Life after Infertility & Loss

Monday Quote

2009-12-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

"Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!"

~Charles Dickens~

Monday Quote

2009-12-13T22:00:00.000-08:00

One of my favorites - a lovely lady, inside and out.

"As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others."
~Audrey Hepburn~

Monday Quote

2009-12-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

"The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore."

-Vincent Van Gogh-

(My favorite painting by Van Gogh)

The Great Recipe Round-Up Blog-Hop

2009-12-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Joining Kristin from DragonDreamer's Lair and others in this recipe exchange hop-a-long started by Mrs. Gamgee

I'm sharing a recipe that was shared with me by a dear Australian friend from college. I wanted to make it one Christmas and lacked the fruit that is usually used so modified it to reflect a more Holiday-ish taste. This has been a holiday standard in our house ever since and my oldest daughter who turns 13 today, even requested the more traditional fruit version as her birthday "cake". I only have pictures of the fruit version, but it will give you a good idea. Enjoy!

Holiday Marshmallow Pavlova

-6 egg whites
-1 cup sugar
-1/2 tsp corn starch
-1 tsp white vinegar

Preheat oven to 250 degrees F. Beat eggs whites until soft peaks form. Continue to beat, adding sugar one tablespoon at a time - be sure to scrape sides and beat whites until sugar dissolves before adding the next tablespoon. Once all sugar is added and dissolved, sprinkle corn starch and vinegar over top of egg whites and fold in gently. Spray and flour a large baking sheet. Place a dinner plate upside down in flour and draw around the edge leaving a circular shape in the middle of the sheet. Spoon egg whites into the circle. Spread out to the circle line and smooth edges up - keeping the outside edge of the Pavlova slightly higher than the center. (You want a bit of a "well" in the center). Bake in oven for about an hour and a half. The Pavlova will take on a pale color. The outside will crack and be somewhat crispy, but the inside will be marshmallow-y. Turn off oven and leave in with oven door ajar until cool.

For Whipped Cream:
-1 quart heavy whipping cream
1/3-1/2 cup granulated sugar

Topping:
2 cups crushed peppermint candies
1 bar chocolate for curls/grating

Beat cream until soft peaks form, add sugar (to taste - we like ours slightly less sweet) and continue to beat until the peaks are at the stiffness you prefer.

Spoon whipped cream into the center of the Pavlova. Sprinkle crushed peppermints over the top and garnish with grated chocolate or chocolate curls.

Delish! Also fabulous as shown in photo with fresh fruit. (Grated chocolate is a must with that too!)

*A little history on Pavlova: There is some hot debate over who exactly is responsible for it - Australia or New Zealand, but what is not contested is that it is named after the Russian Ballerina Anna Pavlova who toured both in the mid 20's. Essentially this is a large meringue with a lot of fresh whipped cream and fruit.

Monday Quote - A Bit Late!

2009-12-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Didn't scientists discover some mind numbing chemical present in Turkey . . . . ?

Ah well, here is your tardy Monday Quote: (and I so love this one)

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
-Truman Capote-

Monday Quote

2009-11-22T22:00:00.000-08:00

"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled."
-Plutarch-

March of Dimes Fight For Preemies - Bloggers Unite

2009-11-17T12:42:00.001-08:00

My Daughter in the NICU - December 1996, 1 week old

In December of 1996, I became part of a statistic. I became that mom who is the mom of the one in eight prematures babies born in this country. My oldest daughter was born at 33 weeks due to an abrupting complete placenta previa. In 2000, I became part of that statistic again with the birth of my son at 36 weeks when my membranes ruptured spontaneously. Before I had my preemies (while not considered micro preemies, they still required NICU time), I had the mistaken idea that early babies were fine - just smaller than full term babies. The night my daughter was born at 33 weeks, I had no clue - not one iota of what giving birth to a premature infant really was going to be like. I really wish my doctor had prepared me better for the NICU. At 4 lbs, 17 inches, my daughter was pretty much on target for her gestational age and I had been given steroid shots to try and help her lungs mature faster as we knew with the previa she would most likely come early. She was on cpap at first because even though she could breathe on her own - she tired out rapidly and the alveoli in her little lungs were "sticky" due to immaturity - because these babies do not produce a much needed lung surfactant at first. That was the first day. She had an arterial line in her head. That was very upsetting to me as it is not easy to see this big tube stuck in a tiny, tiny head - and they don't put it in a vein, it goes in an artery. Her leg was splinted for her IV line and then her arm when they had to move the IV that supplied her with nutrition. The second day she developed a pneumothorax and they took a needle bigger than any I have ever seen before in my life and stuck it in her chest to draw off the air that had torn through her fragile lung tissue, so her lung could re-expand and she could breathe again. I didn't get to hold her until day 5 - because until then she was considered "Critical Care - Unstable" She was "Critical Care - Stable" when they finally let me hold her for the first time, arterial line still in place, leads attached to her chest, splinted arm, oxygen tube and all. The first week was literally hell. After that, things got better - slowly. There is a lot more she went through and yet, we were so fortunate. She has no lasting effects from her less than auspicious too early beginning and she came home at just over 3 weeks, weighing barely five pounds - dressed. We got off easy - no retinopathy, no hearing loss, no intercranial bleeds, no sepsis - just lots and lots of scars. Even after this - I still had the mistaken impression that my next preemie born at 36 weeks and weighing a whopping 7.5 lbs (for a month early, that's big) would be much better off. Not so. He had difficulty breathing at first too. Lungs. They get you every time. He only needed the cpap the first day and then was on oxygen for another week. He came home on the 8th day - but I didn't get to hold him for the first time and try breastfeeding him until the night before they discharged him. The doctor also wasn't convinced until 2 hours before they discharged him that he was going to be going home that day at all and that he wouldn't benefit from another week in the NICU.

The first time I had a NICU baby, I had one child at home - almost 3 years old. The second time, two children - one 6 and the other 3.5 years. I was torn. Wanting to be at the hospital every waking second - needing to be there, and wanting to be there for my other children at home, needing to be there too. I felt like a huge failure on all counts - my body failed my babies, I was a failure as a mom, I was a failure as a wife because the house was a wreck and I was a wreck too - notwithstanding I wasn't in great physical shape either - 3 weeks bedrest, hemorrhaging, csection - doesn't put you at fighting status. Being a NICU parent is emotionally and physically exhausting - even when things are going "well". Even once home, preemie infants are high maintenance - not a week went by without a visit to the pediatrician. Not having a phone call in to their office every other day was unusual. I had to keep a journal and calendar of all the medications and issues just ONE baby was having. Things were difficult enough even with another parent thrown in the mix to help out. I wish that more people knew and understood that prematurity is a struggle. When my pregnant friends say they can't wait for delivery and they just wish they could have the baby now - even weeks or a month (and once 2 months!) early - I tell them "you can wait." These are not just "mini" babies, usually they are doing about as well as can be expected for their size and gestation, and much of the time all you can do is be hopeful that every day will be a little bit better than the one before; they require critical care and time.

Today my preemies are 12 and 9 and beautiful and healthy. I was always amazed and impressed by my daughter's resiliency and serenity in the NICU. She was tough - tougher than I was. My son was tough too - but he hated every second he was in the NICU and voiced his displeasure often and loudly. You would never know to look at them today that their beginnings were difficult and trying - that there was a time when I didn't know if I should dare to imagine this day at all.

For more information on Prematurity or to participate in Bloggers Unite for Prematurity - please follow this link. This month is Prematurity Awareness Month and today is the day to help fight.

And so ends my 40th year . . .

2009-11-17T00:15:00.000-08:00

Maybe 41 will be kinder now that I'm starting to get the hang of things?

Monday Quote

2009-11-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

The reason we all like to think so well of others is that we are all afraid for ourselves. The basis of optimism is sheer terror.

-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray-

Monday Quote

2009-11-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.
-Kurt Vonnegut-

Amen

Baby Mine

2009-11-06T22:15:00.001-08:00

I planned on reading you many books

I was going to be the coolest mom ever

You would remember days spent at the park, the zoo, the library

I was never going to be too tired

If I had made half the outfits I planned on sewing you - there wouldn't have been enough days in the year to wear them all

You would always know how smart and amazing you are

There were going to be many days we made cookies together

I was never going to be impatient

I would listen twice as much as I talked

I was never going to be cross

There were always going to be crayons and playdough

There were going to be lots of games

Everything you drew would be a masterpiece and carefully preserved

I would never be too busy

Music and laughter would always fill the air

I would dry your tears, not be the cause of them

I would never forget how precious you are

I would never forget to thank God every day for you

I would never wish you would just grow up

You would never doubt how much I love you

I would have sung to you - every day.

~i~ Aiden - November 7th, 1995 ~i~

Monday Quote

2009-11-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

I think I chose this one because I started a new diet . . .

The worst education which teaches self-denial, is better than the best which teaches everything else, and not that.
John Sterling

A diet is definitely a miserable education in self-denial . . . particularly the day after Halloween.

Whoops! Monday Quote Tardy!

2009-10-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

This one is ripe for interpretation and introspection . . . .

"Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only." ~Samuel Butler, Erewhon

Monday Quote

2009-10-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

I always liked Edgar Allen Poe.

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity."

October 15th - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2009-10-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Always Remembered

~i~ ~i~ ~i~ ~i~ ~i~ ~i~ ~i~

Monday Quote

2009-10-12T12:07:00.001-07:00

I've always been a collector of quotes, thoughts, etc. I'd find them in books or even carved into desks at schools I visited for band/choir competitions. This one I found in such a place - carved into the top of an old wooden desk at a school I didn't attend. At 16 it struck me enough that I copied it down and even today at the age of 40 (almost 41 - just another month!) it still hits me on many levels.

"Just when life becomes a habit I barely notice, I meet you, of all people."
unknown

Have you ever felt like this? Life just the same old, same old and then someone happens along and things just aren't the same again?

Monday Quote

2009-10-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I've seen other people do this on their blogs and thought it might help me get back into the swing of posting more frequently. At the very least - maybe it might spur some discourse or other thoughts worthy of blog posts.

So, today's quote:

Horace Walpole - "Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel."

I liked this, it touched me on a interesting level as I consider myself both a thinking and feeling person. I find that if I can laugh about a situation- whether the irony or just the ridiculousness of it all, then maybe it is not so bad that I can't survive it.

What are your thoughts? How do you cope with tragedy or life events? By thinking through them or feeling your way through them?

Fourteen Years

2009-09-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

"If I knew I would have a terrible accident, would I live my life trying to avoid it? Would I lock myself inside a room being safe? Or would I go outside and live day by day?" Emily in "Breathless" by Lurlene McDaniel.

~i~Hannah~i~ September 20th, 1995

A Year Later in the Brave New World

2009-09-16T11:20:00.001-07:00

It has been a year since my hysterectomy - an interesting year, swapping whatever was left of my fertility for a lot less pain, a lot less mess and hopefully better overall wellbeing. All is well there - some emotional blips now and then, bellies and newborns do make me take pause sometimes, but I'm good with how things are for the most part. Forty, on the other hand - is kicking my fanny. Kicking it but good. My wishes for this anniversary and my birthday in 2 months, that 41 will be a bit kinder to me - that I can get my brain back, cultivate whatever is left of my creativity and maybe reclaim some greater flexibility since I no longer have an excuse for "taking it easy" post-surgery. Who knows - the person whose physical exercise philosophy has always been "I don't run unless something is chasing me" may actually take up running. Or Yoga. I do a mean "dead man's" pose . . .

September 11th

2009-09-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

Little Girl Lost

2009-08-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I've been through the various stages of grief numerous times and eventually I ended up with acceptance. Acceptance that in my life's history there are just some things that were tragic and awful and really really painful on all levels and that I did not know how or if I could survive. Acceptance that despite how much sometimes it hurt, I could still go on living. Could laugh again and smile again - and that it was okay to laugh and smile again. Still, despite all that acceptance and time, I find myself wondering at times what she would have been like. What it would have been like to have never lost the sight or sound of her heartbeat. Wonder how differently life would be today if only . . .

For my Carena whom I will not know in this life, but hopefully in the next, and remembering always with love, another little girl and her mother, with whom we share this bittersweet bond of little girl lost . . .

August 7, 1998

Even Superheroes Feel Silly Sometimes . . .

2009-06-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Despite my insistance that it is a superhero mask - wearing this eye mask actually just leaves me feeling a bit on the dorky side. It really does help with the achy sinuses though and the fact that I am prone to a bit of swelling still.

The cherry to this sundae was the infection I started coming down with by Monday evening and now I am taking antibiotics for that.

Really anxious for things to recover more so I can see if this sinus surgery is going to make the difference I hope it will or not. For now though, I am taking as many afternoon naps as I can . . .

Show & Tell - June 7th

2009-06-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

This is what Sinus Surgery gets you:

(The peppermints are to help with the nasty taste of all those sprays running down the back of your throat - yuck!)

I found this to be quite useful in soothing some of the residual aches following sinus surgery:

This is my Super Hero mask. Wish I looked as cool as Batman in it!

This is what Vicodin induced creativity gets you:

I found the irony of making a rabbit pendant while in a drug induced haze for my daughter rather funny. (Anyone into Jefferson Starship??) Probably funnier than I would have without the Vicodin.

For those of you who are into gratuitous flower shots:

For more Show and Tell, just follow your way down the Rabbit Hole.

You Never Forget Your First

2009-06-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Original posting date:

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Doctor . . .

Seemed like such a simple task - provide child one with a sibling. Now that we had things figured out - or so we thought, getting pregnant again should not be so difficult, right? Well - getting pregnant again actually wasn't so hard this time - one cycle of clomid was all it took and I was staring at my second positive pregnancy test just when child one turned one. Mostly I was concerned I would be horribly sick again, the first week started off only mildly queasy. The second week after the positive test was the same. Halfway into the third week - disaster struck. No queasiness, but a low crampy ache that wouldn't let up. You know that miscarriages happen - you know that sometimes a pregnancy starts and doesn't end the right way. I had friends who had miscarriages. Somehow I guess I figured that having to take fertility drugs to conceive somehow gave me a pass on this - couldn't have more bad luck right? I knew that most women would experience at least one miscarriage over the course of their life - still this did not prepare me. Knowing it happens and then having to face it happening to you are two different things. There are no handbooks, no "how to" guides for having and coping with the loss of a pregnancy. Any of the help given by your health care provider will follow more along the lines of practical care meant to safeguard you from any complications. My personal opinion is - the miscarriage is already a complication. My doctor at the time was not completely convinced I was having a miscarriage initially. (Well if he was going to see me before 10 weeks he would have been able to verify it for himself) At the office he essentially told me to treat it like a "hard period" and not worry about it. Gave me the usual list of watch-for's and sent me on my way. At home I was stumped. I had no idea how to act, how to feel, how to grieve or even if I should/could grieve. So, being a bit of a pragmatist, I decided that these things happen and life goes on and I would simply get pregnant again (ha ha - right; though at the time, I thought I had all the answers or at least knew the "trick"). I had my one statistical miscarriage and so it wouldn't happen again. There was however, an ache in my heart - the tiniest handprint of something that I couldn't quite place a finger on and I could never fully wipe away.

Angel Zach 6/95

Show & Tell - May 30th

2009-05-30T17:23:00.001-07:00

A proliferation of Asiatic Lilies . . .

With more to come in hues of apricot and palest pink . . .

The sight that thrilled me most alongside the feast of Lilies - first rose . . .

The bushes need some organic mulch - too much rain lately, so there are some spots on the petals. I can hardly wait for more to bloom - this one's fragrance was quite heady even by itself and even not full out open.

All these blooms leave me to heave a contented sigh . . .

For more of what the class has brought, see here.