A Practical Wedding

Wedding Graduate: Alyssa

2009-12-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

This wedding graduate post is from Alyssa, she of crying in the car, she of the hilarious emails to me out of the blue when things are *not going well in my comment box* that say things like, "And because I'm super mature, I say eff them." Which make MY day better.

Anyway. The point at hand. I have been lucky enough to post many many awesome wedding graduate posts on the blog, and well, Alyssa's is the funniest. So. I've never said this before, but this post is a little bit for David, he of the unprintable humor, he who bore the brunt of my meltdowns. That and for alllll of you. Rock it Alyssa:I’m gonna admit, I am NOT the Wedding Graduate that you need to emulate; I’m the one that you should LEARN from. I was bound and determined to have a stress-free wedding; so bound and determined that I worked myself up into a tizzy trying to NOT stress over the wedding. We all talk about getting away from the Wedding Industry and being more personal, but I took all that obsessive-ness that the Knot brides put into planning and focused on DIY wedding blogs.

You know the stereotypical bride who carries around 18 wedding magazines and a binder full of business cards and “idea pages”? I was the modern pseudo-indie version, with a Favorites folder FULL of blogs and idea websites, pictures from Flickr that had color combos I loved and my own inspiration board in PowerPoint because I couldn’t convince my future hubby that I absolutely positively NEEDED PhotoShop. (Lord knows I tried.) I think my biggest regret is that in trying SO hard to not be That Bride, I nearly ended up being That Bride. And That Bride is not pretty.

[I would like to interject here that I didn’t find A Practical Wedding until we were nearly married. I’m still sad about that. Might have saved me some heartache….]

So here’s my wedding wisdom - Find Your Wedding Zen. It’s that middle ground between caring enough to make something happen, but not giving a damn if it doesn’t. It’s like Shangri-La, hard to find but a beautiful place to be.Figure out what you care about. I mean, what you REALLY care about. Do that before you even start to really plan. Then go through that list and note what you could do without if you had to. Refer back to this list when you start getting tunnel vision on things that HAVE to get done.

Because trust me, once you start getting into planning mode and get caught up in it, you’ll start caring about things you never thought you would. I became enamored with paper; we made out Save the Dates, our programs, my bridal party’s gift was a set of handmade monogrammed cards and for the reception I made notecards with Words of Wisdom prompts for our guests to fill out and Tears of Joy packets AND I wrapped the pencils for the Words of Wisdom cards in coordinating paper. I mean, REALLY?? I didn’t even know what a Tears of Joy packet was until I started wedding planning. (It’s a little packet that holds tissue for your guests…did you know that? Nope? Me neither, until I turned into Crazy Indie Bride….)

Now, those tissue packets, were they cute and adorable and one of my favorite things from our wedding? Yes.

Were they necessary? Abso-friggin’-lutely not. Yes, they were helpful, especially considering how alternately teary eyed and allergy prone our families are. But instead of something that would be fun to have, I HAD to make them and suddenly they became VERY important to me which is never should have been.Also realize that the things you think will be the easiest thing will be one of the worst. It’s just going to happen. My thing was my shoes. I thought, “Oh, I can find cream colored flats anywhere, that won’t be a problem.” (Flats because there are two things that will ALWAYS put you in a bad mood; aching feet and uncomfortable underwear. I was already going to be strapped in a pair of Spanx so I’d be damned if I was going to wear heels too….) Sounds like an easy thing…and then I ended up spray painting a pair of zebra print flats two days before the wedding. Know how hard it is to spray paint shoes, especially when you’re crying AND furious at yourself for crying? Not my proudest moment.We had some REALLY stressful moments, especially considering that after we moved I had a HUGE project at work (900 kid dance recital, sounds cute, is a massive pain in the butt), switched jobs, moved AND turned 30. All during wedding planning. BOO. But luckily, somewhere in there, I found my Wedding Zen. Actually, I can tell you exactly when it was; it was at about noon on the day before my wedding, after I’d been up very late trying to finish up my DIY projects and had to cancel my body wrap that I’d scheduled in a last ditch effort to drop a few pounds (Brides, don’t eat your feelings during the wedding process….) I was alone in my apartment and suddenly it hit me…Holy hell. I was getting MARRIED! And all of the stress just fell away and I started getting excited. I popped open a bottle of champagne intended for the wedding at noon on a Friday and said, Screw it. I’m getting married and it’s going to be AWESOME.And ladies, let me tell you, Wedding Zen is WONDERFUL. Relatives are freaking out and being needy? Whatever, I was just glad they were there. Handkerchief that you meant to embroider to wrap your bouquet in to fulfill that Irish tradition that you’d never heard of but suddenly HAD to do? Do it on the long drive to the rehearsal dinner while one of your bridesmaids drives as you sing along to a tape (YES, a CASSETTE TAPE) of old road trips songs you used to in college. Find out the morning of the wedding that soon to be hubby can’t find the rings? Tell him it’s okay and that you’ll use your engagement ring and his A&M ring instead. (And politely ignore your man of honor hyperventilating in the background.)

And one of the funniest things? No one believed me that I was really that relaxed. I was excited and a little nervous yes, but not freaking out. One of the best parts came when we realized that it was about 15 minutes until my very short ceremony and the caterer still hadn’t arrived for our outdoor wedding. Everyone got quiet and looked at me and I said, “Huh. Someone should call them. Otherwise somebody needs to run to Sam’s Club and get some sandwiches.” Know why? CAUSE IT DIDN’T MATTER. If the caterer was late, people would eat late. If we had to get other food, then we’d get some other food and laugh about the ghetto food and then get our money back from the caterer later. Yes, it mattered a little bit, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it so why ruin the lovely makeup job that I had done? Wedding Zen. LOVE it.

I really wish that I could tell you all how to achieve this Wedding Zen, but I think it just comes when you’ve done all you can to make things go right and then the Wedding Angels look down on you and go, “Poor baby, you need to calm it down.” And then you do, because you realize that what Grammy kept telling you really is true.All you need is the man, the preacher and the dress.

Or the man, the justice of the peace and the stylish pants suit.

Or the woman, the officient and two dresses.

Or WHATEVER. But that really is all you need.

You may want the other stuff, and it may be awesome when you get that other stuff, or hilarious when that other stuff goes horribly awry, but when it comes down to it you only need to have what you really NEED. Which is him or her, and someone to make it official in your hearts.And the outfit. Because the outfit IS important because it is your day to be a pretty princess dammit, however you choose for that to mean.

Pictures: Rockstar Photography (of Texas)

Piercing Rays Of Light

2009-12-01T04:36:00.000-08:00

Well. I was going to post something else all together today, but then I came across this, and I threw out my plans. If you haven't seen Ceilia's wedding, you've got to go see it (on East Side Bride, natch, and on Life According to Celia). But today, Ceilia's friend Krista wrote about what it was like to be at that wedding, and it was Exactly. It. This is the hugeness I was talking about, this is the ambition squared, this is the secret no one puts words to:
What no one tells you when you're young, what no one seems to understand, is that the best thing you can ever do is find the person that makes you want to be the best you possible. The one person that does not complete you, but complements you. enhances you. makes you shine bright right next to them. I have watched Joe find himself through his heart because of Celia. I have watched them love each other for exactly who they are and where they are and I can say that I have been one of the lucky ones who stood in the middle of nowhere, right next to neverland, and witnessed the declaration of real love. It's gauzy, believe it or not. And it looks a whole lot like a sunset. Now go read it all.

Pictures by Cathryn Farnsworth

Wedding Graduate: Anna of Fruit of A Common Tree

2009-11-30T04:03:00.000-08:00

I'm thrilled to introduce loyal (and awesome) reader Anna with the tale of her wedding to her husband Andrew. Like so many of your stories, we could dwell on how savvy she was, and how she saved money and had a beautiful wedding - and that spirit of practical mixed with adventurous would be delight enough. But instead, I want to dwell on Anna's Wedding Graduate wisdom, because wise women sharing is the heart of what we're doing here, and Anna is both generous and wise with her knowledge. Well, that, and I'm always *thrilled* to get to share another interfaith wedding. So with that, I give you Anna:

A little about us: The context of our engagement was graduate school, so by the time the wedding rolled around, spending a lot of money seemed wasteful and outrageous. Finding employment after school made us appreciate what we had even more, so we purchased very basic necessities as we could afford them, one step at a time.
I followed no particular timeline or checklist for planning the wedding. In fact, we were going to get married in March of 2010, and changed it a few months earlier to November because we didn’t know what we would do with the extra time! I would say there were about 3.5 months in between when we picked the date and when the date arrived. Most of our planning (food, music, décor, flowers) happened in the final three weeks.

What made our wedding sane: We had a friend take photographs, a friend do our flowers, a friend officiate, and we relied on our community of loved ones to volunteer help whenever we needed it. I was a major delegator, which worked for me. Even though the idea of decentralizing that much control might freak many brides out, it really helped me to reach the wedding date without a single implosion. In the end, the event far exceeded my expectations; I couldn’t believe how beautifully the wedding turned out. In our case, trust was the key to great results (good practice for marriage, too).
I am Jewish and my husband is not religiously affiliated. We combined a diverse range of customs into our Jewish/interfaith wedding. As a sign of respect, we had the ceremony on a Saturday evening (so after Shabbat had passed), and incorporated many of the traditions, such as a chuppah, a ketubah, and blessings, that made the ceremony feel special and real for me. A few of our loved ones contributed fantastic readings. Our officiate performed without a hitch!
The ceremony was followed by a simple dessert reception. I cannot sing high enough praises for the “champagne and cake” reception; not only is it cost-effective, you are also in the mood to drink bubbly and eat dessert when you are feeling giddy and in love. Our ceremony and reception were both hosted in a historical mansion that we rented for the day from the parks department. The cost was very low, and because the mansion remains beautifully restored, it was a decoration in and of itself.
Advice for others planning to get married and throw a wedding:
1) There is a right way to do things, and that way is whatever feels right to you.
2) Pick the necessities that make your wedding feel real, and leave the rest in the dust.
3) Because our wedding was so practical, we feel stress-free now that it is over. We get to travel to Guadalajara in January, and Lima in March. Not going into debt is the best wedding gift you can give yourself.
4) Once you pick a date, things align. It may seem vague and misshapen at first, but everything will work in the end.
5) The wedding is a few hours. The marriage is a lifetime. Allocate resources accordingly.Which is... everything that needs to be said. Seriously. If you're early in the planning process go read this post again, just to make sure you really absorbed it all. Thank you Anna, reading about your wedding makes me feel all glow-y. So, may the two of you bask in each others glow for many many happy years.

Achem.

2009-11-29T21:31:00.001-08:00

Ladies, my few lovely Gentleman,
There have been beggings, and some pleadings for more real weddings, nownownow (which is a delight to me, I didn't know you all loved them so). I am doing my best this week, but if you're sitting at home thinking, "Hum. I've been meaning to send my wedding over to Meg," do. Or drop me a line to get the wedding graduate prompt if you've been dreaming of being a graduate.

I can tell you that I'm so grateful for getting the chance to write about our wedding. Having put it down in words makes me remember it that much better, and lets me go back and re-live it, through my own eyes, anytime I need to be closer to that moment. So. Writing about your wedding may be the best gift you can give yourself (and yes, you'll figure out surprising things as you write).

Think about it,
Meg

PS If you haven't done it recently, go read the Wedding Graduates for wisdom, and the Real Weddings for inspiration.
PPS I can't publish everything these days, but I read all of them and GRIN.

Calming.

2009-11-25T14:28:00.001-08:00

Dear Everyone,
You notice I turned the comments off on the please discuss post, and that comments are off on this post. I'm not quite sure why, so many of the times we talk about wife-hood on this site the comments get hijacked to talk about some sort of mythical fight between stay at home moms and working moms, but let me be very clear:

As far as I'm concerned there is *nothing* to debate. Whatever choice you make about caring for your children is between you and your partner. I hope we are able to make these decisions based on what is practical and what brings our family joy, not based on ideology of any sort.
As Cate, who read the comments in shock while she nursed her baby girl pointed out, there are many ways to skin a cat. It's not working moms versus stay at home moms, its how each of us chooses over the years to find a balance that works for us and for our children.
This is *not* a parenting blog. Period. This is a blog for talking about weddings and for talking about our experiences with marriage. Part of the reason that I'm tackling talking about marriage is that I think that there need to be more places to discuss our lives and experiences as married people (for most of us that means wives) totally separately from being parents (or mothers). Sometimes kids tangentially are part of the discussion, but that is not what the discussion is about.

All of this is to say that after much thought, and quite a bit of discussion with my lady blogging crew, my decision is this: At least for the moment, I will be editing threads, and deleting any posts that bring up the SAHM vs. WM debate. This blog is not the place for it, and it is getting in the way of the discussions that many of us are trying to have.

Now, here is to empowering women to live in ways that bring them joy, whatever that looks like.

Promise.

2009-11-25T04:50:00.000-08:00

I was reading Lauren's blog yesterday (you'll remember Lauren from her fabulous wedding in the MIT chapel). And I came across something that made me really sit up and take notice. Really take notice. Because when I talk about having a brave marriage, and not wanting to put off things like travel, and wanting to really voraciously experience life together, without kids, with kids, however, whenever that of course has a little to do with my family of origin. My parents (you'll remember their wedding from back here) are very happily married, and have had wonderful lives doing work they love. They did, however, always put off things like travel till "one day" or "when the kids are grown." And now they are less spry than they were, and still haven't traveled the world together, which makes me sad. So I want to make sure I don't miss that.

So here is Lauren, ending the week with a really important story:

Last night, I ran into a professor I have crossed paths with over the years at the university I work with. He is a quirky, thoughtful, poem-emailing literature professor, probably in his mid-sixties, who lets long pauses happen in the middle of conversations. I don't see him very often, but have been given very weighty topics to think about every time I do.

The last time I saw him was over a year ago. I was walking with some coworkers to get lunch, and he was walking the opposite direction, and I waved, and he called out, joking, "Why don't you get married and change your last name so I can finally pronounce it?" (Like I said, quirky.) To which my response was to hold up my left hand, since I had gotten engaged only a week earlier. His eyes got very wide, and he gave me a congratulatory hug, and then told me that his wife had passed away from a long battle with cancer.... a week earlier. When I asked him why he was already back at work, he said he didn't know what else to do. And then he looked at me very seriously, and said "My best marriage advice for you is to never, ever put off what you want to do. No matter how good the excuses seem, or how little money you have, or how practical it would be to wait- don't wait. Travel, move, experience new things together, and do them right away. Don't ever put these things off. Promise me."

And then yesterday, Lauren posted this about planning a budget with her new husband:

We also set a savings goal that would make us both feel comfortable with any emergencies that came up (after buying a house and paying for a wedding in one year, our savings is severely crippled.) We figured out how long it would take to reach that goal, and then Jeff said "So, should we not travel until we reach our goal?" My response was "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Buying a fridge- sure, we can wait on that. But traveling, exploring, experiencing new things together- non-negotiable. I don't care HOW little money is in our bank account.

A wise lady that one. I'm proud to share a wedding day with her.

So with that, I wish you a multitude of gratitudes this (American) Thanksgiving weekend. Because as frustrating as planning a wedding can be, and as complicated as negotiating being a wife can be, having a life partner is such a huge thing to be grateful for. So go, plan, dream scheme together. I'll see you back here on Monday.

Please Discuss.

2009-11-24T03:50:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering lately (and asking in some of our long chatty comment discussions) if it's possible that this idea of 'one perfect day,' 'your big day,' you should look like a princess,' blah blah blah are maybe all tied up with our concepts of being a wife.

Because the stuff about being a wife that gets drilled into our heads through our cultural noise (hello Oprah) is about how once you become a wife (and mother, since, well, obviously that's next) 'you let yourself go' and 'you put yourself last' and 'after you have kids it's not about your dreams anymore, you won't even care about your dreams!'* And if, at least partially, you believe all that.... then don't you deserve to go out with a bang? Don't you deserve a day of perfection, a day of everyone catering to you, a day of being a princess? Because if you really believe that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life, don't you want to make it as grand as possible before you go into the long decline?

What do you think? Are these two lines of cultural chatter connected? Are they totally not? What am I missing? I could be very wrong, but I keep rolling this over in my head, so I wanted to throw it out there. Chat!

*It seems totally unfair to children to put the fact that you gave up your DREAMS for them on their backs. I mean, live your own dreams, show your kids that having a passion is possible, and let them figure out their own damn dreams.

VERY IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION: Didn't think I needed to say this, but maybe I do. I don't believe in any of these things (including the kids naturally follow marriage bit), and I don't expect that most of you do. Nor do I expect that they always or often happen - my mom didn't live this life, and I don't plan to! But - these sets of beliefs about marriage and wife-hood are part of our cultural landscape, like it or not. They are, thank god, not the *only* way our culture looks at these roles, but they are two of the prevalent ways. Ok, that's all, carry on!

If You're Not Engraged, You're Not Paying Attention

2009-11-23T03:43:00.000-08:00

If you get angry at how totally screwed you feel (rock, hard-place, hard-place, rock) when planning a wedding as in intelligent woman, then people call you the-word-I-won't-even-say-here-because-it's-so-un-feminist. So it's time for a new word:

Engragment - The feeling of rage that so often sweeps over you when trying to plan a wedding within the bounds of reason, while staying true to yourself.

Possible uses:
Honey, I just called that super hip, low-key venue that we saw on the blogs. You know the one's all the budget/DIY couples were using? Yeah. It costs $7K for a Saturday afternoon, and that doesn't include tables, chairs, plates, or the security guard and the venue DOC that we have to hire. I feel so engraged I could rip out my hair.

Oh. That's nice. This wedding magazine said this bride was super-budget-conscious, but the wedding is at that $7K venue, she's wearing two designer dresses, and the photographer is that one who's prices start at $10K. This is BUDGET??? This cr*p makes me engraged!

So I asked my mother today if she'd help haul the beer to the site the day of the wedding. But, engragingly, she just told me, "Oh, I don't think that will work. But don't worry dear, it will all work out, and just remember, at the end of the day you'll be married!"

How would you use it? Go!

(Thanks Carrie, you make my typos better.)

A Note From Peonies & Polaroids

2009-11-22T17:57:00.000-08:00

Remember when my blog got eaten, and I cried the whole weekend before our wedding on and off because I didn't even have my files? And how now I have to backup my blog on another blog so that if it ever happens again, I'll have your comments and stuff? And how now I'm trying to get off effing bl*gger? (are they watching me now? I'm editing their name. Don't eat me!)

Anyway. The same thing happened to poor Cara this weekend, who is crying in her kitchen (or hopefully sleeping tight with a lovely fluffy rabbit right now, dreaming of happier blog days). Her domain name got eaten, so for the next three days you can find Peonies And Polaroids right here. And she's talking about New York all this week. Broookkkkkllllllyyyynnn! Anyway.
Phew. Your welcome.

Pictures, quite obviously, are by P&P herself

What I Think About "Wedding Styling"

2009-11-21T15:34:00.000-08:00

I just received an email from a graduate student in marketing (as far as I can tell) , wanting to know what I thought about wedding styling, and wedding stylists. WEDDING STYLING. You know, when you hire someone to make your wedding look like someone else's vision of cool, or pretty, or acceptable.

Can we talk about this crap? Can we talk about this new fresh hell that the wedding industry is trying to inflict on us? Because f*ck me. Seriously. In case you're wondering, my response was that I thought wedding styling was 'a cynical manipulation of women's insecurities at a vulnerable transitional state in their lives.' Not that I'm at all, you know, opinionated on that. Or that the idea that people are now trying to sell you wedding styling makes me so enraged that I want to run around and stick scissors into peoples eyes. Or anything.

East Side has said it better that I have, so just for your reference:
Your wedding is not a photoshoot
and
They were just smart enough to capitalize on what the cool girls have been doing forever

So. In short. Do not let wedding blogs, wedding magazines, wedding planners, other peoples wedding pictures, wedding porn, or F*cking wedding stylists make you feel insecure about your own style and your own taste. I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE A COOL GIRL, and that your taste is always going to be infinitely cooler and more authentic then someone who makes you feel insecure about yourself so you'll hire them to make you feel better. Period.

(Climbs off soapbox and puts it away. For now.)

Picture: This is what a cool girl looks like. The real thing. Not some fake styled B-S. (Peony::Love herself as shot by her sister on Polaroid. The whole wedding is back here.)

Psssttt...

2009-11-20T15:00:00.001-08:00

Emily just made her win a free 2010 wedding photography package (Northern California or pay for travel) a whole lot easier. Please go win, and then let me feature your wedding!

Now go enjoy a weekend of jumping in puddles! And I'm off....

Picture: Team Practical, showing how it's done (send me your wedding already Mayi!)

Classic APW: How Is More Important Than How Much

2009-11-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

Mouse, the blogger over at Good Mouse Bad Mouse has started a new blog about planning her wedding, Souris Mariage. The blog makes me feel strange, because it reminds me of APW back in the day, and makes me want to yell things at the screen like, "Save-The-Dates don't matter that much Isweartogod! Stay out of bridal salons Isweartogod! Engagement pictures are not worth lots of thought, or really any thought at all, Isweartogod!" Which are of course my lessons, not Mouse's lessons, and everyone gets to learn their own. Or something. I tell myself that. But, anyway. The other day, in the middle of a post Mouse said something that made me blink my eyes at the screen, "Blink-blink-blink, wiggling-head-around, blink?" She said: "Meg, over at A Practical Wedding, has made a passionate and sustained argument for using your wedding money *for something.* Indeed, I won't have a chunk of expendable income like this for, like, ever. So the purchases I make for my wedding--and I am making this commitment now--must support a better world. I'm not a super-hippie, and I may not be able to be green all the time, but when spending this amount of money, I'm called to consider its impact." And then I whispered to myself, "Oh. Is that what I've been saying all this time? Oh." So. In honor of that, I thought we'd revisit this post about the hows and whys of wedding spending. It wasn't from ages and ages ago, but if I was compiling the posts I've written here that are most important to me, this would make the cut.I've noticed, over and over again, that out here in the indie wedding world, brides still a tremendous amount of pressure to fit in. It's like when we get rid of all the crazy WIC rules (favors! matching dresses! chicken or fish! limos!) we want to substitute a bunch of other rules to live up to.

I know this, because I regularly get emails from people assuring me that their wedding was practical because they spent "under $10,000" (we've put a lot of pressure around the arbitrary $10,000 number for some reason) or because they only spent $4,000, or because they spent $16,000 but that included their rings and their honeymoon. But here is the thing: I don't care. I really, really don't care how much you spent. You can spend a tiny bit of money and still drive yourself mad trying to live up to all the wedding industry standards, but at a lower price point. Or, you can spend a pile of money and still have a amazing laid back generous wedding that reflects who you are. So let's re-think this. Here are some things that I think are important:

That you have a honest wedding. That your wedding budget (whatever it is) reflects who you are, and what you feel you can afford to spend. That when you think of your wedding budget you don't feel ill and wonder, "oh dear god, how are we ever going to pay off this party?" I mean, in my experience *any* wedding budget will make you feel ill now and then, but most of the time it should make you feel confident like, "Hey, it feels like a lot of money, but we're spending smart, and we can do this thing."
That you tried to spend less then you can afford. At the end of the day, it's nice to know that you have a little in the bank in case of an emergency, and you didn't blow it all on one day. (I'm aware that this is not always possible. In my most broke days a marriage license would have felt like more then I could afford.)
That you have a laid back wedding where you care more about having a wedding that reflects who you are then meeting some arbitrary criteria, whether they are set by a wedding magazine or a blog.
But there is one thing that I care about most of all: I think how you spend your money is more important than how much you spend. When I look back at what we've spent our money on, the decisions I feel the best about are the ones where we put our money towards things we believe in. I don't feel best about the affordable wine we bought at Bevmo (though I think it was a smart choice), instead I feel the best about the wine that we bought on sale from Meeker - our favorite funky, low brow, small, local winery. When we bought Meeker wine, we helped support a business that we want to thrive in a difficult economic environment, and I feel great about that. I've tried to look at our wedding budget as money we are going to spend regardless, and tried to allocate it to people, businesses, and local artists that we want to thrive.

Drea, who's amaaaazzzzziiinnngggg wedding I posted back here summed it up well on her blog:

We wanted to keep the focus on friends and family and each other. That said; things still cost money. We decided to spend money in a way that made sense to us, on goods and services from local vendors, many of them friends, and many of them Josh's clients. I believe that these decisions, the energy we put out into our community, and our little bit of local economic stimulus are the reasons we had such a beautiful, and authentic-to-us wedding. Go karma!

So: PLEASE stop obsessing about if your budget meets some arbitrary standards, and start thinking about if it feels honest. Start thinking about where you are spending your money, and if it reflects your values and makes you feel good. And forget the phrase 'budget wedding', because it's meaningless. My budget is not your budget. My wedding is not your wedding. And if you are reading wedding sites that are making you feel sad because they are suggesting that the budget alternative for invitations is a $2,000 letterpress package, or that you should scribble your invitations on printer paper for free and not even use the postal service because it is for sellouts, or some other nonsense, just stop reading. Their budget is *clearly* not your budget.

Keep it simple, keep it sane, keep it honest. And go karma!

Sponsor Appreciation Day {These Guys Rock}

2009-11-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

Last week, I switched all my sponsors ads to smaller, sleeker ads, so they are a little easier to see. And, why am I telling you this? Well because they blew me away. Everyone re-designed their ads with you guys in mind. When I look down the wee pictures on the left hand side of the blog I see reflections (and in some case pictures) of all you sassy, smart, and independent ladies (and some men). So, because I'm excited about that, and am really grateful to all my sponsors for helping me take the time to write and build this community, I thought I'd do a little sponsor appreciation. Here they are. They are all wonderful, talented, reasonably priced, and kind. Look for wedding elves in your area, or for pretty rings, flowers, and paper. Because I give this crew a thumbs up. I like them very much. Very very much.

One Love Photo. Our photographers, enough said. Seattle Washington, will travel.
Printable Press. Wedding invites and paper ephemera you print at home. Stylish as h*ll.
Bario-Neal Jewelry. I would like to buy it all. I'm not joking. Check for wedding baubles.
Bravo Bride. Re-sell that wedding stuff. Shop for dresses, NICE dresses, discounted.
Emily Takes Photos. Look at her ad! That's our feet! San Francisco Bay Area.
Keira Lemonis Photography. Color, style, edge. Upstate New York, New England.
Turtle Love Committee. Unique, affordable, ethical engagement and wedding rings.
A Beautiful Day Photography. Former hard-news photojournalist. Seattle Washington.
Blooms By The Box. Wholesale flowers delivered to your door. Amazing customer service.
Cevd Custom Invitation Studio. Christine did our invites. Her talent has no bounds.
Christina Richards Weddings. Arty, dreamy, magic. Getting started in the SF area.
Daniel Powell Photography. Talented up-and-comer in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Emily Sterne Photography. Team Practical member, just wed. Photographer. Boston Area.
Gabriel Harber Photography. I've been a fan of his work for 10 years. San Francisco Area.
Hello Tenfold. Ellie of Mint is now making simple modern wedding paper goods.
Julie Randall Photography. Indie. Hip. Edgy. Beautiful. Portland, Oregon.
Kate Harrison Photography. She *adores* you guys, and her photos, whew! SF Area.
Lillian and Leonard Photography. I could not love them more. Scotland, UK, Europe.
Loren Weltsch Photography. Breathtaking photos, kind, kind woman. San Francisco Area.
MagnetStreet Weddings. Cool little save the date magnets, affordable invitations.
Modern Girl Invitations. Color! Style! Plus ease and affordability, whee!
Peonies & Polaroids, The Shop. Dreamy photos for your home. My home, in particular.
Pretty Pretty Paper. Cevd's ready-to-wear (er, buy) paper goods. Same talent, lower price.
Stonehouse Photo. I love Hannah and her brave brides. Wisconsin and surrounding area.
Studio Mathewes Photography. Jocelyn is such a friend of this blog and talent. Baltimore.
Charmed Circle. A pro who teachs you how to save $, one on one by phone, so affordable.
Wedding Paper Divas. Affordable and beautiful invitations. Huge variety.

Thank you sponsors. You let me spend time building this site that I'd never be able to otherwise. Hip-hip-hooray! Now go browse, pretty please?

Classic APW: Drea & Josh

2009-11-19T03:15:00.000-08:00

When I think of weddings that get posted on this site, Drea's wedding is the first one I think of, always. Maybe it's because this picture pretty much sums up what I think a wedding should be (and what ours ended up being):Or maybe it's because we took the Beatles quote Drea used in their wedding and put it on the first page of our program: “And with a love like that, you know you should be glad.” Because that sums it up, right? So, here for their encore performance, Drea and Josh:

It was easy for us to be creative, thrifty and sane in the planning of our wedding because very little traditional wedding stuff was actually important to us. We were married on January 24, 2009 at Lovely: A Bake Shop in the Wicker Park neighborhood of Chicago.What made our wedding creative: I am a metallurgist for a large, multinational steel company, and Josh owns his own business; the web and print design firm Boys From Jupiter. It was important to us to support small local businesses, and almost every part of our wedding was local and independently owned, in most cases by friends of ours.We bought our rings (stainless steel, a nod to my profession) from a funky, local jewelry store, The Silver Room, one of Josh’s clients. Josh designed our invitations and website where our friends and family could find details about the wedding and pictures of us as well as rsvp online.
We had both our ceremony and reception at Lovely. The bakery’s owners, our friends Brooke and Gina transformed their cute bakery space to a glittering, elegant reception area and dance hall. We put up a tent in the courtyard (with heaters, this is winter in Chicago after all) for the ceremony and after dinner dancing.We were married by a good friend of ours who wore a James Bond-esque tux he bought that morning (he’d left his suit in Colorado), Josh wore his only suit (it looks good on him), and I wore a dress I bought the week before. We had no bridesmaids or groomsmen, but everyone we love stood around us as we exchanged vows we wrote ourselves.

The catering was done by an amazing neighborhood restaurant, Bonsoiree, and our gorgeous photos were taken by another friend, photographer Michele Wayman. The food was so good that people are still talking about it and I still cannot believe how beautiful the pictures are. “Blackbird,” by the Beatles played as I walked in to the ceremony and our first dance was to “Blame it on the Boogie” by the Jackson Five- it caught everyone a little off guard, but we loved it.

What made our wedding thrifty: We had no colors or centerpieces or themes or favors. My mother, my MIL and I spent the morning arranging the flowers we bought wholesale and I handmade booklets to serve as place cards for each of our guests. At each of their seats instead of a card with their name on it they found a booklet with their picture on the cover and inside was a personal note from me and a favorite Beatles lyric: “And with a love like that, you know you should be glad”
We bought all the wine and beer wholesale- and now we have wine for months; we over estimated what lushes our friends might be. The day after the wedding we invited all of our friends and family over to our house for brunch. I served quiche, deviled eggs and baked French toast, as well as leftover champagne and wedding pies.I did my own hair (though I did have it blown out in the morning) and one of my girlfriends, a make-up artist donated her services. Josh made rocking mixes on his ipod for before the ceremony, during dinner and dancing. We took taxis to and from the wedding, because that’s how we normally get around town, and figured why fix it if it isn’t broken. All in all our wedding came in at less than $10,000, but it felt like a million bucks.What made our wedding sane: The two things that did the most to keep our budget low also kept us sane, and they were actually the most organic things about the wedding. We had a small wedding, 47 guests, but that was born less from a desire to be thrifty than from a desire to only be surrounded by people we know and love on our wedding day. We didn’t want to spend the whole night making polite small talk when we could be dancing.
I think the number one best thing we did was plan the wedding in three months. When we got engaged our first instinct was to go down to city hall and elope that weekend, but we didn’t want to miss out on this one chance to get all of our friends together this one time; I am from Denver, Josh is from Chicago, and we knew we’d never have the chance again. Neither of us wanted anything fancy so we didn’t need the extra time to plan. It kept the wedding from getting bigger than us, and it kept what was important in the forefront of our minds.

I can honestly say that planning our wedding was a stress free experience for me. The reason is simple. We picked two things we cared about, and decided, actively sometimes, not to worry about anything else. We wanted good food and lots of booze. Done and done. So when the caterer said, “what color linens do you want?” I’d say "I don’t care" and I meant it. And when the bakery girls said “What kind of pies do you want?” I’d say, "whatever you feel like making is fine" and you know what? It was. They were delicious. I know that kind of wedding planning isn’t for everyone, but it certainly was for me.In the end it turned out to be more amazing than anything I could have dreamt up if I’d tried. Plus absolutely nothing went wrong, because I had no expectations. I owe much of the magic of our wedding to the bakery owners Brooke and Gina as well as the catering coordinator Anthony Navarro, who has his own event planning business, Liven It Up. They all knew I didn’t care about the details and gave us the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever seen- though, admittedly I may be a little biased.

More wedding pictures can be found on my blog The Maiden Metallurgist.

Pictures by the lovely Michele Wayman Photography

Classic APW: Please define elopement. And use it in a sentence.

2009-11-18T03:13:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Sass alert! Avert your eyes, you sensitive souls.

This is one of the first posts I wrote five weeks after getting engaged, and oh, four weeks after I'd realized that the wedding world was Totally. Nuts. I hadn't even found out about, erm, 'first glance dresses' and boudoir pictures. No. I was still in the wading pool of crazy. In the wading pool, I found out that I could spend five figures on a elopement package at a vineyard in Napa. Which? If we had planned on eloping, we could have taken that much money, gone to Italy for two weeks, and popped into a courthouse in Rome to married-get, and then vaaacccaaaattttiioooonneeeeeddd. Which actually sounds really nice.... hum.

I had no readers to speak of in the way-back, so I was less, um, censored. So, vintage Meg, coming 'atcha:Once a week (at least while we were picking our venue, tough on a limited budget) one of us would say, oh hell, lets just elope. But then we found out even elopement isn't what it used to be! Now people sell "elopement packages." They offer you a lovely venue to say your vows, a photographer, and dinner for your closest family and friends. You bring the dress and the flowers.

You tell me what's wrong with this picture.

On the plus side, I'm sure $10,000 or so is considered a decent budget for today's more modest elopement.

Photo via flickr.

Thank You Lady Blogs. Thanks.

2009-11-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

You're going to be seeing this everywhere, so you might as well see it here early on. This is the interwebs add for the new book about Kirtsy, Kirtsy Takes A Bow. And while I haven't seen the book yet, this ad says exactly what I feel about what we're doing here. Because I get to say things here that I would have a hard time pitching to an editor, out of the blue. You want to talk about what? Smart women getting married? The way that we struggle to find meaning and equality in a wedding culture that's saturated with what we *should* do? How straight marriages can be part of the fight for marriage equality? What marriage really is, and what it means, and what we're scared of, and how we build a life that's different from the life society tells us is going to make us *so happy*? Yeah. I don't think there is a market for that.

So thanks blogosphere, and thanks to all of us. For gathering, for talking, for sassing, for braving, for fighting, for struggling, for finding, for telling our stories.

And just so you know? That screen shot up there? That's from the very first blog I ever read in the whole wide world. The blog that made me want to be a blogger... one day. I remember when that post went live. It was 2004ish. So thanks Andrea. Thank you.

Classic APW: Hee.

2009-11-17T03:32:00.000-08:00

I found this going through my archives, and it cracked me up. Maybe I should go through my archives more often, to find things I totally forgot. Please click on the image and look at it full size. Please. Yeah. I can't even follow that up with witty text.

Classic APW: A Curated Week Of Rest

2009-11-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned on Friday, I decided I need a little down time this week. I've had a tremendously stressful few weeks (which I will talk about at some point), and now that things have reached a relieving conclusion I found myself feeling emotionally and creatively drained. No good.

So as I take this week to rest and renew, I'm going to post what David calls "Classic APW," or stuff from the archives. Some of you will have read these posts, some of you won't, but think of it as a curated week, I'm sharing some of the posts from the last 1.5 years that I love the best. If it turns out you guys like it, we might do it now and again.

So don't be shy, comment, chat. I'm still here, I'm just like a wilted little plant, waiting for the rain.

On DIY Opression

2009-11-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

Did you guys see that Jessica Valenti of Feministing was the subject of 'Questions' in the New York Times Magazine yesterday? She wasssss, and it might or might not be on our fridge now. And we're just going to ignore the stupidity of the title of the article: Fourth-Wave Feminism. But. Anyway. I needed to quote her here, for all of you who are feeling oppressed by the DIY aspect of non-mainstream weddings, and lets face it, *any* kind of wife-dom:

I’m not a D.I.Y. feminist. I once tried knitting a scarf but threw it away after 15 minutes.

Right? So stop making yourself feel bad about all the DIY you're not doing, and have a cocktail while you read the interview, and make yourself wiser. Done.

Reclaiming Wife: What We Need, What We Fear

2009-11-16T03:52:00.000-08:00

If we had a Team Practical book club, this month we'd be reading The Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston (thanks commenters).I'm letting you know, because if you want to snag a copy, go do it, so then you can debate me when we chat about it later. I have some problems with the book (I adore Nigella Lawson and her smart, sensual cookbooks, thanks) but it's talk about the 'wife gap' - the gap in our cultural conversation between bride and mom, is worth a lot more discussion. Because even once we are moms, I hope that we'll be allowed to define ourselves as self first, wife second, mom third (as eloquently discussed at Project Subrosa).

But in the comments back here, you guys got me thinking: how do we think about the marriages we want? One of you asked me if I was going to re-name this site A Practical Marriage, and my reaction was, "No! My big fear is of having a practical marriage." The thing is, I have a practical disposition. I'm a saver not a spender and I like to drive the speed limit. So I'm worried of falling into the trap of doing all the marriage 'shoulds,' or at least the shoulds of my family and particular culture. I'm worried about saving up a down payment right away, but never seeing Italy. So for me, I tell myself that I want a brave marriage. Brave is what will push me to make sure we're living the lives we want, or need to live, and not just living out our shoulds.

But what about you guys? What kind of marriage are you afraid you'll have if you don't pay attention? What kind of marriage do you really deeply want? I'm interested in the way we think about this, separately and collectively. I'm also pushing us to constructively disagree here. I think its laudable to want a practical marriage, and I could really learn from someone who did. I also don't feel (for whatever reason) pressure to have a perfect marriage, but really empathise with those feeling that pressure.

What are you dreaming of? What are your fears?

Dress, Given

2009-11-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

And Michelle's lovely dress finds its perfect home with Kourtney who said:Firstly, I'd like to say how I literally gasped out loud when I saw this beautiful dress! I've looked a lot online and in magazines but it is the real bride in the real dress that is more impactful than the most experienced model in the most expensive designer gown. A photo of a real woman in real love is provocative and priceless.

I recently became engaged to a my fiancee, Matt, my first boyfriend, the giver of my first kiss and someone I've had the distinct pleasure of dating for almost 5 years. He asked me to marry him on the beach of our childhood church camp. He surprised me with my family, his family, all of our friends and a beautiful ring we picked out together. We are planning our wedding for next August and are currently diving into the endeavor of planning this wedding in the spirit of 'A Practical Wedding', creative, DIY, personal and SANE!

We are young (20 and 21) but have developed a mature and unconditionally loving relationship. They say "Love is patient" and we've been quite patient in waiting for this time of our lives and we are quite excited! Your beautiful dress would be an incredible gift as we are currently working toward our degrees and wishing to begin our marriage debt free. The style of your dress is my dream style, simple, elegant and classic. The size is exact and the dress exquisitely my taste. This kind of generosity is stupefying and I am moved that you would be willing to offer a piece of joy from your own special day with a perfect stranger. I would be honored to wear your dress.

Thank you Michelle, we all appreciate what your generosity inspires. And Kourtney, you've got yourself a wedding dress. Email me!

What is Marriage?

2009-11-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

And lets end the week with this, shall we? Yes. I think we shall. Lovely Emily sent me this, and well, I can't pass up Grover can I?

And with that, how can you have a *bad* weekend? Next week we'll dive into the wife stuff again, I think. And maybe revisit some of my favorite APW posts from the archives. I need some creative renewal... some down time, and some time talking about the meat of this marriage stuff with you guys (and with Grover!) Till then I raise my cocktail to you all! Have wonderful days of rest.

Michelle and Josh's Day Of Community And Love

2009-11-12T03:40:00.000-08:00

When Michelle's wedding landed in my inbox, there was something about it that I loved. Maybe it was the fact that she and her husband Josh got married in the church that he grew up with, or maybe it was all the grinning faces, I don't know. But what I do know is while I was putting this post together, I kept feeling warm and wonderful. This is what a wedding should be, this is a couple and a community with enormous hearts and the right priorities. Because weddings should bring us joy, even in the midst of great heartache. And this wedding is nothing but joy.
Our wedding was held at Trinity Baptist Church in North Canton, Ohio. Josh grew up in this church and had several "second families" there, all of whom had adopted me since I had been attending with him.The reception was at the Metropolitan Centre in Canton. It was a little bit of a splurge for us, but we wanted to have a big-city feel to the day because I went to school in Boston and Josh proposed there. Living in a small town, there weren't too many options for that sort of venue, and this one was just beautiful.Our wedding was creative because we had almost a year and a half to plan it. This gave us a lot of time to come up with projects that I could do ahead of time. Josh and I spent a few months designing our own invitations -- He's not super crafty but he has good taste, so I spent my weekends at school making mock-up ones and mailing them to him for his opinion. We finally settled on a design and I spent a few days making them. Having that project done almost a year before the wedding was awesome. We also made the centerpieces while home for Christmas break and spent spring break making a reception playlist. I printed out pictures and glued them into a notebook for our guest book. We borrowed an antique truck that Josh's dad won in a raffle to get us from the ceremony to the reception.Someone in Team Practical (we don't remember who but we love you!) had the idea of serving the cake themselves and we decided to do the same. We knew the day would be rushed and there were a lot of people coming from out of town, so we wanted to make sure that we saw everyone. I wore an apron that my aunt gave me at our bridal shower and everyone loved it.We have been taking pictures of our feet throughout our entire relationship, so we wanted fun shoes to wear. I wore $20 yellow heels from Target that my mom spent an entire year trying to talk me out of, and Josh and his brother wore Converse. (They changed into them right before the wedding, you should've seen the look on his mom's face.)

Our wedding was thrifty because we both had a hard time with the "wedding tax," so if something seemed too crazy expensive, we either made it ourselves or just didn't have it. I made the bouquets the night before, following a tutorial that I found online, but let our grocery store florist make the bouts and corsages (not too expensive and I'd be no good at it). My sister was my only bridesmaid and we were planning our weddings simultaneously, so we shared a lot of ideas (and the cake servers, the guest book pen, I could go on). I bought my dress at the Filene's Basement Running of the Brides -- my roommate was engaged at the time and we went to find her a dress, and I happened to find mine the same day. It was crazy cheap and fit perfectly without alterations, and freed up a lot of money for other things that we wanted. Josh wore a suit that we found at H&M. Laura and I went to Dillards and found her a cute black dress for $80 and wore shoes that she already had. Josh's grandma made his little sister's flower girl dress. I bought our invitation envelopes in Times Square when we went on a mini-vacation there last summer.We unfortunately were not lucky enough to have a cast of family and friends with wedding-related talents (aside from my cousin, who did my hair), so we didn't have a homemade cake or our best friend running the music. Money was tight for both of us and our families, but the beautiful "coming together" moments of our wedding were when people saw that we were cutting things because we couldn't afford them, and offered to pay. We didn't hit anyone up for money or give them a sad story about how we were missing out on a fancy cake, but they were excited for us and offered what they could.What made our wedding sane was that we got married. I was really good at having the occasional "let's just elope" freakout, but thankfully Josh was even better at the "at the end of this, you will be my wife" speech. Getting married at his home church by the pastor that helped raise him helped us both feel grounded and connected to our families and friends. There were people there that had known us both for our whole lives and our whole relationship, so it really felt like everyone was invested in what was happening.There had been a lot of stressful things in our life leading up to the wedding -- my dad was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and had to go through chemo, finishing his treatment the week after we got married. My cousin lost both of his legs in a hit-and-run in June, and he and my aunt and uncle were in Texas, working on his recovery. It was a hard summer in a lot of ways, but we focused on the joy for a day. The only tears shed during the day were by my sister during her awesome speech, who claims that she's "allergic to microphones" (she did the same at her wedding). No happy tears even, as far as I saw -- we were all just laughing, like we were finally relieved.One last thing that helped keep us sane was being engaged for so long. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone, it did get a little bit old at times, but it gave us a lot of time to work things out. We had time to go through premarital counseling and talk to friends and family about what to expect. We spent almost the entire time apart, going to school and working in different states, so instead of seeing movies or listening to music or going for drives together, all we did was talk. It was tedious sometimes but we talked through some really hard things together, and I think that gave us a stronger foundation than we would've had otherwise.My favorite moments came from people after the fact -- a close family friend said that it was the most fun wedding she'd ever been to, because she could feel our joy; his grandma said she felt like it was a glimpse into our lives together. Those were our two main goals, and the fact that the people that came could feel that meant the world to us.

Photos: Christopher Blues Photography