Quadrophenia

But

2008-12-14T19:50:00.003-08:00

this is why, for ages, they have preached detachment as you fully understand things.

Ah, me, I refuse it.

ROBOCOP

2008-12-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

We construct our minds from beginning to end. Always. I wonder if the last breath is a breath of relief: A sigh, as you say "Ah, no more, no more."

I do not know.

We must entertain ourselves, or we will be nothing.

We are given deep, deep things in our minds that we set out to attain through our lives, and only some have an inkling of it.

The fact of the matter is..

is...

We create it as we delve for it. We create every

moment

forward.

And so...

2008-12-14T19:41:00.000-08:00

I will never give up my dreams.

I will never give up hope.

This was all that was left in Pandora's box, when all the evils came out.

Ricky Tick

2008-12-14T19:37:00.000-08:00

Of course, it could be this inflated sense of hope that is poisoning me. I don't know.

There are too many things to solve. I'll keep living for that too. What's worse, to know all the answers, but you can't communicate, or communicate but know nothing?

You take one look at the population, and you tell me.

Blast off

2008-12-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

I live with an artificially inflated sense of hope for the future. I am aware of it.

It is to keep from shooting myself in the face in the reality of my situation.

Ah, me. I will keep living as long as I can bring myself to others.

Tonight, tonite

2008-12-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

I'm having an off day today. The little blue pills are kicking back up, so I'm a little off-center.

It is alright.

I was posting random things on my friend's facebook, like phrases that were as if we were having a conversation, but we weren't. I was finding it really funny because people would be like "Man, what are those guys talking about?"

Then I got to thinking, oh well they will probably find out that he is not saying anything. And then what I thought to be creative and funny will just turn out to be just weird.

Story of my life.

I see a psychologist, I don't know if I've mentioned that. She's a CBT. Psychology is not indicated for schizophrenia, but I do very well, so it's good.

We're finally getting to some deep stuff which is cool. She does adlerian too.

I wrote something on my whiteboard to remind myself to ask her this question so I can further heal and things.

It being : "My basic motivations behind my interactions."

I honestly don't know what they are. I don't know what motivates me when I interact with people.

We have determined though, through many sessions, that due to the pain of my leg, and the way I grew up, I have become deeply, deeply disconnected. I am very far removed from my reality.

It hurts, coming back. I've been deep for years.

Quadromatic

2008-12-12T19:37:00.001-08:00

I contacted Mr Mans Wife. I need to start the blog back up again. All systems go, kick off the cobwebs, let's do this.

There is so so much, I do not know where to begin.

I'm still in school. I was doing Computer Science - Software Development, but now I'm switched over to Web Development.

The music is... well, that's another story. I did get to play out a week ago at a coffee house and made 130 in tips. Some people threw in 20s. It is good music.

I really don't know where to start. I wish this were more interactive.

Deck the Halls, my friend

2008-12-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

Hello hello hello.

A little blue pill. That is it.

Let me tell you, let me tell you. The past three days my antidepressant was in a friends car.

I just got it back today. I took it a little while ago. I am feeling better.

Ting a Ling you son of a bitch

2008-12-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

My mother is dying. She's been suffering from a lot of problems this last year, but now she apparently has bleeding on the brain.

The IQ results are in on me, 155+.

I am extremely depressed.

My music is on the internet. Ask me about it.

I don't know what else there is.

Hong Kong Phooey

2008-12-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

I slept very hard. Was in a plane that was high jacked to Japan. Had two koi in my pocket. I own two koi they are beautiful. I was concerned with them on the trip.

Gave them to the Empress of Japan in my dream. I talked with her. Played her some music. Every room had beautiful warm crystal clear water in the bottom of it. I left the koi there.

People were in fear of them, for they did not know what they were, they looked large and powerful, and were afraid to touch them.

I handled them like a God.

I saw stars....

2008-12-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

Gee whiz.

Neutrinos

2008-12-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's a year later. I just woke up. I can not remember the process that got me to this page this morning, since systems are activating and it was a burble from my subconcious in the echoes of my mind that rattled around in the engine and alerted me to a new knock I most hold on to in fear in the start up process as I make my long trek in this beautiful world with the fragility of my vehicle. Power up.

Welcome, again, and again, and again.

Hello

2008-12-08T08:47:00.000-08:00

Wow.

A Year Later.

Willows

2008-02-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

“I want klonopins. These are the only things that provide any amount of relief or help.”

I can't change the schizophrenia medication, because all the other ones will dope me up and make me sleep all the time and I couldn't go to school.

“I can't do it. My boss would have my neck, it is against policy.”

I let that sink in. The small amount of relief, however small, would be gone, and I would continue to descend further down into the living hell that my mind was creating.

He goes “Keep talking though, how have things been going?”

“Well, I might be starting a band, though I don't know how that will go, I'm doing fine in my classes, I constantly think I am bringing evil to the world same old same.”

We talk for a little bit, I give him some samples of my mind, he calls me a deep thinker and he goes “Alright, my boss is going to kill me, but I'll write you the klonopins because you have no other choice.”

I say cool and then he goes “Wait, hold on.”

He starts looking up stuff on his computer. Sometimes I know more about the medications then he does. He tells me I know more than most of his colleagues on how they function and how they work.

“Wait, I think I've got it. Gabapentin, it increases Gaba in the brain like the benzos, but it's different. This should do it.”

Turns out that there's a new experimental Gaba therapy for schizophrenics that I believe Ford even mentioned once.

Turns out it was exactly what I needed.

So now everything is totally different. I still have some weird lingering issues that are holding on, but everyday those are starting to become clearer and make more sense. I am understanding even more of my teachers, if you can believe that.

In fact, it's weird, but now that I am normal again I am starting to talk to some of the kids in my class and I find out that they are struggling. They are studying like crazy in my classes. Honors students even. I never study, or I do it just barely. I have to keep this shit to myself. College has become ridiculously easy for me. I'm starting to branch out socially. The band is getting new members and people are asking for us.

This is fucking amazing.

And so far away

2008-02-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

I know I have been neglectful of you. Bear with me, I am gathering strength.

We played for our third time live, we've practiced maybe 4 or 5 times. First show was recieved really well, I think I told you about that. Second show it was just me and rebecca (guitar and violin) and we got a lot of applause, this was a more serious setting, third show was just last night, we played between a bluegrass band and we fucking killed.

The revolution is here. You heard it first.

Apart

2008-02-05T08:24:00.000-08:00

I know that I have not been good to you in recent days. You have almost forgotten about me. It is cool. It is a bond that we'll create.

There are some things I want to tell you, but first I will post up some lyrics from the band so you can get a small idea for what is going on. I will post up sound soon, don't you fret. The band's name is Graffiti.

Here are some song lyrics. I do not have names for my songs yet, because I am still working on them.

I know that without them being sung, they are probably going to resonate with you differently, but that is okay. Maybe you can form your own idea, then when you will hear the music you will be like Oh.

Or like Wow.

Or something to that effect. Here goes.

This song I haven't played live yet, but it is pretty good. I wrote it when I was going schizophrenic, I like to sing it. It is one of my better sung songs.

And I remember like a dream.
Where you were waiting for me to breathe.
With each moment passing by
Well can I tell you, it's gone away hey hey

And so I fall
And so I fall
Until I find my way home

And I melted like a dream
And I ask you one thing, should I go
Cause I knew nothing but afraid
And all my fears in my blood flow

And so I fall
And so I fall
Until I find my way home

And I said that I knew everything
The most knowing is knowing nothing at all
But faith is suprising in most everything
Because I'll tell you, it's gone away hey hey

Untll I fall
Until I fall
And I find my way home.

So yeah, it's a lot better sung. But it is something. Maybe I will record the songs solo or something on my computer, or maybe I can try and record a jam, if the computer mic works for doing that. I will give you something.

Here is another one, this one I like to sing too. My songs are weird, but they sound nice.

Predisposed for something else
Cataclysmic in your eyes
Could you think on it here
Could you find it here

We will wash away the rain
To find what I can't explain
I was always here for you
Waiting for something to do

And the stars they are alight
Passing by me on this night
Trailing embers surround us all
Matching pieces of our fall

So yeah, I will sing them to you or whatever so you can hear them. They are nice. Those are just the words. I just use the words to sing, but in order to sing them correctly, the words have to match myself or whatever so I can sing it right. I don't know how the process works, but it does.

The Heathens are Among Us

2008-01-30T04:29:00.000-08:00

Yes yes yes, I told you about the music or something. I do not know.

I started a band. It is called The Damn Yankees. I hope that name isn't taken, it probably is.

We are playing songs that I write. People really like it.

This girl Rebecca is the violin player. She has played in many bands, and she has played live many many times. She is my armor and my experienced advisor when it comes to doing this.

We've gotten together twice. Twice for about two hours at a time creating a sound. Then Rebecca drags me and Miles to a bar to play some of my songs.

We have practiced twice, fuck.

But I was like fuck it, let's do this shit.

We go to this bar where another band is playing that rebecca is going to join. This is Tennessee, they are playing country music and bluegrass. When Rebecca is playing these bands, her violin transforms into a fiddle.

Everyone is drinking and listening to southern music. I am telling Miles this is crazy, we are totally not ready. We are not southern.

She asks the band if we can play a song between sets. Dude says no. Then he says yes.

I need a fucking beer.

Leader of the band comes up to me. You guys want to play a song?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Well let's go.

Um, can we wait a little bit until later?

I am waiting for that beer. I want to eat a beer first before I do this. I am trying not to be nervous.

I am getting old though, and more set in my ways, so getting nervous would just be a stupid idea. I controlled it.

No, he says, I cannot wait.

We had just got there.

Shit should have effected me, but it wasn't, because secretly, deep down inside, I knew we had good music, though it was unlike anything anybody has ever heard before.

I am keeping this a secret, because I believe it's true, but I don't know if it was true.

It was true to me, and that's important.

So we get up on stage. I am setting myself up to be comfortable. I drag a chair on stage, people are setting up equipment around me. I have never played my songs live before. Well I did once, years ago, and it went horribly.

I am trying to prevent the horribleness from happening again.

I shook and trembled like crazy last time I did this.

I am trying not to let this happen to me again.

I don't know what I am doing though, with setting up equipment and shit. I am just there to play my guitar and have people listen to our sound. I am going to sing my original songs to these people. Whooo.

They are telling me to check the mike. I am so cool, I put my mouth to the mike and I'm like Check.

Oh yeah, I am a fucking pro.

They are miking my guitar, I am sitting in a chair and people are moving and doing things all around me.

I start playing the riff of one of my songs. I am listening to the chatter. I am comforted by my playing.

I am laughing and cracking jokes trying not to let the nervousness overwhelm me.

Miles has his jembae, this big bongo drum or whatever. He has played it once. He is wearing funny pants, and it is about one in the morning and he has class in the morning. He is facing away from the people, so his drum hole (hahahahhaha) is aimed at them. He is not the focus of this. He is getting away scot free.

I am the musical leader of this band, so they are following my lead. I know nothing about playing live. I know absolutely nothing about anything. I know some facts, maybe. Whatever.

I start playing a song. There are several moments where it is after fucking around, before singing, and we are officially playing a song live for the first time after two practice sessions. Here we go.

My intestines start flushing. My schizophrenia pops up. I realize for one brief moment that I could go completely schizophrenic and ruin this all and we will never be a band.

I get this under control.

I start singing. I am weak sounding. I can barely hear my guitar. This first song apparently turns out to be our best one, later on.

They say play more.

I play another song. We were supposed to play one.

I figure out how to sing into the mike and I start singing with a purpose.

Finish second song. They say play more.

I play a third song. I don't have many. I wrote all these in the span of twenty minutes altogether so we'd have something to jam to, and I could practice my singing.

We finish. I am done.

We step off stage.

Here is what happened:

People complimented me on my music.

Also, there was a guy there who just happened to used to be an independent label music producer for six years, and still had contacts with a radio station in Austin Texas, and other music contacts.

He is telling me that we were really fucking good. He would consider us easily in the top tier of independent bands that he has come across. That we are everything important. That our sound was the most interesting sound he has ever heard out of cookeville, and trust me that that means a lot he says. That our first song he could easily get played on the radio. We could play at SXSW.

Crazy shit. I wanted to call the band Strange Days, but that was apparently already taken.

My secret is out. The revolution proceeds forward. You knew about it first.

Oh yeah, if me and Lars ever get around to it, we are going to make a banner and hang it on campus.

The banner will say "Attention! This is a banner."

Another part of the revolution of the mind.

Stay with me.

The Used and Frail

2008-01-30T04:26:00.000-08:00

What adventures. What charisma, what awesomeness. What a joy is found.

Hello you, it is me. Hi.

I am back, if only for a little bit, to tell you special things.

I am secret in my love for you, just whispering when you least expect it. It is beautiful.

I will begin my story, or something.

Hahaha, I don't know where to begin.

Well, let's start with this. I'm off the klonopins, that nasty nasty drug. It can cause addictions, it is just a shitty drug. I'm on gabapentin. It is for neuropathic pain. It increases Gaba.

It has healed something inside me.

Return of the Mack

2008-01-30T04:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my god I'm back baby.

and the days

2008-01-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

I am not like this all the time. I am just often scared to be like this, because it is unexpected when it happens.

Masterful Domains

2008-01-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

School is starting Monday. I am excited.

Let me explain to you a bit of what it is like to be schizophrenic.

Imagine having a near death experience. Maybe you have had one. Imagine the thoughts going through your head, the fear, the everything.

This is what it is like for me on schizophrenia. Inconsequential things become indicators of my demise. My heart is beating. I feel like I am right on the edge. Throw in some mystical crap, some mental everyone is connected and knows what is going on in your life and they are just players and there you have it. It is fucking scary. It is scary to live like this daily.

Ahh well. It is the lot for my life.

I will tell you more later, I wanted to make this quick.

A rage head of goodbyes.

2008-01-02T16:02:00.001-08:00

I feel like I owe you something.

Let me take a klonopin, and talk to you.

I am back. I am sitting here, on my stolen mattress. I have a styrofoam cup of Dr. Pop in my hand, with ice, though the soda is cold. I am liking the ice, lately. Later, when I find the cup, the ice has melted, and leaves water. I am pleased by this, and I dump the water out. I take use of things, and then I leave them behind, to find them later, and see how they/ve changed.

They are not really klonopins. They are generics. I am chewing off-brand nicorette gum. My life is full of cheap knock off's. I am ready to talk to you, I have everything set.

I do not know what to give to you, my reader. Everyone is so vastly different, though there are things that unite us. I could appeal to that, to those uniting factors, but then I would be the same as everyone.

I will choose a different tactic. A harder one. I will be myself, though it pains me. It shouldn't pain me to be myself. I do not know why I am telling you this. You deserve something.

I said today that the only problem with stupid people is that you have to listen to them. This is true, and I shouldn't say these things. The only ever problem you ever had with a stupid person was that you had to listen to them speak.

No, this is the case most of the time. You can avoid them. People, I have found, have found ways of avoiding people that cause them discomfort.

Some people go right for it. The discomfort. Maybe there is a high, there, somewhere.

I am from a poverty background. I believe people live for their different highs. I do not know how to feel about this. I do not know if you feel the same.

The top two things that a woman looks for in a partner is honesty, and a sense of humor.

Hahaha, everybody does and has that. Well, a lot of people. They want the right honesty, and the right sense of humor.

I have developed a bad sense of humor, and I laugh too much. Girls think this is just fine. Girls are silly.

I am slowly starting to not view myself as a smoker anymore. Or, conversely, if you like the big words, I am starting to view myself as a non-smoker again. Whatever.

I will enjoy the occasional cigarette and probably cough and hate it.

I made really, really good grades this semester. This is something to be proud of. Though I am a schizophrenic, I really show a lot of promise and potential.

All good things.

All my friends have been calling me over the break. I am touched. They like me.

This is good, because I want to be myself, and I am a person who likes to be liked. Heehehe. I am sorry if this offends you. This desire of mine, of liking to be liked.

Will I change to be liked? Ho ho, that is the question. Many will debate this.

We always change, to be liked. Sometimes.

See, I said always, and sometimes. You must hate me.

This is the part where I would add a really good quote about something. Like, despair is just a stone's throw away from a fucking rainbow, or something. That would be some awesome shit. You would tell all your friends. Laugh for me, and my dream.

It will not be me to say this, but everything has already been written and produced. But new things keep popping up everyday. It is always quite possible. It is always a new rearrangement, every day.

It would be really cool if I lived your life for a day. You might not think so, but I bet I would find tons of neat shit about it. It is always good, this new perspective.

The revolution is a new perspective.

I wish I could have a cigarette, and write to you. That would be so chic. I am so anti-chic. I like chic people. I secretly envy them. They have a gift of life.

Another set of sorrys

2008-01-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

A lot has been going on in my life. I should probably tell you about it. It is sensitive. I am scared to open my heart to you strangers. I expect your attention, yet I cannot let you in. Yet.

That singer Sarah McClachlan or whatever has been letting people know that for sixty cents a day, you can help save orphaned puppies or whatever.

I like how we now have a choice of whether or not we're going to sponsor a third world kid, or an american dog. For the price of a cup of coffee, you can sponsor this abandoned puppy. Or this child. The choice is yours.

I, like most americans, will be buying that fucking ridiculously cheap cup of coffee, where do you get that at.

And she spoke of Divine Intervention

2007-12-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

At least, that's the way it's always been in my life.

It is uncanny.

Unkmown to Science

2007-12-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

The right people are around when you need them.