Dr. RMC, Non-Fiction Scientist

The "mental" game

2008-07-16T16:19:00.003-06:00

I am a runner and rock climber, as I have mentioned before. Recently, it has been re-emphasized to me that one factor in the extraordinary performance and abilities of some of the "rock star" (e.g. really good) runners and climbers seems to be "mental" or attitude. Granted, they all work very hard at their sport, training for long hours, etc. But it is the mental capacity that fascinates me right now. One of my fellow co-worker scientists (who is an excellent runner sponsored by a shoe company) pointed out that one of these runner rock stars seems to be totally "zen" while running.. nothing gets this person down... and perhaps this saves or directs energy to where it is needed, and so energy is not "wasted" on stupid stuff, like getting mad about tripping over a rock.
What does all this have to do with science? Well I get mad a lot, at little things. And I feel like I need to work on my mental game.. flow don't force.. as one climber put it.
I know this is not very clear, I will work on making the ideas of this post clearer.
Comments??

What makes a good "group" web page?

2008-06-26T16:48:00.005-06:00

Over the years, a lot of my 1st impressions and initial investigations into various departments, research groups, programs, etc have come from web pages.
I am thinking about this differently now that I am beginning to transition from postdoc to assistant professor. I think it is very important to have a good web page for the following reasons:
1. A web page puts a "face" on your research group
2. It can help set, define, and advertise the lab "culture" which is important for recruiting students and publicizing your work in an informal way
3. It is a good way for people to see the progression of your research if there are "news" sections, etc highlighting recent findings, publications, etc

I am starting to take notice of web pages that I like a lot, to get ideas for how to make mine. Does anyone have any favs to recommend or thoughts about what makes a good research group web page?

Here are some I like:
http://www.utsc.utoronto.ca/~asimpson/
http://www.chem.umn.edu/groups/haynes/
http://spot.colorado.edu/~nemergut/

OMG, what did I sign up for..??

2008-06-25T10:42:00.003-06:00

I accepted the offer for the faculty position at "very awesome major university". I accepted it because I felt like with all the wonderful & abundant resources there, it would be easier for me to meet my research goals (and thus get tenure) compared to other places. I have recently learned (realized) that my own expectations are at least as high as, if not higher, than my future tenure committee at a very good school. I am ambitious, and want to do BIG SCIENCE... exciting science. I want to push my field.
This was my first interview, and it seems weird in some way to accept my first offer from my only interview. Kinda like buying the first dress you try on...? But this position in this department"fit" me so well!!
So now what?!?! I don't start till next spring/summer. I am currently finishing postdoc #2 and papers from postdoc #1. Smooth sailing, chill-out time right? When I start to think about what I signed up for.. assistant prof at very good school, I sometimes get attacks of FEAR, and I feel my breath taken away temporarily. Holy sh!t !! Can I really do this?? I got this fear attack yesterday when I got my first email from a potential student. This student is currently an MS student in my future dept. and is interested in doing a PhD with me, and wants to discuss this. I haven't responded, because I don't know what to say!!! Ack!! First of all, well I can't even organize thoughts into firsts. How do I decide..? I also find myself worried about this student's future career options, etc etc. Jeepers I am a mess over this.
I feel like I must not show any weakness or indecision, I must project leadership and confidence to the students. It's analogous to wild animals: if they sense fear (which they can, in body language for example) you're screwed. But at this point, I'm just trying to finish papers and then start writing grants, I do not know what to say to students yet..!!
Help..!!

Single-minded scientist

2008-05-27T17:11:00.004-06:00

I won't be, and am not currently, a single-minded scientist type. I just want to state for the record, when I enter my independent career as a faculty member in academia, I will have a life. I will have a life during and up to and after the tenure review.
This has been on my mind a lot, as I am deciding to accept or decline a faculty position recently offered to me. Then, I read this post and I decided to put my intentions out to the world at large.
I run, rock climb, bake, do yoga, ski, hike, drink EtOH and visit family. I will do all of that AND be an excellent scientist in academia.
There is room for someone like me in academia. I refuse to fit the mold of the single-minded type. My balance-as I have mentioned before- is more skewed towards science and work than my climber friends for example, and that is an excellent choice for me, but I won't be single-minded about science.
This is all I have time for today, as I am about to leave the lab to go climb rock.

Taking up space: start-up package

2008-05-20T15:19:00.003-06:00

I was recently offered a faculty position at an excellent public university (R1). I am being given all kinds of very helpful advice and information as I prepare my start-up package prior to my upcoming second visit and negotiations. The common theme of the advice I am receiving from all sources is "ask for what you need to be successful". Seems easy, but I am having a hard time with this. I have created a detailed document (including several tables) outlining my start-up budget. I know the total amount is significantly higher (by about 40%) than the average start-up package for new faculty in comparable departments. There is one reason my start-up is so high: one instrument I think I need is very expensive, it's cost accounts for roughly 40% of my total start-up budget.
It really freaks me out to ask for so much, hence the issue of taking up space. Obviously the space I am referring to here is not physical, rather it refers to asking for a lot of department resources. All my mentors (if it matters to anyone they are all male in this case), have advised me to literally not shy away and to ask for everything, despite the high grand total. Why am I freaked out? First, I do not want to create a situation where I start a new position and find myself resented by other faculty because I asked for (and received) way more $$ than they did. Secondly, and a bigger fear for me, what if my research ideas for this $$ instrument do not work? I know I can do a lot of my "bread-n-butter" low-hanging fruit type research on this instrument, but the "accessory" that I want which would allow me to pursue bigger, riskier questions is what makes it cost so much. What if this area of my research does not pan out? Have I wasted department resources that could have been better spent on something/someone else? That is what my fears boils down to I think.
So my start-up document currently contains two options: option 1 includes everything I want and has a huge grand total, while option two does not include the fancy, $ "accessory" and hence is a much more reasonable start-up amount. I know I should not give someone in charge two options, one much cheaper than the other.. I just do not want to seem unreasonable. My former postdoc advisor knows my research ideas and while he acknowledges they may be risky, he doesn't think they are impossible or totally crazy and he has advised me to ask for the grand total and not to be "wishy-washy" about it. He knows I have a tendency to start talking myself or my needs down as soon as I ask for something.
I think it just boils down to that fact that I do not want to be perceived as unreasonable, and I do not want to make promises that I may be unlikely to deliver (e.g. success on riskier research questions with fancy instrument).
I guess the worst thing that can happen is they say no to my grand total and I figure it out from there right??

Impolite, uncourteous reveiwers

2008-05-14T08:26:00.004-06:00

It happens to all of us: we get a paper back from a journal including a review that contains hurtful comments. The thing is, this isn't necessary. We can all find a way to write "wow this section sucks I don't think these authors understand this concept" without saying just that. And in fact, it is much more helpful to find a constructive, objective way of saying illustrating a point. But it takes more time of the reviewer to hammer out exactly what is "wrong" and to defend their position than it does to write something like "clearly the authors just do not understand this concept".
Yes.. I just got a paper rejected from a journal. One reviewer had very nice, constructive comments and did not reject it. The second reviewer (the "meany") totally slammed it, but within the negative, impolite comments there are some constructive criticisms and some positive comments. the third reviewer seems to be ambiguous. The journal editor invites us to submit again after addressing the comments and it will be sent out for review again. I bet my co-authors will want to re-submit. We'll take the high road: we'll politely address the reviewers comments, re-write the paper, not play into the negativity, and in all likelihood it will get published. There is some eg0-swallowing that must be done to take the high road. I really want to vehemently object to reviewer #2s comment that clearly I do not understand concept X but I won't. Here in this blog though, I'll have it out. Reviewer #2 uses much of the same wording as I do in the paper to explain concept X but then concludes that we don't get it. Further, the reviewer doesn't object to our calculations of concept X... which makes it seem unreasonable to conclude that we just don't get it. I do see how the reviewer could be confused on some aspects of my wording though, and I will change it to make it less confusing. The really funny thing is that this reviewer DEMANDED that we PROVE to him/her one point. I think this person made this demand in clear anticipation that we would not be able to do it but we can and we will. I would not have written it if I could not have backed it up. And when I "prove" this point to the reviewer, I will enjoy the satisfaction that this subtley suggests that this reviewer is not as smart as he/she thinks. This will make the reviewer look bad, and I will enjoy it.
One thing I learned from my PhD advisor is to try to frame things in a positive manner. This does not mean "bull shit" or be insincere. It means that instead of focusing on the negative, find a way frame problems, unknowns, or criticism in a positive way. When I do this, I see that it brings people on board rather than putting up defenses and closing people off. I have seen this pay off in the short and long term for my former advisor in many ways, and I am seeing it pay off for me too. It is not always easy to do, but in the end, it pays off. I'm sure of it. And I have been approaching my reviews this way too. As a junior reviewer, I think I get a lot of the crappy papers out there, and I find a way to point out the problems without being condescending, snotty, mean, immature, etc. I would never have written "clearly the authors do not understand..." I would instead have written something to express the need for clarification, etc etc and backed it up with my perceived differences in my understanding vs. the authors.
This is how science goes. Within 1 week, I got an offer for a very excellent faculty position and I got invited to give a plenary talk at a conference, so I was flying high and feeling pretty good about myself.. until I got this paper rejected and read the reviews. Oh well, the latter is temporary and can be fixed.

My 1st academic job offer

2008-05-13T09:19:00.007-06:00

So the phone interview turned into a 1-on-1 interview which resulted in an offer from this very excellent R1 school. They want to hire me, as an assistant professor. I am really excited and thrilled. It is really nice to be wanted and valued by a great department and school.
If anyone ever reads this, I can attest that a big factor in getting this job offer was that I do research exactly in the area they were looking to fill with this hire. This makes me feel way less badly about not getting interviews elsewhere. It likely does not mean that I wasn't good enough, it just means I wasn't what they were looking for in terms of bringing some particular scientific strength to their department. I know this may seem obvious; I was always told that search committees write these ads for a reason after much debate, discussion, etc but I guess it becomes clearer after having gone through the process. And there have been times when I have applied for a position that was kind of a stretch but nonetheless I argued that my research fit the ad description. I don't know if I would be less inclined to do that, but I am certainly more understanding of why I would not hear back in such cases.
Anyway,I really want this job. It is really kinda scary going through the negotiation process though. I want one really $$$$ instrument, and a bunch of semi-$$ instruments, a nice lab, funding for grad students for awhile, my summer salary for 1-2 yrs, computers, general lap supplies, etc. All this adds up to quite a large chunk of change, and I am afraid that I am asking for too much. Everyone says ask for it, they want me to be successful and that new instruments will bring new capabilities to the department, etc and this is one big way in which depts. get new instruments, etc. However, I find myself waking up at 5am freaking out thinking "did I really ask for that $$$$ instrument..? OMG!!" There are so many things I do not know. Like how much $$ is reasonable for chemicals and general lab supplies like beakers, what about balances?
Then I think about what I'll do once I get this stuff. How will I know how to structure an MS or PhD thesis for students? I can think of lots of ideas and specific research problems, but organizing them into someone's thesis is rather scary. It's not just me anymore, now I'm responsible for someone else..!! ACK. I really like the analogy that academic research labs run by a professor-PI are like small businesses, as discussed here.
Lastly, and most importantly.. the two-body problem. My husband does not want to move to the location of this university. He loves the area where we currently live, and I do too. But I have the excitement about this awesome job that dulls down the fact that the location is less than awesome for us. He doesn't have that. He does see that this is a very awesome and special position that is not likely to found or offered to me regularly at this point in my career. It is so awesome for many reasons but mainly because 1. it is an awesome school 2. Both the dept. and I think I would fit in very well. All my advisors, mentors, collaborators strongly urge me not to turn this one down*, and to find a way to make it work with my husband. I want to, but how can I ask him to potentially give up so much of what makes him really happy on a day-to-day basis for my career? He feels similarly.. he feels like how can he ask me to turn this down so he can have his fun every day.. but really, both these things are really important to both of us. I do not know how to find a compromise here. I know he is clinging to the hope that I will decide to turn it down b/c I will find a job like this elsewhere (in a better location) but I honestly do not think that is likely. It is a small world, and at this point I know the depts. in my field very well (as do my advisors) and we all agree that it is not very likely at all that this type of opportunity will open up in a place where my husband wants to live. Right now, I am just hoping that he will see things differently when we visit the university for the negotiations, etc.

*I have turned down other "good opportunities" before.. for example I turned down a postdoc position at a very good private university b/c my husband and I didn't want to live there and I didn't feel like it was "right". I feel differently about this position, despite the non-ideal location.

I love Ammrrrrica

2008-05-07T14:39:00.003-06:00

I just want to proclaim that I think I have it pretty good here in 2008 as a female scientist, large-chested runner, and vegetarian. I am not being satirical, I am serious. Today is a day to appreciate some small things. Like sports bras for example. Not too long ago (year 2000 for example), it was very difficult to find a high quality (functional, breathable) sports bra for large chest sizes.. since most female runners (especially most FAST female runners) are fairly small chested and so sports bras did not have to be awesome.. the ones made for larger chested women were just ...larger.. they didn't work well to support, stop bounce, etc. I had to use multiple bras and duct tape to run marathons, and really-- I'm not THAT huge.. I just didn't want to bounce and chafe. Maybe there are some down-sides to this increased popularity and availability of quality sports bras (like increased CO2 emissions when I order my bra online from Title Nine). But I think overall if more people are running, including us large chested runner chics, the health benefits must outweigh some of the negatives.
I have been a vegetarian my whole life. Similarly to sports bra availability, it has become a lot easier to be a vegetarian these days. Most people are conscientious about the possibility that someone they may be feeding or eating with may be a veg-head. Even at work meetings there are often meat and veggie options for pizza or whatever; I no longer have to make special requests or notifications. And not to mention the awesome vegetarian friendly restaurants all over..! Yea for vegetarian friendly!! (Note: I like meat, I just don't want to eat it. I think people should eat meat, I am just celebrating the fact that I have the option not to eat meat).
And yes.. I am glad I am a female scientist in 2008. Things are not perfectly equal between men and women in science, but I feel like it is pretty good (say compared to what it used to be like) and I am so grateful. I love science, and can not imagine having to go through some of the things my female predecessors endured to have a career in science.

ps. this post is a direct consequence of not having enough to do at work right now.. everything.. papers, experiments, etc is on hold..

"Old girls network"

2008-04-29T17:48:00.004-06:00

In preparing for my faculty position interview (see post below), I got a lot of great help and advice from both male and female mentors in my field. The best help I got though, was from a young female professor who is committed to establishing and participating in an "old girls network" to help women succeed in science (and academia in particular). Although we live > 1000 miles apart, she called me and went through my seminar slides in great detail, and really helped me see the differences between a technical research seminar and an interview seminar.
I am pointing this out because 1. it was awesome and 2. I feel that despite the competitive nature of academia, people have really been bending over backwards to help me out.
I am also committed to the idea of this "old girls network" and am eager to pass on what I have learned.
In addition, I have realized that a lot of the big dreams/goals and ambitions of my youth have come to fruition. Basically, I have done a lot of what I set out to do. I am in a period where I am developing new goals and dreams, and it is now occurring to me, especially as I consider a faculty position, that it would be great to have some of my new goals and dreams shaped and inspired by students (hopefully including female students), because I will soon be in a position where I can help out by creating exciting research opportunities, etc, as my mentors did for me.

Processing the IN-PERSON interview

2008-04-29T17:26:00.004-06:00

Wow am I exhausted. I just returned from a 2.5 day interview for a faculty position at a very highly ranked public university- the same one I had the phone interview with.. (guess I didn't completely bomb the phone interview). The interview started when I got off the plane. I was picked up by a faculty member and taken to dinner. The dinner was a nice, casual way to begin the interview.. took away some of the nervousness. The following 2 days I was scheduled from 8am to ~ 9pm for 1-on-1 meetings with faculty (about 1 per hr), group lunches with grad students and postdocs, more dinners with faculty, my seminar, and a breakfast meeting with the dept. chair. at night in the privacy of my hotel room, I practiced my talk for the seminar and I read articles and abstracts by the faculty I knew I would be meeting with. This meant that I slept < 5 hrs per night. It was a very intense experience, and while I am a very intense person, the intensity level was higher than my normal. I could not maintain that level of intensity for more than 3 days or so.
If any other young scientist ever reads this, I can attest that the format and questions I got from everyone were consistent with what is listed as "typical" on the career prep. pages of Science Magazine, for example. There were really no surprises. I did however get two kinda inappropriate comments, and that is also listed as something that women typically experience during interviews. So I supposed I can conclude that my experience was typical, and really great.
Especially now that the interview is over, I can look back and say I had a great time. I really loved the department and I think I would fit in well. I also think I did well in the interview, especially considering it was my 1st one. I got a lot of positive comments and feedback from students and faculty.
This leads me to my new insight: departmental fit. It is only now really sinking in to me how important this is. I mean, I know it sounds obvious that ideally one should somehow fit in to a department, I am only now starting to get what that means and how important it is, especially given my field of environmental related work where there is a lot of collaboration and interdisciplinary work.
I think one reason the interview went so well is that they were advertising for someone like me (ie someone with my specific research interests, backgrounds and skills). When I looked into the history of the department (via the webpage, talking to faculty both in and outside the department before and during my interview), it was clear to me why they wanted to hire someone like me. They had someone like me previously and this person retired. This made the interview a lot easier than if I had convince people that my research is important. This department knew my research was important, and that was a nice feeling. Having been places where I have not felt valued (i.e. now at my current postdoc), I am realizing how important it is for my success to be valued, in large part for developing collaborations.
I got one email already from a faculty member in the department about a potential collaboration, which I take to be a a very positive feedback!!
One thing that was really really nice about the interview was a dinner with the relatively young (new hires, un-tenured) faculty my last night, after my talk and I was all relaxed. I had a blast. They were funny, and I felt like they treated me like "an equal" (i.e. peer). This is a new experience for me.. even though I certainly do not feel "looked down on" or anything as a postdoc, it is still different to be "an equal" with faculty. I think I am in the transition period from postdoc to aspiring faculty member and I aim to enjoy it, stress level and all.

Processing the interview

2008-04-10T09:40:00.003-06:00

I am trying to let go and recover from my 1st faculty interview of any kind, which I experienced yesterday. It was a preliminary phone interview, and was pretty uncomfortable. I don't think I made a great impression. I prepared a lot for the interview. I made note cards of most of the faculty in the dept. so I could talk about who I would like to collaborate with, etc. I knew which classes I would want to teach. I knew what resources I would need to get started, and I had a clear, outlined 5 yr research plan, as well as longer term, 10 yr goals. I had practiced responses of why they should hire me, and why I would fit in to the department. I had questions prepared for them. So what went wrong? I think I was expecting a very hostile, "you must prove yourself and convince us that you are good enough" atmosphere, and I prepared with that expectation in mind. I was thrown off guard then, when the interviewers were actually friendly, and instead of being hostile, they just wanted to get a feel for who I am and how would I see myself fitting in, etc in a broad sense. I had a very hard time answering their questions, even though they were the ones I was prepared for, because the tone was so different than what I had prepared for. I found myself confused and stumbling, words would not come to my head. Worse yet, I very clear, excellent responses to their questions came to my head after my initial responses, and I was too shy to attempt to correct myself or go back to a previous question.
I think a very positive outcome of this experience is that I now have some frame of reference for what the experience will actually be like, so I won't make out to be so horrible in my head. This will make me much more relaxed and sure of myself for the next time around. I think I missed an opportunity to really communicate, but I have to look at it as a learning experience. I will do better next time for sure. I won't prepare for it like it is going to be a hostile investigation, but rather a friendly "get-to-know-you" Q&A among colleagues.
One really big difference in the tone was that I really expected to have to convince them that I would fit in and be valuable, but they asked me instead what they had to offer that I would not find elsewhere in another dept. that would compliment, add to my research. I was to taken off guard by how that question was phrased. I think it is a good lesson.. every "one" (in this case, every dept.) wants to be valued right? I was so focused on having to justify my own research value that I forgot consider the "value" of the dept.
Also, one more somewhat minor mistake. I should have posed a question to the students who were sitting in on the interview, rather I directed all my questions to the faculty. I know in person I would not have done that. It was hard to remember given the nature of the non-in-person interview.

Fire.. hehehehe... fire..

2008-04-04T09:55:00.007-06:00

Recently I did my 1st real experiment for my new postdoc, which is a decidedly different research topic from my MS, PhD and last postdoc, although pretty much in the same sub-field if you look at it like I do.. hahaha. I am now working with solids and gases rather than aqueous solutions!
So anyway, I was shining some bright, broad spectrum light on my "solid" sample and I kind of started a fire! I never worried about starting a fire with my aqueous samples (which were easier to keep cool, etc)! I am trying to investigate certain environmentally realistic, photochemical processes, not super intense, concentrated light and heat driven ones. Of course the "signal" I was trying to observe on the instrument was off the charts, which suggested something was wrong, and sure enough.. there was smoke. I guess I found this whole thing kinda funny and cool, and it makes me realize I need to understand light, heat and black body radiation on a deeper level. So I shall work on re-integrating the whole electromagnetic spectrum into my consciousness. I should add that the biggest part of the fire problem was that the beam was "too" focused. Once that was adjusted, no more fire.

Note: image from NOAA

Interview!

2008-04-03T15:42:00.004-06:00

I just got my 1st request for a faculty search interview at a really good university! I am so nervous, I won't be able to sleep for weeks.
I must admit I have needed this "boost". It is like a nice pat on the back, and I'll try to focus on the excitement rather than being nervous.
Coincidentally, today when I did my first real experiment for my brand new postdoc, I was thinking that I am pretty ready to be less at the bench and more in the "leadership" position. One year ago, I swore I would NEVER feel that way, that I would always want to be doing the lab work and thus I thought academia was not for me. At this point, I still _love_ the lab work.. it was thrilling today to see the 1st measurement from this new experiment! But, it now feels I have the potential to make bigger advances (in my career, and science in general?) when I am writing papers, proposals, developing ideas, doing hard core analysis in matlab (with ES's help ofcourse), etc. I guess I wonder if I am in the early stages of transformation from postdoc at the bench to PI.

My grad school essay

2008-04-02T09:22:00.005-06:00

Recently I read a post by FSP on what to write and what NOT to write in a grad school essay. It bothered me for several reasons. The most obvious reason I was bothered is because I definitely wrote some of the things she specifically suggested not to in my grad school essays. It has been milling about in my head for a while and I think I am bothered by her suggestions because while they do seem very appropriate, sensible and even agreeable to me now, I know I could not have sincerely written something like that when I applied to grad school.
I now realize, as I have matured and experienced life, that my reasons for doings things have changed. I am now much clearer on the type of career I want (academic) in order to pursue my passions, as such I could now sincerely write the type of grad school essay recommended by FSP. But at the time I applied to grad school, I was clear on what I was passionate about and what the source of my motivations were, but I did not have a clear career path in mind. Rather, grad school was an opportunity that met, more than any other path, my unconventional goals.
With hindsight, I can now see that I have consistently pursued science, freedom, and adventure. So looking back, perhaps if I had confidence and clarity, I probably would have written something that included such ideas as:
I love the natural world, and want to investigate it on a chemical/molecular level.
I want to be a scientific explorer. I need to combine the adventure and challenge of field work with exciting, novel lab work to explain natural phenomena and to understand human impacts on geo-processes.
I aim to do all this following the style, success and inspiration of the likes of Susan Solomon, Richard Feynman, Earnest Schackleton, and R.F. Scott.

That sounds pretty starry-eyed and idealistic, but it is true. And most importantly, I feel like that IS what I do. I have been all over the world for field work, and I have used the sweetest instruments for experiments and sample analysis. I'm no Susan Solomon or E. Shackleton, but they do inspire me daily.
I don't remember what exactly I wrote for my grad school essay, I think it had some elements of the sentiments above combined with some standard stuff like lab experience, etc. I doubt an essay that included those sentiments would have gone over very well. I now have the sense not to write something like that for my faculty application research statements. I now realize that in order to get the job that allows me to continue on as a scientific explorer, I have focus on my scientific strengths and not my personal motivations (which have not changed!).

What I will look for in a grad school essay when I am a PI... ?? Will I expect young scientists to write letters that conform to my current thinking on why people should go to grad school and do research? Or will I be open to understanding that their views may change, as mine did?

Boot-licker

2008-04-01T08:01:00.003-06:00

Last night my husband-Mr. Observant- told me that he sees me transform from alpha-female to boot-licker when asked to describe my career to friends, family and random strangers. I'm not sure why this is. I know I get nervous when asked this question by science and non-science people. I always think people want just a one-line answer like "scientist" but at the same time, I don't think I feel confident that I am a "real" scientist. I feel like I have to somehow explain that I am "just a postdoc" or something, and since-lay people don't generally know what a postdoc is, I generally don't say I am a postdoc, hence I get nervous identifying myself a scientist.
Perhaps one small, lingering aspect of it may be what I call the "9th grade phenomenon". In 9th grade, there was a transformation in "cool". Entering high school (9th grade) in hateful SC, I found out it was no longer cool to be smart, which was in contrast to some of my previous schools. At my high school, the average student who was good at sports was celebrated as a small town hero. It was not cool to stand out in any other way (i.e. with smarts). I totally defied that, but it was hard not to be influenced by it. This attitude was present at the big-10 university where I got my BS, although to a much smaller extent.
I really would like to think I am beyond influence of what is "cool" and what others think. I feel more confident now than I ever have. So I am truly confused about my I get so flustered when people ask me about my career.
Ah ha. I knew writing this out would help.. it's not the "9th grade phenomenon", and it's not exactly that I feel like a fake-scientist. It is that I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I perceive that people get uncomfortable when I tell them that I am a scientist. I happen to be pretty decent looking by the standards in our society, and then on top of it being a scientist sounds like I am super smart and successful. I know I have had the experience many times of responding to strangers when asked about my career and they find out I have a PhD and then they say "oh, well I'm just a bank-teller.." or something, and then I perceive that they seem uncomfortable and think I am looking down on them. FYI, I do not think I look down on people based on what their job or career is.. jeez, there are so many better reasons to look down on people!! (e.g. tan lines, choice in accessories.. etc).

New phrase needed

2008-03-31T17:38:00.000-06:00

I don't like the phrase 'selling myself' which I have been using to express the need to demonstrate to people how awesome my research is, and how much future potential I have as a scientist.

Selling myself sounds degrading and naughty
It makes me seem like a "product" and while I see the analogy, I don't like it

Any suggestions??

Evidence for the importance of community

2008-03-31T10:03:00.000-06:00

Ok, so here I am reviewing a paper which is not very good for a number of reasons. One relatively minor reason is that the authors do not refer to any of the current papers published by the "big dogs" on this topic. So in my last post, I complain about having to sell myself and fit in to a scientific community and then I go off to do a review for a journal, and find myself concerned that the authors do not put their results in the context of their specific scientific "community" (by that I mean referring to the papers specifically relevant to their study). As I said, the paper is not good, but the lack of current context makes the paper seem "extra fishy". So I conclude, that everyone does it, even me: some of my judgment of the science is based on how it "fits in". And that is not bad. The authors could have made the paper seem better by selling it better and putting it in light of relevant current findings (but I still would reject it based mostly on the quality of the data).
I guess my point is that how you communicate your science matters a lot in how you and your work is perceived, and it can only help if you make it seem awesome (as long as you stay within reality, and don't exaggerate or totally overdo it).
I have not put much- no I have not put any- effort into "selling" myself. Sometimes I think this is because I have the attitude that if people can't just see immediately how awesome my work is, then they are somehow not worth my time, but I don't really believe this. This attitude comes from insecurity and fear of not being valued by my community.
One thing I have learned is that when I do put my mind to something, I am often successful. So.. here goes. Time to work on "awesome-izing" myself. Progress reports forthcoming.

"Home"-less

2008-03-31T08:39:00.001-06:00

After not hearing back from University of We'll_regret_it_later about my application, I have been wondering why.
I really finally believe I am very good at science & research, and should be in academia. I don't want to turn into those "full-of-myself" egomaniac professor types, but honestly at this point I haven't met many people at my career stage who I think are better than I am. I try not to focus on comparing myself to others, but it happens.. and while I definitely think that so-n-so has some great strengths in this area or that, I think that overall I compare very well with my peers, and have my own unique strengths (and weaknesses).
I know my contributions and love of science are valued and praised by my advisors and colleagues. So what is the problem?? Well, there are probably a few, but I think it has to do with "selling" myself better to "strangers" (i.e. to people in depts. that do not know me or my research), and I could go on and on about that (and I probably will) but let's start with perhaps the low-hanging fruit of this issue: I am inter-disciplinary, and as such "home-less".
It is part of my personality that I have never wanted to be locked in to one area, but rather free (there is the freedom issue again) to move fluidly between subjects and questions that pique my curiosity. Academia is the best place to move fluidly like this, and to avoid getting locked in, but I have to first get the job!! And that means some dept. has to take a chance on me, and they will be less willing to do so if they don't KNOW me and my research. And the problem is, I am currently young and not broadly known enough to be so "inter-disciplinary" and "home-less".
I got my 3 degrees in 2 different depts (i.e. not the same "-ology" for all degrees and postdocs) and on top of it the depts. that I did my degrees in are not exactly the traditional depts. that have historically housed people doing the kind of research I do. Further, probably the best dept. for someone like me is neither of the 2+ depts. that I have gotten degrees from and postdoc'd in.
If you looked only at my published papers and the journals for which I review and nothing else, it is likely that you'd guess correctly the specific area of science I am in, but you would not guess it by looking at my formal education. I think this matters a lot for faculty job searches in traditional "-ology" depts. for a number of reasons. Firstly, if I don't have an undergrad degree in the dept. to which I am applying, there is a rightful concern about my ability to teach the undergrads this discipline (and let me say right here I love & respect disciplines, and definitely see the need for them, especially the one I got my BS in, it is just that I happen to not be the kind of scientist that fits neatly in to one). Secondly, I belong to 3 different scientific societies and I tend to bounce around between attending meetings due to my inter-disciplinary nature; I have not consistently gone to the same conf. year after year. This has prevented me from forming a scientific "community" of people who know me, and it also makes me seem "inconsistent". Thirdly, the people I have worked with (advisors, co-authors, etc etc) are spread in many different departments. Again, this means I am not known by a cohesive group of people in one area or department, which I think contributes to the "risk" of hiring me.
I have always thought that if I just did good science, the job will come, and likely it probably will. But I may have to re-prioritize right now and put more energy into meeting people and making myself better known in one area as well. I have always resented doing stuff like this, because it seems kinda fake and non-sciency.. but the reality of science is that people do science, not robots. There is a big "human dimension" to science (i.e. social part). So I can either be scornful and resentful and resist doing it which will probably delay me getting my ideal academic position or I can just suck it up and go to more meetings and try to make a good impression and build my scientific community. Hopefully this will help me get my ideal job sooner rather than later, which will give me the freedom I ultimately seek.

Anxiety Dreams

2008-03-25T08:19:00.001-06:00

I have always been plagued with anxiety dreams, who isn't? Perhaps it is more intense for me because I regularly remember my dreams.
Recently the theme of my anxiety dreams has been that I do something horrible to screw up my job or job potential. For example, last night I dreamt that, in cohoots with my sister AM*, I stole some jewellery from a stranger's hotel room. In the dream, it was all AM's idea (hahahaha). She knew where the jewellery would be and she somehow managed to get the key to the hotel room. But it was I who found the jewellery in the room. We were both of us nervously looking around for it.. AM was digging through luggage and I looked in a jewellery case (how imaginative), and found some jewellery but AM said it was not what we were looking for. I was super nervous that we'd be caught and found out, so I was telling AM to hurry up. I think we were sweating. Then I looked in a shelf above the closet and there were these huge strands (like +10 ft long) of beaded necklaces in soft oranges, green-ish blues, and off-white... AM said this is what we were looking for. Interestingly, the necklaces felt sort of cheap, even though they looked neat, I was wondering how they could really be that valuable. They felt like plastic or glass. They also had some shells in them, among the beads. I think we stuffed in them in bag and ran out of the hotel room. AM was then feeling guilty and nervous about being caught; she was crying and feeling like she too had been pressured into stealing. She said she had left a shawl in the room, and our fingerprints were all over everything. I said, very unscientifically, that it was unlikely we'd get caught, but at the same time I was horrified by the thought of getting caught. I kept thinking why did I have to go along with it? If I were to get caught my career would be ruined.. I was so upset at myself for going along with it and I kept thinking how much it was not worth it at the potential expense of screwing up my career.
A few nights ago, I had the same dream except that in place of stealing jewellery, I snuck away from a murder scence and let someone die because I was too lazy, scared, busy, etc to call 911. ACK!!! Again, I felt so guilty for letting someone die and somehow it translated into me not deserving a career or something.

*AM, I'm sorry, this dream in no way suggests you are a thief. It is all me and my subconscious!

3/24/08

2008-03-24T16:30:00.000-06:00

I was told again for the approx. 100th time today that I have more scientific enthusiasm & intensity than most people. I know this to be true about myself. I accept it, and take pride in it (finally, although I do think I live a balanced life, I'm not 100% focused on 1 thing, never could be, never will be). How do I translate this into getting interviews and my ideal academic position? Not sure yet.

3/20/08

2008-03-20T14:51:00.000-06:00

Right now I..

am about to submit 1 paper for review
have 2 papers that I am supposed to review for 2 different journals next week
have one paper accepted with revisions due back
am working on one proposal, may start on another; both due next week!
have one paper in review
owe co-authors some pre-submission revisions on another paper

And I'm leaving work early to climb rocks at 4pm. HA.
I love science. I think academia is for me!?!??!
To one thing constant never (Shakespeare said that in some play I think, Much ado about nothing??) which has served as my motto generally in life; however I have recently realized that I have always been partial to pursuit of ultimate Freedom, and this is something I have pursued consistently in my life. More on this later.

3/18/08

2008-03-19T16:44:00.000-06:00

Daily log in the life of a 30-ish yr old female scientist of non-fiction in some "ology" (definitely NOT procto-volcano-chemo-bio-geology, but interdisciplinary nonetheless).

Yesterday, I found out that a paper of mine (me as co-author, not 1st author) was accepted with not too horribly challenging revisions. Yeah!
Today I worked on a draft of a paper from my last postdoc. I got stuck, and sent it to my former advisor for help.
I am now (well almost now) working on a proposal, for CASH for more science.
I have not heard back on any academic jobs to which I have applied. Perhaps I don't have enough awards. How can I win some awards??? I have never cared about awards and such, and have focused on sweet science and lots of pubs, but perhaps in this competitive time, I need AWARDS too.