Me and My Beast

Becoming a Doctor

2009-03-08T09:20:00.003-04:00

Ever since childhood, I've had a dream of becoming a doctor (among other things but mostly a doctor). I've spent the past couple of days doing research on what it takes to become a doctor in Ontario and I think I can do it. I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in this blog, but I only have a grade 9 education. (I was a rebel in my early teenage years as my parents can attest to! That I know I've written about in this blog.) So I figure I can attend Athabasca University (based out of Athabasca, Alberta) as they have no admission requirements in terms of high school academics and take a BA in Psychology (which is another huge interest of mine) with some biology and chemistry courses to satisfy university medical school admission requirements (I've researched remember). This way, I should be able to maintain a high GPA given that I'd be highly interested in the content.

The thought of all of this really excites me! It would give me a purpose in life beyond being a father, husband, brother, uncle, son whatever. I would have an achievable goal, albeit a long term goal as it would take 3 years for the BA then another 4 years of med school then a 2 year residency (assuming I stay with a family physician role). At least I get paid for the residency though. I'm kind of interested in emergency medicine though as well. I could picture myself working in an emerg department however I definitely couldn't handle the pressure of being a surgeon - at least not something as critical as a cardiac surgeon.

Anyways, just thought I'd share my aspirations with you as it's 9:30AM and nobody is awake yet so it's just me and my computer and iPhone. Oh, how I love my iPhone!

...J

My husband and I - 03/06/09

2009-03-06T20:45:00.003-05:00

Ha, notice I didn't say "My ex-husband and I". We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks about reconciling and what's best for myself, him and of course my son and we have come to the realization that it's best that we try it again. He has to get treatment for his issues with alcohol which I can help him with in terms of hooking him up with resources in the community. I know a thing or two about addictions having gone through various addictions at different stages of my life. We haven't nailed down a date when he would move in yet. We're still working on getting him EI benefits to carry him over while he's in inpatient treatment.

Well that brings you up to speed to this point. I'm going to bed now.

...J

Me and My Beast - 02/19/09

2009-02-20T21:01:00.003-05:00

Visit From the Ex
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in here but my ex-husband and I have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. He's off work again and not doing well mentally or with the alcoholic side of things. Since he broke off the marriage last August I've been trying to figure out why. The only explanation he has given me is that he's not in love with me anymore. He loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. This because of the fact that I broke off our marriage prior to that because he was driving me crazy. I needed space for awhile. That's when his drinking binges began - about one year ago and continues.

Anyways, on with the visit. He came down with our two labs (dogs) with the understanding that I would be keeping the dogs for good and he was coming down for one night and I would drive him back the following day. I got depressed being around him and not being able to cuddle, kiss and just generally be "around" him. I decided to take a bunch of pills - 7 days worth. I would have taken all 11 days that I had but he was already questioning what I was doing in the kitchen for so long. So 7 it was. It was a lot of pills! The long and short of it is that I didn't die (obviously) unfortunately, just suffered through the overdose symptoms. It was my Mother's and my idea not to go to emerg as it could impact the welfare of my son. Still, we drove around until 3AM making this decision. I was in lala land, shaking inside and out. I had these strong feelings of depression still for my ex since our breakup but it was different seeing and being around him. I guess I figured once he came down that the place was fairly decent and that he could envision himself living here with my son, our dogs and I but I guess not so. He's too stuck to his job in Kingston to leave his apartment. I swear he's going to work there right up until retirement the way he talks. I don't know what is so special about it - I mean it's a fucking hair salon just like the one around the corner in the mall, just like the one down the street, just like them all! There are plenty of hair salons in Brockville and he has an edge up on two of them because he knows people that work there. Well actually three because I know a guy at another salon but I didn't mention that.

This is all I can get out so far for this posting. I'll come back to it later....

Me and My Beast - 01/28/09

2009-01-28T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well I tried. I only had seven days worth of meds to down but I tried. I bought a bottle (750ml) of wine from the local store and drank it after taking all my clonazepam for those seven days. I finished the wine and I don't remember what happened after that (likely due to the imovane I took along with the clonazepam). I know I called my husband and that's how my Mom got here. My son was still awake playing on his computer while I was doing this.

Needless to say, I survived. I didn't receive any medical attention - just Mom attention. As far as my son was concerned, I just drank a bottle of wine. He wasn't aware of the medication taken thank god. I figured I needed to plant a seed so my son would be ok and not find me dead in the morning and that is why I called my husband.

I've been feeling more and more lethargic and depressed lately. I haven't had the desire to drink coffee that much (I'm a big coffee drinker) but I force myself because that's the only way I can stay awake during the day. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the energy or motivation to do anything. My washer is broken so I have to go to my parents to do wash - what a pain in the ass that is. I have four baskets of clean clothes that still need to be put away. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. Agghhh, I can't handle it all right now. I was fine and could handle it all before and nothing drastic has changed in my life since then.

I spoke with my pdoc last Wednesday and he's reduced my clonazepam and put me on tomazepam to aid in sleeping as I've had a tremedous amount of difficulty staying asleep for the past few months. My application for government coverage for Buspar was denied because "we haven't tried enough *pam drugs". That's bullshit, I've been on at least five of them however my current pdoc was not aware of a couple of them. His plan is to put me on clonazepam three times daily (morning, dinner, bedtime) although he didn't put this into effect when he called the pharmacy. Not sure why not.

I'm going to be starting a round of ECT again (likely 12 again) with follow-up maintenance ECT once per month. I'm hoping that will kick me into gear and get me out and keep me out of this rut that I'm in. I just have to get some blood work and a physical done by my doc then I'm good to go. I'm read' to go as my old friend would say it.

I don't think there's anything else to report for now.

...J

Me and My Beast - 12/21/08

2008-12-21T14:00:00.002-05:00

My son is at his Mom's for the weekend for a Christmas family reunion. It's now Sunday and due to the amount of snow we have and will continue to get, he will be staying over again tonight. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how dependent I am on him for survival. I've been overwhelmed with nothing but suicidal thoughts since he left. I keep thinking I should strap on my boots and make my way to the local store where they sell wine, liquor and beer and grabbing a magnum of wine and perhaps a 40 pounder of whiskey and finally, gravol. You see my plan is this - drink a moderate amount of alcohol not so I'm drunk, just really buzzed. Take some gravol (to prevent puking) then take my two weeks of medication I have. Finally, drink more alcohol until I pass out. Between the alcohol and clonazepam, it should kill me and if that doesn't, certainly lithium poisoning would (I would think).

Of course these are just thoughts. I wouldn't do it because it's not the right time, it's too close to Christmas and if I survived I could never live with myself missing my son's Christmas while I sit in the hospital. I just want to be able to live for me, my son and the rest of my family but it's just not like that right now. Days are long, nights longer. Life is overwhelming but at the same time boring. I suppose perhaps I'm overwhelmed with boredom. I need a full time job or something but I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and what that would do to me if such a thing happened.

I dunno, I gotta go for now....

...J

Weight Update and more - 11/15/08

2008-11-15T09:24:00.004-05:00

Shortly after my last weight update post, I weighed myself again and thankfully, it has decreased to 190! However, I've been eating more (probably more than my daily calorie intake recommendation) so I haven't gained any more weight but I haven't lost anymore either. Oh well, I know that once I go back to my calorie reduced diet, I'll be losing again. Most of my pants are far too big now so I wear a belt but it's obvious that they're too big given the size below the waist and the legs. I'm not buying any new clothes though until I reach my target weight.

My head is much clearer now that the cogentin has gone through my system. It is really bizarre that I could take it for 2 or 3 years without any untoward effects. There are only two differences between now and before; I'm taking Wellbutrin anti-depressant in addition to Zoloft and I'm on Haldol as opposed to Risperdal.

My son stayed at his Mom's last night. I was depressed as soon as I dropped him off. I think it's because I just like spending time with him and am so used to having him around all the time - he's like my little buddy. I dreaded going home to silence and being alone so I hung around Brockville for a bit and got dinner for myself. I got even more depressed when I walked in the house and it was just me and Scotty (my baby pug). I wrote an e-mail to my ex-husband but didn't send it. It was rather nasty but it felt better at least releasing my thoughts and feelings in written form (thus partly the reason I have this blog). I was thinking about suicide and the fact that I had 8 days worth of pills and combined with some alcohol, I may just succeed. I was considering going to the store to get some booze. Needless to say, I didn't follow through with that plan. Instead, I took Scotty out one last time for the night then went to bed at 7PM. I felt much better when I woke up this morning.

On another totally unrelated note, I started addictions counselling a few weeks ago. I don't really think I'm an alcoholic totally rather I feel I'm a situational alcoholic meaning that I tend to drink a lot when I'm in a bad place in my life. It's going fairly well although I missed my last appointment because I was debilitated that day - lying in bed dozing in and out all day. I called to reschedule a few days ago but haven't heard anything back yet.

That's all I have to say for now.

TTFN,

...J

Me and My Beast - 10/27/08

2008-10-27T15:11:00.002-04:00

Well I've been doing pretty well considering I'm off the booze and pot. Today I'm rather depressed but I don't know why. Nothing has changed - at least not that I'm aware of. Perhaps it is due to less (significantly) coffee I've been drinking. Yesterday I only had one cup and same with today. It's a good thing though without coffee, my anxiety has been down some. Speaking of coffee, I went to make a pot this morning so I took out the basket where the grinds go and emptied it. I filled it back up and then I lost it. I've searched everywhere for it and I just can't find the fucking thing. Fortunately, my Mom has like 10 of these baskets (I know - she's a freak) so she brought over two for me for tomorrow morning.

I quit taking the Buspar because it's expensive and I didn't think that it was doing anything for me. However, my Mom insisted that I go back on it as she had noticed a positive difference when I was taking it so I started again last night.

I used to take cogentin for a couple of years when I lived in Toronto. It's purpose is to reduce and possibly eliminate the side effects of an anti-psychotic medication. It worked well for me, reducing the shakes in my hands and stuff. So my hands to be shaky again (this time on Haldol anti-psychotic) so I started taking them again as of yesterday. OMG, it was awful. First of all, I don't really have any recollection of the events from yesterday so it affected my memory. I do recall driving my son's brother and sister home. It was raining out and I couldn't really see the lines on the road and with nobody to follow, I was veering into the next lane then back over to my lane. One of the times I veered, I was completely in the lane where oncoming drive was. Next thing I know, I was head on with a big fucking truck. Luckily he swirved right away cause I didn't until I passed the truck. For some twisted reason, I found this amusing. I didn't have a clue where we were supposed to be going, sometimes I didn't even know what road I was on, the kids kept saying "where are you going". I didn't have an answer. I ended up driving to Brockville three times (20 mins each way) using different routes. I knew I had to take my son's brother and sister home which was in Brockville but I didn't want them to go hungry (this was about 7PM) so in one of my trips to go to Brockville we stopped at Burger King.

It was all just fucked up. I felt like I was stoned or something.

That's all for now but I'm going to come back to this entry and finish it. I just don't have the patience to sit at my 'puter.

Weight Update - 10/07/08

2008-10-07T13:52:00.002-04:00

One positive thing is my weight since getting of Risperdal has dropped by 40lbs and counting. I'm now 200 so a little belly. My goal is 160 - my weight before going on Risperdal.

Real Anxiety Cure - 10/07/08

2008-10-07T13:26:00.002-04:00

So I'm on this medication now that is supposed to deal with anxiety - Buspar is the name. It's not covered under any drug plan so I have to fork out something like $80 / month for it. So far it's helped slightly. You know what really works for anxiety for me anyways - and it's something I've resorted to since a teen. Alcohol, pot, and self-cutting - all of which work much better than any fucking medication I've ever been on.

Right now I'm in a high anxiety state - my husband fucking dumped me, moving out of my parents and into my own place again and the responsibilities that come with it, my son (he's an angel sometimes, devil other times). To add to it, I went and got a puppy (Pug) which is soothing sometimes and other times a big fucking bag of stress. All of this happened in a span of four weeks or so.

So what have I been doing to deal with it - drink. I don't like drinking every night - especially because of the message it sends my son. But if I didn't drink, I'd be in the hospital for sure. Likely after stabbing myself in the stomach. That's the new thing - cutting isn't good enough - I want to stab myself. That's the last thing I want is to be back in the hospital. I think the only reason I get better in the hospital and because all of my responsibilities are taken away which is somewhat comforting if only for a week or a month. Although my hospital visits in Brockville in the past have been months long I believe. That was in the beginning.

I think I'm going to go get some pot and just smoke it after my son goes to bed. It was pot all along while staying at my parents because I couldn't drink there. So I'd go smoke then go hide and enjoy the ride it took me on.

Hopefully I'm not painting the picture of a crazed lunatic cause I'm not. I don't know what I need to be honest to fix this anxiety problem.

Any ideas? Comment then.

Me and My Beast - 10/03/08

2008-10-03T20:18:00.003-04:00

Well things are going fairly good thus the reason for not posting (I forgot). I'm now on Buspron or some such which is for anxiety. I've been anxious for a long time but I didn't think there was a solution to it other than deep breathing and relaxation tapes but these didn't work very well. Buspron is helping but I think I could use a higher dose. On a positive note, we moved in to our new place. It's a two bedroom but with an office of a good size. It's awesom, I've got satellite in the two bedrooms, the office and the living room. My family has been hugely supportive. My Mom's painted the whole house almost. We've compromised on the colours. :-) On a negative POV, my husband has left me because he wanted to stay in Kingston to stay at his place of employment. He told me this one week before I took the house which fucked my finances but I think I can make it through without him. His income would only be $500 after ODSP took their half. So I cut back on the savings for car repairs and general savings. I left the gift savings (pretty well my son's Xmas) the same. I think I'm in good shape, I'll end up with $1500 for my son's Xmas.

Well I just wanted to give an update which I have. Will talk to you soon.....

-- Update --
Things seemed a little rosier on this day.

To the Anonymous Comment - 05/27/08

2008-05-27T18:38:00.002-04:00

This post is addressed to the person that left a comment on a previous post that indicated how trapped they felt on ODSP. I would like to chat with you as I went through the same thing and am still going through it to some degree. Perhaps we could share stories and I can provide some advice to you. If you want, e-mail me at jwilson29@gmail.com and we can go from there.

Regards,

Jason

Me and My Beast - 05/17/08

2008-05-17T13:30:00.003-04:00

Well I'm fully off the Risperdal now thank god. My psychiatrist had to bump my Haldol from 5mg to 10mg (I know, big jump) due to some residual psychotic thoughts/feelings I was having. I've been on 10mg now for about a week and it seems to be working. I was told that it's possible, as one of the side effects of going on a higher Haldol dose, is that my eyes could roll back in my head and stay like that until I get to emerg and have them inject me with a combination of cogentin and ativan. Not a lovely thought, thank god it never happened to me. I seem to take medication well though in the sense that my body needs more medication than most would require so a 10mg dose may be like a 5mg dose for somebody else. I think I've always been that way.

It's like a combination of being manic and in a psychosis at the same time. It's exhilarating.

So I'm trying to get in touch with my future landlord to confirm a definitive date for the completion of the renovations. The last we spoke, July 1st was going to be doable but I'm sort of questioning that now. We may need to get another car cause my husband's is gonna take a shit anytime now I can see it. The debate lastnight at my husband's was whether he should just stay in Kingston (physically) until he gets licensed and "knows how to do stuff" or move in with my son and I in July and commute until he gets licensed and "knows how to do stuff" at which point he would look for a job in Brockvegas. I'm not really comfortable with him staying in Kingston but whatever.

That's all for now. I'm sorta bummed now.

...J

Risperdal, Risperdal Go Away - 04/15/08

2008-04-15T04:57:00.002-04:00

Well I've had my final dose of Risperdal about two weeks ago. I was given the option to take one final lower dose tomorrow but I think I'm going to wave that option. Come this Wednesday, I'll be off Risperdal altogether. I'm assuming that it will take another two weeks or so to completely get out of my system and hopefully then, the weight gain will taper off and perhaps I'll be able to lose weight. I'm just hoping that my current dose of Haldol is enough. I suppose if I do go in a psychosis, it will likely be mild in nature and something I'll be able to realize isn't really happening. That's what I found when I was on the Risperdal and under extreme stress was that I could control my paranoid thoughts with PRNs and even without PRNs, I knew in the back of my mind that what I was thinking couldn't possibly be real. Almost as if I had two brains working against each other. A partial psychosis so to speak.

Things are going well otherwise. I'm still doing consulting work for a company in Toronto and actually my workload has picked up in the past month. I've decided to go off being a part-time employee and instead go on as a true contractor where I just invoice them for my work. This way it gives me better control over my finances and allows me the flexibility of being able to write a bunch of stuff off that I couldn't otherwise do. Good things. Plus, I'm thinking of expanding my consulting to companies and consumers in the Brockville/Kingston area. I don't know how successful it will be but I'll give it a try.

Anyways, smoke break. Will chat soon!

.../J

Mental Health Blog Research Project - 04/15/08

2008-04-15T04:55:00.002-04:00

To fellow mental health bloggers, The College of New Jersey is interested in gaining information on the views of authors of mental health blogs. Share your views and sign up today if you haven't already. The details are below:

--

Hello,
I am part of a research group from The College of New Jersey interested in gaining information on the views of authors of mental health blogs. This study is part of a research project of Dr. Yifeng Hu, a professor in the Communication Studies department at TCNJ. You have been contacted because you are the author of such a blog. Participation will involve responding to surveys about your mental health and blogging habits. The results are completely confidential. No respondent's personal identity will be requested or associated with any set of answers. We appreciate your time and help with our study and as a thank you for participating you will receive a $5 gift card (or you can choose to donate your amount to Mental Health America). If you are interested, please send an email to mhblog@tcnj.edu and be sure to include a link to the home page of your blog as well as your preferred contact email address. The survey will be sent to you via email within the next few weeks. Thank you in advance for your participation!
--
Mental Health Blog Research Group
The College of New Jersey
mhblog@tcnj.edu

235 and counting!

2008-03-25T07:30:00.002-04:00

Well I've reached 235 lbs thanks to Risperdal (my antipsychotic). I'm working with my new doctor on the Brockville ACT team to move me over completely to Haldol as it doesn't cause weight gain or make you drowsy. I'm going to start on the pills then go to the injectable form which is only required every 4 weeks as opposed to every 2 weeks for Risperdal Consta. In order to do this as safely as possible (not put me in a psychosis), I'll be taking Haldol orally until we reach what my doctor says is an optimal dose of 5mg then he'll reduce my Consta to 37.5 as my last injection. It should take another 4 weeks before I'm completely off the Consta and at what hopefully is the right dose for Haldol.

I have one concern in that my doctor said that taking all of both types of medication will likely cause me to have side effects such as shuffling like an old man instead of walking and a lot of hand tremors but I'm presently on 4mg and I haven't experienced any of that. Not that I want to either it's just I've generally required to be on the higher end of the spectrum of doses for most medications (must be the way I metabolize them or something) and I'm concerned that because I haven't had any side effects, that the Haldol dose will potentially have to be much more than 5mg. This I will take up with him next week when I see him next.

I'm going to make an appointment with a dietitian as they have a free consultation available at the Superstore. I've tried many different diets but with me being the type that expects instant results, I've never really stuck to them. Hopefully the dietitian can help me out in deciding on a diet and sticking to it.

I know I haven't written in this in over a month - I guess I've just forgot about it but I do intend to continue to write in it as things happen. My son's hockey team did really well in the playoffs coming in second place. The last game (the deal breaker) for first place was so close - they just needed an extra couple of minutes. I bought him a spring/fall coat that has his name on it as well as the team logo. The only problem is that he's going to want to wear it in the Fall when he'll be playing for a different city :-). I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes (let's hope he grows exponentially over the summer).

Anyways, I'm outta here. TTFN

ADD & My Son - 02/21/08

2008-02-21T19:29:00.003-05:00

Well my son and I had our appointment on Tuesday with the paediatricians with regards to ADD testing. It consisted of two interviews with both my son and I present asking typical questions about school and home routines. There wasn't a formal questionnaire that they followed to assist in diagnosis. After two interviews, my son was diagnosed as having ADHD - the inattentive kind not the hyperactive kind. After asking our questions we began to talk about treatment and it looks like both myself and the teacher have already exhausted all of the non-medication based treatment plans with no further success. So, a prescription was written and I was given a couple of short questionnaires to give to the teacher as a formality and that was that. I recall talking to my son's teacher in the past about diagnostic testing but of course, I didn't think of asking about it at the question period.

I took my son out for lunch and then we headed to the pharmacy. I opted to go with a once a day dosing medication so he wouldn't have to take medication at school (he'd forget, kids would find out....) despite it not being covered by my shitty disability benefits. Apparently they only cover the three times a day medications. I was really reluctant to put him on medications at all because of the horror stories I've heard but after carefully considering it, I decided to give it a try and see if there's any benefit. He has to be able to focus or he'll be in really big trouble once he hits high school. He's in grade 5 now but I'm afraid that he's only going to fall further and further behind with his grades. As I mentioned in my previous post, he's a very brilliant child and has the capability of getting much better grades than he's getting now.

I guess I'll just have to see how it goes with the medication. He has a great teacher who is very supportive and understanding so between her feedback and what I observe at home, I should be able to make a sound decision.

If you are or have been in a similar position, please provide any feedback you can give especially as it relates to medication. jwilson29@gmail.com.

Me and My Beast - 02/05/08

2008-02-05T06:31:00.000-05:00

I went to see my psychiatrist last week as a follow-up to me starting on the Brockville ACT team. It was my second appointment with him but my first to discuss my medications and any symptoms I was having. I mentioned the movies of me watching myself stab myself in the head and/or stomach and in the past, with my other psychiatrists, one said he didn't know what it was (this was when I first became ill), another said it was obsessions linked to OCD, yet another said she just thought it was symptoms of anxiety and finally my new doctor has said that it's psychotic symptoms. For the longest time I assumed these movies were linked to anxiety but it's difficult to distinguish what comes first, the movies or the anxiety in response to the movies.

My doctor has put me on a low dose of another antipsychotic called Haldol which I recognized as soon as he said it because I remember Andrea Yates was put on an injectable form of it and also because I've done some research on it. This particular antipsychotic is an older (typical) antipsychotic that from everything I've read is very effective. Having left the meeting, I was a little confused on how my doctor wanted me to take them because in one breath he was saying take them as needed in replace of my oral Risperdal (I'm still on injectable) but yet he also said they won't work until I've taken them for at least 3 days straight. So do I only take them when I need them which won't allow for a steady state to be reached necessarily or do I take them everyday. Unfortunately I did not clarify this with him but I've decided to take two 1mg tabs per day, one in the morning, one in the afternoon.

I haven't had a movie since but I also haven't been under very much anxiety so it remains to be seen whether they're working or whether it's just that my anxiety is unusually low.

One other thing my doctor did this time around (finally, it's happening) was to increase my Wellbutrin to 150mg per day and he mentioned he'd like to get me up to 300mg fairly rapidly.

On a positive and unrelated matter, I have officially started to go to the gym. I've only went the once so far with my sister who is acting as my personal trainer which was really anxiety provoking but once I got there and started working out, the anxiety went away for the most part. I think I'm even ready to go by myself during the day when there's hardly anybody there. We'll see. I can't go today because I have some work to do and some errands to run but I'm shooting for Wednesday to either go myself or with my sister.

And there you have it, my update for the past while. I apologize for those that happen to follow my blog for not posting sooner. I feel like I've been busy but I don't know with what! :-)

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/22/08

2008-01-22T05:58:00.000-05:00

My previous post (January 14th) alarmed somebody and this person thought I was suicidal. I'm not suicidal although thoughts of that and self-harm have crossed my mind a lot lately. My mental movies are coming back of me stabbing myself multiple times either in the temple or the stomach. That post was a summary of what was going through my head at the time of one of my movies (that time was my stomach). My self-harm thoughts come and go and are either, again, me stabbing myself in the stomach or cutting down the length of my arm with a razor blade leaving a deep incision. These thoughts I know are a result of high anxiety but I don't know what's causing the anxiety. There are some situations where anxiety is prevalent like taking my son to hockey but I don't get those thoughts during those times. This is HIGH anxiety and I know in the past, self-cutting has caused the anxiety to go away if not for a brief period of time so I think I'm just automatically responding to what I think I can do within my control to relieve the anxiety.

So to avoid any confusion or questions, I'm not suicidal nor have I harmed myself in any way but I'm not doing well right now. I'm supposed to hear from who will be my new social worker who is part of the ACT team in Brockville. Hopefully he can get me in to see a psychiatrist relatively quickly.

I'll keep you posted.

Me and My Beast - 01/14/07

2008-01-14T22:14:00.000-05:00

A full thrust, it's piercing full force. I look down and all I see is red squirting out. I don't feel anything, my body is numb. In and out it goes, more red. "And I see no bravery, no bravery anymore". Pieces are falling until I can't do it anymore - I'm still numb. How could this be beautiful?

Visit with hubby [update] - 01/14/08

2008-01-14T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well my husband continued to disappoint me. He showed up a little late which was fine - better late than never. As soon as I got close to him though, all I could smell was the stench of beer on his breath. I asked, he said he had a couple. Like fuck, couldn't he humour me and go a day without drinking? At first he tried to say it was Listerine - please, I know the smell of alcohol and more specifically beer on someone's breath. Although I was very pissed off and disappointed, I did not let that wreck our evening together. I didn't want to start a fight or anything because I know how important it was to my son that my husband be at his hockey game. He cut mine and my son's hair in the kitchen (much to my step-dad's chagrin) then we ate and left for the game. I did talk to him (calmly) about his drinking and what he plans to do about it but it was the same damn thing as always, he tried continuously to change the subject. But I relented and got out of him that he has no intention of going to AA meetings (even if I went with him), the one-on-one counseling that I had originally arranged was still a possibility but he keeps waiting for psychiatry and psychology services first before he quits drinking. Personally, I think that's just a cop out to allow him more time to continue drinking. Besides, I tried to reason with him, psychiatry isn't going to be able to help him while he continues to drink. To put it simply, alcohol quite effectively deletes any benefits gained from anti-depressants. While you may feel good when you're drinking, your mind takes the hit later in the day or next day. He knows and acknowledges that but continues to drink anyways.

I'm a little frustrated with his mother and sister to be honest - I would have thought they would be more actively involved and on my side in getting him to quit drinking. I don't think either one of them understands the gravity of the situation. I don't know whether I should call his Mom or not - I'm just thinking that perhaps she could talk some sense into him. His sick benefits are almost up so he will have to go to work and to be honest, I think that's the best thing for him drinking wise. At least then he'll be forced to stay sober through the day and it could also boost his self-esteem which could result in less drinking in the evening when he's not working.

So, I ask, should I call his mother and talk to her or not?

Visit with my hubby - 01/13/08

2008-01-13T15:13:00.000-05:00

My husband is coming down to my Mom's today - shortly actually. I can't wait. It'll be the first time my son has seen him since September so he's eagerly awaiting his arrival as am I. I mean I've certainly seen him plenty of times since September but still not often enough. He's going to cut mine and my son's hair - we both desperately need a cut. Then we'll have some dinner and go to my son's hockey game tonight at 7. I know, who the hell scheduled a game at 7PM on a school night for 9 and 10 year olds. Fortunately for us, it's at our home rink which is about 20 minutes away but for the other team, it's definitely a longer commute. Oh well, sucks to be them. :-)

I think my husband is doing a lot better with the drinking issue although it's hard to tell when you're 45 minutes apart. Whenever I call he usually answers the phone now whereas before he would ignore it because he didn't want to talk to me drunk - quite frankly, I don't want to talk to him when he's drunk either as it would just piss me off. He's also sounding a lot chipper than in the past when he was drinking. I'm still concerned though that he's not seeking outside support. Sure, perhaps he can stop drinking now but I think with proper counseling and regular support (i.e. AA meetings), he would have much better success at staying sober. I've already told him that I don't want to live together again until he gets this issue under control. I guess we'll see how it pans out.

It was not my original intent to discuss the drinking problem in this post at all - it just popped into my head. Perhaps because I know for sure that he hasn't been drinking if he's coming to see me.

Me and My Beast - 01/12/08

2008-01-12T19:10:00.000-05:00

As I was pacing back and forth in the garage, smoking a cigarette, I began to think about what life was like before I got really sick. I know I've reflected on the past in my blog before but just bare with me. I was thinking that my hypomanic episodes, where I was doing really well in all aspects of my life (relationships, career, parenting, etc.) were great! I wasn't "high" enough to do stupid things or anything like that - just a cool slight high. Well, ok so I spent a _little_ too much money but that was it. Now, my lithium that I take is supposed to prevent manic or hypomanic episodes and having thought about it, I don't think I really want to take my lithium anymore. As I just said, I liked my highs and I want them back. It's my lows that I have and have had a problem with for quite some time. In my opinion, who cares if I'm hypomanic as long as it's not interfering with my daily functions. Mood stabilizers such as lithium or epival (used to take) just dull your mind.

Me and My Beast - 01/08/08

2008-01-08T20:51:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling a little strange lately, different from my usual strangeness. It's difficult to explain - I almost feel as though I'm in a different world. I guess this coincides with my "nothing is real" philosophy. I'm finding myself whispering and at times talking to myself - especially when I'm alone in the garage smoking. I'm not talking to any particular voices - just to myself. But I'm making conversations with whomever I'm talking to meaning I keep up with both sides of the conversation myself. I don't know - do you do that frequently? Perhaps it's an effect of being asocial and therefore not really have anybody to talk to. Sorry in advance if I offend you but I often refer myself to being "socially retarded". My mind goes blank in almost every adult conversation unless I know the person/people very well.

I've been taking Risperdal mtabs in an attempt to rid this feeling of mine and it seems to work, albeit only for a while.

I gotta go now as I'm really tired from the Nozinan and mtabs.

Mental Health Website Operational

2008-01-08T06:19:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed that www.meandmybeast.com no longer goes directly to my blog. Instead it is pointing to a new website I've developed to provide up-to-date news relating to mental health (not functional yet - looking for a good source) and forums and live chat areas to facilitate communications and support among those that suffer from a mental illness as well as those that are supporting somebody with such an illness.

The website is fairly basic right now (I'm not a website developer) but so far it does have a functioning online chat and forums for discussions. I have other ideas for the site as well. My blog is now at blog.meandmybeast.com and there's a link to it from www.meandmybeast.com. If you have any suggestions or comments on the site, please send them to jason.wilson@meandmybeast.com.

Thanks - now go check out the site.

Me and My Beast - 01/06/07

2008-01-06T13:46:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what has changed but the last few days have been a little rough. I'm finding that I'm slipping into a depression coupled with more anxiety than normal. While I was visiting my husband earlier this week, he gave me a bunch of blister packs with meds in them dating back to last December (2006). I didn't realize just how much clonazepam I was taking at that time. It was a lot more than I take now. I'm presently taking 2.5mg with my other nightly meds. Before I was taking 2mg in the morning, 2mg at dinner then 2.5mg at bed. Anyways, the point of this little story is that I took all the meds home with me and kept them in a safe place so nobody would find out I had them. Bad idea. I was feeling a little anxious earlier in the week and I just wanted to sleep so I took 8.5mg. I slept well but then felt guilty that I hadn't just handed over the meds to my Mom to begin with. After waking up, I gave my Mom the meds because there was a lot of clonazepam in those blister packs - likely a lethal amount especially if taken with alcohol. I don't really know why I kept them in the first place - I wasn't suicidal at that point. I guess I just wanted to keep them just in case I became suicidal.

I've had this weird feeling in my body the past couple of days. It's somewhat difficult to describe but it's almost like an out of body experience or some such and have I ever been tired and unmotivated to do anything because of the way I feel. My stomach has felt a little queasy on and off. I'm not hallucinating or delusional but something is just not right. I'm going to see my psychiatrist on the 10th and I'll discuss this with her.