Stupid Is: John Smith on the Web

Dear Internet, I made you a mixtape.

2008-05-24T02:33:00.001+05:30

This is pretty nifty website:
http://bemistape.muxtape.com/

Lord, have MRSA on me.

2008-05-22T04:27:00.000+05:30

Dear MRS. A,

Thanks for giving me my third to last day of work off! Because of your assistance I was able to get some moving errata accomplished and a full twelve hours of sleep. That said, I'd like to take you to task for a few things.

The extraordinary fever. I felt like the HUMAN TORCH.
The body aches and chills. It was very difficult to decide whether the fan should be off or on. Terrible.
The throbbing. Oh, the throbbing.
The oozing hole in my body. Also, six band-aid changes a day? Come on, now.
The detergent bodywash I get to start using in a couple of days. It cost me thirty dollars and is probably going to sting!
The weirdness that going back to work is going to be tomorrow, what with me being very behind on all the things and, oh yeah, them knowing that I've been with you. They all saw that 60 Minutes episode about the football players and they are FREAKED!

In closing, it's been nice knowing you, but I think it's time we went our separate ways. I anticipate dousing you in a chemical bath soon. Please, stop the oozing.

Regards,
John Smith

Saving this for posterior.

2008-05-20T07:20:00.000+05:30

I'll spare you the gory details of my super-minor SURGERY (so minor it required thirty seconds of planning, a local anesthetic and a lot of gauze... in fact, click here if you want to see how much gauze).

BUTT I'll say this:

As the doctor (possibly my favorite, lifetime) is coming in I tell him "Man, am I going to make your day or what!" This was a joke because of where the the problem was located.

"Nah, not unless you've got a tick on the head of your penis, because that's what I was just doing over there," he said, pointing through the wall and at what I have to imagine was an unhappy male hiker.

During the procedure he kept pushing there brochures on me about the clinic and suggested I bring them to work. Despite that, if I were staying in Salisbury I would only ever go to that doctor.

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In other news, when I signed up for press credentials for the New York Comic Con (which I did not attend this year) my email was given to every publicist working in genre TV, movies, comic books and video games. In the run up I was getting five or six pitches a day, some of which (especially the interviews) I would have actually looked at taking advantage were I there. Now that the show is long since past I haven't gotten any.... until tonight. This was for a movie and videogame called, yes, Space Chimps.

"We’d love to work with you on any continuing coverage, previews, rounds up, etc. you may have planned coming up; looking at this summer’s big films, seems like sci-fi is going to represent a huge market – X-Files, Wall-e, etc. But what could be more appealing than combining space travel with monkeys?"

Indeed. Man, I could do that.

Our President.

2008-05-16T01:06:00.001+05:30

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that wudn't shit."

I'm keeping this one on file.

2008-05-14T04:16:00.000+05:30

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to be considered for the narcotics trafficker position listed on Craigslist on May the 13th. After reviewing my resume you may conclude that my experience designing marketing materials for the largest bar on the East Coast might not qualify me to carry baggies of powder cocaine in my rectum. However, I have three very important points to make that could change your mind.

I have a great work ethic. I haven't taken a full sick day in over three years and I don't plan to anytime soon. When I'm trafficking your drugs I promise you that from supplier to nose, they will be my top priority, morning, noon and night.
I have some connections in the comic book industry. They are notorious coke fiends, didn't you know? Coke and whores.
I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars. That's no hyperbole. I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars. Imagine what you could do with a man like that in your organization. For one thing, I'd be excellent for mice and termite control.

Mr Rivera, I know you have many candidates for this position but I want you to take a chance on me. I promise that your coke to cash ratio will skyrocket when you let me handle things-- just give me two weeks! I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
John Smith

Starman: Dry Cleaner!

2008-05-13T07:19:00.001+05:30

Jessica, ever the humanitarian, is concerned about their well-being.

2008-05-13T06:56:00.001+05:30

Hey there, y'all...

2008-05-12T07:04:00.003+05:30

IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD

Ms. Jessica Myer and I are relocating to Austin, Texas in early June. The last day I will be in Maryland is Saturday, May the 31st, where we'll be saying adios at Plaza Tapatia at 7pm and then, later that night, Breaktime. If you're able to stop by, please, please do.

If you've come across this site because you've heard me on Ocean 98, then thanks for listening-- I'll be around for a couple more weeks and I think it'll be fun. My last day on the Rude Awakening Show will be Friday, May the 23rd, and my last day on the radio will be a Very Special 'Guest DJ' spot on Sunday, May the 25th.

My schedule is about to be a lot more open, so hopefully I'll get a chance to update this a bit more often than I have in the last three or four years.

John Smith Investigates!

2007-03-31T04:45:00.000+05:30

John Smith Investigates!

Featuring Brian White, Shane Sales, DJ Tuff and the Dude.

Our cancer week.

2007-03-29T18:46:00.000+05:30

A Cultural Map of Salisbury, MD

2007-03-12T20:59:00.000+05:30

Idea swiped from Livejournal's stremph. Click to see the whole thing.

I thought it was worth a try.

2007-03-12T19:21:00.000+05:30

Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2007 05:10:36 -0500
From: "John W. Smith" 
To: "JM" 
Subject: before I forget, I had to type this out...

As I was getting up this morning, you reached up and grabbed me and asked me
an urgent query: "What did you do with my fingernail polish?"
"What?"
"The one you borrowed."
"....I don't even know what to say."
"....Good."
Satisfied, you laid back down in blissful slumber.

--------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2007 09:11:39 -0400
From: "JM" 
To: "John W. Smith" 
Subject: Re: before I forget, I had to type this out...

Yeah, I know this one.  You had to borrow my fingernail polish because
you had to test colors.  You were painting the inside of a sea shell or
an ashtray or something.  You were testing colors because you couldn't
paint with red because it reminded you of menses and freaked you out.

How about around three when you started necking me so hard that I
choked and coughed and I told you I was asleep and you said "I thought
it was worth a try," giggled and pinched my butt?

Maximum Spoilage

2007-03-07T17:51:00.000+05:30

Dear Everyone Who Knows I Read Comic Books,

Stop calling, texting and emailing me, I know about Captain America.

Regards,
John

Dear Associated Press,

Please, ask your teenage son what "spoilers" mean. I plagiarize your material every single day (past to present tense), and I'm usually pleased with the quality, scope and professionalism your organization embodies. Thing is, the next time Marvel Comics gives you a press release about a major, major event happening in comics, keep in mind that the %.05 percent of the population who actually read comic books might not want the event to be spoiled --on the day it comes out, at that-- in the god-damned headline. It's like running a review of Empire Strikes Back with the legend "Holy Shit, Vader is Luke's Father!"

Jackasses,
John

New York Comic Con pictures

2007-02-27T08:20:00.001+05:30

New York Comic Con
Originally uploaded by applebomb.

Lord Vader learned a new force power.

What I did this weekend in New York City.

2007-02-27T05:56:00.000+05:30

I do occasional freelance writing for ComicBookResources.com. I lugged around a heavy laptop bag, developed a deep, painful blister and nearly dislocated my shoulder so that I could write these comic book and entertainment news stories for you to read.

NYCC, Day 1: "Civil War Fallout: The Initiative" Full Panel Report
NYCC, Day 2: DCU, A Better Tomorrow—Today!
NYCC, Xtra: 28 Hours Later, Fox Goes Atomic at NYCC
NYCC, Xtra: “Degrassi: Extra Credit” Panel Report

Pictures, perhaps, later on.

A grown-ass woman.

2007-02-17T20:53:00.000+05:30

Goodbye, Britney.

Buy one get one free at Cold Stone Creamery.

2007-02-15T00:02:00.000+05:30

Via digg...
I'll see all my fellow fatties there tonight.

Paul McCartney's a bastard for only one reason: the goddamn mullet.

2006-10-19T19:36:00.000+05:30

Hey, WUZUP pals. I thought to drop in and tell you about a couple of projects I'm working on:

1) Infiltrating the Grapevine Folks who live in Salisbury know (I'm talking to you, Cory Perdue) that the Daily Times' Grapevine is a great forum for people who are worried about out-of-control cyclists, the rockfish epidemic, and the pros and cons of jogging in the old mall parking lot. It's all anonymous reader-submitted content, so I decided that I should start contributing:

So I think I'll begin playing the Grapevine Game, and I invite you all to play along. Submit your opinions here: DelmarvaNow.com. Remember, you can do it completely anonymously and you can call their phone line. I need to devise a scoring system...say, 1 point for every reference to the Monica Lewinsky scandal (too easy), 5 points for likening someone to a cannibal, and 10 points if you can get in an ethnic slur (and yes, "colored" counts).

More on that later. I think I may create a Facebook group for it.

2) Infiltrating Facebook

Speaking of which, having conquered the Myspace wasteland (236 friends, and we're not talking all bands and movies, kids), I've moved on to the new hotness, Facebook. If you ever knew me, you've probably already been friended. My definition of "know me" is purposely vague-- for the sake of example, if we were ever in the same room together, like for a class, then I've added you.

Also, I've taken to joining all the douchebag groups I can find. But really, why stop there? So I've created a douchebag group: "If This Group Reaches 100 Million, Our Li ves Will Still Mean Nothing!" is chugging along with a whopping 70 members. Go and join, please.

I've also been playing the Facebook friends game:

Myspace Bulletin Spam

2006-10-09T17:39:00.000+05:30

Myspace Bulletin Spam,
originally uploaded by Bemistape.

Don't feel bad: even Ellis clicks sometimes.

This was the first cake in a series.

2006-09-18T21:33:00.000+05:30

My advice for all of you: try to make your birthday fall on a Saturday (lie if you need to). That way you get the equivalent of a birthday four-day weekend. Friday to go out with friends, Saturday to avoid people, eat cake and recover from the previous night's outing, Sunday to eat more cake, and Monday to get another cake from co-workers.

Surely this twenty-fourth year of my life will be as spectacular as the previous twenty-three.

My office door.

2006-09-15T19:02:00.000+05:30

It's my birthday soon. My co-workers know how to make me feel special.

Five years ago I was dirty and sweaty on the Queensborough Bridge.

2006-09-12T03:58:00.000+05:30

On September 11th, I was a punk kid who needed to be in New York City because I'd seen some movies and TV shows that made the city seem impossibly complex, light years from the sleepy little towns I'd in which I'd been raised. It was a day that will live on in platitudes and speeches and creepy collector's plates, but I remember it as a scar, a loss, a heartbreak... and the beginning of the end of my youth.

I rode a bike very, very close to the Shit that day. On my way down I purchased a disposable camera from a Pakistani man who sold knick-knacks to tourists. That afternoon I brought the camera to a one-hour photomat and had them printed. I biked to a friend's dorm and scanned them, then sent them off into the ether, more evidence to convict... not the best or the worst quality, but more evidence. More to see.

That night I talked about what I saw on my father's TV station. Later on, I biked over two bridges back to my dorm on Roosevelt Island. I was dirty, my lungs hurt, and I had lost six pounds in seven hours.

In the evening we sat and watched the TV, to find out more, to put together the evidence and make theories and wait, and anticipate, and dread. We had a phenomenal view of the Empire State Building. When the TV said there'd been a credible bomb threat there, I watched it through the glass, glancing back and forth, not wanting to miss the destruction of the silly hopes and wasted ambitions of all my life.

John Smith: the Newest Member of the Geek Press

2006-09-12T01:27:00.000+05:30

On Saturday I attended the Baltimore Comicon and covered three panels for ComicBookResources.com, one of the top funnybook industry websites. The stories I wrote are extraordinarily long, perhaps overly detailed, and regard a subject matter that interests only myself and other basement dwellers (or those who wish they were!). However, I got some good feedback from the fellow who runs the site, and I may wind up doing some more.

I'm glad about that, because it was much more work than I had anticipated, but I'm glad I did it. I needed a challenge. Plus, it is, my friends, the first time I've ever been paid to write something.

If you're interested in seeing suddenly burgeoning geek-writing portfolio or if you, uh, want to know what happened at the Baltimore Comicon, click on the below links.

1: DC
2: Marvel
3: DC

Time Magazine on Superman in 1939

2006-09-06T18:19:00.000+05:30

On September 11th, 1939, Time Magazine knew how to defeat Hitler: send in Superman.

How to end the war quickly seemed ridiculously simple to readers of the comic strips last week: send Superman to clean up Hitler. One reader wrote to the Philadelphia Inquirer suggesting precisely that solution.

Last word in adventure comics, Superman is rapidly becoming the No. 1 juvenile vogue in the U. S. A happy combination of Flash Gordon and Popeye the Sailor, Superman is an individual with the speed of an airplane, the strength of a locomotive, the leap of a cricket and the hide of a man of war. He was born on a distant planet called Krypton, whose inhabitants had a physical structure far more advanced than that of earth dwellers, but not enough perspicacity to keep their planet from blowing up like a grain of popcorn. In the debacle only the infant Superman escaped. Reared in an earthly orphanage, he grew to manhood, felt his oats, dedicated his life to helping those in need. In the eight months of his existence as a daily comic-strip character, Superman has:

1) Cleaned up a corrupt city (by tearing the wings off the politicalboss's airplane); 2) rescued a pretty female reporter (by catching her in mid-air); 3) saved the life of a beautiful foreign princess (by sinking a submarine singlehanded) ; 4) foiled a plot on a king's life (by braining a bombster with a camera).

To get around to all these exploits Superman not only has to fly through the air, but to swim faster than a ship can travel, to break through brick walls and leap skyscrapers. To keep his identity a secret he adopts another one: when not supermanhandling the wicked he is a bespectacled cub reporter named Clark Kent. The pretty female reporter is in love with Clark Kent and the beautiful foreign princess is in love with Superman. How to satisfy them both is a problem for Superman's creators.

They are two mild Cleveland youths named Jerry Siegel, who writes the continuity, and Joe Shuster, who draws the pictures. Shuster went to the Cleveland School of Art and Siegel just went to high school. Last year they started something called the American Authors'* League to help ambitious and unknown authors, decided to begin by helping themselves, and concentrated on comic strips. Superman, the only one they have sold, first turned up in Action Comics, a monthly, was taken up by the McClure Newspaper Syndicate last January. It now appears in New York City, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Milwaukee, St. Louis and many another large city. Some of them have Superman clubs; in others youngsters have taken to wearing Superman capes and carrying shields. In Milwaukee one enthusiastic young Superman fan jumped off the roof of his house and survived.

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Found using Google's searchable news archive. Actually makes me wish I was still in college, there's an incredible wealth of free search tools that weren't around six years ago.

Sesiri usually doesn't come in until late afternoon.

2006-08-31T21:58:00.000+05:30

Sesiri: hey
me: hey
Sesiri: any problems this morning?
me: the workstation computers started leaking piss, then the ENCO computer became sentient and started walking around, killing people. everyone's blaming it on you. shoulda done those updates.
Sesiri: what?
me: you heard me. now the entire second floor is covered in piss AND we've got a crazy ENCO running around, eating people
Sesiri: whats the hell ya tallking about?
me: everything's just fine, Sesiri.
Sesiri: ohok
dont scare me
lol