A loner's Ravings

Coward

2009-07-10T20:18:00.001-07:00

My old companion is back. Dark, brooding, forever sincere and relentless, like god.
You hold my life in your hands and play with it. No quarter given.
Dear friend, darkest depression. You visit uninvited and you take control.
I am tired. Sick and tired of fighting you. I accept defeat. Call me coward, but I cannot fight anymore.

2009-07-06T05:55:00.000-07:00

What power, what evil power does alcohol have over me ! I know I am not alone. But the world of fiction ceated by this liquid is indeed small and fearsome. And I have to battle alone. No excuses, man. It is not just your world.

SWOT

2009-06-30T21:40:00.001-07:00

Time. The great healer. How true. The pain of knowledge is now wearing away. Slowly easing.
As she left the clinic he found himself bewildered by the deep mystery of knowledge. Historical knowledge to knowledge of the future. Maybe everything is same.
SWOT. He thougt wryly. Planning for the unplannable.

2009-06-25T23:01:00.001-07:00

Help.

2009-06-22T09:24:00.001-07:00

Why did you think you would be welcome all the time ! You are a cipher. A nonentity.
Do not intrude into their privacy.
Solitude cannot be shared.

2009-06-22T02:55:00.001-07:00

Sunrise elated her. What glory just to be alive.

2009-06-19T05:30:00.001-07:00

What happens when your nose dominates your day and your night and the rest of your life. Her reaction on that fateful day when the poor, helpless doctor reluctantly broke the news to her had been spontaneous. Almost a reflex.
What happens to my son, my husband. They are my family. They need me. But now the monstrous, ruthless nose hid them. I am a nose. My life is a nose. As hard as I try to forget it, the phenomenal nose dances back to life. Mocking me, my family, my values, everything I cherish.
Her life had changed, she realized dully. Changed irrevocably.

The Nose

2009-06-16T21:30:00.001-07:00

Life has become a twenty four hour grind, a loosing struggle with the mundane. She had never realized a nose could be so overpoweringly important.
Every waking moment was dominated by the nose. In sleep it beame menacingly huge and heavy pulling her head down. Night after night she dreamt that she had become just a Nose.

2009-06-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

I have completed my work as best as I could. That is far short of all that I wanted to do. Some things must remain unfulfilled. Forever. Among them will remain much of what I cherished.
No regrets, though. Human is by default unfullfilled.

2009-05-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

He couldn't get her off his mind. He had seen so many cancers - there was nothing really special about this case.
Except maybe the intensity of her family ties. She stood at the center of the family circle, like the sun.
Darkness must follow her inevitable demise.

The Son

2009-05-26T20:57:00.001-07:00

The boy was trying to run witout falling. He had flatfoot and weak muscles. The strain of the overwhelming desire to run and play had made him sweat.
She watched him silently, numbly. My son. She remembered the thrill of his first step in her womb. The seed had sprouted. That was seven years ago. The never fading memories of the exultation and agony of motherhood. The everlasting anguish of a mother who knows her only child cannot be fully normal.
The boy fell down on the lawn, picked himself up bravely and continued running.
My son, she thought. Be brave, be ready to be alone.

2009-05-24T20:44:00.001-07:00

The bleeding from the nose has stopped, she noted with relief. Temporary relief, she realized. Secondaries in the bone recur with the inevitalbility of death. Flimsy. That is what life is.

2009-05-17T00:30:00.001-07:00

Death. Blessed slumber. Beacon of everlasting peace. Hallowed companion.
Life. The first tentative step towards eternity.
So why despair about cancer.

The Transformation

2009-05-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

She was home. She was at work. She was at a loss.
What is happening? She had no idea. All she knew was that she had changed almost overnight. Small things irritated her so much she realized she was quarreling all the time. That is stupid, they did nothing wrong, she told herself. Maybe it is because I have changed. And how !!

2009-05-12T10:59:00.001-07:00

The day was finally over. He was back home. Back to his never ending introspection.

Today her image obscured everything else. The small, ominous red spot in that nose. The unhappy girl trying vainly to be brave. All her anxiety, all her fears showed so painfully through that wan mask.
The thought of the tumor growing in her nose, the deformity of that lovely face, the pain and the eventual, eternal sleep that would claim her soon.

Have I helped her ?

How futile !

First blood

2009-05-11T10:11:00.001-07:00

She noticed it after the steam inhalation session. The small speck of blood in her left nostril. Philosophy is no good when faced with blood. Instinctively she realised what it was. The cancer is angry, restless. It is eating away my nose. A prelude to the pain and deformity that is my destiny.

Silence

2009-04-18T09:56:00.001-07:00

Listen intently. That is the silence whispering.

The Scan

2009-04-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

The cruel, unrelenting spot was still there on the scan. It seemed to smirk, like a living monster, saying "Go on. Try to get rid of me, if you can." She stared numbly at the scan.
The doctor was babbling something about it being OK, we will take the treatment again. Some part of her mind heard those words, and judged them for what they were- mere words. She wanted to stay calm, not let go. At the same time she wanted to scream: "Listen, Doc. You are taking about my body, this disease eating away My body, and possible end of my existence. So what do you mean- we will try again!"
At the same time she realized, she was being unreasonable. After all this guy is only a doctor. He is not God. And I have been praying to the Almighty every waking hour of my life, for I don't know how long. And He chose to slap this scan on me. And He knows best.
She felt laughter and tears of anguish mix deep in her soul. All right God. If it be thy will, I accept. Anyway, You don't give much choice, do you.
She wondered about all the prayers. All the fasting and ridiculous rituals she had tried, and the immense Hope she had placed in the Great Power. And now, here she was, in front of this silly guy, trying to console her. You have no idea about the torment of being a wife and a mother. Then how can you ever hope to understand what it means to be a wife and a mother and realize that you will leave this world so much sooner than either the husband or the son. The torment of knowing that without her they would be helpless.
Maybe I am over ratting myself, she reminded herself. This beautiful world existed before me. It will continue to exist after me. All these people and the dust and the noise. I won't even be missed after a while.
Adieu.

2009-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Words. Worthless scribbles. This year has been dry, for this blog.

2008-12-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

"Whenever I feel lonely, I curse you from the bottom of my heart. If you feel guilty at least once before you die, I will praise the God". The you in the above refers to this loner

2008-12-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted a word in nearly two months. That is a billion years in blogdom. But these last couple of months have been really bad for me. Actually the last seven months. I didn't know I had it me to hold out so long when faced with such a fierce moral disquiet. It is all right to talk about being a loner, but this stupid world is real and the agonies of existence are all to real.
I am no longer what I used to be. The old loner is no more. The external world which I inhabit appears the same. The trees, the weather, the skies and the stars are all the same. But something disappeared form the world and from my soul.
Now I realize the true meaning of loneliness. I am beginning to understand why He prayed alone and why He wept.
I! Even the word I irritates me now. It reminds me of this useless body. I have started looking forward to the day when whatever is locked up inside this body is finally liberated, be the destination what it may. I cannot care less.
Heaven. Hell. Sin. Come on!! What can be worse than this world. Or my life.

The Prayer

2008-10-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

"And when He had sent the multitudes away,He went up on a mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there" (Mat 14:23).

How could anyone express the anguish of a loner better than this! What went through his mind during this time, when the evening found Him alone? When he prayed later, that the cup may, if such be HIS will, pass from him. Total, unspeakable loneliness.

All prayer is in utter loneliness even when you pray in the " street corner".

2008-10-05T13:14:00.000-07:00

I am geting confused. If the saviour died taking upon himself all the sins of mankind, am I still a sinner? Or where my sins taken care of 2000 years ago?

2008-08-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

How quickly life changes. She said. She had reason to say that. Six months ago, when I had seen her last, she was as pretty as ever. Now cancer has eaten its way into her brain. Chemotherapy has devastated her body. Only the old fighting spirit remains. And the humor.

2008-07-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

The dark clouds loom yet again. The wind screams vengefully. I sit, as usual, watching the waves roll and play and inviting me to join. To become part of its substance. Not yet, my friend. Not yet. My time will come, to join you. And we shall play together