finding me!

Mooshu

2009-08-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

The street which i live in is a relatively busy one. But some how it is the home to many stray cats and dogs. One such stray dog lives in my house, under my car. My cousin calls him, Mooshu. He is a this underfed (of course) furry brown and white dog. Hes got a black nose, sharp ears and eyes that make you want to hug him.

I have seen many a stray dog, but none like Mooshu. Why? because Mooshu is the only stray dog i know that wants the same thing, that rich lonely people also want. any guesses!?!

LOVE.

Every day when i step out to take my dog for a walk Mooshu will come running and jump on me pleading for my attention and a few rubs under his neck. He then will accompany me through the whole walk, walking briskly in fornt of me, as if checking if every thing is ok!

This happened a few times and since he stays in my own house out side, i decided to try and feed him some thing when every i saw him. So i tried giving him chapathi, nope he din eat it. Bread, yes he ate that once, next time onwards he did'nt . Biscuit nope, burger nope, pizza crust, nope. Fine you would think he would at least drink water right!? but nooo...

The dog just did'nt want anything. All he wanted was for me to pet him and give him 5 mins of my day. these days he sits outside my front door all evening (which my mom hates of course) hoping i will come out.

When i do, i just cant go with out petting him. So gentle and so affectionate he is. Even for a few seconds i stop petting him, he'll immediately start nudging my fingers. When i open my car door once i get back home, he almost jumps into my car in full excitement.

Some times all people need is love. Once you give them love then they start expecting it and more, and it goes on and on. It is very difficult to satisfy any human being who craves for anything emotional, because not matter how much you do or what you do, it will never be enough. But with animals, you can do the same thing or give the same thing for 10 years and they'll still be happy and want nothing more. In return they will only give you their life!

Talk about fashion

2009-06-18T10:29:00.003-07:00

Talk about fashion
Originally uploaded by shreya zazu

One of my favorite pictures ...this when Lakshmi was posing for me ;-) o and she's wearing beautiful silver golisu's (anklets) ..Lakshmi is the elephant at the Manakula Vinayakar temple at Pondicherry.

UNDERSTANDING DEVI

2009-02-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

We see Devi in all kinds of ways today, we see her in a wooden shrine, in a brass image. See her as hilltop in gwahati , see her in Kolkatta’s kalighat in her fierce form, in Tibet as the bizarre figure riding a wild ass, in Nepal as a beautiful living child dressed in red…all of them address Devi as maa…the mother who protects them from everything!

There would be more than a thousand names for Devi because each of her temples go by a different names and many times her name is what that village or that city gets called by like Roma for Rome, Athena for Athens, Mumbai for Mumba Devi, Calcutta for Kali ka katta(seat of kali).
When it comes to worshiping her, it happens from just painting a rock to doing elaborate orthodox rituals. In Nepal they belive that the goddess resides in the kumari’s(virgins), and the royal kumari’s bless the king every year. The very form Devi is given is to receive darshan….as the act of seeing is a transfer of grace. The Vishnu samhita talkes about imagery and how important it is to have an image to help your mind concentrate on it.

Lawrence babb’s study is very interesting as he studies the fact that he says that the Devi is soo beautiful the demons don’t want to fight her but she on the other hand tells them that she will marry only the one that fights her in battle. She is the virgin, destructive and she is always victorious. He says that acts of destructions is ok as long as they bring order afterwards.

One must also understand that mother goddess are there for nurturing their devotes rather than child bearing. Non of the goddess such as Lakshmi or Saraswathy ever bore children. Parvathi had Skanda and Ganesh but never bore them in her womb.

DEVI DOWN THE AGES

A large number or crudely fashioned female clay figures were found from the Indus civilization which was at its peak from 2600-1900 B.C. The dominance of such terra-cotta figures among the material remains from these cultures and the absence of male deities suggests the importance of the feminine goddess during that time. Although when the Aryans dominated north India, they introduced the Vedas which is a very male dominated scripture and that is how society changed to becomes overwhelmingly masculine. Post Veda literature such as the Upanishads still continues to support and propagate the made oriented tradition, although the worship of mother goddess was still present it lay low.
It is only the start of the current era that witnessed the rise of the worship of the mother goddesses. They were seen as dayini (wish granters).terra-cotta plaques of different kinds began to be made. Lakshmi the goddess of wealth was first goddess to be portrayed she is also called as Shri. She is describes as being as radiant as gold and she sits on a lotus adorned with jewellery and flowers.

During the Gupta dynasty, 320 A.D mother goddess were engraved on coins, on one coin Shri Lakshmi sits on a lion holding a cornucopia in one hand. It is during this dynasty that the worship of mother goddess strengthened a lot. In the next few centuries mother goddess began to be carved in stone mostly of the goddess killing Mahisha the bore. Dating to the 5th and 6th century we have well preserved images of the goddess, wither with a toddles or with a new born at hand, but it is the Devi Mahatmiyam that conceptualized the goddess worship. There was no turning back for the mother goddess after this!

In philosophy there are two theories that explain the worship of mother goddess. The first is maya and the second is the Brahman. The whole world is brought about by maya a creative potency with in the Brahman. Shankara used the term shakthi to describe shiva’s consort in the Saundaryalahiri, in which she is superior to Shiva. In the Devi Mahatmiyam Shakthi, Maya and Prakriti all come together, she is seen to pervade and sustain creation.
The 12th century text the Devi- Bhagavata Purana which took the tree famous stories of devi and announced that Devi as Mahakali, Mahalakshmi and Mahasarasvathi.

One of the earliest temples surviving Devi temples is the Ambika-Mata temple at Jagat, Rajasthan that dates back to 960 A.D. there are varied images of the goddess with Mahisha in different posed all around the temple, though the main image is missing.
In the south, the Vijayanagara empire worshiped goddess Durga before embarking on the war-related activities, just like it was done in the Mahabharat when Krishna asked Arjuna to pray to goddess Durga before he goes to fight and in the Ramayana when Rama prays for victory to goddess Durga before he goes to battle with Ravana.

Through out history even when the worship of mother goddesses did not gain primacy her many forms as a wish bestower, especially as
Lakshmi the goddess of wealth and Saraswathi the goddess of learning are always worshiped. Also the worship of Draupadi and Radha are worshiped in selected parts of India. Temples for Draupadi are found only in south India where as Radha worship is found only in the north. There are a number of village deities around India, in tribal areas there isn’t always a fixed iconography, like for example Vaseli who is worshiped in the coastal Orissa is simply represented by a rock coated with paint. While other deities like Kamakshi and Meenakshi are worshiped in a more orthodox way.

We also have temples like at Guwahati, where they worship Devi Kamakhya where she is celebrated in a sheet of rock with a cleft filled with water. Here worship is very different, she is offered animal sacrifice like for example anything ranging from a goat to a buffalo. The animal is brought to the temple is beheaded and the head alone is taken to the alter as an offering, the meat is then distributed among the devotees. A few times a year the water turns red indicating that the menstruation of the goddess very similar to the Chengannur Bhagavathi temple in Kerala., here again a few times a year, the goddess’s white petticoat gets stained after which the temple is closed for 3 days. The petticoat on the other hand is bought by the wealthy. Menstruation here is hailed as auspicious and a reiteration of the fertility and sexuality of the goddess.
New forms of Devi keep coming up some generalized like mother India and some localized like Vaishno Devi in the Himalayas or Vindhyavasini from the Vindhyachal.also deities like Santoshi Maa, unknown 25years ago! Santoshi ma became popular due to the popular medium such as cinema.

DEVI AND TODAYS’S WOMAN

Although the great goddess have been studies and worshiped in great depth it some how does not affect the status of women in today’s society. Today’s generation might reinterpret Devi as she is and try to provide them with a degree of freedom and power. It would indeed be gratifying to see women in India draw from the tradition of the mother goddess to redefine their status in today’s world.

References:

At the Feet of the Goddess: The Divine Feminine in Local Hindu Religion, Lynn Foulston.

Encountering Devi, Vidya Dehejia.

Devī: Goddesses of India, John Stratton Hawley and Donna Marie Wulff.

Encountering the Goddess: A Translation of the Devī-māhātmya and a Study of Its Interpretation, Thomas B. Coburn.

Elina

2009-01-13T23:57:00.000-08:00

My aunt nor i had met her before. but she opened the door and gave us the biggest smile and said...hhhiiiiiiiiiii auunttyyy!!( to my aunt of course!!). as we went in, she only gave us only 100% of her attention. she was soo cheerful and happy and running about here and there. I wouldn't have imagined that she had lost her father only about 6 months ago. her name ELINA...

elina(to me): can you please help me with this bouquet of flowers I'm trying to make for my mother?
me: yeah sure, why not!
elina: thank you soo much akka, so what do you do? are you in collage?
me: yeah I study in Dakshinachitra(I started helping her draw on her sheet)
elina: O really, i have been there. Akka you know some thing you draw soo well( with a big smile)
me: really , you think so??(proudly continue to draw badly) anyway what are your hobbies elina? do go for singing classes?
elina: yeah but i like dance better, you know all i want to do is go around the world and give performances ...just like my dad.
me: yeah im sure you will..you like dancing better than singing!??
elina: I don't think i could sing as well as my dad ...
me: you have to try!! you cant say that after learning for just a year!!...anyway dancing is good too..i learn dance too!!
elina: really akka!!thats wonderful!!
me: so why are you making this bouquet?? school project?
elina: nooo...in fact i have my exams going on, i have English tomorrow...this is for my mother!...
me: O, for your mother!!
elina: yeah...these days she hardly even smiles...after my dad died she feels very.....alone...!
me: (shocked that such a young girl is able to talk about stuff like this, i continue to draw and nod my head)
elina: yeah she keeps crying , i feel very bad...when i tell her not to cry she doesn't listen to me..so after i come home every day i make some thing for her so she doesn't feel bad.
me: that's really very nice ....(still a little shocked)
elina: yeah yesterday i made her a drawing of a cake, then few days ago i made bird with color paper, today i thought ill give her flowers, see i have these are extra straws ....can you help me cut it??
me: sure!! give it to me...
eline: thank you so much akka...i don't know how i would have done it if you weren't there...
me: so what do you do when you come back from school?
elina: i come back at 2 o clock...and eat some thing that my mother has prepared then i sit think about what i can make for her that day or what to do when she comes back so that i can make her happy!...do that till she comes n show it to her...then do my home work ...n that's all i go to sleep...
me: o don't you have friends in your flat with whom you can play with?
elina: no...theres no body...
me: O so your all alone at home until your mother is back?
elina: yeahhh...(with this very casual expression)...O i also practice my dance and singing...because i want to become really good when i grow up. i want to be just like my father when i grow up. i want to go to america, and london and all...have you been there??
me: america..yes!!...
elina: realllyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!your soo lucky akka...(i just give her a smile)
me: here this is almost done!...what color shall i put on top?
elina: red..that's my mothers favorite colour.!!shes going to be soo happy...(she gets all excited )
you know Christmas is coming and she wants to go away to this camp because she doesn't what stay here alone..
me: un huh...do you want to go too??
elina:i will go where ever my mother goes...i never leave her..

then she said some thing..that moved me a lot!!

elina: you knowww....since my father died ..shes been so unhappy..i jussssttt don't know what to do ( in this mallu accent)....all i want to do is make her happy!..with these flowers shell be happy for just a little time..then she becomes sad again!!...( she puts her hand on her chin and is deep thought, as if trying to solve a math problem)..what do you think i should do..??
me: well, maybe she'll be okay in some time...
elina: but akka its already been sooo long!!...
me: ok well then keep trying!!..am sure things will change...
elina: (not convinced) okay okay ill think of some thing...o the flowers are done!!...o akka ...they look so pretty!!...come come...lets go give them to my mother!!

she runs to the living room with the flowers hidden behind her back, and asks her mother to close her eyes. her mother does as shes told, then she sits in front of her with her biggest smile with the flowers in front and says ..."okaay opeeennn"...

her mother looks at them and smiles...mean while elina is all over her tell her and showing her what i drew and what i cut and all..her mother smiles and says yeahh its really pretty...looks at my and gives me a smile.Elina mean while has the biggest smile and this sparkle in her eyes when she sees her mother smiling.

i still dont understand how an 8 year old can be so mature, be so strong. mind you that 30 mins i spent with her, not once did she sound sad or depressed. she was so in control of herself, her goals set, her aims clear and she was prepared to do anything to make her mother happy. THAT is a quality many people lack, some times even me.

The eternal sunshine of the unchaging mind

2008-11-28T02:36:00.000-08:00

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-Alexander Pope

Everything in life is going to be gone one day, what do we do about it!?....Like she says in the movie
"ENJ0Y IT"......That's the thing about us, all we want to do is to keep everything that shines.Its like we when the sun rises in the morning we never never think its going to set.We always just think its here to stay!

Nothing in life stays...And its not like we haven't learn that lesson. When we do, its like its engraved in stone in our blood. But when the sunrises again we think, that unlike like yesterday, it'll never set! Yeah it set yesterday, but no ..It wont happen this time, it wont happen today!..

How can we be like this!!????? how can we think that the same thing wont happen again! are we all that foolish!?? why is it that we don't get the big picture. Why is it that we cant understand that its just a whole big long movie....

Its like each time we die..Erase! then we come back and fall into the same trap.The same trap of life.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

What happens after you say...Enough is enough!!

2008-11-22T01:56:00.000-08:00

When I run into problems with some one very close to me...( when I say problems I mean real problems)..I can only handle it in one way, cut them off right from the roots!!...Just give them the furniture treatment!! When I think about it today, I have made that move on one too many people...Only because...They have caused me a lot of hardship or hurt and lets face it..Its not worth keeping up such relationships...But today as I was randomly surfing the net I ran into a very very old friend's profile...She was probably the first friend I had after I came to Madras...Yeah she made life tough for me but well, we grew up together...And today if there's anyone I can link my past to, as in my school days..Its only her..!! For whatever misunderstands we had between us, I cut her off and mind you it was a 10yr old relationship!!!

When I end up meeting these so called ex best friends of mine...I don't know why but I just freeze up!...And its like allll those emotions come back in just a few seconds and get stuck in my throat!!I just can not for the life of me understand why??!!...Like for example when I came across this girl's profile, I don't know why... But I actually for like 5 mins sat back and thought about all the crazy times we have had, you know how it is when your in school and your growing up!! The Hindi classes, the wood cutter games , I remember I even slapped her(real hard) when I was in my 3ed std and in return my Hindi teacher got hold of me and slapped me!!haha we both ended up crying for the rest of the day and of course we made up in the process and went back home as if nothing had happened!! Actually that's a lie her cheek was swollen and all red!!lol...OK its funny now but I was wondering...Yeah we cut off people like that, just because you cant take them anymore but at what cost!!?? people change too...I mean we all do!!don't we??should we give them another chance!?

When such emotions come back to me...I feel a bit real!! Lately I've become numb to relationships...As much as I care...I couldn't care less!! The only joy I experience is when I relate to some one else's joy or my course or dance!! Your past makes you feel ( for like a split second) like the person you were then! I can just close my eyes and take myself back to that precise moment when a bunch of my friends and I used to sit under the dum-dum tree eating lunch and they all use to take about Pepsi Uma's program, while I used to sit there lost lol. These are all dead memories in my head....Which come to life, once in a blue moon but when they do, I always think of that friend of mine....

Cutting off people who are not good for you is the right thing to do...But in the long run I'm the loser!!...Because in the process I lose all those memories. There's a difference when you relive some thing with a friend or a relative and when you think about it alone...When you do it alone, its as good as a fragment of yesterdays dream!
But I have after I have grown up (I think I have at least ;-)) found out that cutting off makes it easier to break relationships but the wound almost never heals...With time one tends to forget or replace but along with that, all these memories gain a tinge of sorrow and that is some thing that can never be changed...I really don't know how else to deal with people so I'm sure I will continue to cut off people when, I cant take it any more....But I guess that's where I'm immature and will probably go on to become a pathetic psychologist!...

But renewing ties (In these cases atleast) is some thing I think I will never do ....Every thing comes with a price! If my price is to lose a part of my past...So be it!

Understanding Goddess Kali

2008-11-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

The following is an objective report on goddess Kali, studying her has made me realize what life and the world today is all about...

KALI’S FORM:

She is described as the mistress of death. She is portrayed as being dark, wearing dark cloths, with her tongue poised as if to lick. She has fearful teeth, sunken eyes and is smiling. She wears a necklace of snakes has a large belly, rides on a large ghost and wears children’s corpse as earrings. It is not just her form that makes her terrifying but it also the fact that her anger can destroy the world. She is supposed to live in the cemetery.

Kali, coveys the image of death, destruction, fear and terror,: all aspects of reality.Kali was and is still associated as a tribal goddess in some places. She was initially worshiped by thieves and tribal groups living on the periphery of Indian society. Kali at some point ceases to be an indigenous tribal goddess and gets associated as a part of the pantheon, and hence over the years becomes a “Mother Goddess”.

“Kali’s origins can not adequately explain her subsequent history. She eventually transcends her origins”-David Kinsley.

KALI’S PRE-HISTORY:

The word “Kali” is used to describe one of the seven tongues of Agni in the Mundaka Upanishad. Agni’s tongues are to be taken as representatives of actual beings. No further mention is made of ‘Kali’ in the Upanishad. There is another mention of a goddess called ‘Nirrti’ very similar to Kali’s description. She is not referred to once the term ‘Kali’ is mentioned. However, Nirrti was not a famous goddess. Kali is supposed to have first emerged from Durga, during the battle with Rakthabija. As Durga is unable to fight Rakthabija, she creates Kali who comes in her vicious form and drinks the blood of Rakthabija and kills him in the process. In the Agni and Garuda Purana, she is summoned in the mantras for success in wars. Her description in the mantras as spine chilling. The Bhagavata purana mentions Kali as the patron goddess of a band of thieves.

Kali is worshiped in great extent in Tamil Nadu and is mentioned in the Silappadigaram and the Manimekalai. The practice of the offering of navakondar, the nine parts of the body was practiced in south India. Bengal is another state in India where Kali worship was and still is very popular. The Ananda Mangal Kavya clearly describes Kali and is dated roughly to the 8^th century. Tantrasana of Krishnananda Agamavagisa and Syamarahasya of Purnanand also talk about Kali extensively.

Apart from Bengal and Tamil Nadu, Kali worship was prevalent in Orissa, Assam and Rajasthan. In Rajasthan, Kali is not associated to Durga.It is very interesting to know that that during the medieval period just when the worship of Kali in Bengal began, it disappeared in Rajasthan. David Kinsley stresses that the goddess was considered as inauspicious goddess until the Devi Mahatmiyam. Even after that it took some time before people accepted Kali as a mother goddess. Her acceptance was gradual and occurred reluctantly.

Tracing Kali’s growth in popularity, she became well known and popular in the Hindu tradition only after she was associated with Shiva. In the Vamana Purana during Shiva and Parvathi’s wedding, Kali is mentioned, but not in her ferocious form. In the Vamana Purana Kali and Parvathi’s names are used interchangeably. In the Devi Mahatmiyam it is suggested that Kali was born out of Kausiki (Parvathi) to kill Canda and Munda. The Vamana Purana, describes Kali as being born out of Durga to kill Rakthabija.

In the Shiva Purana, Kali is described as being created from the locks of Shiva’s hair. According to the Linga purana, all the gods came pleading to Shiva kill Daruka, the demon. Shiva asks Parvathy who in turn creates Kali. After the battle Shiva manifests himself as a crying child in the battle field and Kali seeing the child nurses him. When the child does not stop crying she dances, watching this, Shiva gets pleased. In another different tale the manifestation of Kali is seen when Shiva would not allow Sati to go to her Fathers’ house.

ATTAINING KALI:

GODDESS OF TANTRA:

In the Tantric texts, Kali is seen and worshiped as the supreme goddess. In the Tantra’s, she maintains her fierce aspect but is confronted by the hero(the worshipper), who thus identifies with her, controls her and wins her boons. In the Karpura stotra, she is associated to the five elements and is seen as the supreme mistress of the universe.

MAA KALI:

Some authors have noted that Ramprasad never gets put off by Kali’s image and habits, but only craves more for her. The same goes for Ramakrishna Paramahansa, as both the saints looked at Kali as the divine mother, and despite her weird behavior and strange image, they revel in her a loving maternal presence. They saw her image as a mask and approached her as a child, and they succeeded in making her take off her mask. Kali’s appearance changes and softens, as she becomes the central deity in Tantrism and Bengal devotionalism.

KALI AS MAYA:

One of the authors who have done extensive work on Kali is, David Kinsley and he extorts his readers to look beyond Kali, beyond the chaotic dancing and her out of control behavior, and seek what lies beneath the external appearance. There is permanence and when one looks at the world today it is the same. There fore she manifests herself as the eternal being and hence her believers see her as the world is today.

What an A/C bus can't give you...

2008-09-10T23:35:00.000-07:00

Some times our lives can be so jam packed that we hardly have time to feel good about it.Yes, feel good about life being jam packed..We are all so involved in our own words that we don't realise that life is actually so much fun.It might not be fun for every body but right now I certainly am having a ball.This course for one is eating me alive, but it some how feels so good to be so filled up, actually just a few days ago ...My crazy life started getting to me, my dance was suffering and I wasn't able to keep up with everything.

I worked till 4 a few nights back, finishing some corelDRAW work I had to submit the next day.I woke up the next morning and switched on my computer and it wouldn't boot.I tried a million times and then decided to chuck it, but I was damn pissed.I had, had a horrible fight with a friend(which was bugging me, I donno why because we fight all the time anyway).I was suppose to take money from Amma but I forgot,because I woke up late.So I had to walk it to the bus stand and I had 5.rs with me.That's it.I had lost my wallet the earlier day and all my cards, I was'nt too happy about that either.I had enough money to go but not on the deluxe bus, I had just enough money to by the sada bus.So I waited and......waited!!!And mind you I was already 30mins late for class.It was just a horrible beginning to the day and I was really ready to yell at some one.Which I don't endup doing but I just feel like that.Which is weird because when I'm in a bad mood and some one pisses me off, I'm so consciously under control I never yell or fight.Anyway so I'm in one of my moods and waiting at the bus stop.Its just been my luck that I travel by the same route that has the A/C buses and I have not yet gone on one of them.And I travel on the same route every day!!!And that day, this A/C bus come and stands right in front of me, literally in front of my face, and the door opens and I look at my wallet again and at the 5.rs coin and I just stay like that, I don't even bother looking up until the bus has left and the dust from its tires is falling into my eyes.Then my sada, slow, rundown bus comes, jam packed...now I don't have a choice do I, late for class no money for the A/C bus or deluxe bus, I get in,and make my way through, hugging my cellphone and wallet so that no one steals it in the mad rush.It was horrible till Mandavali and at Mandavali, half the bus gets down.Feeling slightly better I go sit at the edge of a broken seat and as usual, am deep in my thoughts (thinking about myself!!pffftt)looking at the floor of the bus, when some one taps my shoulder.I turn to find the conductor standing, giving me the biggest smile!Which I don't know how but made me feel sooo much more better instantly.He seamed to be in his late 50's wearing a sky blue shirt and dark blue pants.He pulls out his ticket machine, gives me another smile and says "yenga ma pohanum?" in this very polite caring tone.I smile at him feeling like I have just got into the bus for a joy ride and nothing else.I reach to get my purse, and took out the only thing that was in it and said "thiruvanmayur".He could very well see that I had only that in my purse, gave am another very warm smile and handed my a 4.rs ticket and change.
That's it.He walked away, and I went back to looking at the floor.But I couldn't have been happier.I sat up, and couldn't stop smiling at myself.Suddenly,every thing was okay, suddenly the day became beautiful.I enjoyed the bus ride, enjoyed my class, enjoyed my lunch with no salt.Suddenly it was all fun!!I still don't understand what happened but its funny how the mind changes course..But you know what made the difference, the little care from a stranger.Am sure all of you must have experienced it, its some thing so warm and genuine and pleasant. Little do they know that's its going to change some one's life drastically.

MIRROR BLOG

2008-08-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

As the auto made a loud noise and started picking up speed on an empty St Mary's street,I stood alone out side Rain Tree(the hotel).It was around 11.30pm and I was waiting for my mom to come and pick me up.Just as I turned to look at the auto I saw Beda peep out to wave goodbye again.I looked at him smiled and waved back.Beda and I have been...Good friends since 2005.We met online on the yahoo Backstreet Boys chat room lol yes!!We started talking around 12am and talked till 9am the next morning and again the day after and it went on...For the first few months we talked for atleast 4 hr straight!!...I have never met someone soo funny and soo rude ever in my life.It was the 2ed time we had met.It had been a kind of nice but weird dinner.We sat on the roof top restaurant looking over madras, ordered good food and talked about a lot of things.He told me a very touching story about his experience with an auto driver in Hydrabad(where he lives).

It was getting late and we paid the bill and went down, we walked around the hotel while we were waiting for my mom and then I told him to leave as it was getting late and literally pushed him into an auto.As I waved good bye I wondered...Would a guy actually leave a girl in the middle of the night and just go away??(even if I had insisted).Beda and I have been through soo many endless fights, night long chats, drawing sessions on yahoo chat.He would (after I have begged him a lot) call and play the guitar and sing for me.But would he just leave me alone and go off in the middle of the night!?..Yes he did and that's when I sat outside Rain Tree and though about how Beda and I had come so far.In today's day and age, being friends is not an easy thing.With Beda and me, well we really had to make things work.Ultimately till today when I have a real problem and I want to talk to some one about it, I always end up going online at like some insane hr in the morning and he'll be there.And man would I be happy to see that bright yellow face saying "online Beda" on yahoo.

As I sat outside that night in the dark I asked myself, did I make the wrong choice of a friend.Was he so self centered?...Did I really want someone like that?We are always searching for friends and people who will be there for us, was Beda worth all the hurt and rude comments???...

OF COURSE!!!What am I saying!!...So he left me and went home!?? So what??Tomorrow when I call him with tears in my eyes about some thing, hes the one who makes me smile.Yeah we have our difficult times but what the hell...We have what I call "a long distant best-friend relationship" its not going to be easy.But some how even after the worst fights we just need to see each other online to start talking.Its only that day that I realised how thankful I was to have Beda .How importand it is to have a friend who you can count on for anything.Emotionally he is and I guess always be my pillar.I don't think he knows all this but well..Beda now you do!!...

As my car's high beam light flashed straight into my eyes, I thought, some times one doesn't know how lucky he/she is to have certain things in life, but a very very small percentage do know.!!!I'm glad in Beda's case, I'm in that small percentage.
Don't know what I'll do with out you dude!!:-)

Beda's mirror of the story(much better than mine!!)

read the post at @ http://confessionsofamis-fit.blogspot.com/2008/08/golb-rorrim.html

FOUND MYSELF!!

2008-08-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

Tamil Nadu is not called the land of temples for nothing.The state has more that 30,000 temples,not a surprise I know.After I finished my psychology a few months ago I was soooo totally lost about what I wanted to do in life,I seriously had no clue at all.Finally some time during April my mom saw this ad in the paper about an arts management course at Dakshinachitra, and I still remember her calling me up during college(some thing she never does)and said ..."shreya,I have found the IDEAL course for you"...and trust me it was!!I applied and got a scholarship and then decided to go ahead with it.In this first semester we study about temple architecture,art and design,2d art,3d art,western art,cultural studies.We have some amaziiing faculty.Each class has some thing soo new and soo different to offer.Its so wonderful to actually study about India and its culture and tradition and art and architecture right from 400 B.C.And some times it is sooo mind blowing that I really wonder....O my god..!!why is it that like only 1% of Indians know all this....Its really blows me away... but I am so happy that I have taken it up.Its like some body is paying me to actually FIND MYSELF... and ill tell you why...!!

Some people tell me...psychology and what I'm doing now has no connection and that "I'm still lost"....NO!!....Finding yourself is when you end up doing some thing that you don't want to stop doing..!!!One subject that I'm obsessed with right now is temple architecture and its all because of one person Dr.CHITRA MADHAVAN.She is just simply.....out of this world.We have been studying week after week about soo many temples in detail.Its history,its architecture,who bulit it, why, inscriptions, legends, sculptures, paintings....my god its just amazing.In other words I'm just trying to find meaning and a history and tradition in my life.Ive been going to temples for years.....but little did I know the meaning behind things,the history,the scuptures.When you find out where you come from,it makes a biiggg difference.It has some how I donnno how...created such a strong sense of self concept with in me.Its like I'm a different person.I would have never imagined me blogging about this but here I am.At last.....FINDING MYSELF!!!!....

O i should also mention that Dr.Muthukumar swamy is a genius!!He teaches us cultural studies....which is (to put it in my own words)nothing but the study of "the psychology behind cultures"...Belive me!! I wake up Tuesdays and Thursdays with a big smile on my face because its time for CULTURAL STUDIES.

Anyway ...Im getting carried away here.I am going to talk to you about 1 just 1 of the many many temples we have been studying about.I'm writing about this temple because I visited it just this Sunday with some of my classmates..!Its 1.5kms from Kachipuram and its a 7th century Pallava temple.The Pallava kings were the great Mahendra Verman I followed by Narasimha Verman I also called as Mamalla, as he built all the temples at Mamallapuram (known today as Mahabhalipuram).His great grand son Narasimha Verman II is the one who built the Shore temple at Mamallapuram, and after that, this great master piece called the Kailashnatha temple at Kanchipuram, which was the capital city of the Pallava's.This temple....I do not have words to describe.I have only taken like some 300 pictures of it and I'm still not satisfied.Every inch of the temple has some sculpture or some inscription.Hope you guessed by now that its a Shiva temple.Narasimha Verman II also called Rajasimha built the vimana and the temple itself.For those of you who don't know the vimana is the structure above the garbha graha(the sanctum sanctorum).Inside the garbha graha there is a large sculpture of Somaskanda(shiva and Uma both seated with skanda in between) and in front of it there is a large linga.Rajasimha also built 58 sub shrines...all of which have Shiva in different forms like as Somaskanda(mostly), Dakshinamurthy, Nataraja, Gangadhara, Lingod Bhava murthy, Tripura Antaka and Durga and many many more sulptures...It is said that Rajasimha's wife Rangapathaka was a beautiful dancer and having her in mind,were the many karna's in this temple carved.A lot of scholars believe that Rajasimha made so many sculptures of Somaskanda to high light that fact that, what skanda was to shiva, Rajasimha was to his father Parameshwaran I. Rajasimha also inscribed in this temple 250 titles that he had got.But sadly while building the temple Rajasimha died.Hence his son Mahendra Verman III (who also lived a short life) completed this temple and built the very first gopura(a small one)in south India.And that is how the tradition of gopura's started.

Even today this temple is soo beautiful to look at.The architecture is so .....amazing!!I can't even image how it would have been in the 7th century.But we do know that when the Chalukya king Vikram Aditya II came and conquered Kanchipuram he came to this temple he was sooo astounded by its beauty, he gave what ever he had looted to the temple,and he not only did that..He also took back with him to Karnataka the architect of the temple and built one exactly the same way!!...We know all this through inscriptions...He has also inscribed in the walls of the temple that 'he who tampers with this temple will go only to hell'.There is another inscription in this temple that says "The top of the temple touches the clouds (and hence) robs the beauty of Kailashnath".And so 1500 yrs later...This temple made of sand stone still stands strong and very much in worship in Kanchipuram.I feel extremely blessed to have gone and got the darshanam of Kailashanatha....

All the world is not green

2008-07-14T12:07:00.000-07:00

I recently went for this french movie called the diving bell and the butterfly.Its won like some 37 awards and its a must watch!Its a beautifully shot and it some how... gets to you.Its a true story about this guy(Jean-Dominique Bauby)who was the former editor of Elle.The movie is about how he suffers a massive stroke at the age of 43...and gets paralyzed head to toe...The only thing he is left with is his imagination and his one eye and how he is trapped in his body which is the diving bell and communicates (with his one eye lid,which blinks like a butterfly)by blinking when his assistant utters the correct alphabet,hence forming words and sentences and hence finally a book called THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY...the movie based on the book is extraordinarily directed by Julian Schnabel.

It talks about...how people react to him,how he deals with it...and even if life is tough,love doesn't change and since we see most of the movie from his point of view we come out feeling...the same way.Whether love changes or not i don't know...but the movie surely had an impact on me....its been running at the back of my mind since last Wednesday.When I'm in the auto,when i see a beggar on the street,when I'm taking my dog for a walk and see another stray dog sitting all alone by itself,i wonder ...who really cares?if you or I were in such a position where we cant talk to people...or can only blink...or even if we are just alone..would we still be as important?..would we still be as strong?its not about who's there for you or who's not....its about how YOU deal with it!!..its all about realizing that you are....always,always alone....Its most importantly about how you deal with this truth during your hardest times.

For me this movie was more about realizing how to love some one and still not get affected by it...yes i stress again on the fact that numbness is good...it is!

After my grandmother,probably the closest person to me was my great grand mother..we called her Babushka(meaning grandmother in Russian)she was 97 when she died two years ago.The last few years of her life were very difficult.she couldn't walk at all..almost.she was confined to her popular black leather chair.she would sit and watch the world go by...she used to have skin that even at the age of 97 was soft..she had strong grey eyes..She was a very very strong woman right till the end,she possessed a powerful presence,wit and intelligence.She was some one who had a heart of gold..she was never afraid of making a decision...never wondered if "that was the way to go"she was very bold...she was the one that gave strength to the family.she was the iron pillar.when people needed her she was there..when my grand mom and her sister gave birth to their children she was beside them..when my aunt travelled the world giving bharathnatyam performances,she was there by her side at the age of 70,when my mom needed all the emotional support she could get...she was there!and numerous other times.she was the pillar...but at the end!?were we really there for her?...There were days she would ask me to to take 5mins and talk to her but as usual i would tell her ill come back and it would gradually slip my mind...and eventually when i did want to talk to her and pour my heart out she could hardly reply.The last year of her life she hardly talked...its not enough if we provide servants to keep her happy..that's not all one needs..that's not all what SHE needed..Some times even now after two years ...I still feel like shes there...there are these flashes when i suddenly think "O babushka kitta solitu pohanam"..and only after a few seconds do i realize shes no more...i miss her.after a point her speech became bad and so we had this board where she would point out letters and we would form words and sentences and that's how she communicated and that's why during this movie I kept remembering her.Like the words in the song"I can pretend that i owe her nothing and the world Will still be green"....but.....i wont pretend!!and the world will never.... always be green.

The next most amazing thing in the movie are the soundtracks...they have chosen the best soundtracks ..and have placed it perfectly during the course of the movie...I think its the sound tracks that lift the movie to great heights....there is a song called 'Don't kiss me goodbye'..which is wonderful but my favorite is Tom Waits's-all the world is green,and as usual I'm going to give you the lyrics...the song is simply amazinggggg!...for all of you who haven't watched the movie...please do!

ALL THE WORLD IS GREEN

I fell into the ocean
When you became my wife
I risked it all against the sea
To have a better life
Marie you are the wild blue sky
Men do foolish things
You turn kings into beggars
And beggars into kings
Pretend that you owe me nothing
And all the world is green

We can bring back the old days again
When all the world is green
The face forgives the mirror
The worm forgives the plow
The questions begs the answer
Can you forgive me somehow?
Maybe when our story's over
We'll go where it's always spring
The band is playing our song again
And all the world is green

Pretend that you owe me nothing
And all the world is green
Can we bring back the old days again?
And all the world is green
The moon is yellow silver
On the things that summer brings
It's a love you'd kill for
And all the world is green

He's balancing a diamond
On a blade of grass
The dew will settle on our graves
When all the world is green
Pretend that you owe me nothing
And all the world is green
We can bring back the old days again
When all the world is green
He's balancing a diamond
On a blade of grass
The dew will settle on our graves
When all the world is green

The "SCRUBS" effect.....

2008-06-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

Well....it all started with this stupid problem with my right leg...i seemed to have developed a corn..which only got worse day by day...i knew the most common thing people do about is it surgically remove it...but that was the last thing i wanted to do...!!for the simple reason that it takes forever to heal and i dint want to not dance for such a long time...so i tried pranic healing...homeopathy...corn caps...and all kinds of stuff ...but nothing worked...and it came up such a point that i started having severe pain when i walked..so hence i had to do it...had to do what i hated the most!!...remove it..surgically!!so i went ....to a certain hospital where my mom is popular,hence hoping i would get some good treatment!!

So I'm sitting out side the A6 block(operation ward) which is on the 6th floor,which is so funny because when ever there is the mention of the A6 block there is this immediate pity look one receives lol... anyway so I'm sitting there with my black capri pants and a brown shirt watching mauna ragam on Ktv....waiting for the nurse to call me in for surgery...finally they do!!...so i go in...

they say... OK....your the patient is it???shreya singh???...only like some 3 times by 3 different people..mean while I'm standing there,watching a number of people in stretchers...being taken in and out of various door...and the very serious surgery fear begins to set in slowly...that's when the woman comes and says....okay madam you have to change....!!

Just to let you know the "fear" only lasted those 3 secs...lol....i go into this squarish room...all it has is a few wires hanging here and there and clothes hanging from it..in all directing I'm sorry let me correct my self....piles.....of clothes hanging from it.. and there are benches kept all around ...and its about 9 in the morning so all these nurses are sitting and drinking tea...she takes me to a corner where ..these 2 slightly fat nurses...actually no!!....these 2 VERY fat nurses sitting...and the lady says...OK madam change...into these garments...and please remove....EVERYTHING..!..so i say o..!!! everything!!??!!..shes like yes!! and she walks away...now i turn around to find like 30 women sitting and sipping tea and watching me change...yeah they could'nt care less..but still man!!...for the first time i actually felt..a little weird to change in front to people...generally i don't care..!!anyway...i couldn't do anything about it.i tried to do it as soon as possible...but of course..it seemed to take forever...i change into these really really loose....pyjamas and this weird over coat...which i had to keep hugging so it wouldn't open up in front..i walk out side feeling like a big light blue penguin....and my chiti comes and says...you look like those karate women and laughs....so I'm standing there waiting for more directions..and am surrounded by all these nurses and doctors and interns..all laughing around....cracking jokes..

This is where the scrubs effect comes in!!...im not kidding...it was just like the serial...i just thought it happens only TV but no!! this was how the whole ward was..!!they are all cracking jokes...and fooling around...and of course flirting..!!but the funny part was it wasn't the nurses who were flirting,it was the doctors flirting with the nurses....lol lol the only line from the show that kept ringing in my head was..when Dr.Cox tells the interns... EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU ARE GOING TO ....KILL...A PATIENT!!!lol There is this other scene in the scrubs ....where Dr.Cox tells these interns ...ALL OF YOU SLAP YOUR FACES...ITS BEEN A HORRIBLE DAY!!and all these interns will mindlessly lift their hands and slap their faces...that's exactly how i felt these guys were when i was standing in my penguin suit..!!.....anyway so then they put me on a stretcher and this male nurse takes me into the operation theatre....

I feel like this total dead body lying on a stretcher,have these black belts strapped on,cant move and am covered with this white sheet till my neck....all i can see is the sealing...which is all stripped....so they take through like a million room ..and all the times...they keep banging the stretcher on the door to open it...!!??i don get it...y cant they just open the door!?? which reminds me of that friends dialogue...when chandlers toe is hurt and they take him to the hospital...and Ross says..."why do your guys keep doing that,that's where hes hurt!?severed toe..you just said it"lol anyway so we finally reach the operation theatre...

the only thing this room has is metal walls...and these big lights....its kind of freaky...and they just left me there and went away....man did i feel jobless and bored!!

so then this dude wearing this pink penguin suit walks in and says again... shreya singh!?
ahh yes i say(trying to look happy about it)...this dude seems to know some decent English and was smiling weirdly...a bunch of nurses walked and as usual the flirting began...that's when i was thinking man..flirting in tamil is so different...after about 10 minutes...all the nurses left the room and the the dude was just standing next to me waiting for the doctor to come as things were ready for the surgery.....

A few minutes passed...now you must know i have this....NEED to talk...i cant just be in a room for like hours and not say a word to the other person...so my so called internal alarms were going off...so i turned to the guy and said...how long more for the doctor to come???he said a few minutes...and then i asked the brilliant question...so your an intern here???.....he turned around and gave me the most pathetic look possible and said NO!! I'm a doctor here!!.....i believe my answer was a very weak.....OOOO.....yeah then it was back to feeling awkward and alarms going off again....this time i decided to just shut up...and wait for the doctor,in the metal room!the nurses then came back and the flirting began again...

The surgeon then arrived in great style....with a bunch of cham cha's around him,all of them dressed in green penguin suits and masks....came and made small talk with me and asked whether he could start ...so with everything ready he said okay...I'm just going to give you a small injection(and he said it twice)...and that's it...my heart stopped..O MY GOD NOT THE SMALL INJECTION!!!

Now everyone knows they are going to give you an injection but there is still a difference..when the doctor or nurses specifies and says ..o this wont hurt at all,its just a SMALL INJECTIONS...that's the killer one....other wise its just an injection...or half the time they wont even mention it and they ll just stick the needle into you and it wont hurt all that much....but anyway this was the case of the "small injection"(and that to he said it twice!!!)....and he pierced it right in the centre of my corn....!!!

MY GOD!! THE PAIN WAS EXCRUCIATING!!!AND WORSE WHEN HE INJECTED THE ANESTHESIA.......anyway was i squealed and moved a bit and that's when he had to start making small talk....again ...and i really couldn't say....o stop it please!!!i had to answer all the question... like where i lived and how i was related to my mom.....but anyway after a few minutes.....i felt just nothing at all..he whipped out the surgical knife and began the surgery...
and its a very very weird feeling..when hes cutting..you know he is..you can feel it but it doesn't hurt...its very different..and i must say its very satisfying in a weird way...he kept talking from time to time..while i lay on my side and stared at the metal wall...while a bunch of people were standing around my leg and were looking at it ....the surgery lasted about 20 minutes....after that my leg was wrapped up well..and the doc warned me that it would hurt after the anesthesia wares off and hes gave me tabs for the pain and gave instructions not to walk and ext ext...then i was wheeled away to the recover ward...where i was surrounded by all kinds of people who were out from serious surgeries...all of them had a million tubes into them and stuff...everyone in the room had oxygen masks ...BUT me!!!:-(...i cant tell how left out i felt..!!i really did..!!it was stupid i know!!...but i wanted a mask too...anyway at last they hooked some tube up to my finger,after that i did'nt feel that bad...saw the monitor for a some time and then slept blissfully for about 40 minutes..after which they realised,i was a normal patient in the ICU lol...so they wheeled me out.

Was handed my clothes and asked to change...again!!in front of the nurses..it was lunch so again the room was buzzing with nurses ...this time there wasn't even place for me to stand ...anyway i changed and tried to look as comfortable as possible during the process!!i even smiled at a few of them!!then i tried limping and walking at the same time and i could and it didnt hurt...only because the anesthesia was still acting and i couldn't feel a thing!...a few tests were done...my HB was 14...i sure felt healthy.. i was discharged..and off they sent me...now any any normal nurse/doctor/intern/ward attendant..whoever!!!would...atleast..atleast..... take the care of putting a patient in a wheel chair...especially if they have just had a surgery in their leg...(yes even if it was a small one)..but all they did was say...okay bye-bye and pushed us out of A6!!... so much for "good treatment"...

And now a day later...with out anesthesia......the pain....is horribleeeeeeeee!!!!but its okay at the end of the day IT WAS FUN!!!...and man did i learn a lot of things about expectations...and flirting in tamil ;-)

A short film

2008-06-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

scene-1

The sun has just risen and sunil is standing looking towards the window ....in deep thought...

Sunil-telling the camera

Sammy (also goes by the name sowmya) was my best friend from college....we both were worlds apart....she was the life of the college and I was the "weird dude who never talked".....its been 4 years since college finished....and also 4 years since we saw each other...

And NOW,we both are nothing like what we were in college.......but today, strangely...she called out of the blue wanting to meet...her tone seemed slightly weird and restless...it seemed like she wanted to meet me and get it over with....and she would refuse to take NO for an answer. (turns around and faces the camera)Which is very unlike Sammy...from what I remember...In college she used to have an ego bigger than the planet!....but I kind of got the feeling shes calmed down a lot,from what I knew of her...

the bell rings...
Sunil tells the camera hurriedly (clearly a person)..To go hide some where...he tells the camera that he told Sammy that he'll be alone. Because she wanted to meet "alone"

scene-2

Sammy think to her self.... standing outside the door...

she hated this. As much as she liked Sunil...and even though it’s been such a long time since they had met up. She still didn’t want to do it now,today!...now was a horrible time in her life...she cudnt find herself...she was lost career wise... she was getting old...she wasn’t married....she was living alone.!!she hated her life...but today was the big day...the day she was going to attend an interview,for her dream job....to head the cities most popular radio station...she wanted to be prepared and on her tips...and her heart had sank when Sunil’s parents had called the earlier evening...she couldn’t say no to them....she had to do this!! ..for old times sake...she had to help Sunil’s parents find out what was going on....she couldn’t imagine... what had gotten into him...!?all the strange things she had been hearing about him....

her stream of thoughts broke just as Sunil opened the door....

he seemed a little hesitant...and they just made eye contact for a few seconds...

sam-hiiiii sunniill
sun-hello....(they hug briefly and uncomfortably)
sun-come in have a seat...(they walk into his hall)

(they sit on the sofa, Sammy switches her cell phone off and keeps it on the table)

Sam-my god its been such a long time..How have you been??
sun-(smiles)..I've been good...and yeah the last time we met I think....was when we were saying goodbye to our college watchman, who used to let us out of the gate during break...remember!!??
Sam-(laughs)o my god..Yes!!...all the things we've done man....its crazy...
sun- so how come you your here all of a sudden...??(Looks at the camera from the corner of his eye)(Pauses)I was actually a little shocked to get your call last night...
sam-yeahhh...(hessitates for a sec)..no its just been so long...I mean...I almost forgot your face(laughs lightly)...so just thought ill drop by...
sun-sorry to hear about your engagement....I meant to call you
sam-(smiles weakly)yes...it was unfortunate...but hey...everything happens for the best!!..Does'nt it!??
Sun-yes it does....
Sam-you know what’s weird though. It hardly feels like its been 4 yeas...I mean it’s like we are picking up where we left off....like...yesterday!!!
sun- yes it does....guess that really means we must have been the best of friends...
Sam-yes...so tell me how have you been!??
Sun-(looks at the camera to make sure Sam can’t see him/it)ive been good..I was working with taj group of hotels...was going great actually...but I.... quit a few months ago
Sam-can I ask why?
Sun-well...aaaaammmm...just ...personal reasons....
sam-ohh... (Slightly feeling uncomfortable)...so what are you planning to do next..!?
Sun-aahh i was just hoping to take some time off ...time for myself!!(Smiles)
Sam-are you ok Sunil? You seem a little uncomfortable....
sun-no no no!!! im fine..im fine..!!
Sam-listen...ive been ................hearing a few things about you!!... about your behavior, apparently ...you've been acting a little strange and stuff!??Whats happening...
Sun-no... nothing like that...
Sam-is there some thing you want to tell me...or share with me!?
Sun-well nothing in particular...
Sam-any girlfriends???(winks)
sun-believe me...I wish!! But no....
Sam-oh c’mon....you can tell me.....
Sun-(laughs) Sammy do you think ill hide anything from you...even after all these years...??!!

The clock strikes 10am...Sammy turns to look at it and her expressions changes, she becomes a little nervous..

Sam-my god is it 10 already....Sunil I hate to but I have to go....I have this very important meeting at 11 and its at the other end of town...
Sun-(stands up)alright....I understand....no problem
Sam-yes..(Pickes up her hand bag and begins walking out of the door)
Sun-we should catch up some time...

Sam & Sun are facing each other at the edge of the door..

Sam-yes, it really been too long... but it feels so good to meet you again
Sun-yes...it really does (both of them smile at each other)

They hug briefly,this time it’s a warm one...
Sam turns away and begins walking towards her car.....

Sunil shuts the door and walks straight towards the camera and says-she’s gone,
you know what!!! it actually wasn’t soo bad....she is real sweetheart...so easy to talk to,so open and straight forward....and today,she’s no different. Just the same Sammy I knew in college...except a little older... (Laughs)

Turns and is shocked to find Sammy....standing at the door...

Sun-how did you come in???(Looking between the camera and her in shock)
Sam- the door wasn’t closed properly,I forgot my cell phone...
Sam-but who were you talking to!?
Sun-(looks down for a few sec and then meets her eye) im sorry I lied to you ...I said I was alone....im not!! I want you to meet rahul...and points to the camera...

Sam-(is completely shocked) doesn’t move...(looks where Sunil is pointing)
Sun-hes a close friend, from taj

Sam-(still isn’t moving from where she is)

There’s a few secs pause

Sam-.....Sunil.......there’s no one there....

Sun-shocked looks at the sammy....and back to the camera.............

(The plot of the story is that rahul is infact a hallucination of the patient (Sunil), Sunil is a schizophrenic) and the audience sees the movie from the eyes of hallucination....

Schizophrenia-
A mental disorders characterized by disturbances of language and communication; thought disturbances that may involve distortion of reality, misperceptions, delusions and hallucinations; mood changes and withdrawn, regressive, or bizarre behavior, lasting longer than six months.

CASABLANCA!

2008-05-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

I just got back after watching Casablanca!..what a wonderfully shot movie.I would have never thought it was shot in 1941.Its a movie so much ahead of its times(direction wise).Michael Curtiz is truly a genius.The story is touching and has a very nice bittersweet ending to it.If it was made 10yrs ago,this is how it would have gone,Rick and Ilsa would have jumped into a 747 and flown off, there would definitely been no beautiful friendship between Louis and Rick and the only bittersweet ending would have been when Victor and Louis discovered they had feelings for each other!lol...

I don't know about you guys, but some how I feel there are no clean simple movies today,like Casablanca.A movie which has good actors,who don't over act.A movie where the story is simple but yet very touching........A movie where you feel at some point in time,your the character. There is this dialogue in the movie,"The problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world".Whata line man and its so well put.You know the fact,and you've talked about it to your dear ones,about how your a speck of dirt on the road when compared to the size of earth, but ..............but.................it still makes a lot more sense when you hear it in the movie.I don't know why?!!....

There's this other dialogue that i liked a lot and Bogart just deliveres it brilliantly,its...
Rick to Ilsa: Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Laszlo, or were there others in between? Or - aren't you the kind that tells?
Nobody has ever done this to me,but I just like the dialogue.I know looots of people who are THAT KIND!!the kind that "don't tell"....whatever it might be.They just keep it to themselves.I just don't understand how people can be like that!?!just keep to themselves....hardly talk,hardly go out,have a monotonous life style...anyway who knows maybe they are the souls who are actually elevated:-)

Coming back to the movie...I just love they way they have portrayed Rick,like in the line where he tells sam,"play it sam!!,if she can hear it,i can!!it really shows how deeply in love he was with Ilsa,along side with his hard looks and sharp remarks,one does realise that he does have a soft heart.There are not too many characters like this in the history of cinema.At the same time one should watch this movie jussttt for Ingrid Bergman. Just for that short glance she gives with her head slightly tilted,for the mild glimmer in her eyes when shes talking to rick,for the way she says "Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake".
she carries herself so beautifully in the movie and I'm not kidding but she just looks gorgeous,she looks like the moon on Paurnami in the movie.There is this glow you can find in her face,one would really think shes got a big bright bulb inside her head or some thing... but she is just remarkable.

But these truly are my favorite lines in the movie,and the song.....my god...is jussttt beeaauutiifuulll!!!

Ilsa: Play it once, Sam. For old times' sake.
Sam: [lying] I don't know what you mean, Miss Ilsa.
Ilsa: Play it, Sam. Play "As Time Goes By."
Sam: [lying] Oh, I can't remember it, Miss Ilsa. I'm a little rusty on it.
Ilsa: I'll hum it for you. Da-dy-da-dy-da-dum, da-dy-da-dee-da-dum...
[Sam begins playing]
Ilsa: Sing it, Sam.

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

LEARNING TO LET GO...

2008-05-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

This is perhaps the most difficult thing to do.which i think i have finally learnt.... how to do(by default).I'm some body who hates to let go!!.of what?people,memories,feelings,experiences,places,dresses,pillows,barbies......yeah i think i should stop with that lol.letting go is so hard.something i just cant explain.but Ive definitely found one thing out,once some things gone,its gone for good.whatever it might be,even if it come back(happens rarely)its never the same thing.

A month before my 10th birthday,one of the most tragic events in my life took place.i lost the closest person i have had in my life so far.my grandmother.i can not tell u,even now the thought of her still pierces my heart.i can never forget the time i used to run back from school and hug her.the warmth and security i found in,lying on her chest,to hear her heart beat and count it for hours.i used to admire her batman style glasses.i used to admire the way she used to say "right-o"with this very south indian iyer accent before she used to put the phone down.i remember her coming to pick me up after my summer camp,while all the mothers and fathers used to come to pick up their children,my radha patti used to come,driving at the age of 64 in our 2767 chocolate brown,maruti high-dome van.she was and still is the most amazing person i have ever met.and to this day.....i have not let her go.every time i turn back and look for some one,i always wish she was there,standing with her arms wide open waiting for me,like when i was young.every time i try to let go of a bad experience or a person,i always have tears in my eyes wondering why she isn't there to help.i always look right into her picture and ask why she had to go leaving me all alone,only to receive the same smile she always used to have.which some how brings back all these memories.

But really what is letting go?to me its complete cutting off.I'm not some one who can be around people who have hurt me,or cant go back to a place where i have had a bad experience.call me immature but that's how it is.i know many people who can break up with boy friends and still be in touch and still be best friends some times,i cant.once its over its over.i cant even look at that person.not even in a picture.

But of course there is something called time.which changes everything.it takes a looot of time some times but it happens.that's when i know...I'm through!Ive crossed the dark deep tunnel and Ive reached the other side to find a whole new world filled with,fresh air and clear skies.although i know deep down that I'm going to have to pass many more deep dark long tunnels...and some times i can even see them coming.and what do i do!?walk right in!!i just hope one day ill learn the easy way out which is for me,taking the right path.

But after a point of time.one burns out.nothing matters anymore.recently i had grown to like a particular person a lot.but some how it wasn't the same as before.after a few months this person stopped calling me.did i feel bad? yes.but did it hurt? no.!theres a difference.Did i care?NO!

This is what letting go for me is.you let go of yourself.so much that things stop mattering to you.yes it is a wonderful state of mind.u don't get hurt by all these things,but u don't derive happiness from anything either.i used to define this state as "normal" to a person who was at one point in time very very close to me.Because he was always "normal".i used to hate him for that.i mean,the man would simple not react! but now i relate to him better.

i finally learnt that by letting go one becomes free.

Life teaches you many things.The most important thing its taught me is that,you always walk alone, once u change u can never change back,once your hurt you can never be "un-hurt"..............once u let go .....u can never stop.

A STILL BABY!?

2008-05-04T12:27:00.000-07:00

Why is it that some times one can not feel what one wants to feel.One can not even pretend to.Its happened so many times with me.

You want it to be there,the feeling,the emotion,the tear,the smile,the numbness,but its never there.
NOT even close.i wonder why!?

What are emotions??where do they come from?how can one control it?
By experience?by instinct?by karma? i wish i knew.

Some times i look for myself and i cant find ME.am i what i feel?do i need somebody else to make me feel ME? like when I'm in love or when i fly? does one need the environment to make one feel?
much like the matrix theory.

so what happens
without the environment with out emotions,with out words,without feelings,with out experiences? what do "I" become?

A STILL BABY?

FINDING ME

2008-05-04T11:42:00.001-07:00

Its so funny!...so many people blog and have asked me to blog too,but i have always thought of it as some thing completely useless.i mean why would some one write about themselves and put it up on the internet for everyone to read!?..how self centered can some people get!?and most importantly who's gonna read it!!??!!lol

but here i am today.blogging!.y?because i just realised one needs to blog to keep sane...I'm writing today for myself.because i need to.To keep me sane and insane at the same time... u don't get it? i don't either lol...that's y I'm blogging..to stop holding back.to see how life is
to say whats in my heart, and not worry if ill get hurt by it.to just write.to just let go.to just be happy.