Blue Hoop, Grey Ribbon

Tri Training

2009-07-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

Great fun. Running around the park trails like a track this morning. I've been running late all week, though, so my run was only about 30 minutes. Ah well, I keep on telling myself that running is still running, even if it could be ... more running.

And the biking. I biked to work and then 10 km more on Monday morning. Lovely stuff, in the rain. I love biking in the rain.

The swimming? Not so much. I was having up and down, up and down, up and down blood sugars and every time I decided to go swimming I thought the better of it. Detaching from my pump and my meter in times like those times is just not a logical option. I need to work on having fewer of those times or figure out WHEN the heck I can go swimming without making my blood sugar go nuts. Maybe in my sleep? There's a thought.

And for my tri training, biking, sustainably moving friends! A lovely contest for a cargo bike! Now carrying two kids up a hill: that's good training.

Can't get the link to work? Try:
MADSEN Cargo Bikes

Green D - A wink to Mama

2009-06-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

From a comment on one of my previous posts, a nod to those who are ready to judge, particularly about the lack of greenness of chronic illness. Sustainable chronic illness, a whole new realm of environmental activism! Sounds exciting?

Seriously, though - I have considered it. I am an environmental educator, after all. And the fact that my pump only takes standard batteries that don't recharge? That sucks. Apparently the pump doesn't recognize that the batteries work unless they have a complete charge, and only disposables appear to have a full charge.

So I purchase disposable batteries, and a lot of them. My sensor alarms drain battery power like you wouldn't believe. What do I do? I put the batteries into the hazardous waste container in our church, so they don't go into the landfill. I'm investigating the new Enviromax batteries that they have at health food stores, though I expect that they'll generally be a little more expensive than the current ones that I use. But not by much, surprisingly.

And how about this super funky idea? Using the body's energy to power the extra parts that some of us need to live? Wow. This could be the basis of a pump could be implanted, a closed loop system.

What else? Pump supplies come in major packaging. Some is paper, easy to recycle. Our community has a recycling day once a month, and at the moment I am saving the weird little packages to give to the people who collect weird little packages for recycling.

My current pet peeve? Fed Ex-ing supplies. Yes, sometimes it's an emergency, and I'm all for sending my goodies on a quick trip on the plane. But an extra part that I might need for my pump someday? Not so much. Let us make a choice how we want things shipped.

And yes, my insulin. I'm sure it's a fabulous concoction of stuff derived through mad scientist-like experiments, combined with some really great preservatives. Ick. But you know, it keeps me alive, and I am grateful for that. I know that there are animal insulins out there that are less removed what's natural, but I find that the system I use right now works for me most of the time, so I'm sticking to it. Preservatives be danged. Genetically-modified mad scientist cackling be danged. Fingers in ears. La la la.

Let's not forget self-forgiveness. If I can eat local most of the time but eat avocadoes some of the time, I can forgive myself for using disposable batteries to power my existance.

The other rant

2009-06-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

Some days, I've had it with doctors. I love my new health care team, but honestly, every time I go to see one, I head off into a new realm of worry. First it's my feet. Then my thyroid. Then my cholesterol. Then my cholesterol's actually not too bad. And my thyroid is actually somewhat ok. And my feet are probably damaged from running, not diabetes. Life is good. Then I have another appointment.

Like the other day. I went to the opthamologist, who asked me how my blood sugar control is. Now, it's been difficult due to seasonal allergies, so that is what I told him. He told me I should keep my cholesterol down, due to a comment by my GP. The comment by the GP is actually based on a conversation I had with her in which we concluded that my lousy cholesterol of last year was caused by excessive quantities of Cornish Pasties eaten during a trip to England. I shudder to think about the cholesterol levels of the average pasty-eating Brit.

Actually, my cholesterol is ok. Not fabulous, but ok. However, she noted in my chart that we had a discussion about it, therefore the opthamologist tells me sternly to control my blood sugar and my cholesterol...and I have to explain the above and sound like a rambling, excuse-making, non-compliant person.

I get tired of being scolded for something new every time I see a new doctor. It's tiring. It uses up my mental energy. And you know, they should try living with serious allergies, hormones, and diabetes. Sure, it's easy to scold someone and tell them to be perfect. But perfection isn't possible with this disease, at least not for me. And telling me that I fail to be perfect at every turn isn't really all that helpful. Support, empathy, and a small amount of understanding would be a good alternative.

Choice

2009-06-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

A couple of pent up rants from the last few weeks.

Since I hang out with a relatively crunchy crowd, I knew that it was only a matter of time before someone told me that it is not good to have radio waves and batteries next to your body all the time. Electromagnetic fields and all that.

So, it finally happened. And I was crochety. It's hard to explain to someone that sometimes there isn't the luxury of choice when you have a chronic illness. Yes, I could go off the pump and the sensor. However, that would mean much worse control than I have at the moment. Fewer electromagnetic fields messing me up, more blood sugar agony messing me up.

So I choose the technology that comes with the batteries and the radio waves, because I've determined that it's what is best for me in the long run. I could be wrong. Sometimes, it's all about choosing the least bad option. Unfortunately. And that's something that healthy people don't necessarily understand.

Thank you

2009-05-18T17:43:00.000-07:00

I've been sick on and off since January - mostly on. Although I did have those nice six weeks of allergies when I wasn't actually sick sick, just feeling crummy.

Two weeks ago I had no voice and had to stay home for the week. Now I have an obnoxious head cold that caused me no end of lost sleep last night.

You know what? I'm feeling grateful. When I'm healthy and feeling good, which is the odd day here and there - boy, I feel good. I put the feel good into feeling good. And when I'm sick, which is the norm these days, I'm still grateful - for my home, my garden, my family (not necessarily in that order). Oh, and ice cream. I am very grateful for chocolate ice cream.

I'm grateful that I can lose track of my daughter at church or around our neighborhood and feel like she's in good hands. I love it that so many people are working on the things that I feel are important in life. I love it that I can harvest rhubarb from my garden. I love it that when I feel good, I don't take it for granted.

The rule of thirds

2009-04-05T16:47:00.001-07:00

There seem to be many rules in diabetes management. The biggest one is that once you know the rules, they no longer work.

I've been very, very good lately. I'm trying to restrict my carbs to the level that works for me. I know where this is, I just don't always like doing it. I hear about people on the Atkins and Bernstein diets who say that their blood sugar is under fabulous control almost all the time. I'm not doing Atkins here, but I really doubt whether that would work for me.

You see, I've figured out that for me, blood sugar is only 1/3 about food. If I control the food, that leaves 2/3 left for general wonkiness.

Another 1/3 of my blood sugar control is about monthly hormone shifts. I've got those down, though they do require constant vigilance and management. I do understand them, though.

The last 1/3 is the wild card. This includes the impact of exercise in the moment, the long term impacts of exercise, stress, illness, site failures, tubing bubbles, insulin weirdness, seasonal allergies (a huge one right now) and the influence of the conjunction of the planets. Or something. Even if I have the first 2/3 of the blood sugar management sorted out, the last third sneaks up on me. Like now. Eating well, not at any particularly awful time of the month, and I've got alder pollen. I'm running a 200% basal these days and still making corrections. Yummy.

I wonder and shake my head in amazement at those with diabetes who manage to keep their blood sugar flat most of the time. Maybe they're all post-menopausal women (or men) who have no allergies, never experience stress or illness (or don't have a three year old in preschool) and lead a very predictable life? Methinks not. Anyway, I gape and I wonder and I applaud. And I also applaud those who struggle with blood sugar that's out of control, and I don't judge. Because sometimes that last third comes to bite you, and there's very little you can do about it.

For every season...

2009-03-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming more accepting of the seasons in my life.

The last few years, I've been balancing writing, crafts, exercise, volunteer work, and general down time. In the winter, I beat myself up for not exercising. In the summer, I beat myself up about not knitting. Uh huh. Not knitting.

Anyway, I've decided that I have a dormant period. It's called winter. Yes, I toboggan and walk in the snow, and I am comfortable running in the rain in the fall and the spring. But when winter comes with its dark mornings and evenings, I enjoy quiet time at home in the evenings. I have no desire to go out and run in the dark, cold, and ice. Yes, I know that's what treadmills are for, but to be honest I'd prefer to spend those long, dark evenings knitting, felting, and sewing!

In the summer I have no inclination to craft. I'm outside in my garden, I'm running, and I'm swimming in the pool in our townhouse complex. I don't have an urge to do Christmas crafting or other crafting. At all. While dedicated crafters are working on their Christmas goodies, I'm harvesting mizuna or running in the local forests.

Balance is often about pursuing what makes me joyful in that moment instead of carefully carrying everything at the same time.

2009-03-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

So apparently my feet aren't all that touchy-feely anymore. They've always been dodgy, even pre-diabetes, so I'm not surprised. I need to take care that little one doesn't run over them with trucks, that I don't get blisters, etc.

Apparently acupuncture has good results for nerve damage in feet and so does cayenne cream. I think that's what it is. I can't spell the actual name at the moment. Also going to try alpha-lipoic acid. It's good that I'm getting some contract work so that I can actually afford these supplements!

I must avoid visions of me with no feet. I'm going to cut down on my carbs again and try to reduce my A1C slightly, while keeping to few lows. Sigh. That is hard. I'm pretty insulin sensitive, so it's hard to live on the lower side of normal because any missteps and I end up in the basement, blood sugar wise.

On the plus side, it is sunny, slightly snowy, and very cool, and we're going for a hike!

Thought of the Day

2009-02-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am not afraid of what might come in the future.
I am sensible instead. I manage things. I organize life so it's easier to manage diabetes. And I forgive myself a lot.

I don't fear, and I don't worry. Why would I spend my precious energy doing that, when I could be living? As things come, I will deal with them. I will grieve, I will be angry, and then I will manage them as a part of life, whatever that life might look like.

I am not afraid.

2009-02-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

So I got the synthroid and felt a lot, lot, lot better for about 5 days. I had energy coursing through my body. It was fabulous. Felt like I was on some illicit drug.

And then my darling daughter got the flu. She bounced back in a couple of days. Me, I've had it for a week now and it is only today that I've started to feel like one of the living again.

Illness with diabetes is never fun. On Sunday I woke up with high ketones, zero energy, spent the whole day sipping water and staring blankly at the wall. Now, high ketones would usually call for a emergency visit since I NEVER get them, but since I'd also been eating almost nothing for three days I thought that I would give eating a try.

So, three blood sugar excursions into the high teens later, I had three successful meals and mild ketones. Success? Um, perhaps.

This illness has made me realize how ill-prepared our house is for me to get sick. Particularly in the food department. Dh's mom kindly went off and got us a ton of food so we didn't starve, but in high bg land, banana bread and mueslix just can't happen. Actually, they don't happen in my regular life either. Step one after this: have a lot of food on hand that I can prepare and eat.

I went to the clinic early this week to make sure my cough wasn't anything more dire. I just...couldn't breathe, nothing serious. I know that the receptionist was having a bad day, or perhaps she dislikes sick people. However, when asked to list my medications and sensitivities, yes, I have a list longer than four. And no, you don't need to look at me like that. You know. Like that. Next time I come in with my list of ailments, medications, and "no I can't take that's," I will explain sadly, calmly and quietly, "Yes, I never thought that my life of hard drugs would come knocking so early, but let this be a lesson..."And then I will sit down, pull out my knitting and my tea, and whistle.

Ok, I can see why you might not like sick people. ;-)

And Now for Something Completely Different (But somehow similar)

2009-01-31T09:51:00.000-08:00

A man with three...
No.

So I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. An urgent weekend one. Fun times. Apparently my thyroid is whacked. Might explain a few things: depression, hair loss, foggy brain, tiredness, difficulty sleeping, slight shortness of breath.

I am upset about this. When will this autoimmune insanity stop? Why can't my body stop attacking itself? Doesn't it realize that I kind of need these organs? Organ functioning is a useful thing, hmm?

The good sides of this: would also explain my elevated cholesterol (thyroid wackiness will do that to cholesterol), and my horrible blood sugars of the last weeks (autoimmune attack).

It's been coming. I was subclinical for some time, enlarged thyroid. I knew it was going to happen. It's just...I don't want to deal with it. Once I was healthy. That was four years ago.

Dang it, I was the person who ground her own bread flour in grade eight and recycled and ate organic and used nontoxic cleaners before just about anyone else. Yeah, I know that doesn't earn me any cosmic brownie points when it comes to my health, but when I have done so many things right...why do things go so wrong?

Acceptance

2009-01-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

We were at a dinner party. One person said, "So since all of these people you know are getting pregnant, does that make you really want to get pregnant?"

No more than usual.

Someone else chimed in, "Yes, I hear that having a second pregnancy can be really good for peoples' diabetes."

Well, since type one diabetes is not curable, I doubt it would work for me.

Arg. I walked out of the room.

First off, yes, I do want another child. My dh does not. I would be willing to go through pregnancy with diabetes. I think that I have coping strategies for sleep deprivation, though those would likely go out the window when I was actually seriously sleep deprived. But you know what? The decision is not because of my health. I'm not willing to bring a child into a relationship where one partner absolutely does not want that child. And that partner who doesn't want one? Despite the fact that I have diabetes, that partner is NOT ME.

Let's deconstruct. Curing diabetes with pregnancy. Pregnancy is challenging with type one. It doesn't improve things. How can something that pushes your body's systems improve things? And breastfeeding another...while it does lower blood sugar, from past experience I know that all night breastfeeding can also lead to severe low blood sugar.

The main thing that drives me crazy about these comments is the desire to cure me. People with any chronic illness work on accepting it. That's all you can do. Yes, you can work to manage it and work and hope for a cure. But a lot of this is about acceptance. It really is. And you know, those people with the good intentions who pat you on the shoulder and tell you that it's not so bad, there will be a cure next year? They don't help.

An imaginary cure is useful for people. It provides a way to sideline the situation. You will be cured. You are cured. Everything is fine. I've solved the problem. You're no longer dealing with this. Let's move on now.

Carefully-honed acceptance is a fine, fine thing. It's not a default emotional position. It's something I've worked on and thought through. Let it be.

Not so bloggy lately

2008-12-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

For some reason, over the solstice and Christmas season I came down with a bad case of the midlife meltdown. Current obsessions include the upcoming climate crisis and how this is going to impact all of our lives. I'm also railing quite a bit against any things in my life that seem to enforce a structure on me...or limit my options in any way.

Despite an absolutely grotty day of blood sugar, I'm finding the day to day grind of diabetes to be somewhat mindless. My resolution is to test more often to cross-check my sensor, though. Sometimes it is bang on, other times it's rather off. I used to test 15 times a day with no sensor, and I'd like to get back at at least 8.

Anyway, with all of my current survivalist and permaculture tendencies, I'm opening the application process for an insulin tree. I figure, I've got to be able to grow it in my backyard if I can't grow it in my pancreas, right? Maybe I can grow a pancreas vine while I'm at it.

Must go to sleep, I think.

Busy, busy and bananas

2008-12-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been crazy busy.

We measured the giant diabetes ribbon that I'm hoping to turn into a world record. 195 metres of it. Yee haw. The world's largest grey draft catcher, as someone kindly pointed out. I'm dismantling it and turning into smaller diabetes ribbons (smaller being ... oh, 8 feet tall when looped into a ribbon). These will hopefully go on display at different events across Canada. This was the weirdest thing I've ever done in public: measuring a giant stuffed knitted thing in the town square with the mayor on a rainy November day. I don't know if my husband will ever get over the public embarassment!

It's one of those times of the month (there are a couple!), and my blood sugar has been bordering on low all week. I got so sick of it today that I - get this - ate a banana. With no insulin. Hah! What an act of defiance! Taking a stand, I am! Or...something. It worked, anyway. Finally my blood sugar went up, even a little high.

I'm doing my annual cookie baking too. I've been doing this for 16 years now. I've baked my way through university finals and papers, writing my master's degree, travel plans, morning sickness, diabetes, a newborn, and now I'm baking with my preschooler. Sniff, sniff. My mom wondered why I didn't give up the bleeping baking when I got diabetes. Well, it's not like I eat ALL of it! I don't always like the labor involved, but I love seeing all of those baskets of cookies ready to head off to their future homes and tummies. People like cookies. I'm one of those people. And diabetes be fill-in-the-blanked, I am going to eat a couple now and then. Just keep me away from the fudge, please!

Life in pictures

2008-11-23T20:49:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, I was a geography student. And one of my professors talked about how tourists like to frame reality the way they want to see it. We take photos that avoid the garbage lying on the ground near the pyramids, we take the picture of the pyramid.

I've been framing a few photos today, and there is one that I really like. It was done this spring and dd and I are hugging each other. The only thing is that since I am holding dd, my medic alert bracelet hangs down from my wrist. It's really obvious because it is in the centre of the photo.

So I have not framed this photo. In fact, I didn't even enlarge it, even though it's one of my favourites. And no, I can't crop it.

Why should I want to crop it? Why should I want to avoid it? What's so wrong and ugly about this bracelet? If it were any other bracelet, it would just be something that I was wearing, right?

I suppose that I am still trying to edit diabetes from my relationship with dd. In some ways, it's an integral part of that relationship. Goodness, we did go to run a marathon in Iceland for the Diabetes Association this summer...and spend a year fundraising for it. And she is certainly aware that I must stop and test, stop and eat, stop and count my carbs.

But my attitude has been that life is normal, life continues as normal with slight modifications that may continue to be modified over time, as needed.

And perhaps my bracelet is too much of a reminder of the harder side of normal. The thing that I don't want hanging between us.

Not quite perfect

2008-11-18T23:34:00.000-08:00

I'm relishing imperfection today. Or rather, I am having a lot of it so I may as well enjoy it.

My pump site failed after dinner and I didn't realize it before I went swimming, hence the late bedtime for me tonight. New site, extra insulin shot, blood sugar crashing down, more jellybeans, go to bed with fingers crossed and sensor on.

After swimming but before site change, I took out the little felted animals, plants, and gnomes I am making for an advent calendar winter scene. As I am also coordinating the measuring of a giant diabetes ribbon and helping with a large human rights event that involves 60 children and working and helping at the preschool and trying to write some articles and ... I should be felting gnomes, right?

My gnomes are pretty feeble, but you know, I don't care. I think that this attitude is starting to catch up to me in some areas of my life, but in general I do a fairly decent job at most things.

I think that parenting and having diabetes have taught me the value of good enough. For years I did not feel good enough for anything, even though I excelled at most things I did. Now I excel at few things I do, but I feel a lot better about them. Other people will forgive me. I'll forgive myself. I'm glad. Even if my gnomes are pretty lousy.

Oh, dear...

2008-11-04T21:59:00.000-08:00

We visited the in-laws for dinner the other night, and MIL mentioned that someone dh knows had "come down with" type 1 diabetes in his twenties. And that his child has also developed it.

Full stop.

Where do I go from there, then?

Honestly...and this is totally a personal choice, but had I developed type 1 before I had a child, I would have pushed dh to adopt. I have always wanted to adopt anyway, and that would have been the final straw. While it's nifty to see our genes expressed in a child, I am more interested in being a parent than I am in being a biological parent.

Now I know that women with type 1 who have a child in their late twenties have a fairly low statistical likelihood of having a child who develops type 1. It seems to be more strongly inherited from the male line (it is in my case). But nonetheless, knowing that I have some rocking genes and some awful ones...the awful ones would nix the idea of biological reproduction for me.

I'm rarely a worrier, but I'm sure that one of the worst fears of any parent with diabetes is to have a child with the same disorder, to pass your junk on to the next generation. The guilt. Yes, life with diabetes is certainly worth living, but life without diabetes has a lot more pizza and worry-free nights.

So why the comment by MIL? An out of the blue fact? A fear? I don't know. But I can't stand being reminded that I have a crappy disease and that I could have passed it on to my kid.

There's a lot of fear that goes with diabetes, and although I tend to piddle through life trying to ignore it, sometimes I think that people think that means that there is no fear. That a cure is just around the corner, and that I can do whatever I'd like without thinking and without worry. I certainly don't want to milk my diabetes, but sometimes living well with it can make it seem like something minimal, something that would be easy for a child to have.

And it's not easy. It's real life for a lot of people, but that doesn't make it easy.

Hey, at least dd didn't get my flat feet with pre-made bunions. Sigh.

Do I fail now?

2008-10-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

When I was diagnosed, I got my A1C down into the 5's really quickly. I've always been a perfectionist. But perfectionism has its down side. I had no leeway. I'd go low at the drop of a hat. I started to lose my hypo awareness, and that is a lifesaver. What's the point of living with no complications if I go from a hypo in the middle of the night?

So I started to back off. Luckily for me, my hypo awareness comes back as easily as it goes. My A1C went up a little, still in the 5's. My wild blood sugar swings and severe lows stablized a bit.

Then, after a few scary lows in the middle of the night, I vowed that I would pay out of pocket for sensors. I love my sensor. I love the feeling that I have a fall-back, that I know how my blood sugar is trending.

My sensor has also allowed me to be aggressive with corrections, to eat more normally (within reason), and to exercise in a planned and well-structured way. It's also raised my A1C to 6, for the last 9 months.

People with type 1 are supposed to keep an A1C under 7 to reduce the risk of complications. The mid-5's are considered too low by many doctors - unless you're able to do this without a lot of major lows. I am very insulin-sensitive, and stress, hormones and exercise mess with my blood sugar a lot. It's hard to achieve the mid-5's with few lows.

So I've worked with the sensor to shift my blood sugar up a little, to reduce extreme lows and highs. Standard deviation of your blood sugar is almost as important as your A1C, apparently. The smaller the swings, the better.

On the sensor, I swing less but I have a higher average. And I don't like it. In the 5's I felt so perfect, like I'd figured it all out and would have diabetes beat. At 6, I feel like one of many imperfect people, even though I know it's more healthy and my doctors commend me on my excellent control.

I guess that my inner perfectionist from high school - the gal who got straight A's - she hasn't been banished after all. I'll continue to be sensible and work on stablizing blood sugar, but dang...wouldn't I like to see those 5's again.

Icky ick ick ick

2008-10-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am getting so sick of jellybeans. Use the dratted things to tweak my blood sugar when I'm out and about. They keep well, work almost instantly, and they don't taste that bad.

But boy, I am sick of them. And I can't bear to think of the percentage of my daily caloric intake that is ... jellybeans. Organic food. Free-range food. Local food and ... jellybeans.

I've switched to organic raisins for a while, but they travel poorly and for some reason, they just don't work fast enough for me. I've tried dates, raisins, juice as alternatives. Only sugary candy has ever seemed to work, and jellybeans are a somewhat tasty and cheap sugary candy. But blech.

Juice works, but those little tetra packs are expensive. And I can't stand the garbage/recycling I am creating.

I'm not willing to give up the freedom to choose to go for a spontaneous walk, so here I am, eating jellybeans with the best of them.

Blech.

The little movie that could

2008-10-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Love, love, love this youtube video. I'm archiving it here so that I can finally delete it from my inbox. Stick with it until the end.

Oh, and...

2008-10-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Can I just mention that hearing my three-year-old take her toy pump, push buttons, and say that she is giving herself insulin somewhat creeps me out?

I know that she's grown up with this, but I wish that insulin was not a word in her vocabulary.

Swimming and other scares

2008-10-26T21:14:00.000-07:00

I made the night of the lifeguard last Tuesday night.
No, I didn't nearly drown or anything. Just mentioned to her as I left that I am going to be swimming every Tuesday night and that I have type 1 diabetes. I think that I saw her Tuesday nights go down the tubes. Ah, well.

Overall, swimming is working. I'm able to sneak out after dd is asleep, remove my pump, check BG, get into swimsuit, drive 10 minutes, swim for 45, wash, rinse, and do everything backwards.

My main barrier to swimming was the fact that my bleeping pump is not waterproof. I don't want to leave it in the pool locker. It looks like a nice little device for someone to steal. I don't particularly enjoy leaving it on my bag on the pool deck, either. So I leave it at home.

The only reason I can do this is because my insulin from dinner is still working, so there's no chance of my going extremely high while I'm at the pool. It's when I get home that I'm apt to hit 200+. So I've been bolusing with a needle right after I get out. When I get home, BG is already heading down.

Except that the other night I whipped out the needle a bit too quickly, just as someone walked into the room. I wandered into the change room to do my shot.

Yeah, I know, I should proudly wave my needle about and shout "I have diabetes! Hear me roar!" above the din in the pool. But honestly, the prospect of explaining said needle at 10 pm when I'm trying to get home to bed and to my kid is just too much to want to deal with.

Everyone Else

2008-10-19T22:32:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be like everyone else.

This in response to a comment on an email list I'm on - are type 1 diabetic folks like everyone else? The point was that people with type 1 are NOT like everyone else - they may have kidney disease, poor eyesight, mental difficulties from blood sugar excursions.

I think that this is an important response to the "people with diseases and disabilities are just like all of the normal people" argument. Of course I'm a normal person. I parent my child, I go to work, I make food, I eat food, I agonize over personal relationships, I attempt to balance my accounts and still have some treats in my life.

Yes, I will likely run into diabetes-related complications that make my life more complex. I do now. When I have to sit down on the floor of the library with my daughter and read books because I'll fall over if I stand up, that's a complication of diabetes right there. And when she yells at me to get up because she doesn't want to sit there - and I explain that we have to wait - and everyone looks at me like I'm a nut - that's a complication right there too. And when I need to say that we can't go for an unplanned walk right after breakfast because she said that she didn't want to and I've already taken my insulin - that's another complication.

But I digress entirely. Ranty rant rant.

What I meant to say was that having diabetes has made me recognize that complications ARE normal. Most people I know have complications. One had breast cancer, another has MS. Another is a caregiver for a spouse, another has a spouse who's left the family struggling. All of these things make our lives more challenging and more complex.

Complications are a huge part of most peoples' lives. Sure, some of us might live charmed lives. But as we grow older, our health and our family situation and our lives in general tend to create situations that can be mentally and physically painful.

So despite the fact that I don't want to be a normal person, I am. Complexity is normal, and type 1 diabetes is just one part of the complexity is my life. I accept that, as I accept that others have their own complications - and I hope that they support me through mine as I try to support them through theirs.

Eye Spy

2008-10-18T23:01:00.001-07:00

My daughter was making a pretend bed the other day, and she made sure that she laid out her jellybeans. We cosleep, and yes...there are jellybeans beside my bed.

Other exciting goodies beside the bed include:
* Said jellybeans, for middle of the night lows.
* Extra glasses that I wear at night so I can see my pump
* Xylitol gum, just in case I can't brush after jellybeans
* Toothbrush and paste
* Extra pump battery and pump site and alcohol wipes, for middle of the night site failures.
* Flashlight, so I can change my pump site in the middle of the night without getting up.
* Test kit (finger poker and metre) so I can cross-check with my sensor or calibrate it at night.

Fun times! A bedside table is definitely on the want list.

Midnight (ok, 3 am) madness

2008-10-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm turning into the person who turns off her alarm clock, rolls over, and forgets about going to work until 10 am.

Except that's what I'm doing with my pump alarms.

My sensor settings are set quite tight, so I deal with a fair number of alarms during the day. At night, when I hear the alarm I wake up, I deal with my blood sugar, I go back to sleep. At least I think I do.

What sometimes happens is that I wake up, I fall back to sleep and I DREAM that I've dealt with my blood sugar. Then I wake up low.

Yikes!

In an effort to outsmart my sleeping self, I now wear tight shirts to bed, stick the pump under the shoulder part of the shirt, and voila - annoying pump alarming next to my ear to wake me up.

Except last night, my site came out as I slept. Without a sensor, I would have woken up vomiting and in DKA. Fun all around. With the sensor, I finally woke to my blood sugar creeping up. Luckily, the site had only been out for about an hour - according to my blood sugar records.

This has never happened before. I suspect that while I vigorously returned the heavy covers to dd, my pump slipped from my shirt and I threw it over dd. She moved, and the site pulled out.

Or did it?

Other option: I knew that I needed to change my site this morning. I set out everything to do it before I went to sleep, so I would remember in the morning (today was a busy day). Could I have possible tried to change my site in my sleep...and woken to a site removed?

Yikes.

Ok, I'm switching my site-changing time to right before dinner. Next step in my plan to outwit myself.