A Day on the Orb Edge

REVIVAL

2009-07-13T14:46:00.003-05:00

Manic Monday

Play along if you like!

FOUNTAIN

Ok – but isn’t a waterfall – a fountain??

Random Quote:
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
-Kahlil Gibran

Revival

Life lately has been like a long climb on a hike. I have always been drawn to hikes that include waterfalls along its path. Last time I went on a hike the trail head marker indicated there were three smaller waterfalls and one “mega” waterfall at the end of the trail.

This is how I imagine communion with God and the outdoors. Where I live I don’t come to a waterfall very often. When I get to go to one there is an extra special atmosphere hearing the roar of the water falling and feeling the mist on your skin as it crashes into the pool below.

Hiking to each of the smaller waterfalls, I took a moment to stand in wonder and the beauty, splash some cold water on my face and then continue on to the next. Everything about a waterfall is a rush to the senses - the sounds, the sight, the rain of the residue and the smell of wet foliage. The hike was fairly steep and for a person who likes the outdoors. The journey to the top was a considerable workout. By the time I neared the big waterfall, my tongue was dry, my body was sweaty and heaving, my pack felt heavier - a burden I was ready to unload.

Upon the moment of the first view of the waterfall there was an instant mist of cold water and air that blew around my face, legs and hands. I had worked long and hard to get to this point and now it was time to refresh my body in the cold water of the waterfall. As I let my bag down and rubbed my aching shoulders, I walked up the stream to the waterfall and stood under just the outskirts of the waterfalls massive cascade - standing directly under that volume of water would have been deadly.

I remember the feeling of being fully immersed in the fresh mountain water - new energy filled me as I went to my knees and felt the water pour over me. There was a complete “restoration” from how I was when I arrived to the waterfall.

This is how I see communion with God - we arrive hot and sweaty. Our souls are exhausted from keeping on drudgery of the week and the hot summer of the world. We then come to the large waterfall and we lay our burdens down and are permitted to come and stand under even the smallest of the restoring spray that surrounds Christ’s redemptive work on the cross. We are completely renewed, engulfed, cleansed and refreshed.

Coming back down that mountain I was soaked - completely wet from dripping hair to sloshing shoes. My clothes clung to my body and my skin glistened; in essence, I was completely identified as someone who had made it to the waterfall. No one can come from under the waterfall and not have a noticeable change, As the change experiencing God can have on your life.

In a similar way I look forward to this week where passion meets pavement and I will have renewed opportunity to live out the evidence of my restoration.

Proverbs 14: 27 “The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.”

The Pierce of an Arrow

2009-07-07T15:07:00.003-05:00

Carry On Tuesday
Our prompt this week
is the opening lines of the poem
The Listeners by Walter de la Mare
"Is there anybody there?" said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door

The Pierce of an Arrow

Tiny snapshots of moments captured flash in and out of my memory as I try to fit the pictures into the larger picture. Self-righteousness is pounding through each of the snapshots. At no point was the action captured, a defining moment of the whole character of the person.
The whole person I thought I knew. I thought there were no secrets. I thought I had your trust.
Our words are huge and can change the illusion of the snap shot. i have no words to match with the images in my head.

I seek to be humble, sensitive, loving, empathetic, forgiving, and understanding as I work through the jumble of events that unfolded.

I watched as you raised your bow and hesitated as you took aim directly at me. I saw you draw in a deep breath and saw the intent as your eyes narrowed to direct the point of the arrow. From that moment as you exhaled everything began to move in slow motion. I could not believe the betrayal. My eyes locked with yours and I did not move. I could feel myself take the stand of your attack.

The arrow pierced my breastplate and through the organ that stopped the instant that I saw the arrow pointed my way. I felt the last two beats; thud, thump, as it beat for the last time. The arrow continued and took the air from my lung. As my lung collapsed I absorbed the pain and did not notice when I fell to the ground.

The next thing I realized was that you were standing above me. I heard the snap of the arrow and the pain of you pulling it out, swift and methodical.
Silence.
Honor and integrity left me.
I tried come to my senses to grasp you as you pulled away with that wicked smile on your face.

Then you were gone.

I felt cold as the blood left my body. I laid there gasping for air until everything went into a swirl and I blacked out. Every one of those seconds a snapshot.

I do measure time as before the arrow struck and after the arrow struck. Before the arrow struck, I always admired the skill of how you could take down your prey with one arrow. I will never forget the day I was your prey.

The days after, I healed. Everyone knews of the insult. They tell me to seek vengeance and redemption. I just want to forget. Not retaliating, lost respect with my supporters.

I left those people and moved to a place where no one knew of us. I became a farmer and immersed myself in the cycles of the seasons and of the moon and tides.
Sometimes I wish I knew your version of the snapshots of that day. I sat down this evening to read, and I heard "Is there anybody there?" said the traveler,
Knocking on the moonlit door.

I peered out able to see the man standing under the light of the full moon. I held my head down aware that the traveler was the one who pierced me with the arrow.

“welcome,” I said and opened the door full. “You must be weary and hungry, sit and I will prepare something for you.”

“thank you,” the traveler said.”Your light was the only one I saw for miles. The wind has picked up and I know there will be a storm soon. I thank you for your generosity.”

Time and farming has hidden my face from your recognition. As I sat with you as you ate, I asked you to tell me your story. “I rarely get visitors here, you are right, my land is remote.”

“Yes, yes I have a story. There is something familiar about you and I will tell you the story that changed my life.”

And so the other sided of the snapshots came into focus.

I once was in love to a woman who might be the same age as you. This woman was righteous. She lived a life of virtue. She was the daughter of a king. The kingdom had been lost, but many feared that she held the strength of her father and could rule the land. I never saw that about her. I did not have greed for the position that she held. I was not always in love with her, but as I got to know her I did love her.
The forces that were threatened by her virtue, wanted her dead. The solicited me with the promises of riches and fame. Greed overcame me. I let their fear invade my thoughts and their fears became my fears. I began to feel trapped. They began to threaten me. The day came when they decided they would not allow me to live if I did not do what they said.

There was to be a hunt. I was to take her along. I was told if I did as they asked they would reward me with a great position and wealth. It was my life or both of our lives.

When the moment came, I saw beyond her and her enemy was within my sight. He was a witness to the action. I saw him raise his bow. I raised mine also. I took a breath, I let the arrow fly. I wanted it to be my arrow that struck her. Immediately I ran to her and removed the arrow. I smiled to her enemy as a sign that she was dead, then I left her to claim my prize.

I hoped that she would live and one day I could return to her and ask for her to forgive me, but when I returned after all my wealth had been lost, and my position no longer needed, rumor was that she decided to find the end of the world and has not been heard from.

The traveler took from his pocket, the very arrow that he had shot through my chest. “I never forget.”

“That is an amazing story. I would not like to be a man with such a burden. Your story has touched me.”

I wanted to tell you that it was me, but would it have made a difference? The choice you made changed both of us and the only way to show you any mercy was for me to remain silent. I could not trust that the story you told was bogus only to flush me out and to finish the job.

I did not sleep that night of the full moon. During your slumber over and over again I resisted taking the arrow and removing the life from you as you once made others believe you had done to me.

The next day I encouraged you to go on with your journey since the storm had passed. It was then that you asked, “From whom have I accepted hospitality?” For one moment I thought of telling you the truth, but then I drew a breath, and I took aim and I said, “A queen.”

“Ah, yes a queen.”

Then you left without any recognition of who I am.

Once again you were gone.

Reconciliation

2009-07-01T13:36:00.002-05:00

Play along with Three Word Wednesday

Collapse

Sweet

Yearn

I feel the collapse of my willpower as the sweet smell of the cinnamon roll fills my nostrils and makes me yearn to take a bite.

Why do we want the things that will do us harm?

What Poetry Stirs

2009-06-30T10:39:00.004-05:00

CARRY ON TUESDAY
PLAY ALONG IF YOU LIKE
CLICK HERE

Prompt:

Your prompt for Tuesday June 30.

Welcome to Carry On Tuesday.
Our prompt this week
is the opening words of A White Rose
by John Boyle O’Reilly (1884 - 1890)
"The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love"

What Poetry Stirs

I knew very little about her. I agreed to a blind date after seeing her once at a football game. She was a friend of a friend and she passed by our seats and said hello. I only nodded in her direction when introduced.

She had a beautiful smile that caught my eye right away. Her long brown hair was pulled through a cap on her head and I couldn’t see her eyes because she was wearing sunglasses. Her name was Veronica, Ronnie is what her friends called her.

My friend Brooke, at the football game told me she loved Ronnie. They were childhood friends.

“You would like her.”

“Really, you know how picky I can be.”

“I challenge you. Call her up and ask her out and make up your own mind.”

To that I just shook my head. We watched the rest of the game without mention of Ronnie again.

It has been three months since that day and I talk to Ronnie almost every day.

Today my phone rang, “take the day off and spend it with me.” Ronnie said immediately.

“What would we do?” I asked slowly in the phone.

“Take the day off and find out.” Her voice was smooth and inviting.

I told her I would have to clear out my schedule and maybe I could take the afternoon off. She agreed and said she would meet me at my office at lunch.

“Where are we going?”

“Vizcaya”, she answered.

“Never heard of it, is it a kind of nirvana?”

Ronnie laughed and shook her head. “You’ll see.”

We took a 30 minute cab ride to an estate named Vizcaya, an Italian Renaissance –style estate that faces Biscayne Bay. Build by James Deering vice-president of International Harvester Company, which produced agricultural equipment for a worldwide market. He chose a bayfront site in Miami for his tropical winter home because of the location’s temperate winter climate.

“Oh, we’re going sightseeing?”

“No I think I used to live here in a past life and I wanted to show it to you.”

I noticed that Ronnie became transformed when she walked into the house. It truly had some kind of connection to her. We followed a tour group and with each room Ronnie would point out something the guide did not mention.

She pulled me into her imagination and she told me of how she had seen royalty pull their ships up to the dock far out in the water and how she could see the gondolas come into shore with guests. Guests such as film stars Lillian Gish and Marion Davies, politician William Jennings Bryan, inventor Thomas Edison, artist John Singer Sargent, and President Warren G. Harding, as well as family and less famous friends.

Deering also entertained his guests on the two yachts that he maintained at Vizcaya: Psyche and Nepenthe. The Nepenthe was Ronnie's favorite, The name"Nepenthe" was in the Odyssey of Homer. Literally, it means "the one that chases away sorrow" In the Odyssey, "Nepenthes pharmakon" (i.e. a drug that chases away sorrow) is a magical potion given to Helen by an Egyptian queen. It quells all sorrows with forgetfulness. Maybe in Ronnie's imagination she had her sorrows forgotten on that boat.

Ronnie told of a night when there was dining and dancing. She described how the sound of a harp would always take her back to that night. I could tell by the look in her eyes as we gazed into the ballroom that she would waltz with me there if I took her hand and pulled her with me across the velvet ropes that separated us from her dream. I almost wanted to take her in my arms and dance with her anyway on this side of the rope, but I knew it would not be the same.

When we passed by the bathroom with the gold fixtures, she told me that servants would draw a bath in the deep claw foot bathtub and the water was always just right.

In the bedrooms she had a story to tell about who had slept in what room and little oddities about the person. She told me her favorite bedroom was that of the owner of the house, James Deering. She said, alone he was tender. One of the doors on the side of the fireplace in his room lead to a private balcony. On the balcony he would read poetry out loud. She described him as a romantic, though he never married. Some thought he was homosexual, but it was never proven.

"The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love,"

she quoted John Boyle O’Reilly with a faraway look in her eyes.

Her statements about Deering made me wonder if in this past life, had Ronnie been in love with him.

We stayed wandering the grounds and resting on the benches in the garden until it was time for us to go. On the way home I asked her if she knew the whole poem she said she did not, and she didn’t know why at that moment she knew the words.

The next day I found the poem:

"A White Rose"

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips
.
John Boyle O'Reilly

I sent Ronnie a dozen cream-white roses with pink tips and the poem enclosed. I signed it with a simple, “thank you,” and waited for her to call.

To Learn more about Vizcaya or to visit, click here.

Wheel of Fortune

2009-06-29T11:38:00.002-05:00

Ok I'm a little late for this one, but I felt like writing...

Your prompt for Tuesday June 23..
Welcome to Carry On Tuesday. Our prompt this week is the opening words of
You Would Have Understood Me by Ernest Dowson. 1867–1900.

You would have understood me, had you waited;

Wheel of Fortune

The evening comes and in the background there is Wheel of Fortune on the TV and I can hear the clacking of the wheel spinning, building tension for the moment it stops and the fate the contestant will have depending on where the arrow stops on the wheel. “Trip to Tahiti!” Then there is the applause.

My mind is elsewhere. I don’t feel the joy along with the contestant for their trip to Tahiti. But good for them; would I feel joy if I had won a trip to Tahiti? I would feel joy if I won anything. Not winning usually doesn’t stop me from trying. I tried to win some contests, like the time I submitted a video and an essay to be the president of the Dukes of Hazard fan club. That video was a hoot and sure it was a little humiliating, which is why I won’t post a clip of it here. I had a lot in common with the Dukes; in my essay I stated that one time my dad came and busted me out of jail after my momma got arrested, (just like those Duke’s would when one of their kin was in the slammer) and in my video I borrowed a police car to make my getaway. I didn’t win, but really, was being the president of the Duke’s of Hazard fan club my dream? No, it was just a whim. I just took a chance at it. Isn’t that what life is about anyway?

I look back at the beauty contests, the spelling B’s, the relay races, the volleyball games, the speaker’s tournaments, the bowling on wii, writing contests, radio call in contests, and bids for work at my job, etc., every day there is the challenge to win something. I am having a hard time remembering a time when I won. I came close to winning many times. One thing about being a good sport is that even though I didn’t win, I was happy for the person who did win. In fact I usually became their biggest fan, I appreciated that Bucky was a better speller than I, and I did think the girl who won the beauty contest was beautiful, and the opposing volley ball team really had strategy. People are amazing in their talents.

I am thinking of what I would really like to win, and what I will do to get there. I feel I may have lost the habit –or the art- if being open to joy. Open to pleasure. I am in a process of healing my hypochondria. I have this anticipation of pleasure in my future and finding my joy. I’d like to think that God has his hand on my needs already and that unseen to me he is making provision for what he has in store for my future. I was reading Isaiah 65:24. “It shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.”

I will search for pleasure, I will rediscover the gifts of playfulness, contemplation; the gifts of being pleased, of experiencing joy, of recreation that refreshes, and truly re-creates. Some say that virtue is its own reward, but I think in fact, joy is its own reward. I pray for more joy in my life.

To quote Henry James he once wrote in a letter, “You surely haven’t done all your own so interesting work without learning what it is for the imagination to play with an idea- an idea about life- under happy obsession, for all that it is worth. Half the beautiful things are the benefactors of the human species have produced would surely be wiped out if you don’t allow this adventurous and speculative imagination its rights.”

I have not silenced my mind and my power of knowing. Inside I am at a point of combustion- sensing that everything sensual and emotional attachments are flared up like smoldering fires that have been given oxygen and have re-ignited. Under such heat either be satisfied or destroyed; when all the felt things and know things become one thing then and only then will there be harmony.

Harmony will be my saving grace. I want to be restored. Like when a doctor removes a cataract from a patient’s eye, he does not interpret the world to his patient, but instead gives him, or restores to him his sight so that he will see the world for himself.

I am thankful and joyful that I am not alone. In my thoughts I feel as if I am surrendering my own will- given in to the impulse to stay, to do nothing, to let happiness happen if such be my good fortune. I talk a lot and don’t make any sense lately I wish I could say to the one I love the opening quote, “you would have understood me, had you waited.”

So the wheel of fortune spins and we wait for it to stop.

Outside the Norm

2009-06-29T08:31:00.003-05:00

I am really at odds with my hope scope these days...
It has been like a weather forcast, so when it says tornado- you can bet there will be a TORNADO.
Hope other Virgos are weathering the storm better than I am.

virgo
Week of June 29
If you find yourself retreating from a close relationship this week, don’t panic.
My close relationship is very important to me. Retreating is the last thing I wanted.

Uranus has turned retrograde in your partnership house, causing a few unexpected developments.
Hummm, well I guess I better brace myself .

You’re in little mood to deal with other people’s emotional thunderclouds, but deal you must.
I was told that the only way to heal through this time is to be open to the other person and see life through their perspective. It hurts, I admit it. But I hope too they can do the same.

There’s lots of life left between the two of you, but you’ll have to make room for the next stage of evolution.
It is very overwhelming. This change is BIG.

Interests change over time.
Sure, I can accept that.

Work on discovering new common ground this week, or make room for more independent exploration.
I really want to see that common ground. I’m making room, reluctantly.

No one said you have to be handcuffed together to prove that you’re in love.
No ball and chain either, I guess, but the love is real, no matter where we are.
Defining a relationship is complicated when the two people who love each other are apart.

On the career front, send those new business cards off to the press.
Fabulous! This is news to me.

Mercury enters your house of networking on Wednesday, initiating a fruitful two-week period for talking to anyone and everyone about the grandiose goals you’re out to achieve.
What goals? Would someone hit me in the head and break free these goals? I’m oblivious to them, a little help here GOD!!!

Piggybacking with an existing group could bring exponential growth to a personal project.
A group huh? Growth to a personal project? This all sounds well and good. I will anticipate it a little more.

These people have the resources in place that would take years for you to develop on your own.
Thank God for the people he puts into our lives! God I thank you in advance for my future.

Be willing to give up a little control in the name of expediting the journey to your dreams.
Ok, Ok I will.

—Provided by the AstroTwins, astrostyle.com

LOVE- LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME

2009-06-24T15:52:00.002-05:00

Fickle

Sparkle

Wrinkle

Three Word Wednesday
I feel fickle about everything.
Hard to sparkle.
Is that a wrinkle?

LOVE

Spinning and swirling out of control, nothing but love can give you this thrill.

Alright I admit there is no excuse for being crazy while being in love, but where does the insanity come from anyway?

I would think that not being in love would make any sane person, crazy wanting love. No, it is not the people who are not in love that are doing crazy things- it is the people in love that are doing the outrageous acts. Love transcends rationale, which makes sanity an expendable thing.

The ways people will go out of their way to get attention from the person they want affection from are outrageous. I admit, girls have no shame when it comes to getting a guys attention. Sometimes it is right down embarrassing. I have a friend that would stare down a guy until it became creepy. Another friend would trip or stumble around a guy to get him to help her klutzy self. And then there is a whole other list of things that happen when alcohol is involved… shameless conversations, stripping and other lurid behavior.

Alright, so these are just ways to get someone’s attention. I started this off about crazy things people will do while in love.

When you are in love..nothing else matters at that time...You wake up you think of them, you go to bed you think of them,..and everything you do throughout the day reminds them of you...It makes you temporarily lose yourself..you walk around in a zombie like state just waiting and wanting to see that person again...so when all of a sudden those feelings are not reciprocated..you feel rejected and hurt, and you want to be back where you were before...so you do anything and everything to get their attention...things that you would not normally do.

These heightened emotions make people fickle. One moment they are normal, the next they are saying things you never thought they would say. Love is confusing. Love is complicated.

Love can make you sparkle.
*Sigh*
I want to sparkle, like a diamond in the sun, shining a prism of light everywhere I go, like a disco ball. Love can do that, even to the most dismal person, give them a little love and watch them shine.
*Sigh*
That sparkle sends a message out “Look at me, I’m in love!”
It’s always fun to watch someone in love. I especially like to be around two people in love. I especially like it when one of the two people, is me. I like the swirling and twirling out of control that love gives, I admit that I become a little shameless when I’m in love. Last shameless act I did while in love was sent a sexy text to my husband on his phone. To which he replied “Get back to work.” Which was a good thing, texting could have gone on all day.

Another crazy thing people do when in love is get a tattoo. Some seem to believe that a romance is not official until it is tattooed in permanent ink. No tattoo here. The only ink that sealed my love was the one on my marriage certificate. I am not a big fan of a tattoo for myself, as an expression of love. I think of it not looking well when I wrinkle, provided that I live that long.
So to sum expressions of love up to irrational behavior- do it if it must be done, but for some, the extreme acts are a turn off.

I think sometimes the hardest and simplest thing is to tell that person you are trying so hard to get their attention, is to tell them face to face… “I love you.”

“Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more Ya know it's true Everything I do - I do it for you”
–Everything I do -Bryan Adams

Ying and Yang

2009-06-10T06:32:00.004-05:00

This morning I watched the sunrise.

When I lived in South Florida, I was fortunate to live close enough to the beach, and had a job that kept me up until the early hours of the morning. In those early hours after I got off work, I would take a blanket from my car and go out to the beach and watch the sunrise. There was something about coming out of the darkness of the night and being alive the next morning, made me thankful to God for each new day. My night job was a little dangerous; what night job isn’t when dealing with the public?

For me watching the sunrise, seeing the new day and thanking God was the highlight of my life at the time. I found myself back there this morning. I was thankful that the darkness of night was behind me. I could let the sun chase away the darkness and with the warmth of the sun, renew my spirit.

It is humbling to sit alone with God. Mathew 28:20 –“You are with me always.”
Sometimes I forget that God isn’t only with me when I take time to stop, He is with me always.

THREE WORD WEDNESDAY

Dangerous
Keepsake
Restless

Ying and Yang

Today was the day. I had to go. I has seen what had happened the night before, cars pulled in the drive, someone would rush out and the car would pull away; moments later another car, and another. This happened throughout the night.
Inside the house there were a lot of people. People I did not know, people I did not want to know.

I waited for the sunrise to go to the door myself. No one came out to my car when I pulled into the drive. That didn’t stop me. I didn’t want to see the car hop anyway. No, I wanted to see someone who was inside.

I banged on the door. I could hear bodies moving around inside. Someone peeked through the curtain. I gathered my strength, “Send Grayson out here.”

“He ain’t here. And who are you anyway?” the girl peaking behind the curtain on the door window shouted.

“Yes, he is and you tell him to come out here, Or I will burn this place down and make him come out!”

“Who are you?” she demanded again.

“He can hear me and he knows exactly who I am.” I was loosing my patience, “Grayson, I need you to come out here!”

Grayson and I have the same blood running through our veins. Siblings. Together we are ying and yang. For all the darkness of his life, I am the bit of light. For all the light in my life, he is the bit of darkness. He could be me and I could be him.
Those early years we taught each other all we could, we experienced everything together, we walked in darkness and laughed in the light. Now we are separate.

He was strength and I was weakness when we were children, now I know his strength and use it when I need to, and also he knows my weakness and uses it when he needs to.

“Grayson, I am not leaving until you come out here!”

Finally he came to the door. I could see him push the girl away from the door and unlock it, I was a little scared; He looked like he had been ran over and could barely move. I knew I had just woke him up. Waking him up was always dangerous, he had a temper in the morning.

“What are you doing?” I wasted no time with any greeting, my tone was defensive.

“Just waking up, good to see you too.” He pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I saw the twitching of his restless hand. It must have been a while since he had a hit.

I softened when I saw how thin he was. That’s what meth will do to a person. Grayson was no longer the hefty boy that took pride in his body and would dance to impress the ladies. Now he was a drug dealer, and now he impressed the wrong kind of ladies.

He didn’t impress me on that morning. We had a discussion about what was going on. He got defensive. I got angry. The details of our argument escape me now.

I know I was there to see it with my own eyes. I had to let him know I had seen it.
I had to let him know I didn’t like it. Over the years more things between us we disagreed about than we agreed.

I pray for him to get out of his darkness. I wish he could live in the light with me.
He doesn’t choose it for himself. Grayson wrote me a letter apologizing for his lifestyle and for hurting me because of it. The handwritten letter is a bittersweet keepsake. He is in prison. 2015 is a release date he won’t keep. I think about what holds him captive and I hate it.

Where the Daffodils Grew

2009-06-09T23:12:00.005-05:00

Looking at the past is sometimes difficult. My dad gave me a stack of pictures from my childhood. He kept these pictures hidden for a long time. I looked at the pictures and realized the reason he kept them out of sight was because it was a part of his life he closed the door to.

I saw him as a young man with a young with a foreign bride and two small children. He had pictures of the house we lived in when I was a toddler. I looked at the pictures for a long time.

The porch was not like I remembered it. The porch in the photo was shabby and appeared to need a lot of work. I think the picture might have been taken when my dad just purchased the house. I don't remember any of the boards missing that you can see if you look closely at the picture, and the porch had a rail and rails down the sides of the steps.

I remembered the porch as a place I found refuge from the burning hot sun of summer, a place where I used to sit and watch my ice cream bar turn to a sticky wet mess before I could gobble it down. There used to be a swing on the porch and I remember swishing my feet as I swung touching the backs of our dogs as the walked beneath.

There was also a sidewalk that lead from the porch to the road. On either side of the sidewalk daffodils were planted and every spring they would bloom brilliant yellow and orange. I would sit on the porch and watch the bees and the wasp go about their business and try to stay out of their way.

Our kitchen was all the way in the back of the house. I remember eating hot cream of wheat at the kitchen table, faintly hearing the school bus horn and almost missing the bus trying to run from the back of the house and out the front door before the driver gave up on me and drove off. I thought we had the longest hallway in the world. There were days that I didn’t make it to board the bus and on those days, we did not call our dad to come take us to school, we just stayed home.

My dad worked on the road during the day and his days would start at 4 or 5 AM and he would be off to work as we were getting up. I remember dad would get us up some mornings to eat breakfast at the Western Sizzler way before the crack of dawn, just so he could spend time with us. I remember thinking it was way too early to eat, but spending that time with my dad was great. No body else came to school and told stories about their dad taking them to breakfast at the Western Sizzler, I knew at the time that is was something special.

I drove past that house last weekend. The house itself looks like it did in the photos, there was no new vinyl siding, no new porch, and in fact one of the corner columns on the porch had fallen and no one cared to repair it. The house looked abandoned except for the herd of fenced in long horn cattle that watched me drive by while they ate the bright green yard that surrounded the house.

The two evergreens that shaded the east side of the house remained. I remember one time my brother walked under one of the evergreens and a snake fell out of the tree and landed on him. He freaked out and did a dance that I had never seen before. I was always wary of those evergreens after that.

I thought of what the inside of the house might look like. I could only imagine that like the outside, the interior would be the same as I remembered. I would have liked to go down that hall again and imagine the bookcases that lined both sided of that hallway when we lived there. I wanted to see the hardwood floors and those heavy iron door knobs that would nearly knock me out when my brother would slam the door in my face when I chased after him in the house. I wanted to peek through the skeleton keyholes and look for my brother playing hide and seek with me. I wanted to hide in one of the closets and look through a knot hole in the wood floor and see the dirt ground below.

I wanted to see my old bedroom and imagine me and my brother laying underneath the bed getting the toes of our socks caught in the springs and let our legs suspend there until our feet would slip from the socks and fall to the floor with a thud. We would giggle and put our socks back on and do it again waiting patiently to see whose feet would be sock-less first.

Seeing the old house was like time was frozen and I was a little girl again, remembering how we spent many days together playing, doing chores and watching projector movies on the door of our refrigerator.

I did not have my camera with me last weekend. I would like to have taken a photo of the house now and compare it to the days when we lived there, so I could show you that not much has changed. I do know that little girl that once played there, wanted so badly to play there again.

TUESDAY

2009-06-02T10:04:00.003-05:00

Here I go back in the swing of things…
Hope scope

virgo
WEEK OF JUNE 1
Monday, you are challenged to assert yourself in the face of a naysayer.

Yep, that was yesterday. I Freaked out! I am not handling things well.

Stand firm in your convictions.

I’m still trying to face my convictions and that is indescribable, rather too personal.

The tension grows to a near-unbearable level, but Thursday the floodgates open when your so-called nemesis approaches you to talk things out.

Two days away, what if I don’t want to talk?

Healing occurs through honest dialogue.

Ok then, I guess I will have to talk.

Speak from the heart and listen with compassion.

My stupid heart has been doing all the talking and it has gotten me wrecked out. I’ll be compassionate, what choice do I have?

You can still validate the other person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
I validate the other person’s perspective every day just by being around, and no, I don’t agree with it.

Multicultural connections take on new import over the weekend when Mars and Venus link up in your international ninth house.

Fantastic. Just what I need more culture thrown in my face, multicultural connections is what messed up my life.

You’ll be drawn to customs and people from around the globe.

I do find other customs interesting.

Open your mind — they have a lot to teach you.

Ok I’ll be open. Who doesn’t benefit from learning something new?

Learning and study figure prominently in your love life.
I’m interested.

Sign up for a class on relationships, or pick up a recommended read on interpersonal communication.

I need that because right now I can’t open my mouth without being the least tactful person on Earth. I really have a problem with communication especially in my relationships.

Sunday’s full moon necessitates a heart-to-heart with a female relative.

There are a handful of prospects…

There’s unexplored common ground between you, but to discover this, you’ll have to talk through a disagreement openly.

I don’t know of any that I have a disagreement with, so time will tell.

Even when these hope scopes bear no good news, they offer some insight to the week.
It doesn’t make me freak out any less.

Roads Scholar

2009-06-01T21:46:00.003-05:00

The Digital Vagabond has been selected!
LINK

Kyle Smith -23 yrs. old is the primary winner. He wrote an amazing proposal. His writing is entertaining and it doesn’t hurt that he is a comedian. His journey will include him sharing his adventure finding laughter along the way.I am certain Kyle Smith would have been someone I would have chosen too.

I will be following him along his journey. I encourage everyone to follow along too. Check him out and I’m sure you will enjoy his experience too.

Thanks to everyone who said such words of praise and support for me to be picked.
I appreciate all of you and I will keep writing this blog and keep writing my stories. Every now and then I will share my daily journey and hope to write something worth reading.

Last year I began some 100 day journies to do things different will my eating habits and I am beginning to see some results. I am 25 lbs lighter since Febuary and still have about 20 more lbs. to go before I am at my goal weight. Still loving my treadmill and fickle with food, but if I don't watch my calories, I know how easily 5 lbs can can make a comeback.

More on that later, but today I am congratulating Kyle Smith and looking forward to his 90 day journey.

FRIDAY

2009-05-22T09:58:00.003-05:00

Play along if you want-
FRIDAY FILL INs
And...here we go!

1. Moving sucks. The alternative is to stay and right now it is way more tempting than moving, so I’ll lick my wounds and stay for a while. Moving right now is too overwhelming.

2. I want to set my soul free. Ahh, the sweetness of freedom. I gave my soul to God, but I think the Devil has a hold of it, and that’s what I want to be free from.

3. My best quality is being level headed. I don’t let other people’s passions affect me. I keep the chaos at bay.

4. The key of success is in the details.

5. In nearly 10 years, I will reach middle age.

6. Prayer is what I need right now!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to some peace, tomorrow my plans include friends and Sunday, I want to Celebrate God!

Pheromones

2009-05-20T15:06:00.003-05:00

Three Word Wednesday

Efficient
Optimize
Treacherous

Pheromones

The night club is hot and the humidity of the South Florida night is making our skin sticky, from dancing and pushing ourselves through the crowd. Slim and I make our way to the bar to get a drink. The energy in the club is out of control everywhere we look there is someone to amuse our eyes and attract our attention.

The beautiful scantily clad bodies of both males and females make us feel like we are in a sea of skin dripping of sweat and we slide across bodies as we make our way. The people are so packed on top of each other, getting to the bar is a treacherous indirect journey.

Once we get to the bar there is more action going on there. There is a guy enticing women to take licks of whip cream off his freshly shaved chest. He makes his way to Slim and does a little dance he must think is sexy. She stares at him and shoos him away with her hand, so he is forced to eye the crowd and look for another victim.

We see a brunette who has a wild look in her eye, grab the guy and push him next to the bar where we are trying to get our drinks. We are so close we can watch the Easy whip spew from the tip of the aerosol container. He is efficient to get the whip cream spot on his nipple without even looking.

The brunette takes advantage of the guy and smashes her face into the whip cream and begins licking like a hungry animal. I feel uncomfortable watching this display, and I am glad when my drink arrives. I turn way to put a little distance between me and the frenzy whipped cream feeding. The rest of the voyeurs cheer and watch as he entices another woman to do the same thing.

I catch the look on Slim’s face and she looks repulsed. We manage to work our way through the congestion of hot sweaty bodies to a place where we can talk at an audible tone.

“I saw that look, what was that?”

“I couldn’t believe the guy didn’t wipe down with a wet wipe.”

I cracked up. I knew Slim was thinking about how we slithered through the crowd of slick bodies and mixed who knows what pheromones. I knew that Slim wouldn’t ever be one of the girls licking whip cream off any hot body without first disinfecting the area with a wet wipe. She won’t even hold on to a shopping cart without using sanitizer. I could imagine her stopping the guy and pulling out a wet wipe right there in front of everyone; who knows she might have surprised me and became that girl with the wild look in her eye.

Our mood was optimized by the energy all around us and we couldn’t resist the pull of the music cajoling us to return to the dance floor. We drank our drinks and dove back into the gyrating bodies and continued to exhaustion in the sea of fleshy sweat.

Its been that kind of day, huh?

2009-05-19T21:38:00.002-05:00

TGIF

2009-05-15T09:55:00.003-05:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.’
General Omar Nelson Bradley

Play along if you like!
FRIDAY FILL Ins

1. If we had no winter, the plants would not have a time to rest, and would be in bloom all the time.
No winter for me would mean no Fall leaves changing, no cool crisp air to take my breath away, no steamy cups of hot chocolate to warm my hands by, no snuggling by a warm fire after being out in the cold, no skiing, or ice skating. I do like winter.

2. The nerve of some people is a perpetual astonishment.

3. If I had my life to live over, I would be reincarnated.
We have this one life and we are given this one day, and another if we are blessed. God is the only one who gets to make this choice for me.

4. A lot can happen between us emotionally inside of four and twenty hours.
Every emotion has happened with me the last 24 hours. I am alive.

5. If you've never been thrilled, then you are missing out.
My heart is racing right now. I’m thrilled about the unknown. I’m thrilled about sex, I’m thrilled about driving my car, I’m thrilled just to have the sun come up every morning. Having a feeling of about to explode is how I would explain thrill, every moment lately has been thrilling for me.

6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to acknowledge God has done amazing work to orchestrate the seasons.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Golf lessons, tomorrow my plans include getting ready for a yard sale (I have to stop hoarding) and Sunday, I want to celebrate!

SILENCE

2009-05-13T09:41:00.004-05:00

THREE WORD WEDNESDAY

Bicker
Nervous
Trajectory

These are some good words, I struggled with them, but I finally came up with something.

Silence

There is no bicker, no banter. Just the click- clack of fingers on the keyboard. The sound echoes through the house. What is typed makes me nervous. I have an idea of what captures your attention, and another part of me knows, if I knew the words you type, they would be a trajectory that will do it’s damage upon impact.

It is time for me to make my own click- clack on the keyboard. I don’t want to bicker. You don’t want to talk. Speaking face to face is not something you want.

I will follow your example; I will make my plans, dream my dreams, and live my life through my keyboard too. The only difference is that when I begin, you won’t get to hear the sound of fingers on a keyboard and wonder what holds my attention.

You won’t die the same death I did, your death will be in silence.

HOPE SCOPE

2009-05-11T22:10:00.003-05:00

virgo
Week of May 11

Prepare for liftoff! Challenging Saturn turns direct in Virgo this week after a five-month retrograde.
So some good news for my star to go shooting! I’m a little weary from the retrograde, its had me in a funk.

A lightning bolt of energy shoots into a stalled personal venture.
I really would like to travel. I just applied for The Roads Scholarship to win a trip across North America. You can check out the details at Digital Vagabonding. Please stop by my proposal and leave me some love, in the form of a comment to increase my chance of winning.

Expect to feel motivated and re-inspired to get things off the ground.
I leap at the chance to pick a direction and go that way. I think this road trip is the ideal thing for me to get in touch with a little soul searching by getting out of my comfort zone or lately, my uncomfortable zone.

You’re the best spokesperson for your own creativity now.
Wow! I hope this means I have a chance to win the contest.

Get vocal; brag a little.
I hope my blog is a loud enough brag. I usually don’t brag, but If I was favored to win the contest, well yes, I would brag just a little bit!

Grassroots marketing through the Internet and local resources will yield a greater result than you expect.
I Facebook pleaded for my friends to post comments on my travel proposal and e-mailed all my contacts. I also put a post on my blog for the lurkers and my writing friends to chime in, if they feel inclined.

Impatience has been your Achilles heel since the beginning of the year.
I have been a little agitated, and it has been making me feel like I don’t fit in my own skin.

Now you’ll have the clarity to develop a more realistic and manageable timeline.
I have been waiting for just that clarity, I haven’t been able to even think with my agitation. I really need the clarity to make some plans.

Working with groups could sidetrack you from your own strong vision.
That’s good news. If I win the Roads Scholarship, it could renew my independence. I might discover that I strive when I am on my own. It would be a great opportunity for self discovery.

Be a little “selfish” now, and develop plans without outside feedback or team participation.
Again, this solidifies me being able to take on the travel challenge and find my way, on my own.

Everyone’s got an opinion, Virgo.
Of course they do, that’s why I am so popular!

For the time being, the one that counts most is your own.
I agree, I have to be the one who is going to live with the choices that I make and do what is best for me.

In love, you may need to take a stand for your independence.
I agree. I think I need some time to untangle from love for a while, this could change my life.

A possessive or demanding person could drain your energy if you don’t put up clear boundaries. This is nothing new, I realize that this is my time. I would need to concentrate on my ambitions without having to constantly attend to their needs, and just take some time for me.

—Provided by the AstroTwins, astrostyle.com

ROAD TRIP

2009-05-11T15:04:00.001-05:00

Friends and Family,
I recently applied for a "Roads Scholarship" to travel North America this summer and share the highlights on www.DigitalVagabonding.com. I'd like your help to win this scholarship.The winner will be chosen in May and favorable comments posted to my proposal will help me win.

Please view my scholarship proposal and comment on why you think I have the "right stuff" for traveling North America and creating a compelling travelogue.Thanks for the vote of confidence. If I win I'll make it a journey you'll want to follow online this summer.

Mothers Day 2009

2009-05-10T20:33:00.004-05:00

Baby girl, without her I wouldn't have the wonderful blessing of knowing the joys of being a mother. She's my one and only. For mother's day we spent a few hours together and went to the movies. We saw "17 Again" Baby Girl said the nicest thing, she said she wished we could be 17 yrs old together. I would like it if I could be my age in my head, like in the movie, so I could look out for her and help her make good decisions. Now that she is the teenager, I pray that she makes good choices, and thinks before acting impulsively. As her mother I have to let her make some of her own mistakes, and learn some lessons on her own.

I look forward to her future, I think it is going to be what legends are made of!

If the apple doesn't fall from the tree, whenever I meet someone for the first time, I always reply to their polite, "I've heard a lot about you," with "Hello, nice to meet you, now you know the legend lives."

Baby Girl is going to be a legend herself. Soon she will be the one that people will tell me she's the one they heard a lot of good things about, and I will always be her proud mom.

Low Expectations

2009-05-07T15:15:00.002-05:00

Growing up in the South sometimes requires very low expectations. I hate that about being southern; I love it too when I am forced to appreciate all the little things I am blessed with. My first 6 years of life, we lived in a house that didn’t have indoor plumbing. We had an outhouse. I admitted to someone the other day, that I was a bed wetter, just because I didn’t want to go out in the freezing cold of winter to the outhouse. Of course we eventually got an indoor bathroom, but I never forgot that outhouse. As a young child, it never occurred to me we might have been one of the last families in our community to have an outhouse. Having an outhouse was just a part of life. I didn’t know I was supposed to expect something different, even though I didn’t use an outhouse anywhere else.

I saw my friend Katie at lunch. She is a dynamic non-catholic with five kids and fell into some hard times this past year and had to close her restaurant. The lease went up and customers went down, so she had no choice but to close. This past month she re-opened in a much smaller location. Her last place had about 25 tables, the new place, only has about four tables and a sales counter. Katie once gave me a job in her restaurant, when I was going through a rough time. She has a very big heart. I hugged Katie’s neck and told her I was proud of her for opening back up. She said it was God that opened her restaurant door. If it had been up to her she would still be in the bed crying. She admitted that she still cries, and then she gets out of bed, and goes to work.
I wish I was in a position to help her now. I did my small part and I go by there once a week and get lunch. She makes the best chicken salad and sundried tomato bread.
If any of you are hungry, go by the River Nile and get a sandwich and a slice of one of her homemade cakes. They are top rate, and so is my blessed friend, Katie.

I’m sure when her business closed she wanted to find an equal building and re-open the same style of place in a new location, but that didn’t happen, she had to resort to a low rent building and cramped quarters. The patrons looked happy as I watched them sip their soup and eat their sandwiches while I waited on my order. I was glad to see Katie when she popped her head out from the kitchen. She had hired another of my friends, Ron, who also stepped out from the kitchen when he heard my voice. Ron just served a tour in the war and I was glad to see him. Now he looked a little older, and a little sad. War changes people, but I don’t believe it can take the best out of people, the best that wants you to throw an arm around another human, and tell them it’s good to see them. If war is able to take that from a soldier, then it won, it filled that person with the evil it exposes and truly ruins them from being the person they once were. Ron was last married to a minister of music. I didn’t get a chance to ask about her, but I hope they are well and the war didn’t take that from him too.

I’m adjusting to a personal loss and true to my southern roots, I have very low expectations about where I am going to live next. It is a big disappointment, but sometimes taking what you can get is the most you can expect. I was lucky enough to get more than I deserved for a short period of time. It is a struggle to go backwards, to find yourself in a place where you started out and realize that you are back at the beginning all over again. Life sometimes can be a game of Monopoly where at the luck of the draw, you can be sent back to the start, and hate it that the property you were so close to buying is now snatched up by another player, and you don’t get to own the high rent properties.

I did dream a little dream on Saturday. I had been stalking a house while it was being built, and I drove by it and caught the builder outside. Before we got out of the car, I looked at Baby girl and said, “Come dream a little dream with me.” Baby girl and I stopped and the builder was kind enough to give us a private tour. The builder pointed out the wonderful features he put into the house, like the coffered ceilings, the wrought iron stairs, and the wired-in surround sound and the video monitored front door. I complimented him on his workmanship and was able to appreciate all the details he put into the house, because I’ve been exposed to construction, just a little bit.

I know I developed a little crush on that house, well maybe a big crush on that house. Baby girl doesn’t hold her tongue when it comes to her expectations, “You should live in this house.” I love her for seeing high expectations and not encouraging pessimisim for low expectations.

The builder was very genuine when he invited us back to see the house completed in three weeks. I told him I would. He said he would love to sell it to me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I couldn’t afford it. I just told him that the only way I will have that house is if God wanted me to have it. He agreed that God does make a way, if it is meant to be.

We left the 3,005 square foot house dreaming our little dream and imagining ourselves filling it with our few belongings. We talked about how beautiful it was and how we imagined it to be in three weeks. We imagined ourselves putting a Christmas tree in the big front window. I told her if we got that house we would fill it with scripture and hang a big plaque that said my mantra, “With God all things are possible.”

Waking up from my dream today, I am looking at remodeling a 600 square foot apartment that I haven’t lived in for twenty years. I don’t want to be that person who looks back at the past hating it for having wasted it on something I thought I deserved. It all falls back on those cursed southern low expectations. If I hate the time that past it will only make me wish I had it back, like an unlucky quarter in a slot machine. Loosing is loosing, but it doesn’t diminish the hope of winning, you just have to play another quarter, and have higher expectations.

A New hobby

2009-05-01T21:03:00.003-05:00

I am trying to develop some new hobbies, my newest interest- GOLF.
I'm trying to get Baby Girl interested in a sport, so we are taking lessons.
We are registered for GET GOLF READY IN 5 days , next week.

May is Free PGA lesson month, well not entirely free...
We are taking 5 days of lessons Monday through Friday 5/4 to 5/8.
A local pro will teach the lessons. Normal lessons run about $65 an hour.
For the introductory week, the price averages about $20 a lesson, the free part is that the pro gets paid the difference by the PGA.

Baby Girl and I will learn the basics and give her a chance to see if she has a real interest in the sport, and we get to bond a little- so it is a win win.

Hope scope

2009-04-28T06:30:00.000-05:00

Still waiting for the turn around from last week...

virgo
Week of April 27

Refine your master list of goals this week.
Thanks to a pep talk with the hubs, we are getting out of debt, evaluating our assets and liquidating all we can. One step at a time, day by day.

You may have been a bit overarching in previous drafts, causing you to feel scattered or burned out. Boy, do I! I had a really long list, but now it is not so big.

With Mercury in your ambitious 10th house for the next six weeks, you’re better off having only one or two biggies that you set your sights on achieving. Ok. That’s do-able. Sell Car. Get a part-time job.

Joining an exclusive club or organization helps you connect with a more handpicked selection of networking contacts. Maybe I’ll get the part time job at the golf course after all.

Though you abhor snobbery, you may have to deal with a little elitism in the name of getting ahead. It sure beats having to mow grass (which I have never done in my life and wouldn’t even know how to do)

Father issues could bubble up. I’m close with my dad, so I don’t have any issues with him.

This is a good week to talk them through with an understanding listener. I love my dad.

Your dad may have a relevant lesson to teach you surrounding your work ethic or finances. My dad has a good work ethic and always worked two jobs (he was a single parent)

This holds true even if he is no longer living. He’s still living.

Ponder his life a bit and you’ll find the inspirational gem. I’ll give it some thought.

To burn off stress, outdoor exercise is the way to go. I wish it would warm up enough to swim.

There’s no replacing fresh air and sunshine for boosting your mood now. I need a lot of fresh air.

Gather friends or family for a hike and a picnic over the weekend. Easy enough, sub sandwiches, fruit and bottled water. It’s a plan.

—Provided by the AstroTwins, astrostyle.com

Praise God

2009-04-27T08:08:00.003-05:00

Last week was a crazy emotional week for me, I did not see things take a turn for the better over the weekend, like my horrible scope said. I am not sure how I am feeling this week, maybe anexiety about the unknown and what to do next.

Stopped at a traffic light this morning on my way to work, I observed an elderly woman walking along the sidewalk. She was talking out loud. She seemed to be engrossed in a very expressive conversation with someone who was not there. She would nod her head as if she was listening, take a few steps forward, then hesitate and begin talking again. She held a cup of coffee in her hand and waved it around. I could see the steam swirl from the cup. Curious I rolled down my window to hear what the woman was saying. “When the Devil comes you got to be ready,” she preached. The light changed and I pulled forward. As I drove past her, she looked directly at me waving her outstretched hand as if she wanted me to stop, “Praise God! Praise God child, Praise God!”

I drove on and watched her in my rear view mirror. She continued her conversation with someone that was not there and began to wander further down the sidewalk. I wasn’t shaken, but maybe those words were just what I needed to hear.

A problem is a set of circumstances that threaten your well-being. I am having a bit of a personal problem, and I am trying to work through it. I don’t think anyone is to blame, not even myself. I don’t know the solution to the problem and I am seeking Divine Providence, which is God’s action by which He brings good out of evil, or by which He permits us to do evil so that He may eventually bring good out of it. One of the hardest things to do is to accept the situation, and give it over to God. This acceptance will bring peace to our soul.

I’m working on recognizing that peace, after the last week I had. Maybe I needed to hear the old woman shout at me, “Praise God!” Usually when my own thoughts twist inside my head too much I focus on a song, and today the song is “I will praise him still” the lyrics-
When the morning falls on the farthest hill,
I will sing His name, I will praise Him still.
When dark trials come and my heart is filled
With the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still.
For the Lord our God, He is strong to save
From the arms of death, from the deepest grave.
And He gave us life in His perfect will,
And by His good grace, I will praise Him still.
So I leave you with knowing that this morning, I am praising God!

YO!

2009-04-24T10:02:00.003-05:00

It's Friday and I needed to Fill -in, so here goes
you can participate in the fun too!

FRIDAY FILL INs

1. Apparently there's some sort of mental block and I can’t write.

2. Expecting a mental sunny day.

3. 2009 has been thrilling so far.

4. When I opened my mouth, that was it.

5. For too long I've been passive.

6. I am not obsessed with hair conditioner, there is a reason for having 12 bottles; I am not!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not having to cook, tomorrow my plans include visiting friends and Sunday, I want to read!

Thursday Thirteen

2009-04-23T16:20:00.001-05:00

THURSDAY THIRTEEN

This is a little graphic…

I am feeling like I don’t belong in my skin today.
GRRRRRRRRRR!
No, not feeling angry, just a sense of not knowing what to do with myself.
Most of the time I am content, make that 99.6% of the time, today’s rating falls to a very weak 32.9%. Why?

Because I am a complete IDIOT.

It is that simple.

I’m not beating myself up. I usually am not this raw, exposed and wilting. I’m sure it is a combination of things going on. I think the best way to explain it, would be like getting bit by a venomous snake and having your skin swell so much it tears the skin open, with my raw insides exposed in a crazy zig-zag pattern that the doctor won’t even be able to stitch up for days, until the swelling goes down and will leave a very bad scar. I feel like I’ve had one of those snake bites, maybe even several of those snake bites. I feel obese swelling going on inside of me and at any minute, I’m going to burst. More than likely my body will burst first, followed by my head, then each arm, each leg, until I resemble a stupid Joe Cartoon character, with bits of me scattered all over the place, like an explosion. Sorry so graphic, but there is no other way to explain it. I wish this was joy, but I think it is more agitation.

So here are thirteen things that could settle me down:

1. A phone call. I hate the phone, but right now I need it to ring. I want to hear if I got the part time job at the golf course, I want to hear from my dad. I want to get a stupid solicitor on the other end and scream at them- “YOU CAN’T HAVE MY MONEY!!!” (sorry if this is what you do for a living, if you do consider that the person on the other end was bit by a poisonous snake.)

2. Running. I ‘m having a Forest Gump moment. If I start running, I feel like I would run until I just didn’t want to anymore. –“Run Jennnnn a, Run!” For anyone who knows my real name, you will laugh!

3. Punching someone. Really hard, so they punch me back and we get into a fist fight. I’m sure the other person will be a prize fighter so all it would take would be one good punch to the jaw and knock me out. (No, I am not violent, but why can guys do this and girls can’t?) I’d wear my bruise with pride and relax with a bag of ice on it. Getting punched out would help, but it won’t
Cure stupid.

4. Riding in my sports car as fast as I can to see if getting from point A to Point be in a third of the time Map quest states it should take me. (of course this would be on a road where no one else would be driving and I would be outfitted with pro-racing protection)

5. Going to the driving range. Those poor golf balls don’t have a chance, they would fly high and far- and like it. I like the sound of the club hitting the ball.

6. Cooking. There hasn’t been food in my house for almost a month, because of my dieting. Even I got take out, I took maybe two bites and trashed the rest. Food and I have a fickle relationship these days since I’ve been dieting. Even yesterday when the boss took us to lunch, I was the only one who had anything on my plate to take home. I didn’t eat the lasagna, I only ate the extra sauce around it and a salad. Everyone noticed but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I’m sure I am developing an eating disorder.

7. Sleep. A whole week of sleep. I have developed insomnia with my agitation. Where do I want to sleep most? Curled up next to my husband. Without me snoring like a grizzly bear in hibernation to wake him up.

8. A week with my metal detector on a beach with shipwrecked gold is guaranteed. Playing in the sand would be good. When I was little my dad took me and my brother to the beach, we had the best time crabbing with a gig and having a crab boil right there on the beach.

9. Reading non-stop. I have four books to read now and I am reading three consecutively. The cool thing about my book selection is that I chose two authors and two of their books that were written in succession. I am engrossed in “All over but the Shouting” by Rick Bragg, and I also am halfway through “The Prince of Frogtown.” The coolest thing reading Rick’s two books, one is about his alcoholic father, and the other about the strength of his mother – they are telling the same story from two views (reading like this is a first for me- And he is writing about Alabama) The third book I am reading is by Nancy Kincaid, “Eat Drink and be from Mississippi” and I will follow with another of Nancy’s books, “As hot as it was you ought to thank me.”

10. Writing. I am inspired from Rick Bragg’s writing. He reminded me that some things southern could be lost, like the saying, “you’re eating white bread.” In the south that meant you had it really good. Most people couldn’t afford a loaf of bread all they had was biscuits, so to have a slice of white bread was a treat.

11. Popping about a 10 ft. length of packing bubbles by jumping up and down on them. (I can just imagine it!! OH JOY!!!)

12. Taking a BB gun and practicing shooting wood bees that are eating away at my porch. To quote Mel Gibson in the Patriot, “Aim small, Miss small.”

13. A massage. I’ve considered when I have had an illness like the flu, scheduling a massage and thinking how good a massage would feel to my sickly painful skin- kinda like I feel now, but to my dismay they are always booked. (so don’t worry I stayed home.)

These would settle me down, but I think I will have to meditate to simmer for a while and encourage this agitation to release through some deep breathing.