Unpack The U-Haul

Congratulations, Connecticut!

2008-10-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

The Connecticut Supreme Court just ruled gay marriage legal!

Here's the ruling:

We conclude that, in light of the history of pernicious discrimination faced by gay men and lesbians,1 and because the institution of marriage carries with it a status and significance that the newly created classification of civil unions does not embody, the segregation of heterosexual and homosexual couples into separate institutions constitutes a cognizable harm. We also conclude that (1) our state scheme discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation, (2) for the same reasons that classifications predicated on gender are considered quasi-suspect for purposes of the equal protection provisions of the United States constitution, sexual orientation constitutes a quasi-suspect classification for purposes of the equal protection provisions of the state constitution, and, therefore, our statutes discriminating against gay persons are subject to heightened or intermediate judicial scrutiny, and (3) the state has failed to provide sufficient justification for excluding same sex couples from the institution of marriage.

http://www.jud.state.ct.us/external/supapp/Cases/AROcr/CR289/289CR152.pdf

I know Jess and Tina will be *very* excited! Congrats!

nyurf!

2008-10-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

Okay okay okay, we know we know, we're so very very sorry. Ouuuuuuch... there's no need for hitting!!!

We do have an excellent excuse for our absence. No, really. No, seriously.

Over the past two months, Billie & I have been packing, cleaning, moving, carrying, washing, scrubbing, buying furniture, yelling, complaining, spending money, going to school, working, and getting only half the sleep we normally do.

We're exhausted.

We've managed to keep our heads for the most part, but there have been some... sacrifices -- for lack of a better word -- made in exchange for a few more minutes of sleep here and there.

Oh well, I might as well out with it. Our sex life has suffered greatly on account of our combined schedules and stress levels. And it's been damn frustrating.

Heh... frustrating. Get it?

We're trying to balance classes, moving, packing, unpacking, dinner, sleep, bathing (which has become a secondary concern... reminds me of college), and working at our shitty, stressful jobs. My mind has uttered the phrase "Woman, let me SLEEP!" a few times since this project began.

Unfortunately, my lovely wife and I have a disconnect as far as sexual desire goes, and it was even more exaggerated than usual since this started. I came into this relationship thinking I needed sex OMG ALL THE TIME NOW PLEASE, when in actuality, I might be a 2-3 times a week kind of person. My dearest wife has more, how do you say, fire in her pants, than I do, it seems.

Before the move started, we had developed and worked on a variety of ways of handling our differences in this area. These tools worked well, and both of us felt good about our relationship and our level of intimacy. But when life started getting harder and more stressful, those fell by the wayside and we weren't able to handle these new circumstances as well.

I can't speak for Billie, but my life has never been that stressful. Besides crunch time when I have multiple papers due, upcoming finals or other academic stresses, I live a happy-go-lucky, easy-breezy life. This all means that I don't know how to handle stress in a constructive, positive way, and I know that it kept me from being able to mellow out enough to want sex. I was either too wound up or too tired. It made me feel terrible when I knew she wanted to be with me, and I was so tired that even thinking about it made me even more exhausted. However, we've talked it out a few times, and I've stopped allowing my guilt to eat away at me. After all, it doesn't do me any good to punish myself over and over again for something we are actually making progress on! I've seen first-hand that if I allow myself to wallow in the negatives, it's impossible to see the positives in a situation. Even a painful, annoying, irritating set of circumstances has a positive side. All you need to do is have the clarity of mind to see it.

What I think we've learned from this experience is that we have to handle intimacy differently during stressful times. One way is that we might go to bed earlier than we need to, both for some much needed rest, and for plenty of touching and skin-to-skin contact. It's a way to combine the need for cuddles with the need for relaxation. Even spending fifteen or twenty minutes together like this can make up for a whole day (or half a day, depending on how many bookcases were involved) of crap. Another way might be to take advantage of shorter moments of calm, like making out in the kitchen while the water starts to boil.

Now that things are starting to settle down, we're getting our relationship back on track. Our room is starting to look good, all our furniture matches, we got a new bookcase, we have a lovely duvet cover and I'm installing shelves as soon as I can get my hands on a drill. I feel like getting our space finally in order will finally remove the last of the negative emotions, and we can wake up in love with each other and with life, and not cringing at the thought of the day to follow.

I hope everyone's been well while we've been away!

quick update

2008-08-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all!

So I promised we'd be back in a month... we almost made it. I hope this entry finds you all well. Life is ridiculously crazy for us right now; since we're doing everything ass backwards, we had our engagement parties (one for the friends; one for the family) this month, we've been slowly moving me into Jessie's place, cooking, driving around, celebrating anniversaries, partying, drinking, working like hell and having lots of newlywed sex.

Married life has been divine. I don't see what all the complaining is about! I mean, Jess and I have our little squabbles too, but isn't that to be expected? Things seem to be less trying when you have a relationship built on open communication and compassion, and when you can't keep your hands off of your spouse. Of course, I might be singing another tune in 20 years when Jess wants to have sex and I reply with, "I have a headache. Go read a book." (Assuming books are still around in 20 years.) Until then, I will basque in the big, dreamy rainbow that is our nauseating newlywed love.

[[Sidebar]] But since we're newlyweds (I love that word), I'm sure we have a ton yet to learn. So let's hear what you guys have to say! What do you think makes for a healthy, happy marriage, or long-term relationship?

I'm posting this from work, which officially started 5 minutes ago, so I'm gonna need to make this short. But I'm excited to be back! Yay blogging!

epic fail

2008-07-11T08:13:00.001-07:00

I think it's safe to say that Jessie & I fail at blogging. We've taken a huge step recently and right now we're going at full speed. I barely have time to think these days, it seems. So in saying that, I think it'd be better to *officially* say we're taking a short break from blogging. Nothing more than a month, I'm sure. We've got a lot of sorting out and moving to do, parties to plan and arrangements to make, and hopefully it'll go quickly so we can get back to this place, and you guys.

See you in a month!!

Love,

Billie

A sexy note to self

2008-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Note to self:

It's WAY easier to wield the strap on wearing boxer briefs and threading it through the fly.

Also, sexing on the floor is a good idea since it's harder to slip on carpet than on the bed.

Picture show and exciting updates!

2008-06-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Hi dear readers, since you all got it right last week, yes, the picture was indeed of Birkenstocks. It was so easy that I can only offer a moderate level of admiration and respect. Since it's not Wednesday, I won't post a picture today, you'll have to wait until next week!

I'm eternally sorry that we're late getting this update to you, but Billie and I were busy Tuesday getting married along with the rest of gaydom. Yes, that's right, we're now legally married in the state of California.

On Monday, June 16th, after work, I picked up Billie from her office and we hiked up to Norwalk, where they were issuing licenses and performing first-come first-serve civil ceremonies. Thinking that there would surely be a huge line, we were ready to get in line at about 7:00, but no one was there! So we asked the cop about camping out, and he said that it was fine, and that Norwalk was expecting about 10,000 people to be in line on Tuesday.

TEN THOUSAND?! HOLY CRAP.*

Billie and I looked at each other with a bit of terror, and even more resolution in our eyes. So, since nothing seemed to be going on at the civic center, we went to the movies to see The Incredible Hulk. I thought it was incredible, Billie fell asleep half way through.** We went BACK to the civic center, and still, no one was there, so we decided to go to Target to get snacks and playing cards and set up camp.

You know how there are different kinds of lesbians? Camping lesbians, artsy lesbians, scenester lesbians, raging feminist lesbians, grad student lesbians? Turns out Billie and I aren't the camping kind. We only brought one blanket and no pillows, though we did have a couple of beach chairs and Billie's ipod speaker to keep us happy.

After a bitterly cold night of dodging sprinklers and sleeping on the hard ground, the reporters started showing up at around 5:00am. This is where it gets funny, I promise!

Here are the reporters. You can see how it's still dark outside.

Now, Billie and I are having a grand ole' traditional ceremony with flowers, girls to scatter the flowers, cake, dancing and all that stuff. However, it was important for us to be a part of this super-special day and secure our rights. We wanted to keep it on the down-low, though, so that our respective familys would get more excited about the big ceremony without knowing that we were already married. Getting married incognito was not in our stars this day. Since we got there so damned early, we were first in line, and therefore, first to recieve the attention of every. single. reporter. on the scene.

Here's me getting interviewed for the 7,450th time.*** This particular guy was a bit pushy.

We eventually were featured in the following newspapers, tv shows, radio shows and magazines:
LA Times (both newspaper and website), La Opinion, The Whittier Daily News, the Pasadena paper, Japan Today, The Long Beach Press Telegram, The Concord Monitor, MSNBC.com, SGV Tribune, channels 7, 4, 11, and 5, NPR and KNX News Radio.

Being first in line got us all kinds of extra bonuses, though it was still frustrating as the system of lines, stations and procedures Norwalk set up to manage the influx of homos wasn't quite working. We finally got our marriage license (with Party A and Party B designations), and were ushered down to the tents they set up to have the civil ceremony performed.

Here we are exchanging vows.**** I think I promised to love, honor and respect Billie for as long as we both shall live, but what I remember most is my heart pounding in my chest, and looking into her eyes for peace and calm after an amazingly hectic and crazy day. The guy marrying us is Dean Logan, Acting Registrar Recorder for the county, and our witness's name was Elizabeth, and she was so sweet and so excited for us.

Her parting words were that marriage "Takes work every day, but it's so worth it. Good luck."

The point of this blog initially was to offer up Do's and Don'ts in a lesbian relationship, but now, I think we'll be including snippets of the every-day-work that it will take to make our marriage successful, happy and long.

*The number ended up being far, far less.
**She's so cute when she's sleeping!
*** That used to be my official First Date Shirt, but now it's my Get Married and Go To A Funeral in The Same Day Shirt.
**** My ass looks good in this picture!

ring ring, is that you on the phone?

2008-06-13T07:46:00.000-07:00

I would've posted this sooner but we were too busy telling everyone else we know!

As of June 11, 2008, Jessie & I are officially engaged!

Yessir, we are tying the knot.

In keeping with the theme of our blog, I'll finish the post with a Tip: When proposing to your girlfriend/partner, there should be only one requirement: ask whenever it feels right. And go all out on the Cheese. Profess your love to her. Tell her you want this forever. Hold her really tight. And when she says yes, don't hold back. Tell the whole world how much you love her.

Also, a champagne toast and hot hot sex should always ensue.

Champagne Dream, courtesy of Belmont Brewery Company in Long Beach, CA. Do try!

Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show

2008-06-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Leo MacCool, winner of the second installment of our Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show!

Yes, ladies and... er... ladies, Leo hit the nail on the head with her guess: the Subaru logo.

For what is a lesbian without a Subaru?

...ok, so neither Jessie nor I own one, but if we had the money, best believe we would be all up in that Forester. And we would take it on all of our camping/hiking/road-tripping/protesting/other-lesbian-like excursions.

Thanks, Leo, for reading le blog and for being a good sport. :)

This week's picture show features nothing other than:

Have fun!

just stand there and look pretty

2008-06-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

As a small addendum to Jessie's post on being a butch woman, let me just say this: I am so very glad I have one. Why? Well, simply put, there's just no way I could do this myself:

Aside from having someone to carry the "heavy things" and having some sort of extra protection when we walk around at night, I also have the privilege of standing there and looking pretty while my girlfriend fixes my flat tire.

This has actually happened three times since we've been together (and again yesterday), and each time, I've gotten to do the driving, standing and handing-things-to while Jess pops lug nuts off of my car.

Girls, go get yourselves one.

Being the "guy" in the relationship

2008-06-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

I own no bras. I wear undershirts. I love my hair product. I rejoice when I find pants with a 30-inch inseam in the men's section of Target. My mother shakes her head in disappointment everytime she sees me. Waiters always hand me the check and the wine list, and mechanics always ask me "So where do you get your work done?" when we take Billie's car in for repairs.

I'm butch. Butch for SoCal, anyway. I've been told there are different levels...or something. I don't have any work boots, but I have many polo shirts. And right now, I'm going to take this time to reflect on being a masculine woman, what it means to me, and what it seems to mean to others.

I think one of the big misconceptions some people have is that in a relationship that involves two women, where one is butch, that the butch one wants to be a man, and that the other woman wishes she was with a man. While I don't get mistaken for a guy very often anymore*, I purposefully do everything in my power to diminish my feminine qualities. This however doesn't mean I'm not a woman. I think it calls for a redefinition of what it means to be a woman, beyond simply having feminine features and characteristics.** I'm not going to propose a redefinition right now, but I might say that the things that make me a woman include my cooperative, often passive, attitude. I'm rarely aggressive and dominant (outside of the bedroom). I love to cook and provide for people.***

I also happen to really like my vagina and all its parts. I've never equated my own womanhood with my ability (presumed ability, I've never tried it out) to have children. Maybe it's because I knew from an early age that I wouldn't be involved in the whole baby thing. Maybe it's because being able to have kids seems like a small part of a person's overall potential as a human being. In any case, I don't recall ever having the urge to procreate using my own parts.

Though I told Billie that if we wanted kids, and she wasn't able to have them, that I'd do the work, the thought of bearing children makes me uncomfortable in a strange way. It's been a long road, with many battles fought (mostly with my mom, some with myself) to arrive at my current gender presentation. I really like the person I am right now. I have the aspects of masculinity that I like, my hair is finally at the right length, and I like to wear boxers. I felt deeply uncomfortable looking feminine, and it was impossible for me to display my masculine qualities while I was still living with my parents. The resulting compromise between me and my mother resulted in a really unfortunate asexual, genderless appearance, which lead to me getting absolutely no play until I was 19. Somehow, being pregnant seems like it would invalidate all the work I've done to individualize myself and finally reconcile the inner Me and the outer Me.

I will admit, on the other hand, that I'm still terribly insecure, especially about this particular issue, so perhaps by the time me and the girlfriend-future-wifey want kidlets, I'll have the mental fortitude to be able to do that without feeling like I'm defeating myself.

ANYWAY, Billie isn't dating me because she really wants to be with a guy, and I happened to be handy. I don't dress this way because I want to be a man, I just want to be me. In actuality, when I was in college, learning about my butchness (as well as Old English and How Babies Get Made (also known as Bio for Humanities Folks) I had a phase where I considered the possibility that I was transsexual. I'm pretty sure now that this wasn't because I'm actually transsexual (which I'm not) but born more of the fear of being a masculine woman. It was as if changing my sex would somehow validate my gender, and that being a butch woman somehow didn't "work."

According to MY family, anything was better than being a butch woman. Cough.

You know what else I hate? When people ask "So which one of you is 'the dude'"? First of all, you should be able to tell the difference between my inches of hair, and Billie's feet of hair.**** Secondly, you know what else? We're both women, there are no dudes involved, that's kind of The Point.

Another thing I hate: Yes, we use a strap on. No, it's not because either of us is secretly craving penis. Even though my hands are perfectly adept at playing piano, bass, guitar and saxophone, they're a bit dainty. They're good with the g-spot, but can't really deliver that "full" feeling. That's where The Nightstick comes in.

It's been a real task for me to become comfortable with my masculine qualities, and I think I've come out a more confident person at the end of it. I don't know if there will be a journey to rediscover (or discover for the first time) any more feminine qualities I might have, but I don't think it will be for some time. In any instance, I'm perfectly happy with my presentation, clothes, characteristics. The balance of masculine and feminine that makes me me.

I can't think of much else to reflect on right now, so if I think of something, I'll come back and talk to you all more about it.

*See me, junior high - high school.
**I'm not going to take the time to list my masculine attributes, but let's say that they involve my biceps, love for video games and collection of swords.
** Also note that I'm not saying that men do not have these characteristics. I just happen to think that these things make me a woman.
****Yes, that was a joke.

Picture Show answer

2008-06-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Here's the answer for everyone (all three of you) who guessed!

A beard trimmer! Because pubic hair hygiene is important. Congratulations Tina from Tina-cious.com, you win our undying respect and admiration! Maybe we'll have Erasure tickets to give away sometime...

And here's this week's puzzle:

Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show

2008-05-28T12:48:00.001-07:00

Alright, so since Jessie & I have proven to be super boring party poopers lately, we thought we might get a kick out of you. Hows about a game?

Introducing the Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show!!!

What'll happen is that we post an up-close picture of something lesbian-related (No, not pussy), and you guess what it is. Comment with your guesses on the initial post, and then the next Wednesday, we'll post the zoomed out picture. Since we're a new blog, we don't have any prizes yet, so if you win, you'll get our never-ending respect and admiration. Maybe later, we'll have t-shirts or orthopedic braces to give out!

Here's your picture!

Tell us what you think it is!

we're still here!

2008-05-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

We're not dead yet!

I apologize for our absence as of late. Things have been crazy in both our lives lately, so we've found it hard to write when our minds are on so many different things. Jessie just completed another semester at school, I've been working my ass off and ~~pretending to clean~~ organizing the stuff in my new place, and we've both been considering the prospect of getting engaged in light of the latest monumental news, which has taken a considerable amount of time and overall tolerance for stress.

Yes, you heard correctly: Jessie & I are seriously contemplating getting married. But note the big emphasis on contemplating. While we already know without a doubt we're made for each other, we still have only been together a total of 6 1/2 months. 205 days. There's still a lot to think about.

In the meantime, while we're off thinking of things to say, I encourage you all to check out The Lesbian Lifestyle to satisfy all of your lesbian needs.

Happy Memorial Day weekend!

A-ha!

2008-05-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

I should be studying for my final at 5:00, but this is far too exciting.

When I was in high school, in 2000, a friend of mine and I drove around the cities of Murrieta and Temecula, CA, where I hail from, in order to gather signs that said "Save Marriage, Yes on 22." Prop 22 was of course the proposition that defined marriage in the state of California as between a man and a woman. Murrieta and Temecula were heard to breathe a sigh of relief after it was passed, thinking "A-ha! We've finally won! Our state is safe from...uh...loving families and marriages." We strayed into front yards, ran across streets, stopped along major thoroughfares and did everything possible to remove the signs.

We later buried them behind the high school. That land is now a housing tract. I'm sure there was a very confused construction worker who has me and my friend to thank for that.

BITCHES! Today, the California Supreme Court overturned prop 22.

HA. Take that!

This is so utterly exciting. I had more or less become resigned to the fact that legal marriage was an unattainable goal for me, unless I moved to Canada, Massachusetts or South Africa.* This morning, that became a possibility for me. I might have shed a single tear, which, since I'm butch, is the only tear I'm allowed to shed for the next few months.

I'm even more excited about this because I've got someone in my life who I will get to exercise this new right with, if everything goes the way I want. And now, we get to decide when the time is right for us to take that step, not for when the time is right for everyone else.

California, you have maintained your status as Best State in the Union.

*Ya know what? That amazes me. South Africa, that place that used to have APARTHEID. Apartheid. That thing that kept black people and white people from encountering each other. It's even got the word "apart" in it. South-fucking-Africa legalized gay marriage before the land of the free, and home of the brave.

First-date blues

2008-05-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Since she brought it up, I'd like to quickly discuss my and Billie's first date. I think it's important for people to understand that a mediocre first date doesn't necessarily spell the doom of a potential relationship.

Before our first date, we had been talking on the phone and internet for a couple of weeks, so we had gotten most of the small-talk out of the way. By the time we actually met, we actually had topics to talk about. I invited her to this awesome Italian place I know in Fullerton, Roman Cucina. She arrived about half an hour early, if I remember correctly, and I was on time, as usual. All those horrible fires were going on, so the air was super smokey, and I was trying to get over a cold, so I was coughing pretty badly.

Looking back on it, the fires should have been the first omen.

Now, I've been on pleeenty of dates, so I have techniques for keeping myself from getting too nervous or bent out of shape over anything. Sometimes, just admitting that yeah, you're a bit nervous, to the person you're with can help a lot. Why hide it when they're going to know anyway?

So I get there, and damn. She's way hotter in person than in her pictures. She gives me a hug, and she smells good too. Be still my beating heart. Let me just say right now that I have a serious weak spot for long dark hair and big brown eyes, and this girl has BOTH. In spades. Factor in a cute backside, and I'm on board.

Also, I'm nervous. FUCK, am I nervous.

The conversation was decent, I guess. Billie kept getting distracted by the flags and decorations in the restaurant, and I kept getting distracted by rubbing my hands together and staring at my food. I showed her a couple of pictures of my roommates, my sister, and my dog, I think, and she STILL teases me about that.

So, we finish our awkward dinner, and shuffle out the door into the smoke. I think I started coughing at this point.

I'm of the opinion that having some kind of moderately interesting activity is a good thing to have on a date. Art gallery, live music, people watching, anything that lets you be with the person, and have opportunities to discuss any topic at hand. I know of a jazz club nearby, so I causally suggested we go to it, since I know this girl is into music in a BIG way, about as much as I am. I figure, oh-ho-ho, I'll show off my chops by talking jazz to this girl.

Then she says, "Do you like Herbie Hancock?"

Um, yes, of course. Who doesn't?

"Oh, I know him."

Not only does she know him, but she hangs out at his house, her mom is friends with him, and she watched her first DVD ever at his house. Hell, he's practically "Uncle Herbie." Anyway, besides that interlude, conversation remained at an average level.

We eventually decided to leave, and awkwardly walked back to her car, and she gave me a lift to mine. We awkwardly hugged goodbye, and I commented that she smelled really good.

Come on, the girl smells fucking amazing!

She later told me that this sounded like a line I was trying to use on her to get her to kiss me. Frankly, I really wanted her to let me kiss her, but it wasn't in the cards. I awkwardly stepped to my car and drove off.

One big factor here is that we were both so goddamn nervous that we weren't able to really be good company. So nervous in fact, that I wasn't sure if this girl really enjoyed herself, and if she ever wanted to see my ass again. So distracted that I wasn't sure if there was any chemistry or not. So, if you're dating around, I highly recommend some kind of mechanism for handling nervousness.

Anyway, this whole tale is here to show you that a mediocre first date doesn't necessarily spell doom for a new relationship. You can always recover on the second date.

oh my my, oh hell yes!

2008-05-12T12:31:00.001-07:00

Remember that time I was a real big douchebag and lost my girlfriend's ring? Well, I'd held onto a little bit of hope that the ring had fallen into the back seat of my car and got buried beneath all of my ~~useless crap~~ treasured belongings taken from storage to bring to my new apartment, but I pretty much figured it was gone forever.

I could've sworn I'd looked everywhere, but evidently I hadn't.

On Friday night I was driving over to Jessie's house and realized I didn't have any face paint on. (P.S. I'm usually not that asshole in front of you who drives slowly while putting lipstick on, but I looked like hell that day, and in an effort to get to her house as soon as possible, I thought I'd save time by searching for the mascara and eye-liner before I stopped at the light).

I fiddled around inside my purse and pulled out the mascara. Wanna guess what was wrapped around its cap?

HOORAY! Jessie's long lost ring! Je ne suis pas une douchebag.

I cannot tell you just how relieved I am to have found it. I know it's just a ring, and she probably got more than a few chuckles out of just how much shit I gave myself for misplacing it, but it was such a nice gift, and I was excited about being able to hold onto it for as long as she'd allow me to.

Once I got to Chez Jess I literally jumped on her I was so happy. I decided to put it back on her finger for safe keeping, just until I find a chain that I can use to put through it and wear it as a necklace. Stupid fingers.

across the wet november night

2008-05-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today is Jessie's & my 6-monthaversary! Yay!

I'm not sure there's too much I want to say; I really just wanted to make sure something was written today. All day today in my head I just keep thinking what I've thought every month on the 8th since November: it's hard to believe we've only been together this long, and at the same time, it still feels fresh and new.

May be because Jess & I see each other 4-5 times a week and email/text/talk on the phone (sometimes for hours) everyday that I feel like I know most things about her. Like I've been with this woman for years. When people ask us how long we've been together, I almost hesitate to say "six months." And the person asking usually follows it with, "no way!"

I absolutely love that feeling. The feeling I get from knowing someone knows me inside and out, and that I know her on so many different levels. This is probably the most intimate relationship I've had, and it's surprisingly comfortable. For the first time, I'm not scared of someone seeing just how imperfect I am, and I'm not threatened by how well she's able to read me. Instead, I feel safe.

On the other hand, I'm constantly being amazed by the things I have yet to learn. I'm constantly discovering new things about her, and about us. Every weekend has turned out to be an adventure in one way or another. From checking out the new frozen yogurt place down the street to spur of the moment Santa Barbara trips, whether I've done those things before or not, it feels like I'm experiencing them for the first time.

Strange. I haven't thought about it till now, but I think the way I feel for Jessie is comparable to the way people describe love at first sight. I've never believed in love at first sight (even our first date left a lot to be desired). I imagine it would be something along the lines of meeting someone for the first time and, for no reason whatsoever, feeling extremely attached to them; being compelled to touch them as if they were a lifelong friend; realizing you'd never seen their face before but feeling like you know them inside and out. And believing it. The conscience would probably cease to exist in that moment; your heart would sense you've known this person before and pull you like a magnet to wherever they're standing. And once you're there it would feel like home.

I knew from the moment I first kissed her. Being with Jessie feels like home.

This is gonna sound extremely douchey, but we're still in that phase where we constantly profess our love for one another and make everyone sick with our affection so it's OK. I wish for all of you the chance to experience this kind of relationship.

Jessie, I love you. Happy anniversary.

Well, she does call herself a dyke...

2008-05-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about Billie's Internet Dating post, and I wanted to respond to it with a few thoughts of my own.

Going all the way back to the beginning of my dykehood, somewhere in 2003, I, like many of us, had problems with straight girls. Yes, those kinds of problems. My first two girlfriends were (and are still) straight. These rather emotionally trying experiences lead me to be distrustful of any bisexual or lesbian woman who actively expressed interest in men. It got complicated, and lead me to question my own gender identity more than once.*

I "fixed" this situation by adopting a No Bisexuals rule, which really wasn't fair of me, considering that bisexuals hadn't done anything to me. That didn't occur to me at the time. My only concern was, that if she had been near a penis and enjoyed it, I didn't want any part of it.

Now, something Billie has said on a few occasions deserves a mention. She's told me that a person (me, for instance), will get thrown into the same situation over and over again (falling for girls who like boys) until they learn from the mistake and then move on.

A year later, I'm looking at profiles on okcupid. I'd had luck meeting girls on there before, and there are lots of hotties in my area. I found one profile in particular that tickled my fancy, so I added her to my "favorites list," with the intention of writing her back later. I think I was procrastinating on some homework or something that night, and didn't have the time for it then.

Billie ended up writing me back before I got the chance to write her, because apparently my dorky pictures and list of favorite bands amused her. We messaged back and forth a couple of times, and my Official Gay Boy, Antony (who is also on okcupid), demanded to see her profile.**

Antony pointed out a part of the young lady's profile I hadn't noticed before. Sure enough, under the interests section, said "women, and the occasional man."

Red lights started spinning in my befuddled and discouraged little brain. Sirens screeched their warning. Antony, having declared himself my protector from all things heterosexual, said to be careful about this girl.

"But! But! She calls herself a dyke on her profile!" That was good enough for me. I liked this girl, dammit.

Since then, I learned that Billie had a few boyfriends, some more serious than others, and ya know what? That doesn't mean a damn thing when it comes to our relationship. Once you've handled your own insecurities, another person's past can't affect you the way it used to. Just when I thought I had made the same mistake a third time, I hadn't. It had occurred to me that when you're in love with someone, whether or not you're bi, gay, straight, or anything in between, you're in love with that person, and not their past.

DO: learn from your past and move on. Patterns in your past can predict your future, especially in your relationships (romantic and otherwise), jobs, responsibilities, etc.

DON'T: Allow your past to dictate your future. Just because you've only ever dated jerks/bitches/coke addicts doesn't mean you have to KEEP dating jerks/bitches/coke addicts.

*I've learned since then that my "What does he got that I don't got?!" attitude sprung from a deeper problem, of my having absolutely no self confidence. I judged myself, and my attractiveness to the ladies, based on the merits of others, and not on my own.

** You gay boys should be all over Antony. He smells good, cooks, is smart, and has abs you can crack an egg on.

note to self II

2008-05-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

When your girlfriend gives you a ring that she's had since elementary school, for god’s sake, don't lose it! Ugh!

Not one week ago Jess gave me a ring that she'd had since 4th grade. It was a relatively small token of affection, but it warmed my heart in the cheesiest romantic-comedy sort of way. I felt privileged. Honored. Absolutely flattered that she trusted me enough to give me something that’d been part of her life for so many years. And the best part of it is, when she put it on my finger I said, “but darling! You’ve had this forever!” She gave me that smile that does my heart something awful and replied, “and I’ll still have it forever.”

Kittens were flying amongst cotton candy clouds, puppies were pooping rainbows, someone somewhere felt the sudden urge to puke their guts and had no idea why. It was a lovely moment.

Now enter Billie McDouchebag.

My friend Diana and I went shopping last night before a much-needed happy hour, and while walking around looking for things to waste money on I found the perfect thing to give Jess for our 6-monthaversary. I bought it and lugged the thing out to my car thinking, “oh man. I am the best girlfriend EVER in existence. Jessie is going to flip!”

Not 30 seconds after I’d gotten the thing into my back seat, I noticed the ring (that was a little too big for my pinky and a little too small for the others) was gone. Gone! I immediately started searching around my car. Nothing. Diana helped me trace my steps to and from the store 3 times, searching every nook and cranny in the store itself, walking with our heads down and consequently bumping into other customers. No luck. And of course the employees at this store were no frickin’ help. They asked me what I was doing and when I exclaimed, “I lost my ring!!!” they just nodded and went about their business*.

Now I am the worst girlfriend ever in existence. I am Mongo Jerk. A douche. A totally untrustworthy partner with 8 fingers too fat and 2 too tiny.

Of course, Jessie has totally laughed this thing off and has insisted it really isn’t that big of a deal. And I mostly believe her, but I’d rather just make myself feel like shit about this for a little while.

*Thanks for the help, guys. How do you know it wasn’t a 1 million dollar pink diamond ring I lost? You know, like the one J. Lo had? You’d have felt pretty shitty if you’d found out you didn’t help someone recover 1 million dollars. Or was that your plan? You wanted to wait until I gave up so that you could pawn my million dollar ring, is that it? I’m on to you assholes. Well, unfortunately for you this ring was probably sold out of a 25 cent coin machine in the 80’s. So unless you’ve got some sort of emotional attachment to cheap vending machine prizes, you pretty much lose.

Daaamn girl, you look fine!

2008-05-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

As a addendum to Billie's post below, I'd like to comment on something sorta related.

This is the first time I've felt comfortable having my girlfriend checking out other women, discussing her past fantasies, current fantasies, and list of Women She'd Have a Threesome With. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she'd pick me over all of them. She makes me feel desired and wanted, and I hope I do the same for her.

I think an easy way to help your girlfriend feel secure in a relationship is by giving her compliments. Compliments of the traditional variety, of course, go something like "Wow baby, you look gorgeous tonight." I think Billie hears a variety of that fairly often, and I think she likes it.

I think there is another set of compliments, though. Unspoken ones. If your girlfriend has insecurities about her ass, tell her the things you like about it. Touch it, stroke it, and find the beauty in the imperfections. If you can do that, whether or not she ends up accepting the size/shape/color/whatever of her butt, at least she'll know that you like it, and that makes a girl feel good.

oh no you di'int!

2008-04-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

Jessie & I like to pride ourselves on being the anti-codependent couple*. What does this mean? Well, it means many things, and I kinda want to make this a short entry so I may write a more thorough entry on what it means to be an anti-codependent couple sometime soon. For now, suffice it to say that part of it is being able to check out other women while we're together and not feel jealous or threatened. It's refreshing, really, to not have to hide the slight eyebrow-lift when I see someone attractive walk by. Of course, it's usually followed by a, "what do you think, baby? Threesome?"

By now Jessie is pretty confident in my attraction to her. Could be the fact that I'm constantly telling her how good she looks in almost every outfit, or the fact that I want sex 24 hours a day. And she knows that she's the only person I want to sleep with. She also knows, though, that women don't stop being attracted to other women (or men... whatever you're into) just because they're in a committed relationship. So it makes sense that we should objectify sexy women when we notice them**.

A few weeks ago we were at Ripples, the local Long Beach gay bar, drinking New Castle***, dancing it up, comparing our level of dykehood against the other women... having a good time. The go-go dancers at Ripples were hot, although I must say, not as hot as the dancers at GirlBar. Mmmmm.

Er. Anyway. I saw Jessie looking at the one behind me. A few of her friends were egging her on to give the dancer a dollar. Noticing Jess's eyebrow raise, I encouraged her to do it myself. Almost immediately after I said, "do it, baby!" I felt a slight sink in my stomach and realized I actually didn't want her to do it. For some reason or another, that would've made me feel reeeeally shitty. I didn't want to go back on my words, though, so I just stood there waiting for a reaction.

...

...

...

I didn't notice it but I had stopped dancing. Then, as if Jessie could read my mind, she smiled at me and said, "nah," followed by something to the effect of, "you're the hottest woman here."

Moral of my story: There definitely needs to be a balance. Some boundaries. Eyeing out hotties? Sure, why not. Getting your face buried in a go-go dancer's crotch? Not so much. Fantasizing together about Rachel Weisz and Ashley Judd maybe? Yes, plz. Flirting with someone who looks like either of them? No, thank you.

In short: No, she actually di'int.

*We pride ourselves on being a lot of things, actually. It's sad but we are a bit douchey when it comes to knowing our own level of awesomeness.
**We're also bad lesbians.
***Though sometimes we're good.

Oh my god...that thing is huge...

2008-04-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers, Jessie here with another sex post. Today, I'm bringing you a review of the second toy Billie and I've procured, the "stout" Feeldoe. It's the black one that is slightly reminiscent of a nightstick. I've never used a traditional strap on (ya know, the kind with straps) so I can't comment on how this compares to that.

When I took it out of the box, the first thing that struck me was the girth. It's really quite thick... I can't quite get my index finger and thumb to wrap around it at the base. After staring blankly at it for a bit, and thinking "How..is that...gonna go... yeeah," I called Billie to report.

"Holy crap...it's like a nightstick!"

"A nightstick?"

"Yes. It's huge! You could give someone a concussion with this thing!"

So yeah. It's big, it's pretty heavy, and you probably could give someone a concussion with it.

Notes on use:

Missionary:

Once you (the wearer) have gotten the bulb-like part where it's supposed to go, the Feeldoe is best suited for wearer-on-top, aka Missionary. It extends at a fairly high angle from the wearer's body, providing lesbians with a great way to have some face-to-face fucking. I've got to admit, it's nice to see more than the top half of Billie's face for once while getting off.

Let me caution you that it's hard to feel confident wielding one of these until you've had some practice. I find that it tends to move around a bit, and there are two good ways to keep it going where you want it. One is to keep your legs together, therefore holding it against your body more firmly, and having more control in general. Feels better, too. Another way is using one hand to hold on to it. Once you've got it under control, this position is really great. Really really great. The skin-to-skin contact, friction, kissing, rubbing... all of that is very good.

Problems with Missionary:

If you (the wearer) are laying on top of your partner, elbows bent, with your torsos very close, you're in danger of potentially slipping out of your partner. The Feeldoe extends from the wearers body an inch or two lower than a regular strap on or biological male. Of course, you can compensate for this.

If you're up on your wrists, hovering over your partner, there are some problems here too. I've got tendinitis in both shoulders, and being up on my hands for a long time tends to put a lot of stress on them. It can also hurt your wrists if those are tender too. I would think that having something like a headboard to help brace yourself with would be beneficial.

Then, if you (the wearer) are sitting back a bit, knees spread, and thrusting this way (which allows for better access to your partner's clit (or penis, if that's what you're doing) you've got to hold on to it, or it probably will slip out. The stout model is especially prone to this because, let's face it, that's a lot of silicone, and the fucker's heavy. Unless you've got kegel muscles of steel and no vaginal moisture, it'll probably happen. If you have a lot of vaginal wetness, you're going to experience some slipping no matter what.

For the love of god, if you get the black one, and you don't get particularly wet, USE LUBE. Or, it'll feel like someone's got their foot up your vag.

Woman (well, one of them) on top:

Here's a favorite of mine! It allows for all kinds of groping for the wearer and much more control for the receiving partner. An added benefit is that slippage is minimal! Fantastic. If you're very visually stimulated, you'll like this one.

Problems with Woman-On-Top:

The one on top can get kind of tired in her knees or hips if you're going at it a long time. It's also best to be done on a bed, as rug burn can happen.

Stimulation for the wearer isn't great, because there's not much holding it against your body. It's simply not slipping out as much as it would with Missionary.

Rear-Entry, or Doggy Style:

The Feeldoe simply doesn't work well for doggy style, in my opinion. The angle of extension really makes it uncomfortable for the receiving partner. It's just too steep. I think this might be a particular problem with the stout Feeldoe because it's less flexible than it's little brothers. I've used the blue slim one previously, and while I found it a bit too short and a bit too thin to be tons of fun with, it's more flexible than the black one, and is more versatile in some aspects for this reason. I think a traditional strap on, with a angle of penetration that's more parallel to the floor, is best for this.

Or maybe I'm just not doing Doggy Style right.... Bahahah!

Lotus Position:

In my opinion, this is the BEST position to use with this toy. The wearer will sit on the floor or bed, with their back against a wall or headboard, and the receiver will straddle her partner, either crossing her legs around her, or kneeling with her legs folded on either side of the other's. The wearer can either have their legs crossed or stretched out, either works. The angle works well for the receiver (though I think Billie can comment more intelligently here), and frees the hands of both partners for touching. Much to my delight, it also brings the breasts right to eye-level, unless you're dating Tree from Flavor of Love. Then you'd be looking at her bellybutton.

This one is particularly good for the wearer because having the floor or bed pressing against the base of the Feeldoe presses it up against your body, rocking against your g-spot harder, and against your clit, if the little ridges on the base reach it. Though one of the big attractions of the Feeldoe is this promised clitoral stimulation for the wearer, I haven't found it to be the case, though the internal stimulation is certainly good.

Problems with Lotus:

That said, there are a couple of things I wish we're the case with this position. Though this is overall not a big problem for me, it doesn't allow for much movement for the wearer.

A slightly larger problem is that the pressure from the toy being pushed from the floor against your tenderladybits can get a bit intense and harsh. Unless you arrange yourself right, the toy will pull too hard against the front of your vaginal opening in a particularly unpleasant way.

Overall comments:

All that said, since I've used the slim one and the thick one, I'd definitely recommend to new buyers to go with the medium size, unless you're really a girth queen. The stout works fine for both Billie and I, but you've got to make sure there's lube involved.

They have two types of each model, with or without vibrator. The main difference is that there's a hole for a small bullet vibrator to be inserted in the base of the toy. Unfortunately, the bullet the provide is of poor quality, and isn't the "click on" type. In other words, you need to push on the button the entire time you want it to vibrate, and that just doesn't work. If you want your Feeldoe to vibrate, get yourself a better quality bullet vibe.

In short, if you're only going to get one toy, this is an option, but understand that its uses can be a bit limited. If you and your partner just can't get enough of the sex toys, the Feeldoe would be a great addition to your collection. It's a very high quality product. It is easy to clean, is damage resistant, and doesn't have any irritants.

It's also good for solo play, using either end. Not that I'd know anything about that... good girls don't masturbate.

Another easy way to use it is to not "wear" it at all. Instead of fingering your girlfriend while you go down on her, you can use this.

Woo!

note to self

2008-04-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

When on a date with your girlfriend, always smile at yourself in the mirror when you go to the restroom. As sexy as it must've been to be sporting that piece of grilled chicken between your teeth for the last 30 minutes, you might want to save yourself the embarrassment of showing it off for the rest of the night.

billie, i think you're bi

2008-04-11T20:50:00.001-07:00

Today I went to visit my mom after having gone a couple weeks without seeing her. I wanted to do a little catching up and check in on her & her luvvywuvvynoodlemuffin (read: new boyfriend).

Ok, who am I kidding, the only reason I went over was to do my laundry for free vs. doing it here in the allegedly haunted basement of my apartment building for a shitton of quarters.

Anyway, Mom and I had a nice long talk today that left me feeling incredibly happy and hopeful. We talked about her new relationship and we talked about mine, and the more we talked, the more I was amazed at how far she'd come in accepting my homosexuality.

When I first came out to my mom, I'd recently had the "OMG I'm a lesbian" revelation and was deep in my self-loathing "I just want to be like everybody else" mood. I remember taking a shower one Saturday afternoon, and breaking down into tears because I told myself that all of my childhood dreams of getting married in a long white dress to a wonderful person that my friends and family accepted, having a family and raising our kids in a safe community, were no longer attainable, and I just wanted to have what everyone else could.

I came out of the shower with my towel in a bunch, my mascara smeared down my face and my hair a mess, and I dragged myself into the living room to cry on Mom's shoulder.

"What's the matter?!," she exclaimed.

"I just... I just want to be normal!!!," I emo'd out.

"Oh, sweetie pie. You are normal!"

"No, Mom. I'm not. I'm lesbian."

Mom paused for a good minute while all the potential reactions to that confession raced through my mind and I pictured myself gathering my things and going to stay at my cousin's house until things blew over. Nevermind that my mom probably had more gay friends than straight. Gay friends that I was raised up around, gay friends whose weddings I stood as a flower girl in. Still, I tortured myself with thoughts of being slapped and disowned and put on the streets for good.

After a long, awkward silence, she sighed and reassured me, "Billie, I think you're bi."

Er?

Mom had known since she found a letter I wrote to a classmate in 9th grade that I was attracted to girls. But I'd had more than my fair share of boyfriends and Teen Beat crushes, and so the assumption was there that I had my flings with the fairer sex, yet had my heart set on men.

After going through a few short-lived relationships with women, and even up until now, finding Jessie and introducing her to the family (the only other girlfriend Mom met was an old school friend that she 'knew' was strictly platonic), she has still held onto the belief that my future will be with a guy. These 'experiences', you see, are strictly sexual, or lessons to be learned, before I find the one.

Mom's not intolerant to say the very least, but in her heart she still wanted me to have the big wedding, the white picket fence and a cuppla grandkids to keep her busy and entertained. She wanted an easy life for me; one that didn't include fighting for my right to declare my love for someone on paper, one that didn't attract dirty looks and hateful comments in my general direction. Any mother would want that for her daughter, I'm sure.

Yet today... today was something different.

Today my mom told me just how evident it was that Jessie & I made each other happy. She told me that she was genuinely surprised at how compatible we are; how healthily we resolve any potential conflicts with one another, and how happy it makes her to see us gaze at each other with not a chance of hiding the love in our eyes. Mom said she knew the feeling of having to wait 50+ years for the love of your life to make their grand entrance, and that she was elated that we found each other in half that time.

She expressed her gratitude for Jessie and her mission in my life to help me grow, and she expressed her desire to get to know her better.

I may have it a little too easy where my mother is concerned (Dad's a whoooooole 'nother Oprah show), but she's given me hope that, with a little time, a little patience and a little understanding, anyone can come around and realize that whether you're with a man or a woman, true love is worth living for.

Things I like about girls (my girlfriend in particular)

2008-04-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

They are pretty.
They smell good.
They have soft skin.
They have soft, pretty lips (pretty often anyway).
They have pretty eyes.
They are curvy.
They have pretty hair.
They are considerate and caring.
They have infectious smiles. (ESPECIALLY Billie.)
They always have a spare tampon.

Va bene!

Unpack The U-Haul

Congratulations, Connecticut!

nyurf!

quick update

epic fail

A sexy note to self

Picture show and exciting updates!

ring ring, is that you on the phone?

Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show

just stand there and look pretty

Being the "guy" in the relationship

Picture Show answer

Wednesday Unpack The U-Haul Picture Show

we're still here!

A-ha!

First-date blues

oh my my, oh hell yes!

across the wet november night

Well, she *does* call herself a dyke...

note to self II

Daaamn girl, you look fine!

oh no you di'int!

Oh my god...that thing is huge...

note to self

billie, i think you're bi

Things I like about girls (my girlfriend in particular)

Well, she does call herself a dyke...