Talking With Myself

Hello There...

2009-12-10T23:57:00.003-06:00

Well hello there! It has been awhile since I have posted. Lots has happened since the last time I posted. I am not sure I am ready to put it all out there but I will give a quick run down. Soo... all of the internal struggles that I have been having all kind of came to a head this past weekend/week. As I have said before E and I have been having problems. Well, more like I have been having problems including my relationship with E. That was a conflict in itself. I wasn't sure what I should do, I wasn't sure what was going to happen etc. Well, he and I talked and I guess you could say that we are on a break. We have not broken up, we still live together, we are still going on vacation in 4 days, we still hang out and such and have agreed to see how things work out, but we are also free to see other people. I know it might sound weird, but for now that is what we have decided. And it kind of works.

So there is that. It was mainly my idea to see other people because, well, there is someone else that I was interested in seeing. One of my closest guy friends and I are kind of well, I guess dating. I don't know if it is dating or not, but it feels like dating. We hang out, have coffee, sometimes go out for meals, watch movies and lots of football and just spend time together. He and I had a bit of a disagreement this past weekend and lets just say that we talked about a lot of stuff. A LOT. I was really hurt by some things that he said and just hurt in general and I let him know. I was very close to not only calling off not only this new relationship but also our entire friendship. I was a mess. Instead of just crawling into my shell though I decided to lay it all on the table and tell him everything that I was feeling, and you know what? I think that was just what was needed. We talked via text for hours Saturday night, we chatted a bit on Sunday and Monday morning there was a very sweet email from him asking me to dinner on Saturday night. This dinner really feels like a date. It is a nice place, he is paying, he asked me where I wanted to go etc. I don't know though, I haven't been on a date in gee, 12 years? What do you guys think? Date? Yes, no?

I know that a lot of this is really vague, but it is the best I can do for now. I know that a lot of people might think this entire situation is weird, and you aren't the only ones. I think the entire thing is kind of weird and maybe I need to explain it a little bit more, but I am the happiest I have been in months.

Oh, and did I mention that I am leaving for San Juan in a matter of days? Super excited!

Super...

2009-11-25T22:13:00.001-06:00

E and I got the New Super Mario for Wii. It is awesome. We spent a good chunk of the evening playing. I also baked two pies for tomorrow and made up the mashed potatoes. I get to get up super early tomorrow to start the turkey and the other sides. I can't wait to eat dinner tomorrow!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Tailspin...

2009-11-17T23:01:00.003-06:00

Last night I had a complete mental breakdown. I am still having trouble falling asleep, work still sucks and my life is still in shambles. I just broke down in tears and couldn't stop crying. It was awful. I think that I scared my dog and E to death. I laid in bed forever with my pup snuggled up next to me and finally fell asleep. I woke up incredibly early (for me) this morning and still had that sinking feeling.

That was last night. After an unpleasant conversation I had with someone tonight it almost feels like a weight has been lifted. Maybe I am still angry, maybe I am in shock of how ridiculous the entire thing is, or maybe I am glad that I stopped walking on eggshells and just had it out, but I feel a lot better. I was able to say some things that I really wanted to say and was able to really get things off my chest.

Anyway, one thing I realized through all of this crap going on is that I have great friends. My friend L was so great tonight. She let me cry on the phone to and just vent about everything. She gave me some sound advice and even let me interrupt our call to read a text from this other person. Amy has also been really great with advice and lending an ear.

I can't guarantee that everything is all better but for tonight I will hopefully sleep a lot better and I finally know where I stand.

Now For Something Lighter...

2009-11-12T23:50:00.003-06:00

I find the auto complete very handy in the Google Search. I was very intrigued by the auto complete function when I typed why and why won't into the search engine today. Note the first things that come up. Someone tell me that isn't hilarious.

Obviously that was done on purpose, but man, that is funny stuff.

I am looking forward to the weekend. It should be a nice break.

Time For Honesty...

2009-11-11T22:19:00.002-06:00

As I have mentioned in past posts I have been having an internal struggle. I have been pretty unhappy with most areas of my life for the past month or so. Work is mentally draining to the point where I am angry when I get home each night. I have been having trouble sleeping, I have zero motivation to do anything around the house, I don't want to see friends on the weekends, I don't really want to talk to anyone and I have been having serious questions regarding my relationship.

I am not really sure what is making all of this come up but it is almost like I went to bed one night as one person and woke up another. The thing is, I am not sure I want to go back to being that old person.

I have been coming up with ways to rectify the situations at hand. I had a job interview yesterday that I think went fairly well. I am not 100% sure if I am going to take the new job if offered, but that possibility is there. I am planning on taking a weekend soon and doing a deep clean on my house and purging a lot of junk that I neither need nor want. As far as the sleeping situation, E and I have been sleeping in different spots. Last week I slept on the couch and he slept in our bed. This week he has been sleeping on the couch and I have been sleeping in the bed. Since I had the day off today I bought a new guest bed.

As far as the relationship problem I am still not sure what I am going to do. The situation is very complicated. We have been together for 11 plus years. We have a house together and if our relationship ends I feel like I would just be giving up. I love E more than anything and I don't want to hurt him, the thing is, I don't know if I am IN love with him. There has been such a disconnect between us lately. It is almost like we are roommates instead of a couple. We don't kiss, we don't go out, we fight all the time, and the worst thing is I cannot remember the last time we had sex. (TMI I know) I don't know if this happens in all relationships after two people have been together for so long or what I should do. I don't want to make the wrong choice. I think that I need some time to myself to figure out who I am and what I want before I can continue on with a relationship. Maybe if I have time to figure myself out things will become more clear.

There is one other factor that I am not ready to talk about. It is probably the only thing keeping me sane, but it is also something that is complicating the situation more. It could be the best thing ever or it could end up blowing up in my face. I just have to be patient and see where the road leads.

This About Sums It Up...

2009-11-10T22:04:00.002-06:00

"When I'm with you, I'm up all night. Without you, I can't sleep."

Thank you Deepak Chopra. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I Can't Stop...

2009-11-08T22:17:00.002-06:00

My thoughts. They consume me. I need to find a way to quiet my brain and just find peace. I need to let what happens happen. I need to not make myself so available. I hope that I can find the strength to slow my mind.

No texts, no email, no calls.

I Wanted...

2009-11-04T10:20:00.003-06:00

I Got.

I use the Marc Jacobs Classic Q Hiller hobo 99% of the time, but sometimes trying to find stuff in that bag is a nightmare. I wanted something a little bit different in a brighter color for winter. That is where this cutie comes in. It is the Kendal tote from Cole Haan. Courtesy of Gilt.com.

If anyone wants and invite to Gilt just let me know!

Dear Sunday...

2009-11-01T10:56:00.001-06:00

I hate you and all the gloom that you bring. I know it is not your fault, but I hate you nonetheless.

New Outfit...

2009-10-26T09:34:00.004-05:00

I got the sweater and the top in this picture. I got the top in navy and the sweater in antique stone. In case anyone wants to get them themselves, the top is the silk streamers cami and the sweater is the Jackie cardigan, both from the Crew. The boots are from Piperlime and they were one of Rachel Zoe's picks. Love them. I am going to add some skinny jeans and a cute necklace to complete the outfit.

For The Love Of...

2009-10-21T23:52:00.002-05:00

I mentioned a few posts back that I have been under the weather. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I was still not feeling well this week so I decided to go get checked out. I ended up having to have a chest X ray and lo and behold, I have walking pneumonia. Excellent. Just when I started getting into the swing of things with the running I get knocked on my ass. Boo.

I am going to make the best of it though. I think it will be a good time to just relax and get some rest.

I am looking forward to this weekend. Saturday I have plans with a friend in the morning, then I am going to go shopping for furniture and then work on cleaning up our house.

I am still trying to decide if I am going to go to Houston. Prices seemed to have come down in price, but I think I am going to see how I feel in the next week.

Decisions Decisions...

2009-10-18T21:29:00.002-05:00

I have the opportunity to travel to Houston in the upcoming weeks. My good friend L lives there and has invited me to come out. I think that financially it isn't the best decision at this time, but I think that for my mental health it is just what I need.

I made mention of this somewhat before but I am at a point in my life right now where I feel like I am drowning or suffocating or something. I don't know how to describe it, but it is very unsettling. I am constantly in a bad mood, I can't sleep and I just feel like I can't breathe. I am conflicted the most though because my relationship with E is being affected. Honestly I don't know if this is something that has been coming for along time or not, but at this point we are like ships passing in the night. I don't think that he is aware of it which is equally as frustrating. All in all, I think that the time away would do wonders for me. Right now the cheapest trip I can find is $250.00 round trip. Does that sounds like a good price? I don't do a lot of flying.

On a positive note I have dropped another 2.5 lbs which made my day. I also had an amazing day yesterday. I spent time with a really good friend, and we just spent the day lazing around, drinking coffee, watching movies and just enjoying time together. I really didn't want the day to end.

Feelin Good...

2009-10-14T23:46:00.002-05:00

I did the 2nd day of the Couch to 5k tonight. I had to stop and stretch half way through but I felt really good during and after. I should have actually done it yesterday but stuff came up. I am planning on taking tomorrow off and then running again on Friday night. I have also not been eating as much which is great.

I don't think that I have dropped any weight yet this week, but I need to focus more on building muscle anyway. I am thinking of hitting up a yoga class either Saturday or Sunday morning. I might also hit up one or two during the week before work if I can get myself up that early.

I really need some help on what types of lifting/exercises I should be doing to tone my shoulders and arms, lose some weight off of my hips and legs and also to tone my back and chest muscles. So... pretty much everything : )

I would love to be able to get a trainer but I don't really have the time or money right now. I am going to just focus on doing it on my own right now. I might end up breaking down and joining a gym though.

If anyone has any advice please let me know.

I realized this week that I have been spending WAAAY too much money lately. I have a solution to stop though. I backed out all of my saved credit card info on online sites, and my credit cards have all left the wallet. I was going to freeze them (seriously) but I decided to put them in an envelope and hide it away instead. I am also done with the Starbucks and eating out, I have to cut back on shopping at Whole Foods and start paying closer attention to what I actually buy. I hate getting myself in this situation.

I really need to stop buying so many clothes. Sometimes I don't even wear some of them before I ditch them in a donate pile. I need to just go through what I have, make sure that I can access all of it and see what is available and maybe pair stuff up in different outfits so I feel like stuff is new. So I guess that I need help in all areas of my life huh? If anyone has any advice at all please let me know!

Back on Track...

2009-10-11T17:59:00.002-05:00

I am back on track in the weight loss department. The scale is finally going back down instead of up. I lost 3 pounds this past week. I am hoping to be down another 10-15 before my trip to San Juan in December.

I also started the Couch to 5k plan. There is an app for it for the iPhone which makes it really easy to time. I was struggling with the running for quite awhile, but now I think I am back at it. Today I listened to some relaxing cello music while running and it actually made it go by a lot easier.

Speaking of cello, I have always wanted to learn how to play the cello. I actually asked my mom if I could learn cello when I joined orchestra but we couldn't afford one so I learned violin instead. I have been on a kick of doing new things/things I have wanted to do so I think that I am going to buy a used cello and learn how to play it.

Some other things on my list right now are sky diving, going on a hot air balloon ride, getting a tattoo and traveling to Spain or Italy.

I am still struggling with some personal things right now and I think that my anger/confusion is really fueling me right now. A conversation today really pushed my buttons and I am trying to figure out where to go next.

Long Time No See...

2009-09-20T22:04:00.002-05:00

Er talk.

Things have been pretty consistent around here. Work, work, work, work.

Our Denver trip was amazing. I will have to do a separate recap about that.

I am sick. Again. I feel like I am constantly fighting off a cold.

E's mom and dad are coming up for dinner this coming Saturday. I don't know when I am going to have time to clean, and I really don't know what I am going to make. E's mom is diabetic so it is always hard to come up with stuff to make.

My main issue right now is that I have been really conflicted about something lately. Something that I am not sure that I should even talk about. Maybe I will do a private post just to get everything out of my mind.

Anyway, that is about it. Pretty lame, I know.

Yellow...

2009-08-24T23:28:00.002-05:00

E and I had a slight problem with some yellow jackets moving in to our house. I ended up taking the day off of work today to get the problem taken care of since I kept noticing more and more of them as the morning went on. I figured that since I had the day off I might as well make myself useful around the house. I made some salsa with our home grown tomatoes and some zucchini chocolate chip muffins with zucchini I got at the Farmer's Market.

The really nice thing is since I have to work on Saturday I also have Friday off. E and I are planning on going to the fair in the afternoon, but I am hoping to make another stop at the Farmer's Market to stock up on corn on the cob and more zucchini. This time I am hoping to make zucchini spice cupcakes.

Nothing else has really been going on other than working a lot and the same old summer weekend stuff. I still need to get our upstairs painted so we can get the new flooring in before winter comes. I think that I have also picked out a couch. (Finally)I will have to post a picture of it soon.

I Wanted...

2009-08-24T23:24:00.004-05:00

I Got...

The first booties are by Jessica Simpson (I know right?) and I love them, but since I live in Minnesota and winter is coming I figured I would take the more practical route and go with the tall brown boots from Steve Madden.

Oh Hai...

2009-08-01T10:07:00.003-05:00

Remember me posting about being sick on Tuesday? Well when I feel sick I turn into a gigantic baby and wish for my mom to come and take care of me. I also always want something specific to eat. A McDonald's cheeseburger, some fries and a vanilla milkshake. On Tuesday I went between that meal and a Sonic burger with some tots on the side. I ended up settling for Chinese. Specifically Chicken and Broccoli and Chicken Fried Rice. Which ended my vegetarian eating a few days before the end of the month. I was upset about it for about 45 minutes (which was how long it took for the delivery guy to arrive) and then I got over it. I gave it a shot, realized it wasn't for me and I moved on.

Being under the weather, and falling off the veggie wagon kind of caused a junk food binge the last few days, but I am going to buckle down again starting Monday. I am going to allow myself a juicy burger from the grill tonight, and maybe some potato or pasta salad, but starting tomorrow I will be back to grilled chicken and fish and lots and lots of veggies.

I still feel like horse crap, but I realized on Wednesday morning that it isn't a cold, it is allergies. Allergies are much worse than a cold. A cold will go away. I am red in the nose, my face is swollen and my eyes are watering non-stop. Basically I am one hot mess. I have a hair appointment at noon today so I will go and be pampered by my wonderful stylist and maybe do some retail therapy at the mall while I am there. More than likely not though since it is Saturday and I hate the mall on Saturdays. It is more likely that I will hit up Cub for dinner items and head on home.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. Sorry for the woe is me post. Hopefully you all understand.

Sick Day...

2009-07-28T11:33:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat. I decided to take a sick day to rest and hopefully ditch this sore throat. I hate being sick and I really hate having a sore throat.

I am going to rest, watch Confessions of a Shopaholic and maybe even make some homemade soup later on.

I also need to clean out my closet.

Update...

2009-07-27T19:59:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't been blogging a whole lot, but not much has been going on. I work all the time (or so it seems) I hang out with friends, grill, and lounge around on the weekends and that is about it.

E and I did manage to catch the Harry Potter movie last Tuesday, and we also went to the MN zoo last week.

I had Punch Pizza for the first time recently which was delicious.

E and I booked a trip to Denver over Labor Day weekend.

One of my bestest friends is coming to town next week which I am incredibly excited about.

I learned how to make two different kinds of pickles recently. E planted cucumbers in his garden so we have a lot of them coming in now.

Oh, and I am totally looking forward to the end of the week. On Saturday we are having yet another BBQ and I will be enjoying a gigantic cheeseburger. I never really realized just how hard being a vegetarian is, but I did realize that it is not for me. I am thinking that I am going to cut back on meat, but I cannot go 100% without. I found out today that my friend J that was doing the veggie eating with me gave up the 2nd week in July and didn't tell me! He said that he didn't want me to give up so he just kept it to himself. What a sweetheart (that is totally getting his ass kicked this coming weekend!)

Anyway, that is about all. I am going to try and get E to go see The Ugly Truth this week. He picked the last movie (other than HP) and I think it is my turn.

What A Weekend...

2009-07-05T22:13:00.002-05:00

I got to work the day shift at work on Friday so I was able to start my weekend early. E and I went to St Anthony Village shopping center to grab Chipotle for dinner, went to the liquor store to stock up on beverages for the party on Saturday and hit up Cub to grab the last odds and ends we needed for grilling. When we got home we had planned to hang out with some friends, but instead we decided to sit out on the patio, have a few beers and just chat. Saturday we got up a bit early, made up some of the sides for our party and just took it easy. We had a successful BBQ, I grilled up portobello caps and a MorningStar Farms Italian sausage. I liked the mushroom cap a lot, but I did not enjoy the sausage.

After eating we realized that at least two houses around us were shooting off some pretty fun fireworks so we went out front to watch. Unfortunately my psychotic neighbor (who I have mentioned before) decided to start some drama. I was already pissed since her two gigantic pit bulls almost attacked me, so I went off. It got pretty ugly but thankfully her boyfriend was sober and told her to shut up. Her son also came and apologized later on that night.

Today I got up really early (for me anyway) had coffee with my friend JB out on the patio and then cleaned up the house, read the paper, had lunch with E and did some other chores. E and I also walked to Subway for dinner. I had the veggie delite (the first time I have tried it) and it was so good that even if I don't keep up with this vegetarian eating I will be getting that again. It has been five days and so far so good!

I am hopeful that this work week goes by quickly. On Saturday E and I are going to The Wedge (finally) and to the French Meadow bakery for lunch. Saturday night E is going to order UFC 100 so I am sure we will have a house full of people. I am hoping that we can convince JB to bring Catan. He brought it over a few weekends ago and it was so much fun! I am going to have to order it so he doesn't have to bring it over every time we want to play.

Fun Stuff...

2009-07-02T23:21:00.002-05:00

Everytime I see the Smirnoff Ice commercial where they make a slip and slide on the golf course it makes me think about how much I want a slip and slide.

Two More Days...

2009-07-02T00:07:00.002-05:00

Until I can enjoy some sun (hopefully), some portobella burgers, some delicious sangria, friends and some fun, but in the meantime I will be working, even on Friday. Boo.

I started my veggie diet today and I had everything all planned out. I made a big healthy salad, had some fresh watermelon and blueberries, some black bean dip and some veggies and some butternut squash soup all ready to go. It wasn't until I got to work that I realized that my soup had tipped and had leaked all over my car. Next time I will bring the entire container (cardboard box?) instead.

On top of this healthy eating I have decided that I am going to take a break from buying lunch at work. I am also going to say adios to Caribou and Starbucks (unless E is buying.) I figured out how much I spend on that stuff in a month and I will be putting that into my savings account. Just to make a point anytime I break down and buy lunch or coffee I will be depositing double. Hopefully I can get out of this spending habit I have been in. I figure though, I gave up Diet Coke completely so giving up Starbucks and stuff shouldn't be all that hard, right?

For you Minneapolis bloggers out there, have any of you been to The Wedge? I am thinking of checking it out for the first time on Saturday. Is it worth the trip or should I just trek to Whole Foods?

Quick Update...

2009-07-01T00:08:00.003-05:00

I know I have been gone for awhile. I will be back soon with a bigger update, but I have decided to do something BIG for the month of July. For the entire month (this weekend included) I am not eating any meat. I am really stepping up my game of healthy eating and I think that this is a perfect way to go about it. If it works out and I actually enjoy it it may become a permanent change. If not, at least I gave it a shot. I will be back with a full post soon. Promise!

Oofdah...

2009-06-13T00:15:00.002-05:00

I am so glad that this week is over! Work was long and boring once again, but at the same time it was a welcome change. I have been so mentally drained worrying about my dad. Every time I thought about it I had to fight back tears. To make matters worse my co-worker and friend B's dad had the same incident as my dad.

Today my dad went to get checked out. The doctors did an angiogram and found a blockage that was pretty much cutting off the blood supply to the right side of his heart. They did angioplasty and put a stent in. He had to spend the night in the hospital but will hopefully be able to go home tomorrow.

I talked to him on the phone this evening and just broke down. I felt bad since he had just gotten out of surgery, but we talked and he gave me the breakdown of what happened at the hospital. I am going to go home next weekend to spend some time with him for Father's Day.

Tomorrow I have a quiet day planned. I have to take TJ to the vet to get his annual heart worm test, then I am going to go to Whole Foods to get some groceries for the week and maybe make a big salad from their salad bar. Every time I go by the salad bar I think about how yummy it all looks. I am then going to clean our house up since E's dad is coming this Sunday, and I have laundry piling up. Tomorrow night E and I are going to grill and have a nice dinner alone (hopefully)