Boundaries 4 Codependents

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

2009-09-23T02:08:00.000-04:00

We all need healthy boundaries. Our boundary defines who we are and
determines how we are able to interact and relate to the world,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My boundary lets me know
where I end and you begin. My boundary allows me to express who I am
and allows you to do the same. If we grew up in a dysfunctional
family, inconsistent and various forms of abuse influenced our
ability to form and maintain our boundaries. We also have
difficulty identifying the boundaries of others.

Damaged boundaries is another symptom of codependency.

A primary cause of conflict and difficulties in relationships lies in
unhealthy boundaries. My boundary is my container. When I am too
contained or not contained enough, then problems in relationships
result. Healing and restoring our boundary is a part of the recovery
process. It does not happen overnight.

Our physical boundary

Sets our need and right to physical space and safety; including our
needs and rights in sexual interaction with others.

Our emotional or internal boundary

Sets our emotional needs, rights and safety; including our right to
our thoughts and actions.

If I develop an overly protective boundary, my ability to be in
healthy relationships with others is compromised. It like being in a
shell, like a turtle. No one can get it and I can't get out. The give
and take, back and forth flow in a relationship is hampered.

The other extreme is a lack of a sense of boundary. I cannot
experience myself as separate from others. My container is faulty and
all the contents spill out just like an egg when the shell is broken.
It becomes difficult to distinguish myself from others. I feel my
feelings and all of your feelings too. I begin to define myself
according to your definition. I lost my own identity. My
feelings are your feelings, my thoughts are your thoughts, and I
behave the way I think you want me to.

A healthy boundary is like the permeable membrane of a cell. It
controls what goes in and out. It determines what it needs and goes
for it. There is a back and forth flow.

As our self-esteem increases in recovery,
so will the health of our boundaries.

In review:

*The rigid boundary is like an impenetrable wall.
Nothing can go in or come out.

*No boundary - The person is unprotected.
Everything can flood in and flood out.

*Partial boundaries work sometimes but are not reliable.
*Healthy boundaries protect the individual,
and the person can choose what comes in and goes out.

Other Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries:

Sexual:

1.. Having sex when you do not want to
2.. Falling in love at first sight. Actually this is impossible.
You cannot love someone you do not know. It's actually infatuation.
3.. Intimate sharing on first meeting
4.. Using sex as a reward or punishment
5.. Inability to distinguish between love and sex.
6.. Manipulating another person through sex
7.. Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
8.. Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
9.. Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
10.. Sexual abuse

Physical:

1.. Touching others without asking
2.. Physical intimidation
3.. Not allowing others privacy
4.. Not protecting your own need for privacy
5.. Physical abuse

Emotional:

1.. Verbal abuse
2.. Making threats
3.. Assuming I know what someone else feels
4.. Assuming others know what I feel
5.. Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
6.. Assuming to know the needs of others
7.. Over-reaction to feelings or behaviors of others
8.. Insisting others tell us how they feel
9.. Not respecting the rights of others
10.. Intolerance to differences of opinion
11.. Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
12.. Inability to ask for help
13.. Personalizing
14.. Need for constant reassurance from others
15.. Going against personal values and morals to please others
16.. Unclear preferences
17.. Accepting gifts that I don't want
18.. Making material gifts the measure of another's caring
19.. Over giving
20.. Frequent advice-giving with expectation that others follow it.

Descriptions of Boundaries

Rigid Boundaries: Physical

1.. Stiff body posture
2.. Stoic
3.. Uncomfortable being touched
4.. Avoids touching or showing affection to others
5.. Avoids physical closeness
6.. Does not reach or under-reacts
7.. Stone face
8.. Very predictable behavior

Rigid Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
2.. Appears aloof and disinterested
3.. Does not show feelings
4.. Does not talk about feelings
5.. Seems emotionally numb
6.. Attempts to meet needs and wants by themselves
7.. Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
8.. Does not react or under-reacts emotionally
9.. Has difficulty giving or receiving from others

No Boundaries: Physical

1.. Does not like being alone
2.. Touches others without asking
3.. Allows others to touch him/her
    even when it uncomfortable or inappropriate

4.. Is not aware of own need for privacy
5.. Imposes on the privacy of others
6.. Allows physical space to be invaded
7.. Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
8.. Personalizes
9.. Behavior is influenced by others
10.. Is unpredictable

No Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Feels everything
2.. feels the feelings of others
3.. Cannot contain feelings
4.. Over-discloses, tells too much
5.. Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
6.. Gets too close too fast
7.. Feels like a victim
8.. Experiences prolonged resentments
9.. Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
10.. Says "yes" when he/she wants to say "no"
11.. Feels responsible for the feelings of others
12.. Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
13.. overcompensates
14.. Expects others to meet needs
15.. Gives too much
16.. Takes too much
17.. Unable to respect the rights of others

Partial Boundaries: Physical

1.. May have extremes in need for physical space.
2.. Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
3.. May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances
    and fragile boundaries in others.

Partial Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Has mood swings
2.. Is indirect, e.g., Shares feelings about marriage with mother
rather than with husband. Is emotionally inconsistent. - May have
rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile
boundaries particularly in intimate relationships.

Healthy Boundaries: Physical

1.. Makes physical boundary clear to others
2.. Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
3.. Is able to negotiate and compromise
4.. Asks permission before touching others

Healthy Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Shares feelings appropriately and directly
2.. Is assertive
3.. Is interdependent
4.. Identifies choices
5.. Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
6.. Has an internal sense of personal identity
7.. Can allow "differences" in others
8.. Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion
    without altering their own
9.. Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)

My Boundaries:

What kind of boundary do I have?
Where in my life is it the hardest to have a healthy boundary?
What changes would I like to make in my boundary?
What do I need to do to make these changes?

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

2009-09-09T00:11:00.003-04:00

So you think you've got problems?

Codependents cling to their victim behavior as if it was an old friend

.. if you suddenly were not a victim anymore, if the fates suddenly stopped conspiring against you.

... you no longer had an external force to blame for your less than fortunate circumstances.

Codependents who "get better", more often than not unconsciously "Miss" their victim role, as if it was a long lost friend who you were so comfortable with you can't imagine living in a world without "Him" or "It"

It's not possible to be codependent without being someone who prefers to be a victim.

Codependents arrange their lives so something outside of them, some circumstance that appears to be beyond their control is preventing them from being functional.

I'm saying, not only do you like it that way, if you "got better", you'd Crave to go back to where it was someone or something else's "fault".

If you want to end this pattern, I'm saying you need to change internally, change your perception, change your attitude.

In our culture, attitude is looked down on as if it was a red headed step child, an also ran, it's not given anywhere near the credit it's due. Western ideas have frowned upon the subjective and worships the scientific process.

Attitude can alter, effect, improve, cause stuff to change way, way, WAY beyond what most of us are willing to assign a value to.

The little girl in this story has a positive attitude that could make the the economy rebound.

Watch this incredible story and adjust your attitude to a fraction of hers and I'm of the opinion what ever is dragging you down (what ever the circumstances) will "get better"

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

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This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Sugar and it's Destructive Effect

2009-07-30T21:56:00.004-04:00

Sugar isn't as sweet as it seems.

This is the first in a series of articles on blood sugar and it's effect on codependency.

Sugar, if abused IS drug abuse... just as devastating as Cocaine abuse or Coffee abuse

Second feature article: Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

A lifetime of eating a high sugar diet (most Americans are eating upwards of 20.5 teaspoons a day), and too many carbohydrates, is a real concern. And if you've noticed, we've been hearing a lot about blood sugar lately.

It used to be something you didn't pay attention to until late in life—but given the typical American diet and lifestyle, it's now become something we all need to be aware of. I firmly believe we all need to pay attention to our blood sugar—and it's never too early to start, especially if you're already dealing with glucose issues.

Here's what happens. The sugars and starches you eat are converted to glucose (blood sugar), which enters your bloodstream to be transported to the cells where it's burned for energy. This is where insulin comes in. It "unlocks" your cell walls so the glucose can enter, but in order for this to work, your cells need to be sensitive to insulin.

When your cells aren't sensitive to insulin, your body has to do something with the glucose. It converts some of it into fat, and the rest can become AGEs (advanced glycation end products)—which can build up in the tissues, and affect cellular function. The bottom line is you want to be sensitive to insulin.

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Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

Human touch is almost as necessary to life as air, water and food. Some people might argue that it is as important. We need to be held by our parents or a caregiver when we are newborns and as children we look for hugs when we fall and scrape our knees. As adults, we still need to be touched–in appropriate and healthy ways, of course.

Perhaps that’s why many hospitals worldwide have started incorporating therapeutic touch, Reiki, and other forms of healing touch into hospice care. As an example, the The Portsmouth Regional Hospital in New Hampshire has provided well over 8,000 Reiki treatments to patients since 1995. Reiki (pronounced “ray-key”) is a Japanese healing art that involves laying-on of hands to channel universal healing energy through the practitioner to the recipient. The word “Reiki” is Japanese for “universal life energy.”

The highly successful Reiki program, started by Patricia Alandydy, BSN, RN, offers Reiki treatments in every department of the hospital. Now, patients can have Reiki alongside more conventional surgeries, radiation, and other treatments.

And research is documenting the positive healing effects of Reiki and healing touch on diseases like cancer, heart disease, endocrine disorders, immune disorders, orthopedic conditions and injuries, pain, post-operative recovery, and psychological disorders. In one study at St. Clare’s Center for Complementary Medicine, Memorial Sloan Kettering Oncology Complementary Medicine Pilot Porgram, complementary therapies of meditation, healing touch, reflexology, Reiki, massage, and acupuncture were administered to outpatients. Patients who received Reiki or healing touch showed an average reduction in pain by 48 percent.

In a study of 48 patients who had total knee replacement surgery, along with pain and mobility impairment, those who experienced healing touch showed 30.6 percent greater mobility only 2 days after the surgery than those who had only conventional therapy, and 27 percent greater mobility than those people who experienced a placebo-type version of healing touch therapy.

The power of touch to heal is immense. In a world driven primarily by work and responsibilities, touch therapy has the capacity to help us slow down, experience the compassion of another human being, and heal our bodies, minds, and spirits."

Excercize and Right Brain Activity

2009-07-30T21:39:00.001-04:00

Wake Up to the Importance of Exercise
Working Out Improves Sleep Patterns

You stayed up late last night to finish a project, woke up groggy only to realize that you'd slept through the alarm clock, skipped breakfast, then almost fell asleep in the middle of an important morning meeting. It's now mid-afternoon and, as you're having yet another cup of coffee to stifle yet another yawn, you realize you're seemingly sleep walking through your days.

You're not the only one. Nightly sleep for the average American has dropped from 10 hours (before the invention of the lightbulb) to 6.9 hours, with a third of adults now getting even less than that! In fact, nearly half of all adults admit they...
Read Entire Article

RIGHT BRAIN ACTIVITY
Right brain activity tends to be creative and innovative in character while left brain activity is rational and step-wise. The left brain controls the right side of the body and the right brain controls the left side of the body. Although it is not true that all left-handed people are more creative than right-handed people, many lefties are indeed creative. Ideally, both left- and right-handed people would be able to combine brain hemispheres and be both creative and rational. Unfortunately, most of us are either one or the other and combining both is not taught well in our schools, society, or by our peers.
The right brain contains the fifth brain circuit which is a holistic, superconscious state and is a major goal of Tantric rituals. Opening the fifth brain circuit, represented by Tiphareth in the Tree of Life, brings the feeling of bliss, a vision of wholeness, the abililty to see holistically, and a neurosomatic ability, among many other benefits. It is also the first step to even higher brain circuits with abilities we almost never tap into.
Another right brain activity is sex. The fourth brain circuit, the sexual circuit is located in the right hemisphere of our brains. When this brain circuit is energized, chemical changes are made in the body and brain which are enormously healing, inspirational, and energizing. This energy and chemistry can be used to awaken and energize the fifth brain circuit, creating even more chemical changes in the body of a highly desirable nature. We can heal our bodies with the chemical changes these brain circuits produce (neurosomatic means mind over matter) and many Tantric rituals, many techniques of the Tree of Life, and much of the teachings of the Tao are designed in such a way as to energize these two circuits.
Methods of opening the right brain functions abound and include music, sex, art, exercise, massage, color therapy, aroma therapy, accupressure, polarity therapy, and much more. This book is about Tantra which is the attainment of spiritual values through control of sexual energy. Therefore, we will discuss principally the manner in which sex is used to open the right brain functions and specifically the fourth and fifth brain circuits. In our fore-brain, the frontal lobes, there are several more brain circuits seldom or never used consciously by the average person. We will also discuss later how to open these brain circuits by using the paths created by activating the right brain circuits. The reason sex is emphasized here is because this is the energy which is used to open the even higher and more powerful brain circuits available in our frontal lobe areas, the so-called "new brain" unique to humans and so seldom used by any of us.

Einstien as the codependent rebel?

2009-06-27T19:35:00.005-04:00

Einstein's Very, Very Good Year
By David Bodanis, David Bodanis taught at Oxford University for many years. He is the author of "E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" (Walker & Co., 2000). His new book, "Electric Universe," will be published in February.
September 17, 2004

If Einstein hadn't smarted off to his professors while he was in college... he'd have never been "Saddled" with that crappy job... the one that as it turns out was exactly what he needed to be able to think clearly enough (with unfettered concentration) to figure out that time doesn't exist.

Everybody has a good day from time to time, but what happened to Albert Einstein in 1905, when he was just 26 years old, was extraordinary: He wrote five powerful papers in one year -- any one of which would have been worthy of the Nobel Prize, laying the foundation for the modern pharmaceutical industry, quantum mechanics and the theory of relativity. He even came up that year with the beguilingly simple formula -- E=mc2 -- that has done so much to transform our century.

What made it even more extraordinary -- as "Einstein," an exhibition at the Skirball Cultural Center, reveals -- was that up until the start of that year, nobody had any idea he was capable of this. He'd been an average university student in Zurich, Switzerland, and because he had smarted off so much to his teachers he hadn't been allowed into graduate school. The best job he'd been able to wangle was that of patent clerk, third class, under the stern eye of one Herr Haller in the Federal Patent Office in Bern, Switzerland.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. He'd received a thorough enough grounding in the basic tools of physics from his schooling, and if he had gone straight to a university job, he wrote later, he probably wouldn't have had the time for the quiet, unpressured reflection needed for his breakthroughs.

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Two beliefs kept Einstein motivated in those years at the patent office. The first was that there were great truths waiting to be discovered. He felt, as he once put it, like a little boy standing in a big, dark room lined with books with titles that were hard to distinguish -- but with enough concentration and humility, a few of the waiting pages could be read.

His second motivating belief was that the universe was simple, and the same for everyone. If I, standing still, view a light beam as moving at a certain rate of speed, I have no right to say that this is the "true" rate, and that what you, running along beside the beam, might measure about its speed is wrong. Rather, there had to be a way to make any two such views be seen as just one aspect of a deeper, common truth. From that reasoning -- and with just a few lines of high school algebra -- much of relativity, as well as the formula E=mc2, could be deduced.

It also helped that he was struggling with these problems at a very propitious time. Stephen Jay Gould has pointed out that the reason it's so hard to hit .400 in major league baseball today is that the whole level of play has been raised. In the 1920s and 1930s there were many weak teams, against which it was easy for top hitters to pump up their averages. Today though, there are fewer consistently weak teams. Batters have a higher standard against which to try to stand out.

Einstein was like one of those old-time batters. Today there are thousands of physicists in the world, but when Einstein was at the patent office there were scarcely any -- perhaps six full-time physicists in Switzerland and at most a few hundred in other major countries. He could take the time he needed for quiet mulling without too much worry that anyone would catch up to him.

To top it all, Einstein, who was born and raised in Germany, had the trait many immigrants share -- because they are, in a sense, outsiders -- of questioning what the society around them insists to be true. Although Einstein's parents were not very religious, he knew he came from a line of very Orthodox Jews who had no knowledge of 19th century science. At university, he learned that the biblical tales those ancestors had believed were false, or at least incomplete when it came to science.

But then when his Zurich teachers told him that what he was learning was the total and complete truth, he didn't believe them. After all, his family had been fooled once by taking too much on trust. He ended up questioning whether, by simple analogy, what his overconfident professors were teaching him could be incomplete as well.

Conclusion? The next Einstein -- whether in physics or literature or software -- may also come from America's immigrant groups. It is those who retain that questioning attitude, that suspicion that what everyone in a new environment is telling them might not really be the full truth after all, who have the ability to ask the right questions.

And that is what made Einstein's 1905 so great.

Source: La Times 2004 op ed

"E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" on Kindle

Emotional Eating for codependents

2009-03-29T15:24:00.004-04:00

How to Overcome Emotional Eating

By admin on Mar 25, 2009 in Diet and Nutrition

The problem of emotional eating may end with the scale but it begins in the mind. Stress takes its toll on your life. When your defenses are compromised your health takes a hit and so do your emotions.

Everyone has good days and bad days. How we deal with the bad ones brings emotional eating into play. You look for comfort. People who turn to food for comfort find a coping mechanism that won’t judge them, hurt them or tell them to stop. To complicate the issue, eating can stimulate the release of endorphins just like exercise. So, after you eat, you feel better.

Emotional eaters use food to relieve stress. They hide behind the food instead of seeking solutions to the problems. But, how do you know you are using food in this way? The first sign is obvious. You will gain weight if you eat too much. In light of the weight gain, examine other areas of your life:

* Have you been under stress lately at work or at home?
* Has anything traumatic happened in the last year?
* Are you dealing with a problem but haven’t found a solution?

Answering “yes” to any of these questions could mean that you are an emotional eater. You eat but you are not necessarily hungry at the time. Do you typically choose comfort foods like these?

* High fat foods like French fries, fried foods
* High carb foods like macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes
* Sugary foods like ice cream, donuts, cookies, cake

There is help for emotional eaters. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. You’ll experience feelings of helplessness and guilt. The guilt is over potentially ruining your health and the helplessness lies in the fact that you don’t see a way out.

Addiction Substitution

I've always followed the problems of over eating as an addiction because for me, over eating is like sex addiction.

What do I mean by that?

Conventional Wisdom in substance abuse remedial thought is that you have to stop using before you can 'get better'

bullsh**

I'm of the opinion that all that's going to get you is substituting addictions:

Methadone for Heroin
AA 12 step groups for Alchohol (that's right there are people who get addicted to meetings as if that's all there is to thier lives)

What if you're addicted to sex? What are you gonna do... be celibate?

You first mother f****er

What if you're addicted to.. food? What are you gonna do then sherlock?

Both of those addictions require that you ACTUALLY heal from addiction!

There is no substitution for food (sustanence)

What passes for conventional substance abuse recovery is treating the symptom and not going after the root cause... which leads me to admire overeaters annonymous

There is a Yahoo email list that I've spent some time on and recommend it highly.

(so what's an 'email list'? both Google and Yahoo call thier lists - groups. It is.. an online message board where each post is also emailed to the 'group' or 'list'. You *post* a question, the whole group see's it online AND they get it in an email)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/overeaters/?v=1&t=search&ch=web&pub=groups&sec=group&slk=3

You're going to have to have a Yahoo email address to do this, that also means you're going to have a Yahoo account. email me if you get stuck, my helping is me doing the 12th step, go out and help somebody else

till next time

David Bruce

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Them's Fightin Words, or Shooting words?

2009-03-22T16:32:00.006-04:00

A man who shot and wounded a fellow Internet chatter outside a Westchester Best Buy was sentenced to 30 years.

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This article on the surface seems like just another angry man flying off the handle, look closer and you'll see non functional boundaries at work.

It's not possible to get upset over what others say about you if you have functional boundaries!

BY DAVID OVALLE

DOVALLE@MIAMIHERALD.COM

William Cruz and Yanko Diaz first met and traded insults in a Latin Internet chat room.

In real life, words turned to bullets.

William ''Cubano35'' Cruz shot Yanko ''Latengoparada'' Diaz in May 2005 outside a Westchester Best Buy. Suspected motive: Cruz was jealous that he was left out of real-life gatherings of chat-room pals.

Cruz, 42, now must serve 30 years in prison, a Miami-Dade judge ruled Friday.

''I think that when you took those actions, you didn't care about the consequences,'' Circuit Judge Julio Jimenez told Cruz.

Diaz, 26, of Hialeah, whose Spanish screen name translates to a phrase indicating his sexual arousal, survived with bullet wounds to the right wrist and the left thumb and buttocks.

''You never know who you are dealing with on the Internet. Clever screen names don't protect you,'' said Miami-Dade prosecutor Suzanne Bell. ``Yanko Diaz almost lost his life when virtual bluster and bravado in a chat room were transformed into real bullets.''

CONVICTED IN JANUARY

Jurors convicted Cruz of second-degree attempted murder in January. During trial, prosecutors Bell and Suzanne Von Paulus told this tale:

It started in a chat room called ''Cuba1,'' accessed through Latinchat.com.

''A small group of people would talk about various things. It was a way to meet friends,'' Diaz said in a sworn affidavit. ``It was a specific group for Cubans looking to meet Cubans.''

Chatters included ''El Habanero'' (Havana Man), ''La Gata Fiera'' (The Raging Cat) and ''Dura y Peligrosa'' (Tough and Dangerous). Through chatting, Diaz even met his girlfriend, Yosandra Piedra, ''La Villana'' (The Villain).

Sometimes, the group met socially, sans Cruz. Diaz said: ``I believe this made him jealous and envious.''

Cruz began insulting people for no reason, telling them of his gun and plans to ''empty it on all of us,'' chatters said.

Cruz later claimed the chatters ganged up on him because they mistakingly believed he was mistreating a cyber girlfriend from Sweden.

Somehow, Cruz got Diaz's cellphone number. For weeks, he threatened him.

Finally on May 7, 2005, Diaz agreed to meet Cruz to talk at the Best Buy, 7755 SW 40th St., just past 9 p.m.

But as Diaz pulled up in his black Toyota Camry, Cruz appeared and shot into the car, wounding Diaz as shoppers fled for cover.

''I got you right where I want you and here is the gift I am going to give your mother for Mother's Day,'' Cruz yelled, Diaz remembered.

PERCEIVED THREAT

Cruz told police that Diaz, from behind tinted windows, may have posed a threat.

On Friday, Diaz and Piedra -- who have a son together now -- appeared in court.

A bullet remains lodged in his thigh, causing pain in cold weather and triggering alarms at airport checkpoints, Diaz told the judge.

Cruz was defiant and rambling in court, calling Diaz a liar.

''He truly believes he is a victim,'' said his defense lawyer, Rene Palomino.

Source: Miami News Herald

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Subjective Reality: Time is an illusion- 20 things you didn't know

2009-03-22T08:33:00.002-04:00

Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so

Atheistic or Spiritual? Religious or Spiritual? Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so.. science uses those equations as gospel. Scientists have been looking at the data and to date, very few of them want to say what's staring everyone right in the face.

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Do man and woman understand love the same way?

2009-03-13T00:48:00.006-04:00

What passes for love in our society is a shared hallucination

, divorce is when that hallucination recedes (IMHO).

Men perceive love one way, Women another

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Do men and women understand love in the same way, this is a questioned oft posed by the perplexed and disillusioned. Love itself is a state of being, a spiritual condition, a chemical brew. It is a priceless treasure in its power to instill peace, confidence and self esteem, a spiritual fortification to last a lifetime.

It is used as an invaluable commodity because of limited supply to ratios of demand, and the clouds of confusion, pain, battling and suffering in its name. It becomes perversely a weapon, a tool of power used to exploit its devotees and seekers in exchange for devotion or submission.

Men and women both require fidelity, understanding and support. If there exists a disparity in the balance of need, {for example one otherwise independent person is overly dependent upon the other} this leads to an arrogant sense of boastfulness, thus destroying the spirit of love and nurturing in its stead, habitual dependency humans are creatures of habit and loathe to change partners following the investment of much emotion, time and attention.

Some having undergone the adverse travails of love avoid it as one would any implement that had caused injury to ones emotion. Hence the slow but sure demise and death of love in the heart and world. The political stratagems in dominance in a relationship and the overpriced expectations of the other far exceed any sense in grabbing a few moments of ‘’love’’ for what can become a nightmarish inextricable tryst where one bleeds the other.

The unfortunate oft occurring practice is the one bitten twice shy idiom, whereby ones cold and brutal attitude towards love or any purveyors of the same tend to coerce a situation where ones pessimisms is in danger of becoming a self executed prophecy. Man passes through many relationships, and gains understanding and maturity. The objective is to be a master, creator and inspirer of love, that you be able to alight its flame where so your heart desires than be fixated or broken by one who may not be ready for love or has diminished need and understanding …

***Love is a fragile spun thread, broken and shattered as quickly as it is woven and threaded into ones heart. Breathes life into the soul, filling the senses with the fragrant perfume of many summers. It requires but one sharp rebuke to demolish loves temple. Thus it is said love if for the courageous, brave hearted and great souled, for its fires light and warmth bring immortality to the earthbound mortal. Cupids are few and greater lurk the demons of love, preying upon Loves Angels until love is extinguished in envious ire. Thus love itself seeks a sanctum wherein to dwell and flourish, radiate its glorious light, and be freed from the ravages of sinful usurpers... Love that itself spends life spurned and repudiated for its refusal to descend where the hateful dwell. Love itself seeks a refuge in the devout and steadfast heart, how then can mortals condemn Love who themselves have turned for more enticing things of ill deceit, or for newer pastures and more ardent ways…

Love should begin upon passing through all ones trials and tribulations rather than be spurned as one may feel dejected by its cold and harsh administrations. Love is better gained when one least requires it, and none are more beautiful than the spiritually content self absorbed souls. To live is to love and to love is truly living, loved be

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This is one example of how exagerated some people's perception of what Love is and what it *should be*.

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below are some of the comments to this yahoo answers post:

Sometimes that some 'may' understand love the same way naturally. Although mostly still just really doesn't..I think men and women have distinctive characters of their own and even in both genders. It may also reflect on how they view love based upon their own concept and beliefs or up bringing (influences). Then how they manifest it into their lives..As well as to express it accordingly respectively of one's individuality.
However, I may think of men as that of by masculine in nature are more usually passively with their expressions and how they may understand nor respond to love comparable to women who are the femnine in nature. A relationship builder and a nurturer, as love could be expressed and understood from these natural capacities much better.
No matter how may differences arise. Goals are achieved in love by the balancing of our good qualities & even flawed natures as human creatures. Between a man and a woman..Between a masculine and feminine energy. Love is also manifested in mutual correspondences that link eachother to harmonize, Then it blossoms into the same path of understanding. From there we become one..in love's fullest fulfillment.
My inspiration are all the wiser people above me..& most of all 'love'.

=====

think both understand what love is but have different expectations and also express love differently in certain ways. I think a lot of women aren't afraid to show their true love feelings, whereas some men seem to think it a weakness to show too much love. Thats not to say that there are the odd few men out there that aren't afraid to show their heartfelt feelings all the time, i just think it is maybe a bit easier for a woman to show emotions, especially love, more often...

=====

Drug Rehab Really Does Work If It Is Done Right

2009-03-03T19:42:00.001-05:00

What Good is Drug Rehab?

With all the media coverage about celebrities "returning" for more drug rehab, some of them for the third or fourth time, many people are getting the idea that rehab doesn't really work. Some people are beginning to think that public funding for drug rehab programs is a waste of tax dollars. The fact is, lifelong recovery from alcohol and drug addiction is almost a certainty when drug rehab is done right.

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The public's lack of trust in drug rehab programs is leading to some dangerously bad ideas, such as putting people addicted to alcohol or drugs on some other drug, or worse, legalizing drugs. These are not solutions, they are problems masquerading as solutions. The call for legalization of drugs is the most compelling evidence that drug rehab is basically a hit-or-miss failure in many, if not most, settings. This is total surrender, a complete capitulation to the power of drugs. It says, "Okay, drugs. You win. Come on in and rule our lives because there's nothing we can do about you."

Putting heroin addicts on methadone is another testament to the failure of most approaches to rehab. Methadone "replacement therapy" is entrenched across the country and around the world. Addicts remain addicted to a "legal" drug instead of an illegal one. The idea of getting free of drugs has simply been abandoned. The thought process that leads to this non-solution is, "Drug rehab probably won't work, and it's going to be too much trouble to try to save this person anyway. At least they won't share contaminated needles and they might get some of their life back. Of course, they're addicted to this drug now, but what else can we do about it?"

Another example of "replacement therapy" is putting drug addicts, and especially alcoholics, on addiction-blocking drugs such as naltrexone. This drug prevents the brain's receptors from responding to opiate drugs and alcohol, and actually works for a while to reduce the craving for the substance. Sounds good, right? The problem is, naltrexone blocks all pleasure responses. Life just turns gray and isn't really worth living. And worse, it can increase the possibility of an opiate overdose, which can be fatal.

In any of these kinds of situations, we are simply trading one drug (and often a new addiction) for another. This makes the pharmaceutical companies happy, but it does not achieve any kind of rehabilitation for the addicted persons. So why are we not putting unfortunate drug-dependent people through drug rehab programs? The answer is clear - many programs have abysmal success rates. They don't have all the elements in place that can make drug rehab successful.

The drug rehab program you choose should empower you, so that you accomplish life long freedom from drug use. It should take you through detox and withdrawal and ensure that you repair the damage drugs have done to your life. It puts you back in control and functioning in society again - enjoying good family relationships, holding down a job and living a successful drug-free life.

All drug rehab programs are not created equal. There are drug rehab centers that successfully address all the issues. If you or someone you care about needs help with alcohol or drug addiction, contact a drug rehab program counselor who knows what works and can help you find a successful drug rehab program.

Rod MacTaggart is a freelance writer who contributes articles on health.

info@drugrehabreferral.com

http://www.drugrehabreferral.com

Expecting a special dispensation

2008-12-28T03:38:00.006-05:00

What are "bad boundaries"?

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A More useful description would be "less than functional boundaries". Healthy boundaries aren't a 'cut n dry' proposition. And they aren't all or nothing deals either.

A person can have functional boundaries in many areas of their lives, maybe even MOST areas of their lives... but when it comes to a certain area...they let people walk all over them.

OR, they are balanced individuals most of the time, but when a particular situation comes up, they become tyrants or cry babies or vindictive.. all three behaviors are direct results of boundary issues being out of balance.

A healthy boundary isn't a wall.

If you had a "less than functional" boundary where you kept letting people hurt you, you continually fell for members of the opposite sex that you knew were going to cheat on you .

(and don't give me that "I didn't know" crap... on a subconscious level you knew... that's why you picked em... but that is a blog post unto itself)

Or you were 'inept' socially, where you kept getting yourself into a situation where people would humiliate you, you feared opening your mouth in public because you just couldn't keep yourself from saying something inappropriate.

and you decided that it hurt

and the only thing you could do to protect yourself is withdraw (to a safe distance)

that's a wall.. it's NOT a boundary

Victim behavior is the natural progression of less than functional boundaries.

If you can't protect yourself, if you keep stepping in a hole because you don't see it.. and you do this all the time.. and from your perspective it looks like LIFE is DOING THIS TO YOU.

(it's not, you're actually doing to yourself, but you can't see that from the seat you've taken in lifes arena)

What are you going to do?

Expect a special dispensation

You expect 'extra consideration' because life took a sh** on you.

You poor baby... the fates have conspired against you.

You're the best worst that ever lived

You've been dealt a crappy hand, and therefore you should be allowed a 'extra' turn, standard penalties don't apply to you... ever one else gets 5 points on thier licence and they loose it.

but because you've been dealt a crappy hand (your an orphan, or a sex abuse survivor or what ever... you child died (I know this one, my son died at age 5 months so don't even go there with me on this one!)

and you somehow feel you're entitled.. entitled to an extra "Pass Go and collect $200"

It's late and I've got to get up in a few hours.. I do feel better now that I posted to this blog though

Merry Christmas (I forgot to post on Christmas day, sorry my bad)

Upsetting the status quo

2008-10-08T16:49:00.007-04:00

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you in this noble endeavor!

Why?

Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional
pattern.

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old
testament.

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

2008-10-08T16:20:00.008-04:00

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning.

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Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes.

In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

How Do Healthy Families Work?

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted.

Family members can freely ask for and give attention.

Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.

Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities.

Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some common problems associated with each.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

Deficient Parents

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood.

Controlling Parents

Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.

Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics.

==================

This help yourself originally written and developed in 1993 by Sheryl A. Benton, Ph.D., University Counseling Services; updated/modified for the internet in 1997 by Dorinda J. Lambert,
Ph.D..

http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/csweb/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html

Family Systems Theory

2008-09-27T15:49:00.007-04:00

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

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The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements.

Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways.

Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

==============================================

Healing Shame the Shame That Binds You, on DVD

John Bradshaw offers his perspective on ways multi-generational shame is transmitted in family systems and is the root cause of addictive and compulsive behaviors. John describes how family-of-origin rules and attitudes become encoded in each family member and how shame in engendered through abandonment and rejection. This type of dysfunctional family system can lead to generations of dysfunctional families, abusers and addicts
contaminating each new family in its wake.

Without this intervention, shame will continue to fuel the fire of addictions. John offers therapy and treatment methods to heal and stop the insanity of the past, and concrete ways to re-script, enhance and enrich lives.

Fix this damn post later... running out of time...

Characteristics of Codependency

2008-09-07T22:32:00.001-04:00

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

...My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

...My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

...Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

...My mental attention is focused on you

...My mental attention is focused on protecting you

...My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

...My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

...My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

...My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

...Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

...I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

...The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

...My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

...My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

...I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

...My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

...I put my values aside in order to connect with you

...I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

...The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of your

s

There is a newsgroup frequented by those interested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency

Reprinted with permission from Recovery & Sobriety Resources

By Terry M., Webservant

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

2008-09-07T22:15:00.003-04:00

Excerpts from John Bradshaw's "Right Brain Healing - The Jesus Nature"

"I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did, the call is to Do What YOU Do. To be fully self actualized, like he (Jesus) was."

"This shocks pious minds"

"I started teaching this (when I got back to Houston from the seminary) and lo and behold I almost got run out of town"

".. No. I do believe in providence, it's just that too often I see people going to providence without realizing that we are created in the image of God. And to be creative is how we are most like Jesus"

Bradshaw repeats a quote about codependent self deprecation:

"For worms to harbor such thoughts, not for beings made in the image of God!"

Bradshaw on the topic of N.L.P and prayer:

"What I tell people in counseling is that if they have religious background, I tell them to use this... Frequently I ask people to 'go to a resource that they have within themselves', and they say they don't have one (that they trust), I tell em to get God the Father and include that in a reframing, include that in a collapse anchor. This is a resource that they can go to. And this is very powerful stuff."

Jesus said:

"Greater things that I did you'll do"

From Right Brain Healing- the Jesus Nature, an audio presentation by John Bradshaw

More on what N.L.P or Neuro Linguistic Programming is: http://holisticonline.com/hol_neurolinguistic.htm

What's wrong with Reason & Rationality?

2008-08-29T16:28:00.001-04:00

Reason and Rationality are severely limited.

Your ego percieves receives and broadcasts on a level or plane that is analogous to AM radio.

Your intuitive mind perceives, receives and broadcasts on FM radio.

Your ego is good at what it does… but it digitizes everything it perceives.

It also is terrified of NOW, it is genetically incapable of understanding the present moment as it really is… it can not ‘feel’ the differences between the ‘fullness’ and ‘richness’ of FM, after all AM plays identical tunes- Your ego protests:

all the notes, all the melodies, all the lyrics are there… what static? (Am radio)

Your ego has no FM; it does not perceive reality on that level, only an antiseptic digitized reality.

In this post I will lay out the basic premises of this site:

We have an ego, but for most of us, our ego has us.

Our ego is, for all practical purposes (an N.L.P. premise btw), the voice we hear in the back of our head.

We are, in reality (a term which is VERY relative), much more than an ego… or ego is virtually incapable of understanding this fact, and will have much resistance to this concept.

Our ego can be said to be a function of our left brain, our intuitive brain can be said to be a function of our right brain (this is a gross over simplification but our ego is very limited in it’s ability to grasp abstract concepts)

Ego is great, it's great to have one...

2008-08-25T12:34:00.000-04:00

the denigration of the ego… and why at least the temporary subjugation of the ego would be a good idea.

hmm, it seems in my vigor to explain our ego construct’s (and it is a construct, of our own creation) limitations…

I forgot to express that busting our ego from Sargent back to private was supposed to be temporary.

my bad…

Our ego IS useful, without it, I feel we’d be like the character Dustin Hoffman played in Rain Man. OK, so Raymond was an autistic savant, sue me… you get the picture.

John Bradshaw, who shaped most of my theology/psychology says that “in order to give up the ego, we’ve gotta have a healthy one, first!”

Our ego (construct) is not broken

It got us here didn’t it?
It kept a roof over our head, kept us from losing our jobs, we still have (most of us) have all our fingers and toes???

Our Ego is without a doubt, probably the most useful tool at our disposal.

If you ask it, however, it wants to think it’s the ONLY tool at our disposal… as a matter of fact, our ego also thinks it IS us (and right now it’s wondering who the hell you think you are implying that some other part of you might be present, let alone in charge???)

It’s simply not the best tool to have at the wheel full time, if the only tool in your tool box is a hammer, all of your problems tend to look like nails.

Our ego is HALF of our management.
It just doesn’t know it.

Does your car have a stick shift?

A car’s clutch pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a gas pedal.

A gas pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a clutch pedal.

With the tool of Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP) we can take our minds out of gear, long enough to fiddle with the clutch and learn to work our logical, analytical left brain in harmony with our non linear, intuitive right brain… without slipping the clutch!

Psychological Reversal, boring title, important concept

2008-08-25T12:31:00.001-04:00

Simply put: Psychological Reversal is where you want X, and your insides want Y.

of course this is an oversimplification but that’s it in a nut shell.

Now here’s the kicker: the part of you that wants Y, he’s a LOT bigger than you are.

Now this is gonna sound like the movie, “Cybil”, like we have multiple personalities… but it’s
generally accepted that we have a subconscious, and that we have both analytical, logical left brains and intuitive, non rational right brains.

This is like a piece of machinery’s governor, some trucks have governors that prevent them from accelerating past 63 mph.

Most of us are totally unaware of this internal Governor, Tony Robbins called it an internal thermostat.

In his model, when we get in need of something, when we want something, when a situation comes up that’s unacceptable to us, the thermostat kicks in… we have energy available to heat things up…
what’s not obvious is that it also works in reverse!

Once you exceed your internal self image’s limit…

The thermostat kicks in again… and cools things down.
we F*** up, screw up, are late for an important appointment, all of a sudden anything and everything that could cause us to lose focus, is mysteriously more important…
fancy that

In my http://web.archive.org/web/20060822145836/http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/ blog I spoke of boundaries, that once you fix your boundaries you fix everything…
that’s true

sort of

What happened with me, is that once I achieved a critical mass of healthier choices, once my boundaries were so functional that I no longer had to devote massive quantities of energy to combat dysfunctional urges…
once it became effortless and automatic…

I f***ed up.

Unconsciously, on purpose

and embarrassingly so.

ACOA characteristics

2008-08-25T12:23:00.003-04:00

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Victim Behavior
Thanks go out to Cheryl Major for permission to use this info

The following is a list of common characteristics of Adult Children. These characteristics were developed by Dr Janet G. Woititz. You may not feel that each one applies to you, but I found that most of them fit my personality or lifestyle in some way, especially the first one.

Adult Children (to themselves) seem like they're *More Crazy*... the drunk can blame it on the bottle, an ACOA is doing alchoholic stuff (addictive behavior/ self destructive behavior) and they don't even drink?

it's confusing...

=============================

Adult Children

...guess at what normal is

...have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

...have difficulty having fun

...have difficulty with intimate relationships

...overreact to changes over which they have no control

...constantly seek approval and affirmation

...feel that they are different from other people

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible

...judge themselves without mercy

...take themselves very seriously

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious thought to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

Of course this is not the final and inclusive list of characteristics, but it gives you a good idea where some of your so called 'personality flaws' or problems in relationships may be coming from.

Dr Janet G. Woititz

Some estimates say that 90% of the people who practice victim behavior will NEVER accept that the 'circumstances they find themselves in' have anything to do with their life's choices ...this site is dedicated to the remaining 10% who have the COURAGE to change paradigms.

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

2008-08-19T16:20:00.002-04:00

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

If you don't have a good system of boundaries it can be really hard to envision what a boundary is- below is one set of explanations:

If you have good boundaries you CANNOT be a victim!
Fool me once shame on you...
Fool me twice shame on ME!

From Setting Boundaries Worksheet from http://icoach.ca/pdf/Setting_Boundaries.pdf

Relationships are based on underlying assumptions about what is okay to do and what is not okay in a given relationship, and also who is allowed to determine this.

When relationships are based on equality, there is less chance of exploitation. But there are many persons with these assumptions are rarely discussed openly in everyday conversation whom we have contact, who we have been taught to believe have more power in the relationship. This may include those people who are in professional areas, or in authority (eg. employers).

Before one discusses setting boundaries, it is important to make several acknowledgements

All relationships have assumptions behind them, based on societal values.

These assumptions are rarely discussed openly in everyday conversation.

Individuals may have different assumptions about certain relationships and their boundaries.

Boundaries may be either physical and /or psychological boundaries {these authors left out emotional and spiritual boundaries- insert mine}

Boundaries are related to trust.

There can be both negative or positive consequences when persons try to change boundaries.

There will often be resistance to changing boundaries from persons who have previously established the boundaries

Are You Someone's Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others

2008-08-07T12:35:00.001-04:00

Are You Someone's Puppet? Four Ways People Manipulate Others

By: Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, DCSW, LPC

With the current interest in mental health topics, a mental
health language has emerged with words such as
manipulation, boundaries, limits, rescuing, dependence, and
codependence. Many people are unclear what these words mean
when applied to relationships. I would like to bring some
clarity to one of these terms ' MANIPULATION ' and how it
relates to the other terms mentioned above.
Webster's New World Dictionary defines manipulation as:

'managing or controlling artfully or by shrewd use of
influence, often in an unfair or fraudulent way; to alter
or falsify for one's own purpose.'

In relationships, manipulation can be defined as:

any attempt to control, through coercion (overt or covert),
another person's thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

From this definition, manipulation would seem to have no
advantages. However, if you are codependent and defined by
others, there can be many advantages. When you allow others
to control your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and make
decisions for you,

-- you do not have to think for yourself;
-- you can avoid taking risks and making difficult decision;
-- you can avoid taking a stand on controversial issues;
-- you can avoid feeling responsible for negative outcomes;
-- you get to blame others when things go wrong;
-- you can believe, when others tell you how to behave, what
to think, how to feel and what to decide, that you are
'being loved' because they 'want what is best for you';
-- you can avoid feeling separate and alone by avoiding conflict;
-- you can avoid the hard work of emotional growth and development.

Appreciating the advantages of not being manipulated is to
accept the hard work of living and interacting with others.
It is about being willing to grow and develop emotionally.
These advantages can be that,

-- you learn to know who you are, what you like, what you
think, and how you feel;

-- you learn to make difficult decisions;

-- you get to take credit for your decisions;

-- you learn to handle risks and uncertainty;

-- you learn to handle differences and conflicts;

-- you get to be in control of your life and know the
freedom of personal self-reliance;

-- you get to have an increased sense of self worth by
feeling competent and capable of taking responsibility for
your life and personal happiness.

Manipulation is usually attempted using power, unsolicited
helping, rescuing, guilt, weakness, and/or dependence, in
order to achieve a desired outcome. For example,

1) Power ' physical, verbal, intellectual intimidation or
threats, put-downs, belittling, withholding of things
needed or wanted. The goal is to be in a 'one up, I am
right and you are wrong' position;

2) Unsolicited helping/rescuing ' doing things for others
when they do not request it, want it, or need it; helping
others so they become indebted, obligated, and owe you. The
goal is to be in the 'after all I have done for you, and
now you owe me' position;

3) Guilt shaming, scolding, blaming others, attempting to
make others responsible, trying to collect for past favors.
The goal is to be in the 'it is all your fault,' or 'after
all I have done for you and now you treat me like this'
position;

4) Weakness/dependence being (or threatening to become)
helpless, needy, fearful, sick, depressed, incompetent,
suicidal. The goal is to confuse want with need, with the
message "if you do not take care of me, something bad is
going to happen and it will be all your fault" position.

With manipulation, there is a physical and emotional
response, such as a heightened level of anxiety or
irritation, although it may not be perceived as such.

Manipulation feels like a struggle or contest, not free
communication. The reason is the manipulator is always
invested in the outcome of a situation.

This is where boundaries differ from manipulation.

Boundaries (or limits) are statements about our values and
where we stand on issues. True boundaries are not threats
or about getting the other person to do what we want. True
boundaries are not compromised by another's response.

For example, you discover that your spouse has lied to you
and has run up a large gambling debt. You discover the
problem by chance, get financial and professional help and
are back on track. However, there are new signs of trouble.
It is time for some hard decisions.

- What is your bottom line?

- What will you tolerate?

- What manipulative tactics do you use to change your
spouse's behavior? check up on them constantly, bird-dog
them, never let them be alone, hide the credit cards, lie
to your creditors, parents, and children' - How much
rescuing, guilt, power plays, threats, and protection do
you run on the gambler?

- At what point do you stop trying to change their behavior
and let them know your bottom line?

You cannot make them do or not do anything. You can only
let them know what your position is and what you are
willing to do to protect yourself and those you are
responsible for.

The problem with loud, threatening bottom lines, is that
they keep getting louder, more threatening, and redrawn
lower and lower.

We tend to determine what our position and action is by
what the other person does, instead of voicing our true
position and then responding accordingly. This is the time
for tough decisions and actions.

In another example, a friend asks you for a ride to work
because she is having car trouble. This is the time to
establish ground rules, such as, how long will she need
your help, pick up times, expense sharing, days off, etc. A
boundary or limit is set when you clearly let your friend
know what you are willing to do and not do.

Problems arise she is frequently not on time morning and
evening. Do you wait and be late, or do you leave her? Her
car has been in the shop six weeks because she cannot
afford to get it out. She has not offered to help with the
expense, nor does she seem concerned about the
arrangement.

Your friend is using weakness to manipulate and be
dependent on you. She has transferred her problem to you
and you have accepted it by rescuing and not setting
boundaries or limits on your participation in her problem.
If you refuse to wait when she is late and she has problems
as a result, she will blame you and try to make you feel
guilty. What we really want are for others to be
responsible and play fair; however, when they do not, we
either have to set boundaries, or feel manipulated and
victimized with the accompanying advantages and
disadvantages.

Lastly, often we confuse UNDERSTANDING with AGREEMENT.

This is when people confuse their decisions with wanting
the recipient of a decision to like or agree with it. When
we make decisions that oppose the desires of others, there
is a cost. We usually attempt to minimize that cost by
explaining, in exhaustive detail, our rationale for that
decision, somehow thinking if they could just understand
our position, they would agree.

Applying that scenario to parent and child if a parent
makes a decision based on the best interest of the child,
it needs to be made separate from whether the child is
going to like it. When a child knows it is important to the
parent that they be happy with a decision, then it will
never be in the child's personal interest to be happy with
an unwanted decision. If a child knows that their happiness
with a parental decision is of equal importance to the
decision itself, then all a child has to do is be unhappy
in order to make their parent uncomfortable and doubt their
decision -- after all, it is always worth a try. This same
dynamic can apply to interactions among adults also.

How do we manage manipulation? By becoming more aware of
our interaction with others.

-Is the interaction an attempt to communicate or does it
feel like a contest?

-Are you beginning to feel anxious or irritated?

-Do you want to get out of the conversation?

-Does the interaction fit into a manipulative style?

-Is there an attempt to use power, service, guilt, or
weakness to get your cooperation?

-Are you a willing participant in your own manipulation?

-Is it easier not taking responsibility?

-Are you attempting to manipulate others instead of setting
clear boundaries?

-Are you making a distinction between a value and a
preference?

Preferences can be negotiated, but values should not.

Our society does not deal well with differences in values
and preference. We tend to take it as a personal affront
and insult when others disagree with us. We will avoid
conflicts at all costs, because it feels like rejection.
What we need is to communicate to others, clearly and
calmly, our values, preferences, and boundaries. We need to
be respectful and dedicated to listening, hearing and
appreciating, if not understanding, how we all are
different.

Mary Treffert, LCSW, ACSW, is a Licensed, Clinical Social
Worker, who is an individual, couple, and family therapist
in Baton Rouge, LA.

http://codependentbounaries.blogspot.com/

Copyrighted 1994

SETTING BOUNDARIES-When to say Yes

2008-08-03T16:41:00.002-04:00

SETTING BOUNDARIES, When to say Yes

By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

ANGRY REACTIONS

The most common resistance one gets from the outside is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.

When they hear no, they have the same reaction a two-year-old has when deprived of something: "Bad Mommy!" They feel as though the one who deprives them of their wishes is "bad" and they become angry. They are not righteously angry at a real offense. Nothing has been done "to them" at all. Someone will not do something "for them." Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others' freedom (Prov. 19:19).

The angry person has a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that's making the person angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others and, as a result, they have no control over themselves. So, when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they "lose it." They get angry.

The first thing that you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people.

Second, you must view anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot "get inside" you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another's anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it, or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage.

Third, do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.

Fourth, make sure you have your support system in place. If you are going to set some limits with a person who has controlled you with anger, talk to the people in your support system first and make a plan. Know what you will say. Anticipate what the angry person will say, and plan your reaction. You may even want to role-play the situation with your group. Then, make sure your support group will be available to you right after the confrontation. Perhaps some members of your support group can go with you. But certainly you will need them afterward to keep you from crumbling under the pressure.

Fifth, do not allow the angry person to get you angry. Keep a loving stance while "speaking the truth in love." When we get caught up in the "eye for eye" mentality of the law, or the "returning evil for evil" mentality of the world, we will be in bondage. If we have boundaries, we will be separate enough to love.

Sixth, be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences. One woman's life was changed when she realized that she could say, "I will not allow myself to be yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I will talk to you."

These serious steps do not need to be taken with anger. You can empathize lovingly and stay in the conversation, without giving in or being controlled. "I understand that you are upset that I will not do that for you. I am sorry you feel that way. How can I help?" Just remember that when you empathize, changing your no will not help. Offer other options.

If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of "other control," which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change.

Sometimes, the hard truth is that they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can no longer control you. This is a true risk. God takes this risk every day. He says that he will only do things the right way and that he will not participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, he lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same.

Living Within Your Boundaries

2008-08-03T16:33:00.002-04:00

LIVING WITHIN YOUR BOUNDARIES -

by VICTORIA PURDIE

When you are mowing your back lawn, where do you stop? At the boundary line. You don?t usually mow your neighbors back lawn as well. People need to learn boundaries in their own lives too. When not to take on other people?s anger, their problems and responsibilities.

In their book, "Boundaries" (When to say yes, when to say no, to take control of your life) - Dr.s Henry Cloud and John Townsend explain how lack of boundaries can affect your life, sometimes pushing you to the point of burnout or breakdown. They state that having clear boundaries is essential to living a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things which are ours and which are not. Everything inside our skin is within our own boundary. Boundaries need to be in effect in the emotional, physical, spiritual and mental areas of our life.

Learning this can bring such freedom to your life. To realize that you are only responsible for everything inside your own skin first, then any young children in your care. And it is okay to have your own treasures in the form of your own feelings, attitudes and behaviors (FAB?s). Nobody should take those away from you, they are yours.

Children from an early age need to be taught boundaries. They need to be able to say no to inappropriate behavior, and to make decisions where they reap the consequences of their choices, both good and bad. Don?t always rescue them from the consequences of their choices. You will be robbing them of a valuable opportunity to learn. And as a parent, you will need to find the fine line between being a good mother and being a slave to your children. Even a baby chick needs to be able to peck its own way out of its shell, or it will not survive.

Looking way down the track, you may find your child has grown up without firm boundaries in place in their life. They may be 20 years of age and still coming to you every week after pay day to ask for money. You find that they are spending their wages on CD?s and alcohol, before the essentials like food and rent. Then they cry poor and come to you for help. If you are constantly dishing out extra money to ?rescue' your son or daughter from their situation, you are keeping them in a state of infancy.

They are not learning to be responsible, and you are now burdened down by their problems as well as your own. Do yourself a favor and let your child reap what they sow. It shouldn?t be long before they learn from reaping the consequences of their bad decisions, and learn to stand on their own two feet, for the benefit of everyone, especially themselves. The earlier you teach reaping and sowing consequences to your children, the more independent and emotionally mature adults they will become. A small amount of emotional pain to a child can actually be a gift to them in the long run.

How do you know you might have a boundary problem as an adult? Well according to Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, there are symptoms and problems associated with taking on others burdens that are not your own. It may be depression, resentment, anger problems, obsessive or compulsive behavior, low energy levels and extreme disorganization - taking on too much, many unfinished projects and finding not enough hours in the day, especially when it comes to spending time with your children.

It may be that you just don't know how to say no to people, or if you do, you immediately feel bad and guilty afterwards. No isn't a bad word when used politely and correctly. It can mean the difference between your health and happiness, and that of your children, and in an extreme case, a nervous breakdown, or just living in a constant state of upheaval, stress, and depression.

If you are a pretty compliant type of person, you may have trouble saying no because you feel that you may hurt someone's feelings, or that they will withdraw their love from you. You may fear punishment or be afraid of abandonment or separateness. You may not want to be seen as selfish. But sometimes you will find that your no can be just what a relationship needs to grow and survive. And if it doesn?t survive the other person hearing and receiving your 'no' you can ask yourself what kind of relationship did you have with that person in the first place.

Was it about you constantly running around after them, doing everything they asked of you?. Or running yourself ragged on endless committees and organizing meetings for every social group that demands your time?

That's not true friendship or a healthy relationship, and you will probably find yourself better off without such people and more in control of yourself and family life.

A good example of this is a true story about a elderly lady in a rest home. She refused to make any friends, and wouldn?t participate in any of the organised outings or group activities. Her constant focus of each day was waiting for her niece to visit. The niece was a very compliant type of person and couldn?t possibly say no to her auntie. Every day she visited, but slowly resentment began to build up in her.

She felt pressured and guilty, if she even thought about saying that she wouldn?t be visiting the next day. Her auntie was keeping her in bondage. After hearing of the whole boundaries concept, the niece began to see how she was being manipulated by fear and guilt. She took a brave stand, and announced to her aunt that she wouldn?t be visiting so often anymore. This wasn?t initially received well, but slowly the aunt came to realize she was serious, and began to look further afield for her entertainment. She joined in with the organized outings and activities, and even began helping the other residents in the home. Not only was the niece released from her bondage, but the aunt was also better off, and so were those around her. After that when the niece did visit, she did so because she wanted to.

If you take a look at your life, think back a bit, and you may be surprised to find many situations where others were controlling you with their anger or guilt, or that you were reaping the problems of other people?s actions, even your children?s behavior. There is nothing like feeling empowered when you realize, that you are only truly responsible for yourself first. If somebody else is angry, you don?t need to take that anger on, and become angry yourself - you are two separate people.

To begin setting boundaries, you will need to start off small with little 'no's, then move onto the larger ones when appropriate.

Learn to be pro-active, setting boundaries and guidelines first, not being re-active, exploding in anger when things don't go your way later. Find out what you need and require from your partner and children, and don't be wishy washy in your yes and nos. It may be that you require more help with the housework or more shared child care.

Dr Cloud and Townsend believe that a good formula to work on, is to begin with identifying any problems that you may have in your life that could be related to poor boundary setting. Is it your problem to begin with, or is it really someones elses problem that you have taken on board physically or emotionally?.

Learn to take hold of your own treasures, your Feelings, Attitudes and Behaviors. They are very important, and no one has the right to violate you by pushing your feelings aside or trying to manipulate your behavior to their benefit.

As with most things, boundary setting is a two way street. As well as learning how to take control of your life by saying 'no' when it's appropriate without feeling guilty, you also need to hear other's people's 'no's and respect their personal boundaries.

Saying yes, when you really mean, "No, I can't possibly fit that into my schedule this week, I'm reaching exhaustion point, can't you find somebody else to help you", brings resentment. Maybe you were asked to look after 3 extra children for a friend for the whole day. You really want to say that you aren't up to it, but instead you say yes and then resentment sets in against the friend and the children as well. It's best to be honest and up front to start with.

The boundaries issues you may need to address in your own personal life, could be to do with lending people money who keep taking advantage of you, working way beyond your call of duty for an unappreciative boss, saying 'no' to somebody who constantly demands your time, or being a slave to your children when they are perfectly capable of the task ahead.

Interview with Gloria Skelton

Gloria is a mother of 4 children, two teenagers aged 18 and 15, and daughters aged 6 and 3. "I found the whole boundaries concept very interesting because I wanted to change from being a doormat to being a door where I could pick and choose."

What Gloria learned from the boundaries concept was in one word - freedom. It gave her freedom to take responsibility for herself and her younger children first, and not to take on her teenagers problems as her own. She realized she was keeping them in a state of infancy by not letting them reap the consequences of their own actions like, when it came to money and how to spend it correctly. "They weren't learning what happens when they made incorrect choices". Gloria was constantly bailing them out of their strife as any loving mother would, but found it was not actually helping them in the long run.

"I found it useful to learn how to set boundaries first, then what would happen if those boundaries were violated, i.e. the breaking of a curfew, swearing, or refusing to clean up their own mess, instead of waiting until I was mad later on when the rules had been broken. And giving reasons for the boundaries too, instead of just nagging. It helps you be more in control and calmer. This is being pro-active first and not re-active later".

"I learned how not to reap the consequences of other people?s bad decisions, and feel much happier with myself."

Interview with Kelly Stone

Kelly is a mother of two daughters, aged 7 and 4. She says, "I was raised very much as a compliant child who thought it my job to keep everybody else happy, and I hardly ever said no to anybody. It can lead to a double life, if you are always trying to be everything to everybody, to keep everyone happy at the same time, when really you are thinking, feeling and acting quite differently in private".

Kelly says it's important to recognize the sign of lack of boundaries in a child. They will begin to tell lies, because they are afraid to say no, or what they are really thinking. They are worried about losing your love and being separated from you. I?ve been teaching my girls to be really honest with me, and tell me how they are feeling, and teach them about personal boundaries as situations come up".

When it came to friends, Kelly found herself sometimes growing apart from friends, because she realized they were manipulating her, and guilting her into being friends with them. "I now choose friends more wisely", she says. "It all comes down to honesty. I don't have to be rude if I say no to someone, just honest, and that will ultimately benefit the relationship if its real and worthwhile. I also learnt to take other people saying no to me and not be offended by that".

"If you live without personal boundaries, you?ll just be miserable and find yourself wanting to withdraw from all relationships. When I look around now, I can see so much of people?s troubles are caused by lack of boundaries. It?s actually really sad?

Copyright Victoria Purdie 2000
Victoria Purdie is a mother of 3 children aged 5, 7 and 9 and is a Free Lance Writer and columnist.
to see more of her work go to: http://www.purdiephotography.com/

Boundaries what they are An article by Tony Schirtzinger

2008-08-03T16:29:00.001-04:00

An article by Tony Schirtzinger

SELF-Therapy
For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves!

WHAT THEY ARE

The concept of "boundaries" relates to our sense of self.

At birth and for a long while after, a baby has no real sense of who they are.
When we see a baby in their mother's arms, we see two people - the child and the mother. But the baby notices no difference, no division, no boundary between themselves and their mother.

A newborn is "one" with their mother. As life goes on, the child notices where their skin ends and their mother's skin begins.

This is our first "boundary," and the beginning of our "sense of self."

When our boundaries are crossed we are naturally furious at the invasion
because we know we could lose our sense of who we are.

WHAT GOES WRONG

Obviously, if a mother doesn't hold her child enough and is unable to bond with them,
boundary problems and problems related to sense of self will abound.

But things can go wrong in later childhood and in adult life too.

When they do, it is usually either because someone treats us
like they OWN us or, paradoxically, like they DISOWN us.

BEING "OWNED"

The worst example of being owned is physical or sexual abuse.
People who treat us in these ways are insisting that they own our very bodies.

We can also lose our sense of self in less severe but more constant ways.
Some people never hear anything from their parents or partners except orders and complaints.
"Do this!"
"Do that!"
"You didn't do that well enough!"

Constant exposure to such treatment can shatter boundaries and the sense of self.

BEING "DISOWNED"

Paradoxically, being treated like we are not there can also cause boundary and self problems.

Beware of anyone who is so preoccupied with their own ego and their own life
that you sometimes wonder if they even know you are there.
This can kill your sense of self too.

ABOUT FEELING CONNECTED

The saddest thing about boundary problems is that the people who have them can feel
"too close" (afraid they'll lose themselves), and "too far" (very lonely),
but they can seldom feel safely in between or "connected" with others.

THE DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

People whose boundaries are weak also tend to violate the boundaries of others.

If you don't know that you have boundaries that must be respected,
then you also don't know that other people have boundaries you must respect.

THE WAY OUT

First of all, people with these problems should get therapy.
This is too difficult for you to do completely on your own.

THERAPY CAN SUPPORT YOU WHILE YOU LEARN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOURSELF:

Learn to identify even the most subtle ways you violate the boundaries of others. Become excellent at noticing when people "back away," emotionally and physically. When they do, you can be pretty sure you have just crossed their boundaries.

Once you become accustomed to noticing the boundaries of others, begin to notice that you have many of the same boundaries yourself!

Learn how to object whenever any of your boundaries are crossed, even in the smallest ways and even by people with the kindest intentions.

Test various ways to of telling people when they cross your boundaries. Allow yourself to make mistakes while you learn (by sounding either too angry or too nice). Experiment. Notice what works and what doesn't. With close friends who might understand, you might even tell them that you are learning about protecting yourself (so they can understand why you are acting differently toward them).

Keep reminding yourself: "People need my permission before they cross my boundaries!"

Remind yourself also: "Nobody should ever help me unless I ask them to!"

If people have constantly crossed your boundaries, it may seem unfair to say that
you have to stop crossing their boundaries first.
It IS unfair!

But if you've been taking such treatment for many years
the sad truth is you may not even know what boundaries you are entitled to have!
And the best way to learn this is to focus on the boundaries of the people around you.

As you catch yourself violating the boundaries of others, don't pick on yourself.
Remember, you are just now beginning to learn about all of this.

"Tony Schirtzinger is a therapist in Milwaukee. His web site contains tons of useful information on abuse as well as most other personal and relationship topics."
Tony Schirtzinger, LCSW, ACSW
Tony@HelpYourselfTherapy.com
HelpYourselfTherapy.com

Boundaries 4 Codependents

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

Sugar and it's Destructive Effect

Sugar isn't as sweet as it seems.

Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

Excercize and Right Brain Activity

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Emotional Eating for codependents

How to Overcome Emotional Eating

Addiction Substitution

Them's Fightin Words, or Shooting words?

A man who shot and wounded a fellow Internet chatter outside a Westchester Best Buy was sentenced to 30 years.

It's not possible to get upset over what others say about you if you have functional boundaries!

BY DAVID OVALLE

DOVALLE@MIAMIHERALD.COM

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Do man and woman understand love the same way?

What passes for *love* in our society is a shared hallucination

Drug Rehab Really Does Work If It Is Done Right

What Good is Drug Rehab?

Expecting a special dispensation

What are "bad boundaries"?

Upsetting the status quo

Or no good deed goes unpunished

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)for no reason!

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Family Systems Theory

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family system

Characteristics of Codependency

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

What's wrong with Reason & Rationality?

Ego is great, it's great to have one...

Psychological Reversal, boring title, important concept

ACOA characteristics

Setting Boundaries Worksheet

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SETTING BOUNDARIES-When to say Yes

Living Within Your Boundaries

Boundaries what they are An article by Tony Schirtzinger

What passes for love in our society is a shared hallucination

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!