Witterings

Tux sux, and you know it!

2009-03-02T18:13:00.003Z

Which is the odd one out?

Yeah, that's right.

Regardless of any personal opinion you might have about the companies in question, Apple and Microsoft both have well designed and instantly recognisable logos. Apple's in particular is a cultural icon. The windows logo is ubiquitous. Tux, on the other hand... Tux is an embarrassment. A childish mascot that gives off an air of lame cartoonish amateurism. Tux was probably fine, way back when. Linus Torvalds was a student with his free clone of Minix that was being used by bearded sandal-wearing geeks who, let's be honest here, didn't care that much about their appearance. Yes, I'm dealing in stereotypes, but it was largely true. The cool kids didn't use Linux. It was the bespectacled weirdos who read William Gibson, listened to Rush and played Dungeons & Dragons at the weekend who were using Linux. Some of them wore t-shirts that had holes in the armpits and only got their hair cut when concerned relatives insisted on it. For these folks Tux was fine. They got a plush version and put it on their book-shelf next to their plush Cthulhus and Star Trek technical manuals.

Now Linux is becoming a household name and is seen as the socialist's free alternative to the capitalist dominance of Microsoft Windows and the new-(w)age cult of Apple, it kinda needs something better than a cuddly penguin that says nothing whatsoever about the operating system and just sits there looking like something that helps pre-schoolers with maths.

The majority of the most popular distributions of Linux available today have better logos than Tux, the problem with them is that they only represent that particular distribution of Linux. What we need is a universal logo for Linux. One that says "LINUX" to the world without featuring a cartoon animal or looking like the preserve of people who wear Hush-Puppies and carry a multi-tool strapped to their belt even when they are shopping for groceries.

I'm not a great artist. I'm not even a good artist. I could probably come up with something better than Tux if I put my mind to it, but it wouldn't be good enough to garner support from the curmudgeonly geeks that populate the Linux world. I've always suspected that many of the are secretly against the mainstream popularity of Linux as they feel that Linux is "their" OS, and Tux is "their" mascot and they don't want folks messing with the inherent image of "their" Linux. These are probably the same folks that look down on anyone who uses a windowed desktop.

What I advocate is this: We have a competition to design a new universal logo for Linux. First prize will be to see your logo everywhere in a few years.

Coca-Cola: Scraping the barrel since 1888.

2008-10-11T13:16:00.006+01:00

If there is one cringe-worthy hackneyed colloquialism missing from this embarrassingly patronising localised example of tasteless unnecessary brand awareness from those peddlers of tooth rot juice it's this:

Don't make me boke!"

I'm bewildered by the fact that I've yet to see such line added to any of these posters that have been plastered all over the greater Belfast area since the summer by any of the local populace.

Obviously mocking the branding of Belfast has been higher priority judging by this witty bit of graffiti I've spotted on bus shelters and building sites around the town:

Obviously the folk of Belfast aren't taking this drive to build a possible future city of culture too seriously. Perhaps a local artist should be commissioned to build some sort of installation in the titanic quarter using a lottery or arts council grant?

Michael Stone perhaps..?

The Microsoft X-Box: a belated review

2008-09-17T08:29:00.005+01:00

Firstly I should apologise for the lateness of this review of the Microsoft X-Box console. Sadly my Microsoft phobia somewhat delayed my purchasing of their first entry into the console market, as well as my stubborn and probably ill-conceived refusal to purchase their products. I also had no interest in the console whatsoever at the time, I'm generally not a console person preferring PC gaming, so as you can imagine I have a good excuse for not rushing out and queuing for one on day of release.

Anyway, a friend recently gave me one of the beasts, ready modded and with the excellent XBMC installed. XBMC, formerly known as X-Box Media Centre; an open-source media player and replacement dash-board originally only available for modded Microsoft X-Boxes but now also available in builds for Windows, Mac and Linux, is possibly the best of it's ilk out there and I was impressed from the get-go. I'd only wished it had been around when I was making my clunky media PC for my home so I wouldn't have wasted so much time and suffered so much hair-loss trying to get MythTV up and running (I'm aware that the installation and set-up procedure for MythTV has come on in leaps and bounds in the last year or two so I shouldn't knock it. It's probably a fine media front-end should you have all the premium kit on your linux box so it'll autodetect. Otherwise it's still probably a recipe for premature baldness.). XBMC largely does everything MythTV does... with the exception of the TV bits. There is no way I can think of to install a TV tuner into an X-Box so this functionality has been quite low on the XBMC developers to-do list. It may show up on the dev radar for the Win/*nix versions but as XBMC comes with a nice user-maintained repository of plugins and scripts, what with python being the language of choice here, there is no end to the possibilities. Already there are scripts that will grab your torrents of Smallville and HouseMD for watching in the Video section, let you search YouTube and view the resulting videos in fullscreen, search lyrics for your mp3s, play tetris and possibly RickRoll your friends... the only limit is imagination, motivation and the python skills of the user-base. Yes, that is a fairly big limit, but in theory the possibilities are potentially endless.

Out of the "box", as it were, XBMC will play most movie and audio formats. The player is based on the excellent and well maintained MPlayer. The dashboard can be set to access and source you like, local or remote and scan in the files to a library. Providing the files meet certain filename formats it can also scrape information from selected online databases like allmusic, IMDb, thetvdb etc and download relevant information and thumbs for your movies, TV seasons and artist/albums. Personally I've found that my extensive obsessive music collection has caused XBMC to crash while scanning in the files. This may be related to inconsistent file-name conversion on my Linux Samba shares and the way the customised Win/FATX based X-BOX is handling them. This means I tend to just browse my files using the file-system as is rather than using the library, which is perfectly adequate.

As for the X-Box itself, it's solid and blends in nicely with the TV corner... it's an ugly beasts but doesn't stick out too much. As I said, I'm not really a console gamer. The few games I grabbed for it have been PC-conversions or adventure/strategy-type games and I've already determined that all would probably have been better on a PC. the reason I'm not playing them on a PC is due to my lack of time and patience to get them working under WINE, the Windows emulation layer. WINE stands for Wine Is Not an emulator, though it very much looks like one. It also comes with a recursive acronym which, like the Linux mascot Tux, is one of the many traditions in the Linux community that needs taking out and shooting. But enough of such rants, which are the subject of other witterings.

An optional remote control is available for the X-Box and can be had quite cheaply these days. It's fairly crucial for using XBMC unless you are a hardened Halo player who can use the X-Box joypad like it's an additional limb as the joypads are generally shite and using one to browse menus is like trying to beat an egg with a claw-hammer. Maybe this is just because I've always been a keyboard/mouse combo person and have never liked joypads for anything other than helping plumbers avoid turtles. Since the Nintendo Entertainment system I've believed the design of the joypad has gone down-hill. Having never used a Wiimote I'm unsure whether they are the replacement for the tired old joypad or just the next level of hell and I'm unlikely to find out until someone manages to foist an old Nintendo Wii on me on five years time.

As second-hand or refurbished X-Boxes can be had for next to nothing (I've heard reports that some Game stores in the UK are selling their XBOX 360 trade-ins for a tenner) they make a cheap and very effective networked media centre once modded and installed with XBMC. A hardware mod-chip can be had for £20 or you can google for the information on doing a software mod, which usually requires using an exploit in a broken game like Splinter Cell and the stomach to take the possibility that you might "brick" your X-Box.

Failing that, if you have an old PC around with hardware equivalent to X-Box, a IR port and generic remote, and a TV-out you can install XBMC and get roughly the same functionality.

As the X-Box plays DVDs and TV is mostly shite you can replace just about everything with a modded X-box. At least until digital on-demand and interactive TV reaches it's full potential, which in Ireland will be sometime before the end of the next millennium.

The Myth of the Perfect Sync

2008-06-02T16:08:00.005+01:00

Here's the scenario:

I use GoogleMail for email and Google Calendar for... well, calendaring... and all that it entails. I occasionally use KDE Kontact on Linux, but that has subsided somewhat since my love affair with GoogleMail began. Google's web apps impress me, I must say. I only started using them as a stop-gap measure when I was between computers, but I've got so used to the ease of use and... well.. just the generally way that they seem to handle what they do it a simple yet proper and well though-out way.

I also, like 105% of the population of Ireland, have a cellular phone. This is where I get down to the crux of the matter... No, I was always going to get there... I want to sync my contacts and calendar between GoogleMail/Calendar and my phone; a Nokia 6070. Ideally keeping Kontact in the loop too for good measure. This should be easy; Kontact syncs with GoogleMail and Calendar. Then I link my phone to the computer using Bluetooth or InfraRed or old fashioned USB, and Kontact then syncs with that. All the details are kept up to date and identical between all three mediums and I can get on with life...

Except it doesn't work that way. It never works that way. That would take all the challenge out of life.

Firstly... there is no automated a friendly way to sync Kontact and Google apps. There is a few kludges that will give you a twisted mockery of sync. There is also GCALSync which seems to partially sync my calendar between Google Calendar and Kontact if I set it up as a go-between. It then sits quietly in the background hogging 90% of my CPU time and leaving me feeling like I'm expected to set up a separate machine just for this. Apparently it also sets itself up as an LDAP server to access your GoogleMail contacts but, Jeeze... I want to use the computer for other things, you know?

Ignoring that, there is possibly a way involving writing a convoluted script, otherwise syncing my GoogleMail contacts with Kontact means exporting them from GoogleMail as a .csv file and importing that. This is not sync. As virtually every address book software in the universe has it's own fields and its own way of interpreting them we end up with a horrible mess that requires an hour or five of manual reconstruction and maintenance. No, this is not something you'll want to do regularly.

Then it comes to syncing from Kontact to my phone. Forget it. There are no drivers for my phone on Linux. Like the majority of such hardware, the manufacturers have made no effort to support anything other than Microsoft Outlook. Hence the reason it's so popular: You have to use it if you want to sync with 95% of the phones on the market.

This is the point where things start to get complicated. No, really.

The method by which I've managed to sync is thus:

I reboot my girlfriends laptop into it's Windows XP partition and power up Microsoft Outlook. You have no idea how vile this makes me feel. I feel soiled. Anyway, 75% of the time the Nokia software will realise I'm there with my phone and might want it to do something. My phone doesn't have Bluetooth and the laptop doesn't have IR, so I'm stuck with USB. And 25% of the time I may as well have stuck the cable up my arse. Regardless, it mostly works. It syncs my phone contacts and calendar with Outlook. It also syncs my to-do and notes from the phone too, which is good as I used my phones notes function to write and maintain shopping lists as well as jot down the odd reminder when I'm out (a notebook and pen would be quicker but anyone who has seen my handwriting and knows what a bad memory I have will understand why I do it this way). This is all well and good, but how does this all reach Google? While on my searches I discovered GooSync who apparently do a good job of syncing your phone with Google apps. They also support the Nokia 6070, problem is that it's a premium service and my employment future is unsure. So I've opted for more kludge. Google, rather nicely, have a Calendar Sync software that syncs up quite neatly with Outlook. So that's grand, but the GoogleMail contacts still prove a problem. How did I do it?

I exported my contacts as .csv and exchanged them between GoogleMail and Microsoft Outlook. Then I spent hours fixing the mess. I now have a headache and a hatred for everything. For one of the first times in my life I wished I had less friends. i'm sure it's all out of date anyway...

Apparently, Google are planning to follow up their much welcomed support of IMAP in GoogleMail with LDAP. This will take the edge off somewhat, but the main problem is the lack of proper standards amongst providers and a lack of support amongst hardware manufacturers for anything other than the "industry standards" like Microsoft Outlook

What we need is more acceptance of free and open source software, more openness by hardware developers and less pandering to sluggish old giants like Microsoft.

In future I'll make sure any hardware I buy is Linux supported; This is the only way people like me have of getting our needs noticed, by boycotting companies that only support closed source, proprietary platforms.

If this rant comes across as negative or pessimistic, then forgive me. I'm frustrated by this and have been for the many years I've been attempting to synchronise various things with other things and failing to some degree or another. If anyone has any tips of suggestions then please feel free to leave them with me.

Apple, Schmapple...

2008-05-28T11:55:00.006+01:00

There is always the fear that this will become yet another one of those blogs that just links to other blogs. If so I'll at least try to make it interesting by making comments or taking my own spin on whatever I'm linking to. Anyway, I'll begin with this:

http://www.theinternetnowinhandybookform.com/schmapple/mysteron.html - The Apple Mysterion from the Schmapple Store. A great little device that is, rather sadly, fictional. Merely created, like everything else on the Schmapple Store, for satirical effect. Though this is where I personally see technology heading; Simplistic things that don't really require any human interaction, or even understanding, at all. They just sit there looking pretty and doing something vague that somehow improves our lives... according to the laminated two page manual.

I don't like this of course, because I'm a bit of a geek and like lots of buttons and functions and things I can explore, but anyway, back to the Apple Mysterion (see I'm trying to avoid this stream-of-consciousness thing. It's getting old. Notice how Eddie Izzard isn't funny anymore? Hmmm.)

What this really needs is the single LED on the front to be linked to peoples moods, at least the moods of those around it. Within a certain radius. When these people are happy it's a bright blue. When they are subdued, sleeping or out¹... various dull greens. Then when people are having a blazing violent row it will be bright red and flashing, which will be the technology equivalent of a child sitting rocking and sobbing and covering it's ears in the broom closet, so someone can stop and go "Look what you've done! You've upset the thing! Are you happy now?!". And they'll rally together and try to sooth and placate the Apple Mysterion (maybe play games with it by linking it up to their McMini, via a cunningly hidden USB port) and in turn find themselves putting aside their differences, al thanks to the mystical Steve Jobs and his team of hardware wizards. They'll be deserving of all your money, sure it only brings you misery anyway.

Maybe this is what we need? What mankind needs... a thing that brings us together through a kind of confused guilt. We've broke our own children, they're all playing GTA4 and giving blow jobs to each other in the back of the school bus. Maybe this could be a replacement? An USB box of innocence?

Sometimes satire brings us the most serious notions...

¹ Of course you don't switch it off when you are out, it needs to do updates and... stuff. You don't need to worry about it being on stand-by all the time. It's obviously good for the environment anyway, I mean... it's made by Apple for christs sake.

Why I still run Windows

2008-05-03T10:34:00.008+01:00

I'm distinctly unemployable. I've been unable to stay in a career for any length of time, usually getting bored and leaving or sticking it out and eventually going mental and killing my co-workers with items of furniture.

Because of this I am regularly looking for work. Adobe Acrobat, being a fairly standard format, was once the format I chose to email out my CV in. I was wrong. While it is a standard format for many users world-wide it seems it's not a standard format amongst employers. They all want Microsoft Document (.doc). Except the ones that don't, who want RTF because it's the standard file format in the century they still live in and is what runs on MS Works their Win 3.1 Pentiums. Occasionally when I've got used to sending .doc and .rtf one will spring on me with contempt because they want .pdf, just to be awkward. No, there is no real standard amongst employers, possibly because many of them are morons, but I digress...

I began to send my CV out as .doc. I don't like doing this because I don't like MicroSoft Office. I don't own a copy you see. All my PCs have been self-built. I haven't owned a copy of Windows since about 95. I've neve bought anything else from the company. I can't afford to, even if I wanted to. Not that I should need to, as the most popular open source equivalent OpenOffice.org is free. I made up a CV in OpenOffice.org. It seemed fine. I emailed it to 40 employers, I got one response. I expect this. However, it was when I loaded it up in a copy of Office on my girlfriends Windows laptop that I discovered that what seems formatted correctly in OpenOffice.org might not necessarily be formatted the same in Microsoft Office. My CV looked like it has been drawn up by a computer illiterate pensioner. Most of the employers I applied to probably run MS Office. So this is what they saw. I certainly wouldn't hire someone that sent me this bollocks. Obviously they have no idea how to use MS Office, despite claiming otherwise on their CV.

So, because employers want .doc, I need to use .doc if I want a job. Because the competition can't save a 100% compatable .doc file I need to use MS Office. Steve Balmer is rubbing his nipples right now. I doubt he even cares that I'm using a warezed copy.

I mananged to convince my girlfriend to let me install Ubuntu linux on her laptop. It duel-boots Windows XP for "safety". There have been many teething problems related to getting her used to Linux. Tapping the track-pad doesn't work reliably, which is what she's used to. The Vodaphone supplied Huawei E200 3G modem works on a prayer. The software is buggy and beta and if the carrier drops I seem to need to reset the PC to get it to recognise the modem again.

Last week we rented out some DVD's for our anniversary. After being reminded that the default Ubuntu install doesn't play DVD's and needs restricted dependencies, I then discovered the useful auto-update feature that loaded up Synaptic was rather useless as Synaptic had broken. After installing via apt-get (not something that's particularlly girlfrien-friendly) I then discovered the default player Totem, is cack. It crashed when I paused the playback and wouldn't play anything until I reset the machine. Of course as it was our anniversary and we just wanted to watch a bloody film and not spend the night with her getting frustrated watching me buggering about with software. We used Media Player Classic which was installed on Windows. It worked fine.

I'm running mplayer, but all Linux movie players have crap interfaces that aren't girlfriend-friendly. Totem is useless.

I'm not even going to go into the headache we've had with getting the various laptop TV cards we have to work. They don't work reliably on Linux at all and recording from them seems to be a massive headache. It seems to take so much time that I just don't have to get any of this software to work. Hardware compatablity databases are useless as many of them require people like me to buy the hardware first and report on it. Great. I can't afford to do hardware compatability tests free for the linux community. I've wasted my meagre earnings on so much unsupported hardware. I'm not a software developer so I can't write my own drivers, if I was I still doubt I'd have time. Linux is still not an Os for the casual user in my opinion. I wish it was, but there is no way I'd reccomend it for my mum, or my girlfriend to be honest. We boot into Windows most of them time. It saves a lot of hassle. She gets to do what she needs to and I don't have to spend hours setting anything up. As it's currently our only PC I use it too the majority of the time. If I want to watch TV or DVDs or even go online... it's the only real option for us.

This is why I still run Windows.

Shutdown Day

2008-04-28T10:31:00.002+01:00

Can you survive for a day without your computer, mp3 player, TV, cellphone, or indeed any technology?

Why not try it on the 3rd of May and see.

This is what the organisers of the second annual Shutdown Day are advocating. For one day people should shut down their computers and go outside, enjoy life. Regardless of the personal reason, whether it be social, enviromental, financial...

I think it's a good idea, as many of us have become too reliant on technology and having a day a year when we spurn it should help give us some clarity on the effect computers and related tech have on our lives.

It'd be a nice day to spend with friends so it's a shame I'm so far away from any, but it's a nice idea. Organise a small party or something. Invite me. I won't be able to come but it'd be nice anyway.

I'll probably spend it reading in the sun. Unless it's raining. In which case I'll read in the rain... and drink tea.

Join me.

Infocom Goldmine

2008-04-19T14:21:00.003+01:00

Milliways: Infocom's Unreleased Sequel to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Andy Baio got his hands on an old Infocom HD backup and published selections of the findings on his blog over at waxy.org. Specifically the above page about the proposed sequel to their best-selling Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game. It features inside emails discussing the issues involved. Proposed game layout and even a few basic demos.

It's a very interesting article for people like me who are interested in computer industry history, however the second half of the page is even more interesting from the perspective of the future of privacy and "journalism" as many of the commentators have brought up the point of wether re-posting in-house material, including emails, without first contacting those originally involved is an acceptable thing to do.

As insightful as I found the contents of the backup that have been revealed I do side with many of the commentators, including British journalist Michael Bywater, who worked on some of the games with the late Douglas Adams, in the feeling that the original authors should have been contacted and consulted and in calling himself an "independent journalist", Andy Baio was taking on the responsibility to piece together more objective details from additional sources before reporting this information. Most of those mentioned in the original article have commented on it, and as has been mentioned, none would have been particularly difficult to track down. In the end it would have made for a more interesting read and a better representational history of events behind these much loved games.

Another great opportunity missed due to being too hasty to unveil some acquired information before the facts have been checked and the full story revealed.

Alas this is the folly of ~~modern-day~~ journalism.

Where we leave art for tart

2008-03-26T10:24:00.005Z

I just posted this massively off-topic rant on a mailing list I'm on. It's a variation on something I've been banging on about for ages; the deification of celebrity. I doubt it'll be the last time you hear from me on this topic.

I considered since it was a largley off-topic ramble that I should repost it elsewhere as people in the original mailing list will probably just sigh and skip to the next post.

On 26/03/2008, xxxxxxxxx wrote:
> i recall the amount of new recording labels erupting at the time,
> releasing 12" with moronic music and a "hot" girl doing "vocals".
> Anyone with a girl that wasn't too afraid to come on a microphone had
> a record out then.

Hasn't it always been like that? Someone does something interesting/novelty and makes a few quid, suddenly everyone is onto it and a craze starts. If there was anything artistic in what started it, it's trampled underfoot in the rush for quick profits.

Everyone wants to be a star, you see all these kids in schools now who's main goal in life is to be a star, and they get convinced of it because "people just like them" "made it".

Most of them have no real talent, at least in the area they are heading in. I watched a TV show last week with this local girl in it who was going to be a huge famous singer. She kinda looked cute which was the only reason, I think, that the two bit record producer took her on board I feel. She sings, therefore she has talent... seems to be the belief. She might be shocked to find that a lot of her school-friends could sing as well as she can with a bit of coaching. It's just that singing is no longer a passtime for most people. It's seen as the reserve of "pop stars" and wannabees, rather than an ancient form of expression that is open to all.

This girl won't make it because she's not an exceptional singer. The market for teen hotties who can sing is stale and I can't see there being room for anyone new until she's too old to be accepted. She'll fail, and she'll have put al her hopes in this and will see herself as a failure for the rest of her life because of it. Any taken she had in any other field will likely be overlooked.

I'm off topic now, but this is something that really bothers me. I think the internet and the craze of these fucking Pop Idols-type programs have given a lot of kids false hopes and wrong directions in life which will leads to lots of young people with no hope and shattered dreams and a worse future for all of us.

Why would a young person struggle to be a "normal" person, in a "normal" job like shoe sales, plumbing, design, PC maintenence, car repair etc etc... when there is a chance you could be a star?

For many being a star is all that matters in life, anything else is deemed as a second rate life.

Here the road to the downfall of humanity begins, or at least turns from a meandering lane into a highway.

I know that most of them time I'd rather have a good plumber than another Britney Spears.

Because at the end of the day stars are of no practical use, they just sit in the sky looking pretty and distract us from the real issues on the ground.

Friendship

2008-03-19T06:59:00.001Z

I love how the modern concept of making friends means adding someone to a list on some poxy website.

Last week some stranger was railing at me because I removed him/her from my "friends" list on a popular website. I had confirmed their request to add me a week previously because when they requested my friendship I'd confused them with someone I already knew, whom I assumed had lost access to their account or had to change it because they'd attracted some lame stalker due to adding random people to their profiles as "friends". This person then sat silently on my friends list until I noticed they weren't who I thought they were and removed them. No contact. No "Hi, thanks for adding me." No attempt at trying to actually make "friends". Yet on removal they adopt this offended act.

So this is what passes for "friendship" these days? No wonder the suicide rate has shot up. These people must be incredibly loney, but then aren't we all? Since adding some of my long.term friends to Facebook they have withdrawn all other contact with me. I've since removed a few as they ignored my personal messages despite bombarding me on a daily basis with notifications and application requests. This phenomena is worse, I feel, than those "friends" who used to send you nothing but lame email forwards of unfunny funnies, vomit inducing prayers and "Bill Gates will give $1 to Tiny Tim for every friend you forward this to" voluntary spam.

I realise now that for me the novelty of Facebook ended quite some time ago and I continue to use it as it seems to be the only way to keep in contact with some of my so-called friends.

Should these people really matter? Normally I'd say no. Get some new friends, better friends. However online social networking sites are such a ingrained part of modern society that it's hard to find people who have slid into this mire. Modern life is so full of tacky gimmicks and manipulative devices designed to sedate and homogenise the populace that it's so easy to just let yourself be lead into these pens for the sake of an easy life. Though I'm not sure life gets any easy and it's certainly not very rewarding.

I'm not going to do what I would have done in the past and remove myself from all these offending situations, avoiding and scorning the people I know within and hidng in a self-made cave for a few months feeling sorry for myself and hating the world. I just alienate people who probably don't deserve it, make myself bitter and put on weight from comfort-eating mushrooms. However I'm getting very tired of these places and the shallow commercial relationships built there. I need to talk with people face-to face. Share blood, sweat and tears with people (HIV test results pending), go to the pub for a laugh, go for walks etc etc. Exclusively online friendships are shite. Especially if conducted solely through the medium of the social networking site. It's not right, don't you people see? This is no friendship and calling it such is insulting to the whole concept, not to mention unhealthy.

Phone your friends on those sites, or if you don't like phones then save up and go and visit them. If you can't step up their friendship level with them in this manner then perhaps you need to ask yourself if they are really friends? If you were in dire staits would they lend you a tenner 'til pay day? Would they come see you if you were grieving? Would they send a gift to your wedding? Would they show up to your funeral?

Talk to them, like real people talk. Find out who they really are. What they really like, what scares them. If they aren't up to their level of conversation with you or ignore you... remove them. Having three great friends on your 'friends list' is better than 350 shallow morons you don't even know.

There are guides giving you tips on "How to Double Your Friends List". I've just told you how to halve yours. It's better in the long run.

Friendship is important. Don't turn it into another shallow commercial concept.

The Rough-Shod Rambler

2005-07-08T10:20:00.002+01:00

I do believe that a lot of problems in the world today are caused by people, discontent with the world around them, trying to change the world to suit their own ideals rather than trying to change their ideals to suit the world.

A conformist attitude? Only when you think about this in a political mindset.

You don't like the idea of gays. You don't like the idea of them, behind closed doors having passionate man-sex. So what do you do? Do you a) Try to come to terms with it? See the situation from a holistic view and weight it against other things and learn to accept lifestyles you don't fully comprehend? or do you b) Raise your voice in protest against the evils of sodomy and turn a blind eye to gay-bar nailbombers content in the knowledge that the only good pervert is a dead pervert?

Sometimes it's easier for people to try to change the world to suit their mindset that thinking that perhaps their mindset is what needs changed. No-one wants to admit they have a problem. Especially if they feel up against it. Human beings are still animals. Despite our attempts to distance ourselves from it these animal instincts flow out constantly, unchecked and often ignored. In order to understand the animal within you need to accept the animal within.

No-one wants to be a victim, this often makes people defensive. As part of the animal instinct is the instinct to prey on the vulnerable. This doesn't so much emerge physically as socially. Of course drunken hooligans will still have the urge to jump the little guy gleefully but socially the mob will jump on those that reflect and relent. No-one wants to admit their mistakes, to admit they are wrong. Society says we should respect and regard those that admit their mistakes but the animal within means the reality is the mob. So often it's easier to cover mistakes. Stick to outmoded ideals, or to just not even admit to ourselves that there might be anything even remotely wrong with what we think. Doubt leads to hesitation and the mob will pick up on this.

What is the solution? Admit the animal and understand it? Give into the animal? Either are options. As is carrying on denying the animal within. Which will lead to either of the first two options anyway, with less control and less awareness.

Maybe what we need to do is breed a culture where people feel they can safely admit their mistakes and not fear mobs smelling weakness. To breed out the insecurity that causes this. for society to finally decide if we are an all encompassing loving accepting culture or a tribe driven by survival of the fittest. Culture says the former, instinct says the latter. And we can't deal with the instincts until we, as a race, admit we still have them.

Evidence of Hate-crimes in Northern Ireland

2004-09-13T15:11:00.002+01:00

BBC News: MPs to hear of hate crime

A parliamentary committee is to hear evidence of hate crime in Northern Ireland when it meets in Belfast.

In May, a report by the committee found hate crime was a "rapidly growing problem" in the province.

So, let me get this straight; some government body has spent tax-payers money in discovering that some people in Northern Ireland are hateful bigots?

Perhaps if they spend more tax payers money they may find evidence of other things. Like the fact that some of them are drunk, eat chips, and are called Steve... or Phil... and have ugly children. They may also find evidence that some of them are overweight and can't speak proper. Perhaps if they look even deeper they'll find evidence that some people in the civil service are just parasites creating unnecessary work for extra pay. And that Gerry Adams is a shift beedy-eyed man with a beard and Ian Paisley is a senile old bigot and both have them have indirectly but possibly knowingly caused the deaths of many people over the past 30 years. Or perhaps that kind of investigation would offend too many people who are otherwise quite happy to offend anyone they like because that's their right. Oh I feel my own hate rising here. I must be careful incase I offend someone.

I wonder if the person who wrote this article for the BBC did it with a straight face? I'd find it hard to imagine. If this doesn't show up as a headline on the PDN I'll be very dissapointed.

I think one of them main problems people in Northern Ireland have is with THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS.

Christ. I need to go and lie down, this has been too much.

Special Offer

2004-09-10T21:06:00.001+01:00

Press Release Relief

The Officially Unnofficial THROBBING GRISTLE DVD
(recording session paperdoll stick puppet recreation)

Following serious email interest from a couple of people since my post on the grief list on the subject I should elaborate on my TGDVD recording session stick-puppet theatre video offer:

This video will feature the FULL TGDVD session as it appears on the bootleg mp3s I downloaded and the full concert film played out imaginitively by myself using handmade paper-dollies of the band mounted on lolly-pop sticks, augmented by choice FX from some old BBC Radiophonic Workshop LPs. This will be filmed in traditional SVHS handicam format lovingly distorted by bad focus and over-caffinated operation. The video itself will come specially wrapped in black dyed surgical stocking with the TG logo hand-drawn on it in red crayon, this will be contained in an old seventies style ladies shopping bag bought in the local branch of WarOnWant (the style of the individual bags may differ according to supply) along with a certificate of ownership and five glossy printed cards showing screenshots of random websites about riverside wildlife. Each package will be individually numbered from 1 to... whatever number it goes up to.

Each set will be hand-crafted to order and may contain individual quirks that will add unique charm to this special piece of historical importance.

I'm offering this video free of charge to all of those who wanted to see TG over the past year but couldn't because they wanted to wait to see if anyone else they knew was going or for their tax rebate to come through. There will be a modest administration/handling charge of £400 payable in used notes in a brown paper bag left in the back-seat of an abandoned Ford Fiesta beside the line coming into Norwich train station. Please remember to leave your address and phone number along with the names of your children and what school they go to.

This is a once in a lifetime offer (unless it comes up again later).

Look out for my forthcoming Genesis P-Orridge paperdoll. Recreate Genesis P-Orridge in the comfort of your own home (or somebody elses). The first in my Put Some Bloody Clothes On! series of paperdolls for shameless exhibitionists with poor taste.

This notice is intended for satirical purposes only and is not to be taken anyway other than lightly.

The Internet Makes People Stupid

2004-08-11T23:03:00.000+01:00

This is bollocks. The internet doesn't make people stupid. Lazy perhaps. Opinionated in their ignorance, but not stupid. Stupid people are stupid regardless of the internet. The Internet merely makes them more noticable. I've recently been talking to this girl/woman/thing called Melanie (not her real name) who is also called Holly (probably not her real name either). She seems to mean well but knows very little about anything, and doens't know how to spell it. She mis-spells simple words, uses much of them out of context and puts weird pauses in the middle of sentences. This is the only hint at punctuation in her language. Melanie is not stupid because of the internet. Infact i'd hazard a guess that becuase of the internet Melanie is slightly more intelliegent, or should i say slightly less ignorant, than she would be otherwise. People will occasionally point out her mistakes. Sometimes not very politely. People like Melanie give the more arrogant, curmudgeonly or even elitist of us the impression that the internet is making idiots of the populace. However these 'idiots' are people that would normally not be seen or heard by the majority of 'intellectuals. Possiblyity is that they would prefer not ot see or hear them. But they exist. Assuming that without the internet they wouldn't is arrogant and naive, and not very intelligent. Some might say it's a methaphorcal or philisophical debate. If a tree falls in the forest and there is no-one around, does it make a sound? Of course it does. How arrogant would it be to assume that because there are no human being around they'd put the sound effects on hold. So also the fools and idiots exist regardless of the internet. Banning he internet and returning to a world of 'civilized' discussion over brandy in the local gentlemans club isn't happening anytime soon. Indeed the whole concept of the idiot and scholar is just another set of pigeon-holes created by those that feel insecure of their place in society. We are all a bit idiot, all a bit scholar. It's all down to the balance again. That almighty quest of mine to bring balance to those who believe that everything must be black or white, up or down, one of the other, yet always finding that such states are unrealistic, unsustainable and incomplete. We still have so many of those who strive to 'improve' themselves by making others fail. Those that chastise the idiot but infact welcome their presence as they create the contrast that makes themselves look better. The same that throw up their hands in shock or act in bitter cynicism when those with insight attempt to enlighten those without. The truth being that they fear that a rise in the overall intelligence of the populace will deprive them of the exclusive position of the intelligentsia, and they seek to prevent this without drawing attention to their own insecurity. so they can bemoan the fact that people are stupid while being thankful at the same time. Regardless of the waste and the missed opportunity I still belive the internet to be one of the greatest mediums created by man. And I hope that we do what we can to recognise this and appreciate it while we still have the choice.

Music Online

2004-06-07T00:01:00.000+01:00

In this modern era there is much talk of making music available online without the shackles of the physical media. However this has posed problems: No money being made. Making money from it... oh yes, that's all they are interested in these so-called 'Artists'. Well yes... because for some of them It's that or back ot the office. For some entertainment is their job. Without such people taking such roles spociety would be considerably more intolerable than it already is. So with that quibble out of the way how should money be made? Cash tendered via paypal or some form, temp account set up with purchased files (as done by EG: sevcom.com for their recent "Greatest Hits" compilation 'Bulkhead Plus'). How much should be charged though? Well considering the US dollar as a standard online currency for the time being, the euro is comparable, $8-$10 for an album. $12-$14 for a double album; ie anything 90 minutes or more. Or perhaps anything over CD length. However $1 could be charged for individual tracks. this would encourage people to purchase entire albums. Or the artist could forgo the sale of individual tracks if they wanted the release heard as a full album. Occasional freebees could be made to whet the listeners appetite.

Freedom or Slavery

2004-02-15T02:08:00.001Z

I've said this before and I'll say it again, no matter how many people think it's a right-wing statement; people don't deserve freedom. They bang on about their rights to do this, and their rights to do that. They demand it on a daily basis, and when it's delivered they demand more.

And what do they do when they get it? They abuse it. They abuse it to the limit of it's endurance and when it breaks they demand it fixed. Email is a case in point. Email is a wonderful thing. It's one of the greatest gifts to the human ability to communicate. And what did people do? They fucked it up to the point where it's virtually useless. Why? For their own personla greed. As they have also fucked up virtually every other gift given to them.

Every single freedom granted to mankind has been taken and ruined by mankind. No, not everyone is guilty of this, but enough. And everyone else stands by and lets it happen because they don't want to take away anyones 'freedom'. Over the years this has become worse. Stepping on anyones toes, restricting anyones freedom of expression or their freedom to do whatever the hell they feel like is seen as an abuse of human rights... when the same people who rabbit on about their 'rights' and 'freedom' routinely abuse and restrict the rights of others on regular basis.

My own personal belief is this: That people should earn rights, that in order to have rights granted to you you have to prove that you are capable of respecting those rights and respecting the rights of others. Right now we have a system where your rights are expected to be adhered to without you having to give a flying fuck about anyone elses. Other people can die, they can starve, they can live in misery, they can be driven to poverty and despair, can even be bombed off the face of the earth and you don't have to give a shit so long as you get your slice of pie, the slice YOU are due, and if you can get two slices because someone else was too slow finding a plate then so be it.

At some point if we want to evolve and stop the slide of devolution we will have to start taking some responsibility for the wider world we live in. Responsibility for the parts of it we touch. The people we effect. For people to get beyond this fucking need to make money and power at all costs. To get to a point where they feel that doing something to make quick cash or a thrill that will hurt someone else might not be worth it. Even if you don't know them. Even if you don't have to see them suffer or cry. To realise that sending that pile of bulk emails is going to stress a load of people out and perhaps there might be a better and more honest way to make a living...

Make a living. What a misused phrase. It used to imply what people did to get though live. To put the food on the table. To clothes the kids. To pay for the home. And to maybe pay for some nice things. These days it's all about making as much money as possible, regardless of where it comes from or who has to lose out. At some point making enough money to live comfortably stopped being enough and now people just want ot make as much money as they can. Because they can. There is talk of the Disney takeover. Which may go ahead, because the shareholders think they can get more money, despite the fact it might lead to Disney becoming more of hidously manipulative cash cow than it already is. It doesn't NEED to make anymore money. But it's the way of business; enough is never enough. More, and more, and if there is some way of making even more then so be it.

Greed. No-one wants to hear about it. It's passe. Nothing wrong with wanting the best. Life is hard. Survival of the fittest. If so then I wish people would be honest about it. Then we can get rid of those wasteful facilities for looking after the runts of the litter. The welfare state, the free health services, the money spent on looking after the old, the crippled, the infirm. think of all the money that could be saved and put into more important things if we didn't have to support the weak.

Which way is the true way forward for the human race? Learning compassion? Or losing it? Because at the moment we are just living in hypocrisy.

I'm A Celebrity... Aren't I?

2004-02-05T13:27:00.000Z

Tell me; I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here... shouldn't it actually have celebrities in it? I mean, now that Rotten has gone, who are those other muppets? I know Jenny Bond still does the news but who are the rest? What are they famous for and why haven't I heard of them? I vaguely remember Peter Andre was famous about ten years ago for his washboard stomach but why does anyone care now? Or was he in the jungle already and they just found him? And Alex Best, she's only famous for being the trophy wife of famous alcoholic George Best. If she's there to hide from her abusive husband then she's not doing a good job, I mean, she's on the TV... unless he's sold his to buy Buckfast.

What do you have to do to be famous these days? Sleep with John Birt? No I think that was the old days. Nowadays you just need to draw attention to yourself by appearing on a reality TV show and being obnoxious or camp. Look at that Jade for instance... ok you don't have to. But she is a case in point. She was just on Big Brother and she talked a lot. She's not really any different from the millions of obnoxious millies the world over but she's famous because she was on TV. Apart from that she's not actually got at anything, nor is she charismatic, or even attractive.

For years to be a celeb you needed talent. There were talent scouts and agencies and experts searching for those special people that could entertain the masses. Then someone realised that you can put any idiot on the TV, let them make an idiot of themselves and the dosh will roll in. So now, sadly, this is all we have. Well thought out shows and concepts are declining in favour of 'reality' TV where any half-wit can be on TV so long as they are loud an obnoxious are the flavour of the day. As cheap as hell to make and no real work, scripts etc are needed.

Who needs to bother with art when most people will watch flies eat shit?

The abominal freaky woman thing

2004-02-02T13:33:00.000Z

Christ! Women are getting scary. The one that was just at the door looked like Catwoman hit middle age just come back from Mallorca after two weeks and still popping the pills who decided to treat herself to a shot of botox and a peroxide treatment prior to taking up this job pushing catalogues door to door.

And the smell... god was I glad to get that door closed. I almost wanted to call some government enviromental cleanup squad. Tell them there is a hazardous chemical spill walking around in a mass of black polyester, vinyl and feathers.

Honestly, perfume should be a hint of a scent, not something that hits you in the face like a dead badger. Why do they never understand this? And few women can pull of the 'smoudering' look. Most just look heavily sedated (some even salivate uncontrollably... which is not attractive girls. Seriously.).

Oh and I could understand those women who tried to adopt the Jennifer Aniston look. she's an attractive woman... to an extent, though few could pull of the hair... and David Bowie shouldn't have tried. But why women want to adopt the 'Kat From Eastenders'-look I've no idea. It's really a dead end path in life, and doesn't impress anyone except Kat in Eastenders.

Honestly, Absolutely Fabulous is supposed to be a satire. Do some women miss this, go to a cheap beauty salon and say "Yes, make me look like Patsy"? Uggh!

I feel like I've been violated in some way and it's not pleasant. Really, leave the foxes alone you country folk... this is what you should be hunting. It's a mercy killing, really. Like an ostrich; all those feathers but it's never going to fly. Except back to Spain on EasyJet and it'll have to get tanked up on Liebfraumilch beforehand.

I need a bath again, it almost touched me.

The Culture of the Online Journal

2004-02-01T10:02:00.000Z

Seems these days everyone has a livejournal, or a Blogger page, or a Xanga site. Everyone has to plead their case, confess their guilt, or expose their pain to an audience. I have their friends who get annoyed and feel neglected because I don't read theirs. Maybe it's just me but I'm of an old fashioned world where we would tell friends about our troubles via a letter, or over the phone, or a cup of tea... now I'm expected to find out things my 'friends' want me to know by reading their online fucking newsletter. Like the fan of some minor celeb or PWA member. Yes, yes, at one time I had a Livejournal, and a Xanga site, and an online diary and I'm using Blogger right now, but I use it for my ranting primarily. The problem was I never knew if anyone really read them, and whoever I did I found the urge rise to delete it, move house and change my name by deed-poll. Nowadays If I have any friends that care enough to wish to know what's up with me it's nice to receive a letter/email, or a phone call, or for them to just ask "How are you?" Which is nice to hear. And it's personal. And shows people actually care, that is if they bother to hang around for an answer and didn't just ask it on the basis that it's "What you ask people".

I get people asking "Why don't you write in your livejournal or Xanga anymore" "Or, where is your diary?"I say "I don't wanna, it's impersonal. I prefer people to ask me outright, talk to me one on one". They don't of course. Because it confuses them. These days everyone has a livejournal right? Who actually talks to their friends? That's just weird, right?

I guess it all comes back to this modern western thing about not TOPCA people, and it means mentally too. Don't make eye contact. Don't hug them, don't enquire as to their personal life. If they want you to know anything they'll tell you. Only people won't because they don't want to invade anyone with their personal life.

The easy way around this? Write all your personal problems down on a page and post it somewhere public so people can look at it in privacy without feeling they are invading anyone's personal space or privacy. The ultimate cop-out... or is that death? Or insanity? I dunno. I'm losing the tangent. I've though of another rant already but I'll try and fight it off until I've finished this one.

Why are people afraid to communicate, make eye contact. Confirm that "Yes, I'm talking to you". Human interaction all seems to be done in a generic way now. With no-one speaking to anyone in particular and the world can chose to listen or ignore and no-one has to really know unless someone responds... and they can do so under an alias so if eye contact gets uncomfortable they can run away and not have to deal with it another day.

Maybe that brings it all back to responsibility? No-one wants to have to take responsibility for anyone else. No-one wants to HAVE to listen, just at the same time as no-one wants to have to be seen to be talking to anyone in particular. No-one wants to really get involved and have to deal with anyone else.... then they complain about being lonely and/or lose their ability to deal with real people.

Regardless of what anyone might wish to think or try to change, the internet is a horribly impersonal place. Full of faceless people, regardless of how many mugshots they post, or webcams the set up, or nude pictures they send each other. Someone once said to me... or was it me? ...that you get to know the 'real' person online. You don't. That's a pile of crap. You get to know someone's fantasy persona online. You get to know the person that lives in their mind. This person isn't always the best of that individual. Decent people in real life can become monstrous brash overconfident morons online, while the shy retired loner can become the life of the party... but by no means to you meet the REAL person. And in someone's online diary you only get a portion of that individual, and worse, you'll often get a bad portion. The egotist can become maniacal, the depressed can become insufferable. People who would normal be limited by their own social conscience or even the fear of others reactions can be let lose online without fear of people getting offended, upset, concerned or just plain violent as a result of their musings. And in worse case scenarios those who perhaps could do with more understanding and support in real life get false pity, bogus support and shallow love from anonymous donors and find themselves locked in what they can often fail to recognise as a closed prison or swamp of regret and mutually accelerated despair that can drive them to breakdown or death when all they really need is someone they know to look them in the eye and tell them it's going to be alright and make them a cuppa, rather than the routine (hugs) of some amateur internet-counselor or emotional vampire or even a predator with a collection of naked jpegs sent to by lonely victims who got talked into the concept with the idea that the experience would somehow be liberating and would make them feel special.

Trying not to feel or be seen as a luddite I tend to think that while the 'net is a wonderful communications device, we as a species are not built to exist there. We require personal contact with other humans on a regular basis to remain healthy. As much as cerebral interaction is good we also require semantic communication, and the all important eye contact... not to mention the fact that it's easy to have entire conversations based on facial expression alone. I believe ALL of this is required to lead a healthy life. It's just so unfortunate that modern society seems to becoming so afraid of human contact, the fear is that we might give ourselves away... as human.

Modern Male Sexual repression

2004-01-30T12:11:00.000Z

The problem today, the reason that this amazingly evolved race hasn't managed to leave behind predatory sexual deviancy, incorporating child molestation is because we are still a VERY sexually restrained society. In my opinion consenting and loving sex between adults is perfectly healthy and... goddammit... good for the soul, body and mind to such a degree that it should be made compulsory. True sexual liberation unfortunately is still far off as many people are still living under the false form of media and pseudo-culture control. 'New Lad' in particular is a prime example. He has many magazines and TV shows dedicated to his lifestyle. That of modern sexually aware and unashamed heterosexual man. This is of course a fallacy that covers up deep insecurity, sexually and socially that is fiercely promoted to build a certain degree of protection for this corrupt and restrictive social armour. The often attracted and worhipped female form by this social construct is a woman, sometimes short of hair, who is often tall, slim, fit lightly but firmly blessed in the breast department and subtle on the posterior. Not tied to the restrictions of maternal instincts. In other words; as close to the teenage male aesthetic as possible without seemingly obviously lesbian. 'New Lad's cultural support also features many coded and uncoded allusions to anal sex with these figures. Denoting the figure's willing acceptance of alternative forms of gratification as well as the element of sexual control.

This largely reveals the obvious, that new lad in reality desires to bugger teenage boys. Modern society of course paints this practice as 'unfashionable' and as such 'New Lads' real desires are closeted behind false portrayals of want that leads often to confusion and frustration in the 'New Lad' that also leads to the need to immerse themselves in art and literature featuring Fast Shiny Cars and to drink copious amounts of cheap alcohol to prove in other ways their Masculinity that their subconscious has lead them to believe is under threat.

In many ways Roman man or two millennia ago was more liberated. Happily buggering teenage boys, pre-teenage boys, horses, and their grandmothers and yet seen by historians as enlightened and cultured. A description 'New Lad' is not granted. This may also tie in with the increase in use and demand for literature and photography featuring sexual dominance over children, animals, the vertically challenged and the limbless that is prevalent on the Internet.

Perhaps if 'New Lad' were to admit his secret desires for his fellow clad in only small tight shorts (which the 'New Lad' enshews for it hints at his profound fear all all that might appear 'gay'), body shorn of hair and treated with skin moisturisers and oils, spread opon the bonnet of a fast car with a look of determined pleasure upon his face, life for him would be less confused, less frustrating and less violent, with less need for alcohol, violence and expenditure on overpriced Car magazines

Perhaps more buggery is the key to man's evolution and the road to utopia?

Tony & George: This Fellow Came Up To Me

2004-01-28T01:23:00.000Z

George: Hey Tony, how's it going?

Tony: Terrible... You know I was in Brussels for that interim meeting on the fisheries commission? Well this fellow came up to me, and do you know what he said to me George?

George: What did he say Tony?

Tony: He said 'you stupid cunt'!

George: He called you a cunt, Tony?!

Tony: He called me a stupid cunt, George.

George: Damn! What did you say?

Tony: What else... I mean... What else could I say George? I called him a stupid cunt.

George: Damn. I woulda done the same thing. What'd he say then?

Tony: He called me a STUPID cunt.

George: God damn! The audacity...

Tony: Yeah yeah... He left me with no choice George. I had to emphasize his status as a stupid cunt.

George: Did he reciprocate?

Tony: He did.

George: Damn... That sounds like one hell of a situation. How did you handle it from there?

Tony: He forced my hand George.

George: You hit him?

Tony: No I called him a stupid cunt.

George: Yeah?

Tony: ...then I hit him.

George: Damn. How did he respond to that?

Tony: He said 'Ohhh'.

George: goddammit. That's one messy situation. I'd a hit him again.

Tony: I did. I did. Twice. He said 'Aggghhh...' then fell on the ground in a crumpled heap.

George: Lousy commie... I'da hit him just for that. Lying down too.. goddammit... That's just plain disrespectful!

Tony: I did hit him again... but he wouldn't quit. I felt... Honestly George I felt like crying. But I'm the presi... I mean... I'm the prime minister of England...

George: ...and Ireland.

Tony: No, I'm not prime-minister of Ireland.

George: But there are other countries in the deal right?

Tony: Yeah, erm... Scotland and Wales and the north of Ireland. But that's just a ceremonial thing, it's not a real position.

George: Oh yeah... Like uh... like getting ordained through the mail?

Tony: Yeah kind of... but like I was saying... I'm representing the whole country in this situation. I couldn't let them down, George. I couldn't.

George: Not in the face of this kind of opposition. I mean. The guy just wouldn't back down from the sounds of things.

Tony: He wouldn't. He just wouldn't quit George.... and you know what he said then... after I kicked him in the chest?

George: What'd he say Tony?

Tony: 'Gggahhh... stop... pleaseeee'

George: goddammit Tony... y'see this is why we have the death penalty. You shouldn't have to take that kinda abuse from anyone!

Tony: I shouldn't have to take that kind of abuse from anyone!

George: No! You shouldn't have to take that kinda abuse...

Tony: No... I don't care if he is the president of France.

After 'Derek & Clive: This Bloke Came Up To Me' by Peter Cook & Dudley Moore RIP

Of course they charge

2004-01-17T20:02:00.000Z

I'd like to talk to you today about a myth that is circulating. The myth that companies don't charge your credit card until your order is despatched. This is often claimed by companies on their websites yet numerous times I've found it untrue. The problem lies in the fact that the people who markup the sites and the people who deal with orders are two different departments in most companies and as we know professionalism is also a myth, ergo this is all bollocks.

I just find it frustrating to get an email from a company I respected telling me the item I've ordered is out of stock and my card won't be charged until it is in stock and my order despatched while my Credit Card statement disputes this claim...

It's not a big deal or anything. I just wish companies wouldn't make this claim when it's so often turning out to be a pile of bollocks.

Traffic wardens: UK's most hated profession

2004-01-17T12:41:00.000Z

A recent poll has said that most hated profession in the UK is the traffic warden. Of course it is. It's the stereotype and people don't vote outside the stereotypes otherwise they risk ending up in the vacuum of free thought which leads them to the domain of confusion and the risk of becoming a social outcast when their moral gravity is upset by the concept of doubt.

Self-Inflicted Pain

2004-01-15T07:56:00.000Z

Have you ever watched an animal die? A helpless creature expiring in pain and suffering before your eyes? Wanting to help in some way but being unable to?

This is how I felt yesterday. As I watched, for the first time in my life, one of the two pilots for a defunct US version of Red Dwarf.

http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0103521

Oh how I cried. I buried my face in my hands and I wept for I could take no more. How I wished I could lead it out to the woodshed and shoot it. Or take it in my arms, snap its neck and end its suffering and sit there, its lifeless corpse in my hands and cry, cry for lost humanity... but I could not. I could do nothing but sit and watch in horror and anguish until I could take no more and fled the room and left it alone to die and I would no longer hear it's cries or canned laughter at the gags that JUST DON'T WORK on the other side of the atlantic.

I can understand why Robert Llwellyn was in it, he'll do anything for a laugh, but Jane Leeves... how she got a job in Fraiser for all these years. They honestly mustn't have seen it, or perhaps they did and felt sorry for her.

Bad bad bad...

My second Kazaa purloined video nasty for the day was another controversial abomination. One that I had been warned for many long years to avoid it I didn't want a magical part of my childhood destroyed, but I figured that the laughable joke released to the world under the cunningly ambiguous title 'Star wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones' did that already. So i finally decided to watch the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special.

http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0193524

Well what can I say? It's a 60s/70s style variety show set a long time ago in a galaxy far away, and authentic to the format, being embarrasingly twee and amazingly dull. There is seemingly dull hours with Chewies indecipherably suburban family that shaved could have been from any failed sitcom made in the 70s who live in a 50s style prefab up a tree. his dad/dad in law looked like Edward G Robinson with severe hormone problems, his wife looked like she probably used to play shotput for East germany and his son was like an incredibly hair Gary Coleman on a heavy Ritalin perscription. Han and Chewie for the short time they appear look bored and emabarrased as they should be. Leia looks like Carry Fisher had started the drugs by this time and Luke looks like he's been doing gay porn prior to this and sports a haircut that makes him look even more like a Nazi Poster boy than he already did. I'll admit I haven't watched the second half. It's too painful. Jefferson Starship are just... Jefferson Starship. they got cut out of the original trilogy because having them in it would've been a shit idea.

I think prior to Ep 2 I'd probably wish I hadn't watched it, but now it's just a dull relic. A failed example of promotion prior to them working out that appearing on The Muppet show was the way forward.

Muppets would have livened this up, Harvey Corman alone just doesn't do it, though I still think the DVD release of the original trilogy should have this AND the Muppet show appearences on it. Doubtful, as Lucas is an ill-humoured cunt.

The Vote is in...

2003-11-29T12:28:00.000Z

Well election day for Northern Ireland is over and it was won by the bigots. The majority voted for continued conflict and continued conflict they shall have.