the world of cherie

trying not to fall apart

2009-07-16T14:39:00.003-04:00

I am so scared -- I'm running my first 100 miler and I wonder, "Have I trained enough?" I haven't done enough back-to-backs. Did I taper too early -- my longest run was a 100k back in late May. I didn't do a night run. My stomach is full of butterflies, and this week I've tried to rest, not run around too much, eat lots of carbs, hydrate.

When I asked Brad back during the San Francisco North Face Challenge last December why he ran ultras and did adventure races, he barely paused to think. "You reach the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. The intensity of emotion."

He's right. The highs are so amazing -- nothing will match them. I remember during that race, running so fast (well, it felt fast -- it probably was only 7:3o or 8:00 minute miles!) through these beautiful Redwoods, feeling so free, so amazing. I love that free, amazing, absolutely high feeling. If that's what drugs are like, well, addicts, yes, I understand you because I'm addicted to RUNNING!

The lows can break you. It's the worst if you are in pain, but it's also horrendous if you're not in pain -- because then you don't even have an excuse. I can't tell you how many times I've cried during a long run in the woods. The worst was when I was completely lost in poison ivy; I cried and called T, my mom. Instead of doing a long 50 mile straight run, I did an out-and-back run which was quite tough, but at least I wasn't lost. I have to remember when I get to those black holes that it won't last. I have to think about the next aid station. I have to think about the rewards at the end, the sweet victory, that sense of accomplishment.

Right now, I'm overwhelmed with worries about the Vermont 100 Miler -- what if I get lost? What if I get hurt? What if I don't make weigh-ins? What if I get sick? What if --

I have to shut those out of my mind, and think, "What if I have fun?"

Yes, I will have fun. A blast. The greatest day of my life!

emerson quote

2009-07-11T14:10:00.003-04:00

what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within.

packing list for the vermont 100 miler

2009-07-11T12:02:00.002-04:00

who knows if i'll need it all, but it's better to be safe than sorry:

clothing/running accessories

3 sports bras
3 tanks/tees
2 long sleeved shirts
2 visors
3 underwear
3 socks
2 pairs snickers
2 sunglasses
fuel belt
replacement water bottle
endurolytes
sports jelly beans
gel
body glide!
headlamp
flashlight
sweat wristbands

stuff to buy!

animal crackers
5 hour energy shots
snickers - 1 bag for me, 1 bag for crew
pretzels - 3 bags
cheap flashlight
spray-on sunblock
watermelon
bagels
gummi bears
extra batteries
peanut butter
jelly
ribbons for hair

anything else i'm forgetting????

counting down to the vermont 100 miler!

2009-07-10T20:29:00.004-04:00

I am getting WAY too excited about the Vermont 100 miler. It's next Saturday and Sunday, 18-19 of July (yes, two days!). I really have no idea how I'll fare. I KNOW I'm strong enough to finish, but the amount of time it will take me...well, I think there's a chance I could finish sub-24 hours, but I also think it could take as long as 28 or 29 hours. As long as I finish in 29:59:59 (the cut-off is 30 hours!), I'll be happy.

I'm really getting excited. I'm lucky enough to have my amazing friend Mecca pace me the last 30 miles. When I first asked her, the longest she had run was a marathon, but she readily agreed. Don't worry, Mecca, I'll probably be crawling with the worms and snakes so I can talk to that antelope growing out of the dirt I'll be hallucinating, so keeping up with me won't be a problem at all. I also have the original Boston Bill as my crew -- he'll be refilling my water bottles, fetching me gatorade, and making sure I'm eating enough fun-sized snickers bars. I'm so excited.

The course is dirt roads, some single track, a little paved roads, and a lot of fun. The volunteers are supposed to be amazing (but aren't they almost always?), the food is like an all-you-can-eat-buffet (I think if I ever got married, I'd talk to a Race Director and see if they'd cater. I especially loved the food at the Vermont 50 miler, especially at the mile 25 aid station - I think I ate three pieces of homemade coffeecake!), and you get to run - my favourite thing!

I'm starting to organize stuff -- getting food together, clothes, figuring out shoes. I need to get a small flashlight for the start of the race, make sure I have it all arranged. I have lists.

I'm so nervous. I've never done this before. The longest I've run is at the 100k - which was slightly longer than a 100k. I know I can do it.

But sometimes, I hit rock bottom. Even the 45 miler I did a few weeks ago, it was awful. I was shuffling, felt like hell...but after some caffeine, I started perking up. I know I'll be crying, moaning, wondering why I'm doing this...and I only hope it doesn't take too long to remember.

But I know there will be the high points -- where I'll feel amazing, like I'm flying, feel totally free...and I can't wait for those!

burning man 2009

2009-07-01T07:42:00.002-04:00

so things fall apart; the center cannot hold. all my plans disintegrated a few weeks ago, but as my dad says, "things always get better." and they have. i am definitely going back to burning man.
so far, i bought my tent, my plane ticket out there...i still have lots of organizing to do, but it's exciting and fun, despite the chaos. i am either moving immediately before or immediately after, so that should add to the insanity as well. my boyfriend may or may not come (i hope he does), rachelle may or may not come, crista may or may not come, bill may or may not come...supposedly it's def gwendolyn and i.

but the preparation is half the fun. i have already putting stuff aside...little things like yummy-smelling hand sanitizer, and fun costumes and outfits. i need to get some fake fur so i can make a hot pink fake fur bikini to wear around the playa.

why do i go? i go because it is a place where i feel 100% myself, i feel completely free. there are few places i feel totally free: when i'm running is the main place, but burning man is the other. by free i mean i can be 100% me, run around, do whatever i want, not have to worry abt what will others thing or hold myself back from how i truly feel like acting. it's not something i think abt doing consciously, but i do. everyone does.

meanwhile, looking forward to august 31.

here's a video to inspire and excite you on the art of burning man:

Nicole Krauss Quote

2009-06-27T23:23:00.002-04:00

Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

a few photos of the south mtn 100k!

2009-06-12T16:32:00.003-04:00

Look at how fast we're running!

ensure and iced oatmeal cookies (that's what in my hand): food of champion ultrarunners!

alice hoffman quote from THE STORY GIRLS

2009-06-11T21:39:00.001-04:00

love is what matters. real love. the kind that turns you inside out.

rules for life

2009-06-11T21:29:00.002-04:00

conclusions at the age of thirty:

rule #3:
family comes first. family includes t.

rule #8:
always follow your heart.

rule #14:
don't let others tell you what to do.

rule #83:
commuter trains are made for crying.

rule #46:
there's not enough time to do things you don't want to do.

rule #38:
there's not enough space to be friends with bad people.

rule #9:
always go back to your roots. never stop writing.

rule #22:
retail therapy is probably more affordable than regular therapy, and at least you have something tangible at the end.

rule #77:
accept compliments.

rule #83:
let others take care of you, on occasion.

rule #122:
don't rely on anyone else to help you out.

rule #44:
chocolate is better than any anti-depressant.

rule #25:
make love not war.

rule #111:
see your friends solo. you are friends with your friends, not their partners.

rule #98:
believe in yourself, even if no one else does.

rule #167:
don't go where you're not 100% welcome.

rule #148:
kissing is the best thing in the world that's free.

rule #27:
when you're tired, rest. if not, exalt.

rule #94:
wear sexy, comfortable underwear, even if no one sees them but you.

rule #104:
you're never too old for hot fudge sundaes with dad.

rule #89: it's okay to cry, and dark sunglasses help avoid nosy questions.

reflections on 29

2009-06-11T21:20:00.002-04:00

written on the metronorth train going to new haven on the last day of me being 29

this is it - 29. my last day of being 29. tomorrow i'll be 30 - i can't beleive it. my twenties have flown - but also been jam-packed. it's kenny's birthday today, but as he and i don't talk, the only day it is to me is: the last day of 29.

when i was in my twenties, i:

got a bachelor's degree
got an mfa
got an mls
wrote two novels (that are not yet published, but will be!)
ran lots of marathons, including a PR of 3:28 at boston
started running ultramarathons, including a bunch of 50ks, 3 50 milers, and 1 100k!
traveled around europe for nearly four months alone
also backpacked in brazil, costa rica & argentina
learnt to be self-sufficient and grown-up
got a great cat
experienced (and am experiencing) an amazing romance with t
went to burning man

south mountain 100k

2009-05-31T20:44:00.003-04:00

On Saturday, I ran the South Mountain 100k. It was a tough course, with three loops of two out-and-backs. Lisa and I arrived 10 minutes late, but quickly started off on the course - perhaps too quickly! We attacked the hills early on, running fast, trying to catch up with the others. 51 runners started the race, and only 11 finished - and I was pleased to be one of the 11 runners!

The first loop we were so focused on catching up that I didn't notice the difficulty of the first loop. There were rocks, roots, and plenty of hills. When we finished the first loop, we fueled up at our drop bags and headed back out. The second loop was much more runnable; there was an especially pretty meadow section that reminded us of The Sound of Music (and thanks to Lisa, I got it in my head every time we ran through the meadow). At the second out-and-back's aid station, we chatted with volunteers about the VT100 miler, VT50, and I enjoyed some delicious iced oatmeal cookies.

The first loop of 20.whatever miles was tough, but I felt strong. The second loop was difficult, but we remained in good spirits. Especially good was ice-cold watermelon at the second aid station! I def need to keep that in mind for the VT100 - it was a lovely treat. Otherwise, I ate strawberry banana gu, pretzels, some sports jelly beans.

I was in some pain miles 40-50, but pushed through it. Lisa was an amazing hiker (on the uphills we walked, she was tough to keep up with) and I struggled behind her. I felt my asthma struggle a bit (perhaps this was a precursor to the intensely scary, almost emergency-room-visit-requiring asthma attack i had today), but my albuterol kept things in line.

The last ten miles were great. I had borrowed Brennen's headlamp, which we didn't use until the very, very end (maybe the last 1/2 mile or so), and as the sun went down, we struggled on the trails. I felt great and pushed as best as I could, though I was looking forward to taking off my sneakers - I had a painful blister on my ankle I really wanted to free from the constraints of my shoe. Watermelon 5 miles from the finish really perked me up (ahhhh!) and Lisa and I ran in strong to the finish.

It was great to do an entire 100k with someone else; Lisa and I chatted, she offered lots of tips and advice from her experience in the VT100 last year. We kept each other motivated, and at a fast pace.

I woke up sore and in pain, but now, I'm almost 100%. Actually, I'm going to go pop that blister now...

trail running on the greenbelt

2009-05-29T10:06:00.004-04:00

last saturday, i headed out for an adventure on long island. i had the entire day ahead of me, a nathan-pack full of gels, pretzels, water and sports jelly beans, and i was ready to run!

after a subway ride and the LIRR, i arrived in cold spring harbor. it's a fairy easy trek to the greenbelt from there - you cross the parking lot, make a right on 108 (i believe that's the name of the road), and make your first left. shortly after, you'll hit the trail.

i ran for hours. i got lost countless times, pushed myself whenever i could. the scenery was lovely and i mostly had a great time.

i hit rock bottom; that's what i love abt endurance running: the intensity. i had some really intense highs were i was flying up hills, running hard, pushing myself, loving every last minute of it. but then i kept getting lost - the trail was poorly marked at parts, i was getting lost, running through poison ivy, getting attacked by thorn bushes. i started to cry a little. "i can't do this anymore." were my mother home, i would have called her and asked her to pick me up. she wasn't, and i was alone. i had to figure this out for myself.

i'm glad i did. when a trail ended on a road and i couldn't find my way out of it, i ran back the way i came. it was a long run back, but it wasn't boring. it was still pretty. i found a grocery store where i was able to wash my arms and legs free from potential poison ivy; i filled up my water.

i kept running. i got lost. i couldn't find my way out of the stupid park. i kept asking for directions from some mountain bikers; we kept running into each other, all of us lost. when i found my way out, you know what i did? i ran back in on an easy trail (where i wouldn't get lost) for another hour. i wanted at least 8 hours of running.

and i ran more than that. i ran. i felt great. at the end, i was thirsty and light-headed. i ended at the same train station i started at, and collapsed on the platform in the two minutes i had before my train arrived. i ate a powerbar protein recovery bar (yum!) and drank some water. everyone stared.

i felt strong. accomplished. i feel ready for the VT100 miler. it's the mental i have to get through, and i know it will get tough, but i know i will survive.

great ultrarunning video

2009-05-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

UltraRunning from Matt Hart on Vimeo.

those moments

2009-05-18T16:06:00.003-04:00

those moments come when you least expect it. like when you're in the card aisle of cvs on a break from work, picking out a father's day card for your father. you don't have a lot of time, so you decide to leave the father's day card for your grandfather until another day. (you have, after all, over a month until father's day.) and this is fine, until you realize: you may not need a father's day card for your grandfather. he is 89 and having surgery this week.

and you try not to crumple into tears with q-tips, hair elastics, toothpaste, and a father's day card for dad in your arms, and someone reaches past you to open an insipid musical card, and new york city never lets you have peace - but sometimes, it's easier this way.

North Face Challenge Bear Mountain 50 Miler

2009-05-10T21:01:00.004-04:00

I was very hesitant about signing up for this race not only because the terrain is SO technical (and technical running is NOT one of my strong suits), but also because last year the cutoffs were SO tight that the majority of people who started did not finish. I did not want to have a DNF after my name, but decided the pursuit of running happiness ranked higher than the potential DNF. I signed up. I really do love running; this is what sustains me, more than most people. You know how when you go to your parents' house you go straight to the fridge, pour yourself a glass of milk and can eat cookies and talk with your parents and feel so at home? That's how I feel when I'm running. More than anything else, it's ultimately, 100% me. It's my authentic self.

Starting at 5am in rain, I quickly remembered that running with my headlamp is annoying. (I was glad when it started to get light, and removed my headlamp.) The start was difficult, with some rocks, water, splashing, downhills, more rocks, rain, and still, the feeling of excitement ran through my body.

The rain stopped after about an hour or so; I drank water in between aid stations, would fill up on oranges at the aid stations, but mainly ate my own foods, which I carried and/or left in the drop bags: strawberry banana gu, pretzels, fun-sized snickers bars, and animal crackers.

I'm not the strongest technical runner, so whenever we reached a semi-flat part or less rocky part, I pounded out those miles. People were impressed (but probably not impressed with how wussy I was on the downhills). The earlier miles I ran with a bunch of people, but was very careful on the slippery boulders I ran across. I lost them then, but passed them on some flats. It's how it goes.

One of the things I love about ultrarunning is how so much can happen in one race: I met so many people (including someone who had NEVER run on a trail before in his life!) yet also spent a good part of the race by myself, admiring nature, doing some thinking. On the parts where I was able to go fast, I got to reach that state of euphoria that only running can give me. Ah, endorphins...

Around mile 18, I ran into a guy who said he was hurting. He drank some of my water, and I ended up almost not getting my water bottle back. At the mile 20 aid station, I regrouped with Nelson, saw Matt (amazing cheerleader of the day! Go Matt!), and headed out. Shortly after this, I lost Nelson and everyone else and was running alone.

I was ecstatic to make all of the cut-off points, at the mile 34.5 cutoff, I made it with 31 minutes to spare, making up time. The volunteers were so amazing, treating me like a muddy princess.

The trails...they were up, and down, and very, very rocky. We have been having heaps of rain all week, so the paths were incredibly muddy...some of the trails were SO wet, it would appear I was running in streams, or even lakes. "We need flippers for this," one trail newbie grumbled to me. It was quite mucky and I tried not to think of snakes. Luckily, I only saw one snake, and it was a garter snake. The terrain being so wet and crazy, and me being a less confident and especially less experienced trail runner, I lost time on some of these parts.

Around mile 30, my right shin really started hurting me. I had problems with shin splints two months ago or so, and while I thought they healed totally, the pain was excruciating. It was so painful the thought of dropping out crossed my mind for one second -- "In the long run, for the health of my leg, it would probably be better" -- but then I squashed that thought. "I am not causing permanent damage, I will finish. I will not DNF." Whenever the pain got bad (which was, unfortunately, quite often, especially when I was walking or starting to run again), I thought of my grandmother -- "She has cancer, had surgery, is starting radiation -- her pain is worse than this. This is for grandma." So I continued.

The volunteers were great at all of the aid stations, grabbing my water bottles, constantly asking if I needed anything. The food selection wasn't the greatest, but I enjoyed the oranges and the occasional salty potato.

I had a lot of quiet time, wit nature, to just observe and feel free. It was a struggle, but mostly, it was pure bliss. The time between aid stations seemed enormous ("This must be way more than what they said!") but the day flew by and felt much quicker than the 12:30 it took me.

There was a horrible hill around mile 46 ("There's a bit of a hill," the volunteer at the aid station prior told me unhelpfully; it was THE WORSE hill on the whole course, and seemed to go on forever), but between the last aid station and the finish, it was mostly runnable. I flew (except for where I hit the lake that took over the trail, there I ran sloppily, hoping there were no snakes).

I came in to the finish, arms raised in the air, ecstatically happy to have completed. The course was tough, the day tested me, but ultimately, I persevered.

sundays

2009-05-10T20:21:00.002-04:00

it's weird. on sundays, i finally start to feel like my true self -- and then i realize i have to go back to work monday. true cherie for just one night, i suppose.

Wise Words to Live By

2009-05-08T13:02:00.000-04:00

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as man as you could."

-Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

trying to think my way out of the "corporate box"

2009-05-04T15:11:00.001-04:00

"i don't want to be a professional. as soon as you become a professional, half the inspiration disappears."

--larry harvey, burning man founder

Lucille Ball Quote

2009-04-30T18:43:00.001-04:00

I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.

boston marathon 2009: 3:28!!!!

2009-04-29T20:36:00.004-04:00

it's funny how boston is the standard of marathons. when you say, "boston" to another runner, they know you mean the boston marathon. even non-runners are impressed; while my boss came out and cheered me on at the new york city marathon (with a sign and everything!), she was so proud of my personal best time at boston ("look...look how many people you beat! you came in the 6,000s out of over 25,000 runners!") she started meetings by announcing my success. everyone knows it's THE marathon...

i almost didn't do it. i qualified in the nyc marathon; i was aiming for a personal best in nyc and i got one (3:32) but then crista was doing boston...and i had to do it. crista ended up NOT doing boston, but i had already paid. "there's no refund! i have to run it."

i ran a 50k two weeks before boston, and was really nervous. i had been running longer, slower, and doing less speed overall. i didn't have super high expectations, but wanted to PR, have a good time, and run strong.

i arrived in boston full of energy. i bought two boxes of Gu at the expo (strawberry banana, yum!) and realized after the expo that i didn't have my endurolytes. these help balance my electrolyte deficincies, which my doctor and i discovered i am prone to. i hoped i would run well.

the morning started off good. i got nearly eight hours of sleep, and met a super nice guy on my bus ride. we chatted and were super runner nerds ("oooh, kara goucher!") and it helped keep me calm. i headed into my corral and chatted with a fellow new yorker, shivering. it was COLD!

after the race started, my first mile was actually kind of slow. i picked it up, cursing that i was in the last corral of the first wave. this meant i had to fight my way forward...and fight i did. but i enjoyed myself. i smiled, i waved, i ran strong, i watched my watch...i was on target for 3:22, 3:23.

of course i started feeling nausea (i'm blaming the lack of endurolytes, though it also could've been the speed i'm not used to), which slowed me down the last few miles. i refused to give in. i ate pretzels. i ate oranges, lots of them. i ate watermelon (oh. my. god. i am going to have watermelon at my 50miler next week - it was that incredible!). i tried to force down gus. i got kisses from wellsley girls. i felt great, strong, happy, alive.

coming into boston i ran into a strong headwind but kept pushing. i was disappointed my time wasn't as fast as i had hoped, but i was still PR'ing. at the finish, i didn't pass out (that's saying something for me) and was rewarded with an amazing hot cocoa but a good friend. that was probably the best hot cocoa i ever had in my life. it was SO good. i asked for more whipped cream after i ate it all, and the guy gave me a ton. fantastic!

this race was amazing because i felt good, strong, happy, and i ran fast! 3:28!

and you know what? i qualified for boston at this race. i just might have to do it again next year!

i think this website read my mind

2009-04-28T21:52:00.001-04:00

even sicker, i think i'm addicted to ultramarathons...

Are you addicted to running marathons?

Do your thoughts switch to the next scheduled race immediately after finishing a marathon?

Are you signed up for more than one race right now?

Do you know specifics about many of the marathons? Dates, courses, years run, etc.?

Do you know the story of how the marathon got started? Also why the course is 26.2 miles?

Do you read books on marathons like Marathon and Beyond?

Is www.marathonguide.com book marked on your computer? Do you look at the race schedule more than once a week?

Do you start to feel down when you haven't run a marathon in a while?

Are your closets and dressers filled with marathon t-shirts?

Do you have so many marathon medals that you've run out of room on the hook they hang from?

When asked about your racing from none running people, do you find yourself talking with great passion to the point that the person that asked the question regrets ever asking?

Have you run marathons on back to back weekends? Or better yet back to back days?

Have you run a marathon as a training run? Or just to pace a friend?

When asked by loved ones what your plans are for the weekend, you feel guilty telling them your running another marathon so you tell them "it's only a half this weekend"?

Do you plan all your vacations around a marathon race?

Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, you just may be a Marathon Maniac!!!

reach the beach 2008 relay

2009-04-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

aren't we so fun?

what sustains me

2009-04-17T17:41:00.002-04:00

in my mfa program, anne waldman had us do a writing exercise on what sustains us. i can't currently find the results of what sustained me, but i'm pretty sure what sustained me back in 2001 is very different than what sustains me now.

what sustains me:

running
my family
trev
my home life, inc. luna & vegetarian cooking
burning man type parties where i can wear fairy wings and truly be myself
writing

i haven't written in too long, so i really should do that. but keep true to what sustains you instead of the things that don't matter.

the importance of the important

2009-04-17T15:53:00.001-04:00

lately, i've really been evaluating my life and seeing what is important. my grandma has recurrent melanoma; it's an extremely aggressive form of cancer. it came back again in her leg, and so there's been lots of talk abt no chemo, abt surgery, abt radiation, abt what-to-do. my gram is getting surgery, then radiation, and it's a scary, sad, hard process.

last week, after much thought and decision, t and i drove down to florida. (or rather, he drove all but one hour and i sat in the passenger seat, babbling and knitting and dozing.) it was great seeing my grandparents, but i think the worst thing, was the talk of "what-would-happen-to-papa [my grandpa]-should-something-happen-to-gram"? i realized that quite possibly, not only would i lose one grandparent in a short period of time, but two. gram makes sure papa eats, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much, and she gives him love and life.

"i can't comprehend it!" i told t as we drove to easter dinner. "i can't imagine...i can't imagine what it would be like."

shortly after, i curled into the fetal position as t drove. "you okay?" he asked, and i replied quite honestly, "no." we drove in silence until shortly after, racking hysterical sobs overtook my body. i couldn't control it and he pulled over when he could and held me as i cried.

a coworker called me the next day, freaking out abt a petty deadline. i had no sympathy. how can i? my grandmother is sick, this is life or death. it's so hard to care about things like deadlines and formatting on a document and when someone says "i need this urgently" i know they don't. you need oxygen, food, water, and not cancer to live, not some stupid research.

this situation has forced me to think a lot abt my life, abt how i am not living like i want to live...and i'm starting to make changes. small ones, but i need to write more, live more, spend more time with my family and less time with petty bs.

burning man video #2

2009-04-16T16:05:00.000-04:00

how can i not be super excited to go after seeing this?