My Journey

Motivation

2009-11-01T12:42:00.003-05:00

I wanted to talk about motivation a little bit right now. I was thinking about it earlier and how my motivation ebbs and flows as I near the completion of my undergraduate career. I think I will write this on the perspective of my life and i guess it will be a relatively short autobiography which will be summed up with my aspirations and motivations hopes and dreams, but then again it may evolve as I write it as I simply write strean of conscious material on my blog and try to keep it coherent since I do not proofread my entries either.

I was in the process of having a stroke when I was born. I was born in Fort Bragg, NC they flew me off to Duke hospital. The right side of my brain was dead according to the CT scan. I remember growing up and not being able to put on a glove because I couldn't control my fingers to get them in the right holes I would have to use my right hand and place my fingers in the holes individually. I also couldn't feel much with the left side of my body, still can't. My mom told me for having a stroke, I had it at the perfect time. I guess I was a fighter. Still am. I remember being in kindergarten, and there was a kid named paul, apparently he was smart, they gave him a first grade math book, so he could practice doing problems. I asked for one but they said I didn't know enough math to be able to get one. I didn't care I still wanted one, alas they always refused. I remember when I was in first grade, public school, I sat in the back row, we didn't have assigned seating. I was always bored. My mother got called in by the teacher she said they thought I was slow and I wouldn't complete first grade. I did, then my mother moved me to a different school, a private school, she told them about what the public school said and that she didn't agree with them, and that I just needed to be motivated. The private school agreed with them, and said it wouldn't be a problem they would do what was required to get me to succeed.
I was motivated at first, I remember I would raise my hand to answer every question and it got to the point where the teachers wouldn't call on me any more, I guess so other students would have a chance to answer. So I trailed off again, I couldn't do what I was excited to do, I lost motivation. I just didn't care any more, no one gave a hoot about what I knew so I didn't bother learning what they wanted me to learn. I remember pissing a teacher off so bad because I didn't want to do the in class work she flipped my desk over and yelled at me and said 'I don't care what you want to do you do the damn work!' I did it.
My dad was never motivated unless it came to beating me. I remember being hit so hard I couldn't walk for 2 days, I guess he liked to save that for the weekends. I regularly told him to go fuck himself and that always seemed to piss him off and he would hit me more ferociously than before. He would tell me that this wouldn't be happening if I would just keep my mouth shut. I couldn't. I guess I wouldn't give him that power to control me. I guess I was a fighter. Still am.
It got tough though, my parents were always fighting by the time I was in sixth grade, that depressed me, so I didn't do any more work than I had to. I barely made it out of sixth and seventh grade. I was getting at least one detention a week and I got suspended twice. Once was out of school for a week, which I really enjoyed. My mother knew how tough things were for me, so she let me stay home and do whatever I wanted. Another time it was an in school suspension. I spent seven hours a day cutting soup labels in a room by myself. I didn't mind, I had an imaginary friend, and I talked to myself often.
Finally eighth grade rolled around, it was time to start looking at high schools. I didn't care but living in the city my mother was determined to not let me go to the public school there. For where I lived I would've gone to the high school named "City" which had (and probably still does) a huge crime problem. So I guess for her sake I applied to 3 high schools. Polytechnic Institute of Baltimore, Loyola Blakefield, and Calvert Hall. I didn't like calvert hall. They were all really stupid. Teacher and student alike. They rejected me, essentially sending me a letter saying I was too stupid, it actually offended my mother. I never saw the letter to Poly, my mother told me I didn't get in, but I think I did, but she probably didn't want me to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. It was narrow, but I made it into Loyola. Not sure how, my grades were terrible. Well I think I do. My math teacher who was my friend wrote me a recommendation letter. I never asked anyone for a recommendation letter, I pissed off all my teachers often enough that it was a waste of time. I guess he saw through the bullshit.
I still remember it like it was yesterday, I applied to these places, and I had one guy in my class tell me I was too stupid to get in. That didn't phase me. Fuck people. I don't need them. Then literally a week later, my father called me stupid. It felt like my insides just dissolved. I cried in my room for hours. He finally came up to see what was wrong, and he laughed the whole time trying to tell me why he didn't mean I was stupid. I eventually got over that and just entertained his shit to get him to leave.
Finally middle school was over. One condition of my acceptance was to take remedial reading math and science courses. I thought it was bullshit. My grades sucked, but I was 98th percentile for science and 60-70th percentile for reading and math in the standardized tests I took every year at school and that was with a fucked up family life. Fuck them I knew I was a god damn genius. Whatever I did it got through it and then started high school. I remember wanting to go into spanish 2 and they wouldn't let me. I fought so hard, but the teacher kept saying no. I even told her to stick me in for two weeks, and if I am failing I'll come back she never acquiesced. I was bored, I did no work again. I knew myself. No one else did. It didn't matter though, a shit storm was brewing that would fuck me up for years.
My parents started going through a bitter divorce that took all of high school. I was so depressed. I did nothing. Literally. I slept 20 hours a day on the weekends, wouldn't sleep at all during the week. I hated my teachers they would always talk down to me, I knew everything they were teaching so I guess thats why I made it through, I didn't have to study and I could do well on the tests but never did the homework so always made it through by the skin of my ass. I did my best though.
Finally my parents split. My mom gets an apartment, my dad keeps the house. I live with my dad because I figure he needs me more than my mom. He talked shit about her all the time. I couldn't take it. One day I decided to help my mom out, so I brought her a side table from the house so she'd have something to put her stuff on, since she literally had nothing at the time. My dad flipped out, I brought the side table back, and his bullshit excuse was he needed it. Well I came home from school one day and it was bashed up in pieces on the floor, and he yelled at me telling me not to ever take anything out of the house ever again. It was all his. Of course he pissed me off, so I skipped school that day, waited for him to leave and took everything I could fit in my car and drove off with it. I was worn down, and could barely get out of bed, but I kept pushing. My dad had a pretty big appetite for drugs and lying. He emptied my bank account twice. The second time I was old enough to tell him to go fuck himself. I stole his car and told him he could have it back for all the money he took out of my bank account. I kept on fighting. Winning never mattered just getting back up is all that counted.
We had a big fight one night, me and my dad. I remember arguing with him. Its all a blur really, but I remember he said he was going to beat the shit out of me. I walked up to him, put my arms to my side and I said "go ahead, beat the shit out of me, but I will get back up and I want you to tell me what it will have solved." He looked puzzled, and he said "I guess it would solve nothing," I reply, "no shit" and walk out the door and walk 4 miles to my friends house in the rain.
Now its time to go to college, I didn't want to go, I didn't care. Why would I anyways? My advisor told me I should just go to a trade school. I told her I wanted to apply to Carnegie Mellon and MIT and Caltech and JHU. She told me not to bother. I wasn't stupid. I knew my chances with a 2.0 GPA. I wasn't looking for some bitch to tell me what I couldn't do I was looking for someone to tell me what I could do. Apparently nothing...I ended up applying to unc charlotte, got in their mechanical engineering program. I didn't like it I came home at the end of the first year.
Things changed after that. I was turning 19, my mother was telling me to move out, that most people my age have already made a life for themselves. I told her I haven't I still want to go to school. So what did she do? She told me I needed to get a full time job. I did. I also went to teh local community college full time. I was so depressed, I always missed classes. I told my mother I was depressed, she told me I wasn't. I had to argue with her for so long, finally I was able to go see a psych. Turns out they were all terrible and I did a better job at fixing myself than they ever could...I didn't need someone to tell the same story week after week. I needed a reason for why things were the way they were. I figured it out on my own.
Then one summer I decided to take linear algebra, just for fun, because people told me it was easy. I got a 35 on the first test and I broke down in tears. The only consoling words I got out of my mother were 'sometimes people reach their limits' I believe I told her to fuck off. I don't really remember though. I ended up getting a B in the class. I kept fighting. I had nothing else going for me. My mother wanted me out, I had no friends around, I worked a horrible job. I kept pushing.
I asked the same teacher I had for linear algebra to write me a recommendation letter to UMBC. I got in :) I finally felt like I was succeeding. I decided to major in biochemical engineering, only for the money though. I hated school, so it was a business opportunity for me. I spent over a year arguing with my mother. She told me the best I could expect was to make 30k out of college and I should pick an easier major. I had documents to prove to her that wasn't the case. She didn't buy it. So one day, second semester junior year she comes up to me and says "you seem like you're working awfully hard, maybe you should switch majors." I said "no shit this isn't easy maybe you need to go away." She told me it just didn't look like I was enjoying my work. I told her its tough and it won't get any easier and I am not changing my major, I am almost a senior, thats just stupid.
Then one day, a year or so later, her whole attitude changed. I think her new husband did some research and found out what kind of money I would be making. Things went from no one supporting me and telling me to give up to my mother essentially bending over backwards to make it so I could focus on school. I was pissed. What a shitty way to be a mother. Instead of actually supporting your son to help him succeed, support him so you can reap the benefits of his success. I brought this to her attention and she tells me she was just doing what she thought was best for me at the time. Really what she meant to say was she was doing what she thought was best for her at the time. I am bitter about it. But at least she didn't leave me on the street when I was a kid, so I guess that counts for something.
I gotta say I'm pretty fucked up in the head. I know the difference between right and wrong, but I don't know why beyond a text book definition. I can't empathize. I can only know why people are sad or happy. I know pain, I've felt it. I've never been afraid of it. I know pain when I see it. I know strength. I know strength can be used to inflict pain. I know it can also be used to make things better. I put my effort in, I know how to act normal now. I know how to be social too. I have always had a drive to be accepted. On some level I have been, but I don't consider it necessary. My real drive is to not be limited by other people's limitations. I have enjoyed my life. I wouldn't change it for anything, I have a purpose because of it. It makes me feel more human I guess. Sometimes I feel like being human is a huge weakness, but I figured its not the human aspect that is the weakness, its the animal part of being human that is the weakness.
Motivation.

Clarity...

2009-07-29T22:30:00.004-05:00

Late night. I slept as soon as I got home. Money issues seem to be fading away :) I got awarded the pell grant for all its worth, $5350. Now I only need another 1800 per semester to pay for school. I got the mother figure on my ass to sell the car. I don't think i'll be doing that. Her alternatives are foolish. Anyhow, I am in the home stretch, I know its about 9 months, but its only 30 weeks of school. Not much, just have to power through. I started applying for jobs, I figure it'll take damn near a year to get hired for a job I actually want.
As for that guy on the right, thats Nobuo Uematsu, the composer of the Final Fantasy sound tracks. I'm listening to his stuff right now.
I've been stuck with muscle soreness for a while I have plateaued at the gym, I am taking this week easy hopefully some active recovery will help.

money...i still need some.

2009-07-14T21:31:00.003-05:00

Well I've been trying to save up enough money to pay for tuition plus pay off my credit cards. Seems like I can't do both. I have 3 more paychecks. If I don't spend any money whatsoever I will be golden if I actually get this grant. If I don't get the grant I'm effed. if I do then I just need to find a way to pay for my last semester. I'm pretty much at a loss. I think I'll ask if I can stay on during the semester. at least then I can save up a little more.

I know not

2009-07-12T19:24:00.003-05:00

The weekend draws to a close. What did I do this weekend you ask? I went and watched UFC 100 with some friends. I made 5 mixes. I cleaned portions of my room. I bought an external sound card and monitor. To me this is a pretty uneventful weekend. I know it wasn't though. I feel like I shouldve done more. I feel like I'm not in the right place. I have this feeling like I am supposed to be elsewhere, helping something, but I don't know where it is, or what it is. This feeling is always with me, but I block it easily. I will find out soon I believe. I have a long way to go. I don't mind the journey, I just don't like to be left hanging.

Mumbles.

2009-07-12T18:43:00.002-05:00

Well I got back into DJing. Bought a 22" wide screen monitor and an external soundcard. I have 2 more semesters and im finished school. These will be tough semesters I hope I find time to lift, and DJ and win at school. If I have to I will just focus on school. Chances are i'll be working also. Probably 20 hours a week which will get me about $1000 a month. I will like that. If I get this grant for school I'll end up making enough money to pay for school and have a little extra left over. Ideally I would like to have enough money to buy a desktop with some power. Something sub $1000 but I won't do that unless I know for sure I have the money coming in. I am currently uploading all my old mixes and new mixes (which in terms of beat matching suck balls, but track lists are awesome) and I will post them here for your "pleasure". Brb bathroom. Ok back. Well I forgot what I was gunna say. But I suppose it will be all summed up with this...as long as I can keep working I will be in a good spot for the next year at least. Peace out.

New Life.

2009-07-05T16:00:00.003-05:00

Three day weekend. Spent most of it recovering from being tired. I slept 12-14 hours thurs to fri then fri to sat then sat to sun. Nothing got done. I cleaned my room. Simply didn't make any thing I wanted to. I have time now, but I am mildly content just sitting and counting the minutes til I have to go to bed so I can wake up and go to work. I know I shouldn't be this way. I should just push myself and keep going, do what I planned to do, but I'm just recharging so I have no desire. I'm glad I have the place to myself. Makes me wish for my own place sooo bad. Perhaps next summer. Living with people is the worst thing ever.
Nice summer so far. Job's been pretty swell, though I wish I had more hours. I do nothing with my free time. Its a strange feeling. I am off at 430 or earlier monday through friday. I goto the gym, I am out by 730-800. Some days when I need to decide to go swimming/running/biking for an extra 30 minutes I tell myself "no" its getting too late. Too late for what? To go home and sit on my ass? I just don't follow through. Here is the weekend and a three day weekend at that, and if it were any shorter I would feel like I had no weekend at all and have that feeling of being waterboarded. I dunno, I think I just expect to have large chunks of time to be able to finish a project and when I don't I just don't start it since I know I won't finish. Some days I drink caffiene to give myself the jolt to get shit done. Usually never works unless I was already pumped to do it. I've picked myself apart like this before. It never changes anything. Never ever does. I am enjoying ATB's new album. I want my own gym. I want the money to goto school. I gotta fill out those papers. I think I will go do that now. Mail them out tomorrow. I just wish I could go to the top of a tall ass building, like the WTC and sit there and enjoy the weather. I wouldnt mind getting the itch for BASE jumping again. Well scratching the itch anyway.

Beach

2009-06-14T19:25:00.003-05:00

I went to the beach this weekend. I had a good time I suppose. I didn't swim as much as I wanted. It started out with me putting in my facebook status I was going to the beach and generally when I say I am going to go do something people ignore me. Not this time. My plan was to drive down to the beach enjoy my time, swim a bit, enjoy the little sun, and just be by myself because I generally dislike people. Well once everyone read my status I got texts and phone calls and all kinds of crap to go to the beach, and sure enough, I said sure why not. It was actually this one girl who got in touch with me after a bit that made me want to get people to come. She was just cool to hang out with in moderation for the past month so I figured it'd be pretty chill having her around at the beach, but this also meant I couldn't just sleep in my car like I originally intended, so I had to get a hotel, which I was ok with. Then the whole idea of going to the beach faded because "we" couldn't find a place to stay, so I let things slide so perhaps I could go on my own. Two days later I find out about 10 more people want to go and we can stay at a friends house down there. So whatever we went. Well turns out the girl I was hoping would come down and be chill to hang with was ridiculously obnoxious and incredibly not the type of person I want to ever take anywhere. Then the other people were ok, and a few were decent to hang with. Over all I got totally drained by the obnoxious ones, and others I couldn't get away from. I ended up calling the obnoxious one a terrible person before we left. I said it in jest, but I think I meant it. Which makes me sad, but all she did the whole weekend was bust balls and scream. She wins the award for being the continously loudest person ever. I'm out.

So good news...bad news...

2009-06-10T20:20:00.002-05:00

Good news is I passed my final. Bad news is I am starting a pretty retarded diet tomorrow. You got it, its the ketogenic diet. here is the break down:

1.Figure out your lean body mass.
2. Multiply lean body mass by 1.5 for grams of protein per day.
3. Multiply gram of protein per day x 4 to figure out calories from protein.
4. Divide calories of protein per day by 9 to get grams of fat needed per day.

No direct carbs. No bread, no gum, none of that ish. Im gunna see how it turns out. Skipping carbs is no big deal for me. Its the 350g aka 1440 calories of protein I am supposed to eat per day considering your average chicken breast is 20g I would have to eat 18 of those a day...We will see how this turns out. I am just trying to lose 20-30 lbs of fat I don't think I need. Ok done writing, bye.

2009-06-04T10:01:00.001-05:00

I'm still nervous but I studied at work for the past hour or so. I know alot of stuff but I'm pretty scurred she'll ask questions about stuff I don't know much about. I think a campus aided all nighter is in order.

2009-06-04T08:08:00.001-05:00

Well I my final retest tomorrow at 530pm I'm nervous as balls. I just got an email from my teacher essentially saying that I now need a 59 on my final to pass when before she said I needed a 55. In the big scheme, not a big deal but damnit every little bit helps. I felt infinitely more secure about getting a 55 than getting a 59. I just hope when it's all said and done this chapter is over and I don't need to fight to move on. We will see though. This email may scare me enough to pull another all nighter except tho time I may camp out on campus rather than in my room. God I'm so fucking nervous, I think the last time I felt this nervous a cop pulled me over for going down a one way street the wrong way in the city.

2009-06-04T01:52:00.001-05:00

Wasted this whole fucking week. I slept from 530 to 1030 this evening in hopes to fucking study only to do half a fucking problem and decide the fucking books answer is wrong which took all of 30 minutes. Now I'm fucking pissed because all I can do is think about how I have no money and will continue to have no money so who gives a shot if I make it throught this class I'll be fucking broke come august anyway and have no way to pay for school regardless of passing or not. I'm fucking sick of the road blocks I need to get the fuck out of this house and away from everyone I know I just want to start a new life without the input of my fucked up family. Yeah yeah I know everyones family is fucked up worst than the next but I'm irritated to all hell by them and thus far the best time I've had in my life is when they weren't around at all.

Slow...

2009-05-27T21:35:00.005-05:00

I don't know why I am in such a hurry to finish... whats next? nothing I would just be done one thing. I lift. I goto school. School is in my way. They take my money, they use my time. They end up fucking me over. When I lift I take my time. Its a process. I have no where to go with it. Sometimes I think about juicing just to get to the end faster, but there is no end, and I know I would just kick myself in the end. Life, I just want to hurry up and get to the finish line. Its so ingrained in my attitude, I don't know if I can stop thinking this way. My mind is so cluttered. I won't be held back this time.

Why can't I just enjoy the process. Why can't I just love life, regardless of the outcome. Because...independent of success, I find a need to show I did something...I've done nothing.

Interesting Realization

2009-05-04T19:34:00.003-05:00

So one week left in the semester. Last night at work I realized what I have been doing all semester long. At first I would go in and try to study. I couldn't of course, because there was always shit to do. Then I got to the point where I stopped studying but then I stopped actually trying to do stuff outside my main responsibilities. Such as clean up or prep work or whatever. I realized why too. I'm always tired. I'm tired when I go to work, I'm tired when I goto school, I'm tired when I wake up I'm tired when I goto sleep. I get in this "energy conservation" mode where I try to do as little as possible so I can make it through the next day but it never gets better. In the end I shot myself in the foot. I've done poorly in school, and I've done mediocre at work. I will just work when I am at work and I hope I can just school when I am at school. I only have 1 class I just need to pass then this job will be done come august. 3 class days left. What's done is done. I can't make up for it, butI can definitely pull the pity card and hope for enough to make it through this class. Enough for now I need to go lament on how I have to be at work in 2 hours.

I wonder if her feelings coincide with mine.

2009-04-24T17:11:00.002-05:00

Today I became free from the past. Able to move forward and feel young and foolish again. Willing and excited to see what and who else is abounding in this great land. Like a high school child who falls in love with the first person he sees time and time again with no sense of guilt or recollection on the past.

Times change.

2009-04-23T16:23:00.002-05:00

The more one is severed from the world, from desires, from human affairs, and conditions, the more impervious does one become to the tests of God. Tests are a means by which a soul is measured as to its fitness, and proven out by its own acts. God knows its fitness beforehand, and also its unpreparedness, but man, with an ego, would not believe himself unfit unless proof were given him. Consequently his susceptibility to evil is proven to him when he falls into the tests, and the tests are continued until the soul realizes its own unfitness, then remorse and regret tend to root out the weakness. The same test comes again in greater degree, until it is shown that a former weakness has become a strength, and the power to overcome evil has been established.

Live in the Moment

2009-03-23T17:32:00.004-05:00

I am lying here typing on my blog, thinking about living in the moment. I lie here and stare at my torn up knuckles from fiercely punching that automatic paper towel dispenser last night because it wouldn't give me a paper towel. I look at my finger nails that I have chewed up because they were too long and I didn't have a nail clipper handy. I look at the scars I have because of the slips I had with knives I used to open boxes or cut branches or dig holes. All living in the moment.
I goto work every day. I am better at my job than most because, well, I do my job. Yet every day I hear about how I am going to lose my job. I am sick of it. I need money too much to lose my job. Its so stressful. All I think about is how will I pay my bills, how will I finish school, fuck how will I pass this semester with all this bullshit stress. So I give up. For one I will look for a new job. For two, I will only worry about the day I am currently in. Fuck the next day, fuck the previous day. I need to study so I will study. I need to work, so I will work. I need to eat so I will. I just want to live in the moment. I think we all get better at it when the future looks so bleak. Just enjoy what we have, without ruining it for everyone else and still being around for the next day. Ok I have to go. Good bye.

Weird How The Past Works

2009-03-15T12:57:00.002-05:00

Oddly enough I am procrastinating working on my 4th 5th 6th and probably 7th cup of coffee today (3 mugs of joe at home and now a large mocha from caribou coffee), and I've been reflecting on life. I can remember when we lived at the apartment, for the most part it was nice. I think I liked the atmosphere of the apartment building, it always looked and smelled like I was walking into a hotel. Life definitely sucked more then. But I don't remember that. I remember what it felt like to wake up with the sun on my face, the smell of the hall ways, the ritual of walking down the hallway to do my laundry. I miss it, even though life is way better now. Considering I have disposable income, a house, a new car, stability, really everything everyone wants. I think when the stress gets up there, in my case from the job, I think of simplier times. Of course everything in the past is a simplier time, probably because my worries were simplier. I wasn't worried about moving out, I wasn't worried about keeping my job, I wasn't worried about how I will pay my bills. In the apartment my biggest worry was whether or not I was going to get into UMBC. Different time really, with a false sense of managability and in 5 years time I will think the same about today.

Fucking tired...

2009-02-15T05:24:00.003-05:00

I am so fucking tired of people. What is it that pisses me off now? I'm fucking exhausted of 'being there' for my 'friends' but not have a single person be around when I'm just looking for a damn break from it all. Guess I am back to square one. Screw everyone, I'm looking out for myself. I can say I've got one or two real friends but of the hundreds of people I know I've got nothing between any of them. Time to clean up and move on.

Seneca

2008-12-17T01:37:00.006-05:00

Ok so I haven't done anything yet, just felt like I should mention some stuff. Hopefully you noticed the quote on the page header by now.

«It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.» --Seneca

Well I find this to be the truth. You chose to run 3 miles a day, first time you do it it takes 40 minutes, 100 times later, it only takes 20 minutes. How many people give up? If you eat too much you get fat, people have the opportunity to say 'no i'll skip this gluttonous feast and see if it kills me' but they don't. Speaking of gluttons how about that article on how your brain tells you whether or not you'll be fat by age 5. Blame it all on genes, fact is if there is no food around you won't be fat. Theres no discipline and everyone says it ok. Lets all get rich quick but lets not put any effort forward. Good luck. Anyway give it some effort, if you think you have, and you still fail, clearly you haven't. Don't fuck with me I know. Try harder.

Nostalgia

2008-12-17T00:50:00.002-05:00

Well I slept all day(1130-400, 700-1130) because I didn't feel too well so, I guess I'm up all night. I'm feeling pretty nostalgic, I'm listening to trance from 2005-2007. Pretty odd since I was out of the scene since late 2004. I built a system for production and mixing in 2004 and by summer of 2005 I was selling it all. Funny thing about memories, they always seem better or worse than they actually were. I was in the same position then as I am now, except a few less internal conflicts at this point. Everyone knows the economy is in the crapper and the united states is going out of business but hope is always a wonderful driving factor. Its what kept john conner going during the robot wars, and it kept john mcclain from jumping out of the window of the tall building when fighting severus snape (besides that whole sense of duty and all).

Well like these fools I think I will make the best of what I have going on. Being nostalgic isn't too bad, doesn't solve too much. I still need a job, still need to pay for school, still need a place to live. Lets hope all this comes soon. I dont mind living out of my car but I really need a job too, I've got bills to pay. I guess I can find something on campus if nothing good comes from this shitball hiatus I've been on. Can't say its been a total shitball though, found some grants to apply for, which I wouldve never looked for if I'd been working full time, but who knows maybe I would have. Got to do soul searching and such, nothing spectactular but figured out what I gotta do and I'm going through with it. Welp, I think I'll start writing that grant, I've already wasted a whole day might as well not waste a whole night.

Propose?

2008-12-15T22:10:00.002-05:00

So I decided I'm going to write two grant proposals this week. One for my business idea and one for my saving the world idea. One i'll pimp out to the EPA and Obama and the other to venture capitalist. The end.

Value

2008-12-15T20:34:00.003-05:00

Value, pretty simply, I think we can sum it up with 'getting something for nothing' or perhaps 'getting more than you paid for.' I would say we're coming full circle as a society. Assuming we don't destroy ourselves we're getting back to the one on one approach and the build a better product mentality, which for the longest time has been overtaken by the get rich quick mentality. As we see the balance of power shift from all powerful America to all powerful China and wealth being distributed amongst the planet, perhaps the first time in history, just having a reputation isn't good enough. Our focus should now be shifting to what gives value. Anyone can buy an mp3 player, from anywhere in the world, so why buy one thats 2 times the money in america when you get the same face to face time you do with someone from China. Below is a nice article I didn't ask permission to reprint or any of that crap (I mean seriously if you need to have your balls stroked every time someone wants to recreate your material you need a hobby). Enjoy.

Henry Ford said, "Wealth, like happiness, is never attained when sought after directly. It comes as a by-product of providing a useful service."
In other words, when you focus on providing value, people respond. I've spoken with many new, small business owners who wear many hats. While they understand their product or service completely, they struggle with the sales process.
It seems they have preconceived ideas based on their own experiences of salespeople. You know the ones - they're dressed to the nines, have nice (though probably large) jewelry, are aggressive, pushy, and loud. Most of the time, they're the last person you care to deal with. However, they're also intimidating, almost larger than life.
Where do you think the phrase, ‘buyer's remorse' came from? It came from people who were pressured into buying something they really didn't want or need.
No wonder these small business owners feel trepidation!
Well, fear not. The key is in your focus. When you focus on adding value, on providing a useful service, people will perceive you as someone who cares about them. Wouldn't you rather do business with someone who was focused on making your life or business better?
So, how to make that happen. consider this:
1. You started your business because you thought you had a product or service that would benefit other people, or other businesses.
2. You need to get that message out.
3. You don't like dealing with pushy, aggressive salespeople who are only interested in making the sale, so you don't want to be that kind of salesperson.
4. You have to find those people/businesses who can benefit from your product/service.
Now that we've laid the foundation, there are three simple principles to follow:
1. Put yourself in front of people. this includes the people in your circles of influence.
Your first circle includes: Friends, family, parents of your children's schoolmates and teammates, and fellow church/synagogue members.
Your next circle includes: People you grew up with, went to college with, lived near if you've moved during your adult years, previous clients, and old co-workers. As you can see, this circle is removed a bit. That's okay. Remember, even if they can't use your product or service, they may know someone who can.
Create circles: Attend local networking events, join a business referral group, join local associations relevant to your business, join some sort of social action group like kiwanis or rotary, join internet communities.
1. In the circles you've created, set your goals on learning as much as you can about as many people as you can. Show genuine interest in them. When you are interested in others, they'll be interested in you. If you can help them solve a problem, do it; even if it means pointing them toward someone else's product or service. You'll be seen as someone who adds value.
2. Educate - don't sell. Assume that the person you are talking to doesn't have a need for what you have to offer. They simply want to get to know you better. When people ask you about your business, explain it, don't try to sell them on your product or service. Emphasize the benefits, not the features - what is the value of your product/service. Speak about your business with the passion you truly feel for it. Passion is contagious!
If you follow these three principles, your focus will be on adding value. This will resonate with people. Even if they have no need for your product or service, chances are they know someone who does. You'll find business you weren't even expecting!
Copyright© 2007 Seize This Day Coaching

Influencer: The Power to Change Anything

2008-12-15T04:43:00.006-05:00

I got this book on audio and I have to say its awesome. I suggest you take a look. If you look at the bottom of this post there is a link to the googlebooks version of it. Its pretty much a chicken soup for the soul type deal, except instead of giving you reasons why you shouldn't feel bad about yourself since your problems primarily extend from your self-absorbed narcissistic nature, it gives you stories on how you can suck less at life and perhaps take responsibility for your path in life and stop being a pain in the ass. Check out the review below:

Customer review from the Amazon Vine™ Program (What's this?)
This is an interesting, easy-to-read guide toward building one's ability to influence others and to thereby create constructive change. Building upon the work of Albert Bandura, Stanley Milgram, and other psychologists who specialized in social learning theory, the authors of Influencer: The Power to Change Anything went hunting for people, all over the world, who were able to accomplish major tasks by influencing people to change their behavior. The authors then analyzed what these expert influencers did, so as to give the reader ideas on how to exert influence in more effective ways. The authors also included several examples of major efforts to bring about change, that failed dramatically, and gave their view of what was missing in those change campaigns.

So, what did the authors find? Most persistent problems that seem immune to change efforts, have one, or both, of two factors in common: the people involved do not feel capable of making the change; the people involved do not feel that the proposed change would be an improvement. In other words, the factors are ability and motivation. The authors also looked at three different levels, for each problem: the individual, the social group, the environment of the situation. Thus, if you want to influence people to make a change, there are six basic loci for change input: individual ability (i.e., skill training), individual motivation (e.g., incentives), group ability (e.g., increase networking), group motivation (e.g., modeling and healthy competition), environmental assets (e.g., make the necessary components more readily available), and environmental feedback (e.g., improve the consequence system for success and for failure).

In order to explain how these six different modes of, or targets for influence, can be affected, the authors use a handful of examples to illustrate what they mean. They keep returning to these examples, and the reader gets to know them well. The two best ones are probably the Delancey Center in California, where oft-convicted drug-abusing felons are helped to step out of that way of living and, with a high success rate (according to this book) become employed, law-abiding, drug-free citizens; and the Carter Center's efforts to eradicate a horrible parasitic infection that was once widespread in Africa and Asia, called the guinea worm. By repeatedly returning to these examples, the reader not only understood the complexity of the approach needed, but also how it was done, without tremendous cost, using all six of the influence factors.

The book is written in a friendly, almost familiar, conversational tone. While that might not fit every non-fiction book, it worked well here, as another example of how to present information in a listener-friendly manner. It was also quite clear that the authors believe in what they say, passionately.

However, as can happen when researchers write about their theories, in a passionate way, this book seems to promise more than it actually delivers. I am a clinical psychologist, and I was particularly interested in one of the examples used, about a man named Henry, who wanted desperately to lose weight. Unfortunately, this ended up being the weakest, least-detailed example of the bunch. I ended up understanding much more about how to eradicate guinea worm infestations, than how to help Henry shed some pounds. The authors come out of a business orientation, and they did not seem sure on how to apply their methods to an individual with a personal problem. They tried, but they succeeded much less on dealing with Henry than on how to kill parasites.

I must say, though, that I think reading this book might end up being very valuable to me. It reminded me of a book that I read, written by a professor of mine, Sandor Brent, called Psychological and Social Structures. When I read that book, I thought it was so abstract and theoretical that I would never find its ideas to be meaningful or useful. Over time, though, I kept seeing examples of Dr. Brent's ideas play out in front of me, in politics and in the agency where I work. Whenever a process changed, or new staff joined a team, or when an election was held, or a new law put in place, I could see many of Dr. Brent's concepts unfolding and playing out. There is some value in Influencer: The Power to Change Anything and, like Psychological and Social Structures, I think that I will keep coming back to Influencer: The Power to Change Anything and some of its ideas, and finding new ways to apply what was presented.

Google Books

Wow...

2008-12-09T12:25:00.002-05:00

Well it feels like almost 12 months ago I started getting ready for the spring semester. I'm majoring in chemical engineering. I honestly didn't think I would've gotten as far as I did. I had (kinda still don't) no idea how to study and no friends to work with to help learn the stuff I was supposed to. My first chemical engineering class, ench 215, I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting through but for the semester end project I ended up writing a program to determine various fundamental chemical engineering things, like barometric pressure and wet bulb temperatures and I think thats what got me through.
Fast forwarding 4 semesters I am a 2nd semester junior (by class numbers not by credits) , lo and behold i managed to fail one of my classes. Why is this? Well it comes down to me not studying enough but why didn't I study enough? We'll I won't go into that either I don't wanna seem like I'm bitching too often. Well I'm back where I was a year ago except less places to live, less money and less food to eat. I'm thinking about being homeless on campus. There are plenty of places to sleep. They've got showers in the gym, and I can work temp construction on the weekends to have enough for food for the week maybe...maybe work on campus. I don't know. All I know is I want to finish my degree. I can make so much money if I can just get out. I hope constellation gets in touch with me and I hope that by no means they compromise my education. I would absolutely hate to have to turn down a job like constellation to finish school. But I will. P.S. I have some uber hawt ideas for an exhaustless coal powerplant. I've got plenty more to say but its just bitching about people, I think i'd bitch less about them (aka not give a shit) if my life were together so i'll refrain...for now....

Ok so its not halloween...

2008-11-28T09:31:00.002-05:00

but I do have a job pre-employment test on wednesday. Its for constellation energy. A plant technician they call it. I would responsible for reading meters and tweaking things to optimize profits and the sort. I honestly didn't think they would be contacting me. The day I applied I had just finished applying for 15 or so other jobs and I was tired of writing cover letters but I decided I better just do it because if I don't do it now I'll never do it. I wrote this shitty cover letter that was pretty much 'im speshal and ull like me lalalala' and sent it off. They got in touch 3 days later, very cool. I would love to get the job. I wold be doing work related to chemical engineering, they would pay for school, and I would get paid way more than 10 bucks an hour. Its black friday, and apple is having a sale. It ranges from 4% to 8% off their already over priced products. I doubt its going to push much product. Ok back to topic, my goal at this point is to make a living wage doing what i've trained for. I am tired of living by other peoples rules. I'm tired of waking up on a couch. Not that I'm against sleeping on couches, I personally don't mind sleeping on floors, but I just want it to be my floor.