Mykee's Blog

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

2009-05-27T18:03:00.001-04:00

Make sure that you have sound. I love this video. It just makes me smile. In the tragic sadness of everyday living, there is an enormous amount of beauty to be found and shared. Thank you, Matt, for reminding me, us, about this simple truth.

Fighting In The Pizza Parlor

2009-05-24T10:45:00.001-04:00

WARNING!!

This video is very upsetting. My friend turned it on to me, and I was left extremely troubled and saddened. If you get a chance to look it up on YouTube, please look at the comments that follow this video. I am not sure what disappoints me more: the obvious barbarism of the video, the sadness of our inhumanity towards one another, the zebra mentality of onlookers, or some of the comments I read below the video based on fear and ignorance. I am disgusted by the actions of the two violent individuals in the video, not only as a black man, bat as a citizen of humanity. The perpetrators' reactions are despicable, in spite of race, but no more so than the comments of hatred and nescience that I read following the video.

We have such a long way to grow. We are still infants in our existence. I am bent by it all; and yet, I am not broken. I am hope, and I have hope. I would love to read your comments and reactions, my friends.

2009-05-18T13:51:00.002-04:00

Good News! I know many of you have been waiting, and I've been lazy, so I should tell you: It is SARCOIDOSIS, not lymphoma. I'm asymptomatic, and that's a good thing. I'll try to keep you posted on any other developments.

Other good news. I've been writing a lot for my book lately. Unfortunately, this means that I haven't been posting a lot. I want to post stuff, but then what would be the point for you to buy my book. You may laugh now. Seriously. Laugh.

Well, I will give you some teasers soon, but the juiciest parts will have to wait for the book itself. I wouldn't want people to stop booking me because I revealed the ancient secrets of Tykan Chi. Look it up.

By the way, if you are having trouble finding Tykan Chi it's because I made it up. See? I have a lot of juicy things to share with you, and it will be up to you to figure out if they are lies or just plain truths. Good luck on deciphering my ramblings.

Live long and prosper.

2009-03-06T03:00:00.001-05:00

“Dokyo wrote his last words while seated in the upright
Zen position. Then he put down his brush, hummed ‘an ancient song’
to himself, suddenly laughed out loud, and died.”
The Death of Dokyo Etan, a Zen Monk, taken from the book,
Japanese Death Poems

Lately, I’ve been thinking about death. A plethora of books and religions have been written on the matters of living and dying, though the overwhelming scholarship dedicates itself to the functions of life. That being stated, it should be of little surprise that even the matter of death is mostly treated as the annoying, younger sibling of life, (e.g., how to live after losing a loved one; the stages of death grief). What is to be said about our own deaths? What advice can be passed along about how to face, (if we are fortunate to recognize it), that brave transition? Death is inevitable, so we are told; or, at the very least, the physical death is inevitable. There is no escaping, my friends, we are condemned to die. All the religions of the world cannot save us from this savagery.

I think about my own demise. How will it approach me? What veil and costume will it choose to cloak its misshapen appearance? Will I know her when she arrives? Believe it or not, I don’t pray to avoid death; I think I want to embrace her when the time comes. When Dokyo Etan died it seems he released his spirit. He laughed out loud and then died. What an eerie, yet amusing, event. What a presence he had about him to choose his final breath. He consciously released his spirit. He wasn’t the first to do this, (Jesus Christ, among others, did likewise: while on the cross, he bowed his head then he died), and he wasn’t the last, but certainly one can applaud with much appreciation the manner in which Dokyo Etan succumbed to the inevitable. He died laughing! What a joy; an ultimate victory: to leave this life laughing.

What of my own death? Recently, in an x-ray, it was discovered that I have several, abnormally large nodules surrounding the Hilar region, (chest and lung area of the body), along with some that have found themselves under my armpits. So today, March 6, 2009, the day before my 38th birthday, I will go in to the hospital to have a biopsy taken from the area of my lungs. The doctor believes that it may be a disease called sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is an inflammatory disease, potentially fatal in some carriers, though most people live with the disease unbeknownst to them. I am asymptomatic. I would not have discovered these nodules if it weren’t for an emergency room visit I had concerning a pulled muscle in my lower back. When they x-rayed my body they found nothing concerning my initial complaint, but they found these nodules. It was unrelated to the reason for my hospital visit, but once it was discovered, I followed up, (at the recommendation of the hospital), with a CT scan. I admit I was alarmed at first. When you get an x-ray result that states: you have a prominent silhouette of the hilar region – it fails to bring comfort. I think that my response was something along the lines of: “What the hell does that mean?” And then I felt panic. The CT scan confirmed the initial findings of the x-ray: I have enlarged nodules. I was still at a loss. What did it mean? The panic subsided when I took the follow-up steps of visiting my doctor and then scheduling an appointment with a thoracic surgeon. For me, serenity has often been obtained by having more knowledge and less obscurity. It was after my visits with the doctors that things became clearer. I have sarcoidosis or lymphoma.

Lymphoma is another affair. Briefly stated, lymphoma is cancer, cancer of the lymph nodes. This disease, unlike sarcoidosis, is not just an inflammatory disease. It is The Disease. The Great C. The Beast. The Unknown. The rapist of the body. Death personified. Surprisingly, I have not been overly anxious by this possibility. Technically, I was not meant to discover these nodules at this present time. I hold on to this mystical, yet vaporous, comfort. And with this mixture of tossing emotions, I face today. The biopsy will clear up some questions.

What do I feel? I suppose the overriding emotion that exists is a sense of peace. At the moment, I feel no fear by what may lie ahead. I hesitate to say this because I know that many of my friends rush to bring me hope, albeit, unsecure as it is, these friends seek to alleviate what they perceive would be a natural reaction on my part: panic. They want to bring comfort by telling me that all will be well; that it will not be cancer; that cancer does not happen to someone like me. Their intentions are positive. They want to raze the fear they feel for me or their approaching mortality. What they achieve, however, is more problematic. I shut down, and then I raise an emotional barrier. I feel sadness, not fear. I need no false hope, no cold comfort. Quis ero ero: what will be, will be. If it is sarcoidosis or cancer, I will take the necessary treatment steps to deal with it.

I am not trying to put on a brave face. I will be fairly expressive about all my emotions along the process. I’ve never been adept at forgoing public announcements concerning my private life. I just don’t think denial of any possibility is my best comrade. I will suffice it to say that I don’t believe that this current process is how I will die, though it is a test of how I choose to live. Please do not misconstrue what I am saying. I hope that it is sarcoidosis over cancer, but I have no fallacies concerning my mortality. I will one day depart this life. It may be soon or it may be years from now, but I shall drink the same poison found in apples, within foreign gardens, of long ago. It is heartbreaking that I will not be a part of the carnival ride forever.

But what of my sadness; from where does it spring? My sadness is the byproduct of the sadness my death will create for others, primarily that of my daughter. What if my time is now? My daughter, Saskia, not yet five, is hooked to me, as I am to her. I shudder when I envision the turbulence from which her young life would quake with such a loss. And I am stuck with this enigma: I am ready for my own death, but I am not ready to die now.

Life is queer. We are here but for the moment, moving towards our death the moment we are born. We fall in love, establish friendships, and fret over our pets; we hate one another, inserting our vitality into the hips of greed and disparagement. We are immortal spirits trapped inside mortal vessels. Oh, how beautiful and terrible is this gift of life, this commonality of death. I am thinking about all these things today. My death is tracking me; she is timing her approach. If my time is not now, make no mistake, death has already begun to hum my tune. I hope to laugh when she sings her song, bowing my head, delivering a final joke, and then taking her hand.

2009-01-30T19:50:00.002-05:00

am i afraid? you ask.
i've spent 30 years walking with morbidity
whispering in cemeteries
drinking liquid candy of melancholy
flirting with silence as if it were melody
and you ask, am i afraid?
no, i don't think so;
i've earned the right to simply smile,
nodding at this carnival man
who now seeks to disturb me.

2008-12-10T13:53:00.002-05:00

Read the essay below.

2008-12-10T13:38:00.001-05:00

When Others Are Oppressed

There he was, Sean Penn, masterfully playing Harvey Milk in the current and timely film, MILK. I sat there for two hours completely absorbed, humored, impassioned, and ultimately, deeply saddened and grieved. I couldn’t help but to think about a line from a Greg Brown song: “why does good change take so long?” Why do we, as human beings, take so much joy in seeing others oppressed, others suffer?

MILK is a movie about Harvey Milk, California’s first openly gay supervisor who was assassinated by fellow supervisor, Dan White. It unfolds as an intriguing, emotionally provoking, yet terrifying, depiction of what fear can do. One can replace the struggle of the gay community with the struggle of any group that has been oppressed. I contemplated the advancement we could make as human sojourners if we stood together, if we recognized that their fight IS our fight, thus, removing the silly categories of group that limit us.

I thought about the suicides of Bill B. and the thousands of gay, lesbian, and transgender youth and adults who were hated, tortured, teased, ostracized, and/or judged by a world built out of sands of fear. I thought about parents who reject their children because they believe being gay is a choice. I thought about Jesus and how it would grieve him to see his children suffer at the hands of those who claim to know him. I thought about myself, and how my struggle as a black, heterosexual male is defeated if I can’t speak out and up for my brothers and sisters who are gay, Hispanic/Latino, Asians, women, transgender, physically challenged, elderly, Muslim, Jewish, raped, abused, hungry, or voiceless. Is not my cause their cause? Can any of us truly be free when others are oppressed?

I thought about California’s Proposition 8. I thought about how 70% of the African-American vote in California voted to uphold Proposition 8, overturning legalized, gay marriages. I thought about the forward steps in the civil rights movement when Barack Obama was elected, and then I thought about the stumble backwards on that same day. How could the African-American community, the same community who wept, wailed and bled for their equal existence to be acknowledged by the masses, be the identical group who would support a proposition that, in short, sealed the shackles of tyranny for another group? How could this possibly be?

I thought about the tears Harvey Milk, had he not been assassinated, would be weeping on this past election day. I thought about my family and loved ones who are gay/lesbian/transgender. I thought about shackles and yellow stars and closets. I thought about bombs falling and government lists and associations and accusations. I thought about my daughter, and the world we are passing on to her. And I cried. And I thought about my tears, and how I weep for the gay community, and how I stand with them because my struggle is their struggle. And their struggle is my struggle. “We are all in this together. We are all in this alone.” – Pierce Pettis

“And you’ve got to elect gay people, so that child and the thousands and thousands like that child know that there’s hope for a better world; there’s hope for a better tomorrow. Without hope, not only gays, but those blacks, those Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the Us’s . . . without hope, the Us’s give up. I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. You, you, and you got to give them hope.” – Harvey Milk

Tearful Republican reverses his stance against gay marriage

2008-11-07T10:55:00.001-05:00

I was deeply moved by this Mayor's speech. I, too, felt disheartened by Proposition 8 in California. Why? It was the irony of it all. Our country saw the first multi-racial president elected, in part, due to the record turnout of African-Americans at the voting poll. Proposition 8 was passed in California, in large part, because 85% of African-Americans who voted supported Proposition 8.

For those of you who do not know about Proposition 8, allow me to summarize. Proposition 8 was a voting point to ban gay marriages. However, gay marriages were already made legal in the state of California several months ago. Why was this important to people, who are not gay, to ban? Could not the African-American community see that we as a country made leaps in civil rights with our presidential choice, but stepped backwards with the support of Proposition 8? I need to ask the African-American community: could you imagine a proposition for re-instituting segregation on the voting blocks every two or four years? How safe would you feel? And don't you realize that no one is free when others are oppressed?
Do you not see that the civil rights movement was not just a "black thing", but a human thing? And do you not comprehend that by setting back another group, you set your cause back?

Thank you, Mayor, for following your heart, regardless of this setback. I stand at your side. I speak for all who have been oppressed. All. Not. Just. Me!

Wassup 2008

2008-10-29T08:37:00.001-04:00

This had me laughing in hysterics. Ha! Love it!

2008-03-09T11:38:00.000-04:00

I've never quite cared for fashion, and style is in the eye of the beholder. I like how certain colors (like black) look on me. I've never been hip to all the changes in fashion. Don't get me wrong, I can dress very well, very cool, if I actually give a damn about what is labeled, "hip" or "cool". Usually, I just don't care. And I'm not trying to be a rebel, I just be who I be, and throughout my life that has been labeled everything from devil worshiper to freak to "what the hell?" to "turn down those colors!"

What's a guy supposed to do? There have been times when I have gotten in trouble for my dress assembly. I went through a phase in college where I was really into collecting knives, mainly hunting knives. Now, I've never hunted a day in my life, and personally, I don't care for the activity. My interest in hunting knives was an interest in knives, not hunting.

I purchased this very cool knife one time at this midwestern fair. I still have it today. It is this amazing, Texas toothpick, hunting knife. It's so rad. I love it. In any case, one day I was getting dressed at college, and I thought of the coolest idea. I would wear my camouflage, army pants, black boots, black t-shirt, and my knife, locked and loaded, attached to my boot. It looked so badass.

As I've mentioned in previous writings, I attended a conservative, evangelical Christian college. And it probably goes without saying, but dressing in that style and going to morning, religious services did not show a great deal of prudence on my part; although, I never thought it would cause the stir it caused. I was pulled aside by the campus police, because someone called me in, stating that my dress was very threatening, and that they were worried that I may do harm to someone.

Are you f'n kidding me? I'll tell you what, after being pulled aside like that, I most certainly wanted to do harm to someone.

Well, eventually, my camouflage clothing days faded away, and I moved on to other fashion styles, and some of them people actually liked.

Now, jump ahead with me. A couple of months ago, I was getting my daughter dressed for the day. I picked out a shirt and pants that looked good together. My daughter, with eyebrows raised, was incredulous. She said, "Daddy, that doesn't even match! Let me do it."

My daughter is three. . . .

Some things never change.

2008-03-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

Saw my mom in the hospital today. She will be having open heart surgery on monday or tuesday. three of her arteries leading to her heart are 90% blocked. she went to the hospital yesterday for a catherization. she expected to be out of the hospital within hours. after the catherization, the doctors told her that it was not good news. they immediately admitted her to the critical care unit. though bypass surgery is somewhat routine these days, there's a reasonable chance that my mom may not make it. this makes me terribly sad and troubled. Did I see my mom for the last time today?

My friend Matt wanted to comfort me. He said, "I'm sure your mom will be fine." I said, "And what if she doesn't make it? Whether she makes it or not, her life is in the hands of God." I've never really been good at duping myself, at pretending that everything always works out for the best. It's not the way life is. My mom will die some day, and it may be on Monday or Tuesday or 20 years from now, but the one thing I can't do is pretend that this may not happen soon.

I couldn't keep a smile while with her. She's scared as hell. She's so torn, so sad. I am so sad, so torn. I couldn't do much except cry today. I wanted her to hold me like she did when I failed that test in the 5th grade. I wanted her to hug me like she did when I was busted for shoplifting, and the store owner wanted to press charges. I wanted to hold her and let her know that I am in pain, as well.

I knew when I reflected on Joan of Arcadia that God was telling me to pay attention and prepare myself.

I sat there in the hospital room and wondered if I was ready for all of this, and these tears that run down my face right now have no simple solution. The bear has jumped out in front of me and is loudly roaring.

"You can take it in stride
or you can take it right between the eyes
suck up, suck up, and take your medicine
it's a good day, it's a good day to face the hard things."
Cloud Cult, 'Take your Medicine'

2008-03-07T23:30:00.000-05:00

Some of you know that I had an interesting few days a couple of weeks ago. I felt that my death was somehow approaching me. Then I felt that it wasn't necessarily my death, but something that had to die within me or around me.

I was feeling rather anxious on my birthday today. Didn't know why. I took a nap and I had a dream about my tooth falling out for no reason. Apparently, teeth dreams are about blocked anxiety within a person's life. Why was I feeling anxious?

I suspected that it was because my mom went into the hospital for an explorative scope; the doctors wanted to see if there was any blockage to her arteries. My ma doesn't have a crazy amount of medical problems, but she does have some concerns.

The procedure was only supposed to last a couple of hours, and then she would be released from the hospital within the same day. Perhaps I was feeling anxiety because of this. I hadn't heard from my dad, and I was slightly worried.

When I went out for dinner with Tessin this evening I couldn't concentrate on the meal. I needed to find out what was going on. I called my dad and he told me that they had to admit my mother to the hospital because she needs an immediate triple bypass on her heart. You heard me right: a TRIPLE bypass.

I don't know how I feel. I'm numb. I feel as if death is approaching my mother. I'm trying to gear up for the worse. No sense to give myself some idea of false hope. For if she dies, that will make it much worse for me, if I sit there and say, "Oh, she'll be fine." I am much more of a realist than that. I am not afraid of death. We all must die. But though I know death's inevitability, I am sad about death, and the thought that I will lose my mother one day. I just don't want it to be now; yet, I sense that this is one of the signs I was sensing a couple of weeks ago. And oddly enough, I feel as if there are more signs to come. This is only the beginning.

2008-03-07T13:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Charlie:

Do you remember back in that April of 1993, back when I was on that desperate train that had gone far out of control? Do you remember? I called you one day because I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. I tried to call my mom and tell her that I was in pain. I tried to tell my mom that I never really wanted that boy to take advantage of me. I tried to tell my mom without really telling her, but she couldn't see that I was bleeding, so she just kept cutting. And I was almost bled out, Charlie. I almost bled it all out on that day, Charlie. My thoughts were cutting me, and I wanted to jump from that train. I was almost convinced that jumping would be fun. I almost couldn't see past the moment of my jump, but then I called you. And you listened. And you pulled out that bandage. And I cried because it hurt so bad, Charlie. And I never saw God more clearly than on that day. You listened. You prayed. You let me cry, Charlie. And I almost couldn't take it. I wanted to punch my head through a wall, so all the blood could come out at once. And you never made me feel bad for that.

If ever the time comes, I would gladly lay down my life for you, Charlie. You have always been the soft whisper of God in my darkest nights.

Dear Aine:

It's strange how timely it has been for your footsteps, your friendship to enter into my life. I know you think that you don't have the magic words to speak me out of the whirlwinds and hurricanes that beset my path, but you, Irish soul, listen graciously with heart. Your words and thoughts have brought comfort to me. It was you, in my darkest moments in the fading autumn light, who reminded me that darkness was only the absence of light; darkness truly doesn't exist within a relationship unto itself. It corresponds to the degree of light. Darkness can only exist if light dims herself; darkness can never take over light. It was you who reminded me of this simple truth. And I know I've said this to you before, but it's worth saying again, you, with laughter and truth, have melted some burden down. Ferron said it best:

And I found that all the world could love you save for one. And I don't know why it is, but that kiss will be the haunted one. You'll pine and weep and you'll lose good sleep and you'll think your life has come undone, until you learn to turn and spurn that bitter wind.

Because it'll probably be the one you least expect to, who will wager through your storm with you, who will give your fears respect... who will melt your burden down...though you probably don't want that yet, still...the odds fall sweet in favor to an open heart.

So, that's it. I'm learning to turn and spurn that bitter wind. I just wanted you to know that I am deeply blessed to have your friendship in my life, at this time. And when you do finally resign yourself to those Irish shores, know that you will always be irreplaceable within my heart.

Dear Charlie. Dear Aine. I think on you two today, my birthday, and the friendships you've bestowed upon me. And with this, I give thanks.

2008-03-07T05:30:00.000-05:00

What more could I say? This day is cloud dust and star shine.
Mostly what I choose to make it; mostly almost done.
And yet, as I breathe, as I know,
We, (mostly I), are fortunate to dance with each other
in time, in step. Who knows what our silence will bring? Who knows if we will be awakened, or sleep with sleep, dreaming
about it all again? For now, I am grateful to curl in my bed,
returning back to that place where I almost knew all the
answers. Birthdays should not feel sad; yet, something about
the rain coming down causes me to focus on the rain coming
down. I am the perfect seven on the dice, so humbled and
gracious for all of you beautiful friends. All of you.

Happy birthday to me.

2008-03-02T15:24:00.001-05:00

The Rubik's Cube: A theory in defense
of the existence of God

We've all seen the Rubik's Cube; that six sided enigma that has perplexed simpletons and the brain-powered. To some mathematical geniuses, it is just a fascinating equation, one that can be solved using a minimal amount of moves. To me, it was, and remains to be, a luring quandary.

I started playing with the cube when I was 10. I studied books on the cube, and would spend hours trying to solve it. When I eventually solved, (with the help of some suggestive books), I decided to mix and match different approaches in solving the cube. (I've never been quite good at following someone else's approach.) I had Rubik's cube books that claimed the cube could be solved in 45 seconds or less. I've never been able to solve it that quickly. My fastest time was 70 seconds.

When I was younger I focused on results, (e.g., how fast could I solve it, why is it so hard to turn at times). I wanted to do it faster and faster. But alas! 70 seconds was the best time I could get. Eventually, I got bored with the Rubik's Cube, and I put it away.

Within the last six months, I mentioned at a show about my Rubik's Cube abilities. After this show, a girl came up to me, holding out her cube, asking me to solve it. I froze. I hadn't seriously tried to solve the cube for more than (Gulp!) 20 years. And because the cube is not a mathematical equation to me, (geometry was the only math I disdained), I was stuck. I couldn't solve it. I couldn't remember my moves. I walked away embarrassed that I even mentioned my Rubik's Cube days.

I went home determined to solve the cube, once again. Within hours, I was able to solve the cube; I rediscovered the process. It's odd how things start to come back to you when you haven't done an activity for so long.

This time around, though, I was intrigued by the process, the "how," and not the "how fast." There are hundreds, maybe thousands of ways to solve the cube. I have my series of 20+ ways. One approach that remains consistent with me is that I start off solving the cube by working on two opposites first. The color patterns are always the same: red/orange, blue/green, white/yellow. Therefore, if I choose the yellow as my first color, the white side will follow. Before fully completing those two sides, I arrange the corners of the four remaining colors, and then I finish the rest of the two colors with which I began.

Upon completion of the initial colors, I work on completing the remaining four sides. However, in order to complete the remaining four sides, one must be willing to "upset" the order of the two completed sides. When I am solving the cube I don't even pay any attention to this disturbance; it is what is necessary when I am trying to solve the cube. I thought about how wonderful of a metaphor solving the Rubik's Cube is for life. If there is a lot of distractions and disturbances and confusion for a relatively simple cubed equation, what more can be said for the distractions and disturbances and confusions within the multi-variables of life?

As some of you are aware, I am intrigued by philosophical and religious meanderings. I love to sit and ponder; this brings me joy. Lately, I've been reading and listening to discussions about Evil. For those of you who are unaware, the problem of evil is the chief weapon for atheists in their defense that God does not exist. Personally, I believe God exists. Yet, I can't just ignore this serious premise: If God exists, why would God allow evil? If God is loving and benevolent, almighty and omnipresent, why would God allow bad things to happen to good people? Why is there suffering?

For the sanctity of blogging, and for the sanity of my reading audience, I will keep this discussion to simplicity; yet, I recognize that even simplified, this discussion can be discoursed equally as well with mushrooms, as with sobriety. By the very nature of this discussion being philosophical, some of you may bow out right about now. For those of you who are still around, let us enjoy one another's company.

I can get bogged down with themes such as the local and global arguments from evil, the idea of God, the hiddenness of God, and the suffering of animals to approach this discussion. However, time and interest is of the essence; therefore, allow me to draw upon my rediscovery of solving the Rubik's Cube as a general, but faulty, approximation of why evil exists.

Earlier, as you may recall, I mentioned two salient points concerning the cube that I would like to infuse within this discussion. First point being, there are multiple methods to understanding and solving the cube. Secondly, the process in which I take requires the disruption of seeming perfection in order to obtain holistic perfection. In other words, I must first destroy the two sides I solve in order to complete the remaining four sides.

Could not the Rubik's Cube, in theory, be seen as a working metaphor to address this question? What if life, as we know it, (or life unbeknownst to us), is working to achieve some level of perfection? And what if this journey is far more extravagant than some simple cube? What if the mathematical computations are played out through billions of years, with infinite possibilities, with pieces (i.e., people and things) that don't necessarily fit within their given time and space, and can only later be understood through reflection or the revelation of other factors? What if God is beyond the scope we place on God? Beyond the books and sermons and suicides and prayers and judgments and boxes in which God so neatly fits? What if God can only be God? What if stopping all the evil would no more be of God than stopping all the good?

When I solve the cube I solve two opposite sides first; the opposites work in tandem with one another. They work together and rarely against each other. What if these opposite sides were to be seen as love/hate, evil/good, suffering/healing? What if to God the framework is not greater and lesser evils, but rather, greater and lesser goods? And what if it is about the intentions of things, rather than the acts themselves? For example, if I say to you is a mother evil if she purposefully shoots her child? Would it matter if I told you the mother was mentally ill? A criminal? Or if I told you that the mother had been wounded during war time, dying, and her eight year old girl would be raped, tortured, and killed by her captors. Would that make a difference?

We can only see through this glass darkly. We are trapped within the immediacy of our time. We attempt to understand the pieces of this cube we call life, but we don't know the intentions or strategy of the Cube Solver. Onlookers can only gasp and remain baffled by the movement of life within God's hands, and what appears to be the destruction of perfection, what we label as evil, could in the end, be set to serve the greater good.

2008-03-02T11:55:00.001-05:00

the unilateral decision concerning bilateral hearts

You twice asked me to completely move on,

as if it were like stretching,

and not like rubbing sand to make diamonds.

I am amazed, blinded by your persistent

faith, by your dedicated, Catholic belief

that we are wrong for each other.

I wish I could sing like a lute;

words aside, harmonizing to your lilting voice.

But alas! I have lost. I am jazz to your self-reflective pop.

I once avoided an argument with you

over the use of the word ironic by Alanis Morissette.

We both remained smitten by her song.

It appears ironic to me that you were the only

one who fastidiously held to your druthers

that my death was not rapidly approaching.

This is ironic because, in truth, it was your hand,

thrusting that heavy dagger of disbelief

up under my rib, piercing my heart, and bleeding me out.

2008-02-28T10:28:00.000-05:00

The complete story of this strange presence of death

In my early teens throughout my early 20s, I had this strong sense that I would die young, violently. Part of this sense had to do with what I envisioned myself doing in the future. I pictured myself working with gangs, ministering to them on the streets. As I got into my mid-twenties, the presence of death subsided within me.

Within the last two weeks of February in the year 2008, the appearance of death has revisited me. I want to document its path so that all can understand that I am not just superimposing random incidents, though, some of you may still feel, after reading these words, that I am being dramatic about some mere coincidences. So be it. I'm just trying to read the signs on the wall. I'm just paying attention to a sixth sense.

Let's start.

About four weeks ago, I found a bunch of bumper stickers that I had purchased about eight months ago when I was in California with a dear friend. I had thought that I had lost these bumper stickers because I couldn't figure out where I had misplaced them in my house. I was ecstatic when I found these bumper stickers. I looked through the lot of them and I chose four that I wanted to eventually put on my suitcase. The four were:

COEXIST (with each letter being drawn with a symbol from all the world's religions)

"Why do we kill people, who kill people, to teach that killing people is wrong?"

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." – John Lennon

Homophobia is a social disease.

Those were the four. Not a big deal; they were just bumper stickers.

Jump ahead.

Two weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night because my stomach was bothering me, and I could not sleep. I decided to watch a couple of episodes of Joan of Arcadia. Unbeknownst to me, at that time, my mother, around the same time, jumped out of her sleep, panicked, stricken with an overwhelming fear that something bad was going to happen to me. But then again, my mom can worry about all her children. That's what mothers do. I didn't hear about her concern until the next day. I heard it in her voice: she was scared. I just ignored it, at the time, because she was annoying me. But I would like to go back to Joan of Arcadia for a minute.

I've spoke about this before, but I will reiterate now. Joan of Arcadia is not just a t.v. show to me. For some reason, (this will sound crazy to some of you), it speaks to me as if God is directly speaking to me, bringing forth lessons I need to learn or to which I need to pay closer attention. The first episode I watched in the wee hours of the morning was extremely moving to me. I cried because I felt so moved and sad by the story. I felt sad because of the people I've hurt in my life and those who have hurt me. That is what I was taking away from it at that moment. However, there was a scene in this episode that struck me as well. At the beginning of the episode, God, in the form of an older woman, said to Joan, "You need to pay close attention, Joan. You are about to be tested, and I need you to pay very close attention." A similar statement was repeated later on in the episode by God, in another human form. I wasn't paying attention at this point.

Jump ahead with me.

On Friday, February 22, I had a snow day. (Yay, for me!) I watched movies all day. One of the movies I watched was "The Killing of John Lennon", a story about Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's assassin. This guy, Chapman, was most assuredly mentally ill. He became obsessed with John Lennon being a phony and felt that his life mission was to kill Lennon. And that's what he did. John Lennon died a tragic, violent death. The movie was unsettling, but I wasn't reading the signs, yet. It was just a movie that made me think about the possibility of someone doing that to me.

(Now, my friends, I'm not having a god-complex nor am I thinking that I am so important that of course someone will want to kill me. Still, at times, I pay close attention to individual reactions after I do my show. Some of the reactions that I have experienced from audience members have been extreme, not violent, but extreme. After watching the killing of John Lennon, it just gave me pause to think about this. John Lennon and I shared a similar vision and philosophy concerning the world.)

In between my movie watching, on this Friday, I was burning CDs onto my iTunes so that I could eventually put it onto my iPod. There are several artists of whom I have multiple CDs. The ones for which I have the most CDs are: Bob Dylan, Ani DiFranco, Greg Brown, 2PAC, Larry Norman, Tori Amos, and Bright Eyes. When I load any one of these artists onto my iTunes I try to load their whole collection, so as not to forget which ones I have remaining.

Friday, I decided to put Larry Norman onto my iTunes. Larry Norman brings back a lot of memories for me. He has been labeled the grandfather of Christian rock. I hadn't listened to his music for quite some time; it was cool revisiting his planet. I looked up his website to see if he had any recent CDs. He did, but I couldn't order any of them because his website was under reconstruction. I saw that he was still doing performances, but had cancelled his last show on February 1^st.

Now, as I was burning some of his CDs onto my computer I went looking for my "Juno" cd. "Juno" is a movie that was up for best picture. I found my Juno cd underneath a movie called, "Across the Universe," a musical movie using no other music except Beatle songs. John Lennon was a member of the Beatles. At this point, I started feeling those old feelings of death. They weren't overwhelming, but they were there. I started to read the graffiti on the wall.

On Saturday, I continued to burn more cds of Larry Norman. I have too many cds of the man!

On Sunday, I woke up with a more intense feeling of my own death. There was science of logic to it, but it was strong. In getting dressed and packed, I grabbed my bumper stickers and put them on my suitcase. If you remember, one of the bumper stickers was, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." – John Lennon. My eyes were wide open.

On the plane, flying to Minnesota, I put my iPod on randomized and just mellowed to music. Currently, I have 7,634 songs on my iPod. That's a lot of songs! So, I found it odd that within the 1^st 10 songs two of them were John Lennon songs, one of them being "Imagine," the song from where the bumper sticker received its words. My heart started to race a little bit more.

On my drive to my hotel, I called Tessin. We are no longer married, but we have remained very close to one another. I needed to speak with her about what she needed to do, if anything were to happen to me. I told her that I had a very strong sense of my own death. I felt certain that I was to die soon, tragically. She immediately said, "Please, Michael, please, don't say that. I didn't tell you this because I didn't want to scare you, but in this last week, I have had two dreams of police officers coming to my home to inform me that you have been killed." I then thought about my mother's strong, frightening sense of some danger involving me. I shared this with Tessin. I scared Tessin.

On Sunday night, I wrote a blog on my MySpace. These are the words with which I started: 'There is no simple way to say this, so I will not mince words: My death feels imminent.' I tried to briefly explain to my readers that I feel this very strong sense of my untimely death. I was reading the writing on the wall, trying to make sense of it all.

On Monday evening, I read on Randy Stonehill's blog the following words: "Larry Norman's Passing to the Next Life." What? I read it. Larry Norman had died in his home on Sunday, two days after I 'randomly' (for you skeptics) began putting his music onto my iTunes. Now, understand this, I hadn't listened to Larry Norman for more than a year. I stunned into silence.

I scanned the internet for any articles I could find. One of the article that I read said the following words: "In a message posted on his Web site, written the day before his death, Norman said he knew death was imminent." He wrote that message the day after I looked at his website.

It's strange. I felt oddly comforted by Larry's death. I felt that I was not making up what I was feeling. And then the words of Joan of Arcadia hit me, again, "Pay attention, Michael. You are about to be tested."

I don't think that I necessarily have to die, yet, but I think that something is coming that will challenge my very physical existence, and if I pay attention, I will be able to survive it. I feel as if God may be giving me a chance to make that choice. I don't think my death is what is supposed to happen, unless I am careless, unless I fail to pay attention. The writing on the wall is too great to call it random. I am comforted by this, as well. And know this, my friends, (this includes you, my dear one), I love you deeply. I do not love wisely, but too well.

2008-02-24T03:00:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on my daughter

Pet peeve. So, people want you, as a parent, to be tied to the themes of collective parenting. You discover this before your child is born, and throughout the child’s development. It goes something like this . . .

Be Giddy

At your child’s birth, you must be giddy, blown away by the fact that you produced (or involved in producing) this wonderful gift. Happiness should abound, doubt needs to be discarded; all is well.

The Famous Question

The famous question comes in form of a question, and sometimes it comes in the form of a statement. Simply stated, “Can you imagine your life without your child?” Or “I bet you can’t imagine what you did before your child was born!” People who say these things tend to have the same dumb, annoying smile spreading across their smackable faces.

The Innocent Fantasy

The innocent fantasy comes in a couple of forms, from what I can see. People want their children to remain “innocent” for as long as possible or forever, whichever one happens last. Or they raise holy fire on sport athletes if they show their deteriorating humanity, because, you know, their kids are going to be ruined now. Their children have idolized these athletes and these athletes owe their lives, their perfection, to the generation of innocent children. Dammit!

Just you wait

“Oh, well, just you wait until they become teenagers . . .” And blah, blah, blah.

My response

The birth of my daughter was not a happy day for me; I was embarrassed. I didn’t see myself as a father. I didn’t want to be a father. Nothing about the position offered solace. I didn’t love Saskia until she was five months. Friends couldn’t understand this . . . or could they? I think some could, but they were afraid about what the pressure police would think. I was anything but giddy at my daughter’s entrance.

Yes! I can very clearly imagine my life without my daughter in it. Do I wish this to happen? By no means! However, my life was not empty without my daughter; it is filled differently, now, but it feels more like a reshaping than a mere filling. And perhaps it is best stated by this card I picked up a couple of months ago: There are lives I can imagine without children, but none of them have the same laughter and noise. My days with my daughter is a gift, if she were taken from me tomorrow, I would be less for a while, but eventually more, having known her pretty voice. And my life would continue.

I don’t want Saskia to be innocent forever. I don’t. One of my friends was asking me how I will explain to Saskia about my art and photography collection. I have paintings and photography, hanging in my house, which entails artistic levels of nudity. I have no shame about this. They are not pornographic, and I do not hold puritanical sensibility when it comes to art . . . or life for that matter. I will have little to explain to Saskia. In truth, it will be society who must explain their position: to hide that which is beautiful.

In addition, Saskia will be her own hero, her own self striving to become her better self. No idols or expectations of perfection within the human race. Failure is part of our humanity, our essence, our greatness. We can do something that supposedly God cannot do: we can fail; we can grow.

And as far as waiting until my daughter turns a teenager, I will be ready when it happens. I love a challenge, and I don’t run from fights or roaring bears. I simply breathe, hoping to calm to storm and quell the tribulation. We’ll see. . .

2008-01-10T18:51:00.000-05:00

nine one one

9-1-1
i got an emergency
9-1-1
can you hear me?

and 9-1-1 must have been dialed
a hundred thousand times on that day
when we got played
and tall buildings came crashing down
to that terrible, but terrific silence
of sound
and there was no one around
to answer our calls
because darkness was rising
like ashes that fall
so we all scattered to hide behind
imaginary walls
of fear

9-1-1
i got an emergency
9-1-1
fear is starting to cease me

and the real irony:
the people who were early for work that day
got worked that day
without the pay
and the people who were late
were right on time
to see planes and bodies exploding
like nursery rhymes
“rock-a-bye baby on a tree top”
and just like when the bough breaks
if you jump from a burning building
you will drop
and pop
goes the weasel
and chicken little was running around screaming
“the sky is falling”
and we were all bawling like little red riding hood
lost in the woods
so the big bad wolf hung us all from a noose

9-1-1
i got an emergency
9-1-1
there’s a new enemy

and new friends were found
and new enemies were born
on the day that america’s bravado was torn
and Ha Shem and Buddha and Jesus
all drank from one chalice
but Allah was crucified
by Ignorance’s malice
and you were better off just hiding your face
if kufis or olive tones betrayed your religion or race
because a cowboy was president
and revenge was our case

9-1-1
i got an emergency
9-1-1
who is my enemy?

what languages do they speak
and in what countries do they live
the limp of their walk
their eyes, their smell, the way they talk
to you, to me
then to each other
should i kill! kill! kill!
even if it’s my brother?
or mother, or father
my sister, my child
will the pointer aim at them
when they move the dial?
i’m just asking –
the mucus is making it hard to see
which ‘them’ i should call my enemy
and wait, the dial, it’s turning again
but this time (surprise, surprise)
it’s pointing right at my friends

9-1-1
i got an emergency
9-1-1
they’re surrounding me
9-1-1
am i the enemy?
9-1-1
i am not the enemy

2007-10-25T16:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Val
(for VG)

Don't know if i ever told you
but i know a thing or two about bleeding hearts on sleeves
and how they stain clothing and skin alike
and how trust is just an empty hotel parking lot
whose toothless manager named honesty is about to expire
and how you want to cut it out from your skin
and hear your name be reclaimed by your own voice
and how the **** sword that wounded you
is the **** sword that heals you

Don't know if i ever told you
i know a thing or two about loneliness
and how the night goes on forever
and you stay up past reason
and you live to see sobriety come back before the dawn
and the shadows of night no longer scare you
because you've become their nightmare
last night i pulled 7 blankets over my head
just to make sure i could be buried in my own sleep

Don't know if i ever told you
but i know a thing or two about anger
and how it feeds off of life, taking days away from you
and how it makes you wish ill on anything noble
or of good cheer
and how you want to take that abandoner
and vomit into their mouths
so they'll know that bitterness can be passed on
when love or safety or trust has bowed out

Don't know if i ever told you
i know a thing or eight about love
and by vowing to love less, i learn to love more
and how light and darkness are joined at the feet
and how every ending is a beginning, so we begin to end
and how you will find a way to dance again
and how you will learn to leave the fear of the unknown
to those who fear the unknown
and it is true: love will set you free

2007-10-18T04:30:00.000-04:00

The Oprah Request

I have had many people throughout the years ask me why I haven't been on the Oprah show. My answer is simple: I haven't put out energy towards that end. However, recently, I've been bombarded by a number of people asking me repeatedly. I tell people that I admire Oprah and work she does, and if they wanted to write to Oprah personally, they should feel free to send her an email.

I am certain that emails have been sent sporadically to Oprah, but I am also certain that a mass bombardment of emails have not been sent. Therefore, for the next month or so, I am going to keep this blog as one of the top five entries on my site. I encourage all of you who have seen my show to write into Oprah and let her know how it has affected you. And hopefully, if it is my destiny, then I will be on the show some time in the future.

Be well, my friends, and write. Write. Write!

http://www.oprah.com/email/reach/email_showideas.jhtml

2007-10-17T06:37:00.000-04:00

God Spoke Softly

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth." -- Kahlil Gibran, On Love

I woke up this morning at 4:30am. I am in so much pain, so sad. I can't shake this which holds me, that which has left me, all that remains in me. I am shakey and my blood rises, aching my body, reminding me of this sickness, this great sadness I have allowed to consume me. I want to snap my fingers and let it all dissipate. I want to feel great again, alive! Why do I allow this to suck me, to feast on me? Why can't I just be stronger and "get over it"? What does this mean? Am I being selfish? Is she being selfish? Are they being selfish? What a selfish lot we are! All of us. None of us are worthy of anything more than the death which faces us. No smile, no mask can hide this despair. I am bloodless; my blood boils; my blood is lava; my blood is no longer blood.

I cried out to God, "Why? Please take this away!" And I heard God laugh that knowing laugh that transcends time. And God made an exception to God's rules: God answered me at 4:30am. God answered as only God can answer -- with questions, first.

"Why must I take your pain away from you, Michael? Do you not know that it is by your pain that you will grow? Do you not remember the days of your youth? Do you not remember the days of wandering, of wishing to die, of suicidal thoughts? Do you not remember when you were so desparately alone? Do you not remember this illusion? Do you not remember me being there even then? Do you not remember that without your pain and suffering there is no happiness and joy? Do you not remember that time is an illusion, and that I can no more stop the motion of your pain than I can unthink you? Do you not remember how I build muscle? It is only by the destruction of muscle and sinew and tissues that I build stronger muscles and sinew and tissues. Do you not hear all the people I have used to speak to you. Oh, my friend, my son, you are not alone. I have something great for you; your desire -- the things you cannot see -- will come through. It has come through, but you are only seeing the illusion of time. Do not ask me to take away that which makes you grow. Embrace this pain. This pain is for your pruning; this pain is for your growth. Just trust."

And now, I face my day . . .

"But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love." -- Kahlil Gibran, On Love

2007-10-06T16:49:00.000-04:00

[The visitor speaks.] "I came to tell you that in the next life
you won't return to Earth."
Of course, Agnes knew in advance what the visitor would say
to them, and she is hardly surprised. But Paul is amazed.
He looks at the visitor, looks at Agnes, and she has no choice but
to say, "And Paul?"
[The Visitor speaks]"I only want to ask you one question:
do you want to stay together in your next life, or never meet again?"
Agnes knew the question was coming. That was the reason she
wanted to be alone with the visitor. She knew that in Paul's
presence she would be incapable of saying "I no longer
want to be with him." She could not say it in front of him
nor he in front of her, even though it is probable that he too
would prefer to try living the next life differently, without
Agnes.
Agnes gathers all her inner strength and answers in a firm voice:
"We prefer never to meet again."
These words are like the click of a door shutting on the illusion
of love.

Milan Kundera, Immortality

So the situation is like this: if you had a choice concerning who you would meet and know in the afterlife or next life, people who are in your life presently, who would you choose and who would you prefer not meeting again? I don't really expect outward responses to this question, because sometimes the people who you would prefer not knowing in the next life would be people dear to you right now.

I become sad when I think about that question as it refers to me. I think about some of you, my readers, who would prefer not knowing me in the next life, not because you hate me or dislike me, but because you would prefer not having me in your life again. It's a little depressing of a thought, but I couldn't help but to reflect upon this question once I read the passage in Immortality. It troubled and moved me. Just to think some of us would choose parents and lovers and siblings and soulmates. And if you know this answer now, does it make your relationship with these people less significant or more meaningless?

I don't mean to bring you down, my friends. I was reflecting upon it myself, and am completely afraid to travel this road of thought alone.

Any ideas?

2007-10-03T07:34:00.000-04:00

Educating Saskia

"When I was four years old
they tried to test my iq
they showed me this picture
of three oranges and a pear
they asked me
which one is different and does not belong?
they taught me different
is wrong." --
Ani DiFranco, 'My IQ'

After one of my performances, an English as a Second Language (ESL) teacher approached me, sharing some valuable information. She loved my show and it reminded her how we are taught from an early age. She noticed that in her classroom children have been taught from an early age that difference is wrong, is bad. She gave me this example. When we were in our youth teachers would give us an assignment: there are four objects on the page, three are similar, one is different. Find the one that is different, and then, CROSS IT OUT.

We were conditioned early on to notice difference and abandon it, cross it out, destroy it, ignore it. We weren't taught to put a smiley face next to it. We weren't taught to celebrate it. Uniqueness was questioned, forced to come to a hault.

I don't want to participate in this game with my daughter. I don't want her to have to re-educate later in life. I want her to get it now. And she does. I think all children get it early on; they just learn how to forget it or unlearn it. They are stripped away of their brilliance by teachers and parents and friends and antagonists.

My daughter has three baby dolls. They have no traditional names. I see them as two white baby dolls and one black baby doll. To Saskia, her three babies names are Blue, Pink, and Purple. These colors are the outfits her dolls wear. And so they are Saskia. So they are.

Tessin and I have been teaching Saskia our names and her name. Now, Saskia says: "Daddy is Michael Fowlin. Mommy is Tessin Bozard. I am Saskia Bozard-Fowlin." She asked the other day why Tessin and I have different names. I thought about this for a second. Tessin kept her last name when we got married, and I wanted to tell Saskia that was the reason why, but then, I reeducated myself. I answered Saskia in this manner: "Daddy and Mommy both chose to keep their own last names."

I know some of you will say 'what's the big deal?' It's slight, but I wanted Saskia to know that as a girl, as a woman, she doesn't need to take on a man's last name for identity; and just as importantly, the man should think about taking on her name, or both sharing a new name. I want her to know that she has choice in all these things. I want her to know that she has choice in all of Life's decisions. I want her to know that any person she chooses to be with, man or woman, must walk side by side on this path with her.

2007-10-02T11:59:00.000-04:00

In a sociological survey, fifty people, over the age of 95, were asked one question: If you had your lives to live over, what would you do differently? What a profound question for all of us to answer. I suspect that the answers change from time to time. These old people had a multitude of answers, but there were three that surfaced time and time again. They said, "If we had our lives to live over, we would reflect more, risk more, and do more things that would live on after we were dead." And it is this last one where I want to focus today.

These elderly people found that immortality was of critical essence. They were not speaking about the immortality that extended their physical lives; no, they knew such was not their destiny. They wanted the immortality of affecting this world, lingering on the pallet like a bold Cabernet Sauvignon. Are we, who are younger than 95, any different than these elderly people?

This thing called immortality is critical to our survival as a race, as a species. I used to wonder, (I'm ashamed to say), into my mid to late 20s why people start projects that they may never see realized. Why fund or invest into something that may take 50 or 100 years to mature? And I am not just speaking of finances. I'm talking about it all: money, time, energy. What is the point? I think these old people were on to something. We are all fading fast, a moment's breath in Life's nostril.

Look at my picture. I am adorable, strange; youth hangs in my eyes, though I am passing my youth. I am still young and energetic, willing to love again and again. But see me 10 years, 25 years from now, will I have the same grace? I most certainly doubt it! But will I see myself any differently than that boy in the picture who is 30-something or the boy who was 8 speeding up and down the street on a Huffy bicycle. I think about this all the time. I think that's why I've fallen in love so many times.

I have friends who have never been in love, or perhaps in love only once . . . Me? I fall in love frequently. The intensity varies, but each time there is a refuge I seek. I seek to make an impact, to be remembered. In short, I want to live forever. Immortality!!! My love has grown. Lately, I fall in love far less than usual, but that is another story . . .

I used to tell my former wife that I want thousands of people at my funeral, giving testimony to my life, the good and bad. I would tell Tessin (stupid me) that I wanted all the women who I loved to be devastated by my departure. These women would be more because of my presence in their lives, and slightly less because of my absence. I seek this realization far less these days. I am content with those I have already; I am content with one.

Sometimes while I'm driving, the thought of someone who died a year ago, ten years ago, hundreds of years ago, will cross my mind. I will wonder, if they ever thought that someone, when they were long gone, would remember them on some uneventful day, while driving through Autumn leaves.

"All our superstars are suicidal casualties
And our heroes die in motel rooms and motorcades
Oh it seems like all our dreams are only fantasies
And I wonder if we'll learn from the mistakes we've made."
Randy Stonehill, 'Through the Glass Darkly'