Testimonies of Ex-Christians

Pi: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795…

2008-05-09T22:36:00.001-05:00

Sent in by Tim B

My childhood was a fairly typical one as far as growing up goes. My parents were hard working middle class folks who weren’t particularly religious. For a time, we did attend an Anglican church where I was able to dress up as a camel for the Christmas pageant or go to the annual church picnic for lots of candy and games. My parents told me that when I was confirmed into the church, I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to keep going or not. I looked forward to my Confirmation with glee, knowing I could finally sleep in on Sunday mornings and never go to stupid, boring church again. And that’s what I did.

Then, a few years later, I went to University to study theater arts (I wanted to be a movie star at the time lol). When I got there I started to have a lot of fun doing drugs, dating girls and partying as hard as I could. One of my friends there was a Christian, and he enjoyed partying as much as I did. We became very good friends and ended up as roommates. We quickly earned the reputation of being the crazy dudes who liked to have a lot of fun – and we did.

But of course, his Christianity came up here and there and I began to read the bible a bit, and we would get stoned and have long conversations on god and the meaning of life. To make a long story short, one day I woke up and had a god experience. I felt that god was telling me to stop what I was doing and start to live a godly life. So I went on a truth crusade and basically abandoned all my friends (except my Christian friend) and started over from scratch. I started going to a Pentecostal church in my neighborhood (because they served free food to starving students) and I got a job at a Christian organization. I also got engaged to my friend’s ex-girlfriend (another long story) and almost overnight I was living a very fulfilling charismatic Christian life.

Of course I went nuts buying bibles for my family and telling them they were going to hell if they didn’t repent like me. I got very involved in the “Drama Ministry” at church and basically was engulfed in the Christian life with absolutely no non-Christian friends at all. I got married and my wife and I were happy little Christians living to please God in all that we did.

This went on for ten years. We have moved twice since attending that church (Pentecostal) and have been active members in two other churches, one being a Christian Missionary Alliance and the most recent being Christian Reformed. We both taught the Alpha bible study program and we both lead small groups. We attended retreats, we were baptized publicly (full immersion and in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Smoke), and we both received the gift of tongues. We were avid prayer group attendees, we helped out around the church with odd jobs, and we loved our friends there. I was very much into studying the word of god and I particularly loved Christian history and the early church fathers.

I listened to Hank Haanegraf, Charles Stanley, Ravi Zacharias and a slew of others. I was very much against the prosperity teachings of Kenneth Copeland, Joyce Meyers, Creflo Dollar and the doofus – Benny Hinn (although I did have friends who loved these guys). I was, for all intents and purposes, a Christian Apologist who was eager to tell the world how to get to heaven. My big frustration in life was that I had never “saved” anyone.

Then one day, last October (2007), I was on a forum that discussed god vs. everything else. Being the smart godly dude that I was, I enjoyed ranting about the sinful nature of man and the righteousness of the church. I read a post that talked about the bible and the value of Pi. I was intrigued and so I immediately looked up the passage. It was there in 1 Kings 7:23 that my life changed forever.

“23Now he made the sea of cast metal ten cubits from brim to brim, circular in form, and its height was five cubits, and thirty cubits in circumference. “ (NASB).

When I read it, I felt like there was a glass bubble that surrounded my brain and in an instant, the bubble was shattered into a million pieces. I was literally dumbfounded. I had found an error in the holy, perfect, inerrant word of god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In that instant, every argument I had ever had for the reality, perfection and truthfulness of god’s word was destroyed. God made a mistake. Not just a minor spelling mistake or textual mistranslation. This was MAJOR! God’s word said that Pi 3!!??!!.

For anyone who is interested, here is a link that explains Pi:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pi

The value of Pi is approximately 3.1415926535897932384626433832795…on to infinity. It is an irrational number and mathematicians are still to this day calculating its size – so far it’s decimal translation has never repeated itself.

Once the bubble had burst, my eyes were finally opened. “Something like scales fell from my eyes!” 

I began to study all about the errors in the bible (which there are MANYMANYMANY!!!). I could not believe how stupid and foolish I was to have believed all this crap, not knowing it was all a lie! How many debates did I have with non-Christians (who I now call humans) about the smallest detail of Christ’s ministry? AARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!. For the first week I was in utter shock. I told no one – not even my beautiful god-fearing wife. We had a 4 year old and one on the way. My wife was actually 7 months pregnant at the time. How could I tell her??? I would drive past churches and give them the finger and curse at their stupidity. I would curse myself for being such an idiot, and then I would laugh out loud at my new found freedom. I was FREE! Free from dogma. Free from the law. Free from grace. Free from HELL and free from Heaven! Free from ever feeling guilty for thinking a bad thought ever again! Free from having to convince my family that Jesus was the only way to heaven. Free from giving away 10% of my income every week! And most of all, I was free to sleep in on Sunday for the rest of my life!

I was going to wait till after the baby was born and after Christmas to tell my wife that she was now unequally yoked to a godless heathen, but my gut was in knots and my head was dizzy with all the “shock and awe” I was experiencing. So about two weeks later, I sat her down to have a bible study. In that study I went through ten pages of errors, inconsistencies and false prophesies in the bible to show her that it was not the inerrant word of god, but a human book that borrowed and stole bits and pieces of other cultures and their gods. At the end of the study, she thought I was insane and told me I needed to see a psychiatrist. Again, I really suck at convincing people to believe the same things I believe.

Over the course of the next two weeks, she began to study the bible on her own and really ask the hard questions. She had a lengthy discourse with a pastor friend of ours and was not getting the answers she was looking for. In the end, she came to the realization that the bible wasn’t 100% true and that Jesus was not god. Our marriage was saved, which is a good thing because I really love her and our children.

So I called my pastor to tell him that I could no longer direct the Christmas play or lead the drama ministry or lead small group, or believe in anything the bible had to say. We met to have a face to face talk, and I explained very honestly what happened. He was pretty much speechless. He had some words of advice, prayed for me and made plans to meet again. I have not heard from him since, and we have not been back to church since. We still talk to friends who go there and have no animosity towards anyone.

I am now free from the indoctrination of the bible, the dogmas and religious head games it plays, and above all the utter foolishness that the Christian bible teaches. I love my family more than ever, and I have a new found love for the human race that I had previously condemned to hell in the name of Jesus. I am truly free. And the value of Pi is NOT 3!

Do you miss yourself?

2008-05-02T05:40:00.001-05:00

Sent in by Claire

Do you miss yourself?

When I hear a question such as this, I recoil in disappointment; I sigh with disgust. It is posed in such a way as if to assume that the person being asked about is no longer authentic, real, or are somehow empty.

It's condescending, presumptuous and I find it downright rude.

"Do you miss yourself?" has been asked of me in various forms since my journey outside the realm of religion and faith began, just over a year ago. Due to my lack of certainty (and the lack of evidence), I have officially de-converted from Christianity. Since then, questions have been raised about the validity of my reasoning and in turn, my very self.

Don't you miss who you used to be?

I am not surprised by these questions, knowing full well the world in which I used to live is constructed of persons who are taught to hold each other accountable for a myriad of things: actions, tastes in music, emotions, sexual preferences, interpretations of scripture... and doubts.

While I understand the questioners intent (after all I was guilty of the same), what I find so unappealing is the question itself, (don't even get me started on "Ex-Christians, how can there be such a thing?"). These really aren't genuine questions after all, for a genuine question is not asked with the answer already implied.

All that said, I have decided to respond to this rhetorical nonsense in hopes of demonstrating how “myself” is really much better off having left it's delusions behind and how I really don't miss "that self" at all.

Do you miss that self?

No, I do not miss "that self."

I do not miss the mind numbingly absurd reality “that self” lived in, the plateau at which that self's intelligence was set, the circular condemnation and double think “that self” endured on a daily basis.

No, I do not miss that self.

I do not miss feeling like that self was something bad and that that self could do no good without a supreme deity to guide the way, I do not miss that self second guessing every action, every relationship, every idea,

I do not miss that self.

No, I do not miss that self's lack of responsibility for the earth, that self’s desire for the world to be destroyed and for its people to be condemned, that self’s superiority, naivety and idealism.

I do not miss that self.

I do not miss that self’s conversations with the ceiling, that self’s weight of the worlds salvation, that self’s conscious dismissal of science, that self’s ala cart projection of the Bible, that self’s silver platter consumption of truth from the pulpit.

No, I do not miss that self.

My self rejoices in reality and embraces humanity.

“That self” can go fuck itself.

One year as a Christian was enough

2008-04-29T19:06:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Shadowed One

Ironically, I became a christian due to mental problems, which lead to a psychosis.

I guess an ideal Christian is a eunuch (you remember those parts about them in the bible, don't you?), who had a lobotomy so he has no sinful wishes or blasphemous thoughts.

Well, from that point of view year of taking neuroleptics was very useful. My doubts grew over time, but the moment,when I stopped considering myself a Christian was when I read about God killing 70,000 innocent people because David ordered a census of the people (1 Chronicles 21) .

The book of Job is also pretty stupid. God has a bet with devil that no matter what happens Job will remain loyal to him. To check it out he lets devil kill all Job's slaves and children and "smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." Another nice Christian story.

Also,I was a member of Messianic community, where pastor was very serious about the "don't ignore the OT" stuff. Surely,Jesus didn't cancel the OT, but doesn't that mean,that they should not only obey the "what to eat" stuff and sabbath, but also,for example,stone to death those,who don't? I wonder...

Being a christian I had to feel guilt about anything that's related to sexual desire and to believe, that many people are going to be sent to a "lake of fire" by a "god, who loves them," because they've done something wrong. (George Carlin made great fun of this crap in his "Religion is bullshit" act. You can check it out on YouTube).

Sure makes you feel kinda uncomfortable. Now I feel like I should apologise to my friend-atheist, whom I tried to "save." Or just don't mention it.

Also, my cultural desires are pretty non-Christian. My favorite authors are Camus, Nietzsche and Bertrand Russell, nevertheless I do admire Kierkegaard and a few other religious authors. Music I like is also often pretty blasphemous (industrial,dark-folk e.t.c. ).

Talking about the Christians I got to meet: at their best,they are good tempered, at their worst...

Well, in our community we had a prayer before the begining of the show, they (80-90 % in the community were rather old women) used to form a small circle, aim their hands to the centre (sorry, I just don't know how to say it in English) and try to summon Jesus or Adonai or something. It was sometimes followed by hysterical screams like "We need you, Lord! You promised, Lord!" e.t.c. The "I know the absolute truth" and "you are going to hell,if you do not repent" types of christians are very annoying.

Anyway, I didn't notice any Holy Ghost's killing any "old men." Well, maybe this bullshit IS killing the old men who attend the services, but I am not sure.

Thank you for your attention and sorry for my poor English.

City: Riga
Country: Latvia
Became a Christian: April 2007
Ceased being a Christian: April 2008
Labels before: Jewdo-christian
Labels now: Agnostic
Why I joined: I needed a crutch
Why I left: Don't need it anymore,besides,I HAVE read the Bible

My seed of doubt

2008-04-25T04:23:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Johnny

I was sitting with my pastor at the seminary I was attending for development in Christianity program, and we were talking about one of the finer points in Calvinistic dogma, that being predestination. This was the moment, after 20 years of Christian living, that would instill the mustard seed of doubt into my mind, which would eventually lead to my leaving of Church, of the faith, and eventually any notion of God.

I was raised in a Christian home, by Christian parents. I was taught all of the same teachings that every Christian has heard thousands upon thousands of times. I was pulled out of secular middle school to be home schooled with a Christian curriculum. I had science classes that taught against evolution. I had writing classes with exercises that were always Christianized in theme. I had math classes that had me adding and subtracting problems, with Bible verses on the sides of the page.

I went to Church every Sunday. And youth group every Tuesday. And I had Bible study every Wednesday. And in high school I led a Bible study with jr. High students every Thursday night. I lived and loved in the Church. It was, completely and wholly, my life. My doubts were brief, my emotions high, and I remember praying every night before bed...begging God not to judge me for the sins I still committed against him.

But here I was, 20 years old, at a seminary...never having anything that could be called "a crisis of faith" up until this point, and here speaking to my pastor...I could not accept the idea of God punishing people.

The idea of hell had always bothered me. Why had Jesus died for the sins of the whole world, yet only Christians got into heaven? Why would a god that ultimately is supposed to love us as we are created in his image...why would he throw us into hell? Why would that place even exist? The old phrase, "why do bad things happen to good people?" but on a larger and more eternal playing field.

And with the idea of predestination, came the idea that I made no life choices. I had no free will. While the belief in predestination is not one the whole of Christianity, or even a majority of it, accept as fact...the point was still hitting me on a daily basis at this point that I had no free will. God was so big and powerful that his plan was formed and written millions of years ago (figuratively), and there was nothing I could do to change anything.

My life suddenly felt dark and empty. My pastor even told me that I never accepted Jesus into my life. I was so dead in sin, that Jesus chose to save me. The pivotal moment in my life as a Christian...and it didn't even matter. I had done nothing. And it made me question, why go out and mission to people, when they are already chosen? If God made his mind up at the beginning, why should I try and save anyone?

That was my seed of doubt.

Then college came. I lived in the dorm my first year away for college, and my roommate was chosen randomly. He was, as it turned out, a former Christian who now studied philosophy. Over the course of the year me and him had many discussions about the way of life, the way things used to feel for us as Christians, and my doubt in the faith began to grow the more I read on things in the field of science. Things I had never learned in high school. I was taught about the lies in evolution, and now I was finding out that it was actually my book that had been lying. I learned about philosophy. I learned more about art. And every night I would talk to my roommate, and he would continue to answer my questions about things away from faith.

The last night of my Christian life, the last time I would identify myself as a Christian, I asked Robbie, my roommate, if he thought he was still happy without God in his life. I was so scared that I was going to be lonely and miserable without Him. I thought without Church, and Christ I was going to live a sad life.

Robbie didn't even answer with words. He just sat there and smiled. And that smile warmed me more than the smile of any pastor I had heard or seen in my life. It was a smile of comfort in life, with no mysticism. A life of just...life. No afterlife to worry about, no sins to atone for.

I was 20 years old, and I in that moment in my dorm, I stopped calling myself a Christian. It took me another year before I could fully stop believing in any version of a god, and a year after that until I could argue my points with all the friends I had that were Christians. And most of them still are, sadly.

I am 25 now, and I am more happy now than I ever was as a Christian. I don't have this huge guilt that I am a bad person hanging over my head. I don't constantly feel like I am this evil creature. I don't go about my life worrying about heaven or hell, but just the only life I have in front of me. Now, in addition to grad school and work, I work with people in my own community to help others escape from Christianity in the heart of the belt buckle.

I cannot believe how long it took me to get out, but I am thankful that I have the rest of my life to help others try and get out earlier. You don't have to live a lie. You don't have to live a life away from science and facts, from true enlightenment. You can be free to accept the world as a flawed place, and work on making this world, this earth a better place, rather than just hoping for a good afterlife.

There is hope, after faith.

Questions and a time to heal

2008-04-24T18:55:00.004-05:00

Sent in by Melinda

It has been a hard six months for me since the beginning of my questioning. I started college as a devout Christian, knowing the warnings of other Christians about the secularism of college and the dangers of the information I might receive in classes. After ending a ten month relationship in which my self confidence stooped to an all time low, and my life had been centered around the ex-significant other, I let go and moved towards some of my new friends in college who happened to have more open minds than I did. I became comfortable talking about topics I "should have" felt guilty about and listened to some of their opinions with interest. Not too long later, I met a guy through one of my friends and we hit it off. It was the first healthy relationship I had ever had, in which we were compatible with each other and both felt comfortable, like we had both finally found someone who fit us. The relationship started out wonderfully, until my parents found out that he was a Wiccan.

Even till this very day, 90% of the people I mention Wicca to assume it's some dark, demonic, cultic religion, somewhere along the lines of Satan worshiping, or they think my boyfriend worships trees and roles himself around in his own dung to connect with mother nature. The crude and rude stereotypes of his beliefs, which in their true form are nothing close to what people assume, have shown me that even "open minded" people choose to be ignorant for the sake of prejudice.

The first prejudice I encountered was in my family when he and I first began dating. I was perfectly fine with dating a Wiccan, with no intent to change him, only to understand him, and he understood my Christian views at the time. We made compromises for each other. He came to church with me and made the efforts a decent man should towards my family. My mother was nice as was my father, on the surface, but when I was alone in the house with my mother, she accused me of not caring for my boyfriend's soul by not setting a good example. She interrogated me and forcefully asked if I really intended for us to marry someday, if it happened to work out, how would we raise our children. It says it's wrong in the bible, that I was responsible for his soul, that I was being careless and dense, and the verbal abuse piled on for the first month and a half.

Eventually I had a panic attack from numerous stresses in my life and contacted some of my Christian friends which I had been pushing away because of their beliefs on the matter of my dating a Wiccan. I went to my bible study leader and cried my heart out and explained the entire situation. She told me that my boyfriend had manipulated me, that the panic attack was probably the holy spirit convicting me, and that I should break up with him. With much pain, and a great deal of reluctance, I squeezed her hand and broke up with him over the phone.

After that I spent two weeks in utter pain, wondering why a god that was supposed to be merciful would take away something so positive in my life. Admittedly, my search started when I decided I would go back to my relationship with my boyfriend and find the answers in the faith as to why there were successful interfaith marriages, why there were Christians who interpreted the unequally yoked verse differently, and then from there my questions grew.

Why were there so many different opinions on the bible? Who was right? If salvation was so simple and easy, why were there so many interpretations of how to be saved, how to stay saved, and the very meaning of salvation? Why were there Mormons who don't believe in Christ's divinity and believe as fervently and feel as touched as someone who is "truly saved by believing on Christ." Why were there successful interfaith marriages if it was so clearly a no-no? Why would god go against his own will by "blessing" marriages with two different faiths? Who goes to hell? Do mentally challenged people or unborn babies go to hell? Why are there happy and fulfilled atheists? Why were there liberal Christians?

And my research brought me to many more questions. I found my answers in the logic of rationality rather than the idea of faith. I found out a bittersweet truth: beliefs and ideas are simply that, beliefs and ideas, and they don't decide the truth.

I eventually found out that growing up in a Christian household with older, conservative parents, and me as the only child, I had been protected from the reality of the outside world. I remember being told to investigate the Christian faith when I believed, but never to investigate too far. I was supposed to "test the word of god" and yet stay inside the box of belief. Well, I have learned since then that this is a milder form of brain washing. I have learned that religion is simply a harmless collection of ideas, and no matter what I have been taught, the only reason I believed it was because I was afraid. The only reason I struggle now with reality is because I am still somewhat afraid. But I have pushed through the hardest part and continue to move on. I'm moving out in a month to get out of my parents' Christianity saturated home and start my own life with the influence of a diversity of beliefs, ideas, and information at my fingertips rather than a closed-minded church.

I have found that good and bad are decided by a society's individual moral code. I have found that there is no absolute and that there can be stability in a world with not very many absolutes. I have learned that the human phenomenons of love and morality and compassion are simply products of evolution and beautiful mother nature.

I live a much freer life. However, during this reality check I know I must allow myself time to heal. It is no easy process to suddenly see the ugly truth of something that once was a kind of best friend. The rug has been pulled out from under me, but knowing there are many more others out there who think like me is a great comfort.

I consider myself a cultural Christian

2008-04-22T04:52:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Angela

Let me first start out by saying that I love Christianity. Many of my fondest memories as a child and some of my dearest relationships are based on this religion. But I am not a believer.

There was a time when I struggled to reconcile my doubts about Jesus, the Bible and the Christian Church, but now I am able to completely accept the logic that used to nag me.

Despite my evolution of thought, I have not completely expunged Christianity from my life, and I don't think I ever will.

I now consider myself a cultural Christian.

I feel free to partake in all religious rituals and holidays because Christianity is a part of my family history and culture. I don't skulk away or outwardly protest at family gatherings when a prayer is said, I just respectfully bow my head. I don't take any of it too seriously, it only means something if you let it.

People who have strong beliefs about Christianity or Atheism may see this as a dire conflict to be resolved, but life is too short to spend time quibbling, especially with loved ones.

I am a homeschooling parent and I am teaching my Children about all religions, but they are Culturally Christian and often are read bible stories by their grandparents. I teach them that it should be taken lightly, but to treat all peoples beliefs with respect. Hopefully they will someday come to see that there is wisdom and truth to be found everywhere, in the Bible, in other religions, in nature, in science, and in their own life experiences.

I was once an MK

2008-04-17T20:30:00.004-05:00

Sent in by DK

I was brought up as a fundamental, evangelical Christian - in fact, I am a missionary kid (MK) from Africa.

But it took me 50 years to start seriously questioning anything that I had been taught. I had been brainwashed for so long and knew all the answers and comebacks, but they are is so full of holes - and it is so obvious now that I am an outsider looking back.

This morning on the way to work I was listening to a book on tape, and they mentioned Mithra, who pre-dated Jesus by 600 years. He was born on December 25, had 12 disciples, was crucified, and rose again, and so many more similarities.

Why haven't I ever heard of this before? This is almost PROOF that Christianity is not special - but just a clone of previous ancient pagan religions. This information has blown me away, and although I have already de-converted, I am totally horrified that this is not common knowledge with enough debate material to shoot down any Christian argument.

Do you know if someone has really investigated this to see if Christianity is based on this and all a myth?

Jesus as a Reincarnation of Mithra

Thanks for any input about this.

Totally de-converted at 72

2008-04-14T14:12:00.008-05:00

Sent in by Jay P

I was raised in the Presbyterian Church and had a flawless attendance record – so many “Gold Stars”. Then, there were church camps, becoming a Deacon in my mid-twenties and finally teaching a Sunday school class, made up of mostly teen-age girls (what’s wrong with that picture?)

After a divorce, I was very much an “outcast” in the eyes of my fellow Deacons and life-long church acquaintances. I simply moved out of my hometown and for the next 40-years (other than the 3-years I dated a Baptist minister’s daughter) I never attended a church. Not an atheist during those times, but just generally “not interested”.

Two years ago, my son the doctor, came for a visit. This is the young man, who during his entire life, was raised as a Lutheran – attended a Lutheran college (among others) and during his visits during that period of his life, would constantly use such phrases as, “Praise the Lord” or maybe, “God Love Him/Her” - and others. It just drove me nuts!

But on this visit, we just sat and talked. He revealed to me that he had, for some time, been reconsidering his lifelong path of religious thought. Bottom line – he had stepped away from Christianity. I was shocked! (Almost “giddy” at the news, but shocked none the less.)

Long story short, he suggested that I get on the web and read “Why God Doesn’t Heal Amputees” http://www.whywontgodhealamputees.com/.

This was my first intro into atheism. Kind of a shocker, but the more I read (and it is very sizable) the more I liked it and the better I felt. During that first year, I bought probably 25 or so books from Amazon and found such sites as this one which further assisted me toward de-converting.

Now 72 (two-years later) and totally de-converted from Christianity, I find my life totally improved.

As I read so many posts and appreciate so many stories (many, like mine) of newcomers to the atheist mindset, I often feel the hunger for more information - for backup in the direction they have chosen. Like most of you, I have read tons of books, visited a zillion websites and seen numerous videos. But as times passes, I can now reflect on some of my “findings” as perfect for the atheist “newby”.

I now suggest two sources that are very well done and real “eye openers”, if one has the curiosity to honestly view and hear them.

1. http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/main.htm

Zeitgeist is a 3-part, 2-hour movie. It covers Religion, 9-11 and our Banking and Money system. I am also a Patriot and continuing student of my government and its’ processes. The whole production is well done. I bought their DVD for a donation of $7, as I remember, but have since (as they suggested) made many copies for ready hand-outs to whomever I choose. I am not a “conspiracy” theorist, but my mind is always open to new-found subject matter. This thing is great and millions of folks have viewed it.

2. http://www.truthbeknown.com

This is the website of Acharya S. I know, strange name. She is an archeologist who has written several books, including “The Christ Conspiracy – The Greatest Story Ever SOLD” (under a pseudonym). She also wrote a well documented study guide to the “Zeitgeist” movie, which is also available as a download (I think about $5 donation) and really a well educated (and heavily footnoted) piece of work. Going to her website (above) and looking at the upper right-hand corner, you will see her picture (not to shabby for an egg-head). Click on that photo and you will get a 1-hr video interview that is very interesting and revealing from a qualified educator/archeologist. I also downloaded this interview a couple of days ago and made a DVD, which I will soon make duplicates for handouts. How this stuff “crunches” a good Christian. You’ll never hear about it – but it does!

I hope that this post will prove valuable to you newcomers, as well as some “old hands” that might not have seen these video subjects.

Happy days!

A stink in God's nostrils

2008-04-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Mike Z

I have just recently come to my good senses concerning religion and god. Religion is horrible and there is no god.

I was raised the first 18 years of my life in a United Pentecostal Church, and those were the most awful years of my life. I am gay and going to church three times a week, sitting there listening to how I was going to hell unless I changed my ways, was the most unbelievably horrible mind fuck anyone could receive.

I was told that I was an abomination and a "stink in god's nostrils."

The thing was, I knew I was gay and I prayed and prayed to be "delivered." I had preachers try to "cast out the homosexual demon." Nothing worked. Nothing I ever did at church ever changed the feelings I had when I left the building.

After I got out of the South and moved on I knew I didn't prescribe to that brand of belief, but I thought I had to hold on to to some sort of belief. I remember visiting my older brother and him telling me that he was an atheist. Even though I didn't have the same old beliefs I had before, I was still taken aback at the thought that someone, especially a member of my own family, could just not believe in some sort of "higher power" or whatever you want to call it.

The past couple years I've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure myself out and where I fit in. I came across Richard Dawkins book, "The God Delusion." After reading it, things just became clear. I can now say that I am an atheist. I do however catch myself from time to time saying things like, "Oh Lord, please don't let me be getting sick," or "Thank god I'm not sitting behind that crying baby."

Once in a while I will feel a pang of guilt because I don't believe all the mythology anymore. Does this get any easier, do those lingering feelings ever go away?

An inferior person who needs to be crushed by God

2008-04-12T21:00:00.002-05:00

Sent in by John D

For the past two years or so, I've experienced intense bouts of anger, hatred, and depression all wrapped together into one big nasty mix. Yes, I am an ex-christian. I know and am glad the most feared, sadistic, tyrant talked about so much in public circles is not a real being. I no longer have to worry about the things he might do to me if I dare to disobey him, and this was indeed a great relief for me just as much the time of my deconversion as it is for me today.

Yet I still feel extreme bouts of rage and depression due to the fact now that I am an ex-christian, my family and relatives see me as an inferior person who needs to be "crushed." While I am no where close to being some kind of superstar prodigy, I've been a relatively responsible and motivated individual. Despite this, my family and relatives still treat me as if I am the lowest person on the planet. I am really starting to believe they want to kill me, not literally but psychologically.

They call me a young and foolish idolater who will realize the stupidity of my ways one day when God comes for me. They see any and all unfortunate events that happen to me as divine wrath for my heresy. The bad things which happen to other family members who are Christian are just seen as the devil attacking them instead or just pure coincidence.

For example, once when the motor in my car was ruined probably due to making a mis-shift, my relatives believed it occurred because God was punishing me for not following him, and that this was only the beginning of his wrath upon me. Then the following summer, I foolishly posted a message and picture about George Bush on a message board, which resulted in the Secret Service seizing my computer for a hard drive forensics test. The Secret Service interpreted the post as threatening even though I didn't mean it that way. Thankfully, I was only investigated by them and never charged with anything. My family actually cheered the fact that this happened to me. They are extreme right-wing Republicans who said that I hate George Bush because I hate God, and God used the Secret Service to break my will to resist the Lord. No, I am not kidding, they really said this and actually believe it.

I also have gotten sick feelings in my stomach when I receive Left Behind novels from my family. The stuff contained in those books is worse than Mein Kempf. So I guess what they are trying to tell me by giving me these books is that God will cleanse the Earth of the subhuman unbelievers (anyone who isn't a Christian Republican) and finish us off by throwing all of us in a big lake of fire to be tortured for eternity.

Then my "loving Christian" family members send me obnoxious Focus on the Family tracts and write me things implying that atheists and gays aren't real American citizens.

Lastly, when I'm around these fundies, they use all sorts of cruel mindgames like using their young, brainwashed kids as puppets to say nasty, mean spirited comments about how deceived I am, and how they will be all be praying for me. Then they lay judgmental Bible quotes on my belongings when I am not looking.

I could just go on and on about the negative experiences I have had with my relatives in just the past couple of years since I deconverted from Christianity. While they haven't physically harmed me, they have harmed me mentally and emotionally with their psychological games and condemnation. Some people really do treat you as a whole different class of person when you reject their religious beliefs. When I was a Christian, I was never treated like this. I would like to know if anyone else had these types of experiences with Christian family members or relatives?

Picking Christianity is like a game of Russian Roulette

2008-04-11T06:21:00.006-05:00

Sent in by Alan B

As far as I can remember I have been asking questions. To set the scene, I am from the United Kingdom, which is a country whilst not free from religious conflicts is not as willing to show religion on its sleeve with the same pride that America does.

Both my parents raised me, and both my parents are Church of Scotland Christians. They are not the hell and damnation type, which seems to be a recurring theme on these testimonials, but the quiet type. In fact, you can barely tell they are of any religious persuasion. And this is where the questions would come. How come my parents were not as 'angry' as other Christians? Why did my parents not go to the same church as my Catholic friends? etc... The problem is, when you get two separate groups of Christians who both "love" their "god," but don't go to the same church, it is very hard to explain this phenomenon to a child. But here comes a sticking point: My parents would not go to a Catholic church any more than they would go to a mosque (a symbol of another religion where you "love" your "god"). Why not? If my Protestant parents and my Catholic friends practiced the same stuff, why did each not share this celebration instead of cold-shouldering the other party?

This is the key reason why I don't believe there is a god, or any basis behind religion. Surely, if we have three Abrahamic religions and one actually happened to be correct in its assumptions, then the other two are totally false. Picking Christianity would be like a game of Russian Roulette whereby there would be a one-in-three chance you actually got the "truth". This highlights the fact that "god" is VERY MUCH a human invention. People claim to know the workings of the brain of a super-deity, something which we are supposedly not able to comprehend, yet threaten people for acting against "god's will" as if suddenly they knew exactly what this god wanted! This is one of the many GLARINGLY OBVIOUS contradictions within religion which, unsurprisingly, is never mentioned by the religious.

Another thing which I never got hold of was the concept that religious figures commanded respect. Why? Surely if religion was all about the love of some invisible super-deity nobody would have any better grasp of religion than the next person, right? This all sounds a bit socialist all of a sudden, and hell, the churches would never be able to wring money out the elderly if they didn't offer some authority.

But, because both my parents are mild mannered, I was almost angered by their ability to still claim to have a faith, when most of the things they believed in were not the typical conservative Christian values we all know and love. Why do my parents have to call themselves Christian, and why do they have to get caught up in church?

Sometimes I cry

2008-04-09T19:12:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Debbie L

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I'm sad to be so far away from what I used to be.

It's like missing home.

I wouldn't ever want to live with my parents again, but hey, there was some really good stuff there, too.

Now they look at me funny when I say I don't go to church. They look at me with sad eyes and remind me that they are praying for me. I'm sure they are, and sometimes it's hard for me to know my choices are breaking their hearts. But, I haven't chosen a life of crime. I've never hurt anyone willingly in my whole life. You'd think I was choosing to become part of the Taliban or something. They send me emails on the dangers of "THE CHURCH OF OPRAH" and how I should warn everyone that she is leading millions astray with her views.

...sigh...

I love Oprah. I know it's cliche, but I love how she speaks her mind, no matter how dorky it sounds, and that she isn't afraid to look convention in the eye and roll her eyes at it. Do I buy everything she says? NO. But, I like what she stands for... for finding your OWN way.

I don't know how to respond to these emails my mother sends me. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to let her keep believing I am still brainwashed either.

I've really enjoyed reading the posts on here today. It's the first time I've reached out to find others who aren't 'following' anymore.

Skeptical monkey

2008-04-08T04:52:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Ted Goas

I hope my testimonial is short and sweet. I was raised by two educated, traditional parents in the New York metro area of the U.S. I was introduced to, schooled in, and eventually confirmed Lutheran. At no point was I ever enthusiastic about my religion or going to church. But like many others I took religious teachings at face value, went through the motions and believed what I read in the Bible.

But then I went to graduate school, which turned out to be my turning point. There I learned to question things, filter out bad information, ask for proof, and basically ask “Says who?”

During this time I watched a documentary and heard this quote from Michael Shermer: “Smart people come to revisit things they learned for not-smart reasons,” or something to that effect. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It made me realize that children can’t control how they’re raised. But we can re-evaluate what we were conditioned to think. After doing so, my story is probably similar to many other testimonials on this site. I converted to militant agnostic / atheist. My fiancé and I constantly research the subject of skepticism (in which the topic of religion naturally falls) and publish our findings on skepticalmonkey.com.

-Ted Goas
http://www.skepticalmonkey.com

I gave God up

2008-04-08T04:36:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Sean H

I was raised in a Christian home on "Biblical Principles" (in this case as defined by an American evangelist named William Branham who my parents believed - and continue to believe - was God's prophet sent to this 'final generation' to tell them God is coming, I happen to be his mouthpiece, turn from your wicked ways, etc). Unfortunately for my pastor and parents, however, I have always had an inquisitive mind, and while I went along with all this nonsense, it never sat well with me. In my early 20s I left this fundamentalist group for a more mainstream version of Christianity. I figured that God was probably real but that I had just grown up in a community that misunderstood him. All I found though was that while the lifestyle was more enjoyable and sat more at ease with the rest of society, the same questions remained.

I am now 29 and about nine months ago I started listening to podcasts from people like Scientific American, Astronomy Cast, and The Skeptics Guide To The Universe and I realised that all these fascinating, intelligent, well-adjusted people did not need a god in their lives to find wonder and beauty in the world around them. Something clicked in me and I realised the cognitive dissonance that had plagued me for so long was not due to my mind being 'fallen' or because I was not trying hard enough to 'let go and let God' but because part of my mind was simply determined to propagate this myth that had sustained me and given me alleged purpose for so long.

So I gave God up.

It's not that simple though. I work for a Christian music company. My wife is a Christian. Most of my friends are too. Working through the transition is awkward and at times quite unpleasant but having this load now off my mind makes it so worth it.

tag: Christianity, apostate, atheist, ex-christian, freethinker, reason, skeptic

A Biblical crisis of faith

2008-04-06T03:26:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Jim RL

I was raised Catholic and attended Catholic school from kindergarten through high school. I read the Bible often and prayed every night. God was very real to me through college. During college I went to church every Sunday with my grandmother.

I quit reading the Bible when I got to the end of 2 Samuel and it tells the story of God killing 70,000 Israelites via an epidemic because David took a census that God told him to take. I just couldn't accept that story. I had a pretty liberal view of the Bible, but this story couldn't be true. My God wouldn't do that. The God I prayed to, talked to wouldn't do that...couldn't do that. The crisis of faith was never quite settled, but the feelings that story gave me eventually died down.

After college I still went to church in Columbia, South Carolina. I wasn't very comfortable with the more conservative church there. A priest in a homily once referred to NPR as "National Communist Radio". I didn't like the fundamentalization of the Catholic Church, so I went less and less.

I then began looking around at other faiths. I read Taoist and Buddhist literature. I attended a UU service a couple of times and even visited a Zen Buddhist temple. I began meditating and did some Tai Chi. I liked a lot of it, but it wasn't really right for me. But, I need some faith...didn't I?

Last spring I began reading a lot of the atheist bloggers over at ScienceBlogs. Pharyngula and Dr. Joan Bushwell's Chimpanzee Refuge stick out the most in mind. At first the outspoken atheism rankled me quite a bit. I really liked their writing in general, though. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that atheism was a real option. I started thinking "Why not?", and it short order I had accepted that I was an atheist.

It was months later that my wife and I really talked about the issue. Apparently she had gone through a similar crisis of faith, and had given up on God soon after I had. It was a great discussion. I still haven't talked to my family about it. I don't know how they will react, but I am not looking forward to it. The conversation has to happen soon, though.

Does God really make me a better person?

2008-04-03T12:33:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Jason

I call myself a human animal, no better than any other being on this planet, but I fit into the life cycle like all the other species.

I spent my life in a Christian home, with a pastor for a father who encouraged us to attend church and encouraged free thought and questioning. For this I am proud of him. I gave myself to Jesus as an adolescent without knowledge of all the facts and a warped understanding of the world.

Two months ago I changed my mind.

I have been through a mental and emotional roller coaster ride which culminated in me crying with my sister as we realised that when we die, that was it, and we would be apart. The here and now is what is precious and I let go of the hope in a paradise that is carefree and eternal.

It was devastating after believing in it for so long.

I just feel that others must know that they are not alone. I've been through thoughts of suicide as life now appears to be meaningless, and Christian friends keep saying, "If there's no purpose, why don't you just kill yourself?" Little do they know what its like to put such a belief behind yourself.

Love one another, my happiness is your happiness, appreciate all that we call life. Be open to answers, but don't become so bogged down on finding an answer that you give up - give up on life, or give up and just revert back to Christianity. Make decisions when you are thinking clearly.

Let's be an example of an alternative solution. Let us be the good people that others strive to be, the kind of person that makes the religious look at us and wonder, "Does God really make me a better person?"

But what if you're WRONG!?

2008-04-01T04:06:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Philip

I've done it. I've gotten myself out of Christianity.

Now comes the hard part: letting go of YHWH altogether.

The only real problem I'm having with this has to do with this series of vows that I've made over the course of about two years -- absurd vows, having to do with my sexuality, my diet, how much money I spend: all leftovers from being a nervous Christian fearing I wasn't pious enough.

I've given up Jesus, because he wasn't the Messiah. But my timidness at finally giving up my vows has left me in a very awkward position as sort of a pseudo-Jew, still worrying whether or not Jewish god really does exist. If I can just get myself to break these vows, I'll be free. But this is the final threshold, and I don't ever want to look back if I can get past this.

I'm miserable, as this cognitive dissonance is tearing me apart: my rational mind telling me it's mystical nonsense, and my baser superstitious self who keeps saying "But what if you're WRONG!?"

Has anyone else come to a relatively similar point of leaving Christianity but circumstances have left you a bit of a Jew? Any ideas on how to finally hop off the edge?

tag: ex-jew, YHWH, ex-christian, bible, religious delusion, judgment, apostasy

Why does God care if we love and worship him or not? Is he really that insecure?

2008-03-27T05:11:00.002-05:00

Sent in by Johnny

Being brought up by evangelical parents in a very strong Christian community it was only natural that I was indoctrinated with falsehoods from as far back as I can remember. I even spent the first 14 years of my life living in a church house for the first seven and then in flat above a church for the following seven. I was taught the same stories and morals as many of you on here; the doctrine of the trinity, heaven and hell, the resurrection and countless other miracles. My parents were unwavering in their faith, and most of our family and family friends were Christians of some sort too.

Despite this, my parents were not overly strict, openly admitted they could not answer all of my questions about God, and wholly accepted the fact I was to ‘experiment’ with other religions/world views before committing to anything.

I have always had a very inquiring mind and can remember grilling them from about the age of 4 or 5 with difficult questions such as ‘who created God?’, ‘why does there need to be a God?’ and ‘why does God send some people to heaven and some people to hell?’. Even more trivial issues puzzled me and seemed illogical. Why is it wrong to swear? It’s only an expression of anger through words that are nonsensically deemed offensive by some higher authority. Why does God care if we love and worship him or not? Is he really that insecure that he needs to be validated by the attention of billions of humans, whom he created anyway and are intellectually amoeba next to the Great I am? How can God subject one of his beloved ‘children’ to the tortures of hell for eternity and justify it with the reasoning that it was because they did not meet his criteria for heaven, which vary widely depending on your source in any case? Any crimes we commit on this earth cannot be reconciled by an eternity of torture, no matter how grave. Would a human parent punish his/her child by anything even comparable to the torments of hell no matter how far they had gone against their wishes? Exactly.

Sorry for digressing. Point was, despite my parents’ best efforts and heavy indoctrination from different angles I always remained skeptical varying to different levels. This was in all likelihood because I was aware of other adults I admired who did not share their views and also went to a high school were very few of my classmates were Christians. That said, I never really considered the notion that there was no God at all until I started university. I first came across the atheism as a world view at the age of 11 or 12 but really gave it no value at all. I had serious issues with several aspects of Christianity, which seemed absurd and or irrational but generally held faith in the notion that there was a God.

At the age of 17 I made what would be called a ‘response’ to God. Evangelicalism is different to many other denominations of Christianity in that you are not baptized at birth and hence technically not saved until you make a personal choice to commit your life to following God. I was away at a Christian summer conference (read ultra-indoctrination), and still had trouble finding answers to my questions but found myself in awe of what I thought was the undeniable presence of God in the meetings I was attending. To cut a long story short I committed my life to God and over the next few days felt myself on a spiritual high. It died off when I returned home from the camp to my non-Christian school friends and social life, and overall was somewhat anti-climactic for a day that would supposedly change the course of my life. Over the next year I continued on the same path I had been on beforehand, with many questions still remaining unanswered and feeling intellectually and spiritually unfulfilled.

At university I reached a point of agnosticism, through a combination of my own reading, anti-religious sentiment in the Politics department I studied in and regular contact with avowed atheists. Another part of my life that pushed me further down the road to atheism was 3 months spent in the United States (I'm from the UK) in summer 2005 at the age of 19. I was working in Utah and came into contact with many people I could only describe as completely deluded by religion. Whether it was Mormonism, fundamentalist Christianity or Scientology, my eyes were opened to the power of dogma to brainwash otherwise intelligent people. Why was Christianity any different? In the end I concluded there was very little evidence to suggest it was.

In my second year of university I made the transition from agnostic to having a fairly strong belief of a God in some kind. With hindsight I recognize I was taken in by the argument from design and intelligent design theories, although I had not actually researched them, came to that opinion through my own personal thoughts. At that age my mind was not as sharp in an analytical sense as it is today and I now realise intelligent design is pseudo science - not one scientist of note will endorse the theory.

Atheism developed a grip over me when I read books such as ‘The F*** You Up’ by Oliver James, ‘The World As I see It’ by Albert Einstein, ‘The End of Faith’ by Sam Harris, ‘The God Delusion’ by Richard Dawkins and various articles by Noam Chomsky amongst many others. Through study of human psychology and basic philosophy, I came to understand that as humans a great deal of our behaviour is conditioned by society, in particular our parents, and this includes religious beliefs and behaviour. Further, ‘The God Delusion’ presented to me the core arguments against religion in a passionate yet concise manner. ‘The End of Faith’ highlighted the damage religion has done and is doing in North America and the rest of the world.

Not only did all of the intellectuals I admired espouse either atheism or agnosticism, my own personal experience of Christianity really exposed the religion’s flaws during my final year of university. I came to realise that I had never had a tangible answer to prayer in spite of probably 20 years of requests. I read the Bible for 4 hours in one sitting and found at least 7 direct contradictions.

I have been an atheist for around 9 months and cannot see myself returning to Christianity. My close family are aware of my views and seem to accept them, although I think this is largely due to them not thinking about it. I must admit I find atheism depressing at times, which tends to be the case for apostates who have been indoctrinated with doctrine for years on end. On the other hand is it more liberating and intellectually fulfilling than Christianity had been or ever could be.

It is empowering to have a concrete belief, and it is the first time I have felt complete confidence that I am in the camp with the most logical world view. I enjoy the feelings of superiority that come with watching people practice meaningless and, frankly, laughable moronic religious rituals. In the future I plan to study evolutionary biology to acquire a deeper understanding of evolution and how it affects human behaviour. I also hope to read books like ‘In Gods We Trust’ and ‘Religion Explained’ offering anthropological explanations for the rise of religions across the globe. I had aimed to study a post-graduate degree in Social Anthropology so I could write a dissertation on the area, but unfortunately it doesn’t tie in with my career plans.

Anyway, thanks for reading and keep up the non-faith!

tag: ex-christian, apostacy, apostate, skeptic, reason, freethought, religious delusion,

My de-conversion letter to friends and family

2008-03-27T05:05:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Andrew

It's been about a year since I've stopped considering myself a Christian. I want to put together a 'coming out' letter to give friends and family some idea as to why I have given it up. Please let me know if you think I should add something, or leave something else out. Is it even a good idea to do something like this? I sent this letter to a close friend who is pretty devout, and she seemed to appreciate it.

Here goes:

Dear Christian Friend,

Because you mean so much to me, I wanted to give you at least some sort of idea as to the ‘why’ of my deconversion. I want to let you know, at least at a surface level, why I’ve chosen to ‘leave the fold’, to share a bit of my story.

To begin, I want to let you know that this is not something that has just come up or that I’ve decided on a whim. I’m sure you didn’t think as much, but I just understand that it can be difficult to comprehend why someone would ever leave Christianity, especially when it is so ingrained for so long. It has been a very long journey for me. One that started about 3-4 years ago, when I started thinking critically, step by step, not just about things relating to faith, but everything in life. I began to question everything I had ever taken for granted, such as whether western culture was the best, whether eating kraft dinner and hot dogs would ensure a long, healthy life, and whether this ‘relationship’ I had with God was something I could confidently espouse.

I began to understand the importance of objectivity, and that when the owner of a company tells me the product he sells is really great, that there is possibly cause for questioning and investigation, and not just acceptance. I gave up the notion of the earth being 6000 years old quite some time ago, and that in no way changed what I thought about Christ, or his sacrifice. I did an investigation, not caring particularly which way it ended up, and decided that the evidence pointed to the earth being old and to common ancestry among biological organisms. God did it of course, it wasn’t a big deal. It was the people whose worldview would come crashing down if they had to admit an old earth that I had to worry about. Their ‘evidences’ and ‘scientific studies’ were greatly dependent on the conclusion they had already decided on, which of course is not the correct way science is done.

Next I began to greatly question my charismatic [pentecostal] roots and after a good year of reading, studying, experimenting and writing, I decided that much of what I had grown up with thinking was the work of the Holy Spirit was really just socially learned group-think. It took quite a bit to convince me of this, but the evidence was really overwhelming. There was, at least to me, no good reason to think that I had experienced anything more than mob mentality; a peer pressured, psychologically explainable experience. If the exact same things happen in polemically different worldviews (such as new age, opposing religions, etc), and they were contrived experiences (since God wouldn’t bless mutually exclusive worldviews), what made me think my identical experience was the one real thing, given by God almighty? I definitely still believed wholeheartedly in the central tenets of Christianity, but my faith was changing, morphing into something new, and I had no problem with that.

Then, I began to question the things I was reading in the Bible, especially the darker notions of God himself, like him committing genocide, or ordering ethnic cleansing, and the concept of hell. Whenever I would bring them up to have a meaningful conversation it would just come down to: “You can’t question what God does, because he knows better than us.” So basically, I came to conclude that as an everyday Christian, I had to be able to say that genocide is good sometimes. God cannot be questioned on these matters, so he gets a free ticket to commit [or at least if they happened today, what would look exactly like] atrocities. I had a real problem with that and started looking deeper into the character called God in the Bible. He does all sorts of terrible things. Things I’m not comfortable typing out in this letter, things that the Sunday School teacher skipped, things that Pastors brush away far too easily.

Hell was a big one for me. How could an all-loving, all-good God conceive of this place of eternal torture? The way the Bible describes it, not even the worst monsters of history could come up with worse ways to treat people, and this is punishment for not being born in the right country, or for not thinking thoughts correctly about a guy who lived two millennia ago? All this for simply not believing in something for which there is no empirical evidence?

Anyway, when I finally (about a year ago) came to the place where I was willing to put some of my misgivings about not believing at bay, I was able to come at the question of the tenability of Christianity with even an ounce of objectivity. It wasn’t until I had a good talk with my wife about the remote possibility of me coming out the other side of this investigation as a non-believer that I really dove in.

You see, two years ago I was unable to think objectively about it for many reasons: fear of hell, fear that I would be tricked by Satan, fear that my relationship with my wife wouldn’t be as strong (more on that later), fear that I would lose my purpose in life, fear that all my friends and family would hate me, disappointment in never being able to see dead loved ones again…etc. As more and more of those things were put to rest, the final one being my conversation with my wife, I began to see the arguments in a new light.

Before, I had already decided the conclusion to the question: “Of course God exists! Is this even a remotely valid question in my life!?” Whereas, I had begun to think about things as if the possibility of the truth of Christianity were up in the air. I still wanted it to be true, I really wanted it to be true, but I was open to the possibility that it wasn’t, and wanted to follow the evidence where it led, even if it was down a road I wasn’t comfortable traveling.

As I was beginning my research on this about a year ago, I had a very important conversation with my wife. I was sitting outside our apartment, having a drink and generally enjoying the weather getting warmer while reading my first book about all this. I was into the second or third chapter when she walked up, home from work. We chatted a bit and I mentioned that this book was really interesting. She looked at me and asked me if I was going to become and Atheist, I asked her whether or not she would be mad or stop loving me if I did. She laughed, looked me straight in the eye and said that it wouldn’t change her opinion of me whatsoever, she loved me no matter what. We laughed and possibly my greatest fear of taking a look down this road was assuaged.

As for my relationship with my wife, it is one of the things that led me to this point in the first place. Over the course of our marriage, our relationship has grown and gotten sweeter. I had grown up through Church with the understanding that my relationship with God had to be number one, and accepted that wholeheartedly. When we got married, we were told several times that our relationship would only grow closer if we both put God first, then, like a triangular celestial threesome, the closer we both grew to God at the top of the triangle, the closer we would grow to each other.

The opposite became the case. As my faith became more and more cerebral and less and less of an emotional reaction to my life, I spent all my emotional energy, love, care and attention on my wife, and our relationship flourished more than I ever could have imagined. I remember several times wondering how it was possible that I was becoming more and more happy, more and more fulfilled in life, more and more content, the further I got from God. I only read the Bible in scholastic and intellectual pursuits, and only prayed when asked to the dinner table or every so often in class (I went to Bible College) or church groups. I had very little of the personal relationship with God, and felt absolutely no need, emotionally, intellectually, personally, to pursue one, since nothing was lacking in my life. I began questioning how my experience could so contradict what I believed ought to the be the case. It made me question this ‘relationship’ further.

With my wife I experience a beautiful, deeply satisfying relationship. I talk with her and she responds. She relies on me during hard times and I can trust her with anything. Neither of us is ‘above’ the other. No one has more power than the other. Neither of us rely on the other exclusively, but are balanced in our love and appreciation for each other, understanding that together we make each other better. How is it that the closer I feel to her, the further I feel to God. Moreover, how is it that our healthy relationship with one another makes this other ‘relationship’ in my life seem so useless, so made up. I finally came to admit that my wife was far more important to me than God. I didn’t particularly like the notion, and thought I should probably take steps to change it, but it was what I was feeling at the time.

As I researched, it was becoming more and more clear that perhaps there aren’t any great reasons to believe. I haven’t had traumatic experiences with the church or Christians. There are nice and mean Christians, just like there are nice and mean non-Christians. I’m not sure how the numbers work out, but it seems to be about the same nice to mean ratio inside and outside the Christian camp. This is not a factor for me in deciding the truth of the claims of Christianity. For me it’s about evidence.

I spent the last year of my studies at Bible College focusing on apologetic classes. I did extremely well at them and they kept me off this path for a little while. But the arguments ultimately fell short.

This is how I honestly think about this stuff: that there isn’t a reasonable basis to believe, and I understand that is very difficult to read and may sound arrogant or condescending, but one thing that I’ve really come to understand in talking with Christians is that there is no getting around this, and having a mutual understanding of our worldviews is key to having conversations about it without driving each other crazy.

At the core of our worldviews, we think each other are deeply mistaken, which when articulated, sounds arrogant and offensive. I was surprised at how arrogant and offensive I found our Pastor during much of his series on apologetics, but he was just speaking from his worldview, which just happened to put non-believers on par with ignorant toddlers, unwilling to see the obvious truth. Many non-believers, on the other hand, think believers are committed to a delusion. One of these is a truth (at least to some extent). So when people who hold the opposite points get together to talk about it, it is a must that they understand that those on the opposite side have a basic idea of what they stand for, and be willing to give up a few potential offenses, otherwise they’ll just offend each other to high heaven (so to speak).

When I talk to a Christian I expect them to say something that has the potential to offend or be mean, but I understand they are speaking out of the way that they understand the world, and that they themselves are trying to deal with the idea of myself not only giving up my faith, but theirs also, thus creating the need to be defensive. I understand that can be painful. I continually remind myself of this and strive to understand people’s responses. So far it has been surprisingly fantastic. Perhaps people are afraid to share their true feelings about it, although I wish they weren’t, but so far every Christian I’ve talked with about it has been supportive. I’m sort of expecting that trend to change.

One last reason I wanted to respond, was that I wanted to make sure you know that I’m alright, and our (my wife and I’s) relationship continues to grow. While at times it has been a bit of a scary journey, it has also been exciting, and in so many ways, freeing. I remember at Pentecostal summer camp and youth retreats we would often sing songs of freedom and yell about being ‘free indeed’. I can honestly tell you I’ve never seen the world in such vivid colour, never felt so unchained, finally realizing that my every thought, action and decision is not part of some grander plan that may or may not end in my favour. The universe is such a grand and phenomenal place, and I’m just glad to be here, to have the great fortune of living my life, of loving my wife, family and friends, of experiencing life to the fullest. I realize now that for me, religion (defined as belief in the tenets of Christianity) was a set of chains: guilt, remorse, continually second guessing God’s will, fear, trying to decipher to fluid labyrinthine text of the bible, and being in a relationship with a being that never really related.

I would welcome your thoughts and ideas regarding this stuff. I’ve had plenty of great conversations, through email and in person about this and I feel we’re all intelligent, thoughtful people capable of having meaningful talk about it. I think we can learn from each other. If I am mistaken, I want to know, since this is obviously a very important issue. It seems the world is becoming increasingly non-religious (again, defined as belief in a religion, like Christianity), so I think talk on these topics will become more and more relevant for both believer and non-believer alike. I will do my absolute best not to push anything on you, or anyone. I understand this is a deeply personal issue, and I don’t want to strain our relationship because of an idea. I agree with Bono: “Ideas should never come before people.”

I think our friendship will continue to flourish. While this strand has withered, the original way we met and became friends is a historical fact and cannot be changed. I grew up in Christian culture, understand the language and continue to have meaningful conversation with Christians about their faith, not necessarily bringing up any of my own misgivings about it (unless they ask of course), and hope we can continue that. I look forward to many great memories together as we continue friendship into the many years ahead.

Love, your friend...

tag: de-conversion, ex-christian, former Christian, skeptic, Christian, hell, judgment,

I was paralyzed by the fear of hell

2008-03-24T05:09:00.004-05:00

Sent in by Jacolyn

I'm a 29-year-old female who has been an ex-Christian for about six months now after being a very devoted Christian for at least 20 years!

I was brought up in a Christian family (Baptist), and when I was 18, I started going to a Hillsong style church, and never looked back until six months ago.

The short story is that I could never understand why a good and loving God would send people to hell, no matter what the reason. Not long after I changed denominations (when I was 18) I was forced to think about hell in a more pragmatic way, as the church spoke quite openly about hell. I went through a period of depression, as all I could think about was, "Most people around me are going to hell.” Every day, with every person I encountered, I looked at them thinking, "They're probably going to hell," and I kept thinking, “What's the point?” I managed to get past that phase; I think I just tried to put it out of my mind. Eventually I managed to stop thinking about hell, and I continued going to church and being a devoted Christian.

I went through another period of depression a few years later, perhaps when I was about 24-25. I went to a youth conference where they talked about hell and urged us to think about our "unsaved friends and family” and to "cry out to god" for them. Well, I cried, but just to myself, depressed, thinking everything is so pointless because most people in the world are not Christian and are going to hell.

Again, I eventually got past the depression.

After a few eventful years, and after my strong Christian grandpa died, I decided to go to Japan as a missionary. I felt "God" calling me there. This was a time in my life when my faith was the absolute strongest, and I guess also where I put Christianity to the test the most. This was when I was 27.

After about 15 months in Japan, I came back to Australia for a short visit for my cousin’s wedding. While I was back in Australia, I attended church; the pastor preached a very awful, awful sermon about hell. He actually said, "People often say to me, ‘If God loves people, how can he send them to hell?’" His response was, "God sends people to hell BEACAUSE He loves us so much!" That made absolutely NO sense to me whatsoever!

But again this made me confront hell in my mind and again I got depressed, and I went back to Japan depressed. In Japan I would often walk passed funerals of old Japanese people -- most of them probably not Christian, as Japan is only about one percent Christian. As I walked past these funerals, my mind was in turmoil, my faith was in turmoil, and I was thinking, "How is it possible that that Japanese person who just died is now in hell for all eternity? That's just not acceptable!”

Let me just stop and say here that the one thing that stopped me from turning away from Christianity was a complete and paralyzing fear of me going to hell. Finally I overcame my fear of hell and have decided to leave Christianity. I don't fear hell anymore, and I don't get depressed about others going to hell either.

There is some stuff I miss of course: the church family, hope in heaven, believing that there is a God out there looking after me. But those things are not enough to make me believe again. The thought of hell is just absolutely unbelievable to me.

Does anyone out there have a similar story?

Long, hard road to disbelief

2008-03-21T09:39:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Melenie

I realized at an early age that something was very wrong with the Baptist church I went to. It was pretty bad when a eight year old child can tell a place is corrupt.

My first of many churches was in north Alabama, a very horrid and dim place where half the population cannot read or write. At the early age of four I was taught that homosexuality was wrong, and if you were you would go straight to hell. In fact, you would go straight to hell for lots of things it seemed.

If you read anything by Darwin, you were doomed.

If you talked back to your husband, then I hope you enjoy fire.

If you think about sex you are a dirty whore and you will go to hell.

The place was really more like a cult then anything. The people were brainwashed into believing that everything they did was evil.

Luckily we moved from there, not long after we found out that a small religious faction that had developed in the town was over throwing the pastor because his daughter was a lesbian.

We moved to Montgomery when I was ten, which was when the big topic of the 10 commandments being in the capitol building was being disputed, and I think that was the real start of my fall from faith. Not from the big deal that society was making out of religion, but from the new church that I had become a part of making such a huge deal.. I remember my preacher saying loudly at the top of his lungs one sunday morning as I sat in the pew hanging on his every word, that the only reason that the people were protesting was because they were dirty,filthy atheist homosexuals. I thought to myself "Why would they care though? It's not hurting anyone if it is or is not in there."

As I grew older I began to learn new things about myself that worried me: I liked girls. I had always grown up learning that if I did like girls, I would go to hell and god wouldn't love me anymore because I was an abomination. I struggled with the issue for a year before coming out to my best friend. She said she did not agree, but swore to never tell anyone. I felt better finally letting someone know that I am a lesbian. That Wednesday I went to church like I always had since I was eleven, and I walked over to the preacher who was a friend of mine and said "Hello." and he would not speak to me. He looked through me like I was not even there.

I walked over to my best friend and sat down beside her, still hurt. To my surprise she got up, and everyone in my youth group followed her. I left, and went home crying. The next sunday the preacher told us about the evils of homosexuality, and how no matter what you did you were no longer a child of god, but of Satan. My mother, being sympathetic looked over to me and offered to take me home. I shook my head refusing and stayed through the whole service. At the end I was close to tears, but I was filled with a new understanding. Something that I had never knew was in me before. Something that the people of the church could not see because they were blinded by their stupid convictions.

God failed. Not God himself, because he does not exist; he was just an idea started by some people who needed hope for something. But the idea of God failed. In the start God was made to give people hope and a reason to live a good life of humility and purity. But soon, those same people changed it. They turned it into something ugly and hateful, damning whatever they did not like, or fixing the words to make whatever they wanted it to say.

I went home and cried for three hours that day, and my mother thought I was sad because of what had happened at church. But I wasn't. I was crying tears of joy, For the first time in my life I felt free. I felt like I was my own person, I felt free of burden or depression.

It has been for years since that day, and I can happily say that I have not stepped foot in a church since.

This is my fall from god I suppose, there is nothing remarkable about it. And there is nothing heart breaking about it. But it feels good to get it out in the open.

My journey to apostasy

2008-03-18T05:29:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Jimmy

Okay, maybe "journey" is bit of an overstatement.

It's quite simple really. I was born and raised in a Christian household. I went to church every Sunday (though it bored the piss out of me when I was younger). I was taught that the Bible was the inspired Word of God. I was taught that evolution was a big lie perpetrated by the scientific community. (Or was it liberals?) Oh, wait, I know! It was the Devil himself. Eh, I can't remember which one it was; all those things were taught. Every time I would hear the big, bad 'E' word I would loudly and proudly announce to anyone who gave a crap that "I didn't come from no monkey!"

I was taught that to be a homosexual was a sin and an abomination against God. Yep, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," was one of my favorite sayings. I was taught that everything written in the Bible were historical accounts of actual events. I believed all these things without question. Then about two years ago I actually began thinking about these so-called historical events in the Bible -- I mean really thinking about it. For the first time in my life they seemed ridiculous. Fucked-up is a more fitting term. The reality that was forced upon me since at an early age started to look like something out of a Dr. Seuss book or something.

I started searching the Internet for evidence for creationism and their so called "proofs" just seemed, well, retarded. I began reading up on everything on evolution from a non-biased viewpoint and actually started to learn something. I realized that I rejected it my whole life without ever knowing the first thing about the topic. The only reason I believed in any of the things I did was because my parents told me since I was barely old enough to walk that this was the real deal.

I was indoctrinated, which is just a nicer way of saying brainwashed. I was taught that being a good person won't get you into Heaven. How fucked up is that? You could beat your wife, beat your kids, be hateful and intolerant of those different than you, lie, cheat, steal, hell even commit murder and none of that matters as long as you just "accept Jeezus into yer heart and ax fer fergiveness!" and you will get a pass through the pearly gates. On the other hand, you could be the most selfless, compassionate, loving person who dedicates your life to helping people who are less fortunate, never judge those who are different than you, but because you were not "saved" you will go to Hell where you will be tormented beyond imagination for all ETERNITY just because you didn't choose the right religion among hundreds of others.

I had never really taken the time to think about this before. Once I did, though, the idea seemed cruel beyond words. I used to think I was a better person than non-believers because I had "good Christian morals". Looking back now, I realize that I'm a better person now than when I was a Christian. I was a HUGE homophobe. I was that type of asshole who would physically assault you just because you were attracted to the same sex. These days I support gay rights, especially the right to marry. Some of the most ignorant, close-minded, hateful, intolerant, self-righteous, arrogant, hypocritical, judgmental people I know are Christians.

This all began for me in 2006, but I didn't finally admit it to myself that I was no longer a Christian until last July. I never really came out and told my family, but I drop some hints every now and then. My old man pretty much thinks I'm going to Hell. I know it. We even came to blows one night last summer because I dared to criticize his belief in the Biblical flood. I now absolutely cannot stand the Christian cult and I have nothing but contempt for it's fundie followers. Notice I said fundie. I realize not all Christians are fundies.

Every since I de-converted I feel as if this huge weight has been lift off of me. I now feel free to actually think for myself and to be more open minded. The Bible that I once called the "good book" I now refer to as the ol' ball 'n chain. Today, I consider myself an agnostic. I'm open to the possibility of a higher power and if their is a God I don't know who He/She/They is/are. All I do know is that if a God does exist, I don't believe it is the petty, childish, cruel, tyrannical sociopath of the bible.

Or should I say, "the ol' ball 'n chain?"

Never again am I going to believe anything anybody tells me without hard proof

2008-03-12T05:13:00.003-05:00

Sent in by Stephen

I am a long time lurker on this site and I just felt the urge to "come out" as a ... well I don't know if there is any word to describe my belief system but I'm sure you'll all get the idea once you read what I have to say...I guess the term "truth-seeker" is about as close as the English language allows.

My upbringing was of the loose catholic variety where we belonged to a church but were about as far from any extremist belief as you can get. I live in New Zealand and here, any kind of extremism is generally frowned upon, even the Christian variety and extremist Christians are often a target of public ridicule (yay! :o) ) . So I wasn't wrapped up in any evangelical/extremist type belief system, but I was still influenced by dogma to believe that there was a god, who was watching over us and was basically in control of the universe and everything and that everything was going along according to his will. Luckily the denomination of Catholicism that ran my school (the Rosminians) were a rather practical bunch and they would explain how god would use various natural phenomena to get his message across. I have rather vivid memories of being taught in "Christian living" class how the pillar of cloud that led the Israelites through the desert was probably a tornado etc etc and thinking "that sounds reasonable and not as far out as the bible made it sound". Also, they were very heavily into the "new law," i.e., everything Jesus said that did away with the old law. Jesus sounded like my kind of guy. He sounded like he was more interested in being correct than popular and as an extremely unpopular kid at school this ideal appealed to me like water to a fish! We stopped going to church, which was boring as hell except for the priest who is now the bishop of Auckland. I was always impressed with the quality of his sermons and now think that this was probably because he focussed on the positive words of Jesus (who I truly think never existed), but he would carry them out and at one stage after becoming bishop he offered pregnant women financial incentives not to have abortions. He was basically using the Catholic churches money to support single mothers. What a guy! But when I was 15 we stopped getting up every Sunday morning and trudging off to a church full of people who were more interested in dressing up than "receiving the message".

From the age of 15-18 I was still at the Catholic school and made it out without being too indoctrinated, but after the age of 18 I felt a "spiritual yearning". I'm sure most here know what I'm talking about, the sort of feeling that there must be more to this fantastic creation than what we can see, feel, touch, smell and hear. I tried various sects of yoga and meditation groups but sooner or later, these would end up with some kind of guru worship. The original goal did not seem the same once I had gotten in a bit deeper and it seemed so facile that I would just leave these groups. Still, I'd often continue to receive mail and emails from them.

After this phase I went traveling (NZ is a small place!) got into the international travel scene: drugs, cults, you name it. After awhile all the "spiritual" paths seemed like so much bullshit, refried and served up with a different flavour, so I basically gave up on the idea that another person was going to be able to show me "the way". I had serious doubts that "the way" even existed in the sense that most people think, i.e., a narrow path that if carefully trodden, leads to "salvation". Oh I had moments of clarity, bliss and a feeling of calling, but none would last past the initial motivation to stay on the "path".

Then, to the consternation of many of my Christian associates came my physics education. I turned into a modern day Galileo (one of my heroes), discounting all their bullshit dogma with rational and more importantly reproducible science. The best time I had at university was arguing with Christians about how the universe worked. Many of them seemed to still be thinking that the sun orbited the earth. The most fun was arguing with a lecturer of theology who said that because something was not detectable doesn't mean it doesn't exist. He used the example of my brain. He said that no one had seen my brain so therefore we couldn't be sure that it existed. I burst out laughing (I was 30 years old when I first went to university) and went on to say that if we went to the CAT scan machine at the medical school, we could indeed see that my brain existed in reality and that any obfuscation by him would not change that fact and all the other things he said existed without detection (i.e., the wind of all things!!) could be detected and evidenced by alternative scientific proofs. I began to see the importance of proof in any rational discourse. Needless to say the lecture theatre was pretty quiet after that. :o)

Anyway, I began to look into religion in general and read the entire site at www.jesusneverexisted.com in a weekend (another mind-fuck) and came to the conclusion that religionists are nothing more than a bunch of power-hungry elitists who aren't interested in the truth nearly as much as they are interested in power over others. After tallying up the number of deaths that can be attributed to the Christian religion (I'm quite the math Nazi as well) at almost half a billion, I cried inside for 2 whole days over what had been done in the name of "Christ" and "god" and thought, "Never again am I going to believe anything anybody tells me without hard proof." It was a tough and gut-wrenching time, but looking back it was well worth it as I see the universe (the world is such a small place for an astronomer :o) ) with much clearer perception now that I have dropped the whole religious ideology way of looking at life. To be honest, I feel much better and more fulfilled without it. Even disclosing myself here has bought considerable relief.

Thanks for reading and letting me share.