abandoned me
          Betrayed yourself
          Punishing us both

                                         Still
I grasp at some trembling hand
         Some heaving breast
               torn by indecision
     I wrestled with a beast you cannot afford to recognize
                       Nor would you possess the strength

                                  All the while
You sit still
         unshaken
               numb and uncompromised
You feign resistance
         convincing us both of too many tall tales told

The lesson in those lies:
         The ‘lost’ slowly equating to - just another coward
         Cowering behind a disguise
A friend
         I know now
My foe

I placed myself before you
                      or rather
You always came before me
          no matter how pristine my presentation
          you doubted my worth
          my meaning
We clung to an illusion
                            or
                            perhaps it was only I

It takes a fool to rush in
           yet a clown to stay the course
My face still ignorantly painted
                                                 the crowd is no longer laughing

2009-03-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

Scribbles

I live alone
inside myself
Dedicating the better parts of me
to the lost and better off forgotten
I am strong
for all of the wrong reasons
Feeling responsible
for everything
Yet acknowledged by nothing
Some ill fated attempt at character suicide
I took a step back
Hoping your wrists and limbs could carry me
My weight
a burden no one is willing to admit
too heavy
We disengage
Barricading that which feeds me
leaving me parched
and incandescent
I cannot sleep to dream
for the sake of reality

2009-02-26T21:26:00.001-05:00

Pieces of the Past

She realigns her limbs
Displaying affection for all the world
As if sin was in style
and penetration was for sale
She allows the spotlight to accentuate the mis-steps
Pirouetting her way into the forgotten

Love is an addiction
she can no longer afford
For the price cannot be distinguished by numbers
and letters have been known to betray her
She earmarks the memories
as they slip away

Demonstrating madness
she slams into familiar territory
and finesses the mess before her
Serenading the remains
of this truncated misfortune

Wipe away the unwanted
and get on with it already
Life is for the living
the Lost get left behind

2009-01-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

Limitless Abyss

She knows no limit

Driven
Stewed deep within omen and obstacle
                   she can manipulate
however finds truth in its antithesis
For life is not meant to be orchestrated
                   The crescendos we reach on our own in unmeasured time

While her body and mind distract
                   her heart: redirects the lost and keeps the wondrous ones at bay
She treads lightly now on the bridges she’s rebuilding
her manifest destiny broken beneath her bare feet

She carries on
                   What else would you have her do

In untimely progression
she bares witness to the wake she leaves behind
An unending sea
raging with passion and envy
crashing against possibility and scenarios of what might have been
With this perspective:
                   on the calm side of the chaos
all that exists is what is
                   What might have been surely seems diluted

True to form
she still walks the thinnest line
                   Testing waters
contemplating wading
for a ship that leaves her sunk

She stands up
                   Allowing her tears to fall
Heartbroken
but better in the end
Significant to a fault

What can be broken and truly repaired?
                   We transcend machinery
                   Yet the shell, so delicate
even a mended heart is battered
barring scars to tell it’s tale
She leaves doors unlatched and words unspoken
                   Rhyme and reason were never a good match anyway
                   Making do with one
she releases reason

There is safety in numbers and comfort in between
Magnificent in her own unraveling
she knows what she is
but wonders if anyone else can see

Green for Not Much Green: Testing

2009-01-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

Green for Not Much Green: Testing

2008-09-16T22:25:00.002-04:00

Unspoken

Words like thick rigid glass pierce straight through me
I used to drink you
Wholly
Holy Holy Holy
                      Farce

I attempt an escape into tonight’s rising moon
and recognize a galaxy filled with constellations
better left denied

My skin crawls with omission
When did truth become transparent?
If words are left unspoken
do we then deny action
or how about the lack thereof?
Or better still: the bold and the blatant

Responsible for no one
we take for granted
                                   LOVE
Something I’m beginning to recognize I am the sole defender of

I fight
and claw
while my emotions dance about
Making me the jester
in a court I no longer belong to
     -I bare witness
But the stakes are no longer the same

We can recount our scorecards
deciphering who’s to blame
                      But for what?

I broke down and rebuilt a broken masterpiece
I chose: Us
While you bided your time
you brushed against another’s naked skin
All the while
knowing
you were breaking the broken

A foolish girl behind a fading counter
I awaited your arrival
Ready to turn the page
Willing to go left if you forced my hand
Wanting to go right

Disguised
Unrevealed
Better left unsaid
One step forward
                 Three steps back

We carry on

This beat beneath my chest desires a rhythm
I no longer know if you deserve
The ache, which sweeps over my entirety
has your handy-work attached to its price tag
with a fee of unyielding uncertainty
I cannot fear what is yet to come

They say knowledge is power
                                                Now I know

2008-08-14T02:49:00.001-04:00

Heavy

I built a world out of lead
-on shaky ground
yet still question my heavy heartedness
I wish for same-page something
& find short hand non-sequiturs that don’t add up
When I am finally standing still
-breathing you
(surrounded by chaos)
you are running circles around (on) me
Or perhaps it is my orbit
that leaves you weightless
and the gravity you once wished for
is that which you now deny

I scribble
maddened
(once again relatively muted)
I let the days play out
never knowing fluidity
What once was comfort
is now un-trusted
-untrusting

My peace is present
all the while the biggest piece of me is growing cold
like stone
in a jacket pocket
weighing the foundation
like lead
Heavy
-hearted
Slowly breaking (after I finally found my way back) down

2008-07-23T00:36:00.003-04:00

Unfinished...

With every aching moment
my life moves in and out of focus
When concept and practice fist fight
-- gloves off --
I am left broken
with a bleeding heart
swollen from exposure

I play with old flames
and finally I've learned...
I will get burned
I invite the 3rd degree

What we wish to be
and what we are
are too often not one in the same

Words are my one defense
the ally I claim
Filling the void you choose not to
Yet you disarm me
disengage
walking some fine line
silencing me
without response

I can give you answers
to questions
but only if you're listening

I can give you reasons
for believing
but only if you want to

I can finally give you
what you have asked for
but only to take it for granted

I lie beside eskimos and sand
breathing deeply
bleeding deeply
swollen and aching

Questioning you

2008-07-05T09:51:00.000-04:00

Westside Rendezvous

Snapshots from days gone by
          parade the exterior
   -I meet you-
Declaring the middle of America
          the half way point
between what was
          & what might have been
I dance circles around you
          while you silently sit still
We leave agendas to those
          better suited for desk jobs
          in high rises
Carrying on
          speaking in a language which requires
          only lips & limbs
I find myself penetrating
          and missed
          if only for the moment
   -We move forward-
Naked in my solitude
          I find strength in this
          dysfunctional romance
I am calm
          Perhaps the storm has yet to break
          Or perhaps it has already broken

2008-06-03T19:36:00.000-04:00

Lassoing the Stars

Perhaps I hung the moon while you weren’t looking
crediting someone else
placing stars in your palm
then soft shoeing off stage right

Time passed – Life lingered and continued – Love? – Without warning: fantasy met reality

You fought for fantasy
Is that what you’ve chosen to believe?
Is this the final verdict?
Feeding me honesty and sincerity
til’ I’m choking on this familiar taste
We planted trees out west
and watched them wither from afar
I tried to believe
consuming barren fruit
allowing your poison to run back into my veins
knowing change is a tricky Catch 18
You whispered words of sorrow and regret
retribution delivered in such a Precious package

Can one be blind yet still see?

I buried you
your bones: replanted into my richest soil
thirsty and parched
I gave you more than you really noticed

I needed time

In the end
there you are again:
Dr. Jekyll
revealing
Mr. Hyde

I am the fool who fell-- Lassoed the stars – Awoke alone

Even still
convinced fantasy and reality are one in the same

2008-05-08T20:14:00.000-04:00

Modern Medicated Science

I fail to recognize the face behind the glass
Suddenly
Stunningly apropos
the etymology of façade
is the only thing certain
Crystal clear
Blinding
On the surface: ink & flesh & paint & pen
I keep trying to lacquer over the ugly parts
The aesthetic appears to be perfect
but underneath it all…

This aching mirrors the ancient lament of the Grecian goddess’ that came before me
My heart swells
My veins pulsate
My breath
Shallow

I swallow hard
while the chemical digestion makes way within me
melting & swirling
Erasing my delicate nuances
I become a tiny white milligram

Crumbling
Torn open
Left bruised and broken
with an open wound
refusing to heal

I cannot face this face
I am seeking answers to riddles yet written
Knowing
I know
nothing

2008-03-31T00:47:00.001-04:00

Fading Fantasy

I get lost in ancient text
Finding hieroglyphics more familiar
than this flesh upon my bone
When did Love become an alternate world
A fantasy written
in tenses we later refer to
Reflecting upon the way things were
to explain and assess the present broken infrastructure

Our words: were gospel: you should know that

Babylon became second nature
Writing itself
in rhyme & paradigm
You laid your pen to rest
and placed my heart beside it

Prince or Pauper
Fact or Fiction
Human or Divine
I married you years ago
and you gave me the freedom to walk away

but my faith remains: permanently etched: racing through my veins

If it crumbles
I still believe
If it survives
I know who holds the key

Fantasy is a lonely place when it comes to Love

2008-02-27T19:53:00.001-05:00

Concrete Devotional

I roam these city streets
turning corners
meeting faces
          They allow me to safely brush past you each day
In a stare
    In a smirk
In a sigh
          I relive nothing
Creating an out of sight
    out of mind
                           Universal
   Cerebral
                           Truth
Not alone and unafraid
my friends upon my back
          in books and rhymes
              We cross-town:
                           L Train
Playing with the faces
Dancing to the blue-light friction
Subway rail
          Electricity
My constitution shifts with my hips
Up
    &
      Over
The numbers rise
as this outlined grid whirls around me
Underground spilling onto some
bumble bee lined Avenue
I find the crowds do not crowd me
and I walk alone among the masses

       Dylan in my left ear reminding me I can have my cake and eat it too all the while Dylan in my right urging me to press pen to page and ache on lovelorn paper

Passing possibility
Praying for the path to provide a time and divide
which justifies the downfall
          I walk barefoot
              still bleeding
Hopeless and holding on to something I cannot see
Yet
It will not falter
          In a city that never sleeps
          It is good to dream

2008-02-03T23:12:00.000-05:00

Ghost

She falls asleep
beside some vague
reminder
Some ancient past
she has once again
unearthed
A life once led
yet forgotten
Smelling the familiar skin
she skims the surface of a lie she left behind
Walking upon eggshells
in hopes to not disturb the hopeless
All the while
replaying anthems long overdue
and out of tune

I find myself naked
alone
and frozen
Praying for forgiveness
Pleading with a disease
The right
is not mine
or yours
Neither is the wrong
Yet our will:
mine to weep
yours too strong
Painfully we remain mistaken
aimlessly ashamed

When
did the dreaming die…

2007-12-28T04:51:00.000-05:00

Where Did We Go Wrong

Questioning ones self:
A plight
or human condition?

If I walked on water
wouldn’t I wind up exactly where I am?

Where am I?
          Not standing in any one place

I am decorated with a past
thick like quick sand
paralyzing me
from a heart that has reached full capacity

I replay
I rewind
I recycle
I regurgitate
Old words and familiar fantasy

I feel you touch me
and
I feel you touch me
and
I feel you touch me

Tonight
rain on my face
a liquid beauty
You intoxicate me without a sip

I wonder
          Where did we go wrong?

Tonight
A seaside exclamation
sand still spills from a shoe
that since has walked upon snow

I wonder
          Where did we go wrong?

Tonight
A club scene backdrop
your knee against my heartbeat
we do “coy” injustice

I wonder
          Where did we go wrong?

I melt into the many molds I’ve known
finding nothing

Shapelessness
          Unfamiliar and alone

2007-12-24T01:39:00.000-05:00

Faulty Wiring

                                GIRL
               “Remember that time we fell in love?”
                              (beat)
               “That was a lot of fun…”
                              BOY
               “It was magical”

It came and went
No returns
No money back
No customer satisfaction guarantee
We take risks
when we play with chance
in hopes that our chances
don’t run the risk of factory default
And I suppose
buying top of the line
only paves the way for a greater degree of disappointment
leaving us with more to lose
If we invest in the broken
we should expect trouble
A rapid decline in performance
can’t take the consumer off guard
The proof is in the pudding
The blueprint may be one of a kind
but truth be told
the parts are simple
sticks and stones
that break my bones
       and words …

       Will leave you wanting
                                                               My torment is not yours
                                                               Your torment is not mine
                                                               Still, you torment me
                                                     Tickling my insides so violently
                                                               Leaving me raped
                                                               Unaccompanied and
                                                               Restlessly aware

                           (FADE TO BLACK)

2007-11-20T17:37:00.000-05:00

Glimmer

I chased a sunset out West tonight
Leaving behind a cold and pale New York
I watched the colors fade
And found myself in Austria
Some foreign fortress granting me shelter
During a time
In a place
Where the language escaped me

While the burning blue rests heavily between
      The fading gray
And an orange mixed on a palette heavy with deep hues of red

I am a blatant voyeur

I find myself juxtaposing time
All the while
Embracing the distance
    You cannot run fast enough
    When it is easy to see you’ve been left behind

A lifetime ago
I sat still
The sunsets—they chased me

My deep blues allowed the oranges and reds to filter through my green disposition

Seeking nothing from no one
I let light in because…
What the world wants—the world gets

Only now I sit and reminisce
While two worlds collide
I chase sunsets across a continent
Stubbornly
    Still believing

       I will not be left behind

2007-10-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

Blue

I dove in...
       deep end
Feet first
Now...
       I'm drowning
In over my head
My lungs
Filled with something
    Foreign
    Unfamiliar
    Diluted
Depleting my ability
   To breathe
   To think
   To stay still
I'm collapsing from the inside out
My body
Surrounded
but alone
I'm numb
Somewhere between a state of frozen and inferno
I stop flailing
Inhale
One last ounce

            ... blue

2007-10-10T17:42:00.000-04:00

Paper Press

I don't allow my pages to press
Face to face
Side to side
For fear the words will blend
The ink will bleed
Telling secrets to strangers
Cleverly disguised between lines
You cannot deny reality
There is certainly no room to cower behind fiction
My search for shame
Leads my pen to a blank page
Each time I require reminder
This is truth
And whoever said truth equals beauty:
I'd like a word with
Perhaps beneath the layers of
greed
and
doubt
confusion
destruction
frustration
desolation
and
fear
Then there...
Beneath all of that
You may find hidden truth
Hidden beauty
But I'll tell you what I see
The capsized illusion of a ship that since sailed
With only two good hands, ink and skin
To rebuild this empty vessel
To re-tell a tale already written
Yet forgotten due to time

2007-09-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

Preacher

Like some petrified opus
I ached to bloom
To molt the last eighteen-hundred days
The fire escape acted as my pedestal
Letting smoke and ash penetrate my insides
I unleashed the torture
I released the freeze
Suddenly uninhibited to speak gospel
I was your maestro
My secrets
No longer kept quiet
As easy as they came… I wept
No restraints
My paralyzed heart and mind
Corrupting your ideals
I have two feet to walk on
But only half a mind to know which way’s right
Or left
What’s left?
A broken messiah
Who seeking herself
The frozen tundra of my soul
Cannot house the homeless
However I am not home un-less
My heart coexists
With the key
The answer
To the question
My mind refuses to reveal

2007-09-25T20:10:00.000-04:00

Heart Broken Banter

How does one
    like me
Write herself out of a corner
If I try
The walls come tumbling down
A myriad of memories attack my nimble limbs
And ask my heart to do the impossible
                       Beat...
Pumping lines of lies into hollow arteries
    that have forgotten how to dance
My world cannot move without music
You refuse to speak
Or I cannot listen
All other decibels could never be so sweet
I seek melodic hypnosis
In rhyme schemes so complex they are subtle
    yet contradictory
Like you
Like me without subtlety
I find myself detesting platitudes with a fierce mix of
    passion and envy
For all those times I dismantled my world
My sanctimonious reality
Is now the one I wish to worship
I want to lay out all the pieces and assemble
                     Masterpiece...
I tear at the twice too many wounded breast
Perhaps opening her up to oxygen & air
To this polluted city
To this farce I call home
Perhaps she will mend with the stench of something uglier
Than this doubt
    and self deprivation

2007-09-04T22:58:00.000-04:00

My Subway Sonata

I moved five steps back
without looking
Willingly
I leapt
Faithlessly unafraid
I swallowed someone else’s pride
Took a deep breath
and have denied my own right to exhale ever since
I weep with reason
But I cannot wash this stain away
I ache with intention
Each stumble and struggle
Is meant to remind me
The reminders are crippling my friends
My broken body screams
Seeking for explanation
Which my heart no longer has the will to rationalize
What’s the point in building bridges
If you have no feet to walk upon them?

My hands are no longer tied ... they are paralyzed