fruitcake redux

Half-fiction, indeed

2009-07-14T22:47:00.004-05:00

"It is important to note that this blog and the story depicted above is to be used as an illustrative example of what some individuals have achieved with this/these products. This website, and any page on the website, is based loosely off a true story, but has been modified in multiple ways including, but not limited to: the story, the photos, and the comments. Thus, this blog, and any page on this website, are not to be taken literally or as a non-fiction story."

I am not going to link to the website, because, as you have just read in the fine print, it is an ad. A weight loss ad, for that acai berry stuff. (Pronounced, by me: "ackie" berry. J says it is "ah-kai" berry.) Said website is called "Sarah Cooper's weight loss diary" and contains before and after pictures, a weight loss story, and 15 "comments" penned in the same distinctive writing style -- one is addressed to "Brenda." Ooops.

I get these twitter followers who are sometimes spam, sometimes real people, and sometimes -- well -- something in-between.

Interesting, right?

No, you say? Just spam?

Ok.

Reinventing the Internet

2009-07-07T17:58:00.008-05:00

As has become embarrassingly clear over the past year, I'm not at all sure what to do with this space anymore. This is not an uncommon phenomena, in fact, my blogger mentors have all been through one or more mid-blog crisis: Alison slowed down, Ryan shut down and then reinvented his site.

Other things have happened, too, since 2003. Flickr happened. Facebook happened. All my friends moved away, and I stopped teaching. My life got a lot less interesting, or at least less blogable. (The ethics of blogging while teaching are debatable, too, and I don't care to debate it.)

Things got really private for awhile. Blogger deleted all my posts from 2003-2004, and I was crushed, and then I got over it. Tumblr happened and I couldn't get into it. LinkedIn happened, and that was good for my professional career. Facebook expanded to older (than me) generations, and suddenly Moms were friending me. The iPhone happened, and I was connected ALL THE TIME. Twitter happened and I was like NONONONONO and then, finally, ok.

Other people in my immediate circle are still successful at blogging. I enjoy Mindy's updates about her life and about her daughter, and I imagine what an amazing baby book it will make. Babies across the globe will one day have access to their early years in detail that is mind boggling to me.

For the most part, my family members either do not understand or are justifiably concerned about our (our = the world's) growing internet presence. I share their hesitation and try to stay private/censored/professional as much as I can, while staying true to myself and enjoying the ease of connectivity and a public outlet for creative ideas.

I am not the first one to question the merits of staying connected to people I would otherwise grow apart from, and I have on many an occasion cut contacts ruthlessly and without remorse. Would I go out of my way to say hello to you in a crowded space? No? Then I wish you well, and you do not need to have access to my personal profile. Do we have any past interactions that make regular updates feel "a little weird"? Goodbye, friend, and go in peace.

The point is -- and after all these characters, I do have a point -- you see, Twitter would have cut me off LONG AGO because, like Mr. Moore my 9th grade English teacher, it is all: Get to the beach! -- the point is that ponycrusher will stay, until blogger decides to cruelly and unusually erase everything I have written over the last five years. The point is, I'm stretched in more internet directions, and that is ok. It is good to be concise. It is good to let the picture speak for itself. And it is good to, every now and then, post the diatribe that ties several ideas together. It is good to document. And good to know when to let it all go.

Let it never be said

2009-06-02T22:13:00.002-05:00

That M--- D------ is not one to keep her cool.

Like our president, I am one cool, collected, chicky.

Or anyway, I aspire to be cool and collected. Saavy, even. Nimble! And other adjectives.

Schlitterbomb, jury duty, aurora picture show, Galveston, beach hats.

Things I Love About Spinning Class

2009-06-01T20:49:00.002-05:00

1. Sweating

2. "Hydrating" to make up for all the sweating.

3. Biking really fast on the easy setting where the petals sort of whip my legs around.

Side note: that Pristiq commercial with the doll? Weird.

4. Sweating more than I ever thought possible from places on my body I never expected to sweat.

5. Spinning is the only workout I can think of where you can close your eyes and not run into a tree or wall or fall off a treadmill or something. So yeah, I like closing my eyes and just cycling and sweating.

6. Pretending to understand what "isolating" feels like when really I am just going slower.

7. Not turning the knob when the instructor says to turn the knob. Haah!

8. SINGING.

9. Goofy shoes.

10. After an hour, it ends!

Oh, and Did I Mention...

2009-05-20T22:54:00.003-05:00

Jury Duty?

...

"Run ~~slowly, slowly~~ quickly, horses of the night"

Can we just get May and June over with. They are going to happen and it might be awful but the only way I will get through them is knowing eventually they will have to end.

My vacation starts in July.

It will be so beautiful.

Afterwards, I will begin research into how much money do I need to start building my Earthship.

An Earthship is a home that operates "off the grid." It supplies its own power, water, sewage. I will have a garden and figure out how to grow my own food. There is an entire community for this in New Mexico.

I would like to have the boy for companionship. My hope is that we will be happier off the grid. Failing that, the cat comes with me.

Shelter, food, companionship. There is nothing else we need in this world.

I will never have to use Microsoft Office again, and it will be a happy, happy ending.

I LOVE MY BICYCLE

2009-05-18T20:54:00.004-05:00

I love love love it.

Pretty bicycle.

I did not get that other, not blue, bike. Partly because they no longer had it in stock, but mostly I took the leap of faith and got the road bike because the bike guy said it was "less effort" for commuting and we are all about less effort.

And, it is blue.

And, I have a mountain bike in Maryland that I also love (no, Mom, please do not sell the bike in the garage), and one day I will figure out how to get said mountain bike to Houston (one of yous is going to ride it here; you just don't know it yet) and then we will have OPTIONS. By the time that bike arrives maybe I'll have a house with a garage for storing bicycles.

And maybe we make plans and God laughs.

But in the meantime... bike rides!

Do not make fun of spinning class

2009-05-17T15:57:00.005-05:00

Spinning class is no laughing matter.

I am buying a bicycle!

I want this one and I want it in blue.

The bike shop only has it in black and they are pretending like there is no blue version to be had.

Mindy, please tell me that it does not matter what color my bicycle is.

(I want the blue one.)

Why is Yao Ming wearing a suit instead of his uniform? I know I am johnny come lately to this Rockets thing: what did I miss?

The blue one!

P.s. Oh my GOD! The President's body man played for DUKE with bumpy headed Battier. I read a profile on that guy and he sounded pretty great but this is completely unacceptable. I have changed my mind: I want a red bicycle.

Pent Up, No Good, Long Time Coming Blog

2009-05-14T18:47:00.005-05:00

I've got a lot on my mind.

First, let's talk about quitting:

YES, you internet jerks! I quit smoking. I have not had a cigarette for 15 days and even though the world is like, "oh yeah? here are some stressful things to test you with," I have not even really been tempted to smoke a cigarette. Maybe I will be tempted tomorrow but if I can go from almost losing half a million dollars today due to a clerical error, to getting it back in a teary, embarrassing, hands-and-knees episode, and not smoke after that, then I really feel like I am in the clear.

And it is so strange because I know I have "tried" before -- certainly it is documented and I remember in my head when I said I would stop -- but I did not and I don't believe I ever stood a chance. In 2007 I wrote:

One time, during a quitting spell, I went to the Stop and Go across the street and the store clerk mentioned that he hadn't seen me in awhile. "That's because I quit!" I beamed, purchasing my Starbucks drink. A week later, before the Pride Parade, I went with a friend and we bought cigarettes. "I thought you quit?" he asked. "Special occasion!" In all the resulting trips since then, he's said nothing and instead reached automatically for the pack of preferred brand. He has not ever said: "Hey, lady, WTF is wrong with you? Don't you have any willpower at all? I'm not going to sell these to you. Here's some gum on the house."

No one trying to sell you cigarettes is ever going to say that.

And yet when it finally happened I wasn't really even trying. I just stopped. Yes, I downloaded a hypnosis thingy. Certainly, it played a role. But I'm convinced that the greater impetus was that you hit a certain point where you realize: I am too old for this bullshit.

So here is what has happened amid the stressy not smoking: instead of smoking in the car on the way home from work, I really, really, REALLY, look forward to having a drink. Obviously this is a situation to monitor, and I am, but I am not overly concerned and here is why: 1) having a drink no longer makes me want to smoke; 2) having a drink does not lead to having multiple drinks.

And perhaps #2 is because I'm working so late that I don't have time for multiple drinks, I barely have time for 1 before I want to be in bed and asleep because that alarm is going off at 5am rested or not.

Still, monitoring.

The other must-blog moment came yesterday on the road, when I found a recently-purchased, though long-neglected Ani DiFranco album and wound up playing this song over and over:

To understand why, we have to go back to last week in the middle of all this bureaucratic nonsense leading up to today's episode. It's Wednesday and I am exhausted, and my co-worker reminds me that we signed up for a "business etiquette dinner" because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I look terrible. Great, I say. Ok -- off we go.

And the presenter, who is a lovely and well-established Houston woman, and who tells us we should not EVER discuss politics or religion at a business event but then makes it pretty clear that she hangs with Republicans, anyway she tells us that the 30-something women she knows, they are concerned about looking old. "If you are developing a facial situation..." she tells us, "You need to do the Botox or whatever it takes. You must look friendly and well-groomed." And we are all laughing and later in the mirror I'm thinking, hmm, I've had these lines in my forehead since *5th grade* -- I have these deep set worry lines, in fact I even wrote a poem about them. I wonder how much Botox costs, anyway.

REALLY AND TRULY, these are my thoughts. I want so very much to get ahead in business or at least be successful.

So when Ani is singing to me and reminding me of a time not so long ago, but long enough, and she says "there's nothing wrong with your face," I can't stop laughing and I'm like, rewind, tell me again.

So that is how I listened to this song 26 times yesterday.

Thanks for reading. I feel a lot better now.

Ooops!

2009-05-11T20:19:00.003-05:00

Dear,

Do you remember two years ago when the day after I hit "send" on my taxes (in mid-February) I recieved a tax form from the Corporation for National Service regarding my supposed "income" and I was like 1) you're too late and 2) this is hogwash: you people paid my university student loan and I never saw this money? And pps you're too late? And do you remember how you were like, Mary, pay your taxes. Is this coming back to you now? How I was like, let them come get it?

So anyway. They'd like some taxes on that money, please. They could have just asked me, two years ago, by the end of January, like they are supposed to.

I do not think it is a coincidence that our president doubles AmeriCorps and I get audited. No sir.

And by "Early"...

2009-05-06T03:08:00.002-05:00

I did not mean 2:30 am. For bedding or rising.

What a terrible time to be awake.

Today is day 7!

Early to Rise

2009-05-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

Early to bed.

I Always Cry At Tree Weddings

2009-05-05T17:09:00.003-05:00

(reposted from the Chronicle... amazing)

THE ART GUYS MARRY A PLANT

"The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding." ~ Oscar Wilde

"One should never know too precisely whom one has married." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

On June 13, 2009, The Art Guys will marry a live oak tree (quercus virginiana) in a public ceremony. The wedding will take place in the Lillie and Hugh Roy Cullen Sculpture Garden of the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston with a reception immediately following at the Contemporary Arts Museum Houston. The tree will subsequently be planted in a public ceremony and will be installed with a bronze plaque commemorating the event. The date and location of the planting will be announced at a later date.

The ceremony is sponsored and presented by the Contemporary Arts Museum Houston as part of the exhibition "No Zoning: Artists Engage Houston," May 8 – October 4, 2009.

The Art Guys Marry a Plant, first conceived in 2004, is the latest in a body of 'behavior" works by The Art Guys wherein the perceived boundaries between sculpture and performance, art and life, philosophy and action, are blurred to the point of being indistinguishable.

The Art Guys Marry a Plant is a work that will take place in several stages and will have several components. They are:

Plans and preparations:
The Art Guys Marry A Plant will be conducted like a typical American wedding ceremony except that the participants will be The Art Guys and a live oak tree sapling. Engagement announcements were sent via email in January, 2009. Invitations will be sent closer to the date. Wedding announcements will be posted in newspapers (if allowed).

In conjunction with the upcoming exhibition No Zoning: Artists Engage Houston, the Contemporary Arts Museum Houston is publishing a new multiple by The Art Guys. 'The Art Guys Marry A Plant Wedding Cake Topper," 2009, produced in an edition of 12, is a small sculpture commemorating the performance The Art Guys will present on Saturday, June 13, 2009, in which they will marry a live oak tree in a public ceremony.

The exhibition
The tree which The Art Guys marry will be on display from May 8 through October 4, 2009 at the Contemporary Arts Museum as part of the exhibition 'No Zoning: Artists Engage Houston."

The ceremony
The Art Guys Marry A Plant ceremony will be conducted in the Lillie and Hugh Roy Cullen Sculpture Garden of the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston with a reception immediately following at the Contemporary Arts Museum Houston. The ceremony is scheduled for Saturday, June 13, 2009 at 11:00 AM and will be conducted by Ed Cooper, ordained minister. Other wedding ceremony details are being arranged at this writing.

The future
The live oak tree sapling from The Art Guys Marry a Plant will be planted in a public ceremony at a location to be determined. The tree will be accompanied by a commemorative bronze plaque to mark its significance for future audiences.

Published online only at www.HoustonChronicle.com.

Power Vegetables

2009-05-03T20:48:00.003-05:00

Snow pea greens, broccoli rabe, spinach, kale.

The greens are taking over!

I don't even know how to pronounce "rabe."

(But I do know it tastes good blanched and sauted in olive oil with a lil bit of garlic.)

Day 3

2009-05-03T19:24:00.004-05:00

Of not doing that thing that I used to do.

It feels easier this time. It feels final, like a homecoming. That's why I'm telling you, internets.

Baby Deer and Rice and Beans

2009-04-27T16:31:00.005-05:00

If you missed your dose of Cute Overload today, or even if you didn't, check out Mindy and Tim's latest Adventure in Homeowning:

Oh Deer!

It will make you kick yourself for not living in Monterrey, CA, where they have beautiful weather, breathtaking coastline views, superior food and wine, and also, apparently, helpful singing baby animals in every backyard. ("Lalala... we three deers... mow the yard... prance and sing... eat your lemon tree... [bluebird solo]...")

I guess they are only singing in my head.

Anthropomorphic!

My friend Julia recently accepted an offer to attend Columbia University's school for fancy writers in NYC. I am so proud of her! She also keeps winning prizes, which afford her the opportunity to schmooze with poets the likes of Naomi Shihab Nye, who called her writing "absolutely delicious." (Says Jason: "Naomi says that to everyone.")

Anyway, Julia's family is pretty great too. She recently e-mailed her big brother about her imminent life as a poor poet graduate student in NYC living on beans and rice.

"Awwww, Guez.." he writes back. "That is so great that you are being so optimistic. Really... rice with your beans?"

Back!

2009-04-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a long time.

Sometimes that happens. It could happen again.

I just want you to be prepared for these things.

In the meantime, I have been watching this all day, every hour, on the hour:

Nerves of Bic

2009-03-18T22:49:00.005-05:00

This pretty much sums up my life:

I have bitten off all my nails, and now I'm subconsiously drawing all over myself.

From what I can gather, my tool is not currently the sharpest in the shed. Maybe I need a vacation.

But my hair looks GREAT! (Because someone else cut it and all I had to do was sit there.)

So, internets!, how are YOU doing? Are you hanging in there? Are you eating well? I know that springing forward is a difficult transition, and the economy blows, but we will all get through it. Take a deep breath and put away the sharpie markers.

Love,
Mary

Yoga Cat

2009-03-15T19:09:00.002-05:00

Thanks Jason!

Caroline said I should post so here goes

2009-03-06T20:43:00.002-06:00

I am organizing the books on the shelves BY COLOR. Before it was by genre and then alphabetically but by color is sort of interesting. I'll never be able to find anything except the three copies of (the bright yellow) Love That Dog. Soon perhaps if there is popular demand I will tell you some of the anchor red, blue, yellow, green, black, tan books. But not on the iPhone. It is great in theory but sucky to write on.

Tataa
Mary

I Get Up and I Go

2009-02-11T22:49:00.003-06:00

For the past month and a half, I've been working with a physical trainer at my local gym. It may be the best $2,000 I've ever spent. I wake up, I go, and I do whatever she tells me to do. Because when you're tired and hurting and your muscles are sore and you don't want to run anymore, the last thing you have energy to do is think through your next move and force yourself to finish x repetitions. There may be cheaper ways to lose weight, but I'm willing to spend the money in lieu of intrinsic motivation.

Now I just need a personal trainer for all the other parts of my life.

Your Life, For Sale (or Lease)

2009-02-03T22:37:00.003-06:00

I found the online listing for my apt ("apart") today and it sort of creeped me out.

For one, the inside picture is not my apartment. It never was my apartment. It must be some other apartment. Some BORING apartment.

For two, there's no built-in-microwave. It's MY microwave and it's coming with me. Bitches.

For three, my landlord upped the rent by $55 dollars -- and that is already more than I could have paid had I signed a year lease agreement. So, a total increase of $75 dollars/month since December 1. (And when I rented the place, it was newly renovated and CHEAP(er).)

I was going to link to the post, but I still don't trust you internet jerks, even if I'm only living here a few more weeks.

But, according to the internet, it is "awesome" and "has it all." But, no microwave. You don't want my microwave, anyway, new renters. Many vegetables have died in there.

Ur Mah Cupcake

2009-02-02T22:00:00.001-06:00

M: Is that cupcake for me?

J: What? No! You looked?

M: I mean... what's in the foil?

J: A cupcake. My mom made them for me.

M: And you brought one home for me?

J: No, I brought it home for me.

M: ...

J: What?

M: Can I have half? Can we share the cupcake?

J: No you can't have half.

M: You are sleeping on this couch tonight.

J: Me and my cupcake are sleeping on this couch tonight.

WE ARE MOVING

2009-01-25T21:37:00.002-06:00

The long, frustrating, drama-laden search for a new apartment is over.

It's hella-scary and filled with trepidation, and we have to move on my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND which kinda sucks because it should be filled with champagne and raspberries and not lifting boxes, but it is OVER. So, let the adventure commence, Great Gatsby style.

I posted some pictures on flickr which is over there -->

I dig the heck outta those glass blocks and high ceilings.

Also, I dig the heck outta Jason. I think sometimes we both forget it in the fray.

This Will Change Your Life

2009-01-19T17:31:00.002-06:00

ROASTED CHICK PEAS

Dried or canned

With garlic salt

(I don't think you need all that oil in link 2)

So good! They taste like popcorn!

I am going to try this with one of the seven cans of black beans in my pantry right now. Seriously, lady, quit it with the black beans.

In other news, did you know you could grill romaine lettuce?

Uh huh. The internet tastes like awesome.

Mr. Seven Sixty Three

2009-01-12T18:06:00.003-06:00

Stolen from Kim, 'cause you gotta see this.

(Some explicit language.)

(Ok, a lot.)