Parabolic Mirror

Vote Sarah Palin Supreme Overlord T-Shirt

2009-07-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

Now you can have your very own Vote Sarah Palin Supreme Overlord of Earth t-shirt! Buy one not only to show your support for this tough but fragile pitbull with lipstick, but to avoid being rounded up with the other non-believers when she assumes her throne.

Palin To Run For Supreme Overlord Of Earth

2009-07-04T20:23:00.000-07:00

Wasilla, Alaska - After stunning the nation on Friday with her sudden
resignation as the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin further shocked both
supporters and opponents alike by declaring herself a candidate for
Supreme Overlord of Earth. The position, which does not currently exist, is expected to be created by Lord Xenu when he returns to resume his reign over the Earth.

"On this July 4th, when the world celebrates America's Independence from Soviet tyranny," proclaimed Palin "I thought it was only appropriate to launch my campaign as the chief officeholder to protect
the rights and freedoms of all people on Earth. I know there are many who don't believe in Lord Xenu, and I promise to treat them as equally as the most passionate believers. The forces of darkness in this world have obscured our knowledge of Xenu and the road to true enlightenment, but once he returns we'll have our most profound questions revealed to be only small tokens in his amazing wisdom!"

A reporter asked Palin if she believed that she was qualified for the
tremendous responsibility of running the world. "Oh my yes." Palin
said, "As governor of Alaska I was the highest level executive on the
northernmost city of the free world. I am literally on top of the world
here, and I can see everywhere from the suburbs of Siberia to that land
down under, Austria."

When another reporter asked if this were a hoax, Sarah produced a small
hand held device which vaporized the reporter in a puff of smoke. She then cocked her head a little and smiled, asking if there were any more questions. There were none as the remaining reporters all donned "Sarah for Overlord" t-shirts as they fled to their cars.

First Step Towards Sanity

2009-06-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

American troops have pulled out of Iraqi cities, turning over the control of them to Iraqi security forces. This is the first step towards a complete US pullout, assuming of course that President Obama keeps his campaign promise to do exactly that.

Iraq will undoubtedly face an upsurge in violence, the security forces will very likely be tested in the next few weeks, and I hope that they're up to the task. If they crumble against their opponents, Obama will be forced to order American troops back in and we'll see this insanity perpetuated at least through the elections of 2012.

Politically, Iraq cannot be allowed to fall or the neo-cons will finally have something to rally around and possibly have a serious chance in 2012. A collapsed Iraq would mean that Obama really was "too inexperienced" to be president. Never mind the fact that it was an illegal war in the first place. Fox News viewers don't know this and Fox news is sadly still far and away the number one "news" station. If Iraqi forces lose control of their cities, Fox will plaster the images day and night, blaming all the carnage and destruction on the withdrawal. It will be like the scenes in Saigon after the US withdrawal in the 70's, which are still blamed on the Democrats even though Nixon was President at the time.

So I hope the Iraqi forces are up to the task, and that Obama is a good chess player. There are political forces both inside and outside the United States who are not only counting on the Iraqi withdrawal to fail, but may actively take part in supporting the opposition forces in Iraq. There is far too much money to be made with a perpetual war. The same people who put together the Project for a New American Century years ago, are still active and have reaped billions from the American goverment during the last six years. They will gladly reinvest a little of that money to destabilize Iraq and force Obama to order American troops back in.

In the meantime, I salute both President Obama and Iraqi President al-Maliki for taking this first important step, and I hope there is a lasting peace and stability in Iraq for years to come.

Former FEMA Head Michael Brown Appointed New GM Chairman

2009-06-10T09:51:00.001-07:00

Detroit - The New GM announced today that it would be led by Michael D. Brown, the former FEMA Administrator who was criticized so heavily during Hurricane Katrina. Brown was personally selected and endorsed by the head of the Obama administration's Car Task Force Steven Rattner.

"I was a little surprised to get the call," said Michael Brown, who has been unemployed since resigning as head of FEMA, "but I am confident that I can take GM outside the box into a whole new paradigm. It's true I know nothing about cars, but I know that people like big engines that shake the ground when you step on the gas, so I'm thinking muscle cars, like the ones we had in the 50's and 60's. After all, gas is cheap again so let's take advantage of that; I'd even like to see GM re-acquire the Hummer."

When reporters asked Rattner what led to the choice of Brown, he replied. "He plays golf with my dad, and he's been so down since the Katrina thing that I thought we should give him a second chance. Besides, it's not like he has no experience at all. He used to judge horses, which like cars are a mode of transportation. And cars engines are still rated according to their horsepower, right?"

Brown does bring a certain amount of political experience to the job. That is relevant since the U.S. government is currently GM's largest shareholder, and he will have to answer to Congress. "He's been under fire from Congress in the past, and kept his cool." Rattner said proudly. "There are very few executives that have taken the level of scrutiny that he has had to endure. Frankly, I thnk Brownie will do a heck of a job!"

Sometimes Being Patriotic Means Having To Say Your Sorry

2009-06-07T11:26:00.001-07:00

This week, at a speech in Cairo, Obama did something unheard of in a politician: He told the TRUTH! He acknowledged that the Palestinian people have suffered and were displaced by the creation of modern Israel. He was also the first president to admit that the US actively helped overthrow the democratic government of Iran during the Cold War (something so few Americans seem to know about). And finally, perhaps the one that has sent so many neo-conservative war mongers into hysterical fits, he stated the obvious fact that the attack on Iraq was a war of choice (and a bad one at that).

Conservative reaction has ranged from Sean Hannity of FOX News selectively editing the video of the speech in order to make it look like Obama was sympathizing with the attackers on 9/11, to Senator Jim Inhofe actually calling the speech "un-American" and that he couldn't tell "which side he's on." Now I expect any show on FOX News to distort the truth by any means possible, they are a political propaganda machine, not a news station. It was pretty shocking though to hear a Senator deliver such an inflammatory criticism of the president, especially when he is out of the country. I have no doubt that his comments were meant to motivate the fanatical base of the Republican party, but I thought I'd take some tome to explain to Senator Inhofe which side Obama and the rest of us patriotic Americans are on.

I'd like to make a distinction first between patriotism and nationalism. Dictionaries differ on their descriptions, but the overall consensus is that while patrotism means loving your country, nationalism means loving your country to a fanatical level. I think of Senator Inhofe as a Nationalist, someone who will staunchly
defend the country, even when it has clearly committed a major crime.
I consider myself a patriot. I love the USA and the ideals that it stands for, but when the government falls short of those ideals I look at the truth of the situation no matter how ugly it gets.

Like most Americans, I grew up with propagandized history classes that always painted America as the "good guys". The horrible things we did to Native Americans as we expanded west were not in my textbooks, nor was any mention of tidbits like the U.S. government backing a revolution against the democraticaly elected Guatemalan government at the behest of the United Fruit Company.

These events are facts, and facts need to be embraced and not ran away from (pay attention please creationsists). If we deny those portions of our history that we don't like, then we are no better than the Holocaust deniers, trying to paint a rosy picture where none exists. Our country has been involved in some atrocious behavior over the years, and only by recognizing that and accepting the uncomfortable truth of it, can we learn and grow beyond it.

Iraq was a war of choice, there is no disputing this. As the historical record begins to unfold it becomes more and more obvious that the Bush administration just wanted to invade Iraq and that there were no connections between Iraq and 9/11, Iraq or Iraq and Al Quaida, except perhaps sharing the same planet. In order to create a fictional connection, the Bush Administration used methods of torture to extract false confessions out of prisoners. These are the facts, and the ramifications of this are what President Obama inherited when he took office.

I applaud Obama for taking on these subjects in such a frank and honest way. It takes a bigger man (and country) to admit when we did something wrong, and his doing so in such a public way has helped restore our credibility with other nations around the world. Obama is a true patriot, and I am proud to have him as our president.

Sim City Recognizes Gay Marriage

2009-06-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

(No this is not satire.) The latest version of the Sims video game allows gay couples to get married! Congratulations to Sims maker, Electronic Arts for recognizing that same sex marriage is really just a matter of equal rights for all.

Kim Jong Suspends Nuclear Missile Program For Role In New Bond Flick

2009-06-01T09:18:00.001-07:00

Pyongyang North Korea - In a diplomatic victory for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the Obama Administration, North Korean President Kim Jong II has agreed to suspend his nuclear missile program in exchange for a starring role in the upcoming James Bond film "From Pyongyang With Love."

The deal was put together very quickly in the wake of North Korea's most recent missile test. Diplomatic tensions were high on all sides, and it's rumored that Secretary of State Clinton floated the idea herself through unofficial channels. Once word reached Kim Jong II, he jumped on it. The official agreement will not be announced until the movie contract is signed, but insiders from both Hollywood and Washington say that it will happen in the next day or two.

Michael G. Wilson, producer of the upcoming Bond movie gave the world a hint of the movie's plot and the role that Kim Jong II would play. "He will be playing himself as the leader of North Korea, in a near future scenario where agents from SPECTRE have gotten computer control of North Korea's nuclear arsenal and plan to use it to start World War III. Kim Jong II, after an initial hostile encounter with Bond (played by Daniel Craig) will then team up with 007 to secure the weapons and defeat SPECTRE. He also revealed that Anne Hathaway would star in the movie as a double agent whom falls in love with Kim Jong II. Wilson however, would not comment on rumors that the leader of SPECTRE, the infamous Persian cat petting Ernst Stavro Blofield will be played by none other than Dick Cheney.

The Prop 8 Decision: Legalese vs. Equality

2009-05-27T09:19:00.001-07:00

heThe other day I wrote that Prop 8 was a masterstroke of evil and legalese. After reading the CA Supreme Court's decision last night, I suspect that some of the Justices would agree with me. There are several times in the document where the Justices note that they had to put their personal feelings aside and look strictly at the legality of Proposition 8. However, in their sticking to the letter of the law they legalized discrimination, and did so knowingly as is made obvious in the dissenting opinion by Justice Moreno.

There were two sticking points that made Proposition 8 stand. The first is that the California Constitution allows for a simple majority to pass an amendment. In the past this has allowed laws like Proposition 187 to pass, a law which denied public education and social services to illegal immigrant families. Prop 187 was ultimately struck down because the judge ruled that it was 'a “scheme” designed to regulate
immigration, an exclusively federal domain.'

This is where the second point comes in. There are no (as pointed out by Michaelangelo Signorile on his show yesterday) federal laws recognizing or protecting gays as a minority class. If there had been any federal recognition, the Justices could have struck down Proposition 8 on that merit, but without it, six of them felt that their hands were tied.

The dissenting vote by Judge Moreno was an interesting read, and naturally I found myself in agreement with most of his points. I thought he made the real point, the one overlooked by the majority in their opinon when he noted:

We recognized in the Marriage Cases that "draw[ing] a distinction between the name for the official family relationship of opposite-sex couples (marriage) and that for same-sex couples (domestic partnership)" (Marriage Cases, supra, 43 Cal.4th at p. 782) "impinges upon a same-sex couple's fundamental interest in having their family relationship accorded the same respect and dignity enjoyed by an opposite-sex couple." (Id. at p. 784.) Denying same-sex couples the right to call their relationships marriages treats them as " 'second-class citizens.' " (Id. at p. 785.) As we observed in the Marriage Cases, "there exists a substantial risk that a judicial decision upholding the differential treatment of opposite-sex and same-sex couples would be understood as validating a more general proposition that our state by now has repudiated: that it is permissible, under the law, for society to treat gay individuals and same-sex couples differently from, and less favorably than, heterosexual individuals and opposite-sex couples." (43 Cal.4th at p. 855.)

Considering that most of what was written above came from the earlier decision, I'm stumped that the same body of Justices could reach such a radically different conclusion. Justice Moreno makes some excellent points about how the Justices are not beholden to only those minorities identified by the US Constitution:

California’s equal protection doctrine has not been confined to that of federal Fourteenth Amendment jurisprudence: "[O]ur state equal protection provisions . . . are possessed of an independent vitality which, in a given case, may demand an analysis different from that which would obtain if only the federal standard were applicable." (Serrano v. Priest (1976) 18 Cal.3d 728, 764.) The equal protection clause of our state Constitution is important as a provision of independent force and effect only when this court extends greater protection under that provision than the high court has extended under the equal protection clause of the federal Constitution.

It appears that there was plenty of precedent for the court to overturn Proposition 8, and I am truly confused as to what motivated the Justices to decide the way that they did. Was it simply political cowardice in the face of right wing media's constant attacks on "activist judges" and a threat by the Christian Right to start a recall vote against the Justices themselves? I'd like to think not, that the Justices would not bow to that sort of political pressure.

I'm trying to convince myself that they were adhering to the letter of the law concerning Constitutional amendments, but in doing so they sacrificed one of their prime duties, which is to prevent a minority class from being mistreated by the majority, or as Justice Moreno said in his dissenting opinion: "The equal protection clause is therefore, by its nature, inherently countermajoritarian. As a logical matter, it cannot depend on the will of the majority for its enforcement, for it is the will of the majority against which the equal protection clause is designed to protect."

So where does that leave us? As I said the other day, the momentum is on the side of the LGBT community. Public opinion has shifted in favor of same sex marriage and will continue to do so as it becomes less scary to the average voter. Voters will overturn Prop 8 in either 2010 or 2012 and this decision will go down as an embarrassing moment in California history.

Obama Nominates Jerry Springer to Supreme Court

2009-05-26T08:41:00.001-07:00

Washington DC- In a move that initially shocked Republicans and Democrats alike, President Obama announced his pick for the Supreme Court today, talk show host Jerry Springer.

Speaking to a special session of the Senate, Obama stated that "Despite his lack of judicial experience, Jerry is an excellent mediator who acts with compassion and integrity. I have complete confidence that he will execute his new office with the same dignity and high minded behavior that he has demonstrated on his television program over the years." Obama went on to say that the Supreme Court would be getting an "extreme makeover" for the 21st century, with a more open format based on Springer's television show.

Springer, who is 65 has no professional legal experience, but he has served in public office as the Mayor of Cincinnati in 1977. His television show has been on the air since 1991, and it's rumored that his vast fortune is second only to Oprah Winfrey's.

Springer said he was honored by the nomination, and only hoped the other justices would be open to updating the stodgy image of the court to one that would really allow plaintiffs and defendants to fully express themselves. "People are passionate about the law," said Springer, "but you'd never know it watching these dull, somber proceedings."

The nomination was met with skepticism at first, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was actually caught on camera rolling his eyes, but with a more positive reaction from his Republican colleagues, Springer's nomination began to get traction.

Senator Elizabeth Dole was the first to openly express support stating "I love Jerry Springer! I never miss an episode." Later on she expressed a bit of regret when Springer indicated he would be unable to continue his program should his nomination be approved.

Minority Leader Mitch McConnnell made the Republican stamp of approval when he remarked "Springer is a lot less liberal than most of the candidates we expected, we kept expecting Bill Mahr or Oprah Winfrey to be named."

There were still some Democrats strongly opposed to the nomination though. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York has promised to lead a filibuster and block the appointment. "It's not just because Springer is dangerously unqualified for such a high office, but we were promised former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, who resided over the People's Court for several seasons."

When asked to comment on the Ed Koch appointment, White House Press Secretary said that Koch was considered but never promised. "We had to go with the Justice who would draw the highest ratings, and that person is Jerry Springer."

The Prop 8 Decision: Equality Will Win Out in the End

2009-05-25T14:06:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow the California Supreme Court will issue its verdict on whether or not Proposition 8 is constitutional. The answer to this seemed obvious on a personal level, but I know that legal definitions can often be more convoluted and confusing, so I spent the last two days reading the California Constitution and the arguments against Proposition 8 to see if I could come to my own conclusions. As I researched, reading many of the current articles about the whole subject, I realized that even if the Court upholds Prop 8, its days are numbered.

After looking over the California Constitution, I realized that Prop 8 was a masterstroke of evil and legalese. There was little or nothing in the existing California constitution to refute it, except for those points which are being decided on by the CA Supreme Court right now: Is Prop 8 invalid because it constitutes a revision rather than an amendment? And, does Prop 8 violate the Separation of Powers doctrine under the Constitution? The first one seemed obvious to me, but we're talking about legal definitions here rather than common sense, but the second question seemed more obtuse and required a lot more research before I was able to understand it.

Does Proposition 8 count as a revision of the Constitution rather than an amendment? Since it takes away a previously existing (albeit for a brief time) right for a group of people, the answer is an obvious "yes." Had same sex marriage never been legalized, there would have been a valid argument for it being and amendment, but stripping away a right that the same Supreme Court had previously ruled as existing, clearly makes it a revision and not an amendment.

The question of whether Proposition 8 violated the Separation of Powers Doctrine under the Constitution seemed a bit murky at first, and looking at the Constitution itself didn't help matters. All it states is that "The powers of state government are legislative, executive, and judicial. Persons charged with the exercise of one power may not exercise either of the others except as permitted by this Constitution." What is not said here is that while the legislative branch's job is to pass the laws, it is the job of the judicial branch to interpret them. Proposition 8 only exists because some California citizens didn't like a particular interpretation of the existing law by the courts, so they passed a law which took the power of interpretation away from the courts. In effect, it was a legal act of spite, and the proper action of the courts would be to strike it down.

The main argument I've heard for the Supreme Court keeping Prop 8 is that they don't want to overturn the will of the voters. This argument was presented strongly by one of the Justices during the the Prop 8 hearings in March and gave many people the impression that Prop 8 would indeed be upheld. If this is the basis of their ruling, it should be noted that the will of the voters is shifting, and now favors overturning Prop 8 by a slight majority. Time is on the side of progressives, and the average person is getting over their fears and realizing that the world won't end because gay people are allowed to marry each other.

So if tomorrow is a setback rather than a day of celebration, I am confident that we'll see Prop 8 overturned and same sex marriage legalized within the next two to four years. I'll even be as bold to predict that we'll see a federal same sex bill in the Senate be 2016. I'm betting that the Supreme Court will do the right thing though and tomorrow will be a day of (re)celebration.

Changes to this Blog

2009-05-24T18:42:00.001-07:00

Over the next few weeks and months there will be some major changes to this blog. First and foremost will be the expansion of it's format, going beyond parody. I will from time to time be posting my own political musings, under the category of "opinion" (for all my right wing readers who have trouble telling the difference.) I expect to make my first opinionated post by tomorrow, so I figured a heads up was in order.

I will also be promoting some of my politically designed t-shirts and bumper stickers. Whether I do this as a blog entry or just something in the sidebar is yet to be decided, but I thought I would give everyone fair warning.

I also intend on posting far more frequently, hopefully getting at least two or three posts a week here. I enjoy writing for PM, even when my posts have been few and far between. Often I'll have a post in mind, but get so bogged down with my day job and other responsibilities that the moment passes and the story is no longer relevant. That is going to change, I will now set aside a little time each day for writing either here or in one of my other blogs.

If you're a fan of this blog, I hope you'll enjoy the expanded content. If you're one of the Conservatives who feel that you have been scandalized by this blog, don't worry, there's still time to become a progressive before I poke fun at your foibles. What do you think really made Arlen Spector change parties?

Republican Party Galvanizes Around Dijon-Gate

2009-05-11T10:53:00.001-07:00

A seemingly innocent choice of condiments has erupted into a nationwide scandal, and has finally given Republicans a rallying cry against the Obama administration. After months and months of failed attacks on his acquaintances, his religion, and his citizenship, the Republicans have found something that sticks: Dijon Mustard.

Until now Barack Obama has been the Teflon President, deflecting a constant string of right-wing attacks and accusations with style, grace and humor. The more rabid his political opponents became, the more Barck Obama shined; however, that all came crashing down this weekend when his All-American image was shattered by his ordering of Dijon Mustard on a cheeseburger.

Right wing pundits pounced causing Kraft Foods stock sym KFT (the makers of Grey Poupon) to plunge in early trading. Short selling was quickly halted on the stock, and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner called a press conference to inform the country that TARP funds would be used to shore up Kraft Foods stock. Geithner stated: "With products like Grey Poupon and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the company is too tasty to fail." The stock soared in late trading, but the fallout of Dijon-gate has only just begun.

"This is the biggest scandal since Whitewater!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shouted on the Senate floor, holding a bottle of French's yellow mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. "I demand a specical commission be appointed to examine this obvious French-Socialist influence on our governement!"

A similar proposal was made in the House by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, who further suggested that the eating of mustard on anything but hot dogs was an strong indicator of Socialist infiltration into the mind of the eater. She demanded an immediate investigation into all of the "Dijon Democrats." Both proposals were of course voted down by the Democrats, but not without loud accusations of cover up by the Republicans.

"This is not over!" House Minority Leader John Boehner promised in an afternoon press conference. "The Republican party will employ an outside independent investigation, headed by CRC Public Relations, a patriotic firm with no political affiliations whatsoever." When a reporter pointed out that CRC Public Relations was the company behind the Swift Boat ads against John Kerry in 2004, security immediately had her ejected from the news conference and Boehner described her as a "Dijon Demmie spy."

Former presidential candidates and 2012 hopefuls, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee also weighed in: Sarah Palin smiled before the cameras with a moose dog in one hand and a bottle of yellow mustard in the other. "If yellow mustard was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me." In a separate news conference Mike Huckabee stated: "The devil may have created dijon mustard, but it was God's will that Obama put it on his cheeseburger and exposed his corrupt nature for all the world to see."

Editor in Chief Returns After Unexpected Hiatus

2009-04-29T09:21:00.001-07:00

April 29, 2009 Paicines, CA: After a long and unexpected hiatus, the Editor in Chief of Parabolic Mirror, John McNally, has returned to his former post. We the non-existent staff here welcome him with open arms. When asked where he has been for the past eight months, Mr. McNally surprised us all by telling us that he has been working undercover for the RNC Think Tank: The Conservative Enterprise Foundation which has been directing Republican strategy for the past year.

"It wasn't really a planned operation." McNally explained, "Many years ago I signed up to a Conservative newsletter under the alias Odgen Thortensen. I did so at the time to get another source for Parabolic Mirror. I barely participated, but made sure to occasionally reply to science based posts with 'that's not in the Bible' and anything involving government spending with 'the road to Europe is paved with socialist intentions.' Little did I know that my lengthy periods of silence gave me the reputation of being deep. Before I knew it, prominent Republicans were sending me private messages asking me for advice. My first major bit of advice was for John McCain to pick Sarah Palin as his running mate. I thought for sure that would expose me but to my shock they actually went with it."

"Then I was invited to speak at the Conservative Enterprise Foundation, I had no idea it was basically a job interview. I wrote the funniest, most brainless speech I could imagine. I told them the future of the Republican party was in doubling down on on key issues: No Global Warming, no government spending, and tell the country that "everything is just fine. When it was finished, they offered me a position, they even had my name on a brass doorplate, how could I say no to that?"

"Every morning thereafter," McNally continued, "I would play the part of Odgen Thortonsen, dolling out bits of useless advice that made Rush Limbaugh sound liberal. I helped Bobby Jindal write his reubuttal to President Obama's Inauguration speech, and endorsed New Gingrich as the candidate for 2012. My most recent act was to coach John Boehner on global warming, telling him that CO2 was the gas cows produced when they farted."

"Of course, this post might blow Ogden's cover, but then again, Ogden might inform his right wing buddies that this is all a fantasy cooked up by the liberal media, which of course is true - or is it?"

Paulson Plan Revealed: 700 Billion To Be Spent On Lotto Tickets

2008-09-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

Washington DC, The House and Senate were shocked today to learn the details of Henry Paulson's plan to save Wall St. and the ailing US Economy.

"I intend to buy 700 Billion Lotto tickets, dividing the money up between all states that hold either Lotto or Powerball lotteries." Paulson announced to reporters on the steps of the Treasury Building. "It's well known that the odds of winning any given lottery are hundreds of millions to one, by investing in hundreds of millions of tickets in each state, I will even those odds and cash in on all the grand prizes." Paulson went on further to explain that since a portion of the money goes to each state that sponsors a lottery, it will stimulate their local economies.

And if there are any leftover funds after the initial investment? "Scratchers." Treasury Secretary Paulson said proudly, "lots of scratchers."

Notary Publics Recruited For Homeland Security

2008-03-15T22:18:00.001-07:00

Washington DC In its ever expanding efforts to combat terrorism, the Department of Homeland Security has called upon the services of an often overlooked public official, the humble Notary Public.

"Notary Publics take an oath to defend this country and the constitution just like any soldier." explained Michael Chertoff the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. "During this time of crisis, we are calling all notaries into active duty in order to help us fight the war against terror."

Normally, a Notary Public's duties involve acting as an official witness to the signing of documents but under the new DHS guidelines the Notary's powers will be greatly expanded. Notary Publics will now be deputized in the same manner as bounty hunters, and will be given the power to arrest suspected terrorists wherever they believe them to be. Like other law enforcement officers, Notaries will not be impeded by the 4th amendment or any other part of the US Constitution, they can act with impunity, and in the event of a mistake being made, the government will issue official apologies. As an added bonus, legislation has been brought to congress making Notaries immune to all lawsuits past, present and future. Notaries will no longer be required to carry expensive bonds or insurance in exchange for their greater role as public servants.

In order to fulfill their new duties, DHS will supply all Notaries with a new arsenal of terrorist fighting supplies. The new Notary Journals will be coated with Kevlar to deflect terrorist bullets. One end of the book will be sharpened to serve as a blade in hand to hand combat. The standard Notary stamp will be replaced with a taser stamp which can apply a 75,000 volt shock along with a crisp image of the Notary's official seal. Finally, the thumbprint inker will embed a microscopic RFID chip into the thumb of every person who uses it. These chips will be monitored by satellite allowing the government to track potential terrorists with advanced GPS systems. All of these supplies will be offered to Notaries at a substantial discount through the National Notary Association.

In order to seal the deal, the Dept of Homeland Security has offered a generous incentive program for Notaries who embrace their patriotic duties. "For every suspected terrorist a Notary turns in," explained Chertoff, "a fee of 5.00 will be paid. In the event of a conviction, a generous 25% bonus will be given on top of that totaling 6.25 for the Notary. We expect to be issuing checks very soon."

Mitt Romney Quits Race to Stop the Terrorists

2008-02-07T21:55:00.000-08:00

February 07, 2008 Washington DC In a selfless show of both party unity and concern for the welfare of his fellow Americans, Mitt Romney bowed out of the Republican presidential race today.

In a speech before the Justice League of America, Romney revealed for the first time the super powers he gained when he was CEO of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games. While he didn't reveal any specifics, it is assumed that his rich luxurious hair is bulletproof and probably deflects mind control rays.

In his speech, Romney also revealed that both Democratic rivals Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are pawns of "The Terrorists" a secretive organization of cave dwelling humanoids that manipulate the weak with their secret mind powers.

Sporting a pair of shiny red tights with the GOP logo on his chest and a flowing navy blue cape adorned with stars, Romney looked every inch the superhero. He assured us that he would not be alone in his quest, but would be joined by a recently resurrected Zombie Reagan who will not only help Romney defeat "The Terrorists" but restore hope to America once again.

"This mission of ours may take us beyond the November elections to complete." Romney announced, "and so I must suspend my campaign for the greater good. However we will be back in time for the 2012 elections. To quote my sidekick when he was still alive: 'There is no substitute for victory.'"

When asked now about his new role in world events, Zombie Reagan's only response was: "Brains."

Entrepreneur Converts Huge Stock Market Decline into Ski Slopes

2008-01-23T08:16:00.001-08:00

January 23, 2008, Las Vegas Nevada As the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to plummet towards new yearly lows, savvy Venture Capitalists are reaching out for a new source of revenue - the skier.

"I was looking at the Dow Jones charts for the last three months and realized that it resembled an excellent ski slope." Thomas Applebee the CEO of the new Ski Dow Inc. (NASDAQ:SLIDE) a Las Vegas based company that reproduces the Dow Jones, NASDAQ, and AMEX charts as three dimensional ski slopes by using artificially generated snow.

Applebee and his fellow investors have been dubbed the "Snow Bears" because their scheme is dependent on the continual decline of the Stock Market. "People tell us that the market won't go down forever, " Applebee said, "but right now it's in a long term slide with only occasional bumps to give the skiers a thrill."

When asked about future plans for Ski Dow, Applebee wasn't very specific. "We're still researching other potential slopes. We had hoped to introduce the US Dollar slope next year, but so far the slope is far too steep for anyone to ski it.

Obama Declares Oprah As His Running Mate

2007-12-09T23:29:00.001-08:00

Columbia, South Carolina - On the heels of his largest campaign audience ever, Senator Barack Obama stunned country this evening by announcing that Oprah Winfrey would be his running mate on the Democratic ticket.

Pundits were divided as to whether this was a shrewd move on the Senator's part or a further proof of his political naivete. "It's sheer genius!" Said Paul Gluckman, a political columnist for the NY Times. "It's following in the tradition of Reagan, Clint Eastwood and Arnold Schwarzenegger, but Oprah is bigger and better than all of them."

Chief among critics have been Obama's political opponents, particularly Hillary Clinton who upon hearing the news commented: "It's absolutely absurd! You wouldn't catch me using someone's celebrity status to further my own campaign ambitions."

Across the country, Obama's popularity has rocketed, easily surpassing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. In fact, a new Zogby poll due out tomorrow shows that the Obama-Winfrey ticket would not only win an election being held today, but they would beat all other candidates combined, be the next American Idol and the last Survivor.

Republican rivals are scrambling to try and match the star power of the new ticket. Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has asked radio commentator Rush Limbaugh to be his running mate, while Senator John McCain has asked rapper Jay-Z to be his Vice President. While there has been no official word from Jay-Z yet, a reporter caught John McCain rehearsing "Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem) "in an Iowa a men's room.

As lawmakers become concerned that unqualified people might find themselves elected to the Whitehouse, Hollywood agents are now taking courses in political science. "You want to follow your star to the top." Harry Elcrow said, a former agent for California Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger, "it's not enough to be a leading man or leading lady anymore, you need to be a leader as well, and the right agent can be right there as the next Karl Rove."

Publisher Confirms Bush Unknowingly Knew Nothing

2007-11-23T15:58:00.001-08:00

November 23, 2007, WASHINGTON - Scott McClellan shocked the country earlier this week by releasing a teaser from his upcoming book: In A World Of Stooges, I Was Barely The Second Curly" McClellan stated that he "unknowingly passed on false information" and named "the president himself" as one of the people who passed this information. But after a brief visit from the NSA, Peter Osnos editor and chief of Public Affairs Books has promised that McClellan "did not intend to suggest that Bush lied to him."

"In fact," Osnos states: "Scott has made it clear to me that Bush knew nothing of any events taking place within his administration, and any information passed onto Scott was done only knowing that he wasn't aware of having any knowledge of knowing the words that were flowing from his lips. Furthermore, the President was in an altered state of consciousness during the writing of any memos, therefore knew not what he had written nor does he know not whether what he wrote was actually what was given to Scott McClellan at the time."

When asked to clarify his statements Mr. Osnos held up two heavily bandaged fingers and simply said: "I have to go now."

A later press release from Public Affairs Books has noted that the book is being rechecked for accuracy and promises that it will be a glowing memoir of life in the most honest and dignified Administration in history.

Chinese Satellite Momentarily Blocks Alien Mind Control Ray

2007-11-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

Washington DC, Transmissions from the Chinese satellite that recently entered lunar orbit interfered with an alien mind control device which is situated on the dark side of the Moon. The interference only lasted about forty five minutes, but managed to cause great chaos in Congress as many Republicans found themselves able to think independently for the first time in years.

The interruption took place as Congressman Dennis Kucinich was bringing HR. 333 to the floor, a resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney. Republicans, who were expected to vote in favor of tabling the resolution found themselves suddenly able to think again, and began changing their votes in favor of debating the issue.

The change was short lived though, as soon as the secret alien overlords caught on to what was happening, they changed transmission frequencies and the Republicans in Congress slipped back into their customary drooling stupor.

Dennis Kucinich may have scored a small political victory, as the resolution was ordered to the House Judiciary committee where it may yet get a full hearing. However it is unlikely that the measure will ever reach the House floor, as the Republican members of Congress began chanting the word "Brains!" and attacking their Democratic rivals.

Diplomatic SWAT Team Sent to Rescue Rumsfeld

2007-10-31T17:20:00.000-07:00

Breaking News... Washington D.C. Hot on the heels of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's brush with French authorities, the US State Department is launching a bold new diplomatic rescue effort.

The diplomatic SWAT team is the brainchild of Karen Hughes who resigned her position as the head of the State Department's Public Diplomacy Operation, so that she may head up the rescue effort herself.

"This is what we've been training for for years." Hugh's said to reporters "U.S. Officials, whether active or retired are not subject to international law, and my team has the expertise for these types of situations."

While the details of the diplomatic SWAT team are officially top secret. It is believed that it consists of twelve State Department diplomats, whom have received training in everything from Ninja pen throwing to hyper-doublespeak. It is known that over forty candidates were sent to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation for training between 2005 and 2006, two of whom were injured in when their armored briefcases failed to stop incoming bullets.

The SWAT team has it's work cut out for them though as nobody is quite sure of Rumsfeld's current location. It's believed that he maybe hiding in an underground bunker in Berlin, but that report is still unverified.

When asked how the SWAT team would respond if Rumsfeld is taken into custody by French or other European authorities, Hughes simply replied. "That is not an option." then pulled her Ninja mask over her head and disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

FEMA Takes Back Apology for Phony Press Conference

2007-10-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC, On the heels of it's own apology for holding a phony news conference last Tuesday, FEMA Deputy Administrator Harvey Johnson announced Sunday that he was taking back his apology claiming that he was only following standard White House procedures.

Citing such personalities as Jeff Gannon, the Republican operative and former gay prostitute who was accepted into the White House Press Corps, Johnson stated that it has been U.S. government policy for almost seven years to hold phony news conferences. "Frankly, I don't understand why everyone's so upset." He stated, "it's as if I just informed everyone that Santa Claus is a myth or that the government is monitoring your bathroom habits."

Quick to respond to this latest crisis, Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security which has authority over FEMA stated that while it was true that Johnson had only been following standard government procedures, it was also standard procedure in these cases to blame a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb.

Michael Chertoff stepped in personally to remove Mr. Johnson of his name badge and FEMA Vest, and informed him that he could no longer tell people about FEMA's fried pickles. He was then sent overseas to an undisclosed location for re-Neducation.

Congress also acted swiftly to chastise Mr. Johnson for his remarks. Rep. Jerry Lewis (R) put forth an amendment condemning Mr. Johnson for his remarks about Santa Claus. The measure was quickly challenged by Speaker Nancy Pelosi who accused the Representative Lewis of wasting the Congress's time. She did allow the vote however which passed overwhelmingly 341-79.

FCC Allows Commercialization of Emergency Vehicle Frequencies

2007-10-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C., The FCC in a bold move today announced it's intention to license emergency vehicle frequencies as well as other frequencies used by municipalities around the country, for commercial use. Frequencies ranging from the 30.100 through the 900k range will be offered up to commercial media outlets under special conditions.

"It became obvious to us," said FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, "that there is a great deal of dead airtime on these frequencies, so much sometimes that police officers, fire fighters and EMT's need to periodically check their equipment to ensure that it is working." The solution, according to Mr. Martin is to license the bands to corporations that will provide a variety of music and talk entertainment. The broadcasts will be suppressed when an emergency call is coming through, but otherwise it will provide non-stop entertainment for what is often a stressful and exhausting job.

The new plan requires approval by Congress, and Democratic leaders have expressed from doubts. "If we find this proposal to be detrimental in any way," said Speaker Pelosi, "we will put on a big show of stopping it and pass it nevertheless."

Shares of Clear Channel Communications (NYSE CCU), the nation's largest media holder, jumped 10% on the release of the news.

John McNally: Contributing Writer

CIA Headquarters Disappears in Recursive Quantum Loop

2007-10-14T15:24:00.001-07:00

McLean, VA. The Central Intelligence Agency in a strange combination of attempts to avoid admitting they had engaged in torture, accidentally created a recursive quantum loop which caused the organization and its employees to disappear from this universe into parts unknown.

The problem began when CIA Director Michael Hayden created a committee to investigate the investigator who had been appointed to investigate the CIA Inspector General John Helgerson. The IG it seems had written a report criticizing the CIA's use of torture, rendition and the strange habit of putting mustard on their Freedom Fries. Dissatisfied with these unflattering reports, Hayden appointed a special investigator to investigate the Inspector General with the understanding that the IG was to be found at fault for everything since the Bay of Pigs Invasion in 1962.

Problems arose however when the Special Investigator reported back that there was nothing wrong with Inspector General John Heigerson's methods or conclusions. Hayden reportedly "blew a gasket" and accused the Inspector of being in league with the terrorists and hating America. Hayden then began forming a committee of investigators to get to the bottom of the whole affair which of course didn't really exist.

This is where quantum physics and the conscious universe stepped in. Since the ultimate goal of these investigations was non-existent, Hayden was essentially trying to divide by zero. The universe will only tolerate such nonsense for so long, and promptly drop kicked the entire organization into a more tolerant and forgiving universe.

As the full impact of this cosmic event takes effect, the entire history of the CIA will soon evaporate into the ether as if it never existed. The upside for the US economy will be a surge in funds, as the money formerly spent on Black Budget operations since it's founding in 1947 will now be incorporated back into the U.S. Treasury, causing an estimated surplus of 30 trillion dollars.

Since our memories of the organization will soon be erased as well, the White House has chosen not to comment on the event, but President Bush has already earmarked the 30 trillion dollars for tax relief for the struggling top 1%.

Republican Debate Brings Innovative Ideas

2007-10-10T11:17:00.001-07:00

Dearborn, Michigan, Last night's Republican Party debate broke with the usual banter of who's really going to lower taxes and why Social Security is to blame for Global Warming, to introduce some innovative ideas to deal with the country's increasing financial woes. While all the candidates agreed that the economy was fine, each of the major candidates had a unique approach for increasing federal revenue while continuing to lower taxes for the top 1%.

"Corporate Sponsorship of Federal buildings and National Monuments." Mitt Romney announced, feeling that he had trumped his rivals. "I already have bids from AT&T, McDonalds and Haliburton for corporate sponsorship of the Whitehouse. This will include a large neon sign flashing the logo of the sponsor in that wasted space on the roof of the Whitehouse where the flag currently resides.

Praising the booming prison industry, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani advocated a newer, entry level police force. "These locally organized Neighborhood Watches would be organized by Block Captains and Watch Masters, who would then report to their local police. They would be the eyes and ears of the community, earning a commission for each crime they reported leading to a successful arrest."

John McCain promised to solve the nation's growing unemployment problem by offering a series of low cost college education courses on how people can make money with EBay. "Currently 50,000 people are making a living on EBAY, and they aren't burdening the corporate infrastructure with unneeded medical benefits either."

Mike Huckabee suggested eliminating income taxes all together and replacing them with a "porn tax." "It's a shameful secret that internet porn is the biggest industry in our country right now." Huckabee said, "I propose we tax it on a tiered scale, with nudie pictures at the lower end and disgusting homosexual and bisexual activity at the highest tier.

Sam Brownback outlined a detailed plan based on the Dept of Defense's "Base Reassignment and Closures" which consolidated military operations around the country. "My plan is to merge broad sections of government to make them more cost effective and efficient. Our 400+ Congressmen and women do not need to be physically in Washington for example, so I propose we merge them with the Forest Service and station them in our National Parks with a cell phone so that they can phone in their votes. Furthermore, it's become obvious that neither the FAA or the FCC does very much anymore, and both organizations involve the airways, so I propose combining them." Brownback went on further to explain that he would merge the IRS with the Dept of Transportation, creating convenient tax collecting on public roadways and the Dept of Immigration with NASA, since both organizations deal with aliens.

The only big disappointment in the debate was newcomer Fred Thompson, who fell asleep twice and mumbled something about rising unemployment being tied to international Furby trade and that the motor of the economy was driven by a small school of carp.

When asked to elaborate on this Mr. Thompson simply said "Yes." and then took another nap.