Deuce of Davenport | Sports News, Commentary, Humor, Videos

What They Do Indeed

2008-05-16T06:40:00.004-04:00

The real David Banner could turn into the Incredible Hulk or Lou Ferrigno once something or someone pissed him off. He was even polite enough to request that you not anger him. The rapper David Banner do what they do. He's all show like most rappers. Instead of renting a ride and house, he rented an off-brand Lou known to you as Barry Bonds. Here's to keeping it real at :46. Fuck a transform.

Video from New York Daily News I-Team.

Cheeseracing!

2008-05-15T10:40:00.004-04:00

Sure, its not really a sport, but I have been slacking posting this week due to power outages and my regular drinking binges. Speaking of drinking binges, someone had to be real drunk to think of this "new sport". Its called Cheese Racing.

Its a simple sport to participate in, all you need is a BBQ grill and individually wrapped slices of cheese. Ya put the cheese on the smoking hot grill and see whose cheese package fully inflates the quickest. Full inflation means that all four corners have raised up off the grill. Even if you spring a leak, it isnt a disqualification. So...thats it.

I had no idea that they wrapped cheese so tightly that when placed on a grill the cheese will boil inside the package. I also didn't realize that the plastic they use to wrap the cheese is completely impervious to fire. They should use this shit to wrap race cars in or something.

Check out the Cheese Racing site here

Fist Pump On A D**k? That's A Bit Much

2008-05-14T07:22:00.006-04:00

A message to Goose Gossage and David Dellucci. Shut up. The bitching and moaning over Joba Chamberlain's celebrations needs to stop. This issue is bigger than Joba so don't take us for Yankee apologists. Yankee fans have a hard-on for Joba. He can do no wrong in their eyes. He could give a newborn baby a spinning roundhouse kick out the window at St. Vincent's, fist pump, yell and Yankee fans would blow a load about his heart.

Goosage whines about Joba's celebrations not being the "Yankees way" and he's right. They aren't and that's what makes him refreshing. For all the talk about tradition, the Yankees are a stodgy, corporate faceless club with no personality. There's no denying their history or accomplishments but to root for the Yankees is to root for the mind-numbing efficiency one expects from a clock. Any excitement is generated by John Sterling warbling "The Yankees win!" or Suzy Waldman blubbering over a deserved loss as though someone ran over her mother. Even when the Yankees are winning, it seems like punching the clock at the sweatshop. No doubt real Yankees fans love their team but to decry shows of emotion and excitement on the field seems odd considering how rabid the fans get.

Drooling local sports radio idiots and ex-players like Gossage yell about "acting like you've been there" and respect for the game. Implying players like Joba respect the game less than other players is absurd. Save that for Pete Rose and Art Schlichter. These critics try to elevate the game to the level of heart surgery. It's as though calling it a game and treating it as such is an affront or insult to their work. There's a fear of not being taken seriously. No one denies the hard work and dedication it takes to become and stay a professional athlete. It's something most can only hope to do. However when it comes down to it, it's still a game and people seem to forget that. I'm sure Dan Patrick wasn't alone when he was going on and on about celebrating your office job. Can we please drop this bullshit comparison? No one really thinks the job of pro athlete compares to humping your desk eight hours a day. Sport is more than work. Sport is about winning. Sport is entertainment. Sport is emotion. Consulting is not being able to explain what you do. I digress.

Of course there's a limit and there is a thing as too much. Taunting would fall under that category. A fist pump doesn't come close to the wrong side. A fist pump on your dick? That's a bit much. There's also something to be said for pitchers that don't bat. It should be equal opportunity but life ain't fair.

Current players like Dellucci and Nelson Figueroa of the Mets need to chill. If a fist pump gets you worked up, you might have some other issues. Figueroa called the Nats "softball girls" because they were celebrating in the dugout. Guess what? It worked. Maybe he should have spent less time paying attention to them and more getting them out. Sexist twat. Me thinks that's fear of the minors talking. Bottom line? Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. It's a game. Yeah it's a job too. Let the kid do his thing. He'll grow out of it or batters will beat him like a rented mule. It's not like he's taunting the batters or throwing broken bats at them. If he does, then the batter must do what he must. Just don't be Robin Ventura.

Do You Feel Lucky

2008-05-14T07:02:00.005-04:00

You have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?

Yes. Yes I do.

Shit, guess I’m fucked.

Clint Eastwood is bringing the grizzly detective back one more time just to kill him off. We think this is a solid idea. We’re not opposed to seeing another Dirty Harry movie especially if we know it exists to give Harry a proper sendoff into the afterlife or to a dirt nap for all you atheists out there. More actors should consider a similar end for their characters. We’re looking at you, Sly. The world is begging for another Stop or My Mom Will Shoot or Judge Dredd 2: Electric Boogaloo. Rob Schneider needs a job soon before Deuce Bigalow becomes a documentary. Bonus points for Stallone if he kills off Dredd and his annoying sidekick.

The demise of Dirty Harry got us thinking. What if athletes resumed their careers just so they could go out in a blaze of glory? We tried to keep this to players are currently retired but no reason why it can’t involve active players. This probably won’t work but I’m not turning back now.

Michael Vick

Vick is released from jail and has to return to football in order to pay off his debts. He makes a team as a reserve running back only to be called into action as QB when the starter and backup both get injured. He throws for 275 yards and four touchdowns. He also runs for 89 yards and one touchdown. He becomes the new starter and his team makes a successful run to the playoffs. Vick wins Comeback Player of the Year. Meanwhile a cure for herpes is found and PETA forgives him for his past transgressions. Everything’s coming up Mexico. Vick invites his teammates to his modest house to celebrate their first-round bye. A neighbor in his cul-de-sac is washing his F-150 in his driveway. His dog jumps in the driver’s seat after smelling the Snausages his owner was eating under the seat. It inadvertently knocks the truck into drive. It rolls down the driveway and picks up speed on the decline. It flies onto Vick’s lawn and nails him just as he’s giving a toast proclaiming he’s king of the world again.

Mark Chmura

After several years out of the game and having to hear Brett Favre constantly go back and forth about coming back, Chewie decides to make his own comeback as a way to make people forget about his molestiness. He talks his way into a tryout with the Packers and somehow makes the team when every starting tight end in the NFL comes down with Ebola after a Oxfam charity trip to the Congo. The worst part is none of the Congolese know what the NFL is and keep asking the TE’s if they can give up Dikembe Mutombo’s number. Chewie's contributions end up helping Aaron Rodgers and the Packers make the NFC Championship game. They win the game in overtime and Chewie shows up big time. He pays for some teammates to hit Acapulco with him to celebrate. While they’re down there, they get separated and he runs into a cute underage girl. He can’t resist the urge and convinces her to come back to his room with her. He makes them some drinks and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in a hot tub full of ice and missing a kidney. To top it off, he suffers frostbite and has to have his foot amputated.

Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds

Roger Clemens comes back to some desperate team. Barry Bonds who just came back after finally being signed kills him with a line drive to the face only to then be killed by Mark McGwire who just came back and in a 'Roid rage fit crushes his skull when Bonds fails to tag home base after a home run. McGwire is then killed by Sammy Sosa who just came back and injects McGwire with antifreeze because Miguel Tejada told him it will make him huge, who then kills himself by accidentally shooting himself while sneezing. Fin.

Once An Assclown, Always An Assclown

2008-05-12T11:05:00.006-04:00

How could we forget Inter Milan/Italy star Marco Materazzi? He was the victim of a brutal head butt from Zinedine Zidane during the last World Cup. Oh how we cried for him. Turns out he's an asshole who deserved the head butt and it's too bad his chest didn't cave in.

One would think he would have learnt some humility but he's an Italian footballer so no such luck. One game left and Inter is nursing a slim lead over Roma for the Scudetto (Seria A Champion) thanks to another moment of madness from Materazzi against Siena yesterday.

A penalty was awarded to Inter in the 78th minute and striker Julio Cruz stepped up to take the kick. Materazzi decided that he wanted to be the hero so he pushed Cruz out of the way with his manager yelling at him and took the kick. He missed. He didn't just miss. It was an awful kick. Witness the shame that is Marco Materazzi at :23.

The game ended in a 2-2 draw. Inter fans showed up expecting to celebrate a title and instead yelled "Get back to work!" at the team after the match. That karma's a bitch.

Is Dwyane Wade Turning Into Britney Spears

2008-05-12T08:43:00.009-04:00

What the hell is going on with Dwyane Wade? His flight path seems to be taking a downward trajectory similar to Britney Spears. She had it all only to throw it away and turn into an unmitigated disaster. We’re not saying Wade is going to get knocked up by some Heat dancer but things aren’t looking too good for him these days. Only two years ago, he was on top of the world. NBA Champion, commercial darling, etc. Now is not good. Yes? The Heat? Fail. Star Jones? Fail. His new restaurant? Fail.

D. Wade’s Sports Grill in Boca Raton has closed after only two months. The Palm Beach Post reports that the restaurant opened to mixed reviews, little advertising and no D-Wade. He only showed up once since it opened.

“A note on the closed Boca restaurant's door tells fans to head to Fort Lauderdale, home of the only other D. Wade's. A third is in the works in Aventura.”

Hmm where have I heard of a similar situation? Oh that’s right. Britney’s restaurant.

Not only is another D. Wade’s in the works but he’s also looking to get into gourmet Chinese with Alonzo Mourning. Oh yeah I’m going to get Chinese from Zo and D-Wade. I’m also going to get sushi from Popeye Jones, Elijah Dukes and Raekwon while I’m at it. Rae’s a chef after all. You would have thought Star could have kept the restaurant going by herself. Don’t let that staple gun action fool you. She can still bring the ruckus.

Let’s run down the list. Britney cheated on Justin Timberlake and ended up with Kevin Federline. Wade’s marriage is falling apart and he’s seen hanging with Star Jones. Britney was on top of the charts and selling out shows before crashing and burning on the VMAs. Wade was an NBA championship team which has become a lottery team that can’t sell half their seats.** Her restaurant failed miserably and so did his. He hasn’t quite caught the crazy yet but hanging with Star Jones is definitely suspect.

Wade could use an intervention before it’s too late. We suggest Sir Charles and Montell Williams ambush him Cheaters style when he’s out with Star and break him down on camera. Fuck the whales. Save the Wade!

**We can’t put attendance on him. Sports have no business in Miami. They could be some of the worst fans in America.

Lucas Licht Is Better Than You

2008-05-12T07:00:00.000-04:00

National Xtreme Baseball Is Finally Upon Us

2008-05-12T00:15:00.000-04:00

May 10th 2008...a day that will live in infamy as National Xtreme Baseball starts its inagural season. You may remember way back when when we first caught a glimpse of the spectacle that is National Xtreme Baseball, well now it has finally come into it's own as an official league. Not that it takes a lot to become an official league. Anyway, the first real game (not the exhibition games they've been playing for the past year) was Saturday, May 10th, 2008 and it pit the Daytona Stingrays against the Miami Pythons, which are Xtreme team names for sure. Daytona won the contest 12-4 and I'm sure you really cared about that.

We're gonna try to track down actual video of the game, but if you want, you can see some photos of the game's events with a snappy soundtrack below. We're expecting big things for this league (not really) but it sure is nice to reminisce about when sports blogging weird shit was easy because stuff just leaped out at you. Nowadays a man's gotta actually work for his blogging stories...dammit.

NXBL Home Page here

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Federale

2008-05-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

If it ain't a drug dealer, it's a drum. Something will get a federale these days.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

What Every Sox Fan Needs

2008-05-12T00:08:00.000-04:00

Can a Red Sox fan's life be complete without one of these? Look closely, that's not just a bunch of ticket stubs, no, it's actually a wallet made of ticket stubs. It's actually got 10 slots on the inside for cards and 1 big slot for cash, even tho you can't see it. Its all from the good people at Refinding who take old crap and turn it into stuff like wallets and belts and other stuff. Interesting concept, but I hope these fine people expand their ticket stub collection to more than just BoSox stuff, ya know, in case you aren't a fan of said team. Neat stuff though.

Find BoSox Stub Wallets here

Lock, Stock And One Footballing Dutchman

2008-05-10T17:55:00.008-04:00

One more post for today before I leave my mom's basement. We forgot to post the full version of Nike's "The Next Level" commercial featuring more Nike-sponsored footballers than you can shake a stick at. I guess Guy Ritchie had to find something to do while his wife fights the Malawian authorities, freaks Justin Timberlake and pretends to kiss underage girls.

1. I thought I spotted a John Terry lookalike around :43. I doubt it because Chelsea's sponsored by Adidas.

2. Madonna should leave more often.

2008-05-10T14:54:00.003-04:00

Dave Attell + The Gong Show = Result

Hey Thaksin, Leave Our Sven Alone

2008-05-10T12:36:00.006-04:00

Not quite as catchy as "Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!" but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson's seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to "lack of results". The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There's no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It's not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager "Big Phil" Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There's talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson's firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There's another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn't make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.

Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.

The Sauce Clause Lies In Wait

2008-05-10T11:35:00.005-04:00

Bob Huggins hasn't changed much over the years. From his eating habits to his mobility, the West Virginia basketball coach is determined to stay the same no matter what.

Huggins is still getting around as though he's under the influence. He tripped over a cone and smacked his head on the tarmac while leaving a plane in Charlotte. The coach never lost consciousness but was taken to a hospital as a precautionary measure as he was feeling dizzy. Our first thought was that he made nice with the drink cart but it seems to be nothing but mere clumsiness. The Tipsy McStagger Clause has not been triggered so you can relax.

One would think Huggins would be more careful. This is the same guy who had to be shocked back to life three times after suffering a "massive heart attack" almost six years ago yet is proud of not changing his habits.

"It's the same thing you do New Year's Eve," he said. "You say, 'I'm going to do this,' and about the 3rd of January you're back doing what you did before. I haven't really changed all that much. I would love to sit here and tell you that I probably eat better, but look at me. That's obviously not the case.''

A man of habit. The same theory probably holds true for the graduation rate of his players. "I gotta get this back down to zero ... Hey! What the fuck are you doing reading? Who taught you that shit?"

Thanks to Don T for the tip.

You Know You Love It

2008-05-10T11:30:00.001-04:00

All you aspiring porn moguls beware. Let the story of former Australian porn kingpin Greg Lasrado be a warning to you. Don't take pictures with Bill Clinton. He'll only bring you down.

2008-05-10T11:20:00.005-04:00

Photo: Mike Cassese/Reuters

Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

2008-05-09T01:15:00.002-04:00

There are certain things that should never go together like Vito Fossella and drunk driving or Ted Kennedy and channels. Who knew drunk driving makes love children?

Another deadly combination is athletes and music. There are always exceptions like Wayman Tisdale but the usual result is Carl Lewis or Deion Sanders. Could Jon Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba do better? Unlikely but they're going to try anyway. The Chelsea players are collaborating on some hip-hop tracks. If there's one thing footballers can't do, it's make music. If you doubt me, try this, this or this. I'll never look at John Barnes the same way again.

Joel Knows Donkey Kicks

2008-05-09T01:08:00.000-04:00

It's still not a spinning donkey kick but it's a start.

Hard Working Americans Aren't The Only Ones Being Screwed By NAFTA

2008-05-09T01:00:00.000-04:00

Chin up white peop...I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren't the only ones they're trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That's because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico's eventual takeover of the US. It's a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don't know why Rev. Al's wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle's about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin', permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

2008-05-08T08:59:00.003-04:00

When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Cookin With The Oak

2008-05-08T08:34:00.005-04:00

Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he's decided to make his name in the world of cooking.

Page Six reports that Oakley has already filmed three episodes of his new cooking show, Cafe Oakley.

The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak's fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak's beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, "Drink 10 beers."

The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson's Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche's Hooker Hanger Steak.

Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven't seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:

Bobby Engram Hearts Mike Holmgren

2008-05-08T08:10:00.006-04:00

Awww! Seahawk WR Bobby Engram's too shy to tell his coach Mike Holmgren that he choo-choo chooses him in person so he thought he would drop off a letter early before practice. It didn't work for Ralph Wiggum so Engram's chances aren't looking too good.

"I kind of enjoy that," Holmgren kidded. "It means he graduated from college and he can type."

The letter is assumed to contain Engram's demands for mo' money**. He dropped the letter off and left before the start of minicamp.

Engram wants a new deal from the Seahawks however the team wants him to play out this coming season before negotiating a new deal. He's coming off a career season in which he had 1147 yards. Woo. He did attend a mandatory camp last Friday. Chad Johnson called to call him a sellout.

It doesn't seem as though Holmgren is too concerned. He said that Engram "is an emotional player" so this isn't unexpected. Hopefully there will be videotape of the moment Engram's heart breaks when Holmgren tells him that he's not getting what he wants.

**You thought you were getting Stacey Dash, didn't you?

Finally Someone Who Won't Fight Back

2008-05-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

Very Big Club Newcastle United has fallen on hard times over the past couple years after finding domestic and European glory. Winning the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 is a massive achievement. Have you won it? I didn't think so.

Despite the lack of success on the pitch, Newcastle claims to have fans that will see the club through thick and thin. St. James Park is always filled to its 50,000+ capacity for every match by loyal and... What's that? They give tickets away? Of course they do. All teams have corporate and family seats. What do you mean they're not exactly corporate or family seats?

The BBC reports that Newcastle distributes four season tickets a year to recovering drug addicts as a way to "help them on the path to recovery".

"The tickets are provided on the understanding that they are used, as part of a package of measures, to particularly help young people who have had substance misuse problems, and are making clear progress and showing a genuine commitment to living a normal, structured life.

"We thank the club for this generous gesture that goes a long way towards re-introducing people to a structured way of life."

It's not clear how going to a Newcastle match would help addicts adapt to living a sober life. Have you ever been to Newcastle? There's nothing to do but drink and use drugs. Have you ever watched Newcastle play? It'll make you want to drink and do drugs. Even when they're not playing, they're not setting a good example:

2008-05-07T09:46:00.001-04:00

Ja! Check out the latest installment of Michael Ballack's Secret Diary. It's wunderbar.

The Tipsy McStagger Clause

2008-05-07T09:29:00.005-04:00

Time to get paid, blow up like the...too soon? Bob Huggins is getting some serious paper from West Virgina. His contract was made public and shows that he stands to make at least $20 million over the next 10 years before incentives.

The contract does note that he can be fired for being drunk or using drugs.

The contract stipulates Huggins can be fired for substance abuse or habitual intoxication affecting his job performance. A West Virginia spokesman said that is a standard clause in employment contracts.

I wonder if there's a graduation rate clause. Somehow I doubt it.