Randomly Ray

New Pantoum for PD

2009-11-22T21:30:00.000-08:00

Silence

In silence
“Quiet as it’s kept…”
“You better not tell
nobody but God”

Quiet as it’s kept
though silence equals death,
nobody but God
and you

Though silence equals death;
Lies equal truth.
And you
Hide behind the mask

Lies equal truth
You better not tell.
Hide behind the mask.
In silence

Quiet as It's Kept: Gay Men Speak

2009-11-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

I thought a twink was someone 18 to 25....

and when did "bear" mean overweight guy?

bear means furry

when I gained 20 lbs

not necessarily chubby

right but almost every chubby guy I know calls himself a bear

I have never understood all of the terms and classifications..

.

I just read your comment about 30yr old twinks. LOL. I totally agree

what wrong with just being a hairy gay

or a fat gay guy...

I'm a bear or cub tho'

There shouldn't be anything wrong with being any kind of guy, gay or otherwise.

But living in the most superficial, agesist and sexist community on Earth kind of blows everything out the window.

you think gay society is ageist? really?

I was kidding.

ahh, yes the the great generational divide.

Quiet as It's Kept: Gay Men Speak

2009-11-09T17:49:00.001-08:00

I'm bored...................working on my anti-twink gun. It's experimental

lol

mmm... can I work on that gun with you?

lol

Is it going to age them, or explode them?

my gun will age them.......a fate worse than death......LMAO

lets all get our cocks out and party

I'd really hate to laugh when you do

where are all of the hot little 'pool' boys just looking to wait on me hand and foot....lol

they're all here @ my house

I think there's a convention in twinkville this week

i'm thinking subway, that way i can get food and 12inches at the same time
all for 5 bucks

doesn't seem to be much going on

nope......pretty slow

DAMN! I hate this friggin rule book..........it says he can't say hi to us because we're over 40......damn book

love to see guys in their 40's in here LOL

I think I'm going to build a time machine just so that I can go back to the 90's

Heavens! Why?

i fucked my ex and he was with someone else i am a horrible person

that was your ex and your decision

no youre just gay

okay thats what i though

karma

karma on who?

the ex made the decision to break trust of the bf

yeah

but it is in the past and its over

and has any lesson been learned?

yeah it sis the past and i aint doin it on a daily basis or anything---it aint my fault my dick is good and he still wants it haha

ignore phone calls from work is the lesson I learned

I would let him go though because if he cheats on his bf with you then he could be cheating with others.

sounds like consenting adults

but who am I to say

i aint stressin it--what i do is what i do---think of me what you will cause i dont care---but one thing i do know is that in the past 5 years i have only been with one man and if thats a ho then i guess thats what i am

no that does not make you a ho

makes you a rare person

I wish the 20 something crowd did something for me, but I like my menz in their 30's

I guess the 40's are out of the question?

No why do you ask?

because i'm in my 40's and didn't want to be left out

I'm not leaving folks out

I don't want to be left out either

u said "30's" and i wasn't sure if it stopped there for you

just stating a prefererence

I know what it's like to be in my 30's but not 40's

I don't imagine it to be much different

but 20's and 30's has proven to be a WORLD of difference for me

it's not, except you're in your 40's

now I know why most 40 something guys are looking for guys 20 and 30... they have been 20 and 30...LOL

not exactly, if i may be so bold

sexually my 30's have been better than my 20's

be bold if you like but I find it to be ture.

I love how I make my man feel and how it bounces back to make me feel it too

i think what we know is what we experienced

Is my life going to change 1,000 times over in my 40's?

if your lucky

like the spins I had to endure in my 20's?

let's just hope you have a lover at that point,,,

no, except you'll be in your 40's....it's not a death sentence

who said anything about death?

are you talking TO me, or THRU me?

I'm not talking death,,,

what happens in your 40's is that you get your own age attracted to you, but oddly and unexpectedly, younger guys are interested. they pick you

I can attest to that

yeah true

not all younger guys i hasten to add!

It almost All i was interested in

he is in a dream land

now I'm getting attracted to guys in their 20s it's strange

I'll prolly hang myself on my 40th birthday

"when I think about you I hang myself"

I know. I'm not playing nice. I won't portray you as victoms of the heteropatriarchy (even though you are, for the most part affluent, white, middle-class males).

I show you for who you are.

Bad Ray.

For PD (and others): a New Poem

2009-10-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, Manma, I know
you’re choking on all the things
you could not say
because you were a working-class girl--
pregnant at fifteen--
so you never mattered.

Yes, mamma, I know
It’s all because of me
And I tried to make it right
But, after all, I am your son.

I am your son, mamma.
I’m just a working-class boy.
I tell the truth
and the rest be damned.
I don’t know how to lie;
I don’t know how to play nice
because you could not teach me how.

We are who we are.

Yes, mamma,

I know….

Quiet as It's Kept: More Gay Speak

2009-10-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

Friend: mmm hmm, and you love that boy fucking your ass good and hard too. I was at ______'s last night for an over night stay and a I fucked him again. lol.

Me: Overnight? Wow, it must be LUV.....lol

Friend: lol....I think last night was the 3rd overnight stay at his place in the last two weeks.

Me: It must be luv then....lolololol

Friend: lol. Well, I do luv spending time with him. lol And he's said the words but you know my heart belongs to my partner. Not that I don't care about him a lot.

Me: Yes, and there's his "b/f" who he said was taking him to Bermuda or the Camen Islands or some damn place....so romantic.....

Friend: lol...Yeah, there's that too. He's got quite a delimma with his BF and liking me so much. lol

Me: Yes, quite the dilema...
One monkey don't make no show...
An errection doesn't have a concience....
Men are dogs....we just can't help ourselves....

la, da, da, da, da, da

Friend: Yeah....we are bad, but it feels sooo good being so bad.

This is how every gay man I've ever known behaves because this behavior and this attitude is acceptable in our community. But as my friend said: "Well, there are certain things that go along with the marriage equality that are important to couples like us. Like if one of us is hospitalized, the other wouldn't have a legal right to see them, and then there's the bullshit when one of us passes the other has to pay taxes on half of the house when we've bought it together for years. So it has a lot to do with the benefits of marriage that count most."

We don't want marriage. We want the benefits of marriage and that's what we should be fighting for because that would be equality.

Still think gay men deserve marriage equality?

Guiet As It's Kept...Still think Gays Deserve Marriage Equality?

2009-10-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Another little dialogue with a friend of mine. Gay men are so sad...(Of courese they don't see it that way as long as we don't tell straight folks). But they are. Want proof? Here's a conversation with a friend whose been in a relationship for five years (that's like 100 years in gay time) Keep Reading:

Me: What are U doing up so late? 2 b/f's not enough?....lololol

Friend: Oh watching Chelsey Lately. And is there ever enough b/f's in the world? Lol. Been in the garage the last 3 days and nights working my ass off on our organizations system. Ugggg

Me: I dunno....I think of Freida Kahlo. When asked about Diego's infidelity she said, "Does a riverbank suffer for letting the river run?" But the truth is that Freida suffered greatly. I think of you sitting alone in a hotel room in Hawaii while your partner was off with someone else that he met in a bar. Not to judge....You know I love you...I just wonder...

Friend: But we are both very hoot darling so it works for us. You going out to Greg's tonight? Having some dinner with Trent at Ivys then headed to Greg's to meet___________and some other friends.

Me: And no...I'm not going to Greg's....U know I'm not the bar type....not "hoot" enough I guess.

To gays, being HOT is what counts.

Of course, we would never say this in front on straight folks. Straight folks wouldn't approve. And we soooo want straight folks to approve and to think that we are just like them.

Still think gays deserve marriage equality? Even those in Long Term Relationships are non-monogamous. Marriage is: "Forsaking all others 'til death do you part." If you don't have that, then you don't have a marriage. And, therefore, the idea that gays are not trying to redefine the definition of marriage (that redefinition is inherent in the mere fact of asking for same-sex marriage)is ridiculous.

More gay real speak to come....

Afterthought: A new Poem by P. D. Gourlais

2009-10-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

I read this today and it gave me chills. I am so happy and so excited that my friend P.D. allowed me to share it here! The opening line stopped me cold....how many times have I felt this way?

But read on...

And thank you P.D.

Afterthought

Maybe we were happenstance.
Two nomadic souls
crossing a Great Divide.

At the edge
of the pier, moja kochanie,
your eyes searched my eyes
for a very long time

and without words,
your sign matched mine

and we kissed.

We passionately kissed at 3 a.m.
on the shore
at the Lake of Neuchâtel.

We made music with our romantic hums.
We held each other tight.

We held each other close and tight

against waves
of invisible color.
Fluid and flowing,
so much light escaped,
while swimming in
the irises of our soft,
Buddha eyes.

You led me home
on a late-night Tram
to where we talked
curled up in spoons.

I let the emotion of love
lift the fibers
of my heart, and like
a puppet,
I surrendered myself to you.

I surrendered myself to you
until you fell asleep

right there by my side.

I followed the cadence
of your even-keeled breath
until I sailed into
dreams about you.

What would I give now?
To be more than an afterthought.

We need to feel lucky somehow.

What would I give?
Moja kochanie,

We need to feel lucky somehow.

P.D. Gourlais

Quiet as it's Kept: Still Think Gay Men Deserve Equality?

2009-10-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

A typical night in a gay chatroom with typical gay men
(don't talk to me about equality):

WHAT IS WITH FAGS THAT HAVE BEEN WITH OVER 500 MEN?

they are popular??

AND U WANNA TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE EQUALITY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

i must of missed that

I wanna see the proof that's a spectacular claim

they are whores and cant help themselves

U BITCHES ACT LIKE ANIMALS.U DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE ANIMALS.....PERIOD

YOU ANIMALS ACT LIKE BITCHES AND YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE BITCHES.... END OF STORY

i must of came in durrin a convo

thanks i am not the only one to see it lol

U WANT PROOF....HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S HAD SEX WITH OVER 500 MEN

yep, I used to be a big old slut

Fags annoy the fuck out of me

that's funny, cause you annoy the fuck out of fags

lying whores

what is goin on?

someone is mad someone else is getting laid

oh damn

fuck u

uh huh

thought so

oh my my my

he is always looking for cock ALWAYS!

please place your man rod into my snatch

yeah, but he hasn't gotten that many of them
just stalked them that's the difference

if he were more attractive he'd have been able to reach 500 men

at least i don't brag that I've beem with over 500 men.....but claim i'm not a whore

gotta love a whore with morals

well, he is old

is that like a whore high in fiber?

and of course it is impossible for people to change right, that was well over
5 years ago

it only breaks down to a guy like every 2 weeks

again....fuck u.... u shallow faggiot bitch

why don't you take your drunk ass to an AA meeting?

aww did you turn him down too?
not quite sure why he decided to go off on me tonight

again....fuck u.., u shallow worthless faggot whore

I need someone to cuddle with me while I fall asleep

are you guys getting married

that is called a joke... I just invented it

well i wanna be a brides maid ill still make that ugly dress look good

WORTHLESS....EVERY DAMN ONE OF U

we love you too

FUCKING WORTHLESS FAGGOTS

ooh... your anger is turning me on

speak for yourself

oh is he like serious

and your even hotter now that your 27... instead of 41

nah, just drunk

got ya

he dropped his age from 41 to 27, and still, no one will sleep with him, so he's a tad bitter, methinks

awww
thats sad

nothing is wrong with it

EQUALITY....MARRIAGE....U BITCHES ARE NOTHING BUT ANIMALS AND DESERVE NOTHING MORE....FUCK U

41 and ugly is differnt than 41 and hot!

I'm scared... please hold me

we all have an opinion and you are free as FUCK to state it

AGAIN FUCK U....

wow, he must really be loaded this time

hosting studs to suck off...

can we say alcohol poisioning?

?

im not a bitch or a whore

well, he doesn't actually get laid, he just stalks mexican boys

can't we all just drink and get along..

some make me laugh really hard

im bored

i need a drink

please don't

party at my house!

what am I gonna hold

PUKE

SHUT THE FUCK UP MR. "I'VE BEEN WITH OVER 500 MEN"

uhh yeah

ummm yeah

do you know this guy or somthing

does he have these outburst often

yup, pretty much

'cause i have some really good pills that help that

Jesus mary and Joseph

I'm just going by what he told me...he told me he had over 500 men.... typical fag

anyone looking?

see?
y'all fuck anything that moves...lol

Still think gay men deserve EQUALITY? Don't talk to me about equality until gay men change their own behavior and their own attitudes.

En Vino Veritas: Poems for P.D.

2009-10-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

"I'll stand before your altar
and tell everything I know...."
-Joan Baez, "Play Me Backwards"

"en vino veritas.." as they say. 5 new pantoums for P.D. So melodramatic and a bit pathetic (I should be ashamed but I'm not). Hope you like.

“God doesn't make trash,” you said
Except for me
Discarded, cast aside
So you could be famous in the blogosphere

Except for me
Who loved you
So you could be famous in the blogosphere
Quoted in the New York Times.

Who loved you
Beyond all reason
Quoted in the New York Times
You said to me, “Why tell the truth when you can lie?”

Beyond all reason
Discarded, cast aside
You said to me, “Why tell the truth when you can lie?”
“God doesn’t make trash,” you said.

You were something without me
I was nothing without you
Screaming into the void
I was just a ghost thru the fog

I was nothing without you
Your love meant life to me
I was just a ghost thru the fog
Until you rescued me

Your love meant life to me
But now you’re gone
Until you rescued me
I was nothing

But now you’re gone
Screaming into the void
I was nothing
You were something without me.

And one that's a bit of a throw away....not really "written" by me. Found, borrowed, re-interpreted. Anyway, it's second hand news:

Where is the reason
Don’t blame it on me
Don’t blame me
Blame it on my wild heart

Don’t blame it on me
You say that you’re leaving
Blame it on my wild heart
There is a reason even the angels don’t give up at all

You say that you’re leaving
You don’t even know how to start
There is a reason even the angels don’t give up at all
A charmed hour and a haunted song.

You don’t even know how to start
Don’t blame me
A charmed hour and a haunted song
Where is the reason?

I suffer my darling P.D.

Do you know what it is to be gifted, talented, brilliant (so I'm told....I don't mean to brag) and have it mean nothing while lesser talents and frauds are lauded?

I wish I could be like other people and not give a damn.....tell people what they want to hear ("Why tell the truth when you can lie", my ex used to say) but I have a soul I can't deny and won't sell just to get by. I feel deeply and sincerely and can't live otherwise.

I can't pretend to be anybody but me.

As Muriel Rukeyser said (almost): "What would happen if one woman (or anyone for that matter) told the truth about her life?
The world would split open."

There is nothing here
This is just life
This is just Earth
And this world is not my home

This is just life
And we must endure
And this world is not my home
A river and a rock would solve the problem

And we must endure
We must go on, I guess
A river and a rock would solve the problem
Is that the answer?

We must go on I guess, I guess
This is just Earth
Is that the answer?
There is nothing here.

And finally this:

Love is
Pain and possibility
Lovely alliteration
Piss poor philosophy

Pain and possibility
What a joke
Piss poor philosophy
How’s that?

What a joke
You know the one about….
How’s that?
Funny, isn’t it?

You know the one about…?
Lovely alliteration
Funny, isn’t it?
Love is.

This is You According to Me

2009-10-10T11:28:00.000-07:00

This is how I feel today:

I'm the guy you say you want.
I'm the guy who doesn't lie to you.
I'm the guy who doesn't cheat on you.
I'm the guy who would do anything for you.

I don't want to "play with others"--I want you.
Hard to believe, isn't it?

I'm the guy who loves you.

But I don't come wrapped in a pretty package.
I'm over 30 so I'm "dead" to you.
I'm not your type.

"It isn't you. It's me," you tell me. And you're right.

"I want you to be happy....so I'm leaving you."

What does this say about you?

You don't deserve me and we both know it.

"Now it's just another show
You leave them laughing when you go
And if you care
Dont let them know
Don't give yourself away."

What am I saying?

Why am I writing this?

I dont know....

This is just how I feel.

For PD: A New Pantoum

2009-09-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

Weep

“Sometimes
you just fall
from
Grace…”

You just fall
stare at your own reflection
Grace…
escapes you

Stare at your own reflection
and the man in the mirror
escapes you;
within you weeps

And the man in the mirror
from
within you weeps
Sometimes.

Support the Phelps-a-Thon

2009-09-23T20:22:00.000-07:00

Several years ago a student of mine, while studying the Holocaust, told his History teacher, "Well, I feel bad for the Jews. But Hitler killed gays and lesbians and those people deserve to die." This same student told that same History teacher that he regarded me as a father figure. When I approached the Director of our school and told her I wanted to come out to my students, she discouraged me. After all we were privately funded. Parents might withdraw students if they knew they had a gay teacher. Instead, I chose to teach my students The Laramie Project.

I taught "The Laramie Project," the play about the after-math of the murder of Matthew Shephard, to a group of 8th and 9th graders as part of our school's "Peace and Justice," week. I was fortunate enough to meet Matthew's mother, Judy Shepard, when she spoke at Butler University that year and she was kind enough to send me a video of Matthew to share with my students. At the end of the teaching unit, one student, who had previously expressed very homophobic views in class discussions, said to me after class: "Well, I still don't agree with his lifestyle, but he didn't deserve to die just because he was gay."

It might not have been much, but it was a start and it was my proudest moment as a teacher.

I had little or no resistance from students or parents when teaching The Laramie Project. I was very fortunate.

North Central High School in Indianapolis has not been so lucky.

NC's attempt to stage a production of Laramie has met with protest by the Westboro Baptist Church tomorrow, September 24th from 2:55-3:30PM.

A counter-protest--the Phelps-a-Thon is also planned that will be a fundraiser for both the North Central Gay Straight Alliance and IYG (Indy Youth Group).

Come out and lend your support!!

These clips are from the HBO production of "Laramie:"

UPDATE: According my friend, Ian over $6000 was raised in the counter protest!! Congratulations to the counter-protesters who outnumbered Westboro 200-5!

Gay quote of the day

2009-09-14T17:49:00.000-07:00

"I'm a big fan of divorce, short-term relationships, and people moving on with their lives gracefully..."
Alex Blaze/-Bollinger of The Bilerico Project

I know you, like most gay men, like to think of yourself as "edgy" Mr. "Blaze" but that attitude and your behavior (the last time I spoke to Alex, he told me that he had gone to the bath house and had sex with a half a dozen men) is really very retro. it's soooo 1970's-"supposed-sexual-revolution-pre-AIDS."

You, like a lot of gay men, want to keep us slaves to our sexuality.

But some of us have grown up since then (sorry you missed the sexual revolution since it was before your time).

But thanks for setting us back 30 years or so....

Let's face it: As a 26-year-old gay man, you're too shallow to be capable of much more....

Talk to me when you're over 30 and past "gay death." (Though I hear that 25 is "gay death" these days so your days are already numbered...)

Very telling, isn't it?

Oh that's right...

You don't intend to live past 30 ("I'll be dead by the time I'm 29," he once told me).

And why should you?

Every relationship is doomed, I suppose. Even if you say, "Till death do us part," you imply temporality.

But no relationship is temporary....

I was with Stephan for 6 months...I still remember his favorite song (20 years later) and think of him when I hear it.

He is still with me.

I am writing this post in reference to Alex who is long gone (and I know it).

And he is still with me...

Still, short-term relationships such as most gay men experience are pretty meaningless. No wonder straight folks find the idea of "gay marriage" so hard to swallow.

Unfortunately, this retro-attitude is all-to-prevalent in our community. Even as we fight for a repeal of DOMA and supposed "marriage equality." Simply put, gay men want to have their cake and eat it too. Gay men tell themselves and each other that there's nothing wrong with their behavior or their attitudes (so long as straight family and friends don't know): There's nothing wrong with going to the bars every night. There's nothing wrong with being alcoholic or addicted to drugs. There's nothing wrong with hooking up online. There's nothing wrong with playing with others while you're in a "committed" relationship (Straight people have affairs, don't they?). There's nothing wrong with going to the bath house and having sex with a dozen men or more. There's nothing wrong with having sex in the parks or the men's room (you see straight people having sex in the park all the time, don't you)? This is acceptable behavior within the confines of our community (just don't tell straight folks). That's just our culture. That's just the way we're wired. We can't help it. BUT, they tell themselves and each other: We're no different than straight folks. Our "love" is equal to their love. We deserve equality.

You can march all you want.

It won't happen. If we want full equality, as we claim we do, then we have to change ourselves, our attitudes and our lifestyles. We have to be willing to grow up past the age of 25 or so. And, let's face it, that's the last thing most gay men want.

I think the time has come for us to decide: Do we want to stay as we have been, as we are? Do we want to remain a subculture or do we want to assimilate?

Do we want change? Because we can't have it both ways. We need to make a choice because until we do, full equality will never happen.

Note to Mr. "Blaze" (and gay men like him, who think that,

"All men are dogs, inclined to sniff butt before shaking hands. It's how we are wired...Don't worry about that mythical "bigger dick" that is always just around the corner. It is like the brass cock ring on the merry-go-round of gay love. We'll all still be reaching for it on our deathbeds just because we are men.
")

: You're not doing us any favors. You're not helping matters with your constant chatter about sexual liberation. According to Alex being gay is just about sex:

Me:"I mean, are we really (we it comes right down to it) just fighting for the right to fuck?

whoever, whenever?

Alex: Well, aren't we?

I mean, it's not like gay/bi people are really all that oppressed if they just marry the opposite sex and keep their rockets/coochies in their pockets."

You, and gay men like you, are holding us back. You're really just a slave to your sexuality which hardly equals "liberation".....Like most gay men you just want to live out your porn-inspired fantasies....

But hey...enjoy "gay life" while you can....

Some of us are ready to grow up.

The first line of defense from the gay community will be: "straight people do it to."

I don't give a damn what straight people do or don't do. My concern is for my family, for my community, for the men I've loved as my own. Because they are my own.

And right now, simply put, we have to be better than them.

"We are the ones we have been waiting for...."

Le Mot Juste

2009-09-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I normally post a poem on Thursdays and today is Saturday but here it is (for what it's worth):

Letter to the Muse

This is not a day for poetry.

This is a day
For chatting online
And drinking cheap wine
And sleeping.

Not a day for poetry.

Let the Muse raise her head
Lift her voice
And be ignored.

This is not a day for poetry.

This is a day
For television
And foreign films
And calling an old lover

The Muse be damned.

This is a day
For laying in bed
And sleeping late
And eating the brownies my grandmother made
As I contemplate "the meaning of things."
And find there is no meaning
Things just happen...

This is not a day for poetry.

But since you insisted
Here is a half-assed try.

Come Down Off the Cross Boys, Somebody Needs the Wood

2009-09-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

Bil Browning:

Oh, no. You don't get to claim Latino privilege on this one." You're the whitest Latino I've ever seen. :)

Alex Blaze/Bollinger:

whitest latino? I'm darker than perez hilton.

Spare me...

You can't get any more white or middle class than Car-mel, Indiana where Alex is from (or Wisconsin, for that matter); white middle-class privilege Alex has taken full advantage of.

My ex, Alex, is an interesting case, however; he is of mixed race and mixed class. He can legitimately lay claim to both white, male, middle-class privilege and minority status whenever it suits him (and he does).

But I get so tired of the privileged, middle-class gay male, "but, oh woe is me..." bullshit. Privileged gay men who constantly bitch and moan about how "oppressed" they are as they take full advantage of the privileges that being middle class men afford them.

As Allan Berube observed:

"(B)uilt partly by white, middle-class-identified, college-educated gay men around a belief that homosexuality could and should stand alone as the organizing principle for our lives and work — as if our homosexualities had not been significantly shaped by our race, gender, and class ... what I experienced most directly as a white gay man with little money and no college degree was how the gay community reproduced class hierarchies."

Yes, homophobia transcends race and class, but that doesn't equal oppression. Yes, there are inequalities and injustices to bear and they call for change. But that does not equal oppression. As middle-class men the world will gladly hand you whatever you ask for because in spite of your sexual orientation you are one of them.

Walk a mile in my shoes, boys. You'd never walk again.

But what do I know?

I'm just an an educated, working-class boy from the Eastside....

U Got Punk'd: Bilerico Style

2009-09-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who is addicted to SIMS. Every day at work we would get an update on her SIMS life-- the house she bought, the furniture, the car, the cloths, etc. She became obsessed with SIMS and discussed little else.

I have a friend who read about "Second Life," in the paper and decided to go online and investigate. For the rest of the summer we got daily updates on his "second life...." It was his new obsession. He could go on for days...

Blogging, for some, takes the "second life" phenomena to a whole new level.

Bil Browning is a man who lives on disability because of his severe bipolar disorder. He's worked as a convenient store clerk and not so long ago was a pizza delivery boy.

When I met Alex "Blaze" (his real name is Alex Bollinger) in 2007 he was 24, living with his parents and unemployed.

They went online and created a blog space where they could pretend to be anything they wanted. Alex Bollinger became Alex Blaze who claimed to be an elementary school teacher when, in fact, he was merely an ENL tutor who only worked 15 hours a week and is now nothing but a kept boy(in one of our last phone conversation Alex said he wanted to be a "kept boi" and..surprpise, surprise..now he is)...that's if you don't count what he called his "fake job" at Bilerico.

Two years later and they're being quoted in the New York Times.

The truth is: These boys are so full of shit, it's a miracle they can walk.

And yet they are hugely successful and widely quoted...

Bil-- the former convenient store clerk and pizza delivery boy-- now writes for The Huffington Post. He is referenced in the New York Times and featured on CNN.

And Alex.... I could go on and on...He lies adout his identity, his age ("Do I really sound like I'm over 27?"), his profession, his credentials, and yet....

They are middle-class white males (or at least they aspire to be middle-class white males) and so we should hang on their every word...

Alex (or at least his online persona "Alex Blaze") 'a mouthy white 20-something with zero credentials who channels Dana Carvey's Church Lady' was featured in The Guardian,

Why?

Because they went online and said so.

Because they went online,under false pretenses, and told you what you wanted to hear.

And you bought it hook, line and sinker.

The problem with bloggers is that they they are are uneducated, unprofessional and out of control.

Alex called me from France: "YOU DISAGREED WITH ME. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DISAGREE WITH ME."

I was the first person ever banned from the Bilerico Project (and I'm proud). Why? Why? Because I revealed Alez's AGE (24 at the time...26 now) something he doesn't want readers to know. Or maybe simply because I'm Alezs -ex

Bloggers take it personally: "I can't not take it personally," Alex once emailed me (note the double negative), "Because IT'S YOU AND YOU'RE SPECIAL."

The problem with bloggers (aside from the fact that they're uneducated and often misinformed and simply sensationalistic) is that they're simply megalomaniac: "YOU DISAGREED WITH ME. YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DISAGREE WITH ME."

You're banned.

So much for "freedom of speech."

Is this what I should tell my students? "Forget your degree and your education. Just go online and fake it 'til you make it. Nobody cares. You, too, can be famous in the blogosphere and that's what counts.

"Why tell the truth when you can lie?" as Alex always used to say.

I realize that you are struggling to stay edgy, and cool, and hip...

But...

All I can say to NPR The Huffington Post, CNN, The Guardian, The New York Times, Matthew Continetti and the readers and writers of The Bilerico Project is:

YOU GOT PUNK'D!

They may as well have quoted a SIMS character.

Just Live by P.D. Gourlais

2009-08-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ray invited me to post my theater piece titled, "Just Live" before it debuts in October. I was so moved that he appreciated it, I agreed. Here is the final version that I did at the stage reading. Enjoy! P.D. Gourlais

Female actor is to perform in a hospital gown. A single chair may be placed on the stage.

Just Live By P.D. Gourlais

They say that I am distressed. Distressed. Tormented, maybe. Somewhat troubled. At the moment, inconsolable. I am only constructing my definition of love. I crossed the line. After years, I verbalized the three words that I wanted to say. The longer I repressed my need to speak, this taboo became a demon. It has overtaken my mind and my body. Yes. My soul is distressed. Shook up. Habitually, I am joyful, calm and comfortable. They are right. These circumstances have left me feeling distraught. My married lover said, “this road is ours to choose”. This struggle is the knot, the We, where her life is bound to mine and mine to hers. Who are we? Academics? Artists? A mix of both? I don’t have the answers. What I do know is who I am. I fight, everyday, for the right to be me. And to most, who I am is not all right. I apologized for the senseless, filterless, mumbo jumbo that poured from my lips. It must have been perceived as a torrent of madness- so suddenly and without warning. I promised that I would respect her wishes. So, I am. I will not contact her again. My family and society forbid this love. What is ethical about identifying oneself as a lesbian? Nothing. They say two women making love goes against nature. Is that to say my being is unnatural then? No matter what they say, an illicit love like this has limits against so much opposition, as I do. Everyday, I traverse this boundary again and again. Keeping one’s homosexuality on the inside is acceptable behind the seal of silence. My thoughts and feelings broke through into articulation. I will never be able to take them back. Regardless, I am moving forward. I was born a seeker. I am curious with no cure. Maybe my primary disease is an ambition to find meaning everywhere. Where do I fit in to what makes sense? I thought that professing my love candidly might have been a balm for our universal pain. After all, we are both combating the problem with no name. I imagined if she were to agree or at best, feel the same, our love might have flourished. I was wrong. I found a fragment at the library the other day by Lao Tzu that said, “. . . because of deep love, one is courageous”. I risked and when I confessed, I was rejected. I would make the same choice again- to tell- since I believe silence is cowardice. In the middle of this misfortune, words no longer served their purpose. I lost my voice. This was not by choice. My mother found me, without clothes, mute, lost and wandering through our neighborhood. Years of accumulated trauma added up to this incident. I had no shame. I forgot my name and for a while, I existed apart in a new reality. Here in the hospital, they always revisit labels. They present many diagnoses until they agree upon a single one to attach to me. What will they choose this time? The mark will outlive me. These records are a part of my history, my biography. I fit the profile of a gay artist; one whose life is plagued with mental torture, verbal and physical abuse. I am so much more than a victim. I am a survivor. I have championed many roadblocks; ones that could have been insurmountable. I am a woman, a lesbian, and now this. I am reduced to adjectives such as manic, schizo, deranged, psychotic, berzerk and delirious. Will these emergency incidents outlive all that I have accomplished? I dwell in shadow where I fear my family will burn my diaries. They may edit my poems or throw them away altogether. My mistress told me that I live in an emotional vortex. I do. Who wouldn’t be intimate with madness after what I’ve been through? I am more vulnerable now than ever before. I am invisible. She failed to see me. Most people do not see me as they regard me with a critical eye- the woman I should be. Doctors in chairs lounge around and play guessing games with my life. I make an interesting case study. “We’d like to read your writing”, said one shrink. I didn’t turn a single composition book over to him, as I knew he would use my Art as evidence for his claims. Are my thoughts not personal and sacred? I have never hurt others or myself. Not once. Though I willingly disclose general details, I could never piece together every instant of my life. They only brush the surface of whom I represent, what I think, feel and behave. They blame all of my problems on an imbalance in brain chemicals. My brothers and my father agree with these conventional opinions. Like doctors, they have most of the power and control. The message is I am female, therefore, emotional. Worse, I am an irrational, homosexual female with no more credibilty or reputation. My married lover confessed to me, in secret, that above all, she yearned to act on her instinct and not worry about the outcome. Then, she gave me two words of advice: Just live. I recalled the first time she reached out her hand to touch my breast. My friendliness for her shifted into erotic desire. In lust, she is the one that made the sign and I followed. Now, she regrets what happened. What is not natural and human about attraction? What is more perverse is to deny this encounter occurred. She fears our secret will come out. So for her protection, I agreed to abide by her rules. When I see her, I pretend she is nothing more to me than a stranger. I cannot avoid the truth. It corresponds with the story in her eyes, the warmth in her hands and the patience of her long, passionate kiss. I grieve losing her. “The time is not now,” she said, “I will wait years for you, my beloved”. Maybe she thought I am willing to choose the same fate but I am not. Love is a trajectory that never takes a time out. I was mistaken about her. I am a seeker. I am insatiably curious. Scrapping for knowledge comes with a price tag. Whatever they say about me, distressed or mentally ill, it doesn’t matter. The damage has been done. Though I may never escape this undertow, I know one thing to be sure- she is not returning. She cannot. I refuse to live a lie. Love does not require that one beg for acceptance. I am gay but I was born a woman first- a woman with possibilities and choices. My last words to her, whoever she has become are these, “whatever it is you dream, give yourself this gift”. I can’t save her from her double life. The sand in the hourglass is slipping away. She can’t save me from despair. I never expected her to. I’ve already been there alone. Here I am, in a surveillance room, an unbending, resilient, lesbian woman who endures the black.

P.D. Gourlais

Monday Shorts (on Tuesday)

2009-07-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a new story in a while but I'm working on one as we speak. Needs major revision but I'll hopefully have it up soon. In the meantime, Dame Winterson has a new story written for Ox-Fam.

Enjoy!

"So I will tell you how I came to find the sun running beside me...The sun is a democrat. Rich and poor alike stand in his rays. Dogs are democrats too, and don’t discriminate between Gucci and worn-out. That is not to say that they have no discrimination — they do, but dogs are on the side of love. They love life and they love you, and they will valiantly do their best to love life, however inadequate that life may be, and they will valiantly do their best to love you, however inadequate you may be. Dogs are love on four legs. 'Yes,' they say, 'I will, and yes, and 'yes.'"

For John

2009-07-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Always....

Le Mot Juste

2009-07-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

Haven't written any new poetry in a while, but I did find this great clip of Willem Dafoe reading "Little Gidding" V from T. S. Eliot's The Four Quartets

"Venus doesn't glitter..."

2009-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

I love this song. I've love it since I was 15 years old. Stevie at her best. Here is "Garbo..."

Michael Jackson: 1958-2009

2009-06-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows, Gary, Indiana native Michael Jackson-- the self-proclaimed "King of Pop,"-- died yesterday afternoon. I heard about on the car radio as I was driving home. Ironic, because for me he was always something of a radio star: I liked many of his songs and enjoyed them whenever they came on, but was never impressed enough to buy his CDs or go to his concerts. The same with his videos: I enjoyed them but wasn't as blown away as everyone else seemed to be. Anyway, I thought I would share some his songs/videos here; some of my favorites:

FromThe Jackson 5

From Off the Wall

From Thriller

From Bad

Freedom Killed the Video Stars

2009-06-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

A guest post from Robby Slaughter

From my vantage point running a small business in Indiana, it’s impossible to avoid the tremendous array of “opportunities” for additional streams of income. Each is brazenly associated with an incredulous claim: healthy chocolate,superfood fruit juice, free jewelry or the existence of a subconscious blueprint in the millionaire mind. Given the number of programs and the persistence of their promoters, fairly evaluating each is a full-time job. That’s why I am taking on just one of these ventures. Here’s my report on iLearningGlobal.

Read the full post on Turning Left Against Traffic

Just My Latin Obsession

2009-06-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

A friend shared these videos swith me and I thought I'd share them here. Are you listening PD?

here is a better version.

And there's this by Aventura:

Le Mot Juste

2009-06-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

An old pantoum (I don't think I've put this one up her before):

Killing the Monsters

He was the father of all those who followed him
All those who came after were
echoes of him;
Ripples in a shallow stream.
All those who came after were
stones he cast ahead of me
Ripples in a shallow stream
Shadows in the shaded wood where we lay.
Stones he cast ahead of me
I stumbled and fell; stumble and fall
Shadows in the shaded wood where we lay
Whisper to me, even now.
I stumbled and fell; stumble and fall
Echoes of him
Whisper to me, even now
He was the father of all those who followed him.