...born ruffian....

2008-07-24T02:52:00.003-04:00

I watched a show tonight about kids with autism. That entire subject makes me cry more than anything.

When you have a brother with autism, and a really good chance of producing kids with autism, it tends to take up a lot of room in your brain. It's not that I pity autistic people or that I think there's something wrong with them. I just think it's a shame that communication should be such a struggle. Imagine not being able to express simple wants and needs. Or to explain to someone exactly how you're feeling.

Oh god, I just need to shake this off or I'll be up all night thinking about it.

2008-07-23T16:13:00.001-04:00

Oh man, I so do NOT want to work today. But I need money so I can get an amazing apartment with Candice and Ash. I've been looking at places and it seems like we can find something nice for around 1300 a month. Which is pretty ridiculously cheap if you think about it.

It's a good thing I got a grown-up haircut to go with my new grown-up life.

SIGH.

2008-07-21T12:03:00.000-04:00

I just had a dream about someone from my past. We were never romantically involved, really. He asked me to hang out a few times and we always talked. And I always liked him. But he was a little dorky and I was in high school and that kind of bullshit sort of mattered to me.

I know, it's stupid. But when you're that young you sometimes have a hard time imagining a period of your life where that sort of garbage won't matter.

Anyhow, so I had this dream about him. And it wasn't highly sexual or romantic or anything. It was just so comfortable and we were talking like we always talked and it made me miss him.

Oddly enough, he was the guy that pushed me towards dating Darren. He used to tease me about getting involved with D. He asked if I went to his football games and when I'd say yes he'd laugh. He'd ask if we totally made-out to Coldplay and stuff like that.

I haven't seen him in a few months. And even when I see him it's not like it used to be. We haven't been friends in about 5 years. Maybe I just sort of miss him.

I always always think of him once the leaves start to fall.

beneath the wormwood

2008-07-19T11:25:00.002-04:00

I bought a turntable!! I think there's something wrong with the stylus but who cares because now I HAVE A TURNTABLE.

Ash, I hope you know what you're getting yourself into. Ha. Our apartment is going to be full of so much eclectic 1950's garbage, you have no idea.

I also bought the craziest lamp and a copy of The Vagina Monologues. Because it's pretty important to talk about your vagina as much as possible. For example, I call my vagina all kinds of stuff. From my woochata to my downstairs mix-up. But she doesn't mind so much. She's a pretty laid-back vagina and doesn't have many regrets apart from that one-night stand with that bouncer. And she totally forgave me for not knowing (until it was too late) that I have an allergy to Trojan condoms.

Okay, that's enough of that.

I watched Savage Grace yesterday, and apart from being bothered by the incest, I thought it was a marvelous movie. And I think I've decided to marry a tycoon so that I can live in villas all over the world. And I will never have to work again, except on my tan. Siiiiigh.

Alright, I need a mental margarita before I go to work.

long forgotten files

2008-07-18T17:51:00.004-04:00

I came across this gem on my hard drive tonight and decided to post it. A little video of a few of us on Pete's birthday. There were a ton of other videos from that night but I decided not to post them. In order to protect the guilty, probably.

Such an amazing line....

2008-07-17T22:27:00.003-04:00

Rob and I are discussing our new hairstyles. I told him we can walk down the street in slow-motion. I asked him if our song could be "Lady In Red" but he said no because he hates that song.

"What should our song be?"

"Our song?"

"Mmhmm"

"Well I think the only band we mutually like is Say Anything"

Which is a lie.

"I'm okay with that."

"I Wanna Know Your Plans?"

"No"

"Woe?"

"No"

"Admit it?"

"No"

"What about 'Alive with the Glory Of Love'?"

"Sure"

WE OFFICIALLY HAVE A SONG TO WALK AROUND IN SLOW-MOTION TO WHILE WE FLIP OUR HAIR AND BE TOTAL BABES.

2008-07-17T22:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful lunatic I've ever met in my life.

not gonna teach him...

2008-07-17T09:00:00.003-04:00

I love Black Kids.

Yes, that's a band. Not a blatant statement of anti-racist propaganda.

I told them at work that I'm going to start a Little Book Of Grievances.

The only two complaints written about yesterday?

"N chews gum at work"

and

"C wears clothing from a competitor"

Both of which I do, plus a lot more stuff I probably shouldn't be doing.

We got new music in at work so I've been rocking out to Coconut Records on the regular.

Oh, I just remembered to put on underwear.

stop. hammer time.

2008-07-15T20:21:00.003-04:00

"you're going to help me write a blog post"

"okay," impersonating Sabrina, "because i am that giiirl"

"So what are we going to write about?"

"write about your hair and the sparkles on your forehead that came from God only knows where"

She got her haircut today and I think it looks really cute but she is obsessing about it and is not sure if she likes it, so you be the judge.

* after much screwing with the webcam we got my digital camera to take a picture*

"I am so not photogenic today"

Now Jackie is busy watching Rock The Reception so she can't bother with anything as CLEARLY IMPORTANT as my hair.

SIGH.

I think I need to go to my regular stylist and have her make it a little more sassified. Because as it stands right now it's pretty boring.

funky baby

2008-07-13T23:43:00.006-04:00

Here are my Top 25 Most Played Songs on my iTunes. (which will give you some idea of how rarely I use my iTunes)

1) Turn Into - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
2) Read My Mind - The Killers
3) Who Let You Go - The Killers
4) Lovers Spit - Broken Social Scene
5) Samson - Regina Spektor
6) Helicopters - The Stills
7) Fire Eye'd Boy - Broken Social Scene
8) Grey Room - Damien Rice
9) Coast Is Clear - In-Flight Safety
10) 7/4 Shoreline - Broken Social Scene
11) Cause = Time - Broken Social Scene
12) The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - The Postal Service
13) 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
14) Everyone Gets A Star - Albert Hammond Jr.
15) Slow Show - The National
16) Fake Palindromes - Andrew Bird
17) We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service
18) Write You A Letter - Ray Lamontagne
19) Cheated Hearts - The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
20) Post Modern Girls - The Strokes feat. Regina Spektor
21) Coconut Skins - Damien Rice
22)Past In Present - Feist
23) Accidental Babies - Damien Rice
24) Swimmers - Broken Social Scene
25) Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur

** I promise I listen to more diverse music than this.

i know saint peter will call my name

2008-07-13T22:37:00.002-04:00

Oh brother. This has been about the last thing on my mind lately. There's so much garbage to tell you cats about it's unreal.

So I'm officially out of a relationship. Only took me a few weeks, I know. I couldn't even explain it to you if I tried. I asked him not to read my blog, but now that I'm not his girlfriend he really has no reason to respect how I feel about anything. So I guess I'll just welcome him now. Hi, Tom. Enjoy the read.

I'm not in any kind of place where I can be someone's girlfriend. I'm not the type to put myself second to anything. Sounds horrible, but that's just how it is, I guess. Better to end things now than six months down the road when the damage would be so much worse.

SIGH

So Cuba was a blast. Went to the disco every night. Got myself a second-degree sunburn. Got myself proposed to by a man named Charlie with a gold tooth.

The wedding was so beautiful. My sister looked fantastic and I couldn't be happier to call Jamie my brother.

So that maybe brings you up to speed? I don't know, there's probably a lot more I could say.

2008-07-07T10:51:00.000-04:00

Back from Cuba.

all my bags are packed...

2008-06-28T10:38:00.003-04:00

Leaving for Cuba in about an hour.

If I die in a fiery plane wreck give everything I own to my dog. Except for my Fender. I want it cremated and the ashes spread outside Aji Sai.

I might blog from there, but if not I'll see you cats in a week.

i'll miss you, Bobby

2008-06-27T22:59:00.002-04:00

hello handsome
that's captain handsome
CAPTAIN!!
how are you?
Daddy Long Legs-O-Handsome
i have stubby legs 'member
I think your legs are long and glamorous like hooker nails

LATER ON

we're such assholes
yeah but it's fun
because we invented cool
cool wasn't even a concept until you and I came shooting out of a couple 'ginas

2008-06-25T08:39:00.002-04:00

Who's that girl leaving for Cuba in oh...about 2 days?

THAT GIRL IS MOI.

Tom is taking me down to Mississauga to pick up my brand spankin' new passport on Friday. Yep, I'm getting my passport THE DAY BEFORE I LEAVE. I'm having a nervous breakdown. So to calm my nerves I'm spending all day tomorrow at Wonderland and oh jesus PLEASE let it be nice weather. Lord knows I need a tan.

the ornaments look pretty

2008-06-22T23:51:00.002-04:00

"So where does that leave us?"

A question that could go any number of ways.

But tonight it lead to being officially in a relationship.

No more being scared. Sometimes you just have to jump in and give something a try.

And to celebrate, here's a song to make you shake it.

and the visions that I see...

2008-06-21T10:30:00.003-04:00

"I like night sounds and the dampness and cold breezes. I can look up at the sky as long as I want without having my eyes burned out. There are too many colors in the daytime to compete with. How do you think with all that noise?" - Zulieka Unstrung

I came outside last night and you were standing with your back to me, your head tilted towards the sky. I stood by your side and looked up at the four or five stars that the pollution of city lights hadn't diminished, but it took me some time to realize that your eyes were closed.

it's a whole thing

2008-06-21T09:42:00.002-04:00

Spent the evening with T. Dreamy boy that he is, we went and picked up Japanese food. He'd never had shrimp tempura. So I nabbed his Aji Sai virginity, and he found himself a new food to enjoy. We started to watch High Fidelity and then somehow got caught up in the most personal conversation ever. He told me things he's never told anyone in his life. And he didn't say, "Don't tell anyone" or "Keep this a secret", he just told me and he knows I'll hold his secrets forever. He thought he could shock me, but he forgets that I'm a lunatic and therefore I will respond to anything with like.....a shrug.

I decided it was high time for me to explain the bi-polar thing to him. That was awkward. Not because he made it awkward, but it's hard looking at a guy you just started dating and telling him about what a manic episode consists of. But i told him. Because sooner or later it will rear its ugly head and he'll need to understand it. And because, for better or for worse, that's a part of who I am. I don't see a therapist. I'm not on medication. I have a problem and I deal with it the best way I can.

He dropped me off at Grace's apartment afterwards and I hung out with her and the boys. So much fun. It's fucking beautiful to find people you want to spend your days and years with.

electric feel...

2008-06-20T12:00:00.003-04:00

So I'm pretty sure I've hardly worked all week, but that's okay because who cares.

All I can think about is going for a tan and getting some sushi. I wish my friends weren't all working right now. Blegh. I called Rob but he was still in bed. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have met up with me for sushi anyhow because I made him hug me like a trillion times last night. I was being all needy and CRACK MY BACK FOR ME. Because that's what I do sometimes.

Oh, I dyed my hair and it turned black. SURPRISE SURPRISE.

a good day waits

2008-06-17T13:08:00.004-04:00

Let's talk about how anal-retentive I am.

I already started packing for Cuba. Mmhmm, that's right. My flight doesn't leave until 28th, but I'm already packing. Not only that, but I also have a luggage inventory list of everything that's being packed and which piece of luggage it will be packed in. I'm only going to bring 4 or 5 pairs of shoes. I already have 6 dresses packed. 5 pairs of shorts. 6 skirts.

Did I mention that I'm only going away for a week. The problem is, I over-prepare. Because if I find myself without the appropriate shoes or outfit I will lose my fucking mind. A little piece of that trip will be ruined for me because I won't look exactly the way I want to. Yes I realize how crazy that sounds.

But frankly, I'm far more likely to forget something crucial like toothpaste than a pair of brown wedged heels, or my silver clutch. Far more likely that I'll forget the jewelery I'm wearing for my sister's wedding than my copy of Naked Lunch.

Even more likely is that I'll leave something behind. Something reasonably important that I'll miss, but not important enough to fly back and retrieve.

Still lots to do before my trip, but I'm not feeling too stressed out yet. Everything will fall beautifully into place. And as long as my sister gets married and is happy....that's really all that matters.

P.S. The first picture is of me before Val's wedding shower a couple of weeks ago. The second is of me in my bedroom, trying to figure out if my legs always look stubby in pictures. The third is a close-up of the buttons on my black purse. The Tragically Hip pin was a gift from PatZ (thanks Pickles) and the fourth picture is of Pat Robitaille during his most recent show at The Last Class.

this city's a mess

2008-06-17T10:06:00.003-04:00

We pull over and lean up against the hood of his car to have a cigarette. It's dark everywhere and the thudding of waves on the shore is the only noise I can hear. There's a pathway down to the water, but it's steep and I don't trust myself.

"So have you figured out why you like me?" he asks, lighting my cigarette.

I exhale and shake my head.

"No, I sure haven't. But listen, if you have any ideas....if you can shed some light.....that'd be great," I reply, more dryly than I should have, probably. Everything leaves my mouth sounding more bitchy than I meant it to. I was kidding, after all.

"I think you're intrigued by me," he offers up.

"Nope, I was intrigued our first date. I'm over that now. It's got to be something else," I say. Still not looking at him.

"Okay, well then.....it's got to be my girlish figure," he says. But he says it really seriously, which makes is surprisingly funny.

I laugh.

"You know, I think you're exactly right. Because I don't like talking to you, or getting to know you.....I just really like the way you fill out a pair of jeans," I say, with a smile on my face.

spread those maps out on my bedroom floor

2008-06-16T09:08:00.003-04:00

2 weeks until cuba.

time to get my passport updated, i guess.

it's still valid for another 5 months so i say i should be able to use it.

but i'm not in the mood to argue with cubans so i guess i'll just have the goddamn thing renewed.

i thought about posting my old passport picture but it depressed me too much.

short hair. tiny eyebrows. i think i was also wearing dangly earrings. blegh.

also, i'm thinking about a post-cuba haircut. any ideas on what might look good on me? Nothing above the shoulders please. your writer is attached to her mane not unlike a child to its security blanket.

i'll look after you

2008-06-15T17:05:00.001-04:00

Rob sends me a picture of him and a front man from ages ago. In his world an epic front man.

And because I'm so cute and clever I respond with this:

Oh my god,

I remember this Rob. He had a James Dean charm and a Jordan Catalano dreaminess.

And no, I'm not explaining who Jordan Catalano is.

That's what IMDb is for, fool.

darling your head's not right

2008-06-11T11:10:00.004-04:00

I was having fucked up zombie dreams that eventually turned into like....colonial-time dreams. So I went from being scared to being just sort of...confused?

Oh, before I forget HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I'd tell you how old she is, but you;d never believe me, because she looks wicked good for her age. We're doing dinner at Val's place tonight. Oh, and that reminds me I have to pick up the last part of her gift today. STRESSFUL.

Tomorrow will be busy. Working 10am-2pm, dance recital from 7pm-10-pm, and then a concert from 10pm-1am. God my life is a whirlwind of champagne kisses and caviar dreams.

you say you wanna stand by my side.

2008-06-11T01:07:00.002-04:00

lactose-intolerant, but i just ate a mozzarella cheese-string. it was heavenly. it also reminded me of being on the serendipity princess with pat and taking a picture of him with cheese string hanging out of his nose. good times.

also, pat, the webcam you sent me is totally working now and i'm considering making my foray into youtube infamy. but what could i do that hasn't been done?

i feel like 2 girls 1 cup took the world's best idea away from me. le sigh.