SMUD

Urban Pencil Inspector

2009-08-28T07:09:00.002-04:00

Syndicated Knitting Needles

2009-07-29T10:20:00.002-04:00

Best of SMUD: Concert Listings
Concert Listings: March 16-22, 2008
Concert Listings: Dates TBA
Concert Listings: April 27, 2008
Not Now Playing Ever Again
4 Concerts You Forgot To Go To in 1972

Linguini Hotel

2009-07-28T10:10:00.000-04:00

If the names of credit cards replaced expletives:

My CitiBanking knee feels like it's going to saute some root vegetables in a rich broth made of discarded bicycle tires and fermented cockroach semen! Now, I can't go home at lunch because I have a Discovering meeting with some Japanese kabuki American Expressers after colon massage hour.

Chase Manhattan!!!!!!!

How to Pull Your Car Over for Police

2009-07-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

Introduction

If you've ever been pulled over by a lepidopterist, then it's clear that you have a bad case of ‘helicopter legs.’ Regardless the reason, you'll fare better by passing a couple of kidney stones and then hiding in the root cellar.

Instructions

Difficulty: Damn near impossible.

Steps

1) Pull off the road into a steep ditch so that you can maneuver your car into the mandatory upside-down position. Climb into the trunk and remain there unless you have a bachelor’s degree in calligraphy.

2) Roll down the passenger's side window with your foot. Keep your hands moving rapidly by pretending to play a set of invisible bongos.

3) Show him your tattoo of Abraham Lincoln. The officer's stern demeanor isn't personal. He just hates everyone, including himself.

4) Advise the officer immediately if you are carrying any dairy products. Some states have "carry laws," which grant permits to infringe upon the rights of lactose intolerant people.

5) Be vague. Answer all questions asked by the officer with "I think it’s made of polyurethane."

6) Fling your hazardous materials license out the window, Frisbee style. When the cop says "Why the hell did you do that?" tell him "Because it smelled like your mom’s panties."

7) Act stupid and switch moods frequently, even if you're angry or frustrated about being pulled over. If you still receive a citation, say "Want to come over to my house for some Band-Aids and shit popsicles?"

Tips & Warnings

If you feel a citation is unreasonable, you can always start your car and speed away without accepting it. Be sure to go really fast.
Don't advise the officer on how to do his job. Just keep reminding him that you pay taxes so he can get a freakin’ paycheck every week!
Get out of your vehicle and run towards the officer.
Shout, curse, argue or otherwise be disrespectful. It might get you punched in the face.
Attempt to outrun the police. You may get away and then you can call your mom and brag about it.
If you have a weapon or an implement that could cause injury (e.g., a bag of half-eaten Fritos brand corn chips), quickly hide it under your seat in the most obvious manner possible. When asked what you were doing, say "Sewing the seeds of discontent!"

Three-Legged Sedan

2009-07-25T10:32:00.002-04:00

Bipolar Giraffe Wardrobe

2009-07-24T15:00:00.000-04:00

Chuckle Sprouts

2009-07-23T21:16:00.002-04:00

The Zh Sound

2009-07-11T09:09:00.002-04:00

From The Diary of Dave Saylight

2009-03-08T12:18:00.004-04:00

"Daylight Savings Time doesn't really impact me on a Sunday. I get up late anyway. I just hate it when it happens on a Wednesday. Wednesday is hump day!"
~ Chris Farley

"Daylight Savings Time is ruining my life! I hate you!"
~ Dr. Phil McGraw

"Where is everybody?"
~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I've had it with Daylight Savings Time. I'm moving to Arizona!"
~ John McCain

"I woke up this morning and didn't realize it was 1981. Damn, Daylight Savings Time!"
~ Freddie Mercury

"Daylight Savings Time can go suck it!"
~ Courtney Love

Battery Calibration Clinic

2009-02-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Odorless Hybrid Telephone

2009-02-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Malignant Pony Handrail

2009-02-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

Arthritic Trout Panties

2009-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Candied Cabbage Code

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

You Can't Give Advice To A Dead Panda Bear

2009-01-15T12:00:00.001-05:00

Planes Trains And Commuter Glue

2009-01-14T12:00:00.001-05:00

Airplane Glue And The Commuter Train Incident

2009-01-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

The Rabid Goose And The Dead Badger

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Portuguese Fan Blade Welder

2009-01-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Ice Wine and Pocket Lint

2009-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

California Is All Out Of Envelopes

2009-01-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Guernsey Mutation

2009-01-04T12:00:00.001-05:00

Juniper Sand Castles

2009-01-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Square Peanut Butter Vacuum Bags

2009-01-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

701 Ways to Get Your Grandmother To Stop Chewing on Formica

2009-01-01T12:00:00.005-05:00

Where are they now?

Leonard Nimoy, star of 'Dancing with Latex Mittens,' has been seen recently wearing trousers and trimming his unsightly moustache with Kevin Broomassembler, lead guitarist of the supergroup Necrotic Wasabi. Leo is also scheduling a globe trotting book tour in support of a letter he just received marked 'occupant.'

Sally Field has been tapped as the chef of a new Asian cuisine show coming to the Liverwurst Network called 'The Frying Hun.' She is also experiencing some throat irritation and likes to ferment hand lotion during vernal equinox.

World renown rap artist and SMUD comic celebrity Bill has returned from a 27 year hiatus in Tibet, where he was learning how to touch himself without thinking about weird geometric shapes. His next undertaking will be as a prestigious Cheerio's test clinician for the General Mills company in Poindexter, AL.

According to our sources, Jerry Lewis is actually NOT dead as of this writing. In fact, he is embarking on a new career as a professional lint juggler and part-time caucasian lawn care specialist.