LJ's Lessons In Life

Missing In Action.....For At Least Awhile

2009-05-04T19:38:00.002+08:00

I'm alive. Just. But I am alive.

It has been a whirlwind of a life for me since the last time I posted. I've been so snowed under that I haven't even blogged over at hisbliss.com. Most of the drama in our life is now over. We achieved our aim during the battle we were fighting. And I'm sorry if that sounds cryptic, but the court orders prevent me from discussing anything online. So for those who know what was going on and want the low down then feel free to email me. Those who don't know and would like to, again, email me and I'll fill you in.

Speaking of email, I've changed email addresses and the only one I am now using is lisajane@hisbliss.com, so if you could all change it, that would be awesome. And please feel free to shoot me an email so that I can re-add you email addresses to my new address book.

Ugh, have I been having a hell of a time with my weight loss journey. The anti-psychotic medication they were using to help me sleep was working wonderfully, but it was stacking on the weight and despite eating right and training hard, I found that I had put on over 2 kilos. Let me tell you, this shattered me and I was at a loss of what to do.

Thanks to my doctor, we've since found a new medication that doesn't make me gain weight and in fourteen days (with no training, just eating right), I had lost 2.3 kilos, so we were thrilled with that.

I have a goal I am working towards and its a big one. I will share it with you all over at the forum, due to the monster still reading here, I don't really want her in on what is something amazingly special and important to me.

We are back training strongly now that the school holidays are over and let me tell you, I am sore all over. My cardio is going well and I am finding that I am doing it because I want to, not because I need to. I've finally stopped looking at it as a chore and more of a help. My eating is going well. Even with my free meal, I am finding I am having it in the middle of the day and not going to far overboard with what it is I eat.

So, I am looking forward to being back on track. This week's small goal is to lose 800 grams to get me down to a low that I haven't been to in a long time. And despite the fact that it is TTOTM, I am determined to shift this 800 grams by next Monday morning, no matter what it takes. There is no reward for doing it this time, it is just for personal gain.

The hiding food and pigging out I am pleased to say has stopped. I still have a little bit of chocolate here and there, not very often, but I find a little now and then stops we wanting a lot all the time.

I am seeing a psychologist to deal with some of the issues in my life, and although it is early days, I am finding she is helping and that it has been easier to open up to someone new, than I thought it would be. She has been able to help me put some safeguards in place to help with my relationships and that is a big relief off my shoulders.

The dialouge with mending fences with my parents is going slowly, but I am in no rush. We are sending messages back and forth to each other via facebook and although they are mostly funny little jokes, I am thinking it is a start and I am so looking forward to building on that. And again, I say thankyou to the lovely Lia for that. Because it was when she spoke of losing her parents that she spurred me into action to make the move before it was to late for me. I want my children to know their grandparents and I want to learn all that I can about the people who raised me. Because there isn't a whole lot I know and it saddens me to say that.

Anyhow, right now, I am off to bed, but I will update my secret goal over at the forum either tonight or in the morning and I promise to be a better blogger from now and on.

Thank you to those who have emailed me and left me posts over at the forum telling me they miss me. I've missed you all too but I'm back now.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

xoxox

Proud Momma

2009-04-10T14:36:00.002+08:00

My beautiful first born Rhiannon has been offered some great opportunities to start modelling and these are a few of the shots that have come back to me.

Can we say proud much?

I am going to write a post over on my other blog tonight http://hisbliss.com where I can password it. If you want the password, just email me at hisbliss@achainedheart.com and I will gladly supply it for you.

Mortified Much?

2009-04-05T20:55:00.002+08:00

Very, very much to be honest, so much so, that my self esteem has taken a battering and a half.

I got motivated today and decided that even though Michael wasn’t training, I would still pull my socks up and head over for a work out. All good, I hear you say.
So why am I mortified?

Because I was asked to stop using a piece of gym equipment because I was too heavy for it and it might break.

Shall I give you a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor?

I had decided to do a bit of a cardio circuit and burn some serious calories and thought it was about time I tackled the elliptical cross trainer. So there I was, ipod blaring, burning some serious calories, sweating buckets and the gym employee taps me on the shoulder and tells me I need to get off the equipment because I was too fat and I might break it. And to add insult to injury, he tells me that I need to be 50 kilos or under before I can use it.

The rest of the cardio equipment was okay for me to use, but this one wasn’t. So I left. I was mortified. I felt my eyes well up with tears and my face turn red and my self esteem sink thru the floor. Yayyyyy me. What a lucky girl I am.

I cried most of the way home, but now? Now my self esteem has returned and I am as mad as hell. I like to pride myself on accepting people for who and what they are. I have friends that are thin, fat, tall and short. I have friends that aren’t even into fitness even though the majority are, but I would never judge the one’s who weren’t just because I am.

Now there are no instructors in this gym. The staff just wander in and out of the gym every now and then and they go back out to the desk and watch tv. It’s one of the gyms where people are just left to their own devices.

Well I wish to fuck I had of been left alone.

Too fat?

Excuse fucking me. I am sure that I am not the only bigger person whose ass has been on that machine and they hadn’t broken it. So why would I?

It amazed me. Totally amazed me and I can’t believe that I just let him say that to me and then I slunk away like a coward. I don’t know who I am more angry with. Him or myself. I am ashamed of myself for running away like a scared little rabbit. But I am angry that he said that to me.

I haven’t decided what to do about it yet. Whether I mention it to the manager or just let it go. If I do mention it to management, is it really going to make a difference. I am sure they have more than enough business coming thru the doors that they wouldn’t miss two people if we left.

I’ve always been dubious about going to new gyms. I don’t like the prying eyes and the way some people look at you and it was something I had never experienced at this place. And today it wasn’t from another gym goer but some one who is employed to be nice to the people who frequent the place.

I’m hurt, disappointed and frustrated. Add to that the fact my weight is not budding due to my medication I am about ready to throw in the towel.

But I wont.

I’m going back to the gym in the morning and I am going to get back on that cross trainer and if he says anything to me then I pity him.

Cos hell hath no fury like an LJ scorned.

No More Walking On Eggshells....

2009-03-24T17:06:00.002+09:00

Walking On Eggshells…

That’s what I’ve been doing of late. And I am so fucking tired of it and I know that Lia will be after me for my potty mouth, but that’s the only way I can think to say it and get across my frustration.

I’ve pretty much stopped blogging on both of my blogs. I censor what I write and I hide the real me and show people the me that I think they want to see.

BUT….

I have some lovely friends out there in the blog world and they love me for WHO I am, not what I am and most certainly not what I look like. Most of these lovely women are figure competitors or past competitors who look amazing, who come across as full of confidence and like they belong up there. And they are among the group who accept me for who I am.

Warts and all.

I am so tired of feeling like I have to conform to what society thinks I am supposed to look like. I’m not one of the lucky ones who manages to eat what they want and still look good. I have to work my ass off in the gym and even then I still struggle to lose weight. I have about 50 kilos to lose and this is the first time that I have ever admitted it publicly.

The question is why?

Because I’m ashamed of the condition I am in. I am ashamed to admit that nobody did this to me, but me.

How is that for a confession?

The other reason for my walking on eggshells is the ex monster and the fact that she scours my blogs and tries to glean every single piece of information she can from them and that not only annoys me but it bothers me.

It bothers me because I know she is not brave enough to face a fight without playing dirty or what she believes is dirty. I know she thinks I’m fat. No surprise there. Because I am. I know she thinks it’s funny to talk about me and my weight problems behind my back. I know she doesn’t hesitate to slander me to anyone that will listen and then try to twist their feelings to make them hate me before they even lay eyes on me.

I have no doubt that I am the butt of many of her jokes. And up until today it bothered me. It bothered me greatly and I don’t mind confessing that I’ve shed many tears over it. I shouldn’t but I do. Why? Because again, I’m human and if you cut me, I’ll bleed.

But today has been the turning point. Not only for me, but for Michael as well, because both of us are tired of walking on eggshells around ex’s, around kids, around anyone who wants to get in the way.

How sad is your life, if you have to talk about someone’s weight and make them the butt of your jokes when you don’t even know the person you are talking about.
So let’s put it out there shall we?

The photo’s on my face book are not me. I have never professed that they were. And I have never had any intention of doing so. I don’t have my photo up there because I don’t have many photo’s of me that I actually like and in the beginning I never really cared to much about what people thought. Now that I have made friends with a lot of the people on my list, I feel they have the right to know the truth.

I’M FAT. VERY FAT. FATTER THAN I SHOULD BE. BUT NOT AS FAT AS I WAS A FEW YEARS AGO.

I don’t use people’s weight, their looks, their dress sense or their skin colour against them. Why? Because I know what it’s like to have it done to me. And I wouldn’t want to cause anyone that pain.

I have bi-polar.

Wow, who doesn’t have a mental illness these days?

I take medication for it, my doctor and my psychologists monitor it and my husband helps me deal with it as well.

God forbid I should be allowed out in public or around children, perhaps it would be safer to lock me up and throw away the key.

I have to work hard to keep my eating under control and I am sure that I’m not the only person who confesses to that. I am sure there are many, many people out there who have the same problem. I guess there are just some out there who think they are perfect but they need to remember that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Should they?

I have to work hard in the gym and I do. I am not one of the gym girlies who wears make up and doesn’t sweat. I train with my husband and he pushes me hard. Yes I sweat in there, I stomp my feet and I even grunt and groan like a meat head. Good lord above. Somebody alert the media.

Am I coming across as sarcastic? Because I’m not trying to. Much.

All I know is this.

I’m fat. I need to lose weight and I am. Not as fast as I would like but it’s happening and when it does happen it will stay off. I’m not perfect, I won’t ever claim to be. My husband doesn’t like bigger women, so I’m lucky that he loves me enough to help me lose it and contrary to popular belief I’m not doing it to keep him. I’ve never been the whiney, sooky kind of woman who needs a man to make me feel fulfilled. I have bi-polar and I manage it as best I can.

So if people think that I am going to censor my posts for the sake of one person anymore, then they are dead fucking wrong. This is my blog and I’ll say whatever the fuck I like. As long as I don’t denigrate anyone here, then there is nothing anyone can do or say.

So *I* am going back to my happy place and my happy life and my wonderful but at times stressful relationship with my Michael. The people who come here and read and don’t like what they say better use the big red X in the corner and just piss off before their poor teeny feelings get hurt. And they best not let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. Cos last time I checked *I* controlled my life. If reading about my less than perfect life takes the heat off the monsters than hey, I’m glad to help. Cos I have something that they won’t ever have.

And that is Michael’s love and that’s just the way it is. Not to mention the gorgeous group of women I call my friends.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to take my fat ass off to cook dinner. Cos I am gonna win the bet I have with my husband at the end of the week. Ed Hardy jeans here I come.

I feel better now.

Done, Dusted And Worn Out

2009-02-09T20:38:00.001+09:00

Done and Dusted Part Two...

Back today. I love back. It’s my favourite day along with chest and bi’s I love it to bits. I always manage to get in there and surprise myself. It’s only recently that I have started suffering DOMS after training back and I am most thrilled about it.

Not much has happened since my last post. We have been focused on the fires, much like everyone else. Our small boys were in the path of the fire for awhile but luckily the wind changed in the nick of time and they were and still are safe and well. It was a huge relief for hubba hubba hubby and I.

I am getting back in the swing of things where school is concerned. I have had to reorganise my sleeping patterns so that I can get my butt out of bed in time to get my cardio done. Most mornings I start at 9.00am so it requires my dragging myself out of bed by 6.00am. Gives me plenty of time to do what I need to do around the house, get Montana off to school, feed Michael and myself and then run out the door. We are starting to get into the swing of things now and the homework is coming thick and fast and I am most excited about it. I know, I know, I must be insane. But I’m glad that I love it, all I need to do is get myself into a routine with the study and I will be set. It wasn’t as easy to schedule as I thought. Especially with kids, training, housework etc. I’ll preserve and get it organised before I know it. I wanted this for the longest time so there is no way I am going to stuff it up with something so simple.

Food has been good today. The cafeteria at school has lots of stuff, mostly fried and the smell of it wafts into the classroom and it doesn’t smell remotely tempting. If anything, the smell of the oil makes me feel sick. I’ve been taking along protein powder and having that or wandering down to the plaza and getting myself a healthy sandwich.

As I mentioned before we trained back today. Half an hour cardio this morning and this evening. Good eating. Lots of water.
So, like I said.

Done and dusted.

Done And Dusted..

2009-02-07T20:23:00.003+09:00

I’m afraid tonight.

Everything around us is burning. We are surrounded by big ass bushfires that don’t seem to be getting any better. Even here in downtown suburbia, there is a street that went up in flames and five houses were burnt to the ground.

Even with the windows and doors closed, my house smells like smoke. And I am afraid. I know that my house isn’t in danger. It’s just frightening when all I have seen in the news all day and night is death and destruction.

This fire hit close to home for us. Our babies live in one of the areas that was affected and could have easily been trapped in the fire or lost their home. Thankfully the winds changed and they were out of danger but it is still a scary thought when it is so close to home.

Even sitting here in our bedroom, I can hear fire trucks roaring past , I can smell the smoke and I am worrying what will happen if the fire does get to us. I may have been a little out of control, but I have gathered all of our photos and Michael’s bodybuilding trophies and they are near the door in case of something happening. The worst thing that can happen is I will have to spend some time putting them back where they belong. But better to be safe rather than sorry. We don’t have too many memories together, but the one’s we have I am damn well going to save.

There isn’t too much else to say at the moment. It’s just a wait and see situation. All I know is I will be so very glad when 46 degree days are over and done with. I hate seeing the loss and the destruction that people have to go through. And when I see it, all I can think is I am glad it wasn’t us. Shallow, but honest. I don’t know what I would do if we lost everything. Thank god I haven’t yet had to find out. I keep looking around our bedroom and wondering if the time really did come just what I would collect first. The photos of our babies? Michael’s bodybuilding trophies? Clothes? Photo’s of my beautiful grandbaby? I just don’t know. And again, I pray that I will never have to find out.

The title of this post refers to the end of something. I know. And I am sure there are people out there wondering what it refers to. It's the end of a relationship. One that meant the world to me. Something I held dear to me and kept close to my heart. But today? It ended and I don't know how to move on from it.

I know the monster is still snooping here and I have become quite accustomed to it. I try not to mention it very often, but on days like this I feel I have to. I am sure the monster is reading this post and rubbing its hands together with glee. But I hate to upset it. It's not the end of the relationship that she was hoping for.

Tonight, we are having a memorial service for the death of my first pair of training gloves. Yes, that's right, they have died and gone to gym heaven.

Rest in peace my little friends, I shall never forget you.

On a different note.

Things have been frantic around here, hence my lack of attendance in the blog world and on the forum. I have missed you all terribly, but being thrown headfirst into the first week of University has sent me into a panic. I am now having to get home, feed the family, train at the gym, do my cardio, study, sleep and still be a wife and a mother. I am slowly getting there and since this is only the first week, then I am sure I will get it together. It is Saturday night and I am catching up on blog posts, emails, blog reading and me time, before I dive headfirst into a book that I need to have read by Monday morning. Nothing like a deadline to help you procrastinate some more. Right?

Anyway, I promise to update here more often. Ohh and here is the pic of my new Ed Hardy bag that Michael got me. It retails for about $700 so I am feeling awfully loved and spoilt right now. And it's green, one of my favourite colors.

Have a great weekend.

Ed Hardy Still Rocks

2009-02-06T20:01:00.003+09:00

I would have to be the luckiest girl in the world you know. For the longest time I have wanted an Ed Hardy handbag. Actually to tell the truth I want anything Ed Hardy cos I just love it.

Anyway, my beautiful husband got me the bag pictured above. Why? For no reason other than he loves me and he wants to see me happy.

I think I am too scared to wander around with it because the damn thing is worth $700and it's in my favourite color. GREEN!

So, let me ask again. Who is the luckiest girl in the world?

Me me me me!

I have a proper post for here that I will finish tomorrow. Right now I am off to bed.

xox

Proud Mummy

2009-02-02T18:16:00.002+09:00

Here is our baby on her first day of high school.

I had a tear in my eye when I dropped her off.

I'm getting old.

Ghosts Appear And Fade Away..

2009-01-26T18:21:00.000+09:00

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

Crushed...

2009-01-23T20:21:00.001+09:00

“If I want different, I have to be prepared to do different"

Lia lives by this mantra and I am starting to believe it is one that I need to follow. Why?

Because I’m doing the same things now, that I was always doing. And using the same excuses for doing them. And I am so damn sick of it. Excuse after excuse and I write here about changing them and doing things the right way. But still I do the wrong thing.

I binge, when I’m alone. I eat and eat until I feel so sick that I can’t move. Then I feel like utter crap for doing so and beat myself up for days. I don’t confess to Michael that I do. But I am sure he knows. I feel so bad. The minute I stop eating I am filled with this shame and revulsion. An absolute horror that I have done the very thing I know I shouldn’t and that I really don’t want to.
When did I become so weak? When did I become so cowardly? When did I just let myself go and fall in a heap? When did I become so sneaky that I hid chocolate and other shit food around the house? And when did I become so desperate for it that I get up in the middle of the night and shovel it down my throat?

I hate it. I hate me. I hate my pathetic weakness and I hate that I can’t seem to get control over it. And I hate that I can’t sit down and just confess this to Michael. Why? Because I don’t want to appear anymore weak and pathetic that I already know I am. He expects so much of me. By saying that I mean he knows that I have it in me to do it, he just doesn’t understand why I can’t and either do I. I don’t even LIKE the crap I am eating. Yet I still do it.

It’s been suggested to me that the issues from my past have something to do with my eating problems and I know it is right. And until I get my eating and my binging under control then my weight issues are going to remain and it will keep see sawing up and down and it will never be stable.

I have emailed Liz Nelson about my eating and she has emailed me back. With money so tight at the moment any plans I had of working with her to get my eating on track has gone right out the window. I’m disappointed. Much more disappointed than I care to admit. I didn’t mention it to Michael. I don’t know if he would understand it. But it doesn’t matter now as I just can’t afford to make it happen.

So I wonder where I will go with all of this now. I just can’t make this eating work for me. I have tried to concentrate on getting through one meal at a time. But it doesn’t seem to make much difference. I still stuff it up. I have tried the boiled chicken and green veg diet. I have tried the limited calorie stuff and I know that it works but still I hide and I binge. If I can’t get some help to get this under control, I wonder what will happen. Where it will end? How I will ever learn to get it under control?

I am so tired of it. I am tired of working my ass of in the gym and then blowing it all with the binge eating. My training is great. My eating is shit. And my self esteem is shit. It’s in the toilet and nonexistent. I don’t think I deserve my husband, the good life I have, the friends I have.

I don’t think I deserve anything.

At all.

Until I get it under control.

Only problem is I don’t know where to begin or who to turn to.

Lucky me.

Not.

Insanity...

2009-01-20T16:16:00.002+09:00

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field of all Your Cheques, write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Brain Fart...

2009-01-17T19:13:00.003+09:00

My new jammies (for Lia) due to the comment she made on the forum last night.

My new Guess watch my beautiful husband bought me today, to go with my white gold earrings (that I also got today) and my wedding and engagement rings I got for Christmas.

Last night, for the strangest, most unknown reason, I asked Michael if He had another girlfriend. Why in fuck I did it, I have no idea. All I know is, I did. I know how inane it sounded from the moment it was out of my mouth, but I asked it nonetheless.

I know full well He doesn’t have another girlfriend. He has His hands full with me and I know that He loves me totally. I must be mentally insane to even have the question pop in my head. The man does everything He could possibly do to see a smile on my face. He takes me where I want to go and gives me what it is I want and need. Sometimes it’s something small, other days it is something huge (like my rings, my new earrings and my new watch).

He works His ass into the ground. Not one job but two. And He does it without complaint. Yet, I come up with a dumb ass question.

Anyhoo.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say. I am tired and my mood is low. I feel like I am about to burst into tears at any moment.

It is 9.05pm on a Saturday night and I am already in my pyjama’s and in bed with a DVD.

Such a party animal am I.

I love my husband. More than life itself.

Epiphany Or A Lightbulb Moment...

2009-01-15T20:51:00.002+09:00

I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. Well, I don’t know about an epiphany but I did a come to a realisation about some things and I am just about ready to close a chapter in my life that has long been causing me pain.

I had a best friend many years ago. His name was Warren and today, is the anniversary of his death. He took his life due to the fact that things weren’t the best with his family and his relationship. He and I had many talks over the years before his death and he constantly told me that I should just give up on the fact that my parents would change. Because they wouldn’t and he was right, they haven’t and they won’t and today I have finally come to the realisation that it really doesn’t matter.

I’ve been carrying around so much shame and guilt. Guilt! Over the torment he put me through. I thought, for the longest time, that it was MY fault. I kept thinking that maybe if I was better, maybe if I tried harder. All of that stuff.
And I have finally accepted that it wasn’t.

It never was and it never will be.

It was HIS fault.

Wasn’t he supposed to love me? To protect me? To keep me safe? All of the above and more. And he failed at all of it. All he succeeded in doing was making me feel cheap and worthless.

I have decided that my father is dead to me. This is the way it has to be and the only chance I have at getting on with a guilt free life. I am so over carrying this shit around with me and after reading some of Lia’s posts over the last few months I’ve come to the realisation that if I want something to be a certain way then I have to make it so.

I found the song below a long time ago and it has always been one of my favourites. I thought of the lovely Lia when I heard it tonight and decided to put it on here for her to hear.

I always wanted it to remind me of my father, but it doesn’t.

Not now.

Not ever.

But if it brings some joy to someone else, then I’m happy.

I am off to bed early tonight because of the big training session with Sgt Evil tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Unwanted Visitors

2009-01-13T20:08:00.002+09:00

Before I start this post, I have to apologise to the lovely Lia, she is so going to punish me for my potty mouth. But I just had to use this graphic.

I am still getting visits from the person who shall be known as the pain in the ass (and she knows who she is). It amazes me, that everytime she wants to come and spy on my life, she goes running off to google and searches for my blog. I thought I should do my civic duty and tell her that it will probably save her a lot of time if she just bookmarks it. Duh!

Personally, I wish she would just fuck off. But if coming here and reading my blog is what gets her through the night. Then let her knock herself out. Personally, all of us in this house find it rather amusing and we are actually running a competition to see who can guess the number of visits I get from her a day.

I'm winning...

Anyhow, onward and upward and all that shit.

Today was a good day for me. I got up early, was feeling awake and not wanting to go to bed. I missed breakfast cos the cupboards were bare. But I made up for it a little later. Had a nice lunch and trained my legs until they were obliterated tonight. And now I am relaxing after a nice healthy dinner of egg whites and chicken breast.

I have to thank you all for the wonderful comments you left on my blog and on the forum. They moved me to tears and I am starting to see that I am not as horrible as I like to believe. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

I achieved a few things today that have been troubling me for the longest time. I got through a whole day without cheating on my eating. Everything was good and on plan. No chocolate, no nothing. Just clean and healthy all the way. I've made it through 2 litres of water and am starting on my 3rd litre.

It's not really a big thing to most people, but to me it's a huge thing. It just goes to show me that I can do it, I just have to want to and after my big post over the weekend, I've realised that I do want it. And I want it for nobody else but me.

And I will achieve it.

I can't wait for Friday and Saturday. On Friday, I am going over to train with Lia and then with Lia and Katie on Saturday. The support that Lia has given me is amazing and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Now I feel like I have another person I can't let down. If Michael knows I am capable of it and Lia knows I can do it, then there shouldn't be anything stopping me.

And their isn't.

Onwards and upwards from here and nobody is going to get in my way.

Watch out world, here I come.

xox

Some Honesty....

2009-01-11T16:32:00.002+09:00

Okay, so it’s time for some real honesty now. Thanks to Lia and the hard hitting questions she asks. I have to confess, that I haven’t been honest with myself, which in turn means I can’t really be honest with everyone else.

I’ve taken the easy way out on this blog and I’ve taken the easy way out on the forum too. Part of the reason for this is there is someone who keeps coming to this blog and reading what I post and I think, they have also followed me to the forum and they are trying to collect information. Most of you already know about the person I am referring to and even now, that I have blocked the IP, I am still a little worried about what I say due to the fact that it could be used against me.
The other part of the reason I haven’t posted the real truth here is because I don’t like myself. I don’t. I have issues that stem much deeper than just me not liking myself. Like I posted a few days ago, I was a victim of abuse at the hands of my father and my uncle. I have very few recollections of my childhood. There are fragmented memories that I can recall, the other memories that have returned to me were bought out when I was under hypnotherapy with my psychiatrist.

My mother, says she hates me and would rather that I was dead. My father, despite having a criminal record for sexual assault, tells everyone HE is innocent and never did anything to me. For a lot of years, I have blamed myself for everything that has gone bad in the life of everyone in my family.

I have lived in darkness and hid from the light. Very poetic that phrase eh? And I am not trying to be poetic. I have been scared to post about my bipolar disorder, in fear that it would used against me. I have been scared to reveal my true self in case people wouldn’t like me. I’m fat. I’m overweight and I hate it. And if I hate it, I have always wondered why anyone else would possibly like me. And I always doubted that anyone would ever love me.

My husband is the most beautiful man in the world. Inside and out and he loves me. I don’t know why. He could have any woman he wanted yet he wants me. And I keep asking myself why.

Michael tells me that why he loves me doesn’t matter and he is right. The reasons don’t matter. All that matters is he does. I need to learn to accept that. And I hope that one day I will.

I don’t have many female friends. I have facebook friends and forum friends. But in the real world, there are no female friends in my world. As much as I am out there, I am very shy when it comes to making friends. Take for instance the friends I have on the forum and fb. I often wonder why these amazingly fit and healthy women would want to be friends with me.

I’m just a fat chick, who eats shit food more than she should and trains hard at the gym in hope of being thin again and one day standing on stage. You know, here and on the forum is the only place that I admit that. I don’t think my husband has any idea of how much it means to me to get out there on the stage.

He looks so good for his age. He worked hard to get there and he works hard to stay there. So why don’t I tell him? Because I’m embarrassed to tell him. I’m this fat chick who has such a long way to go and I don’t want it to seem like I am putting the horse before the cart. But I just feel like I need a goal to work towards. And getting on stage is the goal.

While we are on the topic of being honest, there are boxes in our house that I haven’t unpacked yet. I have been home for four months. Yet there are boxes that are still full of stuff that I need and there are photo frames that I am yet to put up on the wall. Why? Because I feel as though if I put them up then I will only have to take them down.

If I leave them packed, then when the axe falls on my relationship, then I won’t need to pack them again will I? When I go back and read that statement it screams to me that I don’t have faith in my husband. But I do. I guess I am just so used to the bad stuff happening that it is easier to believe it.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the way I think is due to the bipolar disorder. And I know that some of it is. I also know that a lot of it is due to the kind of childhood I had and the treatment I have received at the hands of my mother and father.

I take medication for my bipolar and I don’t often tell people, because again I think wow would people want to be friends with the crazy bipolar lady. I take a lot of pain killers from my knee injury and for the injuries I sustained in the most recent car accident. Again, I often wonder why would people want to be friends with the pain killer lady.

As I said before I hate myself. I think it’s myself I hate. Or maybe it’s the image I have of myself. I don’t fit in with the mothers club at the local school because I don’t like gossip and I am not the ladies who lunch type. I prefer to surround myself with people who love to train and who will constantly challenge me and never let me rest on my oversized ass.

I hate the fact that I am fat. That I’ve always struggled with my weight and I have been judged on being the fat chick by people in my past. I don't want to be fat anymore.

And now I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t want to remain the fat chick. I want to lose my weight and get back to a healthy size. I am afraid to ask my husband for more help. Because he gets so frustrated when I go along really well and then I stuff it all up by binge eating and he doesn’t understand why. He thinks that it’s just a case of not being strong enough and He thinks everyone has the willpower he has. Please, don’t think I am complaining about him because I’m not. He is the only person in my life who has been around through all the horrible times and loved me regardless.

Makes me wonder how much of this I am bringing on myself. If I can’t ask him for help, who can I ask. I thought about doing things the sneaky way and getting some outside help. But I wonder where to start and I wonder who in god’s name I would ask. I went to a gym in Dandenong the other week for a meeting with someone and I felt so uncomfortable in there because I was the only fat chick in the place. That is what stops me a lot of the time, wondering if people are laughing at my efforts (and I know it shouldn’t matter but to me it does). I have to stop wanting to gain everybody’s approval. But it’s something I have done all my life.
And I don’t know how to stop it.

Ugh. Now I sound like I am complaining.

Maybe I am but this is the most honest I have ever been. With myself and everybody else.

And I can assure you that right after I have posted this, I will be sitting here wondering if the people who read it will think I am nutty and I will be wondering will they still want to be my friend.

The question is why does all of this matter.

The answer is something I haven’t found yet.

But, all this being said, is taking a step towards honesty. Because it’s the most honest I have been in a long time.

And I feel better for it in a way.

But I can’t explain how.
xox

Yep! Again! Or Just Call Me Lil Miss Popular....

2009-01-09T21:05:00.002+09:00

LMAO. Just call me Miss Popularity. Cos that is indeed what I am. At least to one person out there. Now that this person has been blocked by my IP deny manager (thankyou to my web hosts/gurus for that) I can say whatever the hell I like.

You know, *I* honestly believe it would take an idiotic person to go against what was stated in a court order. But still, there are mental defects out there who seem to think that checking my blog 4,000 times a day (okay, maybe 4,000 times is an exageration, more like 3,999 times) JUST to read my words of wisdom. Umm yeah right.

I don't buy into that shit to easily and the fact that they are still trying to get me too slip up just makes my mind boggle. You would think that some people need to get a life wouldn't you?

See for yourself all the attention I attract from a person who claims they don't care what I do.

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Anyhow, on a better note. I promised that I would update more regularly so lets do it. Today was a better day. In all aspects. I didn't train, for the simple reason that we are training Saturday and Sunday instead of having them off. I ate well, I drank water (and am still drinking it), peed lots and did some cardio.

Tomorrow I am off to train back on my own because hubba hubba hubby is busy. It's times like these that I wish I had a few close friends in the area that were also into training. Just for the days when I don't want to train alone. Not to mention a friend with the same fitness goals as me. I had to cull a lot of friends when I came home, because they don't understand why I want to train and why I even bother. That and they find it fun to try and get me off track with the lure of fried food and sugary shit. Do they not realise that it isn't amusing? Haven't they put the clues together and figured out that friends like them are friends I don't need?

Oh but to have a fitness minded friend over this way.

Maybe if I pray hard enough one might magically appear.

Anyhow I am off to bed because I am worn out.

See you all tomorrow.

Ohh btw, Friday? Please feel free to stalk me all you like. It makes me feel special.

xox

My Bucket List....

2009-01-09T09:58:00.002+09:00

The picture above is my bucket list.

This is the woman I want to look like. There is a picture of her enlarged and stuck on my fridge for motivation. So yeah, I didn't have to go searching for mine, I found them all in one person. Lucky me.

I think I'd be luckier if I could look like that now. How awesome would it be to wake up in the morning, fall out of bed and just - be transformed?

I'm thinking part of it would be good and part of it would be bad. I love my training at the gym. Even when it is dreaded shoulder day. I get there and I am dragging my feet, but by the time I am finished, I am soooo glad I went.

I wish, of course, that I hadn't of let my weight get as out of hand as it did. And there are a million and one things I could say were the reason I did. But it wouldn't really be the truth now, would it? And here in LJ land, I do try to deal only with the truth. As dark and horrible as it may be.

I gained all the weight due to a car accident. Then after I was able to get up and walk again, I just got lazy. It was easier to say, I don't feel like driving to the gym today, I feel like a burger from Macca's instead. Never mind the fact that I had to drive PAST the gym to reach Macca's. Yeah, right. I don't know how to reconcile that one in my mind, cos I just can't.

I did this to myself and I have to undo it now. I can either sit here and feel sorry for myself, or bite the bullet and do something about it. And I've chosen to do something about it. But again, I've been thwarting my own efforts. I have a husband who is a kick ass training partner, he is one of my greatest sources of inspiration AND he is my own personal dietician. Yet I keep stuffing it up.

Why?

Good question, but alas, something I don't have an answer to.

Why do I still eat chocolate and potato chips when I don't want to look this way anymore. I know I have to tighten this up. I have to drink more water and eat better food and stop snacking on bad stuff.

I have said it over and over again since the first of January 2009, that I am tightening it up and I have still not tightened it up totally. So this morning I did. It is now 12.10pm and I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't and I've got a large bottle of water next to me as well. I've had some diet jelly for a snack and I am about to munch on an apple. When hubba hubba hubby gets up, I am going to take HIM and myself off to the gym and smash back and then hit some cardio.

Note to self: YOU NEED TO DO CARDIO EVERYDAY OR YOU WONT GET RID OF YOUR BIG ASS.

How's THAT for some cold hard truth.

I'm the only one who can do this. I have a great support network around me. Some awesome family and friends who are all more than happy to give me the motiviation, but I am the only one that can do the work.

So here it is.

I AM BACK ON TRACK AS OF THIS MORNING AND I WILL NOT FIND EXCUSES TO PUT IT OFF. I AM GOING TO BE IN MY ED HARDY TOP AND MY NEW JEANS BY VALENTINES DAY.

And I give all of you out there who read me, full permission to kick me in my ass if I don't do it. All kicks in the ass are welcomed and much appreciated.

So yeah, ummm kick away. I think. LOL.

Have to confess I was as disappointed as HELL that I couldn't train with the lovely Lia this morning. The joys of having bi-polar mean that sometimes doctors appointments have to be scheduled whenever you can fit them in and everything else has to go via the wayside. At least until next week.

I know I promised that I would update here more often, but the unwanted visitor is still lurking. Again, I don't know what they hope to find, the only stuff talked about here is me and my fat butt. So whatever they are searching for, they will not find. Unless they have some kind of fatal attraction to my butt. And hey, if that is the case, then they should tell me and I will email them a pic. I'm kinda getting creeped out. Having a stalker isn't all that fun.

BUT. And I say BUT, I have found a way to stop the unwanted visitor and after I post this up on my blog, I will be off to thwart their efforts at wanting to live my life and sticking their nose in at everytime.

Can we say bye bye stalker? Indeed we can. See:

BYE BYE STALKER!

Woohooo, I feel all empowered and shit. I am woman hear me roar etc, etc.

Back later with more.

xoxo

In The Living Years....

2009-01-02T19:10:00.000+09:00

I was listening to this song tonight, on the way home from the gym and it made me start to think about parents. Or the lack thereof in my case. It’s no secret that I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. In fact, it’s beyond the point of repair I think. I’ve thought about trying to repair it but after a conversation I had with my sister on Christmas day, I am starting to wonder if it is worth even trying or will I just walk away even more hurt than before or will I get the closure that I want.

I don’t know if I want to fix things because I want them in my life or if I am doing it for the kids. Sometimes I think it is just for the kids. But other times I think it is for me. I don’t think I want us to be a wonderful kind of Walton’s family. The thought of that is just beyond the realms of impossibility.
I think, that I want them to see me in a different way to the way that they do. I want them to look at me and my family and see that I am not the same person I used to be. Is it that I want their approval? Perhaps. Do I want them to admit that they were wrong about me? Yes. Do I want them to tell me that they were wrong? Yes. Will it make a difference? I don’t think so. And that is what saddens me.

It is a whole mixed up mess that I believe is impossible to sort out. They believe that they are right. I know they are wrong. There is not one person in my family, myself included, that can say they did nothing wrong. Each and every one of us made mistakes. Each and every one of us did something wrong and each and every one said things that we shouldn’t of. The sad part is, not all of us are able to admit we that. I can admit it, my sister can admit it, my brother can admit it. But my parents, can’t and won’t admit it. In their eyes, they are right and *WE* are wrong. And to top it all off, in the middle of everything, right while I am writing this post, my father calls. He doesn’t want to talk to me, just the kids. But they call my phone. Can we say rude much?

These are MY children. Children I have raised ALONE after fighting my own parents to get them back. These are MY children. Children I have had to lie to so that they didn’t think my parents were bad people for not being in my life. And I am so damn sick of it. I’m sick to the back teeth of pretending that this bullshit kind of behaviour is okay. I am sick of pretending that we were a happy little family. Because we weren’t. And I am sick to fucking death of telling everyone that *I* was the reason my children had no grandparents.

Let’s put it out there shall we.

I was a victim of sexual abuse. At the hands of my FATHER. The one person in the world I should have been able to trust. But that I couldn’t. But according to my parents, I lied. If it wasn’t enough that my father put me through that kind of trauma, so did his evil fucking brother. And they knew about that. His brother, over the years, had molested his OWN children. So with that knowledge in mind, why did they leave me alone with him? It’s beyond me. So, if anyone knows WHY I should want to forgive these people, please let me know. Because I can’t get my head around it. Not at all. Especially not after the phone call I just received.

Why am I not mad at him for putting me through that shit? Why am I not mad at him for letting his brother do those things to me? Why does it matter to me what they think about me, when it hasn’t all those years before? It is because I am a grandmother now? Is it because I could never imagine turning my back on my own children? Is it because I am fucking insane?

It’s beyond me. Really beyond me.

And now, I am thinking that I don’t really care. That it doesn’t really matter.

Not now. Not after hearing the man who is supposed to be my father talk to me like I was a complete and utter stranger.

They don’t want me. They don’t need me.

And I don’t need them.

I don’t need their forgiveness.

I don’t need their approval.

I don’t need them to acknowledge all the steps I’ve taken to become the person I am now.

I have all I want and need right here.

Don’t I?

On Being Slack Or Why I Haven't Posted...

2008-12-30T19:11:00.002+09:00

So, the question is WHY haven't I posted? The answer is easy. I've got an unwanted visitor. There is someone lurking around my blog whom I wish would go away. Why they feel it neccessary to keep coming here I don't know. All I know is that they keep coming and its starting to annoy me. I know they keep coming here because my statcounter gives me their IP address and all the other information about them. I do know that I am contacting my lawyers tomorrow so that I can begin some sort of legal action for harrassment. That and I am contemplating contacting their workplace to enlighten them of their employees need to keep visiting my blog on a work computer. Hopefully, that will be enough to make them go away. If not, then I will have to make the blog private.

Other than that, things have been up and down in the world according to LJ. Christmas came and went and an awesome time was had by all. You've all seen the pics of my rings and very soon I will be posting some pics of the new and improved LJ. There is still a long way to go and I am a work in progress my beautiful husband tells me. His protegee is what he calls me. Not that I mind.

We've been back training since Saturday and it seems to be booming along. I am finding my weights are going up each time I train and today was 130lb seated rows. Have to be excited by that! Eating has been nice and healthy and very, very clean. Another thing to be excited about.

I was thinking today how much I love training with my Michael. I am so glad that our love of the gym is something that we have in common. Its something that I know irritated others in his life because they had no desire to get involved. For me? Its just another thing we have in common that strenghtens our bond.

I am on the hunt for some new recipes to add to the ever growing catalogue that I have. So if anybody has some, please feel free to let me know.

I am also starting to ramp up the walking now. Have to get into practice for the 5km walk I am going to go on with the lovely Lia. Its for an awesome cause and I can't wait to do it.

Anyway, thats about it from me for now.

I promise to stop being so slack with my posting and update a little more regularly.

xoxo

I Did It...I Did It

2008-12-19T17:09:00.002+09:00

And indeed I did...

I got my rings on and with absolutely no effort. They slid on like they had been made to fit my finger. Like I said in my earlier post, my beautiful husband had them resized small than originally planned. And I have to confess I was scared witless that they wouldn't fit.

But they did.

And to say I am excited is an understatement.

I was supposed to be waiting until christmas day to get them, but seeing as neither of us as to in to christmas this year, he decided to give them to me today. I am so looking forward to seeing my two girls that nothing could possibly top it. And I don't mean that in a bad way either.

I am not too worried about the Ed Hardy top at the moment, for the simple reason it is going to be way to cold to wear it. Not to mention the fact that I just don't think I have achieved that goal. The new jeans goal hasn't been reached yet, but I am still working towards this. I am not looking at this as a failure but rather as just working towards it a little slower. Hopefully to make sure that when I get there this time, I will stay there.

The lovely Lia left a response to one of my posts over on the forum the other day, and she said that it didn't matter how many times I failed and I've realised that is right. So I am taking everything slowly now. I am not in a hurry to learn all my lessons over again.

I don't really care if I am not dressed perfectly and wearing new jeans on christmas day. All I care about is that my family is together, everyone is happy and healthy and that all of our children have a great day. This is the first full family christmas Michael and I have had together and we are both looking forward to it so much.

My eating has been off lately. Due to an unexpected trip, the fact that we haven't been able to get to the gym to train and that life has thrown us so many curveballs we haven't had time to breathe. But I am home again and we are back on track from tomorrow morning.

I got a nasty surprise this afternoon when I got on the metal monsters. They told me I had gained four kilos. Umm yeah, rightio then. I doubt it, I seriously doubt it. Not in a week and a half anyway. I am so exasperated with them and just glad that I am not relying on what they say anymore. As long as my clothes keep getting loser and my rings still fit nicely then I know I am safe.

Other than that there is not a lot I can report. I can't, I'm afraid, tell you all what happened in court the other day here. Due to a court order prohibiting anyone talking about it on the internet my lips are sealed. Never fear, I have contact details for most of you, so if you want to know what the outcome was, then feel free to email me.

I'm off to wrap up christmas presents and get organised. It is only three sleeps now and my two girls will be here and I am counting the minutes.

Have a great night!

xoxo

Amused and Bewildered

2008-12-17T16:46:00.002+09:00

And I must be. Want to know why? Then please, read on.

You have to love statcounter. I know that I do. It’s a handy little tool that tells me who is on my blog, where they come from, their ISP, the suburb and country they come from, what posts on my blog they’ve read and how long they’ve stayed for. And it amazes me just who turns up and how long they stay. I seriously had no idea that what I wrote was of such great importance for people who hate bodybuilding and have no apparent interest in the lifestyle I live.

Unless of course they are coming here to live vicariously through me. Because they don’t have the will or the emotional fortitude to live it themselves. Maybe they want to but they are to scared? Maybe they just don’t have the brains. Oh well, it’s kind of nice to know that my boring little existence is so interesting to someone else.

Wow, I have my very own stalkers and I’m sorry, but I have to confess I am less than impressed. Although I am a little bewildered and slightly amused. I wonder just what on earth they think they are going to learn about me by snooping here.

Here's a hint. Try emailing me and asking or better yet, leave a comment. If you dare.

I'll be back with a more substantial post later. So much has been going on in my world that I haven't had time to breathe. Until today that is.

xoxox

Mummy Moment And I'm A Worn Out LJ

2008-12-11T21:29:00.002+09:00

Here is the most recent photo of my beautiful husband and our beautiful daughter Montana. It was her grade six graduation tonight and she shone up there like the bright star she is. We are both so proud of her. Her teacher told us tonight that she has fit in like she was there all along and that it isn't at all obvious that she only started school there three months ago.

I'm tired and worn out today. We trained legs this afternoon and I went heavier again on most sets. I managed to increase my weight only the leg press to 90kg which I was very happy about. Gotta love it. We had home made chicken and pineapple pizzas for dinner tonight. Quick, easy and guilt free.

I'm so very tired tonight and I am off to bed.

xoxox

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

2008-12-10T00:58:00.002+09:00

I suppose the title of this post pretty much says it all, and if you were unsure, then the graphic probably would have cleared it up for you. I'm so tired that it's beyond funny. It is 3.02am on Wednesday morning and I am blogging. Why? Because I've just gotten home from work and I am far to wired up to sleep.

I got home this morning at 2am, only to get a phone call from the scatterbrain who is staying at work, telling me that she set the alarm off and could I come back and turn it off. Can I say fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck. Hmm I think I just did. So back IN the car I get, drive all the way BACK to work, unlock the place and turn off the alarm. How did the alarm go off? She opened the door to go out for a smoke. Christ on crutches I could throttle people when they tell me stuff like that and the last words I said to them were DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR OR THE ALARM WILL GO OFF.

Anyhow, I digress, so let's get back on track.

Things are going okay in the land of LJ. I am, as I said, very tired. I am feeling rather foggy at the moment due to the meds I am on. I am mixing two together at the moment and although they don't increase my appetite, they do effect my mental alertness. I do things like forget to post the letters in my hand when I am in front of the letter box. I go off into vague land when I am supposed to be cooking something and then wonder how it burnt. And the best one's are the fact that I am seeing spots before my eyes and my sex drive is out the window. And that sucks the worst.

I've spoken to my doctor about it and it's only another two weeks before the original medication he started me on will be working well enough that I can drop the second. And then the fuzzy vague feeling will go away. It's affecting everything I do, right down to my training. It's very hard to lie flat on a bench and hold a loaded bar above your head when the room is spinning. Thank god for Michael always being there to spot me. Now if only he could fix the bi-polar and then I wouldn't need antipsychotics anymore.

I had an arguement with someone the other day about my medications. Apparently anti-psychotics are for people with a mental illness and bi-polar isn't a mental illness. Last time I checked it was. The question then asked of me then, was do I really think it is severe enough to warrant medication or do I make it seem worse than it is to get good drugs from the doctor.

Sure, I LOVE the side effects. Between the no appetite, no sex drive, spots before my eyes, constant headaches, tiredness, falling asleep in the middle of the day and so on and so forth, it makes me wonder what goes on in peoples heads and it seriously tells me that the fact that I don't disclose my illness to everyone, was the right decision.

I have shared it recently in a post on the forum and I share it with those closest to me like my children, my family and Michael. But other than that I pick the people I tell carefully, because I refuse to have it used against me anymore and if people can't handle it? Then stiff shit for them.

We trained today. Yaaay us! We smashed chest and bi's and I went heavier again in some exercises, but found I was lacking in others. I am not to concerned about it, because I know that everyone has an off few days. I know this for a fact, because my beloved husband was in the same boat last week. Today is tighten the belt day. Time to suck it up and stop making excuses. I want to blitz it for the new two weeks and really make it work for me, that means cardio twice a day with no excuses and training four days a week. It's not my training that is lacking, its my committment to the cardio and I know I have to find a way to learn to love it. I know I just have to suck it up and make it part of my daily routine.

Food has been all over the place but it can't have been to bad as the scales are showing a one kilo drop yet again. So slow and steady and when I get up in the morning it won't be crumpets I have for breakfast but oats. I love my oats and I am glad I am having them again.

I have a full day today and while I am having breakfast, I will be preparing my food for the day to take with me, so that I have no excuses to eat off plan. Seeing as I got a bit of a bonus in my pay this week, I will be going out to by a cooler bag to lug my food around in. So if any of you lovelies out there in blogland have suggestions of what type to buy and where I can get one from, please, just shout.

On that note, I am going to take my now tired butt to bed and snuggle my husband. I have to be up in five hours and its going to pass very quickly.

Night shift sucks.

xoxox

Lorna Jane and KOKO Black Or Who's A Spoilt LJ?

2008-12-05T17:26:00.002+09:00

I've had such a big day today. We had more court related stuff that we had to attend today. For me? That meant sitting in the waiting room of a family therapist for two hours and then spending twenty minutes with her myself. These are the things we do for the people we love and I would go through anything for Michael if it meant we could have our beautiful sons back in this house.

Anyhow, I am getting off track here. We dropped into Westfield Doncaster on the way home, we had some lunch and guess who spotted both Lorna Jane AND Koko Black? Me, me, me. And guess who let me leave Westfield with something from both. My beautiful husband. What a sweetie he is to me.

So by the time I had drooled all over the floor at Lorna Jane, I finally settled for the singlet that you see above in the picture. After I left Koko Black with a big block of dark chocolate, I was set to go home and hit the gym.

That my lovelies, is where I hit the wall in a crushing way.

We were meant to train shoulders and triceps today, but Michael decided to split it up and just train one. So the plan was to smash shoulders, but I couldn't do it. It didn't matter how hard I pushed myself and how much of a mental talking to I gave myself, I just couldn't get there today. So in the end Michael finished it by himself and I hit the bike for some cardio.

We had an easy fish and chips for dinner and now I am wondering why I did. I feel like dirt and no matter how many times I brush my teeth all I can taste is the oil. Ewwww, now I know why I don't eat fish and chips very often. I think later on when it finishes cooling down outside I will head off for a brisk walk.

It's weird how your body works against you when it comes to junk food. You get used to not eating it and when you all of a sudden want it and get it, it doesn't taste ANYTHING like you remember it and you just don't want it anymore.

I am starting my new eating plan in the morning. I couldn't do it today, due to the fact that we were stuck in the therapists office and it wasn't really appropriate. Not to mention I slept in and didn't have the time to prepare.

Tomorrow is our regular Saturday BBQ that Michael cooks and then on Sunday, we are taking all three kids ten pin bowling and then I will be able to take all my food with me. So that will help.

I still have two weeks to go before I have to get myself into my Ed Hardy top and if I start this eating plan tomorrow and stick to it, then I should be able to achieve that goal. I am going to stick my motivation pictures back on the fridge tonight and remind myself how wonderful those new rings are going to look on my skinny fingers.

I wonder if perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself? I have done this before, and I don't know why it is so hard for me to do it again. I keep falling in a hole that I struggle to climb out of. I wish I knew what was going on in my head when it came to my eating.

Regardless of that I am determined to get thru the next two weeks on this eating plan and fit into that top and to have those rings sparkling on my finger on christmas day.

xoxox

Ouch Ouch Ouch..........

2008-12-03T22:18:00.002+09:00

Meet another one of my inspirations.

For those of you who don't know her face from around the traps and around facebook where she is a regular shining star.

This is the lovely Ellena Tsatsos. And she has given me the nickname, comp monster and it has stuck like glue. Haha. Evil girl she is.

She is an absolute sweetie and full of nice things to say.

An absolute inspiration to me.

Now - Dori, yes, that is my Michael or hubba hubba hubby as Rae calls Him. His back is huge ass at the moment. Not bad for a 47 year old man eh?

This is a recent bicep shot we took while we were training. Is it any wonder I think He is wonderful?

Just a quick peek in tonight and I promise to update in more detail tomorrow.

I am suffering major DOMS in my thighs and in my ass. I have muscles in my ass, that I never knew existed my lovelies and god damn it all, I am doing the two handed get up and sit down. So I know I am in pain.

I am feeling very rough around the edge's tonight, very achey, coughing a lot and generally very lethargic and I thought I was getting the flu, but thankfully it's just that I forgot my meds.

I suffer bi-polar and have for many years and we have finally found the perfect meds for it. But when I work night shift I don't take it at 4am in the morning, so when I do get up in the afternoon or evening and my body wants it, I start to suffer flu like symptoms. Thankfully they go away about twenty minutes after taking them and I am back to bouncing around crazily.

Things are going well in LJ land and I promise a much bigger update when I get up. Right now its 12.31am an I need some sleep.

Night!