Gheorghe: The Blog

Cracking Good Stuff

2009-11-23T07:16:00.000-05:00

A little feel good fandom to start your Thanksgiving week.

There's a good reason Florida is playing Florida International. I just don't feel like telling you...

2009-11-21T11:46:00.002-05:00

If you haven't noticed, I've been playing the part of a disgruntled employee or ,more appropriately, staff member this week. And not in the fun Disgruntled Goat kind of way. You see, I like Geoff. When he used to write for the Wheelhouse, his posts were consistently funny and even, at times, informative. Yet, unlike most of the guys who write here, I don't have much in common with Geoff. We don't live near each other, we didn't go to college together and we're definitely not going to be invited to the same cocktail parties (Full disclosure: I've never been invited to a cocktail party). So, all we have in common are my jokes at his expense and the memory of the time he came to Gainesville and my pit bull (Tinsley) attempted to eat his flip flops whilst they were on his feet. Sadly, those jokes, like my pit bull have grown old and tired. Tinsley's still around, but he's not the vicious baby killer he once was. I have another pit bull now (Mayfield) and much like Rob, he's a tiny, out of control asshole who has forced me to change the way I do things. I'm sure its for the better, but I don't like it. Not one bit.

To be fair, I didn't like meth the first time I tried it either. Now Salvea, that's a different story. That shit was amazing. I hit it (and followed it immediately with a whippit) and within seconds I felt like I was in King Koopa's Castle on Super Mario Bros. Greg's brother was so high he tried to walk through the screened door. That shit is awesome. If your local flea market still sells it, I suggest you get your ass down there with the townies and get yourself some.

Where was I? Oh yeah, meth. Like I said, I didn't like that shit much when I tried it the first time. But now? Oh man. That's my shit. So what I'm saying here is, bear with me. I'll figure out a way to make Rob nervous again, piss TJ off and generate some vitriol for guys I've never met like Zoltan and TR. It's just going to take me some time. But I'll get there. This is my promise to you, dear readers.

UConn (+7.5) @ Notre Dame: Both teams are in a state of mourning. UConn is obviously still mourning the tragic loss of teammate Jasper Howard. Notre Dame on the other hand is mourning both the loss of any hope for a decent bowl game and the end of the Charlie Weis era. Now, Charlie may not think its over because nobody's informed him of his impending termination, but all that tells you is that Charlie is a clueless as he is arrogant. But, we all knew that already. Charlie has seemed in over his head from day one. He's been defensive, cocky and, frankly, not very good at his job. He'll get one last win in South Bend today before Stanford, Andrew Luck and Toby Gerhart run roughshod over the Irish next week. I'm not sure who Notre Dame is going to hire next but until the delusional alums, fans (Hey TJ and Dan!) and administration come to the realization that Notre Dame is no longer an elite program...and that they're more likely to lose 3-4 games each year than they are to go to a BCS bowl game, we'll be having this same discussion about the firing and hiring of Notre Dame football coaches all over again 3-5 years from now. Irish win...big.

Oregon (-4) @ Arizona: Arizona has quietly played pretty good football this year. That's neat and all, but the real Arizona football story that's slipped under the radar this year is this. I guess it's not a shock that an Arizona QB wouldn't have the NFL beating down his door, but a guy with the physical ability and experience of Willie Tuitama should at least be getting some CFL looks. Shit, even Chris Leak's pussy ass is still hanging on up in America Jr. (Quick tangent: Every year around this time, the Canadian National Crew team comes down to my town to live and train for 3-4 months. When they do this, they take over my gym like a pack of pale, boring, annoyingly accented locusts. Don't get me wrong, I like Canadians. The ones who drink and smoke too much. These are not those Canadians. The men are douchey Euro look a likes and the women have traps the size of small dogs. And these people make it fucking impossible for me to have a decent workout in anything under an hour and a half. Seriously, take off hosers). Anyway, Oregon's a better football team than Arizona. More importantly, they aren't going to let a second chance to clinch a Rose Bowl berth slip through their fingers, or past their webbed feet. Oregon wins by at least two TDs and LeGarrette Blount scores at least one TD himself.

LSU (+4) @ Ole Miss: TJ thinks Ole Miss is winning this game. TJ hasn't watched nearly enough of Houston Nutt to realize that his teams rarely win when they are supposed to and specialize in winning games in which they seemingly have little chance. Its how his special brand of crazy works. He's a great motivator and a pretty average coach (Which differentiates him from Les Miles who is an average motivator and terrible coach). Ole Miss has a banged up DLine that will struggle to get pressure on Jordan Jefferson, who's back from a sprained ankle he suffered against Alabama. Furthermore, LSU DC John Chavis is surely going to stack the line in order to take away college football's most dangerous midget, Dexter McCluster (Quick tangent #2: Why doesn't every school in the NCAA recruit the ever loving fuck out of Florida? McCluster was a good not great high school player in Tampa, which is probably the 3rd or 4th best city in terms on high school football talent in the state, and he's been an absolutely dominant player when he's gotten enough touches this year. Every year, grab 8-10 under the radar kids out of Florida and bring them to your shitty school in the south or the midwest or wherever. You're likely to get at least 2 impact players from each class. Now, to be fair, you're likely to have at least 2 players from each class get arrested as well but that's just the price of doing business, right?) and force Jevan "I've lost somewhere between $5-10 million this year" Snead to beat a very good LSU secondary himself. That, ain't happening. On the bright side, the Klan is planning on staging a rally in Oxford right before today's game, which should do wonders for the nation's perception of Mississippi as a state, and the south in general. LSU wins, Snead throws 3 picks and Houston Nutt makes at least 5 ridiculous faces that make me laugh out loud.

Florida International (+43) @ Florida: I've only got two things to say about this game: (1) I like this game and when it falls because it lets some of the Gator's bigger contributors rest up for the stretch run and (2) I can't see Florida covering. If it happens, its because John Brantley's allowed to throw the ball a ton in the second half. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing as Brantley has seen far less game action than initially anticipated going into this season. FIU and Ned cover.

Oh yeah, one last thing: TJ called me tonight (now last night) half drunk whilst looking for Ray Finkle after Rob used his kids as an excuse to get off the phone with him (Kids are good for one thing, they are bullet proof excuses. Nobody will ever say shit if you invoke your kids in your excuse). TJ then proceeded to tell me that I may know a lot about college football but he knows waaaay more than me when it comes to College basketball (all because I jokingly said Cal would beat Syracuse). Of course, this was closely followed up by a discussion on UNC where I mentioned they had two lottery picks on this year's team. TJ said they had three and called Marcus Ginyard and Deon Thompson lottery picks. Uhhh, no. First rounders, maybe. Not the lottery. The lottery picks on UNC are Ed Davis and John Henson, but I digress. So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet right now.

Next week, TJ and I will square off (if he's man enough) in a College Basketball prediction post where we will each pick the Conference Champ (regular season) and Player of the Year from each BCS Conference and 4 mid-major conferences (two of TJ's choice and two of mine). Then we'll see who the most prescient loser on this blog is. Oh, we will see.

Futile Superfan Sports Round-Up

2009-11-21T09:17:00.005-05:00

Here’s my usual lone football pick of the week:

Washington @ Dallas (-11)
It’s Dallas week! If you can’t get excited about Redskins-Cowboys, well, then . . . okay, so much for this enthusiastic stuff. Those of you who don’t think that after last week’s inspired win Washington’s going to lay a huge egg in Big D haven’t been paying attention.

There was a nice story about how after Dan Snyder rescinded his ban on signs mocking him, a group of fans prepared to stage an organized protest during last Sunday’s game cancelled it in the name of good will. What wasn’t mentioned there (but was by the SportsBog) was what Rob and I saw in the seats opposite ours in the third quarter. A group of 20-some people unfurled an enormous banner that said “WORST OWNER EVER” and turned it to face the owner’s box. One win, fun to attend though it was, does not heal this ailing organization.
Cowboys 27, Redskins 10.

* * * * *

For the uninformed, there’s something of a big showdown in the Capital of the South today. Your Fighting Wrens of William & Mary take on the Spiders of the University of Richmond in a rivalry whose trophy has recently been renamed because . . . well, no explanation is needed, really:

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. - The winner of this year's matchup between the University of Richmond and the College of William & Mary will be taking home the Capital Cup.
The two schools are part of the South's oldest college football rivalry, having played each other 118 times.

The new trophy will be awarded for the first time after the Nov. 21 game at the University of Richmond Stadium. It replaces the I-64 Trophy.

The rivalry began with the Spiders winning 15-0 on Nov. 19, 1898. The Tribe holds a 59-54-5 lead. Both schools say the new Capital Cup reflects the historical significance of the cities of Williamsburg and Richmond as the last two capitals of Virginia.

In addition to bragging rights and a nifty Capital Cup, this year’s winner will go home with more cash & prizes: the likelihood of a pair of home playoff games. (Y’know, assuming they win in the first round.) Yes, people, it’s football playoffs time again . . . for some divisions. With a respectable loss, the Tribe may still get a home game next Saturday (11/22). With a victory, however . . . well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Fueling the fire will be the sting the Spiders feel after losing a men’s basketball contest to a meager CAA opponent two nights ago. Yes, the Wren hoopsters knocked off the too-good-for-the-CAA Richmond, 78-71. This will undoubtedly add . . . almost nothing. I just wanted to mention it.

Go Tribe.

* * * * *

In other southeastern Virginia college football news, the Monarchs of Old Dominion University wrap up their brilliant inaugural football season at VMI today. ODU, at 8-2, already has more wins than any other start-up program in I-AA history. But today’s a bit of a tester. Although they have played FCS opponents in all but two games, those opponents have been on the softer side of the division by most accounts.

Don’t misunderstand; what Old Dominion has accomplished thus far not only has been highly impressive and fun to follow, it also bodes well for the future success of the program. This can, should, and probably will be a top I-AA program within a decade. The groundswell of financial and community support, the student body size, the geographic location, and . . . ahem, the lack of overly stringent admissions for athletes like some schools founded in 1693 should all factor into a winning future. Add in the benefits of such a great first season during the recruiting process, and things are looking up in Big Blue-ville.

Today’s game in Lexington will simply be an indicator of how much of a fast-track ODU football really is on. W&M handles VMI season in and season out without breaking too much of a sweat. There have been some scares along the way, but not too many. Meanwhile, the conference ODU will join in 2011, the Colonial Athletic Association, has quickly become the elite of I-AA. As of this writing, CAA teams comprise three of the top five spots in FCS rankings; they also hold the #11 and #25 slots. Two unranked schools, JMU and UMass, could take down plenty of worthy non-conference opponents. It’ll be a tough row to hoe for the DU of O, but today should give us a glimpse of how they measure up in the short term.

Flogging Mollie

2009-11-20T11:37:00.011-05:00

So my local newspaper sportswriter has struck again. I promised I wasn’t going to browbeat the guy any more for his missteps, but . . . I guess I lied.

In today’s Virginian-Pilot, Bob Molinaro has once again littered the Sports section with drivel, and in this case, it’s indefensible. From the get-go: his column is entitled “More College Games on TV is Not Necessarily a Good Thing.” I cringed at first read, knowing all too well that the 666 words contained within (not a joke; not a coincidence) would evoke fist-clenching and teeth-gnashing.

I knew what was coming, for I have been reading Mollie’s stuff for way too long. He’s in his third decade of writing for the Pilot, and he hasn’t aged gracefully. Instead of donning the robes of a senior statesman and venerable elder like a Shirley Povich, over the years Bob Molinaro has absorbed the persona of a whiny old crankpot, a cantankerous curmudgeon with some sort of misdirected shoulder chip. I feel like I’m reading a third-rate Tony Kornheiser – in an era where even Tony himself is a pale shadow of his once-worthy self.

And so we venture through the barren wasteland of sports insight that’s today’s piece. The column asserts that the recent all-day, all-night college basketball extravaganza was a pointless exercise. It further attests that there are far too many college basketball games on television these days. Specifically, it highlights the fact that “292 ACC games will be on some form of television,” following it up with “But is more really better? I don't think so. More is just more.” Ugh.

He goes on to include the following assessments:

“Perhaps, too, the unintended consequence of ESPN's marathon is to remind jaded viewers that between now and March they can expect a glut of meaningless basketball games.”

“Many things are more enjoyable in smaller portions.”

“Attempting to digest basketball's TV schedule is like walking down an aisle at Costco past the industrial-sized containers of condiments. You like mayonnaise, but when you see it displayed in two-gallon jars, you feel indigestion coming on.”

And really, I could have included the entire segment. But somewhere in the mix, Bob tried to slip this one by me:

“I say this as a life-long fan of college basketball. I like eating chocolate, too, but not five times a day.”

No. Herein lies my problem with this article, Mr. Molinaro. If the words you wrote were uttered by my sister at dinner, by my co-worker between meetings, even by my dad flipping through channels, my jockeys would be obscuring my buns rather than ‘twixt cheeks in a knotted, painful, thong-like bunch. But the words were printed in a mass-circulation publication in a section labeled SPORTS. I expect a little – no, a lot more from you.

I want my network news anchors to be utter newshounds. I want them to eat, drink, breathe, sleep and sweat news. I want them to know so much about history that friends and acquaintances call them at all hours of the day just to settle bets, and to know so much about current events that their beer buddies nickname them “CNN.” I want them to have educated opinions on everything news-related – tempered with loads of historical perspective.

I want my rock critics to know much more than I do about music, and I think I know quite a bit. I want them to be able to tell me that a new Old 97’s album is in the works within 48 hours of Rhett Miller calling Ken Bethea to talk about it. I want them at a show three nights a week, to know things like why Adam Ant reversed the D’s when he would write ADAM AND THE ANTS, and to – at all times – be able to steer me towards unheard gems.

And dammit, man, I want my sportswriters to be insatiable sports addicts. I want sports on their brains at every waking moment . . . and also the backdrop in the every dream. I want them to secretly think that the NBA season isn’t long enough. I want them to call the day prior to and the day after the Midsummer Classic “Black Monday” and “Black Wednesday.” I want them to have a new take on tired topics, have a running schedule of must-see sports on the tube or in person, and run the company’s expense budget ragged by attending sporting events all year long. I want them more rabid than any mere fan, and I want the prose they put forth to exude sports fanaticism. Factor in a cool perspective bred of a supremely vast historical knowledge, and these are the people I want to read.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe the same folks who elected a guy president simply because “he seems like one of us, like he’d be a good fella to have a beer with” instead of actual inspiration want their sports columnists to be more everyman-ish, more average Joe – a casual fan just like them.

I think that’s bunk of the highest order. That column is a privilege. A pedestal. You’re there because you have two things going for you: (1) You can write. You put words together in a way that turns pages. (2.) You know sports in and out, up and down; you spend all of your time watching, writing, talking, and thinking about sports; and you bring to light the finer points the casual fans might miss.

Why does it matter? Because when sports columnists have that rare combination of wisdom, zeal, style and skill, they can elevate in the public an awareness, a sensibility, and a passion for all things sports. The best newsmen and newswomen keep you wanting to know more about what’s up in the world. The best music gurus can make you dust off the old stuff, dig up the new stuff, and get off your hind quarters and go see live music. The best sportswriters make the games pertinent, make them more interesting, keep you plugged into it all, and reveal an overt joy for the material in all that they do, say, and write.

So “Terrell Owens is a pain in the neck and a distraction to the team” doesn’t do it for me, Bob. “The Fighting Irish have problems bigger than Charlie Weis” starts to get a tiny smidge closer. (Although not including the barb “but no beltlines” was a missed opportunity.) Predicting the Skins would beat the Broncos was even better, going against the grain; that you pegged Kyle Orton as a major reason why proved fallible, and the thinly veiled, self-congratulatory “aw shucks, I’m not really a genius” cowpie of a column that followed undid much of that momentum, unfortunately.

And now this. Too much college basketball on TV? Oh, my. Are we longingly lamenting the demise of the days of three channels on the air giving us one basketball game a week and the knob we had to turn with our hands on the B/W with rabbit ears? If you really were a sports enthusiast in the truest sense or even a "life-long fan," you’d be telling us that there’s no such thing as too much basketball on the telly. You’d insinuate, as you did in today’s column that the hoops marathon was “ESPN gimmickry,” but you’d revel in it, anyway. Just as you’d wax poetic in March about “hope springing eternal” on the diamond, you’d be giddy with college pitball galore this week. Yes, many of the games aren’t must-see TV in the competitive or monumental way, but how fun is it for an otherwise national-broadcast-deprived I-A hoops program to get a little airtime? How fun is it to see a game played at 6AM? How fun is it just to be kicking off a new season? It all starts to get the college basketball juices flowing, and it should spark some interest in our sportswriters to do a little research and tell us who looks good on the local and national landscapes this season. But, no.

And too many games on TV this season? Piffle. I’m not suggesting you have to TiVo, watch, and critique every one of them. But how awesome is it that you have such a huge assortment of choices available? As analogies go, don’t equate this to the restaurant with a menu that’s too large. You have three minutes to make a meal choice, and some menus are indeed too big. But if that was your menu from now until the first week of April, wouldn’t you bask in the 10-page Bennigan’s-style book of food rather than a one-pager?

My decision to renew the Extra Innings package every year has increasingly become something you could file under “financially asinine,” and this season in particular should have scared me off. By March, though, I just know I’ll be plunking down way too much money for the awesomeness of over 1,000 baseball games available for my viewing. 1,000 baseball games. Is more really better? Hell, yes, you cretin. Am I going to watch 1,000 baseball games? Of course not. But I grew up lucky to get WWOR as a basic cable bonus for a couple of years, catching a Mets game here and there and wishing like mad for more. With the package, 140-150 Mets games are right there for me. And Red Sox games to see how Rob’s mental health is at the moment, and Yankee games so I can recall how Michael Kay’s voice could drive a man to mass murder, and just all those frickin’ games. I take the remote and stroll up and down the dial, rolling around in all that baseball like Woody Harrelson in all that money in Indecent Proposal. It’s not an “overcrowded schedule.” It’s absolute luxury, because I love baseball, and I love sports.

ACC basketball (not football, mind you) is great viewing. Top to bottom a competitive conference with a lot of history. More ACC hoops on TV is better to many, many people. Their local sports guy telling them it’s not is mind-numbing.

Bob, I sense that you aren’t Mr. Crabby-pants about sports so frequently in real life, that you do still revel in the concept. That maybe you’ve tapped into a persona that suits you. So show us the real you. Make us love it as much as you do. But if you’re not . . . if this is you, if you feel that all that basketball clogs the airwaves and precludes you from seeing . . . whatever other dreck is passing for actual television content these days, then please stop writing. Please step down, become sportswriter emeritus, and let someone else with an unquenchable thirst for sports and everything about it do your job. They’re out there, giddily tuning in, rooting for one side or the other, and celebrating an era when technology gives us sports overload.

Not bemoaning . . . celebrating.

[And I aim to put my money where my mouth is later today with an enthusiastic post about sports (and otherwise).]

Fuck your shoe...

2009-11-19T06:47:00.001-05:00

I don't post here often during the week because I'd have to get up extra early to beat the normal morning filler posts that TJ slaves over each night. Plus, between shaving my head, trimming my beard and electing a few popes, well my morning's pretty well full. However, I don't want you to think I'm just college football posts and banned material. No, no. I'm far more than that. When I was "working" from home I often posted about a wide variety of things...basketball, drugs, Ric Flair and...yeah, that's about it. I'm sure I've touched on a few other topics during my tumultuous time here at Gheorghe, but my memory is not what it once was and I don't much feel like combing through the archives.

While this post does is definitely basketball related, basketball plays but a bit part in things. Instead, I bring you this morning Youtube clip in the hopes of adding a little humor, a bit of a smile and a sprinkling of crazy to your Thursday morning. Who better to bring all of these things to the table the Ron Artest? He is truly an artist and crazy is his medium.

Most of you probably missed this clip since it happened late Sunday night, and closet racists like Rob, Whitney and Zoltan hate the NBA and everyone associated with it. (Except for Stu Jackson of course, they love that fucking guy.) Anyway, enjoy the comedic stylings of Ron Ron the Rottweiler...and have a good Thursday.

Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are G:TB

2009-11-18T09:40:00.011-05:00

Seems like a higher and higher percentage of the concerts I see these days fall under the "Reunion Tour" heading. Over the last decade or so, I've witnessed the reformations of quite a few acts, highlighted by the E Streeters' impressive return in '99. That one was so brilliant that they've stayed mostly together (RIP Danny Federici) ever since. Others . . . well, not quite so brilliant, but in most cases they deliver.

The Bruce shows were big news and big events, as was The Who's 6th or 7th "Farewell Tour" that I saw in 1996, but little re-groupings like the Violent Femmes in 2007 have proven nearly as enjoyable. There have been bands off minor hiatuses like the Black Crowes coming back in '05, and bands back together after 20+ years like The Police in '07. There are the ones nearly nobody else here has heard of (New Potato Caboose and Indecision last year, The Connells in 2006), the ones only the alt-rock dweebs would appreciate (Camper van Beethoven in 2001, Pixies in 2004, Fishbone in 2005), and the ones that were so killer that I can't properly convey the coolness (The Pogues in '06, Random Idiots in '04). Man . . . it's rampant.

Oh, yeah, before all of this I saw The Monkees' reunion at Norfolk Scope in the mid-eighties. Peter Tork kicked ass.

Some folks have a differeing viewpoint than I on this stuff -- they see sad, aging, debatably washed-up musicians trying to cash in one last go-'round. Pathetic. While they'll touch on some truth in such an assessment, the world isn't so rich in top-tier rock and roll concerts that I'll discount Part Deux regroupings just because it's been a while.

So long as they aren't trying to carry on without integral members, I'm in. I'm looking at you, INXS, The Cars, Alice in Chains, and, as we covered extensively, The Beach Boys. You don't see incomplete, rather phony versions of The Beatles, The Clash, Queen, Nirvana, The Ramones, or The Jackson 5 touring these days, thank the Lord. Come on. The dudes are dead.

Among the inane conversations Rob and I have had after many a beverage, some time ago we threw out there a number of bands we'd like to see re-group for a tour. Since that time, a handful of them actually have. I'm still holding out for The Kinks, Talking Heads, Uncle Tupelo, The Replacements (minus dead Bob), The Jam, The Smiths, R.E.M. (playing old stuff with Bill Berry back), and even some lesser-knowns -- risking more mockery for rock snobbery again, but oh, well -- like Hoodoo Gurus, Squeeze, the English Beat, and Norfolk's own Waxing Poetics. Oh, and Wham! In some cases, it'll never ever happen, but further estranged bedfellows have gotten under the sheets in the last decade or so. (Note the absence of a potshot there directed at anyone from our sister blog.)

So go catch a newly re-formed older act sometime. Here and there I've been missing some highly publicized tours of KISS, the Sex Pistols, Jane's Addiction, Eagles, etc -- or in some cases, I wouldn't say I've been missing them, Bob. But by and large I've been sucked in like a tractor beam by bands I thought would never get back together.

Like Devo. Who are touring for the first time since 1990 or so, who played at the 9:30 Club in DC on Sunday & Monday night, and whom I saw Sunday.

Devo . . . best known for "Whip It," yellow rubber jumpsuits, and tripod hats. And geekiness galore. If you file acts like They Might Be Giants and Weezer under "geek rock," the genre is pretty much defined by Devo. In 1978, they were five pencil-necked inspirations for the Louis Skolnick character in Revenge of the Nerds. In 2009, they are five fiftysomething, pot-bellied, graying . . . inspirations for Louis Skolnick's dad.

Back then, they also made very good music, and they're still doing it. Sunday night was packed at the 9:30, as full as I've ever seen it. The place was filled with aging nerds in tripod hats, music snobs like myself, and lots of curious sorts. Great stuff.

Three things Devo did that are common downsides to the reunion tour: 1. They played the shortest set I've heard in quite some time. (A little less than an hour.) 2. They're playing the same thing night in and night out, with a few exceptions. 3. They are playing albums in their entirety, meaning other great hits are omitted.

You see, they are promoting the soon-to-be-released deluxe editions of their two biggest albums, so they play two shows in each town on the tour: the first show features their first album played start-to-finish with a 2-song encore, the second show does the same for the other one. I get it, these guys are old and not terribly athletic (see the video below for evidence), so they can't combo it. But after so long, "Whip It," "Freedom of Choice," "That's Good," and a few others should really be played every night. (Sunday night showcased their first album, Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo.)

But even though a few points will be docked for these concert no-no's, it was still a highly worthy trip to the local music saloon. The energy was super-high, they sounded very good, and the old songs do hold up, despite being very much of that era.

Best songs: their cover of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," "Come Back Jonee," "Gut Feeling," "Gates of Steel," and especially the story of the boy with "one chromosome too man-y, "Mongoloid" . . . as seen below in a show a week or two ago.

...and now for something completely deranged. This is Neil Young's "Hey Hey, My My" as performed by Neil and Devo in a bizarre, post-apocalyptic 1982 film called Human Highway (featuring Neil Young, Devo, Dennis Hopper, and Dean Stockwell). Devo are wearing creepy-assed masks and doing weird stuff, per usual. How they crossed paths with Neil Young is anybody's guess, but supposedly this song's inspirations had a lot to do with Neil's shared vision of de-evolution (Devo for short), at least in rock & roll. Weird, wacky stuff.

Neil Young & Devo

Paul | MySpace Video

G:TB Confessional

2009-11-17T14:27:00.007-05:00

Bless me Gheorghe, for I have sinned. I've waited 32 years for my first confession:

1. Over the weekend, I yelled at my 9 month-old for "crying just to piss me off".

2. Sunday night I turned off the TV because the Pats game was "over" with 6 minutes to play. But then last night stayed up to watch the entire Ravens-Browns game because I had Ray Rice on my fantasy team.

3. During the 6:00 AM Monmouth game this morning, I commented to my 2-year old that a referee made a good call and "the player shouldn't get so angry at the referee - he's just doing his job".

4. On the way to work this morning, The Eagles came on the radio...and I didn't change the station.

5. While in line at Starbucks, I told my sales Vice-President, and Carolina fan, that Roy Williams is a good coach...

6. Twice this morning on a conference call I used the phrase, "It is what it is"...and meant it.

7. When a colleague told me today she was volunteering at a home, I asked if it was for "Oldies or Specials"...and still don't really feel bad about it.

8. I don't think Kari Wurher is all that good looking. But kept Vanna White in my masturbatorial roladex filed under "A" from the ages of 11-13.

9. I really didn't give it 110% during lunch time hoops today. I didn't play any help defense, made no attempt to blockout, and, on most posessions, settled for jumpers instead of working for a better shot.

10. I made up at least half of these items to get this post to an even 10.

I'll await your penance...

Off to the Great Armchair in the Sky. RIP, Mr. Ober

2009-11-17T08:26:00.000-05:00

As an adolescent in the late 1980's, I was glued to MTV. They were my pop culture beacon. I think I admired Pauly Shore, I know I didn't think Adam Curry's hair was weird and I loved the young ladies on the screen. From the Go Gos to the girl in the Warrant video that had a piece of cherry pie fall in her crotch to every woman who ever appeared in a Van Halen video. I loved them all. But one special lady stood out. And her name was Kari Wuhrer. She was the gratuitous T&A on the grossly entertaining game show Remote Control. She was only 20 years old and had not yet begun her death spiral into Cinemax late-night films, science fiction flops and horror flicks. She was young and nubile and sorta slutty, and was a pleasant visual contrast to the ugly but hilarious bits by Adam Sandler, Colin Quinn and Denis Leary. She was the Nicole Eggert of MTV. A hot, barely legal woman who peaked before she turned 21 and then slowly slid downhill into the dark side of minor Hollywood fame. And probably got a venereal disease from Scott Baio somewhere along the way.

As we come to terms with Mr. Ober's passing yesterday from a heart attack at the age of 52, let's pause for a moment to reflect on that show, a bizarre snapshot of pop culture from 1987-1990.

(somber pause)

Now let's remember Ms. Wuhrer, before she did this. Or this. Or this. Let's remember her in her barely legal glory. Thank you Ken Ober for helping keep the show together for a few years to allow 13 year-olds from New Jersey to enjoy the Kari Wuhrer era.

I continue to detest the Titans

2009-11-16T12:26:00.005-05:00

Bud Adams clearly read G:TB's Bills/Titans preview. Here's his response.

Note that Frank Wycheck, he who threw the infamous spot pass to Kevin Dyson, is emblazoned below Adams' luxury box. Is there not a more prominent Titan to post on such a prominently placed placard?

Hat tip to Geoff for bringing this to my attention.

JaMarcusian Efforts

2009-11-16T10:55:00.009-05:00

Do the Raiders have a QB coach? If so, he should be fired for his JaMarcusian efforts at teaching JaMarcus Russell how to throw a football. A Google image search for "jamarcus russell throws off his back foot" gives you this:

I never played organized football, but I'm pretty sure that this isn't acceptable form for a Pop Warner QB, let alone an NFL starter. Bend your knees for God's sake.

Do the Raiders have a conditioning coach? If so, he should be fired for his JaMarcusian efforts at getting JaMarcus Russell into shape. The same Google search yielded this gem:

I'm 35, I sit in front of a computer all day, I drink beer often, I eat tons of fried food, and I'm generally out of shape. And I still look like less of a schlub than this guy.

I don't put much stock in QB ratings, but JaMarcus Russell's performance this year is extremely JaMarcusian. His weekly passer ratings are 47.6, 46.0, 22.6, 48.5, 85.4, 68.2, 31.1, 56.8, and 45.8. And that 85.4 gem? A 44-7 loss to the Giants in which JaMarcus went 8/13 for 100 yards, 0 TD and 0 INT. Through 9 games he has 1067 yards, 2 TD, 9 INT, and a 47.1% completion percentage. That's 118.6 yards, 0.22 TD, and 1 INT per game. The guy averages less than a quarter of a TD per game! Amazing. He's on pace for 1897 yards, 3.56 TD, and 16 INT for the year.

Which begs the question, who is worse at his job: JaMarcus, his coach, or his trainer? Is anyone else on earth worse at their job than one of these three guys?

Picks, Dicks and Nicks

2009-11-13T23:03:00.010-05:00

If there is anything that closeted Republicans like more than cock it's black cock. I'm not sure why it works this way, but anything Republicans hate also turns them on like nobody's business. Thus, when Geoff hears Verne Lundquist repeatedly using the words "Urban" and "Cock" this afternoon, he's probably going to have to excuse himself, lest the vision of Steve McNair's cinnabon be too much for him to handle.

Geoff's a pro though, I'm sure he'll just head on down to Reagan National for a little men's room two-step. Hey...everybody's got their own way of dealing with their personal issues. TJ double fists bacon cheeseburgers, Whitney brags about his drinking escapades, Rob makes delicious cookies with some of his friends from inside a tree and...Geoff lets young black men have their way with him. To each their own.

Iowa (+13) @ Ohio State: I don't like the thought of Ohio State in the Rose Bowl any more than the next guy, but I'd rather see that than have to watch Iowa get rolled by 4 TDs in Pasadena late on New Year's Day. Anyone remember what the Rose Bowl was like a couple years ago when Illinois played USC? Yeah, well, that game's a barn burner in comparison to what would happen to Iowa against Oregon or USC. Iowa's not good. Not even close. They've almost lost to the likes Northern Iowa and Indiana...and last week they lost to Northwestern. Now, I don't think Ohio State is very good either but they have better athletes and a deeper team than Iowa, and its not even close. Ohio State wins comfortably, Terelle Pryor throws for less than 150 yards and completes under 50% of his passes.

Florida State (+6) @ Wake Forest: Wake Forest absolutely has Bobby Bowden's number. Which is a good thing because Bobby lost his number and can't find his keys. It'd be extremely helpful if somebody at Wake could call Bobby's wife and have her come and pick him up. He's overdue for his early afternoon pre-nap nap. This week the national media has made a big deal of Bowden not knowing the score of last week's FSU-Clemson game late in the 4th quarter or whether or not the Noles actually even took the lead back from Clemson in the 4th quarter. The people who find this remarkable have clearly never seen Bowden's Sunday morning postgame show. Bowden's been stumbling through that thing since I was 10. He never knows anyone's name, save for maybe his QB. He can't describe the plays accurately and generally stumbles around until Gene Deckeroff just decides to start narrating plays and identifying players with Bowden occasionally chiming in to tell you that a certain player's Mom makes a great sweet potato pie or that he just crapped in his depends. People...Bowden's been a complete and total trainwreck for years. He doesn't know the gameplan, he doesn't know his players and he doesn't know where he's at half the time. I'll tell you what he does know though...FSU's not beating Wake.

Alabama (-14) @ Mississippi State: Did you hear the latest SEC rumor? Nick Saban paid those freshman at Tennessee to commit armed robbery this past week. Yeah, that's the word flying around SEC message boards. You know what's not a rumor...When Saban rapes the little Thai boys he keeps in his basement, he does it while wearing nothing but his straw Alabama hat...but he makes the boys wear houndstooth hats. Nick Saban is sick fucking puppy, folks. Mississippi State's going to keep this close deep into the 4th quarter but much like those little Thai boys they'll still end up under Nick Saban covered in their own blood and Nick's feces. Bulldogs cover, Bama wins.

Florida (-15) @ South Carolina: To borrow a phrase from Orson Swindle, this is a matchup between "the nation's grumpiest 9-0 fanbase versus the coach who first allowed them to be the nation's grumpiest 9-0 fanbase". He's right, Florida fans are insufferable right now. Go to any Gator message board and all you'll read are posts asking (or in many cases telling) what's wrong with the offense, and often, the team in general. Now, I'm not in love with this team like I was last year's but at some point it gets to be a bit much when every single win is followed by a couple pages of angry posts asking for the OC to be fired or changes to the OLine or begging Tebow to go out and get laid, if only to "relieve the pressure".

As for this game, it worries me. I worries me deeply, in places I don't like to talk about at cocktail parties. You see, its easy to think about the last two times these teams have played each other and surmise that this is going to be a blowout. However, that would be shortsighted and naive.

The first two times these coaches took each other on, the games ended up changing the course of the each Gator season and, in both cases, the direction of the football program as a whole. We all remember the blocked FG from 2006 (most stressful game EVER) that propelled Florida to an SEC title and, eventually, the National Championship.

However, many people don't know the full story about the first time Meyer and Spurrier faced each other in Columbia. Florida lost to South Carolina that day, and it was ugly. Anemic offense, soft defense and sloppy play on special teams all contributed to an embarrassing loss in Columbia that day. However, what transpired afterward forever changed the face of the Florida program under Urban Meyer. There was what Meyer calls a "come to Jesus" meeting on the plane as it sat on the tarmac in Gainesville late that Saturday afternoon. The meeting lasted a couple hours and at the end of it some players were demoted from starting positions, other players were kicked off the team outright and there were, if the rumors are to be believed, a few punches thrown between various players from opposing factions within the team. As regrettable as some of that may have been, from that point on, Florida's football program has steadily on the rise. A loss today in Columbia certainly wouldn't erase all that progress, but it would severely damage the goals and hopes of a senior led football team that's just finally starting to get everyone healthy. If Florida's going to announce that they're "back" to the rest of the nation, today would be a good time to do it. I'd like to see that, but I'm not betting on it. Not with South Carolina's pass rush (and not with Carlos Dunlap and Jermaine Cunningham both recovering from ankle injuries...seriously though, everyone else is pretty healthy...I swear). Carolina covers.

Official Mid-November G:TB College Football (D)opus

2009-11-13T14:55:00.003-05:00

If it's mid-November, it's time to wallow in NCAA Football's annual fizzle to the finish. If college football is the second biggest sports league going (with the NFL being first), it's amazing how it can get away ending so badly every year. Computers, whiny coaches, whiny reporters, whiny schools, ignorant pollsters, blah-fucking-blah. If you're like me, you end up rooting for outcomes that create a debate-free conclusion to the season because you're so fed up with the nonsense. Ever since Penn State got jobbed in 1994, I've loathed the ambiguity of each season's climax. Of course, if you're really like me, you also like foreign objects in your rectum. But that's a story for another time.

So the New Jersey branch of G:TB thought we would look at the remaining schedules of the undefeated teams and opine on a likely national champion. Much to our chagrin, we didn't land on Rutgers.

So what do we have here? We have a lot of teams in the hunt with odd non-conference games late in the season. Florida vs. FIU? Alabama vs. Chattanooga? Cincy vs. Illinois? Those first two match-ups suck. I want trap games, heated rivalries and potential pitfalls. Not pastings of chumps. I like the Illinois game as a spoiler. But then again, I also like eating Campbell's Tomato with Rice soup out of the can with a spoon, like tomato jello. It's good and it's cheap and it only involves one thing to wash. Besides these crappy games, we have a few potential spoilers. The match-ups favor a Texas-Florida finale, but it ain't that simple. Let's see how the teams line up.

#1 - Florida:
11/14: @ South Carolina
11/21: FIU (is this a real school?)'
11/28: Florida State
12/5: Alabama (SEC Championship)

Undefeated Season Chances: Gators will destroy a demoralized group of cocks and whoop it up on FIU and FSU, bringing them undefeated into the SEC Championship. Many people think it's a toss-up between the Gators and the Crimson Tide. But the non-Floridian contingent among the executive staff here thinks that Tide will roll pretty handily over the Gators in Atlanta, if only because we like Bama's uniforms more. We would give the Gators better odds, but Gator Nation still needs to prove that Tebow can walk on water, as has been rumored in Gainesville.

#2 - Texas:
11/14: @ Baylor
11/21: Kansas
11/26: @ Texas A&M
12/5: Big 12 Championship?

Undefeated Season Chances: Strong, to very strong, just like this guy's portfolio. We would've liked Kansas more as an upset option if it hadn't shat the bed so ferociously the last six weeks. Four straight losses is atrocious. Rock. Chalk. Suck balls. So Texas will sail past a shit sandwich Huskers or Wildcats squad into the national championship, allowing us more shots of Colt's lady-friend, like the one above. And the one below. But we'll also get more shots of Mack Brown and those ass-brown uniforms. Any shots of Mack Brown is too much.

Alabama:
11/14: @ Mississippi State
11/21: Chattanooga
11/27: @ Auburn
12/5: Florida (SEC Championship)
Undefeated Season Chances: See above.

Undefeated Season Chances: We don't like the Tide to make it through this gauntlet, easy as it may appear. We have pulled out our Sharpies and circled the Black Friday game against Auburn. The Tigers had a 3-game whiff in mid-October, but are back on track after a nail-biter against Furman. We think the Tigers will knock off Georgia this weekend and scheme up a plan to put Alabama on their ass the day after Thanksgiving. You heard it here first.

TCU:
11/14: Utah
11/21: @ Wyoming
11/28: New Mexico

Undefeated Season Chances: We think TCU will get caught by the 25 year-old Utahns this weekend. The ghost of Moroni will haunt the Christian heathens from Texas. And who can root for a Horned Frog, anyway?

Cincinnati:
11/13: West Virginia
11/27: Illinois
12/5: @ Pitt

Undefeated Season Chances: We don't see the Bearcats getting through this interesting stretch, even if Dave Wannstedt's face figures prominently in one of them. The Tony Pike vs. Zach Collaros debate will become more of a distraction than the new-to-the-big-time-Bearcats can take. Too bad Bob Huggins isn't around to do something gross and unethical to attract attention. Again. Cincy goes down at Pitt in December, and they may go down to our favorite water-skiing coach in November.

Boise State:
11/14: Idaho
11/20: @ Utah State
11/27: Nevada
12/5: New Mexico State

Undefeated Season Chances: Strong, even though they no longer have Ian Johnson in the lineup. How old is this guy? I feel like he played there all decade? Unfortunately, we don't see an undefeated Boise squad cracking into the top two slots. They seem destined to be this year's undefeated "small" conference team to play in a BCS bowl. But let's be honest here. One win over a decent Oregon squad can only carry them so far. The rest of their victories are against a motley crew of chump squads (Tulsa, Miami of Ohio, Bowling Green, Cal-Davis, etc.). Inconvenience for you, I'm sorry. Don't overlook the Nevada game on 11/27. Both teams are undefeated in conference play, and the game could be for all the WAC marbles.

Conclusion:
So, if you've done the math here, you'll see an undefeated Texas team facing off against a one-loss Alabama team for the title, and you'll watch it on a terrible Fox broadcast because they think you can buy the rights and hire Barry Switzer and everything will be great. No it won't. The coverage will suck. Like it always does. Florida will be pissed because they have a higher quality loss than Alabama, but nobody will care because Urban Meyer is a smarmy jackass hiding behind a thin veil of benevolence.

Happy watching, gents. Here's one more shot of Ms. Glandorf for you folks. You've seen it before, but there's nothing wrong with seeing it again.

CAA Action -- It's . . . not bad

2009-11-13T07:09:00.000-05:00

Well, good friends, it's that time of year again. It's time for the cagers to reach for that initial tip, whatever that means. It's November -- turkey time in America, and for a generation or two there have been few bigger turkeys than the College of William & Mary's men's basketball program. The last few years, however, have been a period of aberration, the occasional blip on the radar when the Tribe men's hoops program emerges from the muck and reaches plateaus of competence, even aptitude. Okay, it was one very good year in 2008, and then last year they were back to 10-20 and suck a-plenty.

Tonight kicks off the 2009-10 season for the green and gold, and what better way to do it than with a patty-cake opponent like . . . UConn? Really? Well, it's Friday the 13th, so maybe anything can happen. (It can't.)

But this nearly-annual Tribe futility has only been happening since the early 80's. In 1983, the first year of the Colonial Athletic Association (though it was still called the ECAC South for two years), the William & Mary Indians swept the regular season and . . . lost in the championship tourney final. Unfortunately, William & Mary men's hoops would find itself in the same company as Kajagoogoo, SMU, Richard Chamberlain, Vanessa Williams, Ralph Sampson, UVA men's basketball, "Remington Steele," Sally Ride, the USFL, "Manimal," the DeLorean, and Dexy's Midnight Runners: the successes of 1983 would be fleeting and followed by a quick, long slide downhill into the abyss.

Long before then, however, the College of William & Mary in Virginia was something of a basketball factory. Okay, well, the College could at least compete -- to wit, the all-time NCAA single-game rebound champion is Bill Chambers, William & Mary Indian. Chambers had 53 rebounds on Valentine's Day, 1953. (It's rumored he nailed his ex-girlfriend's sister that night for #54.) This feat has always been a conversation piece for W&M students and alums; if you're at all familiar with Tribe athletics, you know Bill Chambers' claim to fame.

But it raised a question for me: why do we all know his name, but very, very few of us know Jeff Cohen's? Cohen's career mark of 2000 pts/1500 rebs is far more impressive than a one-night performance . . . Is it because Chambers later coached at his alma mater (presumably inflating his own legend by making sure the undergrads knew of the feat)? Is it because he did it against UVA? I don't know. I think it comes down to two things: (1) William & Mary athletes are so very rarely #1 in anything ("Thriller" does NOT count), and (2) no matter how stat-geeky the College's grads are, they still can be wooed by one night of (probably contrived) glory.

Here's the thing, though: Jeff Cohen deserves his due. I just looked this up, and here are every one of the players with 2,000 points and 1,500 boards in their NCAA careers:

Tim Duncan, Wake Forest
Malik Rose, Drexel
Derrick Coleman, Syracuse
Ralph Sampson, UVA
Elvin Hayes, Houston
Jeff Cohen, your College of William & Mary Indians
Elgin Baylor, Seattle
Joe Holup, GWU
Dickie Hemric, Wake Forest
Tom Gola, LaSalle

Pretty amazing company. (Joe Holup's name evokes chills, yes.) I know the pre-1973 game was different -- someone smarter than I can explain how -- but they didn't asterisk Roger Maris for having 8 more games. And like I alluded to, Top 10 in anything for the Tribesters is huge. Jeff Cohen should be a household name. (A W&M fraternity household, that is.)

* * * * *

Did You Know???
Chuck Swenson, who coached the Tribe from 1987-1994, holds the record for lowest career winning percentage for W&M coaches (.316) since Samuel Hubbard went 4-9 in the peach basket era (1916-1917). His in-conference work was even worse; his 27-71 (.275) mark is unfathomable in modern college sports, perhaps the DiMaggio 56-untouchable record of Tribe basketball. Swenson, like G:TB founder Rob, stands about 5'3". I'm just saying.

Surprisingly, however, Tony Shaver, whom we all seem to continually appreciate at the helm, is in the conversation. His Tribe teams are 65-113 (.367) overall, 33-76 (.302) in-conference. He's one cellar-dwelling year before it's neck-and-neck for the all-time dishonor. Let's hope against hope that it doesn't happen.

* * * * *

Did You Know??? Part 2
Hubie Brown was an assistant coach at William & Mary in 1968. Yep, Hubie Brown.

Greek Week at G:TB

2009-11-12T07:59:00.024-05:00

I hate the Titans more than any NFL team. I hate their flaming logo. I hate Jeff Fisher’s hick mustache/mullet combo and the inordinate amount of respect he gets despite having a 0.544 career record. I hate watching the ugly brand of football they’ve played for the past dozen years. I hated Jevon Kearse in his first stint with the Titans. I hated all the undue media fellation bestowed unto Steve McNair with his 6.9 ypa and Eddie George with his 3.6 ypc. I hate Derrick Mason, the worst 10,000 yard receiver of all time.

But my hatred for the Titans was truly born on January 8, 1999, the day when that which the mainstream media and other peckerless douchewads refer to as the “Music City Miracle” occurred. I freely admit that this hatred is stupid. Completely irrational. It’s just a game. The Bills couldn’t have won it all. The Titans are a bland franchise without a storied history, completely unworthy of my disdain. But I can’t shake it. I hated Bud Adams’ postgame comment that he had never seen anything like the “Home Run Throwback” play before. (Which is total horseshit. Unit M’s A-side intramural team ran that play in 1996. The Redskins ran it with Desmond Howard and Darrell Green, too.) I hate watching replays of that spot pass. It’s like the Zapruder film, you can’t really tell what happened. It always, and rightfully, appears on “Top 10” lists. And I know I’ll have to watch it multiple times before this weekend’s Bills/Titans tilt.

The team that plays in Tennessee doesn’t deserve to be called the Titans. To make my case I need to enlist the aid of Thomas Bulfinch, a Harvard-educated accountant who lived in Boston in the nineteenth century. In his free time, he summarized classic stories “in simple, condensed form for young or busy readers.” Kind of like what we do here at G:TB. Bulfinch’s most famous work, “Bulfinch’s Mythology,” was given to me by my grandmother when I was about 8 years old. Today I turn to this tome to take Tennessee’s Titans to task.

The Titans were a race of gods who begat, and were eventually overthrown by, Zeus and the rest of the Olympian gods. Jupiter ate all of his children, except for Zeus, who later tricked Jupiter into vomiting them up. Ripshit from exposure to digestive juices, Jupiter’s children got medieval on his ass and imprisoned Jupiter and the rest of the Titans in Tartarus. Homer said Tartarus was as far beneath Hades as Hades is beneath the earth. And from what Bulfinch has to say, being in Tartarus sucks. Thus being a Titan sucks.

The Houston Oilers were an original AFL franchise that was eventually overthrown and subsumed by the NFL. Then they were relocated to Tennessee, which sounds a lot like being banished to Tartarus to me, and renamed the Titans. But is this franchise sufficiently miserable to warrant the Titans moniker? I think not. The Titans have not experienced nearly enough suffering to qualify for Titan status. They should be stripped of the name and henceforth called something more fitting, like the Yokels, Bumpkins, Hillbillies or Inbreds.

But who has the right to bear the Titan burden?

There were a bunch of Titans, according to Bulfinch. The most famous one is probably Prometheus. He and his brother Epimetheus (but not his buddy Epididymis) were tasked with making man and animals, and providing them with various faculties like claws, strength, wings, and so on. Epi screwed up and gave all the faculties out to the animals without saving any for man. So Prometheus gave man fire. Apparently he wasn’t supposed to, and, as you probably know, he was punished by being chained to a rock where a bird would peck out his liver every day, and it would grow back every night only to have the whole bird pecking thing happen again. What you probably don’t know is that Prometheus knew some secret that would have gotten him off the rock, but he refused to drop a dime on his boy Jove (the stop snitchin’ movement started early) and he remains on the rock to this day. According to Bulfinch, “He has therefore become the symbol of magnanimous endurance of unmerited suffering, and strength of will resisting oppression.”

Sounds like the Bills to me.

Prometheus gave us more than fire. Pandora, the world’s first woman, was created to tell you about new music you like . . . er, rather to punish Prometheus and mankind for the fire incident. So without Prometheus we would be sitting around in the dark and not getting laid. Kind of like the Wheelhouse staff.

Pandora had a box (yeah she did!) that she wasn’t supposed to open. But she was a woman, and G:TB readers know that women never listen, so it’s no surprise that she opened it and all sorts of miserable shit poured out. Kind of like when Ralph Wilson opens his mouth at a press conference to announce a new coach. All that remained in Pandora’s box, much like a Bills fan’s heart, was hope.

But the Bills don’t deserve to be called Titans.

The Tennessee Titans are not the first Titans. There were the aforementioned Tartarus Titans, of course, but also the New York Titans, who later became the New York Je(s)ts. TR has previously summarized Jets misery in this space. The Titan name is more fitting for them than for Tennessee. Like the Titans of Greek lore, they briefly ruled the league (1969, clicks), and were then banished to the football version of Tartarus, losing games and sucking balls for eternity. Not only are they banished to a stretch of swamp off the Turnpike, said stretch is named for their cross-town rivals. And their fans are “the symbol of magnanimous endurance of unmerited suffering, and strength of will resisting oppression.” Tommy Bulfinch would approve.

The Bills are no Titans. Unlike the Jets, the Bills never ruled. They never had an ignominious fall from deity. They were never stripped of godhood. They were always merely mortal.

The Bills could be Tantalus – fulfillment is within sight, but perpetually out of reach. Rooting for the Bills is a lot like rooting for Sisyphus. You know they’re destined lose in the end and hoping for success is pure futility. Ixion was fucking bumming too. He was chained to a spinning, flaming wheel and had to constantly yell “You should show gratitude to your benefactor!” But these comparisons aren’t quite right.

The Bills are like Tityus. He was a giant, but not a Titan. He also tried to assault some goddess so he was given the same punishment as Prometheus. The thing with the birds eating his perpetually regenerating liver – that’s the analogy I’m making to the Bills, not the business with the assault. O.J. is a killer, not a rapist.

When the Bills move to Toronto in a few years, they have to drop the Bills mascot. It makes no sense outside of Buffalo. Hopefully they’ll read G:TB and rechristen the team the Tityuses, or even better, the Tityii. We shall see.

This is supposed to be a preview of a football game, not a classics lesson. So here’s some incisive analysis.

The Inbreds welcome the Tityii to Doublewide Stadium with open arms and a gap-toothed smile. They have the league’s #2 rushing offense. Inbred RB Chris Johnson leads the league with 959 rushing yards, averaging an insane 6.7 yards per carry. He’s apparently the fastest guy in the league. The Tityii run defense is as impotent as Raffie Palmeiro, giving up more total yards on the ground than any other team in the league. Opponents average 173.6 yards per game on the season, 209.8 yards per game in their past 6 outings. Their Barry Sandersesque 5.1 ypc against is the 14th worst ypc against in NFL history. Let me say that again. The 14th worst yards per carry against IN THE HISTORY OF THE EN EFF FUCKING ELL. They give it up like Ashley Dupre.

John Fox should have been fired on the spot the second he allowed Jake Delhomme to throw a single pass against the Tityii. Jeff Fisher may be an Inbred coach, but he won’t screw this up. The only way he can lose is if he puts Chris Johnson on the bench. Because every time Johnson touches the ball he’ll score. I guarantee Johnson has a historic performance on Sunday, barring injury. Three hundred yards is not out of the question. I’m not kidding. The Tityii gave up 210 yards to 31-year-old Thomas Jones. You don’t think Chris Johnson can top that? Hell (Tartarus?), Johnson could get 200 yards with Vince Young chipping in another 100 yards rushing … by the end of the 3rd quarter.

The Inbreds have the worst pass defense in the league, statistically, but I don’t buy it. They played the Steelers, Texans, Colts, and Pats. That skews their numbers a bit. Ryan Fitzpatrick will never be mistaken for Roethlisberger, Schaub, Peyton, or Brady. The Tityii couldn’t score at will through the air against Mount Saint Mary’s girls quadriplegic team. And the Inbreds are fair to middling against the run. This will be ugly.

Final score: Inbreds 38, Tityii 10

In Like Flynn

2009-11-11T11:45:00.001-05:00

For those of you Tri-State area residents who enjoy drinking in bars, who like gadgets and iPhone apps, and who aren't too proud to go somewhere just for a free drink, this is exceptionally cool.

For those of you who knew our late, great, hard-partying, beer-swilling, bar-dwelling, "technology is best used to enhance drinking"-espousing, fine friend Flynn . . . well, this is almost eerie. When I'm gone, look for similar signs that I'm somewhere beyond the grave still doing what I do and messing with you guys all the way.

Here's the website as well.

Salute

2009-11-11T07:24:00.002-05:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled inane dipshittery for a few moments of real-life, honest to God (Buddha, Mohammed, Bodhisattva…your choice) sober reflection and gratitude.

I’m the son of a U.S. Army officer. I grew up on a series of military bases and towns around the world, places that hummed with the low, steady buzz of discipline and order. I remember watching soldiers on parade during the various ceremonies and drills that characterize active military installations, their instinctive, unspoken camaraderie something I found elusive and comforting at the same time. Not to go full Jessup, but in that atmosphere it's impossible to fail to realize that there really are brave young men manning a post, standing on that wall for you.

I’d find my own faint facsimile of this esprit de corps later as a member of any number of sports teams, but I realized fairly early that my lack of discipline and impolitic disposition disqualified me from military service. Not early enough to stop me from making an ill-fated decision to enter William & Mary’s ROTC program, but pretty damn shortly thereafter. I don’t think I even lasted a semester. I probably still owe the Army money for uniforms.

In a great many ways, I actively resisted the hardness, the discipline, the structure of a military life. And in a great many more ways, I was shaped by it. I probably still don't understand how much.

But I've always been struck by the courage, selflessness, and professionalism of the U.S. Armed Forces. All the moreso today, as the stresses of multi-theater combat test the physical and mental resources of all from the lowliest enlisted men and women to the most celebrated Generals, even at home, as we found out this week. This is one topic about which the goofy bloggers here at G:TB won't crack wise. Unless we're talking about West Point's football uniforms.

To the uniformed men and women in harm's way and elsewhere, thank you and Godspeed on this Veterans Day. Your sacrifice is well and truly noted and appreciated beyond our capability to express it. We'll set politics aside today and close by quoting the President's words, spoken yesterday in honor of those killed and injured at Fort Hood.

I think all of us - every single American - must acknowledge that this generation has more than proved itself the equal of those who have come before.

We need not look to the past for greatness, because it is before our very eyes.
This generation of soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines and Coast Guardsmen have volunteered in a time of certain danger. They are part of the finest fighting force that the world has ever known. They have served tour after tour of duty in distant, different and difficult places. They have stood watch in blinding deserts and on snowy mountains. They have extended the opportunity of self-government to peoples that have suffered tyranny and war. They are man and woman; white, black, and brown; of all faiths and stations - all Americans, serving together to protect our people, while giving others half a world away the chance to lead a better life.

An old bit with a (slightly) new twist

2009-11-10T14:10:00.001-05:00

If anyone has been on google in the last week, I think you know where this post is headed. Today marks the debut of Sesame Street's 40th anniversary season (TR's girl Michelle O is the guest), and as any loyal reader knows, we here at G:TB love the Sesame Street gang. However, it needs to be noted that the epic Bert and Ernie clip has been placed in the sacred Gheorghe Vault at HQ (along with O.J.'s Heisman and the script of the final episode of Lost**), so we had to take a (slightly) different approach today. Here then is our afternoon filler clip honoring Sesame Street...a huge diversion from what we normally do here:

**OK, I have never seen a second of Lost, despite everyone and their mother telling me I had to watch it, it's the greatest show ever, blah blah blah. Whatever. Here's my question for all you Lost diehards out there (of which Dennis and Michael are two of the biggest)...how pissed are you going to be if the rumor I hear most about the series finale is actually true (a rumor even espoused by TGS' own Jenna Maroney) - the island is simply some guy named Hurley's dream? I mean, seriously, you committed years to watching some sort of super spectacular serial and they pull the "it was all just a dream" bullshit. Personally, I would be livid. That dream crap didn't fly with the "Who Killed J.R." bit. Magnum P.I. had the audacity to claim an entire season was just a dream. But this, this would be the biggest c-f of them all, in my humble non-Lost-watching opinion. Good luck with that bullshit.
/end rant

Roger, Roger

2009-11-10T08:18:00.003-05:00

News today that the great Roger Murdock is fighting leukemia. In his own private way, he's kept it quiet for over a year, revealing it now in hopes of helping others. God Bless, Kareem - may you live a long and healthy life. Certainly long enough to do this again:

Lowbrow humor

2009-11-09T13:42:00.006-05:00

I try to bring a little culture to the G:TB table, but once in a while I have to go lowbrow. This is laugh-out-loud funny. Fast-forward to 4:15 if you don't have time to watch the whole thing.

Mark had a rough weekend

2009-11-09T09:05:00.004-05:00

But he learned a valuable lesson from this experience - wait until you stop projectile vomiting to call 9-1-1 about your stolen maryjane:

SALEM, Ore. - Oregon police have charged a man with drunk driving after he called 911 to report his marijuana as stolen but the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting while on the road.

Marion County sheriff's deputies say 21-year-old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, told dispatchers early Tuesday that someone had broken into his truck and stolen cash, a jacket and a small amount of marijuana while he was at a tavern in Salem.

He then called 911 again to complain that deputies had not arrived, but the dispatcher had trouble understanding Hoover because he was driving and stopping several times to vomit.

He was arrested on charges of driving under the influence of intoxicants.

Once again, I'm carrying this team...

2009-11-07T09:44:00.004-05:00

After a 3 week run of complete success, I came crashing back down to earth in the form of a 0-3 record on last week's picks. That would be terrible news and reason for me to be angry, if my 0-3 day hadn't coincided with Florida beating the tar out of Georgia. I've checked it out, its actually impossible for me to be in a bad mood when Florida beats Georgia. I hate the entitled Bulldog fanbase so much that anytime I get to tell them to "go back to their shanties" or to "go home and cry to your wife, er sister" it's guaranteed to be a good day. When I can do that after yet another lame motivational tactic from Mark Richt, well, all the better. (Quick tanget here: Mark Richt isn't loathed nearly enough by Gator fans. He played QB at Miami, was largely responsible for much of FSU's success in the 90s and has been the most successful UGA coach since Vince Dooley, who can eat an entire bag of dicks by the way. I mean, this guy is like the perfect storm of useless, shitbird rival coaches and for whatever reason {I think the reason is Florida owns his sorry bible toting ass} he seems to get a free hate pass from a large segment of the Gator Nation. Well, not me fucko. You suck, you're bland, boring and unoriginal and I hope Willie Martinez impregnates one of your adopted third world daughter with his incompetent seed.)

Well then, that felt good. Onto the picks:

Duke (+7.5) @ North Carolina: When these two get together...the stands are half empty and the fans are talking basketball. Listen, nobody cares about this game outside of the research triangle and nobody ever will. These schools don't have the facilities, tradition or (frankly) the desire to compete at a high level in football and I don't think anyone cares. Just like nobody cares that Geoff is gay and adopted a couple Romanian babies to further fool his Republican colleagues into thinking he "liked girls" and didn't enjoy things like "sucking cock behind clubs on M street on weekends". Don't worry Geoff, your secret's safe with Gheorghe. Carolina wins, but they don't cover.

Oklahoma (-6.5) @ Nebraska: I keep hearing that Bo Pelini has brought the Black shirts back, and I keep thinking, "Who gives a fuck?". Seriously, is there a dumber tradition in college football than the Black shirts? We're tough, we mean business. You know how you can tell? We refuse to wear colorful shirts! We go against our school's natural color scheme!! Yeah, well, you know who else wears a lot of black? Goth kids. Those kids suck and I don't believe I've ever met one who looked even remotely tough. You know what other team wears black despite it not being a part of their school's color scheme? Duke Basketball. Oooooh! Kyle Singler's wearing black. It completely distracts me from the fact that he looks like an alien and, despite being blown by every ACC announcer, has yet to come through in a single big game during his college career. Hey Huskers...why don't you start slapping the field before each defensive series while you're at it? That way we'll really know you mean business. Oklahoma's not as good as last year for a number of reasons (QB, WR, Oline) but they're still much better than Nebraska. Sooners.

Vanderbilt (+35) @ Florida: I'd like to take Florida here, but I can't give 35 points based on one good offensive showing against an undisciplined and porous Georgia defense. If Florida had dropped 41 on, say South Carolina I'd be much more impressed and even pretty likely to say that the Gator offense was back on track. However, since that's not the case. I'm going to take the points and an underrated Vandy squad. Quick note: Keep an eye out (Get it, "eye out"...Brandon Spikes writes all my jokes.) for a couple of freshman who should see extensive playing time today. Xavier Nixon, who I mentioned last week, and Jon Bostic, a true freshman MLB from Miami who's already built like a senior and is said to be the heir apparent to Brandon Spikes at MLB. Gators win, Vandy covers.

Okay, that's it. I'm off to play basketball. I'll throw some pictures in with this post when I get back.

Let's See Skymall Top This

2009-11-06T07:38:00.000-05:00

I'm spending the latter part of the week learning how to capture Federal business (apparently, it involves channeling Sorrell Booke, prostrating oneself before the altar of large systems integrators, and copious amounts of common sense), so I missed yesterday's great rock-and-roll conflagration.

I didn't miss this, though, which rocketed to the top of my Christmas list and comprises my meager contribution to the discussion. Two words: Weezer Snuggie. Like you aren't buying two this morning.

Just Wondering

2009-11-05T08:26:00.004-05:00

The Elephant Man

Robert Johnson

Brian Jones

Jimi Hendrix

Janis Joplin

Jim Morrison

Pigpen McKernan

Jean-Michel Basquiat

Kurt Cobain

Jonathan Brandis

Pat Tillman

New York Yankees?

Our Namesake Selling Sh*t In His Native Land...and Native Tongue

2009-11-04T15:00:00.004-05:00

Zoltan dug this up yesterday, and frankly it's enjoyable enough as is, but since we're an enterprising lot here at G:TB, I first thought I'd take a crack at translating the ad for you our loyal reader. This was the best I could muster:

"Hi there. Are you a large person? Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps? Well, let's face it: Are you FAT? When you go jogging, do you leave pot-holes? When you make love, do you have to give directions? At the zoo, do the elephants throw YOU peanuts? Do you look at a menu and say 'OK'? Well, now, you can eat all you want, because at Gheorghe Muresan's "Tall & Fat" stores, we've got you covered. That's right. Fine woolen, and woolen-blend suits and sport coats, in all the larger sizes - husky, stout, extra-stout, and the new Hindenburg line. And for you ladies we have caftans, muumuus, and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns. Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric. So take it from me, Gheorghe Muresan, if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people."

Then realizing I don't speak a lick of Romanian, I thought to walk a few cubes down and ask one of my colleagues who just happens to be from Romania (and also happens to have the same first name as Mr. Muresan) to take a crack at translating this for us. Here's the ad...the proper translation is beneath the clip:

"I always had a hard time finding something to fit me...

...A suit...
...or shoes...
...Or a car sized for me...

... But I found something sized for me...

The interest rate on Volksbank deposits...

...A supersized interest rate... [ding!]

[show numbers]

[squeeze girl]"

So, there you have it folks...super exciting stuff, eh? Carry on.

Gheorghe: The Yearbook

2009-11-04T00:08:00.006-05:00

Unlike some of your more mainstream, corporate blogs, we at Gheorghe: The Blog – in the vein of our namesake and inspiration – don’t keep you the reader at arm’s length. We speak plainly and conversationally, right down to earth in a language that everybody here can easily understand. Patronizingly so.

We also share of our personal lives in ways many of our counterparts in the ‘sphere do not. You know our bad habits, our flaws, and our shortcomings. Mostly Rob’s, but to some extent, all of ours.

The last link in the chain, the last hook-eye fastener in the corset, if you will, is meeting us. G:TB Summits have been discussed, planned, aborted, and laughed about. We’ll see if it ever happens. With our roster expanding like MLB in the latter half of the 20th century, it could prove logistically difficult.

In lieu of a meet, greet, and get three sheets, we’ve tried in the past to provide you some evidence of what we look like. Today we’re taking that one step further. We’re giving you a glimpse of what we looked like in our embarrassing middle school, high school, and college eras. It takes a brave man to let down his guard and display “the awkward years.” We are those brave men.

With a great deal of help from the clever people at Yearbook Yourself, we’ve uncovered some of our old yearbook pictures. Without further ado,

Gheorghe: The Blog presents:

Gheorghe: The Yearbook

[Click on any of these pictures for a closer look.]

Dave is a good place to start this segment; a couple of us have known him for 20+ years, he’s got a brevity-bound blog of his own where he remains mostly faceless, and let’s face it – Jersey people look funny.

<-- The Gawky Years – who knew to look at the lanky sumbitch back then that he’d top out at 5’8”?

Hair! Dave remains one of the hairiest contributors we've ever seen, but not so much on the head. -->

<-- In the journey of life, Dave’s been to and fro in the road between dweeby and cool. Here he was fro.

The Colonel! Dave’s time in the South brought about many changes in his appearances. To say the least. -->

Mark’s visage has been spotted a few times on Gheorghe’s pages, but never quite like this. There's a reason he goes follicle-less these days, I guess.

<--High and Tight – Later, he’d be less of one but more of the other.

“Lettin’ it all hang out.” Eat your heart out, Danny Bonaduce. -->

<--BMOC – cleaned up and ready for action. Of some kind or other.

Silky smooth! And that was just the shirt. -->

TR has mostly sported the straight-and-narrow look in his life . . . while living something other than that. You can't fool us, dude.

<-- Kent Dorfman’s got nothing on you, TR.

Horn-rimmed glasses? Check. Checked blazer? Check. Virginity? Check. -->

<-- A lot of people feel like when they were in high school, their parents never knew them. TR’s couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.

Ah, the so-don’t-care 90’s. TR fell into the super-cool look that he maintains to this day. --->

Ever wonder what Zoltan, our newest contributor, looks like? No?

<-- The Reverend and Mrs. Zoltan always wanted young Z to look his most dapper!

…but there was rebellion in their midst, and the Z-man looked to be headed astray. -->

<-- Fortunately for everyone, the “Z-cock” rebounded with a new outlook and a new passion for hip-hop, hair spray and good times.

It took a lot of guts for Teejay to okay our research into his yearbooks. A lot of guts. Give the man credit.

<-- Those Latham winters can get mighty cold, but not with a sick turtleneck and a Simba mane!

TJ always did see the world through rose-colored glasses. Some guys are just bright-siders! -->

<-- “What song is it you wanna hear?” “Free Bird!”

So smooth, on the R&B tip! -->

<-- A natural wave, and natural charm!

Which of Rob's high school chums would have suspected he'd be cool enough to found one of the Internet's most savvy blogs? Well, none, in part because they didn't know about the Internet or blogs, but you get the point.

<-- Many don’t know this, but Rob’s first calling was “pudgy milkman.” Didn’t work out.

The Hitler Youth thing didn’t pan out so well, either. -->

<-- There are “awkward years,” and then there is this era.

Rob finally settled into his true comfort zone when he saw his favorite movie, Weird Science! -->

This would all be pretty mean-spirited if I didn't also open the shudders and let you in to my own little world of bad haircuts and getting shot down by the fairer sex. Enjoy.

<--Those were happy times back then.

So misunderstood… by parents, classmates, barbers… -->

<-- Business in the front, party in the back!

And college was a trying time. At least I sort of felt cool one night a year, at the 70’s party. -->

Oh, and we can’t forget about FOGTB Jerry, who also authorized our delving into his past…

<-- Over a decade without a girlfriend? Say it ain't so!

Every kid in central Jersey had this phase at some point. -->

<-- Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you… Oates!!!

And there you have it. Gheorghe: The Early Days of Cool. Oh, but before we go, there are a few other things the archivists dug up. Looks like back in the day some of us were trying to emulate one very bad-assed fellow we all know...