Deuce of Davenport | Sports News, Commentary, Humor, Videos

Canadian football is a form of gridiron football

2009-07-03T12:00:00.004-04:00

For you die hard football fans, tune in tonight (if you can even find it on cable) in the season opener for both British Columbia and Saskatchewan. The Lions travel to Mosaic Stadium to face the Saskatchewan Roughriders (9 p.m. ET). This is a very even match-up but the Roughriders coached by former Argonauts coach Ken Miller, is poised for an opening night victory and are favored by 1. However, The Matador can see in his crystal ball a last second win by BC.

Put your money and faith on BC (+1).

For you baseball fans, The Matador is hearing the Red Sox money line is a smart bet.

Constitutional Vol.: Happy 4th of July

2009-07-03T02:08:00.005-04:00

Its a holiday, so it's gonna be slow 'round these parts, but I figure if you're here reading this, you might as well get some enjoyment out of popping over here to the Deuce. So enjoy these links today...and welcome to the Constitutional. Be sure to follow us on Twitter @chimpanzeerage and @mredonkulous. Also, be a fan of our brand spanking new Facebook Page for the Deuce. We're gettin hip to the times here.

Chapman vs Strasburg...which one will fail? My vote is both - Bugs & Cranks

Underachieving teams or bad management, which is worse? - Sharapova's Thigh

5 intriguing names in MLB trade market. - The Scores Report

Kobe wasn't very fond of Los Angeles' mayor - SportsbyBrooks

Nobody likes Kurt Warner - With Leather

Greatest takedown ever in soccer. A classic. - Whoateallthepies via The Beautiful Game

The Celtics Dancers held auditions...boy did they! - Epic Carnival

There is a 13 year old A-rod clone out there...will be drafted first by the Nationals in 2014. - Big League Stew

The JV squad for MNF broadcasts was just announced. Yea, Mike, Mike & Mike...ugh. - Awful Announcing

Shaq had a presser with his new team. - NESW Sports

Junk food makes you fast...just ask Usain Bolt. - The Sporting Blog

Ben Gordon & Charlie Villanueva is the best Detroit can do? - Larry Brown Sports

University of Oklahoma really keeps its sports teams in the family. Hugging Harold Reynolds

8 Crazy Moments In Japanese Baseball

2009-07-03T01:30:00.000-04:00

What's more in the tradition of 4th of July than a mixing of Japanese and American culture? I mean, isn't that what the Nathan's Hot Dog Challenge is all about? No? Oh well, whatever. In keeping in this idea that we created, we've decided to pull together some of the craziest moments in Japanese baseball that we could find on the interwebs...we were just that bored.

Enjoy:

1) In Japan, you can pitch backwards:

2)In Japan, this is the only way to charge the mound:

3)In Japan, pitchers will stand up to anyone...not really:

4)In Japan, even the shirts catch balls:

5)In Japan, people can fly:

6)In Japan, you run away from fights...not to them:

7)In Japan, people can hit balls on a rope...LITERALLY:

8)In Japan, you find out what happens when you pitch a ball with a bazooka:

The Matador's bonus Super Bowl Coverage (of eating)

2009-07-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

The 4^th of July is just around the corner and what better way than to pay homage to an American institution—Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. The Matador is stepping outside the realm of the gridiron and entering this mysterious world. Last year, our American hero Joey "Jaws" Chestnut barely beat out Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi to claim top dog in the 2008 Nathan's Hot Dog eating competition. After time expired, both men tied by devouring 59 hot dogs and water drenched buns. In overtime, Chestnut was able to out chew and swallow Kobayashi for his 2nd consecutive title. Chestnut walked off the stage a champion with $10,000.00 in hand.

This year will prove to be another exciting rematch between Chestnut (-120) and Kobayashi (-110).

Chestnut, 25, hails from Vallejo, California. He boasts the Nathan's Hot Dog record for consuming 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes, destroying Kobayashi's old record. But what Chestnut can really be proud of is his love of American fare. He took down 241 chicken wings in 30 minutes at Wing Bowl XVI. In February, he was able to consume 10.5 pounds of macaroni and cheese in 7 minutes during the halftime show at the San Jose Stealth lacrosse game. Chestnut has a competitive advantage as he lives in the US and has access to Nathan's Hot Dogs everyday all year long. Also, he has a unique training regime marveled by nutritionists that includes fasting and then stretching his stomach with milk, water, and protein supplements. Even so, Chestnut will not win for a third consecutive year. This is Kobayashi's time to shine and reclaim the title.

Before Kobayashi, competitive food eating was virtually unheard of. His heroics and mass consumption of food have made him a living legend not only in Japan, but around the world. He is well built at 5' 8" weighing anywhere between 128-165 pounds. He has a signature move that’s been coined the “Kobayashi shake” in which he wiggles his body in such a way to allow the food to drain down his esophagus quickly in mass quantities. With this shake, he has amassed several personal records: 97 Krystal hamburgers in 8 minutes; 58 bratwurst sausages in 10 minutes; 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes; and 20 pounds of rice balls in 30 minutes. Fans adore Kobayashi and believe in him. This machine is invincible and fears no one. In Man vs. Beast, Kobayashi had the balls to face a 1089-pound Kodiak bear. Though he wasn’t victorious, he still managed to consume 31 bunless hot dogs in 2 minutes and 36 seconds to the bear's 50.

At this year's Nathan's competition, the Kobayashi shake will be in full force and effect. So hurry up, jump on the bandwagon and buy your t-shirts today.

Kobayashi will win!!!!!

The smart money is on Kobayashi at -110.

For you risk takers, put a little $$$ on the field. At +1000, you really don't have much to lose.

New Exercise Sensation: G Forces!

2009-07-02T03:10:00.003-04:00

Ok, disclaimer, this is one crazy son of a bitch right here. This guy believe that by spinning around at 240 RPMs and supposedly achieving 20g's of pressure on his body, he can work out every single part of his body, just by the g forces upon him. As a matter of fact, you can even work out your INTERNAL ORGANS this way. I know my liver needs a good workout after what I put it through on Tuesday...poor little guy. Via the Youtube page:

In only minutes.... not only muscles, skin, and bones, but also internal organs and even the blood that flows in your veins.

Man alive...I told you this guy is nuts. Anyway, you need to watch this surreal video that is just begging for someone to remix somehow.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Fireworks Ball Shot

2009-07-02T02:45:00.003-04:00

How can you go wrong with fireworks being shot right at your balls? You can't. Happy 4th of July weekend everyone, get ready to get your bbq and booze on.

Pirates' Jack Wilson Sorry For Being Honest...and Correct

2009-07-02T00:39:00.007-04:00

Pittsburgh Pirates' shortstop Jack Wilson might've gotten in a bit of trouble yesterday with his team, as he issued an apology to the management for saying that he was “beyond tired of such moves” in reference to the team's several, recent trades, including Tuesday's deal with the Washington Nationals which traded outfielder Nyjer Morgan and a pitcher for Lastings Milledge and a pitcher. Here's what he said after the trades went down:

“It’s tough for the guys who’ve been here and have seen these trades happen and absolutely do nothing,” Wilson said several hours after the deals were made. “I’ve seen these trades two or three times a year and we still haven’t had a winning season.”

That is pretty correct assertion on Jack's part isnt it? Pretty much every year, be it Jason Bay or Nate Mclouth or whomever, they trade away their good players for younger talent or lesser talent or both. Those trades only serve to keep salary down, talent level down and expectations low. Pirates are the definition of CHEAP. However, Jack ~~had his mind changed~~changed his mind the next day:

“Some of my comments were pretty harsh,” he said. “I definitely don’t want to be the guy who is butting heads with the organization or trying to cause any type of negativity, so I apologize."

“When you are here in the moment and you’re talking to guys and everyone is bummed out, you maybe lose your head a little bit and vent. A lot of the things I said, I thought about … and they were pretty inaccurate,” he said.

What? Really? What exactly was inaccurate about what he said? Jesus, what a stand up guy, considering that he didn't have to apologize at all and then just flat out saying he was wrong when the guy was completely right.

It makes me sad that he had to apologize, it is about time a player on the Pirates, that is universally respected, calls out the front office for who they really are. A bunch of cheap bastards that are only interested in maintaining a certain amount of profit at the cost of winning games.

From Yahoo Sports

Acting A Fool Can Drive A Frenchman Crazy

2009-06-30T08:51:00.007-04:00

Sensitive thugs, y'all need hugs.

Professional athletes should be commended for not running to rehab like politicians or actors when they get caught acting a fool. The offender's team or agent writes an apology that the player couldn't have written and everyone moves on besides the victim(s). Just ask Leonard Little and Chris Henry who made a "complete 360". Someone should have explained this to French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud before he checked himself into Le Looney Bin.

Bastareaud claimed that he was jumped and punched by five men while returning to his hotel after France played New Zealand in a test match last week. Not quite. You see what had really happened was he hit his head on a table after drinking too much. Want to try that again? It turns out he was acting a fool and one of his teammates settled him down by laying him out.

"Drunk and aggressive, Bastareaud was reportedly calmed down by a fist from one of his teammates," the daily Le Parisien reported.

Bastareaud admittted lying about the incident. He thought he could cover up the truth but that didn't work out so well. Instead of ending the situation with an apology and cover up from French rugby officials, he decided to check himself into a mental hospital for two weeks after suffering "serious psychological problems". Stade Francais president Max Guazzini said the media pressure became too much for the player to take.

Maybe we're being too hard on the kid. He is the cousin of Arsenal and France defender William Gallas who everyone agrees is batshit crazy. It's not his fault. It's in the blood.

The Matador Picks The SEC

2009-06-30T01:00:00.001-04:00

The SEC is the strongest conference overall winning the last three national championship games with a combined score of 103-52. For those not aware, the SEC is broken up into two divisions, the East and the West. At the end of the regular season, the division champs play in the conference championship game and the winner gets an automatic BCS bid to represent the SEC and it looks like Florida is on the way again.

SEC EAST
It seems almost certain the Florida Gators will win the SEC East with their very weak schedule. The only game that may pose a problem is the road game at LSU where they've recently struggled. Even if the Gators blow that game, they are still going to win the SEC East. No other team can compete with Florida in the East. The Gators return their entire starting defense and Tebow is back for his final season. For all you Bulldog lovers, without Moreno and Stafford, Georgia will be looking up all season long and their thin secondary is going to be exposed on opening day. They are going to be in the L column quickly as they have to face a very strong Oklahoma State team on the road (OSU may have the strongest offensive trio in Zac Robinson, Dez Bryant and Kendall Hunter). Tennessee has a new coach who just fired up the Gators with his most recent rants over recruiting. The Vols have an untested QB and are weak at the O line. It's not even worth my breath to talk about South Carolina, Vandy or Kentucky.

SEC WEST
The SEC West is a bit more unpredictable but with The Matador's crystal ball, the clouds are clearing. You have three teams that can legitimately win the SEC West--LSU, Alabama and Ole Miss. Most are favoring LSU. I'm not sure why. Maybe it is because of their strength at running back, but who knows. LSU will lose key games because they lost key players at the D line and O line positions. Jefferson, their QB, is still suspect at best but he did have a strong Chick-fil-A Bowl, showing signs of potential and stability. Alabama is going to have a sick defense which rivals the Gators. My concern is their offensive production. I don't see them scoring enough points to keep up with their SEC rivals. We will learn a lot about Bama on September 5th, when they face VaTech in Atlanta. Either way, the team is not strong enough to be on top. In the end, my team out of the West who will be standing strong is Ole Miss. They are bringing back all their play makers on offense including my Heisman hopeful long shot Jevan Snead. This team will score a lot of points with McCluster and Hodge catching the ball and Bolden anchoring the backfield--and most importantly they don't have to face the revengeful Gators in the regular season. I recognize they don't have a lot of depth on the O line and their defense needs improvement, but their offense should take them all the way to the promised land.

The SEC champs: Florida Gators win by trouncing Ole Miss.

Most exciting team to watch: Auburn. They have a new coach in Chiznik, a very difficult schedule, questions at QB, untested players, but one heck of a defense. They won't win the West but they sure will make it entertaining.

Next Up: The Big 10

How About Some Tuesday Sacrilege?

2009-06-30T00:18:00.000-04:00

Sure, it is not sports related but you should watch this. Well, you shouldnt watch if you're easily offended and in any way a religious person but if you aren't easily offended, then enjoy this wonderful re-cut of Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ movie trailer...the Passion of Zombie Jesus!!

Who doesn't enjoy a little sacrilege with their morning cup o' joe?

Skate Around Like A Roman Emperor

2009-06-29T00:59:00.008-04:00

In the beginning there were roller-skates, and they were good. Then came roller-blades, and they were good. Now, there are Chariot Skates...and they are fucking awesome.

These skates use extra large wheels to cross the line between a skating and cycling experience...and I can't even explain it properly at all. I have no clue how these things work, but they are fantastic. Check their website out right here and check out the skates in action below.

From Chariot Skates

Ultimate Warrior on Michael Jackson...Too Soon?

2009-06-29T00:45:00.000-04:00

Former WWE superstar Ultimate Warrior delivered a fine eulogy to Michael Jackson on Friday and I just thought you, our good readers, would love to hear what he had to say. Don't shoot the messenger.

Jacko. Finally, he beat it.

I imagine all the crying about the death of this recent drug-soused entertainment freak has most to do with the unfortunate inconvenience that the other drug-soused entertainment freaks now face. They will have to look for another local, safe and reputable babysitter. No longer will they be able to drop their kids off down the street at Jacko’s to be watched for the afternoon and spend some play time with his own kids.

I hate the paparazzi, and think they should all be shot for the obsessive invasion of privacy. But I’m really going miss ALL those TMZ and Entertainment Tonight video clips of Jacko’s and other celebrity kids playing together. You ever see any of those? Weren’t they great? Didn’t they make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside? Worked for me. Every time I caught one it made me believe maybe he wasn’t a pedophile. After all, famous and rich entertainers, with all kinds of money to go to any expense to have things accurately checked out for themselves, wouldn’t let their own little babies near a pedophile…would they?!

Well, you gotta give him credit for one thing. He spent all his money (and then some) before he died. And that’s not an easy thing to calculate. Go ahead, ask your financial planner if he has a plan to pull it off. For all the horrific mismanagement of millions and millions and millions of dollars, here at the end, Jacko did a pretty damn good job at balancing the books in his favor. Sorry, at my new age and with the way the Obama economic plan is going, I couldn’t help but recognize this stunner.

Your Founding Father of Intense Sarcasm…

Always Believe, Warrior

Sensitive guy huh? Was that too soon?

From Warrior's Machete

USA Came Close and I Actually Cared

2009-06-29T00:15:00.001-04:00

I'm not generally much for the soccer or futbol or football or footy or whatever you wanna call it. I usually leave that up to Mustafa to cover up here on the Deuce. A funny thing did happen while watching USA actually compete and ultimately lose to Brazil 3-2 in the championship game of the Confederation Cup however...I watched.

And i didnt just watch when we got into the 2nd round and beyond, I actually watched us lose the first couple games. Not sure why either. Maybe i was just bored, working from home and in desperate need of something interesting on the television. Well, i did indeed find interesting television, great drama even, and it made me keep watching, even when USA was losing. I watched and for the first time saw what the rest of the world sees when it watches soccer...that it is actually a pretty enjoyable sport to watch.

No offense to the MLS, but, it just isnt as interesting. The players arent as good, plain and simple. Brazil and Spain were all-star teams, USA as well to a much lesser degree, but they competed and showed that USA soccer might just be beginning to turn a curve in international soccer. USA can now show up with the best of the world and, at the very least, compete for 90 minutes...and sometimes even win.

This is what USA Soccer needs to do if it wants people like me, the non soccer fan, to watch their games. I didnt grow up playing soccer, it wasn't on tv when I was a kid, we had crappy indoor scocer as our local "pro" teams that came and left quicker than swine flu, so it has taken me quite a bit to warm up to thinking that soccer is a real sport that I would think about watching. 2 things were needed for me to really care about the game: 1) Have a team to care about; and 2) have that team be interesting to watch.

Sure, I could watch the DC United play, they would be my local team by default, but the quality of play in the MLS is so much lesser than, say, the Premiership, that it's like watching the XFL...and we all remember how much that stunk. I could watch Premiership soccer like Mustafa, but I've never been to England and could give 2 shits about what is going on in that country's soccer leagues. In reality, I just want to watch good, American soccer, because I am a gigantic homer. Now, I actually can...sorta...at least in international play. I cannot wait until the World Cup games.

So, congratulations to the USA Soccer team. They did more than just not embarrass themselves and they bought themselves many new fans of soccer. Its ok that they didn't win, they were interesting. They competed and they did so with energy and passion. For that, I thank them. They were a joy to watch.

(AP Photo/Martin Meissner)

The Matador's 2009 Heisman Watch

2009-06-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

Today is your lucky day! The Matador has his Heisman sleeper picks for you so get your money ready.

Now if you don't recall, last year's Heisman race was an anomaly in that Tim Tebow actually received the most first place votes, yet finished third in the overall ballot behind McCoy and Bradford respectively. If the voting took place after the BCS Championship game, there is no doubt in my mind Tim Tebow would have won after taking down the mighty Sooners, but unfortunately that's not how the award is won. So with that in mind, The Matador is ready to unleash his favorites for the 2009 Heisman Trophy.

Below are probably your favorites, but The Matador doesn't like them and thinks they are bad bets with little to no value:

1) Tim Tebow (QB, Florida) -- Tebow is the favorite, but the voters and Archie Griffin don't want a player to win this award twice. It's clear that Urban Meyer's game plan is to make his workhorses drive 80 yards down the field, then run the one yard QB keeper so the maharajah Tebow can get his coveted stats. Percy Harvin's numbers should have been so much greater last year but the coach drew up all the red zone plays for Tebow. However, in the eyes of the public, Tebow is a saint and therefore he should be favored entering the season.

2) McCoy (QB, Texas) / Bradford (QB, Oklahoma) -- These two are toss ups. Both were highly valued during the regular season, but as soon as they played teams with real defenses, their numbers plummeted. The voters will remember this when casting their vote. McCoy did throw for 414 yards in the Fiesta Bowl, but that was off of 58 attempts (abnormally high). With those numbers, he still only managed to throw for 2 TDs and had an INT against a stronger Buckeyes' defense. In the BCS Championship game, Bradford threw for a paltry 256 yards off of 41 attempts with 2 TDs and 2 INTs. This is not the sign of a Heisman winner. If anything, Florida's defense, who all return, should have collectively won the Heisman for shutting down the Big 12's so-called elite offense and the SEC all season long. The Sooners scored an average of 55.8 points against Big 12 teams throughout the 2008 regular season, but only 14 against Florida's dominating defense.

Instead, here are The Matador's Top 3 Heisman candidates you may want to invest in:

1. Jahvid Best (RB, Cal) -- Best is hands down the best running back in the Pac-10 and maybe in all of college football. He will put up monstrous numbers against some of the terrible Pac-10 defenses. If Cal can win some games and upset USC, this RB will be posing with the Heisman trophy come December.

2. Daryll Clark (QB, Penn State) not Terrelle Pryor (QB, OSU) -- Clark will lead the Nittany Lions to its second consecutive Big Ten title. There is so much hype with Pryor and Ohio State winning the Big Ten, but frankly he shouldn't be on your watch list. Pryor hasn't individually proven anything and he had terrible games when it counted against Penn State and Texas (in the Fiesta Bowl, Pryor was shut out with no passing TDs and was held to 5 completions for a total of 66 yards). As a true freshman, Pryor played well but not up to the Heisman hype to be on your watch list. Clark, on the other hand, had an amazing debut as PSU's starting QB, won the Big Ten, and in the Rose Bowl threw for 273 yards, had 2 passing TDs and one rushing TD against what some people said was the best USC defense in school history. I only see improvement with this guy. If he goes 12-0 or 11-1, step aside Tim Tebow so Clark can claim his much deserved trophy.

3. DeMarco Murray (RB, Oklahoma) -- Murray is coming off an injury and the Sooners really -- let me emphasize this -- REALLY missed him in the BCS Championship Game. Murray will be a force to reckon with and will put up another 1000 yards easily this season. If he stays on his feet and out of the hospital, at the end of the season he can rest his sore hamstring on the Heisman trophy.

The dark horses: Jevan Snead (QB, Ole Miss), Zac Robinson (QB, Okla. State), Evan Royster (RB, Penn State), Jonathan Dwyer (RB, Ga. Tech).

If you are wondering why I did not pick any wide receivers, it's because wide receivers just don't win the Heisman. The last to do so was Desmond Howard in 1991. Look at the receiving core last year, none of them even came close. Eight out of the last ten Heismans went to QBs and the way the trend is going, that's not going to change. SO DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY. DO NOT PLACE ANY FUTURE ACTION ON ANY WIDE RECEIVER!!!!!

Next Up--The Matador will announce his Conference Championship predictions. First up, the SEC.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Pool Jump Fail

2009-06-23T04:19:00.001-04:00

Nothing more need be said

Minorities To Become Minority Owners in Miami

2009-06-23T00:36:00.007-04:00

Someone needs to tell the Miami Dolphins they're doing it wrong. Majority owner Stephen Ross should probably spend less time worrying about the halftime entertainment. He named the stadium after Jimmy Buffett's Land Shark beer and now Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio are coming aboard as minority owners. Why they gotta get all racialist? Why can't they just be owners? Damn that's messed up.

Both parties refuse to confirm the rumor but a major announcement will be made at LandShark Stadium this Thursday. Ross and the Estefans will be in attendance. Gloria was in Nashville on Monday recording a new version of "Are You Ready For Some Football" with Hank Williams Jr. to be used this season on Monday Night Football.

Why stop with Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans? Think of the possibilities. Gloria likes to count to four and so does Pitbull. He'll keep the rowdy fan(s) in check (1:05). Spaulding would want a little something for the negroes too.** Bring Trick Daddy and Uncle Luke on board. They've worked together (NSFW language) in the past. Trick's a regular guest on Dan LeBatard's local radio show and Luke runs Miami Hurricane football so they both have professional sports cred. Throw in Flo-Rida and oh hot damn, the Dolphins have themselves one hell of an owners group. It's not going to be Bill Parcells' jam when he has to hit Flo-Rida up for money to buy another mediocre receiver. "Fine. I can do that, playa. But first put on these Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. I wanna see them moobs bounce! Hit the floor! Shawty, get low low low low! Now throw them hands up in the ayer! Ayer!" A tear will run down Parcells' cheek like that Indian on the side of the road. It's funny because it could happen.

**That's a reference to a line in Caddyshack so don't start. Talk to Spaulding, Judge Smails or someone else who doesn't care that you didn't get it.

Luckiest Basketball Shot Ever

2009-06-23T00:29:00.004-04:00

I dunno how many attempts this kid had at this shot, but the fact this kid made even one of them is one hell of a mind fuck. The chances he'll do anything this fantastic ever again in his life are about nil. The purpose of the picture above? None...except that it is awesome.

The Matador

2009-06-23T00:15:00.000-04:00

I'm Don "The Matador" Everest. You've seen me on TV, read my books, and heard about my success on the likes of Oprah. I have won more money betting on sports than Bush has put our country in debt. I did it with smart plays and UPSETS using my superior analysis and studying with the best in the business. Everyone says you cant win at sports betting, WRONG! I've been picking 75% spread winners since the age of 12, taking gumballs and baseball cards from my next door neighbors. They don't call me "The Matador" for nothing--as the word suggests, I'm the bullfighter who will kill the bull.

I certainly may be new to the Deuce, but I'm not new to the world of sports betting. I've teamed up with the Deuce to provide readers with my select pick of the week. The sport of choice is........College Football. You are going to get one game each week. I'll post hours if not days before kick-off. I will keep detailed records of my picks so you will know how I am doing throughout the season. In the meantime, I'm studying my teams, coaches, weather patterns, and individual players. Shortly, I will release my Heisman prediction, National Champs, and Conference Champs. I just want you to remember, if you put your faith in me, this will be a journey that you will never forget.

Disclaimer:
This is meant for entertainment purposes, everything you just read is not true. Neither The Matador nor anyone associated with the Deuce accepts any responsibility whatsoever for any loss that may be sustained as a result of the use (or misuse) of The Matador's posts, irrespective of how that loss might be sustained. The Matador or the Deuce does not guarantee winnings and cannot be held liable for losses resulting from the use of information obtained from here.
Warning:
Wagering can be very risky and users should only speculate with money that they can comfortably afford to lose or your significant other doesn't know about and should ensure that the risks involved are fully understood, seeking advice if necessary. If you have a problem or you know a buddy who has a gambling problem, please seek help and/or call 1-800-GAMBLER.

The Front Fell Off: When Ecological Disasters Get Funny

2009-06-23T00:05:00.000-04:00

This video isn't sports related unless lighting oil spills on fire is your game. Our intrepid reporter begs the helicopter pilot for permission to have a smoke while filming an 80,000 ton crude oil spill. Let's just say that hilarity ensues. It continues when the minister of shipping tries to explain "what had happened" on a talk show. Warning: some NSFW language.

via Fark and Root Cause Analysis Blog

Silvio Berlusconi Loves It When You Call Him Papi

2009-06-23T00:01:00.003-04:00

"Go and wait for me in the big bed." Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's 72 year old corrupt clown of a prime minister and owner of AC Milan is quickly becoming one of our favorite people to follow. Berlusconi (or Papi as the hoes call him) is under fire for flying models and prostitutes in from all over Italy and throwing parties at his house. He's also in trouble for taking an 18 year old girl to school in the biblical sense. He calls himself her "little daddy teacher". Does his limo turn into a gelato truck at 2:30 PM or whenever Italian kids get out of school? That's worse than robbing the cradle. That's robbing the uterus.

Oh, By The Way, We Tweet Now

2009-06-19T00:17:00.003-04:00

Yes, we're on twitter now, finally, SO COME FOLLOW US. Now that our personal lives have settled down a bit, Mustafa and I, Chimpanzee Rage, are getting back into the flow of things and twittering. You can follow me @chimpanzeerage and Mustafa can be found @mredonkulous. Don't make us have to resort to contests and such to get you linked up to us.

World Sauna Endurance Championships

2009-06-18T01:58:00.004-04:00

Yes...you really can turn anything into a competition. Check the video of this hot mess, you'll see all the rules and what it takes for you to become the next sauna champion. Hot. You see what I did there? That is some subtle comedy. REAL subtle.

Not Sure If I Understand The Jamison Trade Rumors

2009-06-18T01:14:00.006-04:00

So, according to Draft Express.com the latest on the Jamison to the Cavs rumor that will never die is this: Antawn Jamison, Mike James and maybe the 5th pick in this years draft to the Cavs for Ben Wallace (retiring) and Sasha Pavlovic (non-guaranteed contract).

So, the Wizards dump one starter (a man that the owner highly respects and just re-signed to a 50 million dollar deal last season), one possible 6th man or starter (the 5th pick in the draft) and a bench player all for salary relief the Wizards don't necessarily want since the owner said he didn't care if he went over the salary cap the next season.

If you don't believe this rumor has no basis in any real fact, check out this awesome post by Mike Prada over at Bullets Forever, "6 Reasons Why The Wizards Aren't Looking To Cut Salary...".

Just a silly rumor to get page hits really, I'm not even sure why I even linked to that crap. Maybe i'll just make up some randomness to get more people to visit the Deuce.

Toe Wrestling Championship!

2009-06-18T00:30:00.001-04:00

Yes, I know you've eagerly been awaiting this year's Toe Wrestling championships, so the Deuce is here to supply you with your podophilic fix. The winners of this year's event are Lisa "Twinkle Toes" Shenton for the women and Alan "Nasty" Nash, the 6 time champion (who managed to win with an undisclosed broken foot in 2000) for the men. Take a gander at the video...it is a foot fetishist's dream.

Via CNN

Your Day At The Office Was Better Than Jon Obi Mikel's

2009-06-16T03:50:00.004-04:00

Ah the good old urine free days.

Do I come to your job and throw bottles of urine at you? I do if I'm a Nigerian soccer fan and your name is Jon Obi Mikel. The Chelsea midfielder got more than he bargained for when he watched the Eagles take on Kenya in a World Cup qualifier from the comfort of a VIP box.

Mikel and Everton defender Joseph Yobo missed two European friendlies after claiming they weren't able to get visas to play in France and Ireland. Nigerian fans didn't buy their flimsy excuses and showed their disapproval by throwing plastic bottles of urine at Mikel during the Kenya match. Yobo sat next to Mikel but there are no reports of him being hit by the piss missiles.