tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59296662008-07-25T10:06:19.589-07:00Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comBlogger721125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-22844773208597755972008-07-22T09:29:00.004-07:002008-07-22T12:08:25.050-07:00

PICARD: Computer. COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say,

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-14037740330231670692008-07-08T07:40:00.003-07:002008-07-08T08:01:28.065-07:00

Companies who use country music as their hold music should be forced into bankruptcy. I hate country music, and I have to listen to country music if I want to talk to you. That's like holding me hostage in some sort of torture chamber where they played heavy metal and the theme song for Barney the Dinosaur (allegedly). I would go insane. People really need to consider the full range of people who

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-48258961384354020632008-06-25T10:13:00.001-07:002008-06-25T11:06:59.213-07:00

I got a call from someone in Kansas who said the following: DOROTHY: Her name is Jew-Wah-Nee-Tah Lewis. ME: Could you spell the first name for me? DOROTHY: J-U-A-N-I-T-A. I'm guessing they don't have too many Hispanics in Kansas.

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-27659868013719924732008-06-18T01:09:00.003-07:002008-06-19T12:10:50.668-07:00

If Microsoft made medication... 10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses. 9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash." 8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its medication look exactly the same - square and gray. 7. Even though

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-51164963985554427342008-06-16T11:20:00.006-07:002008-06-17T17:32:43.032-07:00

Why sit through endless episodes of House, MD when you can enjoy the entire series all at once? Here's every episode of House, MD in a nutshell. FADE IN PERSON DOES SOMETHING WEIRD, THEN COLLAPSES. CUT TO: HOUSE AND TEAM DISCUSSING CASE HOUSE: I'm a genius and everyone else is an idiot. Including the patient. I hate you all. TEAM MEMBER 1: I think it's a very simple and common disease the

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-91883022530496334952008-06-16T10:00:00.001-07:002008-06-16T10:15:05.498-07:00

Here's 2008's candidate for parent of the year: Josef Fritzl, a father who imprisoned his own daughter in his cellar for twenty-four years. Not even his wife who lived in the house knew what was happening. During that time, he raped her and fathered seven of his own grandchildren. The story reminds me of the novel "Flowers in the Attic," but taken to a level even that author would never have

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-55900408312981121092008-06-06T01:45:00.000-07:002008-06-06T07:56:06.988-07:00

POLICE: 911, what is your emergency? BLONDE: You have to help me. I'm surrounded by wild animals. I've been running for hours, and they're still chasing me. POLICE: Okay, ma'am, calm down. Tell me what's going on. What kind of animals are chasing you? BLONDE: There's a zebra behind me, a lion in front of me, a gazelle to my left, and a rhino on my right. POLICE: Okay, ma'am, here's my suggestion

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-90480844888513589212008-06-03T07:57:00.003-07:002008-06-03T09:48:12.717-07:00

I recently served on jury duty, but didn't get selected. I personally would like to serve on a jury...big fan of Law and Order...but apparently some people don't. In fact, two people more than others. They both did the same thing, trying to portray themselves as so horrible that they would not be suitable candidates for jury duty. And both of them went too far. For example, Daniel Ellis of Cape

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-70562241011422100812008-05-23T06:54:00.003-07:002008-06-12T20:53:04.425-07:00

Back in the day, I played a game called Life and Death. It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest games ever made. I had a friend who was an actual surgeon, and he said real surgery is easier than this game. If people in the real world died with the frequency with which patients die in Life and Death, the population would be cut in half. In this game, patients can die just from the initial

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-19641008015522762792008-05-15T09:06:00.005-07:002008-05-15T09:34:39.806-07:00

I didn't watch America's Next Top Model this season. Partly, it's because I'm tired of the show, but mainly it's because my wife is tired of the show. Married guys know what I mean. So I didn't know who won until I read an article that said a plus-sized model won this year for the first time. The show's always had at least one plus-sized model in the ranks, and it always felt like a token, just

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-58667678726716199222008-05-12T10:00:00.002-07:002008-05-12T10:13:50.955-07:00

There's a World War II artillery platform in the North Sea that is the world's smallest country, if you want to call it a country, which the United Kingdom doesn't and has been fighting with since the 1960s. But the owner Paddy Roy Bates has persisted, declaring it the sovereign nation of Sealand, instituting a constitution, printing his own currency, and even designing a national flag. He's now

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-12244005495240320962008-05-07T08:11:00.001-07:002008-05-21T09:52:36.897-07:00

I know this review is a few years too late, but I just saw "Gigli" on TV on Sunday, and had to weigh in. Here's the summary: "Gigli" is a bad movie. It isn't badly made, technically. Some parts are even good. The problem lies squarely with the story, which is what makes this movie so unforgivable. Someone should have looked at the script and said, "You know, this needs work" before they ever

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-56939807301520324932008-05-06T05:54:00.000-07:002008-05-06T07:56:12.351-07:00

I don't take Lipitor, but I admit to being impressed by the ads featuring Dr. Robert Jarvik. After all, I thought, if the man who created the artificial heart endorses Lipitor, who am I to argue? Then I read this New York Times article that raised some serious questions. First of all, he's not a cardiologist, which surprised me since he built a heart. Second of all, he used a stunt double in one

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-49469612136819494062008-05-05T12:05:00.002-07:002008-05-05T12:06:17.616-07:00

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Hip-Hop Artist and Pop Singer Trade Childhood

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-17847599345694271022008-05-05T07:58:00.003-07:002008-05-05T10:30:00.041-07:00

There's been a big uproar over the Miley Cyrus photo shoot. In case you haven't heard, Miley Cyrus (more commonly known as Hannah Montana) did a photo shoot for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair in which she appears topless. There's been a lot of hoopla about it being in poor taste, offensive, too suggestive for young girls, but it reminded me of controversy over Britney Spears' infamous Rolling

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-42951959759512899262008-05-02T16:04:00.001-07:002008-05-03T08:44:16.299-07:00

Movie Rule 345: The villain always dies twice Examples: Die Hard, Terminator You ever notice that in movies, the villain is never really dead the first time? This is especially true in action movies. You can almost predict it. The hero pumps the villain full of bullets or drops a car on him or strangles him. The villain lies there, dead. The hero and his girlfriend heave a sigh of relief.

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-20721941970554489482008-04-29T12:08:00.000-07:002008-04-29T12:09:04.205-07:00

Breaking news with the New Yuk Times: China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-69666207429649515932008-04-28T12:03:00.001-07:002008-04-29T12:12:02.261-07:00

I'm sick and tired of the dance from Thriller. It was fun when 13 Going On 30 did it, but when it got to a bunch of prisoners doing it in their yard, I knew the fad was out of hand. And then came this commercial. The biggest problem I have with it is that it's a bunch of computer-generated lizards doing the dance from Thriller. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with the drink,

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-78235069579131530772008-04-25T13:54:00.001-07:002008-05-03T08:18:20.104-07:00

NATIONAL United Airlines raised fuel surcharges ten to twenty dollars for round trip tickets. In a related story, anger and frustration among passengers raised by ten to twenty percent. Texas Child Protective Services raided a Mormon fundamentalist polygamist compound and took over four hundred children into protective custody. The officials believed that the children were being physically and

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-6085472136855149312008-04-24T10:06:00.000-07:002008-04-24T10:07:27.879-07:00

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-80606599809803999172008-04-23T10:05:00.000-07:002008-04-23T12:15:44.500-07:00

I always felt sympathy for people who had kids and had to endure the nightmare of Barney the Dinosaur and Teletubbies. At the same time, I did think "Cut them some slack." Of course, we don't like kids' stuff. It's for kids. You have to look at it through their eyes. That said, I hate the Wiggles. It's not that they're annoying and simplistic and silly and repetitive. All kids' shows are like

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-53421687015164078672008-04-21T09:52:00.003-07:002008-04-21T09:56:55.030-07:00

This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, "How often do you change your baby?" The blonde says, "Once a month." The doctor yells, "What? Why do you only change him once a month?" The blonde says, "Well, the box says 'good up until fifteen pounds.'"

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-33717446105645145492008-04-18T07:55:00.005-07:002008-04-19T11:17:48.641-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you wanted to just wipe out ninety percent of Mankind, and leave the survivors bleeding from every orifice and facing the prospect of survival in a nightmarish post-Apocalyptic world where they wished they could join the dead? Well, now you can with the Flash game Pandemic. It's sort of a strategy game where you have to evolve (upgrade) your virus to spread as

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-2170768781750527172008-04-14T20:11:00.003-07:002008-04-14T20:25:13.540-07:00

It's the age-old question that has perplexed Mankind for centuries, challenged the greatest minds of our age, and set the standards for bravery and physical endurance for our time: if you were attacked by a bunch of five-year olds in an enclosed basketball court with no weapons, how many could you take down? Well, now, thanks to the Internet, we have a simple, effective, and mathematically sound

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5929666.post-76575021458659993822008-04-08T12:19:00.001-07:002008-04-19T11:09:38.040-07:00

1. They pay more for gas in Europe... Europe built their cities for foot traffic and horses, so everything's close together and you can take public transportation or walk. I can't do that in Phoenix. It takes me two hours to get to work on the bus, and it would take me three or four hours to walk (I'm assuming, I'm not even going to try walking in this heat...) 2. Gas is still cheaper than milk.

Monkey Migrainehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01587936933402372050noreply@blogger.com