Humor Times' Faux News

Republicans Not Interested in 'Popularity Contest'

2009-05-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

Say appealing to the masses is undignified

Rep. Bachmann: What’s so great about popularity?
A Humor Times special report

Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. "We're not trying to win a popularity contest here, we're standing up for principal," said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN.

When asked if getting elected isn't basically a popularity contest, Bachmann replied, "Most congress members should be impeached anyway. Newspapers should be investigating anti-American sentiment in Congress."

Bachmann insists that contrary to her public image, she does have a heart, and that someone has
to help the downtrodden and unfairly prosecuted CEOs, because "We're running out of rich
people in this country." She accused Obama of only thinking of the "suddenly in vogue middle
class," always touting his "elitist economic recovery act."

"We know, for example, that the Republican National Congress resolution telling Democrats they should agree to rename themselves the 'Democrat Socialist Party' would be seen as a sophomoric stunt and make us look all the more ridiculous, but we just don't care anymore," she said.

Other top Republicans agree that the party must stick to its principles. For example, they're not likely to give up their hard-line stance on gay marriage. "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA).

Another unpopular practice they continue to defend is torture. "Torture is a despicable practice, and most Americans think so, but since we're pure and not swayed by public opinion, we continue to send Lord Vader, er, I mean, Dick Cheney out there to defend it," said Santorum. "Now that sure ain't gonna win us no popularity contests, but just call us dreamers, I guess."

Texas Gov. Rick Perry chimed in, adding, "Who needs a majority in the country anyway? We here in Texas are our own majority, and if we have to secede from the union to prove it, we will!"

Republican stalwart talking head Ann Coulter proclaimed that "Democrats are wimps and Republicans need to stay strong to save the country. I'm more of a man than any liberal." Regarding Obama's middle east foreign policy, which she called "traitorous," her advice is to simplify. "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," she said.

[The links in this article go to the source for these actual quotes!]

Insurance Companies Say Public Option Not Covered

2009-05-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

Insist it must be killed to save patient

A Humor Times special report

AHIP's Karen Ignagni: ‘Pre-existing condition.’
Lobbyists for private health care insurance companies say that the public option in the Obama plan is no longer needed – they have miraculously found ways to save trillions that would normally have been added to pad their profits in coming years.

The only problem, they say, is that Obama “must first eradicate his proposal for a public health care option,” according to America’s Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), the nation’s largest health insurance lobbying group. Such an option would “rise like an alien beast from the chest of America’s body politic,” they insist, should it be allowed to “infest consumer consciousness at this early stage.”

“This country was founded on private enterprise,” said Harold Fairington, lobbyist for Health Net, “and introducing a foreign concept like a public insurance provider could be dangerous to our national health. Luckily, our timing is serendipitous, and we just happened to come up with some great ideas right now on slowing down our regularly scheduled price increases. At least, until we’ve exterminated this health threat.”

“It’s basically a pre-existing condition,” explained Karen Ignagni, President and CEO of AHIP. “Single-payer type systems have already infected nearly every other industrialized country in the world, and you can see what havoc they have wrought. We need to quarantine our nation’s pristine health care system from this menace.”

While the insurance lobby is basically saying “if ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” other views are being expressed in an increasingly contentious debate over health care, not least by doctors and nurses themselves.

“The insurance companies deny access to care to even those with insurance, by shoddy practices,” said Dr. Claudia Fegan, president of the Physicians for a National Health Program (PNHP). “Over 12,000 physicians support a national health insurance program that will cover everyone with the money we would save from the administrative waste of our current system.”

“That’s fine,” Ignagni replied when told of Fegan’s comment, “if you want elitist doctors and nurses deciding your fate. We’re more in touch with the little guy. And besides, do you really want to be like France, England, Canada and the rest of the world? Case closed. Coverage denied. Next patient please.”

America Repels Alien Attack on Native Soil

2009-05-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Invaders target nation’s lawns, requiring “Shock and Awe” strategy, say experts

They may look harmless and even pretty to the
untrained eye, but these weeds are the enemy.
A Humor Times special report

When pundits debate national security in the media these days, they’re usually referring to threats posed by Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea. No doubt very important stuff, but every spring we face a growing insurgency right here at home: the massive invasion of unsightly weeds on the nation’s lawns.

“I’m at my wits end,” says Ernest Sanders of Atlanta, Georgia, who loves a uniform green lawn. “The weeds are the worst I’ve ever seen them, despite the gallons and gallons of weed killer I’ve saturated my yard with.”

According to U.S. Department of Agriculture, annual turf and lawn maintenance altogether is a $30 billion industry. However, over 400 different species of weeds and insects are now resistant to some or all pesticides traditionally used to battle them.

The extent of the problem is “rather startling” says Robert Metcalf of the University of Illinois. “It makes you think we’re doing something wrong.”

Indeed. Something is wrong, and according to Sam Restinthall, a lawn care specialist in Los Angeles, California, it is that we have not committed ourselves fully to the fight.

“We need a real ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy, to rid our nation of these foreign invaders, once and for all,” says Restinthall. “If the $8.9 billion we spend annually on lawn chemicals isn’t doing the job, let’s dump $20 billion on it. Talk about a great stimulus plan! We in the lawn care industry could use it, I’ll tell ya,” he said.

But radical capitalist-hating organic types say we shouldn’t be “poisoning” our lawns. They say weeds won’t thrive in rich soil, so people should work on making their soil healthy.

“Taller blades help shade the roots from the heat, so set the mower blade height to 3 inches, or more if your mower has a higher setting,” says Charlotte Berkenshire, organic lawn care expert from Lubbock, Texas.

“Buy sugar. Apply it to your lawn at the rate 1 pound sugar per 250 sq. ft. of lawn. Water it in well. Your soil has beneficial microbes that work round the clock, all year round, enriching the soil. Fertilizers, weed killers etc, kill these microbes. Sugar keeps them alive,” she says.

While that sounds sweet, Restinthall says it’s “living in fantasy land.” “She probably recommends smoking a big joint before mixing up the sugar water too,” he warned, “and that, as we all know, may be pleasant on a sunny day, but it is illegal.”

According to Monsanto, the nation’s leading pesticide manufacturer, citizens should be buying their genetically modified “Happy Grass” product, and using five tons of Round-Up each year on an average size lawn.

“If you want a stress-free lawn, you’ve got to use 21st century science,” said Ronald Dorkendurf, a consumer relations expert with Monsanto. “Our Happy Grass will grow green and strong, and is impervious to Round Up – so apply lots and lots of it. Nothing will live on your lawn but grass, it’s so easy!”

When asked about the effect of all that pesticide on pets and children playing on the lawn, Dorkendurf said, “Everyone knows lawns are for looking at, not playing on. Get your kids back inside on their video games where they belong, and put that dog on a leash!”

God Now Twittering

2009-04-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Says Dalai Lama's tweets are 'amateur' and that He’s making popcorn and watching March Madness

HEAVEN – The Christian God began “Twittering” yesterday – a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, “If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it,” adding, “Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe...” before his post was cut off.

Religious scholars debated the ramifications of the Supreme Being’s new line of communication to mankind, some postulating that it could have negative consequences for the economy, as it would put preachers and prophets out of work, and possibly even diminish people’s need for churches.

“We will see preachers taking up the practice of twittering, just to stay relevant,” said Norman Holimeister, professor emeritus at Harvard Divinity School. “After all, if they claim a special connection with God, they can’t very well let laymen get the edge on them.”

According to Holimeister, part of God’s motivation to twitter may even be competitive. To support this view, he noted that five minutes after the Dalai Lama twittered, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions,” God tweeted, “I made humans inherently happy, if you can’t keep it, that’s just plain karma, ok, people? ROCL!” (Twitter experts said this was probably a variation on the popular acronym ROFL, this one translating as “Rolling on clouds laughing!”)

In another post, the all-seeing deity, apparently still watching the NCAA basketball tournament, said, “Gawd, I sure gave these kids some hops, didn’t I? It’s downright nasty!” As a result of His basketball posts, a barrage of tweets have recently been posted that read like prayers (now being called “Twayers”), such as this one from hoopsman342: “Oh, God, please bless me with another 3 inches of lift, and I’ll be dunking hard with some freaky hang time!”

According to twitterholic.com, God shot up to a #1 worldwide ranking within just six hours of his first post. “He may be a Twewbie [a newbie on Twitter], but this is not altogether surprising,” said Jeremiah Yang, Senior Analyst on Social Computing for Forrester Research in Silicon Valley, California. “After all, He has always been a very popular figure. People just want to know what’s on His mind.”

Reported by Holy Joe, Humor Times spiritual correspondent

Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

2009-04-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”

Comcast to Offer Optional Porn With All Sporting Events

2009-03-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

Pilot project termed ‘very successful’

The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event.

A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl “proved very successful” said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf.

“We were very encouraged by the feedback from customers,” explained Dickendorf, “despite a few minor complaints. The cable company’s research, he said, shows that the sports demographic – “mostly men with high testosterone levels” – makes it the “perfect match for this type of value-added programming.”

Comcast says the new option will be available with all sports coverage nationwide within a few weeks, for “a small added fee.” The service will feature five-minute snippets of “tasteful porn” interspersed during each period of play, with an optional ten minutes “Busty Bonus” coverage during half time.

“We expect fully half of viewers to go for the half-time option,” said Dickendorf, “rather than listen to more boring-ass washed-up so-called ‘analysts.’”

“This exciting new feature will be available to customers in much the same way as our ‘On Demand’ is now, making it quite convenient. We hope our viewers find it as stimulating as we do,” said Dickendorf. “We’re stiffening our resolve to penetrate the market with the hottest sports action, doing our best to satisfy our customers.”

Phelps Holds Little Known Bonging Gold

2009-03-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

High school award ‘proudest moment until Beijing’

The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year’s games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class’ unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school.

In fact, say his old classmates, Phelps was famous in Maryland’s Towson High School for going to school stoned every day. “He never went to college, and I think I know why. All he ever wanted to do was swim and get high,” said his former high school buddy, “Slammin’” Sam Forester.

“Yeah, we had what we called an ‘Olympic Bonging competition’ back in the day, and in his Senior year, Phelps blew the rest of the field away,” added Forester. “He inhaled 57 straight bong hits, a record that still stands to this day, and those were monster bong hits, no sissy little puffs. I guess his lung capacity has always been huge.”

Phelps even credits his high school partying days with helping him along with his chosen career. “I’m very sorry to have disappointed my fans,” said Mr. Phelps in a recent press conference, “but, truth be told, those competitions strengthened my lungs. They were tough! I mean, without that rigorous training, I doubt I ever would have won all those swimming medals.”

His high school swimming coach, Tom Ruxton, weighed in, saying, “Now I know where he got that appetite! Come to think of it, his voracious ‘munchies’ are what gave him the fuel to excel at swimming, so I suppose you could say Phelps’ pot habit may have been what propelled him to the top of the swimming world.”
After considering his own words for a moment, Ruxton added, “In that respect, I guess pot got him high in more ways than one.”

Phelps promised he would never do it again. He also promised he’ll never drink, utter profanities, have public sex in the park, rob banks, flash random people on Main Street, rob homeowners with subprime mortgage scams or offer Senate seats for sale, should he ever become governor.

Reported by Humor Times Green Correspondent, Jason Puffer.

Boy Scout Camps Training Tomorrow’s Loggers

2009-03-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Scout masters helping boys to ‘Be Prepared’ to become lumberjacks

A Humor Times special report

The Boy Scouts, long associated with their pledge to "treat the outdoors as a heritage" and to "be conservation minded," are now being trained as loggers, according to the Boy Scouts of America national spokesman Deron Smith.

"In this economy, we've got to do all we can to prepare our boys to enter the job market," said Smith. Despite a pledge recited by Boy Scouts saying "I agree to join with the Boy Scouts of America in protecting my country's natural beauty and conserving her natural resources," Smith insists the new direction does not contradict Scout values.

"Look, our councils across the country have authorized at least 60 clear-cutting operations and 35 salvage harvests, and we're proud of our boys for the hard work they have put in in the forests," Smith said.

"These logging practices harm the environment but maximize profits," countered Ronald Howley, a forestry expert with the Sierra Club, "and the profits are all the organization is really concerned with."

"That's nonsense," responded Smith, "this is responsible land management, one of our pillars of scouting for nearly 100 years. Besides, scouts must learn to set up camp in clearcuts as well as pristine environments. It's good training to 'be prepared' in all situations."

111th Congress: Members to Sport Corporate Logos

2009-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

NASCAR-like sponsorships intended to help balance budget

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that the 111th Congress would be “proudly displaying” corporate logos on their suits, and many will even begin wearing special NASCAR-like uniforms to accommodate multiple logos.

“It’s an extraordinary new agreement we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Pelosi. “The people demanded change and transparency, and this accomplishes both, while helping to balance the budget. It’s a win-win for America.”

While the Speaker acknowledged that the arrangement will reward congress members with private royalties as well, she insisted even that was “good news” for America, “as we won’t need to raise our salaries quite as often.”

While the House goes all-out with the new look, many senators say it’s beneath the dignity of their chamber. “The whole thing is absurd,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “it’s beyond the pale. We should be reducing corporate influence on Congress, not selling out to it even more!”

Despite such objections from a few senators, the majority are donning the new logos. However, most have opted to keep their business suits, simply having logos sewn onto them.

“The Senate is all about tradition,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “and we have opted to stick with the suit and tie. But we want to show we are business friendly, so these stylish patches proved to be the perfect thing.”

Plans are afoot to sell billboard space within the congressional chambers as well, with the prime spots, like the speaker’s podium, fetching the biggest fees. Eventually, the naming rights to the U.S. Capitol will be auctioned off, according to sources who wish to remain anonymous.

Corporations are lining up to start the bidding, with Nike hoping to install a neon “swoosh” on the capitol dome and naming it the “Just Do It Congress,” while Microsoft is placing their bid for a “Windows-on-the-World Congress” and a Microsoft logo lapel pin for all congressmen, replacing “outdated flag pins.”

“Once you get going on this, all kinds of revenue-generating ideas pop up,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “for example, we could sell ad space in bills, since lobbyists write them anyway, and even provide logo space on the bill covers! The possibilities are endless.”

Reported by the Humor Times Capitol Press Bureau.

Final Interview: Bush Waxes Nostalgic

2009-01-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says

A Humor Times Special Report

WASHINGTON, DC – Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS.

“I want to thank the American people,” he says during the show, “for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end.” When Mr. Moyers pointed out that his approval ratings have been among the lowest in history for sitting presidents, Bush replied, “Yes, and that is so thoughtful, trying to keep me humble like that, so I would continue to work hard. And it is hard work. I worked hard every day.”

Moyers’ questions were wide-ranging, as the host probed Mr. Bush on topics ranging from the 9/11 to the Iraq War to Katrina and the economy.

“As for economistic matters, I think I was able to save the country from the worst of it. You know, that Clinton really made a mess of things,” said Bush. “And as for Katrina, we did a heck of a job, as you know, flooding the area with relief.”

Despite Moyers’ attempts to get Bush to admit to some mistakes, the ex-president was upbeat. “My style is not one to wallow in the past,” he said, “and history may misunderestimate me, but reading is not my thing, so I doubt I’ll even see it.”

Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Bush began to show some emotion, and close-ups even reveal a tear at one point, which he quickly brushed away. “It’s just so great to be the decider-in-chief of the world’s greatest country, and to make great history the way I did. I know I’ll be remembered for generations, because everyone says there’s never been a president like me.”

Joe the Plumber Reports: Understanding the Israel-Palestine Conflict

2009-01-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

Exclusive to the Humor Times

TEL AVIV – As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I’m happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that’s great, because they’re reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I’m comfortable there, and that’s why I decided to get into this here so-called “news” so-called “business.”

Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isn’t it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they don’t speak very good English. I don’t think a plumber could find much work around here either, I’m guessing they draw all their water from wells.

So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a “falafel” and asked me if I wanted to hum “Us,” but I didn’t know the tune, so I just said, “give me some of that stuff you’re holding,” and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.

So, although I didn’t find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.

I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says “What are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Don’t you know how dangerous it is around here?!!” Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing – they are apparently very edgy in Israel. I’ll have to be more careful.

So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they must’ve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.

Finally, I’m sitting at this café place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if I’m American. I say, “and proud of it,” and he says, “That’s good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.” So I said, “Can I ask you some questions? I’m a real reporter from America, and I’ve come to find the Truth.” So he says, “Yeah, sure.” “Ok,” I think, “now we’re getting somewhere.”
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, “What’s really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think it’s about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.

“We just want to live in peace, but they’re always shooting missiles at us,” he said. “I don’t understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we don’t use it all, and everything. Sure, we’ve long blockaded Gaza's ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.”

So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one “fair and balanced” network, and they’re from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. What’s up with that?

Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!

Obama Invites GOP to White House for “Healing”

2009-01-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Invitation says ‘Come on over after the Inauguration, let’s patch things up’

President-Elect Barack Obama continued with his “unification” theme this week by sending invitations to all congressmen, Republicans and Democrats, for a “bipartisan healing,” scheduled for the day after his inauguration.

An Obama aide, speaking anonymously, said the idea was to “get past all the pent up emotion and bad feelings” between the rival parties, so that “we could move toward real unity.” “It fits in perfectly with Mr. Obama’s wide-ranging administration appointments thus far, and the forgiving nature of the president-to-be, vis-a-vis Joe Lieberman and so on,” said the source.

The aide went on to explain that, “We want it to be a real nice gathering, to start out on a friendly footing with the Republicans. You know, Barack wants to forgive and forget all those silly things that were said about him being a radical terrorist and what not. We feel the Republicans will come around, once they see that we mean them no harm.”

According to Republicans who have talked about it, the invitation asks them to bring their spouses, and a list of “everything you fear or dislike about Democrats.” Presumably, Democrats were asked to do the same about their Republican counterparts. Later, there apparently is to be a ceremony, where a “few words of reconciliation” will be pronounced, after which members of both parties will burn their lists in a fire scented with petiole oil, saying a little prayer, and “giving up the bad vibes to the universe.”

There are rumors that certain controversial figures from the left and the right who do not hold office may be invited as well. Names that were mentioned were Bill Ayers from the left – the controversial figure from Chicago whose name became so familiar to voters thanks to Sarah Palin – and Rush Limbaugh from the right, the acerbic talk radio host. A special padded room was planned to be set aside for those two to “work things out.”

“Barack Obama is an optimist at heart, and he asks, ‘why can’t we all just get along?’” said the Obama aide, adding, “and we say, sure, why not? Let’s share our deepest feelings, start out fresh – and maybe then we can get something done for the country.”

Bush Pardons Self & Everyone He Knows Forever

2009-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

Says he knows they’d never do anything bad

Still-president George W. Bush announced today that he is issuing a blanket pardon for everyone he’s ever been associated with, or knew in high school. “I consider myself a great judge of characterness,” he said, “and therefore I wish to save our overburdened justice system from any unnecessary work load.”

The blanket pardons will extend into perpetuity, according to the text of the document he signed. It reads, in part, “I, George W. Bush, still president and still the decider, hereby pardon everyone I’ve ever known for anything they might have done, or are doing now, or will ever do in the future.”

The document lists over a thousand names, but adds, “If I’ve forgotten anyone, please pardon me, (heheheh). But if you can prove you’ve ever talked to me for more than five minutes, you are officially pardoned for what I assume are just momentary lapses, or mistakes, although I wouldn’t know what a ‘mistake’ is.”

“Hey, I’ve done a few of them indiscretions myself in my life,” he said after the signing, “back in what I like to call my ‘indiscretionary period’ – but just think about it. If I had been saddled with a police record, I never would have been elected – or even selected by the Supreme Court – to be your president.” As he turned to leave, he added, “Just think about that for a moment!”

Entire Wal-Mart Store Trampled in New Year’s Sale Buying Spree

2009-01-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Humor Times Exclusive

They thought it couldn’t get any worse than the “Black Friday” trampling deaths of three people in a Wal-Mart at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY, on November 28th. However, on New Year’s Day, at the Lampasas, TX Wal-Mart, all hell broke loose.

Witnesses say it was like a “human tsunami,” as wave after wave of frenzied shoppers, trying their best to get a good deal in this tight economy, overran employees, killing 18, before finally overwhelming the structure itself. The final death toll is not yet known.

Police estimate there were over 10,000 price-conscious shoppers, who, after bursting through the glass doors minutes before official opening time, crammed in so tight that the pressure actually weakened the walls, as the huge mass of bargain-starved humanity bulged them outward.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Annie Bizyclerk, who luckily arrived late for her shift, “I got here, and thousands and thousands of deal-hunting consumers were stampeding their way into the store. I was scared, but went around the back to the associate – that is, the employee – entrance, and then...” Her voice trailed off. Regaining her composure, she went on, “Then, I felt the ground begin to shake, and the building started to crumble. It was just awful. Now where can I work, for slave wages, 60 hours a week, with no overtime and no health benefits?”

After the collapse, police say they did their best to round up people who had survived to get them to the hospital. “But they were running away, holding beat-up packages, some of them with obviously broken bones and bad injuries,” said Officer James L. Resturorder, adding, “I guess they got their bargains.”

“Hey, I’ve been in line since yesterday morning, and put up with bricks and crap falling all over me, so I deserve this!” said Roger Deelsarkule, one of the lucky shoppers, having actually survived and in possession of a deluxe gas barbeque set he was rolling home. “And I didn’t want to roll this heavy thing over those people’s heads, they just got in the way.” A minute or so later, Deelsarkule was arrested by police swarming the scene.

Wal‑Mart, in a statement issued at its headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said, “The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority. We offer our thoughts and prayers for them and their families at this tragic time, at no extra charge. Surviving associates are reminded that they are to report for work in the morning, where other associates will patch you up so you can get back to work without wasting time on needless medical care.”

Palin Greets “New Year of Possibilities”

2009-01-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Alaska Governor looks ahead

After a breakout year that saw Alaska Governor Sarah Palin rise to star status in the Republican party, she is looking forward to a “new day for true believers in freedom across this great land of America.”

While many in Alaska just wish she’d come home and tend to her duties as governor, Palin continued to stoke national fame in what some believe is a bid for the Senate in 2010.

“That ol’ Senator Ted Stevens, bless his heart, he tried, but those dumb ol’ partisan politics, ya know, they just did him in,” she said at a New Year’s Eve celebration in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Asked why she didn’t go to a bigger city to celebrate, she explained she prefers “the heartland, part of the real America, that gets it, where they don’t go around palling with terrorists and things.”

“Some of those liberal pundits like to say I’m just out doin’ this kinda stuff like celebratin’ with down-home folks here in Tulsa ’cuz I love the national limelight,” Palin said, “but that’s just more liberalness. Would I like to win Stevens’ seat back for the GOP? You betcha! Will I run in 2010? If you believe that, all I gotta say, is I got a bridge to nowhere to sell ya!”

Asked if she may actually run for Senator in another state, like Oklahoma, for example, Palin responded, “Anyone who thinks I’m travelin’ around, meeting up with the good folks of this state, here in the heartland of America, for selfish reasons is sadly mistaken. It’s only those good ol’ altruistic feelings of mine, deep in my heart, full of love for America, and feelin’ feelings of lovingness for my Republican fans, bless their little hearts, and the need of all of us, and the economy bein’ in such sad shape and all, and with my expertise in the area of energy, what with all that stuff goin’ on around these issues, and so on, which is why I want to stand up for America.”

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

2008-12-20T11:30:00.000-08:00

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Plaxico Burress Not Faster Than Speeding Bullet

2008-12-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

‘Still faster than any other receivers, bullet in my leg or not’ he claims

Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for defending the Super Bowl champions New York Giants, issued a contrite statement today trying to explain the recent self-inflicted bullet wound which occurred in a New York night club on December 1st.

“I always thought of my self as Superman out there on the field, so I wanted to see if it was true that Superman could outrun a speeding bullet. Guess not,” said Burress. The bullet was made by Plaxico Products, Inc., which also makes many other goods, mostly plastic, and is the wide receiver’s name sake. “My mama always liked their plastic food storage containers, so she named me after them,” he said.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said Burress could no longer be considered a hero in the city, saying, “He’s no Superman, and he’s not even in the same league as our Batman. I doubt he could even outrun a speeding train.”

Burress posted $100,000 bail after being charged on one count of being a narcissistic jerk and two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a hand gun, as he did not have a permit for it. If convicted, Burress could face a prison sentence of 3 ½ to 15 years.

Teammate Antonio Pierce, who was with Burress at the night club, said, “Man, the boy’s got no sense. I told him to get a head start on that bullet – hell, Plaxi’s fast, but bullets start out at top speed – you got to get a running head start. I’d a been happy to pop a cap in his ass for him, if he just coulda fished that bisquit out of his sweat pants for me, but he always wants to do everything him self. Besides, he was stinking drunk.”

His behavior may end up costing his team a chance to repeat as NFL champions. The Giants fined and suspended Burress with out pay for the final four regular-season games, which is expected to cost him roughly $206,000 per game check and perhaps a $1 million payment from his signing bonus, and the NFL may suspend him for all of next season. “Hell, I may even have to give up one of my two dozen Ferraris,” said Burress when told the news.

Reported by Humor Times Sports Desk.

Obama Begins Planning Transition to Socialism, Communism

2008-12-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

“We earned the political capital, and we intend to spend it,” he says

A Humor Times Special Report

CHICAGO, IL – “With our dramatic victory in the polls on election day, we believe we have a mandate for a complete transition to a communist-socialist system, which we will begin planning for immediately,” said Barack Obama in a controversial speech today. “Obviously, John McCain and Sarah Palin made it very obvious to the voters what I’m all about, and the voters chose change – so change is what they will get,” he roared, to a somewhat dumbfounded audience of Democratic supporters.

According to a central member of Obama’s transition team, John Podesta, “The plan will not disappoint the majority, who, of course, voted for socialism. One of our first steps will be to take an inventory of everyone’s property, so that we may decide who gets what.” Details of the plan, leaked yesterday, indicate that furniture, TVs (including HD widescreen sets), valuables such as jewelry and paintings, cars and even houses will be redistributed “each according to his need.”

The plan also stipulates that people may be assigned new jobs, “according to his or her ability.” “This could mean many bankers and Wall Street types will be reassigned to garbage collection and demolition jobs, as they have proven that they are good at trashing things,” explained Podesta. Other reassignments include: putting Karl Rove on slime detail, helping plumbers with backed-up sewers; sending George W. Bush to the front lines in Iraq to fight the war he loves; and giving Rush Limbaugh a full-time job filling hot air balloons, which will double as a carbon-reduction scheme, since he will replace propane heaters that currently do the job.

In the most controversial tenet of the plan as leaked, salaries would be flattened, with the higher income bracket giving over as much as 80% of its income to the poor, who will see their incomes rise up to 300%. “It’s a new day,” proclaimed Obama in his speech, “and the end of poverty. I ask the rich to please be patriotic and cooperate – you’ve had your time, now it’s everyone’s time.”

Also included in the proposal is the diversion of $3 trillion of the country’s wealthiest corporations’ profits to paying down the national debt, a provision that has been declared “blasphemous” by Republicans. “This will put us on the road to recovery, as the debt has grown to an astronomical $10 trillion under this Republican administration,” said Podesta, adding, “with a strengthened economy and the redistribution if corporate wealth, we should have it paid off within Obama’s first term.”

Republican House Minority Whip Roy Blunt, in his party’s response to the news, declared, “Well, we tried to warn you. I’ll bet you want us back now, don’t you? With our strictly laissez-faire capitalist methods, everyone but the top 1% was on their way to becoming beggars on the street – but at least we couldn’t be called ‘socialists!’”

Tucker Bounds Spins Obama Victory Into Positive For McCain Campaign

2008-12-07T13:31:00.000-08:00

by Humor Times Senior Electoral Dysfunction Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

WASHINGTON - In an interview with CNN's Campbell Brown today, McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds called John McCain's defeat in Tuesday's presidential election a "significant setback" to McCain's bid for the presidency, but ultimately a motivational tool.

"John McCain's recent loss in the presidential election has only served to increase his determination to fight on and win the candidacy for President of the United States," said Bounds. "The senator is known throughout Washington and America as a maverick and he won't let something as trivial as a decisive victory by his opponent and an overwhelming public moratorium against his political views and general ideology stand in his way."

Unwilling to accept Bounds' unapologetic attempt at political spin, Campbell Brown pointed out that Senator McCain failed by wide margins to win both the popular vote and the 270 points needed in the electoral college, thereby rendering his bid for the presidency hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"We'll leave the political math to the pundits, Campbell," retorted Bounds. "Our internal polling still looks strong and we think we've got a better than average shot at winning this thing. John McCain didn't give up after repeated torture and interrogation during his captivity in Vietnam and he's not about to give up in light of the media writing him off and pronouncing Barack Obama the next President of the United States."

During 45 minutes of probing by Brown, Bounds' increasingly evasive responses ranged from pretending not to hear the questions posed, to at one point answering in what was either Swahili or gibberish. The interview concluded with Campaign aides hurriedly carrying Bounds away after plumes of smoke started emanating from his ears and he began repeating "Does not compute. Syntax error," in a robotic monotone.

Paulson Details Plan to Rescue Billionaires

2008-11-18T13:03:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today reassured nervous rich people that they will not be forced to endure under-$1000-a-bottle wine, smaller yachts or fewer mansions, saying, “As I told Congress, with my new financial dictatorial powers, I will do all I can to make sure we use this money wisely, and eliminate any undue suffering by billionaires, the most vulnerable segment in America. After all, hard-working CEOs, investment bankers and the just plain filthy rich are the backbone of our economy, and if we can save them, we can save America.”

At the press conference, held just after the bailout package was approved, Paulson explained that “billionaires are the most vulnerable precisely because they have the most to lose” and that poor people will basically just stay poor no matter what. “Imagine this country without our billionaires – how could we call ourselves great?” he added.

Asked what he plans to do to help the middle class, Paulson answered, “What are they expecting? We’re not a socialist country, after all. Now if Joe Sixpack owned, say, a boatload of mortgage-backed securities – well, we would work to help him keep that boat afloat. But if he just squandered a few thousand bucks in some bad investments, well, welcome to the school of hard knocks. We’re not running a charity here.”

Paulson did assure reporters that the administration has compassion for the middle class, however, saying, “We have confidence in the American people, that they are resourceful and hard-working, and they will be fine. The best way to help them is to let them help themselves. We don’t need to coddle them – the press shouldn’t underestimate them, either.”

Paulson then introduced the man tapped to oversee spending for the $700 billion financial rescue plan, Neel Kashkari, the 35-year-old assistant Treasury secretary for international affairs. He worked under Paulson before, at Goldman Sachs, a leading global investment banking and securities firm.

Kashkari said that, “As a relative outsider to the financial industry, I hope to bring a fresh perspective.” Asked whether the Treasury would ignore the middle class, Kashkari said, “It’s not true that hard-working Americans will not benefit from this bailout. By giving all the money to the billionaire bankers who caused the problem, we are sternly telling them in no uncertain terms: ‘You made this mess and now you have to clean it up!’ This is part of our tough love policy – and the results will trickle down to the middle class.”

Billionaires have already been reporting some relief, and promised to in fact relieve themselves further by “trickling down” on the public. But they warn that they may need much more money than previously requested. “If you give me $100 billion more today, I will gladly pay it back Tuesday,” said one, while munching on a gourmet buffalo burger with real gold flakes instead of sesame seeds on the bun.

Meanwhile, since the bailout was passed, public mood seems to be improving, with polls showing 57% are happy to go further in debt to boost billionaires’ bank accounts, 32% saying multi-millionaires should get some too, and 11% saying why not just burn the cash in lieu of heating oil this winter.

In related news, the Fed has reported that they are printing so much money that the Department of Energy is indeed working with them in a pilot project to use it for heating fuel in low rent areas of major cities this winter.

Mad McCain Denounces Angry Left

2008-10-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Head nearly explodes as he rants

WASHINGTON, DC – John McCain continued on the offensive today, deriding the "angry left" for being so darn disagreeable. "Those freakin' crybabies, always complaining, foreclosure this or bank failure that - I don't really know what they're talking about, that's not my area of expertise - but the point is, they're always so goddam pissed off!" he yelled, face turning red. "I mean, give me a break, let's talk about what matters - how irate they are!"

Red state voters seem to agree with this new talking point of the Republican ticket, emphasized since the GOP convention in Minneapolis. "Naturally, I'll be voting for McCain," said a visibly agitated Rob Kergan of Bloomington, Indiana, "because those Dems are so #%&$@ angry all the time!"

Known as "McNasty" in high school, McCain has "erupted in foul-languaged tirades at political foes and congressional colleagues more-or-less throughout his career, and his quickness to anger has been an issue on the presidential campaign trail as evidence of his fury has surfaced," according to Nick Juliano in a review on RawStory.com of the book "The Real McCain" by Cliff Schecter, published in May of this year.

But McCain aide Charlie Black countered that, "unlike the angry left, John's anger is righteous. After all, he has to deal with all these shitheads in Congress on a daily basis! I just wish we'd be attacked by terrorists again, that would make John a shoo-in."

Joe McCain, the candidate's brother, speaking at an event today, called Democratic-leaning areas of Northern Virginia "communist country," according to a report in the Washington Post. "And talk about angry," he reportedly added, "those commie pinko Virginians can't say a goddam word without f#%$ing swearing!"

When confronted with his brother's quote, John McCain said, "So what? There they go again, complaining – these elitist community organizers should really just chill out!" Then he boarded his private jet to fly to "one of my other houses, not sure which."

Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

2008-09-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”

Global Warming Declared Big Success

2008-09-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

As Arctic opens up, Bush declares “Mission Accomplished”

Still-President George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” today in the fight to open up more oil fields. “The melting arctic ice will open access to one third of proven reserves,” Bush said at a White House press conference, siting a new report by the US Geological Survey, “which are reserves we desperately need – to power hundreds of millions of air conditioners through the next century, thus reducing the inconvenient truth of discomfort during our global warming campaign.”

“The advantages of this new oil source are obvious. Instead of having to fight seasoned terrorist nations, all we have to do is convince the Canadians to let us have the oil off their northern coasts,” said Bush in response to a query about legal ownership of the Arctic oil fields, “and we all know how accommodating those Canucks can be, eh?”

In prepared remarks at the press conference, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson said, “Now you see why I was not interested in catering to liberal whiners’ demands to regulate greenhouse gases – that would have only delayed this essential progress.”

Asked about the threat to polar bears, Johnson replied, “We’ve planned ahead for that. With the huge supply of new fuel, we will be able to create a new polar bear reserve. By installing refrigerator coils beneath one of the big ice chunks that are breaking off, we can keep it frozen for them.”

Republicans in Congress have rushed to embrace the new study, saying it validates Bush’s long-term strategy.
“Finally, near the end of this great president’s term in office, we can see he was right all along,” said House minority leader John Boehner, adding, “this is great news as we approach the elections – our party is vindicated! Global warming will free us from oil supply constraints. I’d like to hear environmentalists debunk this one!”

Democrats were more subdued, claiming it will only delay the inevitable need to build up the nation’s alternative energy capacity.

“This doesn’t change anything. We’re still the party of the people, and by that I mean the people lobbying for the oil industry, who should tell their clients to send all their political campaign donations to us,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “since we don’t have any qualms about drilling in the Arctic – that ain’t our coast, after all.”

Defeating Wasp Army Living In Pillows Top Issue Among Schizophrenic Voters

2008-09-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

By Humor Times Senior Schizophrenic Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

A survey released today by the Getty Research Institute found that schizophrenic voters are most concerned about a growing army of incessantly buzzing wasps which inhabit their pillows at night. Defeating this insect army and finally getting a good night’s sleep has become the key issue on which these voters are concentrating.

“The finding did come as a bit of a surprise,” said Getty Research analyst Jim Paulson. “The wasp army has surpassed several hot button issues which previously typified schizophrenic concerns- topics which included the government’s nefarious monitoring of thoughts via microwave ovens, the amplified voice of Ed McMahon encouraging murder played on a continuous loop throughout the house, and disembodied tongue syndrome.”

Aside from the immediate inconvenience of interrupted sleep, there is a growing fear among many schizophrenics that the wasp army will eventually break free of their billowy confines, infiltrate the ear canal and create a brain nest from which they will control their host’s every action while creating a cacophony of buzzing through which no other sound can penetrate.

“Once they’ve reached the brain, all bets are off,” stated Nancy Turbin, a schizophrenic who participated in the survey. “My concerns about radio active soda cans and razor sharp grass blades have by no means disappeared but the wasp army is a much more pressing issue. How can we possibly maintain enough energy to thwart the mailman’s attempts at mind control if our sleep is constantly being interrupted by stings to the face? Schizophrenics need a candidate who is serious about solving this problem.”

Heeding the call of voters like Mrs.Turbin, both Barak Obama and John McCain have started to court the nearly 2.5 million strong schizophrenic demographic. The two have vastly differing opinions on how to deal with the rouge army. Obama has so far not ruled out diplomacy, stating he’d be willing to have talks on a conditional basis with the wasps’ leaders. This plan has drawn fire by the McCain camp which supports increased sanctions and possible military/bug spray intervention.

Senator McCain suffered harsh criticism on this issue earlier in the week when a senior advisor called the wasp army “an invasion of the mind” and suggested that schizophrenics are “whiners.” McCain quickly condemned the remarks and stated he did not share or condone his advisor’s views.

Despite this setback, McCain is holding a slight lead over Obama among schizophrenic voters. A recent AP Gallop poll found 38% of schizophrenics felt Senator McCain was best equiped to deal with the wasp army, while 32% favored Obama and a surprising 30% sided with an invisible closet angel.

“McCain has military experience and a proven track record in similar situations,” said Tim Leskin, a long time schizophrenic and McCain supporter. “We all remember the leadership he displayed during the gamma-ray-shooting-television incident of ’92 and the sunflower invasion of ’03.”

Other core issues among schizophrenic voters in 2008 include: air conditioners spewing scentless poisonous gases; melting of the teeth; electrified toenails; and the spying neighbor across the street who can see through walls.

China Promises Full Access to Parts of the Internet During Olympics

2008-08-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

Spokesman reassures reporters on human rights as well

BEIJING – After initially promising completely unfettered access to the internet for reporters during their stay for the Olympic Games, China now admits it “meant full access to the uncensored portions” of the internet.

“We will keep the promise we made, for full access to China’s internet, which of course, is different than Western notions of ‘full access,’” explained Chinese Olympics spokesman Qin Gang. He elaborated, “Our internet is freer than the West’s, as it is free of lies – which is better, I’m sure you reporters will agree. And if not, we’ll be happy to show you how our internet access is even extended to prisoners.” Qin Gang further pledged a Chinese commitment to improve their human rights record, “by reducing average torture time, as well as our promise to provide athletes with clean air, which we will accomplish by sending them out to sea on a raft if they complain. I’m sure all agree, sea air is quite refreshing!”

Human rights advocates have accused Beijing of stepping up the detention and surveillance of those it fears could disrupt the Games. But Qin Gang said they are doing nothing out of the ordinary. “We have our quotas, you know, just like American cops. Maintaining the level of efficiency we are accustomed to in our vast prison system requires we keep it well stocked. It’s just business as usual.” He added, “We know you Americans are well-versed in this practice as well, having a higher percentage of prisoners than any country in the world. We admire that in you, and hope to emulate your success.”

However, Mr. Gang assured reporters that Chinese prisons are not overcrowded. “Some cells are reserved, just in case,” he said, adding, “we don’t want our athletes to get too comfortable, thinking there won’t be consequences for losing. Also, you reporters need to know you should not get too cocky either.” Prison space needs to be saved for potential terrorist arrests too, he said, especially those that stand in front of Chinese tanks.