Mama Saga

He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother (41 Weeks)

2008-08-29T21:14:00.002-04:00

Toddler Girl has offered to go get little brother out. I only wish it were that simple!

I'm now 41 weeks, 2 days and Junior hasn't budged. The midwives have already estimated he is large. Clearly he is. I can feel his head and his rear and he is definitely big. The question is, how big? And what, if anything, to do about it.

The ultrasound today places his weight at 10 lbs. 12 oz. Unfortunately, there's a huge margin of error there. In the back of my mind, though, is another number--8 oz. gained every week. Assuming the sonogram estimate is one pound too heavy, that's still a large kid, who is getting larger every day.

Because my midwife is associated with the hospital's practice, she has to inform my of the "increased risk of shoulder dystocia" and "offer" me a scheduled c-section. Which, to a hypochondriac like me, is like chum in the water.

I asked her a million and one questions, driving her to go consult with a doctor and, eventually, just photocopy reference pages for me to take home and read. I'm supposed to page her with our plan tomorrow.

So, full-on research mode. I learn that Fetal Macrosomia is difficult to predict by ultrasound and alone does not indicate a cesarean. I learn that induction in this case is also not indicated...my interpretation in layman's terms would be "worse than useless."

I also learn that Shoulder Dystocia is still rare, though a frightening and potentially extremely dangerous complication.

And then I read Nicola's comment about a big baby birth on British BabyCentre:

i had a scan at 36 weeks which confirmed i was carrying at that time an 8lb baby. my first born was 9lb 5oz and my 2nd was 9lb 6oz. we were expecting a big baby however when i went into labour 12 days overdue, 9 hours later i gave birth to a healthy baby boy weighing 11lb 15oz... All absolutely natural, no stitches. healed absolutely perfectly and was up and about straight after delivery.

And then I found the "miraculous birth" story of this great big baby via Enjoy Birth.

Which is exactly what I needed to hear.

Right now, after pouring through online medical journals, we're not planning on doing anything until at least 42 weeks. I'm hoping I go into labor before then, and things progress well. I'm considering a private hypnobirthing session, too, to bolster my confidence--I did this when Baby #1 was discovered to be transverse. She turned in time for the birth...I'm not saying there is causation there, but it can't hurt, right?

Send labor vibes, people!

Promoting Breastfeeding and Supporting Mamas

2008-08-26T07:00:00.002-04:00

I started writing this post on MOMformation and it just felt too long, too serious, and too preachy...so over there I am publishing the TOP TEN REASONS I LOVE BREASTFEEDING and I thought I'd bore the 30 people who read this blog instead with my more philosophical ramblings ;)

You've heard it all before, all the benefits of breastfeeding for mother and child and their relationship. And, no doubt, if you are planning to or are breastfeeding, you've read all the breastfeeding tips and advice on sites like BabyCenter and KellyMom. So, if the information is out there, why are so few U.S. mothers breastfeeding?

Certainly it isn't a lack of willingness to try. Seventy-five percent of new U.S. moms start breastfeeding but by six months that number drops to just thirty-six percent. Some small percentage are, no doubt, physically unable to breastfeed. But is something else at play here?

Personally, I breastfed my daughter exclusively (no formula and she refused the bottle) for six and a half months. I loved the convenience. I'm lazy like that. And I appreciated how she enjoyed the milk and thrived. Despite a congenital heart condition that would usually make feeding and gaining weight difficult, she hit the 90th percentile curve and followed that until she started walking. And given her medical vulnerability, I felt that any immune boost was helpful. And speaking of weight, mine dropped off immediately.

But I'm well aware that there are as many different experiences with breastfeeding as there are mothers who try to breastfeed. Why is it that so many women struggle with breastfeeding and stop before six months? How can we support women who wish to breastfeed without pressuring those who do not?

I am not a doctor, nor a sociologist. I am a mother, a friend, and a confidant. Listening to my friends, I hear common threads emerge in their stories.

Some of my friends had experiences similar to mine, finding breastfeeding initially exhausting but eventually liberating. A few struggled through immense amounts of pain due to medical conditions or infections but persevered. I'm not saying a mother should have to do that--I'm not sure I would. I even met a woman on a support board who was an adoptive mother trying to stimulate lactation. Whatever your opinion about that, I have to admire the dedication.

However, quite a few of the women I know, after bouts with postpartum depression or other illness, attempts to pump exclusively, or returning to work full time, eventually decided that breastfeeding was not a fit for their families.

A family's decision how to feed its baby any nutritious food is their own business. I never question any individual mama's decision to stop breastfeeding--her child, her body, her call. At the same time, I find the trend that the vast majority of mothers are not breastfeeding to six months, let alone a year, concerning as a "big picture."

I have a few theories about this trend, and I'd be interested in your ideas.

Marketing of Formula: Many doctors claim they support breastfeeding and encourage breastfeeding, but yet the offices and magazines are jam-packed with glossy ads, coupons, and offers of free samples for formula. Thank goodness formula is available for those mothers who are unable to breastfeed or choose not to. And, I certainly have no issue with companies making money. However, there is little money to be made off of breastfeeding and so, in terms of marketing dollars, it just can't compete with formula.
Medical Interventions During Delivery: Again, thank goodness for modern science. Medical interventions save babies every day. At the same time, with incredibly high rates of c-sections, some mothers and babies miss out on the first opportunity to breastfeed. Often they are still able to breastfeed, but for some this sets the stage for a stressful breastfeeding relationship.
Lack of Breastfeeding Role Models: I think this is a big one. My friends and I are mostly boomer children. Our mothers, with a few exceptions, graduated college and were determined to be more than housewives and technology promised to set them free. Now grandmothers, they have, with few exceptions, any breastfeeding experience to pass along.
Fears of Breastfeeding in Public: Some women may be more naturally or culturally shy about breastfeeding in public. It certainly does not help when people make nasty remarks or even try to push the woman off into an inconvenient and sometimes even uncomfortable and unhygienic place to feed her baby. In certain areas bottle feeding mothers have received nasty stares and remarks, too. And no mama needs a judgmental stranger harassing her during a vulnerable time. Truth is, there are jerks of every stripe. My guess, though, is that the mom with the bottle is not going to stop feeding her child with a bottle (because how else would she feed her baby if she's already stopped breastfeeding?), whereas the mom with the babe at the breast may be bullied into stopping.

What helped me feel comfortable with breastfeeding in public and keep going was finding a supportive online community to share thoughts, fears, and tips about breastfeeding. What challenges do you think create these low numbers? If you tried breastfeeding and stopped, why? And if you tried breastfeeding and kept going, why? I hope you'll take a few more moments to let me know!

Photos: Pecho y lectura by Daquealla manera; Nursing in public, the horror! by karynsig; Oh my God! by chispita

Virgo it is then...

2008-08-22T15:53:00.003-04:00

Theoretically, I could go into labor right now and the baby could theoretically be born in under eight hours. But right now, it looks like Junior is going to be a Virgo.

Diva the Kid is a Leo, as are my granny and mother in law. I generally do well with Leos.

Here's what BabyCenter's Horoscope thinks of the Libra and Virgo match-up:

Libra Parent (Me) & Virgo Child

One of your primary concerns in life is harmony in your relationships, but your Virgo child is more interested in attaining perfection. Not nearly as gregarious and people-oriented as you are, he's most comfortable when surrounded by quiet, order, and routine, so it's best to establish a daily schedule for his meals and bedtime. This could be difficult for you, since you aren't as practical as your little Virgo. Efficiency matters less to you than friendliness and positive feelings.

Still, your love of peace and your little Virgo's need for order can dovetail nicely. Your child appreciates that you keep a pleasant, comfortable home. You, in turn, like the way he keeps his toys organized and, as he gets older, how he completes his chores in a timely manner. It should be easy for you and your child to get along and create a cozy home together.

Hey, Come Out And Play!

2008-08-18T23:51:00.004-04:00

Here's a post I never thought I would be writing--I'll be 39 weeks on Wednesday and baby boy still hasn't shown.

Every time I pick up a bag without warning, my little girl thinks I am "going to work to bring baby brother out." According to her, little steps are going to drop down and he is going to walk out.

Diva the kid is very eager to meet her little brother. She draws portraits of him, having recently mastered the art of drawing an oval and placing "two eyes, nose, mouth, and HAIR (scribbled most enthusiastically)" in more or less the correct spots.

Everything she associates with being a big girl has become tied in with brother's arrival. According to her, she will sleep in her own bed and give him the crib, give him all her "bops" (pacifiers), and start using the potty. Somehow I think this transformation will take a bit longer, but who am I to disagree?

In the meantime, though, we are all waiting for the big boy to come out and play. At my 38 week appointment, the midwife said, "How big do you think this baby is?"

I answered, "Well...based on my complete lack of medical training and my single previous experience being pregnant, I think he's bigger than she was. I think he's already over 8 lbs."

She gave me a somewhat indulgent look and responded, "At least!" in a way that implied he was most likely a bit over. Of course, none of this is reliable measurement, but I won't be surprised if he's over 9 lbs at this point.

We're all ready to go now. Granny's been staying for a week to watch the toddler, I've been clearing my work schedule, and Daddy's been on alert--cell phone on at all times.

We're all ready, except the guest of honor.

When First We Practice to Deceive

2008-08-13T20:30:00.000-04:00

I know toddlers lie.

Probably because they are confused, embarrassed, scared, or just haven't learned not to yet.

What I was not expecting is that a 24 month old child could actual practice the art of deception with a complex ruse.

My husband had planned to come home for lunch and mentioned his visit to our daughter. Then he got stuck at work. I broke the news to Daddy's Girl and she took it fairly well, but casually told me that "Daddy come home for lunch and give baby cookie."

Generally, she considers fruit dessert, but she had just had her birthday party and various relatives and friends were sneaking her treats.

Normally I would not give her a cookie at lunch but I did not want to disappoint her twice. Since Daddy had said she'd get a cookie, I decided to make good on his promise and give her one.

Later, my husband got home from work and starts playing with baby. Over the monitor, I hear her proclaim, "Mommy give you two cookies at lunch."

Husband calls out, "Honey, did you give her two cookies?"

I respond, "No, I gave her one...and only because you promised her one."

Husband replies, "No, I didn't."

Already she is playing Daddy and Mommy off each other in such a clever way. What else does she have up her sleeve?

Photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Everyone Deserves A Breath of Fresh Air

2008-08-12T15:00:00.001-04:00

The Fresh Air Fund has provided free summer vacations to New York City children from disadvantaged communities since 1877. Many of these kids would otherwise not have a chance to play in open spaces, enjoy nature, or even just relax on the grass under a shady tree. The kind of experiences that should be a part of childhood.

As a child, I used to visit my Grandfather at the hotel where he worked in the Catskills. I can remember how much more carefree the summers seemed, even to this suburbanite. For the Fresh Air Fund children who grow up in concrete hi-rises, this change of pace and environment can be even more important.

Imagine a childhood summer without blades of grass tickling your toes, catching fireflies, or splashing in the water.

There are a lot of ways you can help these kids get out of the city for a little while and experience more of their world.

One of the biggest ways a family can help is to host a child. Unless all prospective host families are screened and vetted in time many children may miss out on this invaluable experience. Families who want to extend an invitation to a 9-12 year old are especially in need. If you are interested, please contact Angie (angie@freshair.org or 1-800-367-0003; 212.897.8900).

If you cannot host, you can help with a donation to The Fresh Air Fund.

Please spread the word this and every summer!

Week 28: GBS Positive

2008-08-11T21:24:00.003-04:00

My Group B Strep test came back positive. So, of course, as with everything else, I go into full research mode.

For the most part, Group B Strep does not pass from mother to child, especially in the absence of other risk factors.

Usually, the treatment is to administer penicillin to the mother during labor at least four hours prior to birth.

Fairly straightforward except for a couple of things:

1. I'm concerned about extended labor post-rupture, which is what happened last time. And the hospital has a policy of administering post-natal antibiotics in the NICU, instead of in the room. My intention is to room-in with my baby, barring actual medical emergency.

2. There are also concerns about potential negative effects from penicillin antibiotics used during birth to combat Group B Strep.

I contacted my favorite gentle parenting blogger and asked if she had any information, resources, or advice. She forwarded some information from a midwife friend of hers who also recommended this article: The War on Group B Strep.

What I'm doing right now is using some herbal supplements to boost my immune system. I checked these with my midwife and she said they would not harm me or the baby and would not interfere with the antibiotics assuming I choose to take them.

If I either do not arrive at the hospital in time, have extended rupture, or refuse antibiotics, she said they would watch the baby carefully and possibly do a blood test in case of any concerns.

Although I feel the risk of a Group B Strep infection is very small, and there are risks from the antibiotics, right now, I am planning on taking the antibiotics assuming there is time.

Life Line or Pipe Dream?

2008-07-20T14:39:00.003-04:00

Parenting involves tough decisions, and here's one:

Should we bank our son's cord blood?

Our daughter has a congenital heart defect (Tetralogy of Fallot) and received an open heart surgery repair when she was three months' old. She's doing great, but will eventually need a valve. Some recent studies and trials show that it may be possible to grow a transplant valve from stem cells that would grow with the recipient--in fact, researchers have grown a heart valve from bone marrow cells.

At the end, I'll explain why I hope you'll consider donating cord blood if you are expecting a baby soon.

But this post is about our decision about whether or not to use a private bank to store our son's cord blood.

Here's where it gets complicated.

I was pulling my hair out weighing the options with little information, pouring through academic papers that were way out of my field. Finally, I found this really helpful article about whether or not to bank cord blood, that gave me some more information so I could make up my mind.

Will the technology work?
This, of course, is just speculation. Who knows what they will be using ten or twenty years from now. So, no real answers there. If your child has a disease that is currently treatable with cord blood, you can apply for Sibling Donor Programs that will cover the costs for you. Since this is still experimental for heart valves, our daughter would not qualify--but it is good to know about these programs other parents are able to use.

If they do build a transplant valve, will it be more likely that they will use her bone marrow cells or cells from cord blood?

Hard to say. In many children currently being treated with stem cells, their own cells contain the genetic markers for the disease and is therefore unusable. However, that is not an issue when growing a replacement valve. Therefore, our daughter's bone marrow would provide an exact genetic match without the issues involved in treating children with other diseases. Also, a single cord blood unit often does not contain enough cells to treat the patient. If my daughter is ultimately treated with cord blood, there is a possibility the surgeons will need multiple units, anyway.

Are we more likely to find a match from her brother's cord blood or from a public bank?

If we do use cord blood at some point for her, it seems likely we would have to turn to a public bank. Although the chances of finding tissue matches among family is higher than finding tissue matches in a group of strangers, the odds are only 25% that any one sibling is a tissue match. On the other hand, it appears that the numbers game changes the odds. If thousands of samples are available in public banks, the odds are much better that one of these will be a match than the blood banked from one sibling. And, as I mentioned above, many treatments require multiple units anyway.

When will she need it?

We've gotten different answers from different doctors. Some say in her early teens, while others believe she will be able to wait until her early 20s. This matters, because we're not sure about the length of storage possible for cord blood. Some studies suggest it may last up to fifteen years or more...or it may not. So, even assuming we bank her brother's blood and it is a match and the technology is there and it is enough to grow her a valve, the blood may no longer be usable when we need it.

So, what does this all mean?

To bank privately or not is a hard decision. I would spend any amount of money to give my daughter the best shot at a healthy life. Many patients with valve replacements live long, full lives. At the same time, it seems foolish to throw thousands of dollars at a pipe dream--money that could be spent giving her and her brother other opportunities.

Current transplant valve materials all have issues and all require replacement approximately every 15-20 years. Heart surgery is growing by leaps and bounds, however, and it is entirely possible that a valve grown from stem cells (or made out of another material, like the super-elastic, shape-memory metal alloy called "thin film nitinol") may be a real option for my daughter.

So, that doesn't let any of us off the hook!!! Please donate cord blood!

Public banks of cord blood will be the source of stem cells for many potentially life-saving treatments for leukemia, lymphoma, sickle-cell anemia, immune deficiency diseases, aplastic anemia, thalassemia and probably more in the future. If you give birth at a qualifying hospital, without any charge you can donate cord blood, which contains stem cells that may save a child's life.

Mama Called the Doctor and the Doctor Said...

2008-07-18T17:36:00.011-04:00

Since her operation, my daughter has had an increasing fear of doctors, not that I blame her. Doctor visit phobias are fairly common in children, and she certainly comes by it honestly.

And perhaps it is hereditary as well, along with her unusually strong legs. When I was a child, two nurses and my mother had to hold me down for shots and I still managed to kick the stool and send it flying across the room at the pediatrician.

Last time we visited my daughter's cardiologist, he said he needed a clear picture from the echocardiogram. If we could not keep her calm, they would have to sedate her.

So, since our last appointment, we've been reading about doctor's visits and practicing with our doctor puppet and kit to alleviate doctor fears.

When I called up to schedule, the doctor told me to make an 8am appointment and to give nothing but clear liquids.

Of course, this makes total sense in case she needs sedation, but I was concerned that it also makes sedation more likely. Two year old, plus no food, plus doctor's office, equals cranky.

When we arrived, they said, "We need to get you registered." But...we're already registered. "Okay, let me call registration."

Apparently, one supervisor was on vacation and the other was in another building so the woman at the desk just disappeared.

Over the course of the next hour and fifteen minutes, the waiting room filled with other patients who also either needed to be registered or have their information sent over to the office.

And, of course, my daughter started to grow hungrier, and more impatient. She was so very good, coloring, reading, playing, but I could see her attention span growing shorter, and I knew what was coming. My daughter is sweet as molasses 95% of the time, but her tantrums go from 0 to 60 in a millisecond and, once we've reached the edge, there is no turning back.

FINALLY, we go into the room. I convinced them to delay taking vitals so we would be fresh, but the hour wait had already sabotaged that. The doctor made a remark that if I was concerned about the vitals, he thought that sedation would need to happen. I think the doctor believe sedation to be a foregone conclusion.

The technician points to the television, "Who is that?" Unfortunately, my daughter doesn't know big bird from, well, a big, scary, yellow bird. At that moment, I start to see the advantages of introducing television earlier.

We get her up on the examination table with her pillow, Cat-Cat, and Yorick the Duck (my husband named him). For some reason, she kept wanting to grab her legs. Finally, we figured out that we had told her she would be lying down, just like a diaper change. So, she was holding her legs up in the air, like she does for a diaper change.

Two year olds are logical, we're the ones who don't make sense.

She was a little calmer, but still cried when the technician touched her with the "tickle wand." Maybe, I asked, I could give her just a little banana?

Uh-oh, bad question. The technician looked nervous and got up to ask the doctor.

The situation was getting desparate, so I climbed up on the table (35 weeks pregnant) and held her. I asked my mom to call the technician back in.

We were so close, and yet not quite there.

Finally, the technician asked, "What colors do you see?"

Baby answered, in a voice approaching awe, "Blue and orange."

"Good job!"

"Good job," baby repeated.

"You're making those colors," the technician told her.

Bless her.

From there, it was a quick snack and smooth sailing through another hour and a half of tests.

Jessica Alba's Natural Birth

2008-07-16T09:47:00.002-04:00

It is so wonderful to hear a celebrity like Jessica Alba talking about a natural, peaceful birth:

"I didn't scream," Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. "It was really Zen." And Cash could only marvel at his wife's quiet strength when she gave birth. "She didn't make a sound," he says. "It was amazing."

The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. "The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

Toddlerism: Do Toddlers Dream of Tiny Sheep?

2008-07-12T09:11:00.004-04:00

A tweet from @PHATMommy reminded me of a recent toddlerism:

Baby awoke, clearly from a bad dream. She's sleeping through the night 95% of the time these days, but she just could not settle back to sleep. We brought her into bed and she was still clearly very upset. So, I tried the direct approach:

Mama: Awww, sweetie...did you have a dream? What did you dream about.

Baby: Lids...not fit on...cups! *sob*

Mama: (trying really hard not to laugh) That must be upsetting. Well, put your head on your pillow and hug Cat-Cat and we'll go back to sleep.

Where did she get this organization fetish so strong she has nightmares about it? Clearly not from me.

Thirteen Reasons You Should Attend My CyberShower

2008-07-09T19:00:00.000-04:00

Thirteen Reasons You Should Come to My CyberShower
(yes, this is a silly Thursday Thirteen...but hopefully fun)

I'm inviting you.
You don't have to buy a gift, get dressed up, or even leave the house.
I'm really quite friendly once you get to know me.
Babies are cute and should be celebrated!
There are FUN GAMES and ANYONE (bloggers and non-bloggers) can play.
You'll get lots of unique baby shower gift ideas.
The hostess and the three guest judges for the games all rock. So you should visit their blogs, too.
You get to share advice. Yup, I'm actually asking for your advice. Carte Blanche.
Our super-fabulous guests are leaving funny and inspiring stories and advice.
Guests make a party and you rock, so you should be there, too!
If you're a blogger and leave a link to a CyberShower post, I'll come visit YOUR blog, too.
There are lots of PRIZES--even a few for those who do not have kids.
You'll make a mama smile.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Go Ahead, Make My Day (34 Weeks Prenatal Visit)

2008-07-09T11:18:00.002-04:00

We went to the 34 Week Prenatal Visit last night. Yes, it was the same midwife from last time, though she seemed to have relaxed and there were no more awkward non-joke jokes.

We have decided to have a hospital birth because my first child was born with a complex heart condition and my husband was deployed during the last birth. We considered a home birth, but decided that wasn't the best option this time for our family as a whole. Although I wish we had the "middle ground" option of a birthing center, that isn't available in our area.

So, at this visit, I brought a draft of the birth plan to get an idea of what to emphasize. Our hospital is actually the best in our area both as a medical facility and in terms of what I want for the birth--the midwife practice has a very low c-section rate, less than half the national average, and the other area hospitals do not offer rooming in. So, all was going relatively well until we got to the part about allowing labor to progress naturally even after the membranes release.

Although she said they are willing to let things take their natural course, she casually mentioned that if I develop a fever during labor, my son will be brought to the NICU for antibiotics until he is cleared to go.

"The WHAT?"

Last time I did in fact develop a fever, which no one noticed until my mom said, "She's burning up." The wait for antibiotics stalled the labor but in the end, everything worked out fine. After she was born, my daughter was given antibiotics in an IV drip in our room. After 24 hours, she checked out fine and, if it weren't for the heart murmur, we would have been able to leave.

So, explain to me why my son would need to go to a NICU to receive antibiotics?

According to the midwife: "That was Texas. I don't know of any hospital in New York that does that. That's the policy."

Hopefully this won't be an issue. But what bothers me the most is the pressure it puts on once the membranes release--the threat of separation hanging over you, pressuring you to make decisions you don't want to make. If labor isn't progressing, then here comes the suggestion of pictocin (don't want to get an infection and be separated), and then the increased risk of a c-section. Last time I had pit but no c-section (thankfully), but that's a fairly typical downward spiral of how a mama who wants to have a natural or vaginal birth can lose control of her own labor. To me this is not allowing things to take their course.

Later on, I find out that they have a "non-separation bonus" which means that, if requested in advance, the standard heel-pricking, etc. are done in the room with you unless they don't have enough staffing.

Would I have found out about this if I hadn't strongly expressed the desire to not be separated from my newborn son?

And, sorry...we'll wait until staffing is available for non-urgent medical procedures. Unless someone's life is in danger, no one is taking my newborn son from me.

Out in the parking lot, I turned to my husband and said, "You know, I can refuse consent...if there's a problem, we may find out how security reacts to a postpartum mama who refuses to hand over her baby."

He gave me that look you give the strange guy on the street who mutters to himself.

"Will you back me up?"

He still looked a bit anxious, but to his credit the man said yes.

Toddlerism: Kids DO Say the Darndest Things

2008-07-08T15:39:00.004-04:00

My Two Year Old, pointing to my belly, very serious: Little Baby Brother inside.

Me: Yes.

Toddler: Sleeping.

Me: Maybe, Sweetie.

Toddler: Dark inside.

Me: Yes, love.

Toddler, making finger-wiggling motion: Little crib inside.

Me: Side-splitting laughter at the image of a little micro-universe inside my womb.

Baby CyberShower for Junior

2008-07-07T08:30:00.000-04:00

Some of my FABULOUS online friends are throwing me a baby cybershower on Mamanista. Pamela Kramer of Happy Panda Baby, who also blogs at PMKU, is my hostess with the mostess and our three shower game guest judges are the marvelous: Amy from Crunchy Domestic Goddess, Kristen from Mod*Mom and Christine from Dates to Diapers!

Whether or not you are a blogger, please go join in the fun (play games, say "hi," and enter to win great prizes), because the guests make a party!

My hostess informs me that people like to see "bump" pics of the mama, so I am going to reveal my HUGE bump (as of this past Friday, 33.5 weeks along). Why do people think it is cute to ask, "Are you carrying twins?" Yes, this second go around I am much larger (and way more swollen) than last time. But still cute, right? 'Cause pregnant women glow, right?

And to get a little bit of a soundtrack going for the party, during both pregnancies, I had "These Are Days" repeating over and over in my head. Because truly, these are days I'll remember and carrying a baby is a blessing. Music always sets the mood for me. I actually made different mixes (slow rock, fast rock, slow classical, fast classical, and world music) to bring to my labor so I'd have something that suited my taste at the moment.

Now, let's play some shower games!

Over at Mamanista, you'll have an opportunity to play some games and win some prizes, too. Even though of course I'm not entering for prizes (I already got such gorgeous gifts), I will play along right here.

The first is the Most Inspirational Story. My last labor was difficult, and I'm am certainly hoping this next one is easier and more natural...which is part of why I want you all to inspire me with your tales! Maybe some of you will find my labor story inspiring:

My daughter arrived a week and a half early and her father was on his way home for leave from Iraq. In the preceding week, we had discovered she was in the transverse position. So, I started doing handstands in the pool to get her to reposition. Perhaps this led to my water breaking in the early hours of the following morning, or maybe not, but either way she was head down!

The following 24 hours were amazing. Although labor stalled, I accepted pictocin, at about hour 10 I went for the epidural, and I contracted an infection that stalled my contractions, those 24 hours were some of the most empowering of my life.

Each step of the way, I questioned each procedure and made the decision that I believed to be right. I refused the IV when I came in and I fought to keep trying hours after everyone else seemed to have given up. As we started getting closer to 24 hours, I could feel the epidural wearing off and I insisted they let me stand (holding onto the bar) so I could let gravity help.

And then I pushed my beautiful baby into the world and was placed on my chest, making the whole labor more than worth the effort. Her body was the exact temperature of mine and she just felt perfect.

The next game is Most Fabulous Nest. I chose a jungle theme for our last nursery. Although I don't think it would win most fabulous nest, it was a serene place for me and my first baby. This time, we're holding off on designing Junior's space because my little girl didn't use her room much until she was older. We'll start him off in the co-sleeper each night and then he can join us in bed if he likes. Once he's too old for the co-sleeper, he'll move into his sister's crib and inherit her room...and she'll get to choose her own decorations.

The final game is the best/worst/funniest advice for new parents. I think that "nap while the baby sleeps" may qualify for all three. Certainly it is a great idea because new mamas need lots of rest. But who are all these moms who manage to nap with the baby all the time? And how much hired (or family) help do they have?

I think the best advice I've heard is to not take everything personally with the baby. You just do your best and then if the baby still cries, you just know that you did what your instincts said was right. That, and get a sling.

Now you go head on over to the CyberShower, play along, and don't forget to leave a comment!

Wordless Wednesday: She's a Grand Old Flag

2008-07-02T01:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Fourth of July!

Co-Sleeping is Safe and Natural

2008-06-29T21:46:00.012-04:00

I posted earlier about a "public [dis]service announcement" from the State of New York, against co-sleeping. This campaign did not educate about sleeping safely or even just "warn about the dangers of co-sleeping," as the response stated. Rather, it showed a frightening image of a woman smothering her baby by accident with a voice-over that "babies sleep safest alone," a statement NOT supported by the latest research.

I took some time to calm down and write a letter to my state. If you live in New York and wish to contact the department, you may do so here.

They responded, and I answered again. The state's response is essentially that there were an alarming number of infant deaths in which co-sleeping was a factor. They do not take into account whether co-sleeping was a contributing or primary factor, nor do they compare this number with the number of infant deaths in cribs. Their reaction (scaring parents into not co-sleeping) is akin to saying that babies die in cars so, instead of promoting vehicular safety, they will launch a campaign discouraging parents from taking their baby in a car at all, ever.

In searching for the campaign online, I discovered that many other states have similar campaigns. Please be on the lookout to see if there is a campaign in your state and let me know in the comments. I will be posting a list of states that have these campaigns as I find them. If you write to your state, please share your letter in the comments and/or a link to your letter on your own blog.

Even if you are not a co-sleeper, please support the right of others to do so!

Other States With Campaigns (with links to the department to which you may address your concerns)

Florida, Indiana (news stories; looking for the link), Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri (found the St. Louis link, working on the state link), New York

Open Letter to New York State Office of Children Services

Dear New York State Office of Children and Family Services,

I expect official offices of my state government to use my tax dollars and launch helpful, well-researched campaigns only when necessary. So, I was dismayed to see your television "public service announcement" claiming that "babies sleep safer alone."

Perhaps whatever committee approve this advertisement is unaware that co-sleeping, when done safely, has a whole host of benefits. Not only do parents and children who co-sleep have the opportunity to bond and get more sleep and thrive, co-sleeping, when done safely, also reduces the risk of SIDS.

Dr. Sears, a prominent pediatric authority, has written a well-researched and clear article about the benefits of co-sleeping, including its possible effect on reducing SIDS. Theories about this aspect of co-sleeping include the idea that babies who co-sleep sleep lighter and therefore wake up more easily in case of a problem, mothers are more attuned to their baby's sleep patterns when sharing a bed, and that the parents' heart and breathing rhythms may even help form baby's.

Before I continue, I assure you I am no zealot. I firmly believe each family should choose the arrangement that works best for its circumstances. Personally, I did not begin co-sleeping with my daughter until she was already close to a year old, and then only part of the night.

What concerns me is that your campaign of misinformation will scare parents into making decisions that may not be right for their families.

A far more honest campaign would discuss sleep safety in general. As with most parenting, co-sleepers must plan ahead and be drug-free to ensure their baby's safety.

Baby's sleep space, whether a crib or an adult bed, should be firm and free from excess clutter and fabric. If you choose to co-sleep, remove all heavy blankets and excess pillows from the bed. If you use recreational or prescription drugs that may affect your sleep patterns, baby may be safer in a crib. Consult your physician if you have concerns about prescription medications.

New and exciting research is getting us that much closer to understanding and preventing SIDS. We now know that placing baby on his back, ensuring a smoke free environment, and eliminating suffocation hazards are all actions that reduce SIDS deaths. For the time being, however, we cannot explain SIDS deaths. What we do know is that there are key ways that parents can better ensure infant sleep safety.

Instead of wasting money on factually suspect scare tactics, spend our tax dollars on a campaign that reflects the best science and educates parents to make the right decisions for their children.

Their Response

Thank you for contacting the New York State Office of Children and Family Services (OCFS) on June 29, 2008.

The statewide Babies Sleep Safest Alone campaign was developed as a result of an alarming number in fatalities reported to the New York Statewide Central Register of Child Abuse and Maltreatment (SCR), where co-sleeping was a factor listed in the narrative of the report. Since
2006, 89 deaths were reported to the SCR in this category. Out of that number, 68 deaths involved infants between 0 and 3 months old, and 17 involved babies between 4-12 months old. The remainder fell in the 1 to 5 years old category.

Our campaign materials alert parents about the dangers of co-sleeping and the factors that can cause an infant's death while sharing a bed with an adult or an older sibling. We are aware that co-sleeping is a controversial topic and are confident that educated parents will take
the necessary precautions to prevent an accidental death, which is the goal of this multilingual statewide campaign.

Our Babies Sleep Safest Alone campaign supports the American Academy of Pediatrics strong stance against co-sleeping and recognizes the risk factors that can potentially harm your child.

Thank you again for your input and concern.

My Response

Your campaign fails to take into account the latest research. The AAP is not the final word. Look at the research available and you will see that co-sleeping SIDS deaths are a tiny number compared to crib SIDS deaths.

First, consider whether co-sleeping was actually happening in these reports--ie a baby in an bed, with an adult, without excess bedding. Eliminate falls from babies sleeping alone on a bed,"couch" co-sleeping, and deaths that are actually drug or alcohol related and you'll have a different number.

Then, compare that number to SIDS deaths in cribs.

Tell me, how many babies died of SIDS in their cribs in New York?

I think you'll find that co-sleeping safely is even safer than crib sleeping safely.

Your campaign does not discuss any of these issues. It makes a blanket statement that "Babies Sleep Safest Alone," which isn't true, and shows an image of a mother accidentally smothering her child, which is not what happens.

Tax dollars should not be spent on a campaign that uses scary images to take an irresponsible stand, which does not reflect the best research, on a controversial topic.

Put the money towards a campaign for safe sleep spaces, whether that be a crib or a bed, and I would be 100% behind that campaign.

Babies Sleep Safest Alone...NOT!

2008-06-29T00:10:00.003-04:00

Right now I'm pretty P.O.'ed.

I saw a commercial for this trash about how "babies sleep safer alone." The campaign is NY-based, but in searching for the site, I found that they have similar campaigns in a bunch of states.

What is so aggravating is that it is patently false. Co-sleeping when done safely reduces the risk of SIDS.

Honestly, we did not start off as co-sleepers. My daughter slept in a "co-sleeper" side car for a variety of reasons. But at times when co-sleeping worked for us, that's what we did. So, it is not that I think everyone must do what I do...what is aggravating me is the idea that these government agencies are conducting a campaign of blatant misinformation to scare parents into making decisions that may not be right for their families.

A more honest campaign would be to say: Baby's sleep space should be free from excess clutter and fabric. If you choose to co-sleep, remove all heavy blankets and excess pillows from the bed. If you use recreational or prescription drugs that may affect your arousal, baby may be safer in a crib. Consult your physician if you have concerns about prescription medications.

I'll calm down, collect my thoughts, write up a letter and send it here and then post it, but in the meantime, you may also want to see if there is a similar campaign in your state.

You can find more information about Attachment Parenting Practices, including co-sleeping, at the Attachment Parenting Institute. (Thanks to Katja for the reminder)

And as a reward for your hard work, go have a few laughs with these co-sleeping comics.

Wordless Wednesday: Wonder

2008-06-25T01:01:00.000-04:00

She's Like a Rainbow

2008-06-24T17:50:00.007-04:00

After the highly anticipated first word, comes the flood. When the pediatrician asks for a count, I haven't one. The child seems to know the word for everything she's ever seen and rapidly absorbs new ones.

The set of words that seems to amaze all the other parents is the colors. Months ago she mastered red, green, blue, yellow, orange, pink, and purple (spoken in two syllables with a mix of awe of and surprise). Now she's moved onto "hot pink" and light and dark blue. She's very particular about which color bow she selects every morning and which crayon she uses.

I reassure them that she counts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...1...um...

Although I doubt this has deeper meaning, it can be fun to speculate. Will she be a designer? A decorator? An artist?

Of course, she's just as likely to become a physicist...but allow me to indulge in my daydreams.

What words are your toddlers into? And what could it mean?

How Do You Respond to That?

2008-06-18T14:43:00.002-04:00

Last night we went to the midwife appointment. There are six midwives in the practice, so last night we saw one we hadn't seen before and she had a strange sense of humor.

In she walks, full of nervous energy. She says hello and then poses near the calendar on the wall:

"I like to pose near the calendar so people can see..." She's one of those people who laughs at her own jokes.

Hubby and I laugh, too. Not because that was particularly funny, but because she's obviously making a good natured attempt to help us feel more comfortable.

While we're still laughing, she adds, "Because I'm the dark one." Then, as our laughter starts to become less comfortable. "Most people don't believe I work here so I show them the calendar."

HUH?

Did our (African American) midwife just make a racist joke? About herself? And or the bigotry of her patients?

And how does one react to that? If we keep laughing, do we approve of the joke? And if we stop laughing, what does that signal?

Leaving aside the race issue, it isn't really even a joke--lacking any comedic structure or timing.

Throughout the appointment, she was friendly and professional and thorough...but she definitely had one of those odd senses of humor. The type that is not particularly funny, so she just tells the jokes really quickly and then laughs loudly. Later in the appointment, she compared my two year-old's typical toddler speech patterns to Tarzan/caveman speak. Not really offensive...just strange and not especially well-delivered.

I really hope she isn't the one on for the delivery...I don't think I'd find her brand of humor especially relaxing.

Father's Day

2008-06-16T15:13:00.003-04:00

Father's Day was tons of fun--especially for Diva the Kid (hopefully the Dads had fun, too). The weekend kicked off with a trip to the strawberry festival and strawberries are her favorites, second only to blueberries. She even got to have the rare treat of some yummy ice cream.

At the festival, she picked out a beautiful mirror imported from Bali for her room. And yes, she actually picked out the mirror and was quite insistent that was the one. The frame is a sun and crescent moon with a design on its face that looks like a tribal tattoo.

The grand finale was a spin in front of a bubble maker they had set up at the stage. She got a real kick out of that one.

On Sunday, she hosted all of her grandparents, her great grandfather, one of her great grandmothers, her great uncle, and two of her second cousins (ages 5 and 7) for a Barbecue. She just ate up all the attention (and the food). Watching her play with the family, especially the "big kids," reminds me why we moved back to New York!

On the cards for her Daddy and her Grandfathers, she drew original crayon artwork.

Even though it was Father's Day, I couldn't stop my dad from getting her a present. Her Papa heard about her fun with the bubble maker and brought one for the kids to enjoy. I got some great shots of her crowned with a wreath of bubbles.

Of course, the real highlight was having Daddy's undivided attention for the weekend. When he's talking to her, it is like the rest of the world just fades away. She stares at him with such rapt attention and wonder and it makes me fall in love all over again, too.
C

False Alarm

2008-06-12T21:12:00.003-04:00

I already wrote my somewhat angsty, confused thoughts about my 10 Year College Reunion. I wanted to share this anecdote but it didn't fit with the tone of the rest of my post.

My feet were the size of waterlogged bath towels as we headed back to our beds. As I am walking, I feel something wet down the back of my legs.

Maybe it is air conditioning, I figure, and keep walking.

Again, drip drop...I look up. No A/C units. Maybe moisture from the trees?

Drip drop. Not under any trees this time.

Now I'm starting to panic. I'm 30 weeks along...I can't have this baby yet! And I have no time for bed rest!!!

Maybe you're sweating, suggests the husband.

No, I don't sweat that much.

I take a few steps, splitter splatter.

Then I realize...my daughter had put her still open sippy cup of water in my bag. And the sippy was leaking...down the back of my leg.

So, I'm still pregnant...and everything is fine, as far as I know.

Tenth Year Reunion, Toddler in Tow, Third Trimester

2008-06-12T15:54:00.004-04:00

Last weekend we returned to the alma mater, place of my meeting with Captain Dad. Because we share our reunion year, we brought along the tot. And, of course, I have no option but to bring along the unborn one.

Ten year is definitely the baby reunion. I think it may also be the existential crisis reunion, too.

Back in college, we all thought we were going to make a difference.

After all, we were young and bright, with our whole lives stretching before us. We were connecting with one another in long, late night conversations and debates. Our professors, some of the best in academia, actually made time to have coffee and discuss our ideas. And that soon-to-be published poet chatting with that future physicist? Pure synergy in the making. We were beautiful in that way that the young are.

Ten years is long enough for a few of us to have actually taken significant steps towards that brighter future. We now count among our ranks producers and actors with actual television, Broadway, and film credits; a few writers with published books; political operatives who have actually risen above the rank of intern; and others well along the path to possible greatness.

And the rest of us?

I've always wanted to be a mama, and my daughter is the light of my life.

But padding through the streets of New Haven on my increasingly swelling feet, carrying almost 50 pounds more than in yesteryear (only about 25 of which is junior's fault), with one eye on a toddler, making superficial chit chat with people who I used to fancy knew my soul, could be crushing at times.

Captain Dad took great pleasure introducing his beautiful daughter and then, pointing in the direction of my swelling belly, "And this is junior." And I suppose some of my swelling could have been pride, as well. But "breeding" was not really a major at our university.

We stayed in campus housing and our "roomate" echoed my own anxieties. I thought I would have more to say than I am a mother and a freelance writer. What was it I used to dream, wide-eyed, waking?

And possibly I'm projecting, but on the drunken visages of the few remaining single men, I seemed to notice a dawning disappointment in their lucrative, but ultimately ordinary jobs. With more time for the gym, most of them had shed the initial pounds from rich, corporate dinners they put on before the five year. Their bodies had slimmed and their wallets grown more bloated. But, perhaps the mid-six figures isn't all it is cracked up to be?

What is the good life? And where will we find it, venturing out of the tower? And, do we have the courage to live it?

On My Own

2008-06-04T20:59:00.004-04:00

When your toddler develops a mind of her own, it is a wonderful revelation, both for her and for you.

Lately, it seems as if Diva the Kid's favorite word is "own," as in:

On My Own: "Nooo...pants on own. Do it own." (see 13 Ways to Get a Toddler's Pants On)

I Have My Own: Proudly, upon seeing another child with a father at the playground: "Own Daddy. At Home." (and is this a short step away from "My Daddy is stronger than your Daddy"?)

I Want My Own: Repeatedly until her Granny purchased one for her: "Mama wobe (robe). Baby wobe. Own wobe. Peas (please)."

This is My Own: When a cat sits on her chair: "Nooo...green chair own. Uddah chair. Loki chair. Green chair OWN."

At these moments, I wonder where to draw the line between fostering independence and a politely assertive sense of self versus teaching sharing and cooperation.

When she gleefully shares her dinner with Daddy and tries to give her toys to the cats, I realize there is no need to worry.

Still, as she attempts to bodily lift the 17 pound fur ball off the green chair he is occupying with stubborn glee, I contemplate whether (or rather, when) she'll progress to deeper notions of property rights.

Perhaps soon she'll start charging rent on the green chair? Will she execute a hostile takeover and kick us out of the house? And what does this mean for our upcoming expansion of our family--will her little brother be viewed as labor, or competition?