Achieving Me

Today I ran

2009-11-16T18:41:00.003+11:00

I ran today for the first time in about 10 months. I ran about 3kms.

I was slow and tired and heavy footed, but it felt good. Really good. My aim is to get my butt out there 3 times a week, I think that's doable.

After going through some emotional and friendship cleansing (yes, more!) over the past couple of months, I all of a sudden have more "me" time. I was giving my time to people who just didn't appreciate or deserve it. So I'm giving that time back to me. I deserve that.

I am saddened that another couple of friendships of mine deteriorated to the point where I had to walk away to protect myself, but while that was happening before my eyes, a friend from my college and University days reappeared. And was able to articulate what she wanted in a friendship. Which was just what I want from my friends.

Its funny how life ebbs and flows.

Spooked

2009-10-28T20:40:00.006+11:00

I saw a ghost on the weekend.

I had a good evening out for a friend's birthday dancing at my favourite nightclub. Favourite because they have awesome DJ's and a strict gay and gay friendly patron policy which means I don't have to worry about being hit on by the men there (they're not even looking at me! LOL!). And, I've found I'm not a typical gay women's cup of tea either. When I go there I'm left to enjoy myself and my time with my friends and I'm not be questioned by complete strangers about why I'm "out without my husband".

I was walking from the nightclub to my car, a short distance, on my own. I was heading home for the night, it was around 2am on Sunday morning.

As I saw him, I thought to myself do I stop and say hi, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see him? I stopped and said hi. He replied saying "Wow, its been like 5 years, right?" "Yeah about that, or maybe even longer", I said.

We exchanged awkward chit chat for a little while and he asked me what was new. I replied flashing him my wedding and engagement rings and said "I'm married!". He was speechless, which took me by surprise. I tried changing the subject and he didn't say anything, and just looked at me blankly. So I said "I'm going, sorry, this is too awkward". He said "No, no, don't, sorry. You just told me you're married, you have to give me two seconds to process that".

We chatted a little more, I told him that I thought of him from time to time, but that I didn't expect to see him again after he moved so far away after the horrible, painful way things had ended up between us. I gave him a hug and said good bye, he looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy. "I am, yes" I replied. "Are you?". "As happy as I can be" he said and then told me to take care.

And I walked away and drove home.

I honestly didn't expect to ever see him again. He wasn't a "nightlife/clubbing" kind of person AT ALL when we knew each other, so seeing him in those circumstances was very odd. It was his different-ness that attracted me to him all those years ago--he was wearing suit pants and a matching tailored vest over a long sleeved shirt, clothes you wouldn't normally see on a 27 year old man. And I certainly didn't expect to see him back in town. That said, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel if I did see him. Before he walked out of my life, even a text message or email from him would make my heart flutter. He had sole possession of me. I gave all I was to him. He ruled me and I made some huge mistakes in my past because of the obsession I had with him.

But seeing him was finite and absolute closure on all of that. He didn't look the same, sound the same, look at me that same or ignite any kind of fire inside me the way he used to. I was just chatting to some one I used to know and who was important to me in a life gone by.

I got home and got into bed with my husband and whispered in his ear "I love you" as I pulled him in close to me. I fell asleep feeling lucky, happy and like a chapter of my life I never thought would be closed, firmly, firmly shut.

Why blog?

2009-09-27T17:09:00.005+10:00

I've been thinking over the last couple of weeks about whether I want to start a new blog or not. Or if I want to blog at all.

I began my first blog in 2003 after seeing an article in a Cosmo or Cleo magazine about the "blog craze" that was taking over the internet. I'd never even heard of a weblog and was incredibly intrigued. After reading a few "diary" type blogs over a couple of weeks I decided to start my own. At the time I was a troubled 25 year old woman with a sense of direction stupidly skewed by a desperate and all encompassing unrequited love. A woman who was doing things that I was most definitely not proud of. Things that I didn't and couldn't speak to anyone about. Looking back even now I'm absolutely ashamed of what I was doing. It all ended with big dramatic fireworks and three broken hearts just a matter of weeks before I began my first blog in a very Sex and the Cityish way--much like when Natasha finds out that Carrie is sleeping with Big. So yeah. And I found it SO comforting to have this place where I could have those conversations with myself that I couldn't possibly imagine ever having with another person. Of course, having a blog didn't automatically turn off the "foolish" switch in my head, but it gave me a little perspective over time. Especially on my drinking and the toxic personal situations I repeatedly allowed myself to be a part of.

And once husband I were together, and that blog, through which we met each other (crazy huh!?) had served its purpose, I moved on. All in all, I've had 4 blogs and each one of them has ended up being a pretty raw account of my feelings over time, even if I never intended it to be, like here.

I was thinking this afternoon about why I no longer feel compelled to blog like I used to. Maybe its that I can keep my secrets inside now with out them eating away at me the way they used to because they aren't these terrible awful damaging ridiculous things blackening my heart. Maybe I can have those conversations out loud and full of honesty with other people now. Whatever it is, I do some what miss having that place to purge and whine and grin and ponder. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still thinking, so watch this space....

Life sucks

2009-09-16T21:55:00.003+10:00

My grandfather had a stroke tonight. My mother and her siblings may never see him again, and because of that my heart is aching.

Everything else that seemed so huge today pales in significance.

Long time no post....

2009-09-05T19:20:00.004+10:00

I've had a couple of people contact me via other avenues asking how I'm doing and why I'm not blogging any more.

An unbelievable amount has changed in my life over the past several months.

After husband and I returned from our holiday overseas, I was ready to pack up and leave him. Leave our marriage. I felt tired and empty and like I was just banging my head against the same wall over and over. He told me he wasn't going to let that happen and has been fighting for me since then. We're connecting on a new level, one based on honesty and on sharing raw feelings as they come up. No more running from that for us.

Another couple of people close to me disappointed me. One lied and lied and lied, and denied it when she was caught out and the other just behaved like a spoilt selfish self entitled child. People never cease to amaze me.

I don't know that I will be updating here all that often anymore. I started this blog to document my weightloss journey with my band and it ended up being a whole lot more than that. I'm not quite sure I want for this particular blog to take the path that it was leading to.

Should I start a new blog, I'll link to the url.

Stay safe, well and loved.

I'm alive

2009-07-15T21:20:00.003+10:00

Lots has happened since I last posted. Both good and bad.

But I'm alive, and I'm getting by.

My next post will probably be after I return from hubby and I's jaunt overseas next week.

Stay safe and well, and I'll do the same.

Adjusting

2009-06-21T22:18:00.003+10:00

I've been trying to tell myself these past few weeks that I am ok with change. That I am older and more able to adjust to people coming in and out of my life. And that the ebbs and flows of friendships and relationships are simply out of my control. That I should just deal with what is happening and let things be how they will--surrender to the universe if you will.

But the truth is, I am tiring of it. I am growing so weary of my friendship and time and love not being enough in the end. I find myself analysing my behaviour around and around. And then around once more for good measure.

I have yet to find a common thread in why I continually end up here. Why I form what I consider to be strong bonds with people, friendships that I depend on and cherish and hunger, only to have them dissolve without any visible reason why.

I wonder if it is me. If I am too needy, too gregarious, too something. After all, I am the common denominator in each scenario.

And its funny, you know, that while I am feeling this way, slightly abandoned and distant, for the first time in a long time I am not compelled to drink to have a moments solitude from it. I have consciously noticed this. And it is new territory for me to not seek some kind of escape.

I am 5 weeks into my new non smoking life. Husband and I celebrated a milestone during the week. I'm considering applying for a promotion. Things are keeping on moving on, but this one merry go round, I can't seem to escape.

Family ties

2009-06-10T20:01:00.003+10:00

Ugh is all I can say right now.

That ugly monster of expecting people to treat me with respect and treat me the way I treat them is rearing its head again.

I love my family. So incredibly. But that doesn't mean I will let them treat me like a punching bag or let them take advantage of me or expect me to lie for them and cover up the fact that they are behaving appallingly. That just doesn't fly with me.

And I told my sister so today. The line between sisters and friends has been skewed more and more over the past few months with the two of us. There are some things you just don't want to know about your siblings.

I predict that there might be an obvious distance between her and I for some time, but I will welcome the time for us to redevelop our lives apart from each other.

Its sad, but it had to happen. We couldn't go on the way things were.

Yeah so......

2009-06-03T22:48:00.001+10:00

Whatever.

I am SO over this.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO over it.

Putting it out there in the universe....

2009-06-02T15:33:00.003+10:00

I'm putting this out in the universe because I'm not sure if actually sending it would solve anything, but I need some kind of closure on it all....so I'll think about it for a while..

I wasn't going to reply to your email but I thought if I did, you'd know why I no longer want to be in contact with you and might leave me alone.

You made big promises to me when we started being in contact again about making it up to me for what happened in the past and being a proper friend to me. I understand now that you and ***** were in the process of splitting up, but one would think that would be when you'd need your friends most. Apparently not.

It became all to obvious that I was simply a distraction for you for a little while and then you moved on when you got a better offer. Thats fair enough, you're single now and have every right to be out there playing the field and not wasting your time hanging out with me.

I however, don't want to just always be the back up plan. It seems thats all I have ever been to you--some one to spend a few months with and then you all but completely disappear without any notice. While you said you wanted for us to be friends, we could never actually BE friends because of all the other stuff that was happening and because you never wanted to admit to anyone that we were spending time together again--I never did understand why that was because I had no shame in telling people we were. I've never regretted something the way I regret what happened with you and I last year and how I let you in AGAIN. It was stupid and toxic and I wish that I could undo it. But I can't, so all I can to do is walk away and not put myself in a position to be hurt by you like that again.

This was the last chance for you to do the right thing by me and you couldn't for what ever reason. So lets just go our separate ways once and for all.

Back on the horse

2009-06-01T20:01:00.003+10:00

Well what do you know--I went back to the gym today!

I only managed a 10 minute run, 15 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the elliptical, but damnit, its a start!

How could I have forgotten how wonderful running makes me feel. I really do love it. And a friend told me today the 10km fun run I've done the last 2 years is in September--I've got plenty of time to get my pace and fitness up to a decent rate by then!

I'll be back there tomorrow. Bring it on!

Still sick....but...

2009-05-26T18:00:00.004+10:00

I'm still sick, my 3 week long cold finally turned into a bacterial and viral infection. Oh the joy.

Lots has been going on, but I've been tired and uninspired to write lately. I've become one of those bloggers that I dislike--that you check back on day after day and they haven't updated. I suck. Blah.

But! I am on day 9 of not smoking. The first 4 days or so were absolute hell. But I don't even crave it now. I knew once I broke the routine around having a cigarette, the rest would be a breeze. So yeah, looks like I've kicked it. Which places a fair chunk of money a week back in my pocket.....maybe I should go get those patent leather mary janes I spotted in the store today....

Day two...

2009-05-19T21:35:00.004+10:00

...and I still feel like rubbish.

I feel weepy and depressed.

And while I know that the stopping smoking is a contributing factor, things in my life are shifting before me and I can see what is coming my way. And while I don't like it, I know enough to know I can't change it. I can't change other people. I can't help it if I have served my purpose for people and they want to move on.

Life goes on.

I don't remember it being like this last time

2009-05-18T21:22:00.005+10:00

I decided over the weekend that I was going to quit smoking today. I had planned to quit on July 1st but thought over the weekend--"what am I waiting for?".

I'm using nicotine patches. Today is day one.

I abused my husband in the grocery store, the car park and the drive way tonight after we got home from dinner.

I feel physically unwell. I have an urge to have a cigarette stronger than any physical, mental, emotional need I can remember in recent times.

I must have been fucking insane to start smoking again so I had to go through this all over again.

I want to go to bed and not get up for a month. I don't want to talk to people, go to work. Or do anything.

This is fucking bullshit. I hate my addict self. So much right now.

Reality check

2009-05-17T20:19:00.008+10:00

Tonight husband and I were sitting on the couch in our pyjamas, on our laptops, watching Masterchef as we are want to do, when we heard a knock on the door. No one ever knocks on our door unexpected. Ever.

Husband answered the door to find Mr Neighbour on the doorstep. "Can I use your phone, please?" he asked. I welcomed him inside and told him he was welcome to use my new iphone that I was synching at the time. "Is everything ok?" I asked. "Ms Neighbour hasn't been home all day and I don't know where she is" he said. "We only have one phone and she has it".

He walked into our house, looking around at our lounge room. At our leather couch and ridiculously huge sony bravia LCD TV and our matching dark wood furniture. I had cleaned yesterday, so it was more tidy than usual. "Wooooow" he said looking around as I handed him my iphone.

He called her and asked her to bring some milk home for their eldest son who is 4 years old. He said their son was ready to go to bed and he didn't want to put him to bed with out some milk. She must have asked who's phone he was calling from because he said "the neighbours". He thanked me, I told him he was welcome and then he left.

I have been next door to chat to them about some troubles we both had with some other neighbours in the past little while. They have 3 kids under 4 and are only 22 years old themselves. She doesn't work, and he is an apprectice boilermaker. Their house was messy (because of the kids!) and full of miss matched furniture probably inherited from family and friends.

I started out like that when I moved out on my own at 23 after finishing university. Albeit I didn't have kids to take care of and my income was my own, but I struggled for those first few years to acquire "beautiful things" because of my limited salary. However, I have been very fortunate to have the success in my career I have and reached the management level I did with the generous benefits and handsome bonuses (until this year when they revoked them...grrrr!) at such an early stage of my career.

It only takes a few moments in time like tonight to realise how fortunate husband and I really are. We have a lovely home. New cars, computers, technology, beautiful furniture and a house full of stuff that is really something to be proud of having worked for. While I, and then my husband after we got together, have worked hard for what we have, it is fragments of time like tonight that make me appreciate the opportunities we have had and the life we have built together. While I am sure that Mr and Ms Neighbour love their kids and appreciate what they have also, tonight was a reality check for me.

A big one.

Again, I need to remember that I am a very lucky, very rewarded and sometimes spoilt woman.

This is all I've got right now...

2009-05-15T10:29:00.006+10:00

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
Hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Black.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes, absolutely.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Every day, I'm weird like that.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Sick, still. Bored.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
My phone.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I was arrested by the police for possession of cocaine.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
No.

9. What are you craving right now?
I want to be desired.

10. Do you floss?
Nearly every day.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Coleslaw.

12. Are you emotional?
Sometimes.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Not that I can recall.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I eat it with a spoon.

15. Do you like your hair?
Yeah, a lot right now.

16. Do you like yourself?
Some days.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Sure, it'd be interesting.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The people around me working/talking/typing.

19. Are your parents strict?
No they were pretty cool, actually.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Not interested.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yep, straight out of the tub.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
No one ridiculously famous.

23. Do you rent movies often?
Not really. I just watch my favourites from my DVD collection over and over.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
My wedding and engagement rings.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Four.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Yeah.

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes.

28. Brown or white eggs?
Brown is all we get here.

29.Do you have a cell phone?
Of course.

30. Do you use chapstick?
Every day.

31. Do you own a gun?
Hell no.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yep, it’s the only way to eat sushi.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Friends, and then my husband.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Yes and it gets me hurt time and time again.

35. Ever been in love?
Twice.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
No.

38. Last time you cried?
Last week, or was it the week before…..?

39. What was the last question you asked?
Can I have a chocolate? LOL

40. Favorite time of the year?
When Spring turns into Summer.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No.

42. Are you sarcastic?
HAHAHAHA…noooooooooooo. LOL

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
The movie? Yes I think I have.

44. Have you ever walked into a wall?
Yeah.

45. Favorite color?
Black, silver, gold.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes, an ex after he told me he cheated on me.

47. Is your hair curly?
Naturally wavy.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Dido.

49. Do looks matter?
Unfortunately yes.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I have done, but probably wouldn't again.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
It has been lately.

52. Do you like your life right now?
Parts of it.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. It has to be pitch black and completely silent.

54. Can you handle the truth?
I try my best to.

55. Do you have good vision?
Yeah, with the exception of having astigmatism.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Dislike? Yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Most days.

58. The last person you held hands with?
My husband last night before we fell alseep.

59. What are you wearing?
Jeans, top, jacket, boots.

60. What are your favorite top 3 animals?
Alpacas, dogs, monkeys.

61. Where was your default picture taken?
Of what? Facebook? At a party.

62. Can you hula hoop?
Not well.

63. Do you have a job?
Yes.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
A chocolate!

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
LOL yes. An ex locked us outside his house one night and I was the only one who'd fit through the window. Good times!

Plodding along

2009-05-06T13:39:00.006+10:00

I am sick again. I've had a cold that just won't seem to budge for over a week now. A day on the couch today will hopefully give my body the time to rest and recover.

I got on the scales for the first time in I can't remember how long the other day. I've gained another couple of kilos. I have felt more motivation lately to get back to the gym. I haven't actually been but the hardest part of it is getting myself there and changing my routine to include it in my day. I feel optimistic now that its getting colder that I will get back there sooner rather than later. For some reason getting hot doing intense cardio is more appealing to me when I don't have to sit on the bus on the way home sweating like a pig in the summer heat.

Not much more to say. My heart is still sad about the loss of some people I care about in my life, but what they say is true--time heals all wounds, so I'll give myself time to grieve. What I do know is that I have a fabulous, amazing, wonderful husband and incredible friends who support me through all the rubbish that goes on. So while I am sad, I am also very aware that I am very, very lucky.

I feel...

2009-05-02T09:37:00.002+10:00

I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel sad.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel empty, quiet and broken.

I feel like I ruined something wonderful and that I will never get that back.

And my god, how I ache to have it back.

Life is good

2009-04-26T14:44:00.004+10:00

Yep. Life is good.

Of late its been a bit like sailing across an ocean though. At times, peaceful and calm. Yet at others, rocky and unable to anticipate.

Recently I met a new friend. A person who I have a ridiculous amount in common with and who just seems to "get" me. We make each other laugh, we have fun together, we respect each other. I appreciate having this person--he is a wonderful soul.

However, I recently I had another friend break my heart. It was the umpteenth time I have given them a chance in the 17 years we've known each other, and this last time was finally the straw that broke the camels back. They made a promise to me to make up for all their wrongdoings in the past, and never even came close to doing that.

At almost 31 years of age, I've come to learn that people don't always treat you the way that you expect them to. They don't always give of themselves what you give them. They won't always respect you, care for you or worry for you if you are in need.

And so, while it hurt SO very much to let go of this person who has been in my life for more than half of it, it was what I needed to do to be who I am. As some one told me the other day "I like that you are who you are, you don't bullshit, you don't try to be some one or anything that you're not. You're you, and thats pretty fantastic". I like being me--I just don't have the energy to be anyone else. I like having friends I can depend on. Friends I can call on. Friends who know the right thing to say at the right time because they know me and care about me.

Relationships of any kind are hard. They take patience and commitment and time. I feel so blessed to have the people I do at home, and the people I know online who are there for me. I appreciate each and everyone of them.

Life is good.

Don't U Eva - Sarah Blasko

2009-04-21T08:31:00.000+10:00

Do you think...

2009-04-15T17:39:00.000+10:00

...its possible to be addicted to a person?

Discuss.

Once upon a time....

2009-04-06T21:00:00.010+10:00

There was a boy and a girl.....

The boy lived a long way away. He had a simple life. He lived with his father, had few friends, worked hard and long hours and his only prized possession was his beautiful silver car that he paid for with his own hard earned money. One day, the boy feel deeply and crazily in love with a woman. A woman who took advantage of him, his life, his car, his generosity, for several years. He gave all he could to her for as long as he could. Finally one day he told her he loved her. He asked her if she loved him.

She said she did not. She said she never would.

The boy went home to the empty house he lived in with his father and felt the most painful despair possible. He cried and felt empty and desperate to escape the pain. So he went the garage and picked up a bottle of antifreeze and drank it. Drank it down fast, it tasted bad and it burned his throat and his stomach but he drank it anyway. He felt weak and then he was gone. The world was black and calm and peaceful for the first time in years.

The boy's father came home from work, early, which was a rare occurrence. He saw the boys car in the driveway home earlier than he should have been as he pulled up in his truck. He searched the house high and low for the boy knowing that he had been feeling down over the last couple of weeks. When he went into the garage, as a final resort in his search, he found the boy on the floor, cold, blue and with barely a heartbeat. The boy was rushed to hospital. He was in a coma for days. He was admitted to the psychiatric ward for several weeks and was grilled by the psychologists about his actions. He gave them nothing and was eventually allowed to go home.

Shortly after, the boy started a weblog.

The girl also had a rough period. Chronic drinking became her friend, respite and darkness after being dumped by the final of a series of men who abused her, cheated on her and lied to her, amongst other things. Her best friend, who she had been inseparable from for 4 years left her when she asked for help, never to be heard from again (even to this day). After a year of self abuse and harm in any way possible she stopped drinking, smoking, doing drugs and went on poorly prescribed anti-depressants. She wanted to be well again. She had forgotten what "well" felt like. She had lost focus and was scared of how she was going to get through the future. Because in all of this, she had forgotten what it was like to be loved.

She felt numb and detached from everyone and everything. She functioned at the lowest level possible to keep the facade of being normal--going to work, going through the motions in trying to relate to her family. She was lonely, sober and had no direction, no real friends, her family were her only support. She was lost. So she did the only thing that had ever helped in the past. She wrote.

So she started a weblog.

One random night, months down the line, the boy randomly clicked the "next random blog" button on the blog server that they both used and stumbled into the girls blog. He read and read and read and he had so many questions about what she had written, about her perspective, her experiences, about her life. She was so different from him but he felt a connection to what she was feeling. So he commented on her last post. The girl read his comment and then began reading his blog in return.

Back and forth they communicated via their blogs, then email, then chat. Eventually, the boy and girl were in contact every day for hours and hours. They stayed up late and got up early to be in contact and yearned for the next minute they would have together whenever they were unable to be in contact.

After months of contact the boy went to visit the girl in the far away, foreign place. He was there for 10 weeks. The best, most passionate, emotional, confronting, scary 10 weeks of both of their lives. They fell in love despite the obstacles. 6 weeks after the boy arrived they were engaged to be married.

They married almost 2 years ago and are still together, in love, despite the odds against them.

Boy, sometimes I forget the things you went through to bring you to me. Sometimes I forget how fragile we both were and how we saved each other from ourselves. Sometimes I forget that you are the puzzle piece that fits perfectly next to me, the spoon in my cuddle, the cheese with my wine. You are all I need.

Je T 'aime Plus Qu' Hier Moins, Que Demain (I love you more than yesterday, less than tomorrow - I bought this saying this week to put up on our living room wall).

I love you today more than ever. Thank you for being you.

A million little pieces

2009-03-26T20:11:00.007+11:00

This week I've started reading for the second time one of my favourite books--A million little pieces by James Frey.

Despite the bru-ha-ha that surrounded the book when Oprah put it in her book club and then revealed that it was not a memoir as claimed, but a significant fabrication of the truth, I was still compelled to read it when I became aware of it.

The first time I read it was in early 2006 when I was in early "recovery" and was sober for the first time in years for the following 14 months. At the time, I lived alone and devoured the book in a week, passing up TV and climbing into bed early to turn page after page of the book which at the time resonated so strongly with me. While I had no criminal record (I probably should have for some of my behaviour at the time, but thats a whole other story), hadn't been quite to the same hell as James and was only addicted to alcohol, the story sat with me. I cried myself to sleep some nights, happy that I wasn't alone in the pain, uncertainty and recovery I was experiencing. And at that time, that was enough to get me through the next little when when I didn't know if I would make it through the next day without needing an escape. But, in time, the clarity and peace I felt and the people that I loved saw me through the rest.

This time reading the book I am doing so with a different perspective. Somehow and for some reason, I have been able to control my drinking in the last little while. And its not been by any conscious attempt, that I know for sure. But I can't remember the last time I was messy, obnoxious, stupid drunk. When I am out with friends, I am usually the voice of reason in arranging a taxi home at a decent hour after alternating alcoholic drinks with non alcoholic drinks while we are out. I meet new people, but I don't act in an irratic and wild manner in the way I did a few years ago. If I drink at home on the rare occasion I do these days, I have a couple of glasses of wine and then spend time with my husband watching TV, talking and catching up with friends online. Its not all or nothing anymore. There appears to be a habit of a happy medium forming out of no where. I never ever thought that would be possible for me.

Maybe maturity, responsibility and perspective play a part in this. Maybe its the knowledge of being back there and the damage that a life like the one I had back then can do to me and the life I have built that sways me. Perhaps. But whatever it is, I am grateful for the reprieve from a repeat of my troubled past that was so controlled by the hunger for escape. And I am grateful for those others who share their stories so that people like myself can feel less alone when we need it most.

I am very grateful, and life is good.

Broken

2009-03-25T21:57:00.004+11:00

Tonight I watched one of my best friends hearts breaking in front of me.

All I could do is sit there and listen. And be there.

I wanted to gather up the pieces of her heart and put them back together with the strongest glue or tape or staples or bandages I could find.

But none were at hand.

So I listened and offered advice. And I was reminded of the times in my addictions, in my hardest, most difficult moments that I have had glimmers of silence and hoped that in time, she would find them too. I had no advice back then and I hoped my words would be something for her now. Not everything, but something.

I wish her peace and closure. I wish for her heart to be whole again.

Getting older every day

2009-03-22T17:54:00.008+11:00

Over the last little while I have been noticing middle aged and older women on the bus on the way to and from work.

I've noticed the effects of time and age on what I can only assume were once smooth, youthful faces. The lines, wrinkles, jowls, veins. Bags under their eyes that cannot be disguised, and sun spots which are a regular occurrence on older women in this country.

I have never been afraid of an approaching birthday. In fact I was quite excited about turning 30 last year and in the past 6 months have felt more like myself than I ever have before. I recall reading recently that a just-turned-40 celebrity had said in an interview that she was the best she had ever been. That being 40 was wonderful because she had 4 decades of life and experiences behind her to guide her and make her feel centred.

I don't so much mind what my age is--I do just think its a number and I'm regularly mistaken for some one 3 or 4 years younger than I am. But I am slowly developing a fear of what the ravages of the aging process will be for me. My body is already imperfect after my weight loss and I can deal with that, clothes cover up a multitude of sins. But my face? I just don't know.

I may be vain for feeling this way but right now its scaring the beejezus out of me. I just want to look 30 forever....