Gibberish in Neutral

The Ultimate Weapon by John W. Campbell

2009-06-21T01:02:00.001-04:00

Space patrol responds to a distress call on Pluto and finds a scout ship from an unknown alien race attacking the colony there. The patrol ship is destroyed but two of the crew survive -- who, thankfully, are sooper scientists who can deduce how the alien weapons work based on minimal evidence. They return to Earth and begin developing countermeasures for when the aliens return in force.

And inevitably, the aliens do return. After a little fine-tuning, the countermeasures do work, but the aliens adapt, and humans adapt to the adaptations. Rinse, repeat.

In concept, The Ultimate Weapon bears some similarity to Clarke's Superiority -- only without the irony, wit, and characterization. Which, let's face it, is what makes Superiority a classic of the genre. The Ultimate Weapon is, instead, filled with enough technobabble about magnetic fields, element-90, and proton beams to fill an entire season of Star Trek: Voyager. About 40,000 words worth of technobabble, to be exact. It's a wonder Campbell found room for any plot.

Nor is the technobabble scientific, even by the standards of the Campbell Era. There are more howlers in here than the monkey-house at the zoo. For example, Campbell comments that gravity on Deimos is so light that a man can move a 100,000 ton spaceship by himself. Ignoring for a moment that Campbell is ignorant of the difference between weight and mass, such a ship would still weigh 40 tons on Deimos.

And that's nothing compared to the ending, in which Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle allows the Earthicans to build an Infinite Improbability Drive.

Out of the Cradle, Endlessly Orbiting

2008-03-18T18:12:00.002-04:00

Arthur C. Clarke, one of the last surviving Golden Age SF authors, is dead at age 90.

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I Never Realized How Much Garfield Sucks Until Now

2008-03-13T12:31:00.002-04:00

Far too many more here.

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BREAKING NEWS! DANNY KAYE STILL DEAD

2008-03-04T19:25:00.000-05:00

You think Fox News is bad? At least you don't live in Wales (unless you do, in which case I'm terribly sorry for you).

Mar 4 2008 by Tony Woolway, Western Mail

HOLLYWOOD star Danny Kaye, who starred on screen, stage and television for more than 40 years, died yesterday at the age of 74.

Kaye, who entered Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles on Sunday afternoon, died of heart failure brought on by intestinal bleeding and hepatitis.

Kaye’s wife, composer Sylvia Fine, and their daughter, Dena, had been mounting a vigil at his bedside. Kaye died at 11.58am London time.

Danny Kaye would have been the envy of Walter Mitty, the fictional dreamer portrayed by Kaye in one of his most memorable film roles, as the comic actor rarely repressed an urge to master a new skill.

[...]

Born David Daniel Kaminsky on January 18, 1913 in Brooklyn, New York, Kaye was the son of an immigrant Ukrainian tailor. After leaving high school at 17 without a diploma, he got early experience as a comedian on the so-called Jewish circuit of summer hotels and camps in the Catskill Mountains.

Now those of you good with the maths might note that 2008-1913=/=74. In point of fact, Danny Kaye died 21 years ago yesterday. But hey, why let facts get in the way of a story.

Now excuse me, I'm going to edit his Wikipedia page to reflect this news story.

Resolved: The Breakfast Club is Fascist Propaganda

2008-02-28T01:29:00.001-05:00

The 1980's. The decade that gave us such classic films as Return of the Jedi, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and Goonies. Alas, it is also the decade that gave us the evil of John Hughes. Now, I know a lot of you are going to say, "Hey, Ferris Bueller was cool!" and "I liked Weird Science." Well, I have news for you: you've fallen victim to John Hughes' brainwashing. Hughes' films present a distorted portrait of America, with disturbing undertones about the individual's place in society. Hughes' almost fascist view of America has helped create a culture where you must fit in -- or else.

Right now, let's focus on The Breakfast Club, Hughes' allegorical film about an American high school. One Saturday morning, five teenagers show up at school for detention. Now by coincidence, each student represents a major social clique in the school. The characters are so archetypal that they don't even need names, just titles: Molly Ringworm is the prom queen; Emilio "The Forgotten Sheen" Estevez is the jock; Judd "Rodimus Prime" Nelson is the tough guy; Anthony Michael "Type Cast" Hall is the (surprise!) nerd; and Ally "What Happened to My Career?" Sheedy is the freaky girl. At first they all hate each other, but as the day progresses they bond, get stoned, destroy each other emotionally, and have lots of wacky adventures (all set to catchy pop-tunes).

Typical '80's teen-comedy, right?

That's where the subversive elements come in. The movie is funny. Funny enough that you don't realize the insidious message until much later. You see, as with most comedies, The Breakfast Club ends with the characters forming couples. However, simple math shows that the five characters can only form two couples, with one person left out. Now, most people who've survived high school would expect for the prom queen to hook up with the jock and the freak to hook up with the nerd, or, maybe, the tough guy. After all, freaks are usually nerds who got teased too much in elementary school and started wearing black.

But Hughes doesn't fulfill these expectations, instead offering a twist with disturbing, almost McCarthyesque undertones. You see, the prom queen gives freak girl a makeover in the last five minutes, making her look beautiful (well, as beautiful as Ally Sheedy can be). Suddenly the jock falls in love with her, completely forgetting her kleptomaniacal tendencies, inability to tell the truth, and use of dandruff in art. The lesson here girls: if you style your hair and wear the right clothes, you can get a date with a big brawny guy who has the brains of ... well, Emilio Estevez. No one cares if you're insane, so long as you look normal and do your best to fit in.

The nerd, at least, has the brains to recognize the situation. He notes that when they get back to school, no one will talk to him, pretending they never bonded with him. He rails against the unfairness of the system, but no one offers to give him a makeover, and he's left, in the end, writing the assignment the group had been given at the beginning of detention. So, here we're told that the duty of a nerd is to do the work of everyone else. The lesson Hughes offers in The Breakfast Club is essentially that personality and intelligence don't matter, just superficial qualities like appearance. Compare to Starship Troopers where the beautiful fascist kids are glorified, and Doogie Howser is tolerated only for his psychic powers.

Thundercats vs Silverhawks

2008-02-28T01:15:00.003-05:00

An old article I dug up from my days on the college newspaper:

Cartoon Network, which is the coolest channel for drunken college students to watch while pretending they're still ten years old, has recently started showing Silverhawks. For those of you reading this who were too young to enjoy the great cartoons of the '80's, the Silverhawks were a group of cyborg space cops in the Limbo Galaxy who fought the evil Monstar. The show was produced by the same people who brought us the Thundercats - oh, wait, if you don't remember the Silverhawks, you probably don't remember the Thundercats, you cultural philistine! Okay, the Thundercats were a group of space refugees fleeing to Third Earth, where they fought the evil Mumm-ra. As you can tell, the two shows are completely different.

But, as I was rewatching some old Silverhawks episodes this last week (Man, this is what college is all about!), I noticed how much cooler the Silverhawks are, even though they never quite achieved the popularity of the Thundercats. Let's break it down:

Quick Silver vs. Lion-o - This is no contest. Both were leaders of their groups, but Lion-o was a wimp who couldn't find his Sword of Omens if you shoved it through his puny little chest. Quick Silver came up with plans. Quick Silver could actually win fights without someone coming to his aid. Quick Silver wupped ass.

Blue Grass vs. Panthro - The technical geniuses of both teams are well matched in terms of intelligence, but Panthro has to win for two reasons. (A) He came up with the Thundercat vehicles on his own, while Blue Grass was a glorified mechanic, and (B) Panthro didn't have a guitar-laser he used to play country music, unlike a certain mohawked cyber-redneck.

Iron Heart & Steel Will vs. Tygra and Cheetara - The male/female pairs of both teams. Now, I know a lot of boys had crushes on Cheetara, the leotard clad babe of the Thundercats, but let's face it, Tygra was wuss. In the Silverhawks, both of the male/female pair had the ability to kick mucho butt. But, there's an added twist: Iron Heart and Steel Will are brother and sister, making the duo (and anyone who's watched the show should agree with this) incestuous. Five points right there for subverting the minds of America's youth.

Copper Kid vs. Wily Kat and Wily Kit - The annoying children in the Silverhawks and Thundercats. The Copper Kid has the added annoyance of being from the planet of the freaking Mimes, but there are two Thunderkittens, and no single character in the history of cartoons can be as annoying as Wily Kat and Wily Kit.

Stargazer vs. Jaga - Both Quick Silver and Lion-o had a mentor/boss character. Stargazer was the head of law enforcement for the Limbo Galaxy, and thus told the Silverhawks what to do, and not much else. Now, it wouldn't take much for the Thundercats to top him, but they don't. Why? Because their mentor character was a glowing blue ghost. Yes, that's right, the Thundercats relied upon an Obi-wan rip-off to help them through trouble. Dude, that is not cool!

Monstar vs. Mumm-ra - Admittedly these two could be long lost twins, but I have to give Monstar a slight edge in coolness. When Mumm-ra transforms, he goes from a decrepit mummy, to a strong mummy, while Monstar changes from an ugly psycho guy, to a psychotic cyborg. I mean, who's cooler, a mummy or a cyborg?

The Evil Henchmen of Monstar vs. the Mutants - Any cartoon of the '80's stands on how good the villains are. Now, no show ever quite matched Megatron and Starscream (Woo-hoo!) from the Transformers, or even Cobra Commander (Yeah!) on G.I. Joe, but they still had to try if they wanted to be cool. Now, the problem with the mutants on Thundercats was that they were the biggest set of bumbling idiots outside of a Pink Panther movie. But Monstar's henchmen, while bumbling, at least had brains. The only reason the mutants were ever a threat to the Thundercats was that they took orders from Mumm-ra. But Monstar's henchmen actually thought for themselves, and were able to pose credible threats to the Silverhawks on their own.

So as you can see, the Silverhawks are far superior to the Thundercats. On almost every point, the Silverhawks prove better. If you don't believe me, let me just add this: The Silverhawks had no Snarf character.

Fear for the Future -- Fear for Us All

2008-02-26T12:51:00.001-05:00

Cali Lewis giggles with glee as she announces that the world is one step closer to a fully functional coin-operated boy -- the Beijing Bubby Robot Technologies Co., Ltd. has unveiled their new breast massaging robot. The inventors claim this device is for, the "female who is having the period, want to release the swelling pain of breasts," "women, who are under pressure, want to relax themselves," "Women who want to improve the quality of their sex activities," "women who want to have pretty breasts," and "girls who are reaching or having reached puberty, hope to improve the growth of breast," but this is clearly cover for their real purpose -- the elimination of men. This device comes less than a year after scientists announced that they had successfully transformed an ova into sperm. If scientists invent a robot that can open jars of pickles, fix leaky faucets, and be manipulated into going to expensive restaurants for vague promises of sex, women will have further need for men.

Cameron Diaz Should Never Open her Mouth

2008-02-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

Listening to Cameron Diaz present the Oscar for Best Cinematography and talking about Sunrise, the first film to win in the category, it's quite clear that she doesn't know anything except what's on the cue cards. "Ooo, the characters in the film were called the Man and the Woman. Isn't that crazy!" I'm reminded that the Anna Farris character in Lost in Translation was based upon her. I wonder if she knows the difference between F.W. Murnau and Evelyn Waugh?

Does Anyone Know ...

2008-02-23T19:08:00.001-05:00

...where Barack Obama was on 22 November 1963? I've looked all over the Internet, and I can't seem to find anything on the subject. I find it a highly suspicious omission. What is his campaign trying to hide?

Live in Boston? Want to Earn Half a Million Dollars?

2008-02-21T02:12:00.001-05:00

Man, American celebrity scandals suck in comparison to Hong Kong's.

It's been called the equivalent of the 9/11 disaster for the Hong Kong entertainment industry.

Just as the Fatty Arbuckle scandal was the equivalent of the Somme.

Sexually explicit pictures and a steamy video shot by Cantopop icon Edison Chen with female singers and actresses who have shared his bed have spread like wildfire around Asia over the past few weeks.

In a business that carefully grooms starlets with innocent, virginal images, the scandal is threatening to destroy careers and fortunes.

More than 1,000 stolen pictures are circulating of the 27-year-old Chen and eight well-known women, including Maggie Q, Bobo Chan, Cecilia Cheung and Gillian Chung of the Twins duo.

Lucky bastard.

Really lucky bastard.

God damned lucky bastard.

Sonuvabitch.

This week, the Beijing Association of Online Media censured Baidu.com (nasdaq: BIDU - news - people ), China’s dominant search engine, for delaying taking effective action to block the availability of the images to Chinese Internet users, who have caused a spike in traffic in their zeal to find them. It called for Baidu to make a public apology for the harm it has done to the society.

Shot with a Samsung digital camera and stored on an Apple laptop, the photos weren't intended for public consumption by Chen, who has appeared in over 20 Hong Kong movies, including the popular Infernal Affairs trilogy. The pictures were reportedly swiped from his computer when he took it in for repairs at a shop in downtown Hong Kong.

The photos quickly became favorite fodder during the Chinese Lunar New Year holiday, causing a surge in Internet traffic across China, Taiwan and Hong Kong as the curious rushed to download them.

The affair has proved to be a shocking revelation of the private lives of a new generation of celebrities, many of whom have been portrayed by PR agents as models for today’s youth.

A survey in Hong Kong found more than 30% of high school students have passed the pictures around among themselves and 74% of them brought the issue up with their parents.

"Daddy, what are you looking at?"

"Nothing"

"Is that a picture of Maggie Q?"

"Um ... yes."

"What type of lollipop is she licking?"

"It's a ... testcicle. But they don't taste very good. Or so I hear. You wouldn't like them. EVER."

A lingerie producer on the island of Hainan has rung up roaring sales of knockoffs of the lacy underthings worn by Maggie Q in the pictures, according to the Guangzhou-based Southern Metropolis newspaper.

Maggie Q should've taken a lesson from Britney Spears -- slimy businessmen can't sell knock-off knickers if you don't wear undies.

For Chen himself, the price he pays for the episode might be far more than lost sponsorship deals.

Hong Kong criminal groups, which are deeply involved in the local entertainment industry, are said to be upset by the damage done to the singers they have cultivated. On Wednesday, the Apple Daily newspaper reported that an underworld figure is offering a reward of half a million Hong Kong dollars to anyone who hacks off one of Chen's hands.

But I guess Britney and Lindsay should be grateful they don't live in Hong Kong.

"I Should Be in a Museum"

2008-02-06T13:53:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to keep an open mind about the new Indiana Jones movie, but really ...

... Indy shouldn't look like he's yelling at kids to get off his lawn.

Better Sex Through High Heels

2008-02-06T13:03:00.001-05:00

Finally, a scientific explanation for why high heels are sexy.

Experts found the high heels toned women’s legs and strengthened pelvic muscles.

In tests, Dr Maria Cerruto, of the University of Verona, Italy, discovered that wearing a pair
of ‘‘moderately high heeled shoes’’ had beneficial effects for a woman’s sex life.

‘‘Heels work the pelvic muscles and reduce the need to exercise them.

‘‘Wearing heels during daily activity may reduce the need for the pelvic floor exercises necessary
to keep that part of a woman’s anatomy toned and elastic,’’ Cerruto said.

She asked 66 women under 50 about their sex lives, exercise regime and shoes.

In tests, their pelvic muscles were more relaxed in higher heels, increasing their strength
and ability to contract.

‘‘Women often have difficulty in carrying out the right exercises for the pelvic zone and
wearing heels could prove to be the solution,’’ Cerruto said.

Manolo Blahnik, whose shoes are worn by Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, said: ‘‘This is wonderful news. I’ve been hounded for years about how bad it is for posture, but
. . . when you put on a high heel it makes life more exciting. For women, it’s a way to appeal to
the male species.

‘‘There’s a limit. Anything over 11.5cm, you can’t walk properly; it’s no longer elegant.’

The Crusader of Clean in the Adventure of the Underage Girls

2008-01-28T16:33:00.001-05:00

Say what you will about Mormons, they sure do give us some salacious news stories.

A Utah retailer of family-friendly tapes and DVDs - Hollywood films with the "dirty parts" cut out of them - has been arrested for trading sex with two 14-year-old girls.

Orem police say Flix Club owner Daniel Dean Thompson, 31, and Issac Lifferth, 24, were booked into the Utah County jail on charges of sexual abuse and unlawful sexual activity with a 14-year-old.

CBS Station KUTV in Salt Lake City reports that the shocking discovery came when a mother found a $20 bill in her daughter’s room last week and questioned her about where the money came from.

The girl confessed that she and a friend had been paid for sexual favors by an older male.

Lifferth was additionally charged with patronizing a prostitute and was also in possession of a prescription drug medication without a prescription.

Thompson's Flix Club was one of several Utah-based video outlets that traded in edited versions of R- and PG-13-rated films, catering to clientele who wanted to watch hit movies without nudity, sex, language or graphic violence.

Such video editing operations came under the gun of Hollywood studios and the Directors Guild of America.

In a case brought by the DGA, a federal judge ruled in 2006 that editing out material (such as Kate Winslet's bare breasts in "Titanic") violated copyright laws. The decision was against a Utah company called Clean Flicks.

Thompson, who was a franchise operator for Clean Flicks, opened Flix Club last year, similarly trading in edited videos but claiming that such editing was for "educational use."

Yeah, he cares about education so much it hurts -- or at least it will soon, in the ass.

Barack vs Bad-Back Jack

2008-01-27T18:19:00.001-05:00

Caroline "My Greatest Accomplishment Was Half of Me Getting Squirted out of My Daddy's Cock" Kennedy is endorsing Barack Obama.

OVER the years, I’ve been deeply moved by the people who’ve told me they wished they could feel inspired and hopeful about America the way people did when my father was president. This sense is even more profound today. That is why I am supporting a presidential candidate in the Democratic primaries, Barack Obama.

Obama is like JFK? How? Obama's father isn't a mobbed-up bootlegger who did business with the Nazis, and is now buying his son an election. His hair isn't shellacked in place. There aren't any slutty actresses even half as classy as Marilyn Monroe around, so who's he going to screw? Lindsay Lohan? Britney Spears? I don't think so. I'm not aware that he has a brother with political ambition, and even if he did Congress outlawed Presidential nepotism after Kennedy. If she's suggesting that he's going to screw up early foreign policy challenges, thus encouraging our enemies to take advantage of him until he has no choice but to play a game of nuclear brinkmanship, I'd hope she wouldn't be endorsing him. I certainly hope Ms. Kennedy isn't suggesting that Michelle Obama will marry Richard Branson or Rupert Murdoch after her husband is assassinated by a left-wing kook. So what exactly does Ms. Kennedy mean, except, "Everybody loved my daddy, so you should listen to what I think."

The Worst Movies You've Never Seen

2008-01-27T13:09:00.001-05:00

Mac's Cutting Edge Technology

2008-01-26T11:15:00.001-05:00

Freak on a Leash

2008-01-24T13:46:00.001-05:00

Don't you love it when people insist on displaying their sexual fetishes in public?

Given that she describes herself as a human pet – and is happy to walk around on a lead – Tasha Maltby is used to odd looks and even odder remarks.

But nothing had prepared her for the reaction of the bus driver who allegedly told the self-styled Goth and her boyfriend: "We don't let freaks and dogs like you on."

Miss Maltby and her fiance Dani Graves were so angered they have complained to the bus company of being "victimised".

The music technology student had this defence of her lifestyle.

"I am a pet, I generally act animal like and I lead a really easy life," she said.

"I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone."

The bus driver, however, has obviously not been listening.

He has repeatedly refused to allow Mr Graves, 25, and his "pet" on to his bus in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire.

Last month, with Miss Maltby on a leash as usual, the couple tried to board a bus at the bus station.

The driver, who was off duty, was standing near the door.

Mr Graves alleged: "He shoved me off the bus. He called us freaks and he called Tasha a dog.

"He said, 'We don't let freaks and dogs like you on'.

"He basically grabbed my T-shirt and slammed me backwards.

"I got a bit angry and called him a fascist pig."

In a separate incident, police were called when the driver, who has not been named, refused to allow other passengers on board after the couple ignored his orders and sat down.

The couple, who live on benefits in a council house and plan to start a family, have been friends for years.

They started going out together in July and became engaged in November.

Paul Adcock, of bus company Arriva Yorkshire, said: "We take any allegations of discrimination seriously.

"Mr Graves has already contacted us directly and as soon as our investigation has concluded we will inform him of the outcome."

Now people like this deserve to be mocked, but denying them access to public transportation is a bit much. As long as she doesn't piddle on the seat, it's no big deal -- and if she does, then she's a bad girl who deserves to be spanked good and hard ....

Mmmmm.

Wait, what was I saying?

Still, I think this story has a very important take-home lesson -- even the ugliest unemployed dork with a horrible sense of style can get a really hot chick to sleep with him.

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Smoke of the Divine Wind on the August Water

2008-01-24T11:42:00.001-05:00

For some reason, I want to hear these guys do the James Bond theme.

Asshats Never Rest

2008-01-23T02:24:00.001-05:00

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Britney Spears Strikes Again

2008-01-22T19:21:00.001-05:00

EXCLUSIVE!

Gibberish in Neutral has learned that Britney Spears struck a deal with the Devil last week to stave off her imminent death from overdose. To effect this, Spears had to agree to let one young, more talented star die for every week she lives past her expiration date. This is why Brad Renfro died last week, and why Heath Ledger died today. (Sadly, though Ms. Spears is infinitesimally talented, Paris Hilton and everyone associated with American Idol is less so.) We at Gibberish in Neutral call upon Britney to rescind her pact and embrace the healing power of Jebus, before more young celebrities die and ruin Terry Gilliam movies.

I Like Tin Butts and I Cannot Lie

2008-01-22T18:50:00.001-05:00

One thing I've learned from Battlestar Galactica and the new Terminator series is that fembots are teh hawt. And if you don't like their personality, you can just reprogram them -- perfect. If God truly loved mankind, he would've done it this way from the start

But given all the possibilities, which model would I select -- a nice pneumatic Six?

Nice, but not really my taste. Perhaps a bot with a little meat on her bones:

Nah, their exhaust ports are too big. Besides, the Crushinator is too high class. Maybe a nice Taminator.

Now we're getting close, but she's a bit too lean. Let's take a look at the D'anna Biers model.

Ah, that's more like it. Meaty but without being too thick. She'd make a nice pair with one of those exotic Boomers:

She's pretty nice too. It's a tough call. And then there's a nice replicant twofer:

Now the Rachel model is exactly to my taste, and I'm betting the Pris cleans up well -- just remove the gunk around the eyes. I think I'll take the pair of them, the D'anna, two Boomers, and a Taminator. Then we can make lots of these:

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Holy Vingean Terminators, Batman!

2008-01-21T21:41:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'm now a confirmed fan of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles: John Connor just started talking about the Singularity. I believe this is the first time Vernor Vinge has ever made it on prime-time television.

Airplane vs. Conveyor Belt

2008-01-20T00:56:00.001-05:00

This promises to be the best Mythbusters ever:

My prediction -- the airplane is thrusting against the air, and will therefore move forward regardless of the conveyor belt moving the other way -- essentially the landing gear will spin twice as fast for the same thrust.

The AFI Top 10 Top 10 Lists List

2008-01-19T19:53:00.001-05:00

I've never been a big fan of AFI's endless Top 100 lists that just trot out the usual suspects, but even by their standards this is a pretty crappy list. The top 10 films for 10 genres? And what genres -- "Courtroom Dramas"? Why not just fold that into drama? Sci Fi and Fantasy get separate categories, but there's no horror? They're truly scraping the bottom of the barrel for their lists, and should probably retire the whole thing -- if they want to continue their television specials, why not focus on great actors and directors -- give us a one hour special on Alfred Hitchcock or Cary Grant! Oh, wait, those don't appeal to their demographics.

Criswell Predicts

2008-01-18T22:37:00.001-05:00

You know, I really wish I lived in a world where Criswell's predictions were correct.