:: A Year ::

2008-07-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Maybe...

2008-06-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe Fort Wayne can be beautiful. I took both of these here.

I was driving home from Hannah and Tony's last night. The sun was setting. So amazing. I rushed home to try to take a picture of it. My house is surrounded by houses so to get a good photo, I climbed a tree. :)

For Hayley... Looking at what's been over-looked

2008-06-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start writing again for Hayley. I think she's the only one who still tries to read this. Besides, she is one that has encouraged me to write by her own writing. One time Hayley sent me a 14 page letter. Two days later there were another 10 pages or so. I need to start writing again. AND... I told her I'd write the next entry for her.

Sometimes home is a hard place to be. This week I've heard of or seen or even experienced so many examples of this. One friend of mine has been abused, and returning home for her means remembering. Another friend just flew home because a family member died. Currently, I am working with refugees who have all fled their homes. Sometimes home is just hard. For me, though there have been times where I've missed my home, it usually is hard when I feel restless. During those good old college years, it's always a transition. Moving in and out. Getting jobs and quitting jobs. From class to work. From friends to family. Independence to... Transition.

I love traveling and seeing new cultures. There are times when it seems I live in the most "culture-less" place in the world. My traditions are bland, clothing is indistinct, the skyline is forgettable. I know that this is because I've been here most of my life, so I'm numb to even the positive aspects. But I'm here. I'm here for another two months. So I'm going to start looking for what I've been over-looking for so long. There will be pictures and hopefully stories.

2008-02-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Between the days....

2008-01-28T18:59:00.000-08:00

I like this picture. I took it on a day that was quite the opposite of most the days I've been living here. Not good or bad. Just opposite.

This day in particular, I was walking the harbor in Dun Laoghaire. By myself. Didn't know a single person I passed. Had no where to be. Slow and full of room to think. Slightly lonely, because even if I wanted to talk, I had yet to make friends in Dublin. Lots of paths to walk and plenty of time to walk them. I looked at everything around me. Took in every detail. That's when I saw these little flowers coming out of the wall.

These days, the feelings of loneliness come in a completely different way. People everywhere, acquainted with most of them, but all of us in too much of a hurry to do much about it. There's always something more to do or think about or figure out. And although much of these things are good and profitable, they don't leave room for free thought. The pace of my steps is a bit quicker here than that day. It's a Dublin city-center kind of pace. Point A to point B.

A song that I discovered while I was abroad has some great lyrics that apply to both of these days. It's called "In Between the Days".

"In between the days,
sometimes you need a change.
I want to do something
that takes my breath away.
And makes me not want to go home
at the end of the day.
In between the days."

And though these days are different, they're still comical... For lots of reasons... Because sometimes I wear slippers outside after a heavy rain. (Sorry, Mom). Or because solace comes in cups of tea. Because sometimes having a Zimbabwean meal is necessary on a Sunday evening. (Note to self: look at these oddities more and enjoy them.)

Cold and loving it

2008-01-20T19:35:00.000-08:00

Exploring. One of my favorite things in life. In the different places to which I've travelled, my favorite thing is to explore. Walk and meander around... Find a random place to get tea... Go up and down hills... I do the same thing with people. I want to know all about them and what they're passionate about. I like getting past the surface and beyond the beaten path with most things. And I'm learning that the potential for that is everywhere. Yes, everywhere.

Today was a great day of all of that. My friend Grace and I went to Yellow Springs. It's a little town near by that is the opposite of Cedarville in so many ways. It's still small, but has a hippie-sort-of-flare. Our goal was to walk around and take pictures to further develop our photography skills, all the while getting to talk and spill our souls. It was absolutely freezing, adding another point to my life of favorite experiences that have happened in the intense cold. Here's some shots from the day...

Walking around Yellow Springs town...

Yellow Springs gets its name from an actual spring that's more orange than yellow flowing nearby. We decided to venture out to find that as well.

After we took as many pictures as possible before our fingers lost feeling, we got some coffee at the Emporium, a small coffee shop with yellow walls, old persian rugs, and chipping wooden floors. Coffee for a dollar and a quarter. When all was said and done, we decided to make this a weekly tradition.

I'm learning a lot lately. Learn. A slightly overused word. I'm processing. I'm wrong a lot, and seeing that. I'm seeing and hearing new ideas and thoughts. I'm rediscovering things I've heard most of my life as if they are new. Yes, learning.

First photos of Ohio

2008-01-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

I feel like I exhaled so much tension as I took pictures. Blessed with a good chunk of time, I read, wrote, and photographed. The calm was brief. As soon as I check my email or my planner, I'm reminded of all the British Broadcasting I have to read and all the other things there are to be done. For my sanity's sake, I'll keep pulling away and taking pictures, focusing on all that is beautiful or telling or intriguing...

I took some pictures last week when I went to the Gorge with my roommate, Brittany. The Gorge is like a really little, little piece of Glendalough. But it is nature and outside and therefore, smile-provoking.

Proof.

There are shoes in this picture... that's for Susan.

These next two are a couple I took today while wandering around the village of Cedarville. This is where I live for now, so different from where I've been. And yet, still so good and still so saturated with evidence of God.

I like roads. I like driving them, running on them, and the way they can symbolize a journey.

Simple me in a multitasking culture

2008-01-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Being busy is not my favorite thing. I figure a quick update is better than nothing up here at all. So here goes...

These past fews days have been completely consumed.... Reading about democracy in the Middle East, playing basketball, looking at Jesus' interactions with women, walking, learning theory and application of rhetoric, eating pita bread and hummus, meetings, running, calling my mom, discussing potential problems with Iran, memorizing BBC, shivering, cups of tea, conversations over said cups of tea, learning that I am wrong a lot, talking to Jesus, crying, missing people, meeting people, trying to keep a schedule, reading more BBC, singing...... and much, much more.

Last week was very similar to my first week in Ireland. I like feeling connected to people. That process is starting here. I'm kinda laughing at myself right now, because I think I saw last week as a time of mourning. Mourning the loss of my Glendalough... the Fry's... the DART... the market arcade... my family... I didn't take a single picture. That changes tomorrow.

Multitasking is not quite a gift of mine. Not at all. But the idea is important right now. Simplicity and simultaneousness. I need to cut out what's unnecessary. And accept multiple facets of life. I don't need to figure out the future now. Food and clothes are not worthy of my worry. I can and will miss Ireland, even while I love the people here and keep in touch with my family three hours away. It will all balance eventually. And if not, it's still life. Life is good. Joy is there. Always. I really wonder when we started thinking that difficulty in life was bazaar or unacceptable. I love being alive. And, with Jesus with me always, I'll keep loving it and living.

And I'll even appreciate the cornfields.

Adjusting

2008-01-12T12:51:00.001-08:00

I think this is my first update of the week. That may communicate how busy it has been. One night I tried, and after writing a few lengthy paragraphs, the electricity went out in all of Cedarville. So I couldn’t post it.

Culture shock. People say that it’s worse when you get back from being away. I don’t know about all that. In some ways this is true.

This place is supposed to be comfortable. This is supposed to be normal. When I got here and realized how many ways it is not comfortable or normal, I guess it felt like there was something wrong with me, instead of just realize things just change. Also, because I have lived here before, and I do know so many of these people, I don’t feel like I have the right to “need time to adjust” or things like that. So I frustrate myself. But I know this is part of the process of being gone and coming back. That daily choice to embrace or resign is more like a hourly decision. And sometimes that goes well and sometimes not so well.

So much has been going through my head as I couple processing what happened last semester and ideas I’m being exposed to even now. Already, I can tell my classes are going to be so amazing. Hard, especially compared to the academic schedule I had last semester.  But so good. Three examples….

I have a class called Advanced Public Speaking. Now, speaking in front of people is hard enough. Supposedly more people in the world are afraid of speaking before an audience than death. Supposedly. First day of class, our prof asked us why we thought this was called “advanced”. Hm… She told us she was going to teach us to feel the pressure. Great. But then she went on about how the greatest influence on pulic opinion is not the media or the government, but word-of-mouth information. You trust what people around you say more than what you read or hear on tv. Therefore, taking the responsibility of daily conversation seriously, she wants us to be people of influence under pressure. I’m so not ready for that, but wanting to be.

Global Issues is another favorite. We don’t take notes or have tests or write papers. We read a ton. Last week I was assigned to read all the BBC News website. After being quizzed on how well we were familiar with the information, we just discussed it. Why are there problems in Kenya? What can be done about the blizzards in Iran? How can we prevent more war? Those kind of things. So interesting.

Lastly, I have this class centered on dissecting what we say we believe, and really getting to the inside of it, and learning to communicate that clearly. The other day we talked about the significance of grace, something that I don’t think could ever get old. It’s such an out-of-this-world concept that we can be given something, greater than anything imaginable, and deserve not an ounce of it. On the contrary, we deserve it’s opposite. And yet this is the foundation of all I believe, that God gives what I cannot earn, and live life from there.

Despite difficulties of adjustment and discomfort, I know it will be a good semester. God is moving, all over the world. And that means here too.

Resigning vs. Embracing

2008-01-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

Back in Ohio. Back to cornfields. Back to classes...

I heard someone talking about how we, as human beings, both cling to and hate those things in our lives that are the same. We don't really like getting out of our routine. We don't like having to figure something out just to go about our lives. And yet we hate the daily grind. Ironically, we wilfully stay in the ruts we could get out of, and fight against the things that cannot change. Hm...

Mixed feelings fill me up about being back here. Good and bad. Pros and cons...

I love people. Already, I've run into some old friends and gotten to hear the stories that have comprised their lives for the past 6 months. Living in a dorm lends itself to lots of story sharing. Separation, restoration, new hobbies, new directions... When I get bogged down in thinking just about me and what's going on in my life, it's comforting, humbling, and perspective straightening to look at how many other people are living life around me. Significant.

And since I love people, I hate saying good-bye. I talked with my mom about that. I'm realizing that the more I travel, the more I meet people, the greater number of good-byes will need to be said. And I'm horrible at them. Part of me feels like not being here, because it feels like it further separates me from people and experiences that are so much a part of my own self.

I like reading and writing. We do lots of both here. And I like libraries. We have one of those as well.

I like being outside. Winter here is like death. However, my appreciation for cold has grown, so I will go out into the great outdoors regardless of the weather. Within reason.

I like new and exciting. And although Cedarville is so many great things, it isn't often new or exciting. But I had my time of all that, for a while. And in life there's always more to come. Which in itself implies new, and perhaps exciting.

So yes, mixed feelings. Sometimes an attitude check is necessary, no matter what the place is like where you find yourself. You can resign. Or embrace. You can't change your age. You may be in a situation of marriage, career, or education that you can't alter at this point in time. There's lots of things like that. When I realize I can't change something, there's an immediate choice. Resign or embrace. The difference is simple. I can begrudgingly "get through" whatever situation is before me. Or I can full on accept that this is the characteristic of this time in my life, but that it's still time and it's still life. One forces eyes to the ground. One opens eyes. One robs energy and joy. One gives expectation.

So, the plan is, whatever I think or feel through these first days of yet another transition, that I will embrace it. I want to proceed through life with as much hope and expectation and smiling as possible. And I'm fairly sure we don't reach that "as possible" very often.

Beautiful Motion

2008-01-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

These first days of the year, and last days at home, keep passing faster. I had not even finished unpacking, and began packing again. I got to have conversation, one of my favorite things, with people. Finally, I got to spend some time on my own. I've never been much into New Year's resolutions. But I've started a list. Maybe it's to try to stay the change that's happened these past four months. Nothing super ambitious. The list is compromised of a bunch of simple and sometimes obvious ideas. Listen more. Spend less. Write more poems. Finish reading the Bible. Run a mini-marathon. I thought about really trying to give up coffee. For real this time. Completely out. That's not going to happen. For me, there will always be less coffee than tea, but there will always be coffee.

I've spent a lot of time these past few days trying to develope photos. This has proven to be quite a task. I have over 3,000 to sift through. And besides that, one problem after another has occured in getting the images from my macbook, to that glorious blue envelope the prints come in. I'm kinda daft when it comes to technology, hence it's been problematic. In all my love for photos, and all my love for Ireland... the task is not one of the most important things in my life right now.

This past summer I met a family from Sudan. Darfur actually. I'd hang out with them every now and then, and we'd just have a wonderful time. Comparing cultures, learning the language of the other, drinking tea... January 1st, I got a call from Wedad, the 21-year-old daughter of the family. She wanted me to come over the next day. I wanted nothing more. So the next day I went to their apartment where out of their poverty and their generousity, they shared some goat meat and tea with me. After seeing Asila (the mom), Nual and Warda (sisters), and little baby Yasim, I fell into conversation with Wedad.

She started tell me about their life in Darfur. I heard, first hand, these stories of what it was like to leave friends behind. Her village was attacked by "helicopter bombs". She saw her uncle get shot twice in the head, and live 15 days before dying. After some years of fighting, their family decided to escape. They fled, on foot, to Chad. Where they lived under a tree. For months. With absolutely nothing. And something I noticed, she spoke of these things with not a single plea for pity. It's just her life.

I asked her if she'd ever go back. She said she would. And then explained in her beautifully broken English something along the lines....

"It's my country. Leaders die. Armies leave. But it will always be my country. In Darfur, seeing people important. Here... work important, school important. My country, you always see people."

Wedad is a Muslim. Eventually we moved into the topic of Islam, what it means to her, and finally, what she thinks about Jesus. It'd be really hard to recap that conversation. But I'll try.

She's very passionate, very intelligent. She explained her religion to me, in great detail. She knew it so thoroughly. Her shock at how so many people can say "I am Christian" or "I am Muslim", and yet live completely unconsumed by it showed so much of her heart. A heart that genuinely wants to give herself to something she can believe in. She likes Jesus, and the things He taught. I told her I do too. So we went down that path.

The biggest difference... I believe Jesus is God and that He came to save the people. I explained, as best I could to someone not natively speaking my language, about how Jesus brought grace, forgiveness. And you know what... it's a pretty incredible thing, to see someone's face as they first hear about forgiveness.

We ended with lots of unanswered questions, and lots of hugs and photos and smiles. And hope. Wedad, because she just may believe that she can be forgiven. And me... I left with hope as I was reminded that my God moves in beautiful motion.

Canyons and summits, hellos and good-byes... A good year.

2007-12-31T13:47:00.000-08:00

I'm very aware of time. When a new month turns over, I take notice and become sentimental about what's happened. And of course New Year's Eve is a concentration of that. This past year, for me, has been a turning point. A launch pad. A runway. A catalyst. The details of where I feel myself being propelled are nonexistant. I just don't know. But I'm excited.

However, I look back at the year and see. Retrospection is a good thing. My Best Friend has remained faithful, involved, active. Not always understandable. Hardly ever expected. Sometimes I doubted. And yet I see this great work that He is doing all over the place, and I see a handful of times where I got to be a part of it. And He's changed me.

I thought about putting up different highlights of the past year of my life. Then thought against it. I never remember it all, but I am the product of it. Those Women of Vision at school did the clothes drive with me for Iraq. They showed me some hefty things in life and people. My trip to California with the family giving my tired heart room to breathe taught me much. Going for walks and jogs with the girls in my hall at all hours of the night through the country roads of Ohio.... I did portraits of kids this summer, learning to capture moments of happiness in chaos and help others savor those moments gave me the idea to do the same with life. But then the highlights get more and more personal. Too personal. From the end of July til right now, the mess my life has been shaken into, and the honesty I had to gain to come to grips with those pieces... It's brilliant. Just too personal.

Yes, this year was fantastical. Almost unreal. Ideal. Broken and mended. Really high, frustratingly low. Irreversible. Loved it.

I swam in both the Pacific Ocean and the Irish Sea. I went down parts of the Grand Canyon and explored some of the depths I can experience on my own. There were lots of new introductions, and some good-byes that actually tore my insides. I found myself at the top of the Eiffel Tower and the top of my world. Met people from every continent and became friends and family with them all. And there was much that was not so glamorous. I eventually made my way back to my home... on the couch with Emma, in the gym with Hannah, talking with my Mom stopped in some random parking lot, and talking personality types with Dad while he made pancakes.

This is the year that the Lord has made. I can rejoice. :) So can you.

How I see we want something greater...

2007-12-30T22:12:00.000-08:00

I've seen a lot of different people these past few weeks. Being an emotional person, I walk away from most interactions with some kind of impression, something to process. I leave feeling uplifted, or with nagging thoughts wanting to be sorted, or even feeling like I need to recover. Regardless, people have an affect on me almost every time. Hence, I've spent a lot of time observing people, and analyzing my own reactions to them.

When I watch people, I usually see myself a bit more accurately. I see a person who is striving for approval... dressing to please, smiling to please, staying silent to please. It initially makes me sad. Then I realize how much of that is what I'm prone to do. I recognize that I was made to create. Now I do so usually with some filter in mind of who will see my creation and what will they be most impressed by. Maybe it's taking a picture, cooking food, or what I write up here. This also tells me that I was meant to create for something. Or Someone. My inner drive to make something beautiful was given to me with purpose. The times when I long to write down something, anything, come with a goal. Maybe not a tangible goal. But I want it to mean something. I start to feel like there's a reason for that.

My faith would tell me that a lot of what I just wrote is not completely off base. Many of those thoughts come from a real source. I was created, by a Creator, who has the greatest imagination and flare of any being ever. And He instilled in me this desire to use movement and color and snapshots of life and words for.... a reason. To enjoy it, by enjoying how much I see/experience/recognize HIM in it. It reflects Him. I hope so anyway.

There are others things... more features that I notice in other people, then find accentuated in myself. A desire to be loved. A great frustration at injustice. Insecurity and therefore, second-guessing. A people-pleaser. A need to be silent and still. Wanting to understand. Obsessive. There are all these traits, positive and negative, that reveal. I've never been all that great at veiling who I am or how I'm feeling in the first place. How I make decisions, what makes me cry, what I really believe... It can easily show much of myself... sometimes too much. The anger I get at injustice shows that I believe there's a right and wrong. My bank statement would tell you how much I value material things, even in direct contrast with the desire I have to live simply and generously. I see God as being so generous and simply beautiful, yet I find enough of my worth in the eyes of others to feel the need to make silly purchases. Part of me wants to be affirmed by those around me. Part of me wants to give up everything, because my Jesus did. And His life is beautiful.

I sense this is getting confusing. I guess my thoughts are just this... I think people are complex, yet we have these needs and drives that we were created in. And we try to fill them, meet them, thrive in them. We make our attempts in many ways. And the different avenues that you or I pursue on a day to day basis betray the greatest guises of what human beings are really for. Something greater.

Coffee to tripping to cooking to laughing to stillness

2007-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

It's almost three in the morning. I'm needing sleep desperately, but today was rather eventful, so I'll stay up a few more moments to put them down.

I went to coffee with my friend Hayley this morning. We've gone to school together from the age of 6 to age 18. The time together was good. We are very different people. In high school, this was problematic. We kinda disliked each other off and on. Since going to college, we've started to appreciate each other. The differences have sharpened us over the years. Now we recognize it. And enjoy it. Hayley is creative, even when she doesn't try to be. She's blunt, so if she doesn't agree with me, I'll know it. Which is fantastic, because when my thoughts stay unstirred, they grow stagnant and useless. Hearing Hayley talk about life is sometimes like watching TV. You'd ask yourself if this was really happening. Is she really saying that? Then you'd see that it's actually really close to how we all think. So yes... good morning coffee.

I've been needing some time of quiet. Rest. A place for the thoughts to just kinda stumble out so that they can be dealt with. (That may not make very much sense to you, but inside my head it does. It's crazy in there.) So when I found that home would not be a very serene place this afternoon, I started to lose it. Bruce Springstein blared. Cabin fever set in. I packed up my journal and started to head out of the house. Three steps from my front door down the brick pathway to my car, I felt my feet lose connection with the slushy ground. The camera in my hand found shelter beneath my left arm. My right wrist and both knees took the brunt of a huge wipe out. This fall did not so much for my mental state at that point. That was the low point. After an hour or so at the coffee shop, mostly spent just sitting in silence, I found calm returning.

Later on, I went over to Hannah's and helped her make Moroccan chicken for her husband Tony and our friend Josh. I've loved all the family time I've had, and the different looks that has taken. Getting to spend time with Hannah and Tony as friends with their friends... it's been so good. Life-giving. We talked and laughed. We went to Atz's for ice cream. Excellent time.

A couple of friends of Hannah's from high school, Phil and Jerry, were coming over to my house with Hannah and Tony. Countless rounds of cards, more ice cream. Coffee. Laughing until I cry. It went from 7:30 until almost 1. In the end, it was just my mom, Phil, Jerry, and I playing cards. I tend to get a little competitive, so there may have been some trash talk. Maybe. But the fun didn't stop there. Phil, Jerry, and myself went to Steak-n-shake. For those of you unfamiliar with this place, some details... Open 24/7, supposedly famous for steakburgers, it's a diner that has french fries, shakes... Stuff like that. So the hour from 1-2 was spent there. What a fantastic time!

Really, this day was so full. Mostly in good ways. I've loved getting to be around new people and hear their perspectives of the world. Or even of things smaller than the whole world. I just like people. Even if I'm not like them. Still...

I'm feeling like I need to sit still for a bit. Maybe just literally sit in silence. Read. Breathe. My mind is always going so fast. So full. I think of my ever present Jesus, and I know that it's okay to just be. Be. Just be... with Him.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T21:23:00.000-08:00

I woke up and some form of illumination came through the window. It wasn't sunshine. It wasn't street lights. I think it was just dawn. A gray sort of dawn. This may not seem significant. And maybe it's not. But for some reason, it's simple things like that where I see God. And I love when those kind of moments are the first of my day. Merry Christmas.

We started the Christmas celebrating with a big meal. My parents, Emma, Hannah and Tony, my Grandma, and my aunt Liz all present. And myself. Hannah doesn't live at home anymore. Grandma's from California. I'm in and out of house. It was good to all be together. And it was fully everything "being together" should entail. There's part of humor that is best accentuated with those closest to you. We laugh a lot together. And it wouldn't be a real Kowatch experience if one of us didn't end up crying at some point. And one of us did, though I think it's unnecessary to specify which one.

We had the typical Christmas events... opening of presents, Christmas movies, food... We like to play games, whether it be cards or something like that. This year we played this sort of tag game, which would take entirely too long to explain. I will say that by the end, Hannah, Tony, Emma and I were sweaty and I sustained a floor burn on my arm and a bruise across the top of my foot. Worth it. So yes, typical Christmas celebration.

Among my favorite gifts... a book of poetry, "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lammott, yoga mat, electric tea kettle, a book of photography from Ireland, and arm warmers.

After evening, I went with Hannah and Tony to some friends' house. We sat drinking tea, talking, sitting silent, petting the dog, holding their 7 week old baby. Just being together. My heart felt calmed. I don't think it's a surprise to anyone who knows me that my mind has been full. Busy. Running. Even in a good way. Being around people and hearing their thoughts and lives soothes so much of me that feels a bit raw. Another amazing present of the day.

One place my thoughts are often... Jesus. The more I live life, small as that may be, the more I realize that what I believe is crucial. And not believing is not an option. We all believe something. But I'm staking all I've got on Jesus, or at least trying to. So I want to know everything about Him. I love Him. I'm fascinated by Him. I want to know. One thing I've been learning about Him is how to see Him. Sometimes I start looking at Him through lenses of what He's done for me... or who I've been told He is. When I start at the beginning, and just kinda introduce myself to Him, I think the vision is a bit clearer. Jesus was a man. He spoke of amazing life, new life. He spoke of peace. He taught of hardship and generousity. He claimed to be God. He upset people. He was killed. He surrendered Himself to it. He came back to life, showing to Himself to be greater than death. And now He is the fulfillment of every longing. He is salvation. He is freedom for all captivity. He is, and always has been, love. And I first met Him when He became a man. Jesus. My Jesus. What a beautiful name!

This is why Christmas is a big deal. It resonates.

Sculpture

2007-12-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

I love sculptures. Almost every time I'm in a museum, the stone and marble figures are what intrigue me most. I can't fathom how you would go about doing something like that. I would stand in front of a big rock with a hammer and chisel and not even know where to begin. And yet I see the life size forms that are frozen in a very life like moment. I love when fabric looks like it's falling. Or when the muscles of the face show that a smile was beginning.

When I look at sculptures, life seems to slow. Because I'm examining this one moment, and all the thoughts and emotions that could be coupled with it, I feel my own mind and heart slow down. And it usually takes a lot to get me to do that. I'm constantly accused of thinking too much and of being too emotional. Guilty.

Wouldn't it be neat if we could stop everything at different points of life and just look? Look at our faces and surroundings and just evaluate it all. Maybe we would understand ourselves better. And if we could do the same for each other, maybe we could understand each other better. I would like to look at your life like a sculpture.

An idea: maybe you, whoever you are, could leave a comment just telling me what you're up to. Or what's going on in your heart or head. Just a little piece of the scuplture that is your life, so that I can know. Whether I see you everyday or hardly ever, I would love that. Plus, I would see who actually reads this.

Please take 30 seconds and leave me a few words on your life. I bet it's beautiful!!

Mad as the Mist and Snow

2007-12-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

"Bolt and bar the shutter,
For the foul winds blow:
Our minds are at their best this night,
And I seem to know
That everything outside us is
Mad as the mist and snow."
-W.B. Yeats

I had written a good bit about what I did today, then realized it was not too pertinent to life in general, just to me. So I replaced it with a picture of my house and some words by my favorite Irish poet. I like those words.

Reminders

2007-12-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

They're everywhere... reminders of Ireland. I was just walking around doing some Christmas shopping. I saw a Borat DVD and a set of The Vicar of Dibley episodes and immediately found my mind with some friends in Dublin. And found myself smiling. I turned on the radio and heard a version of Amazing Grace that an Irish friend introduced me to, and then found myself a bit emotional. I like it though, the little reminders. It shows how closely my life in Ireland and my life here mesh. They're not mutually exclusive.

Cold is another reminder. This morning I took my puppy for a little walk through the snow frosted streets. She gets a little excited when we're outside, so we'd sprint every now and then to let out the energy. Those times of running made my face burn with cold. But I like that. Reminds me that I'm alive. A handful of my favorite experiences abroad are coupled with intense cold. Swimming in the Irish Sea, standing on top of the Eiffel Tower, sleeping in a tent in Florence, outside at a rugby match... Very cold... Very alive. I think it's fantastic that God created cold and that our senses can perceive the differences in temperature. It makes me more than a little happy to feel that same sensation here as I did on the hills of Glendalough. Even if the similarity is small... it's there.

I had coffee with my dear friend Jamie this morning. We are both finding ourselves in a place of transition, going from something so loved and so ideal to a place seemingly less inspiring. We believe in God. We believe that He has asked us to live a full life, one characterized by freedom and light. It's true that God is bringing me back to Cedarville and the cornfields of Ohio. And it's true that Jamie has to start a new job. But it's also true that it's still an adventure to be lived with our God, just because that's HIS nature. That reminder was exciting to me. It doesn't cancel out emotions connected with ending a elated, joyous phase. It raises hopes and expectations of what is to come. And I'm increasingly comfortable being uncomfortable in that tension. I am reminded that Jesus is more creative than I am.

Happy to hurt a bit

2007-12-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

I've been home a couple days now. I promise I won't always reference life from when I left Ireland... but for now, I still feel like it. I look at the date, and I see that it is the 19th. It's strange to me, because for four months I saw nothing past December 16th. Now I'm on the other side of it. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself.

I could probably say a lot about how hard it is to be away from friends in Ireland, or go on about how much I miss the hills. There's a plethora of thoughts along those lines. But perhaps the details of those ponderings need to stay within me for a while. Maybe. Besides, I'm still overwhelmingly thankful that my experience was even that great that I miss it this much. I think it's brilliant that I even know those people back in Dublin to miss. If I didn't ache being removed from it, it would have been no great thing. And it was incredible... beyond superlatives. So I'm grateful for the hurt, as it reminds me of how good I've had it. And I'm also very much aware of the blessing it is to have this family to come back to. So the hurt and the smiles and the tears and the laughter all comingle... and I can't complain.

Life is Loved

2007-12-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

I thought I needed to change the title of my blog since I'm no longer living in Dublin. I'm still alive, and still loving it. And I don't know the reason for anybody reading this after I'm back from excursions abroad except to see what I'm doing in life and what I think about it. Well then...

I love life. I do. Life is full, unexpected, often hard, colorful, changing, purposeful... I love it. I like living it. So even though I've changed locations, I'm not going to stop getting really excited about little things and seeking to do big things. I'm walking this life with my God, so I'm excited to see what will come next. Whatever it is, it'll be up here.

Whatever you see from my pictures, or gather from words written here, I just hope that you see something of the nature of life, when life is loved. Not when life is lived perfectly, or when it is understood, or even when it is easy. When life is loved. My God is the creator and giver and sustainer of life. He is love. There will be struggles. There are some now. And yet, life is loved.

Final Post From Ireland

2007-12-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

When people ask me how my time in Ireland was, the best answer would be "an ocean". I won't say this often, but it really works best. It was big and indescribable. It was deep and full. It was invigorating and exciting. It was menacing at times. It held so much, some things expected, most things weren't. And as the tide changes the shape of the coastline, so the days, hours, moments spent in Dublin have changed me. It was an ocean.

Thank you to my friends here. I love you all, with the deepest part of me. You've impacted me as you've carried me, laughed with me, cried with me, talked with me, ate with me, danced with me, ran with me, swam with me, climbed with me, sang with me, sat still with me... Like it or not, a part of me is left there with you.

It must be said... I will miss the hills... the trees... the water...

I say good-bye to Ireland with all the grief good-byes are prone to have. And I greet the coming days with expectation and hope. I lived life here; I'll do the same back home. God is love. And He is life. I hope to walk on with Him, because He's been my best friend.

"The LORD your God who goes before you will Himself fight for you, just as He did in the wilderness, where you have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place."
Deuteronomy 1:30

I will keep posting on this blog. The content will change. But I will keep writing, because life is life, near or far. And as always, there will be pictures.

Great is His faithfulness to me.

The End of the Road

2007-12-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

The days continue to go by quickly, despite my objections. I'm still learning how to deal with it. To be honest, I'm struggling to know how to deal with it, and not really believing that it's okay to be at a loss. Which I am.

My last full day, we went to Glendalough, one of my favorite places in all of Ireland, Europe... the world really. Trees everywhere. I always go with a good friend or two or three. Conversation. Space to think. Room to cry. Hills to climb. Mud and water. Nature. Paths to walk or paths to opt not to take for some unbeaten trail. It was good to remember and soak in.

Since I'm still not sure what to say about many things, I'll keep it brief. I'm overwhelmed with emotion, at many points on the spectrum. This journey is almost over, and like a day at Glendalough, it's been fulfilling and invigorating, and yet a big part is sad to see it done. At least for a time.

Pictures. :)

Good-bye Killiney Hill, Good-bye Dear Ones

2007-12-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

We lived today, like I've lived a lot of my Dublin days.
We woke up and went for a run, after a breakfast of muesli. Eventually, we went up Killiney Hill... It was my last time, at least for this phase of my life. And it was as beautiful as ever.

Dinner was with Vera and Kristyn back at my house in Dalkey. In traditional, Irish fashion, we had shepherd's pie. Then Kristyn, Hannah and I went to the Queens, the last venture to that familiar pub. Eventually, I finished packing up all my things from the house. I stood in my empty room, evaluating my feelings on it all. I was sad. So sad. I didn't cry though.
I explained it to Hannah, Katelyn, and Kristyn as just knowing that I have no regrets. I feel whole. Sad, slightly bruised... but just very at peace. And very comfortable with feeling all those things, and more at the same time. Saying good-bye to Vera, Pat, Kristyn, and Katelyn hurt. And it felt slightly unreal. But looking back, I see so much good. It's hard to grasp the reality of it. That's no surprise though.

Sisterhood...

2007-12-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

Dublin city center is a comfortable place for me. We fit together, we have great memories today. I love it. That's where Hannah and I went today. My feet stepped the familiar route to retro second-hand clothing stores, my beloved arcade, and drizzly streets, my sister with me. I kept trying to tell myself to savor it, because it just may be the last time. But eventually I found that I was just enjoying those places, like I always do. Whether it's the last time or not doesn't change it. To start the day off right, we took the Dart into town. Love the dart.

Once in town, we meandered around, just taking in all the city is. Really, it is a neat thing to see someone you love appreciating places that you love. Thus the joy of today. We went to that favorite tea place of mine, where Hannah bought a few bags. I put out a few euro for a couple more teas. They also gave me one of the boxes they ship it in, which excited me greatly.

We stopped by the Immigrant Council. I wanted Hannah to see where I work, and it was a chance to say good-bye to Nusha, Brian, Ruth, and Moire. Sad. It's always sad saying good-bye. I hate saying them. But I love the experiences I've shared with them, and the possibility of being with them again. Someday. I've heard that you're not supposed to peak in your career until your at least in your 40's... something like that. The amount that I relished working at the ICI tells me I may have hit my peak far too soon. Oh well...

Lunch=Wagamama's. Ethnic food is very typical of Dublin city life. It's such a diverse place with people from all over. Indulging in some Japanese food seemed to fit the occasion. Delicious.

I had my last class today, just to get our final articles turned back to us, so for a couple hours, I left Hannah to explore. To be honest, the class wasn't very challenging as far as amount of work or theories of journalism is concerned. That's just the way it was. I love writing, yet in journalism scenarios, I just find my writing to be sub-par in so many ways. Anyway... those thoughts are for another time. Not for this day with Hannah. :)

Meeting as planned, we continued through the city that was now illuminated by the thousands of Christmas lights hanging above. No kidding, they have chandeliers of Christmas lights. Lovely. I think so anyway. Hannah did too. We went to Leon, a French place serving desserts and pastries. I've walked by it before, admiring the artistic skill obviously required for the food, yet also appreciating the distance between my budget and their prices. But with Hannah here... it's just a different story.

Banoffi is a fantastic dessert that I get along with very well. Apple pie is a classic. Splitting seemed like a good idea, so we got both.

I meet with some folks from my church on Wednesday nights. We eat food, share in life, talk about Jesus, and talk to God about it all. These people, oh these people, how very dear they are to me. Mandy and Richard, the couple I first found friendship with in Ireland, just had a baby. Ryan and I became good friends right away.

Once again, hate saying good-bye. Loved the privilege (and a privilege it is) to get to know them. People are so close to my heart. Many people. It rips to be away from them. Some of my friends in Ireland are the best I've ever known. They weren't just fillers for the semester. I understand this is a part of life. I don't have to like it though.

One person that I've been away from for far too long, and I'm more excited than words to be reunited with is.... EMMA!! Being with one sister makes me want to have the other here too. Em, I miss you so incredibly much. Ah! I can't wait to talk with you and hear you laugh about things. I want to know how you're doing, deep down. But right now, more than anything, I want you to be here with me. You're so special. I tell everybody this. I'll see you soon. Just know that you're missed. I love you!!

A little honesty

2007-12-11T17:20:00.000-08:00

I thought I had changed so much. These experiences are supposed to change you for life. Has it really? I've enjoyed a lot. Done new things. Met great people. But have I really been changed? Altered for the better? I thought so.

HOWEVER... I'm seeing in myself quirks, bad habits, and just plain faults still alive and well. Still. I find myself doing random, fidgety things with my hands when I'm insecure. I hum when I'm eating, even in public. And I think I'm as selfish, defensive, and proud as ever. Maybe moreso. I enter conversations with an idea of how it would go best for me. I guess I feel like I shouldn't be wrong. And I think other people should at least believe I had good intentions when I'm wrong. Slightly grotesque, but true. So have I really changed? Or have I just seen pretty things?

Maybe change or even progress can't be measured in a list of boxes to be checked or a destination to be arrived at. After writing that, it seems obvious. Maybe it doesn't matter if I'm seen as different, as long as I've moved forward. Now, I don't know for sure, I don't have answers, but I'm thinking that's it.

Some of me will stay the same for always, things that should and things that shouldn't. I just want to keep walking onward and upward, though. Tripping is frequent and it's a dirty process. I just want to keep going.

A man named Paul once (and probably on more occassions) lamented his seemingly hopeless state. "Oh, wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death?" Very heartfelt and mournful discription of self. I think we had a similar thought process on this one. But I will try to make my answer to that question the same as his, as I keep stumbling onward. "Thanks be to God through Christ Jesus our Lord."