Give Peace A Chance, Please!

Pain and frustration

2009-07-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Friends, I know this journey of mine is a boring tale. It bores me for sure. It has been almost 2 years since I got so sick and during that time it has been more ups and downs than a roller coaster. I try not to give in to self pity and I try almost every day to be positive and work at wellness. I say almost every day because some days I stay in bed with the covers over my head and whine and cry and ask God why me over and over.

There is something that happens often that I want to share. When I am most afraid, frustrated and in pain, at some point I am overwhelmed with peace. I have these moments of grace that keep me going one more day. Sometimes it is minute by minute. I know there are people who pray for me and I believe those prayers overflow in those moments of grace.

I'm not getting better. Physically I don't believe I will heal. Each week seems to bring a new break down of some sort in my body. To be honest, I am ready to shed this flesh. I will when I will though.

Home Dialysis

2009-07-09T10:02:00.001-07:00

I've had some questions about home dialysis and it is not an option for me. First off, I'd have to get rid of my dogs and cats. Second, it is more time consuming in the long run. Most importantly it doesn't clean the blood as well as hemodialysis does.

Are you taking me home now?

2009-07-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

Wednesday was a really bad day. They couldn't get an IV started because of my little tiny roly-poly veins. So they had to put in the new permacath with no sedation. Good husband Gary had a feeling something wouldn't go right so he brought me a double dose of pain med and I was able to sleep through most of dialysis.

Then the real fun began. My blood pressure dropped to 60 over 35. Is that dead? No, but damned close. I couldn't even talk. The had to put in almost as much saline as the fluid they'd removed.

They usually don't let family members stay with you in the dialysis room but they let Gary stay. Frankly I think his being there kept me alive. He held my hand and I could feel his energy. I could also feel prayer. I don't know if anyone was praying for me at that specific moment, I just know I could feel God's presence. At one point I said, "are you taking me home now?" And Gary and the nurse were like, "what?????" I didn't mean to say that out loud.

Good news is I'm home now, drugged sufficiently and full of chicken and dumplings.

Thanks everyone

2009-07-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

Your prayers and kind words mean so much to me. I just don't know what is going to happen but I guess none of us ever do. It is so hard to want to live when I am this sick. I broke down and cried yesterday. I want my mommy, I want to feel good, I want to walk in the grocery store instead of ride the go-cart thing. I want to whine and cry and pitch a fit because that always makes things better, right?

Thanks for listening to me and praying for me. When I get well I'll have a big bar-b-q and you're all invited.

Love, R

Health declining

2009-07-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

I am now having problems with blood clots. I couldn't do dialysis today because of blood clots in my catheter. At least they sent me home from the hospital as there is nothing they can do and I'm more comfortable at home.

Get this book

2009-06-30T01:25:00.000-07:00

When In Doubt, Sing: Prayer in Daily Life by Jane Redmont. This book is so spirit renewing!

I'm riding the health roller coaster again. Had some tests done and should get the results today. Hopefully I won't have to go back to the hospital. I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up right now. Gary has gone back to work which is great. I miss him so much though. Poor baby me, can't stand to be away from him for 8 hours. LOL It is probably really good for him though to be away from me and around healthy people.

How are things?

2009-06-16T05:52:00.000-07:00

Gary is doing very, very well. In fact I'm having a hard time getting him to just relax. I don't want him wiggling around so much while the shoulder is knitting back together. Anyone have a sledge hammer I can borrow? ha!

Yesterday I made his favorite dinner for him. Slow roasted brisket, mashed potatoes, and fried squash. I will share my brisket recipe that my old friend Robert gave me.

Set oven temp to 275

Get at least a 5 lb brisket with the fat cap still on. I've cooked a 9 pounder before for a party but I recommend at least 5 lbs.

Cut a piece of heavy duty foil that is big enough to completely wrap the brisket. Use a pan big enough to hold the brisket once it is ready and sealed up in the foil. If you're doing a really big one you can use a roaster, seal the top with foil and then put on the lid.

Slather the brisket generously with Dijon mustard. Place fat cap side up on the foil. Generously sprinkle the top with kosher salt and black pepper. Chop up 3 or 4 garlic cloves and sprikle them on top. Douse generously with Worcestershire sauce and Soy sauce. Don't be shy, the gravy this makes is just knock out.

Seal the brisket up tightly in the foil. Roast at 275 for one hour per pound. If you use a brisket smaller than 5 lbs roast at least 4 hours.

Your house will slowly be permeated with the most mouth watering aroma!!

Let the brisket rest for 10 to 15 minutes before slicing.

I have one of those fancy gravy pitchers that lets the fat go to the top so you pour just the incredible juice. It is important to leave the fat cap on the brisket before cooking to help make the roast tender. And man oh man is it tender.

I have to eat a lot of red meat to keep my protein levels up. If you don't eat red meat often this is a great recipe for when you want some. Brisket is cheap and you'll love the flavor.

So back to how are things. Being able to cook again is a big deal for me. I still have to sit down a lot or take a break in the middle of cooking so I'm sticking with things I can leave and come back to later. The main thing is I'm getting up and moving around more and more. That is helping my energy level increase.

I've been praying for all of you. It is an honor to do so. I appreciate all the prayers you've sent for me and Gary. God bless you all. Love, R

Gary Update

2009-06-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

I just talked to Gary's surgeon and everything went really well. They put a pain blocker in his shoulder so he didn't have to be put deeply under and he's waking up now. I'll bring him home in about an hour.

Thank you so much everyone for all the prayers. You're the best!

2009-06-11T14:19:00.001-07:00

I went to the grocery store by myself. I've got a nice rolled roast in the oven. I'm tired now but feeling good. I'm kind of anxious about Gary's surgery tomorrow but John D told me he would come down and help me if needed. It is good to have a safety net. It is good to have friends.

3 more weeks

2009-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

3 more weeks and I get this feeding tube removed. It has helped and I'm ready for it to be gone!!

2009-06-06T20:09:00.000-07:00

M**le Wp Clarification

2009-06-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

M****le W**p is a sin and an abomination. If you eat it you will spend extra time in purgatory. If you prefer it over Hellman's you will go to hell. That is all.

Hammer Pants Dance

2009-06-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

Mayonnaise

2009-06-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

I was just reading the current issue of Oxford American and there is a recipe for Pimento Cheese. Bad enough that the author uses sage and (gag) yard onions, but to make it truly awful he uses Duke's mayonnaise.

I just want to make this clear. If you must use store bought mayonnaise Hellman's is the only acceptable brand. Anything else is just swill. You might as well use Kraft or (double gag) Miracle Whip.

Blackies Recipe

2009-06-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

These are Gary's favorite Brownies. They're made with dark chocolate cocoa so they come out black instead of brown. They're very rich, buttery and chocolaty. The ultimate! We get our dark chocolate cocoa at Whole Foods. Hershy's makes a dark chocolate cocoa that is available at conventional grocery stores.

Ingredients

10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter
1 1/4 cups sugar
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened dark chocolate cocoa powder (natural or Dutch-process)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cold large eggs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2/3 cup walnut or pecan pieces (optional)

Special equipment: An 8-inch square baking pan

The original recipe said to line the pan with parchment or foil but we found the finished product stuck so we use pan release (PAM) and it works great.

Position a rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 325°F. (Be sure the heat is not over 325)

Combine the butter, sugar, cocoa, and salt in a medium heatproof bowl and set the bowl in a wide skillet of barely simmering water. We just use a regular double-boiler. Stir from time to time until the butter is melted and the mixture is smooth and hot enough that you want to remove your finger fairly quickly after dipping it in to test. Remove the bowl from the skillet and set aside briefly until the mixture is only warm, not hot.

Stir in the vanilla with a wooden spoon. Add the eggs one at a time, stirring vigorously after each one. When the batter looks thick, shiny, and well blended, add the flour and stir until you cannot see it any longer, then beat vigorously for 40 strokes with the wooden spoon or a rubber spatula. Stir in the nuts, if using. Spread evenly in the lined pan.

Bake until a toothpick plunged into the center emerges slightly moist with batter, 20 to 25 minutes. Let cool completely on a rack.

Magnificat King's College Choir

2009-06-01T12:16:00.001-07:00

Gary Update

2009-06-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

Gary's surgery is scheduled for June 12th. Please keep us both in your prayers.

Thanks!

Love, R

2009-05-31T13:36:00.000-07:00

A must read

2009-05-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.salon.com/opinion/walsh/politics/2009/05/31/george_tiller_murdered/

On the murder of Dr Tiller

Number 200

2009-05-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is my 200th post to my blog. Not a lot in the grand scheme of blogging, but a milestone for me.

A wonderful thing happened to me on Facebook yesterday. An old college friend found me and renewing that friendship led to even more college buddies. I've been having such a good time catching up with people. One pal lives on an island in the Gulf of Mexico about 10 miles out from Corpus Christi. Poor guy has to hit the beach every day! It was such a joy to me that he is well and happy.

One thing about catching up with folks you haven't talked to in 25-30 years is you get good and sad news. It is not easy for me to tell people my life is all about getting well at the moment and I'm sure it is not easy for them to tell me some of the things they have. What is wonderful though is the opportunity to share.

Telling our story can be hard work sometimes. We all have a story though and I want to know what they want to share. My prayer list is getting longer for sure. My gratitude list is getting even longer!

I want to thank all my readers, commenters and lurkers for taking the time to share my story. I thank you for your prayers and kindness.

Love, Roseann

Rings and things

2009-05-30T06:28:00.000-07:00

I seem to be troubled with nausea again. It is hard to eat and I have to just rely on the feeding tube. I can tell I'm losing weight again because my rings are just flopping around on my finger. My engagement ring spins around like a tilt-a-whirl so I've taken it off for now.

Gary and I have decided that after his 10 days of post surgery recovery we will go to MO to see his mom. At first Gary wanted to go during the 10 days but I put the kibosh on that idea. Apparently he just lost his mind for a few hours. I can just see him loaded up on pain pills dealing with his mother. I don't think it would be pretty. She drives him crazy under the best of circumstances.

So, he's going to take a week off after the 10 time and we'll go up then. We're going to take a day trip to St Louis, or maybe an overnight if we can take advantage of our friend John, and go visit Barnes Jewish. Also, I'll get to indulge in one of my favorite junk foods, White Castle!

This is cool

2009-05-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

My former parish which will always be home to me, now offers copies of the 10:30 service on CD. I just emailed them and asked if they'd mail them to me.

In light of recent events

2009-05-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is worth watching again.

Love Reign O'er Me - Bettye LaVette

2009-05-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

Just calm down

2009-05-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

I don't apologize for asking for prayer for a friend. I don't apologize for deleting troll posts. I had to delete one post from a friend that had a line feeding the troll and I regret his reaction to that. Unfriending me from Facebook seems a little extreme to me over a minor thing but that is his choice.

I have apologized to Elizabeth. I was hard on her and that is not my role to play.

I have turned on the moderate comments feature to avoid any further postings from the troll. Joe, if that is your real name, I feel sorry for you and you are in my prayers.

Just to be clear, I'll ask for prayer for anyone at any time. If that bothers you please just skip the post.

p.s. I drove some today. Just a short distance but the first time in months! It was a blast!

Give Peace A Chance, Please!

Pain and frustration

Home Dialysis

Are you taking me home now?

Thanks everyone

Health declining

Get this book

How are things?

Gary Update

3 more weeks

M****le W**p Clarification

Hammer Pants Dance

Mayonnaise

Blackies Recipe

Magnificat King's College Choir

Gary Update

A must read

Number 200

Rings and things

This is cool

In light of recent events

Love Reign O'er Me - Bettye LaVette

Just calm down

M**le Wp Clarification