God's Awesome Gift: KSU

Reesing Outed?

2008-07-23T02:07:00.006-03:00

Renowned kick ass journalist Tim Griffin is in the process of trying to out Kansas football douche Todd Reesing on super gay friendly ESPN.com.

In the first part of Griffin's exclusive interview, Reesing talks of his passion for dancing and sucking on cock. Reesing is rumored to have thought that he was speaking off the record and now denies saying that he likes to suck on cock.

Personally, I don't know what to believe about Reesing and sucking cock. He's probably not really gay. But here are some additional excerpts from the interview. I say you be the judge. Or don't be.

TG: So, Todd, you say that you like to suck on cock. Are you gay or what?

TR: Yep. Totally.

TG: Other than dancing and sucking on cock, what sorts of gay things do you like to do?

TR: I'm a big fan of interior design. I like watching all my design shows on TV and then sucking on cock.

TG: Do you do any designing yourself or do you just watch on TV and suck on cock?

TR: Yes, yes, and YES!

TG: Tell me about some other gay things you like to do.

TR: Well, let's see. I like to play volleyball with naked dudes.

TG: I see. You love playing all kinds of sports, don't you?

TR: Actually, I don't really care for volleyball. I just like to watch dudes' cocks flopping up and down.

TG: Let me guess. You then suck on those cocks after the match?

TR: Ewww. Gross. You mean suck on those sweaty, sandy volleyball cocks?

Um, yeah, I do. What can I say? I just love sucking on cock.

d00ds! You Know Me!

2008-07-18T00:33:00.004-03:00

Guy at work pretty sure he isn't Ron Prince. Would appreciate it if you knocked it the fuck off RIGHT now.

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Dos

2008-07-03T01:22:00.004-03:00

Want to know who would make an excellent replacement for Ron Prince? Here's a hint. Who is someone that really fucking loves Manhattan? Bob Stoops, you say? Uh, yeah, that's it. Bob Stoops. I didn't expect you to get the answer so quickly, but whatever, man. You got it.

Bob Stoops fucking loves Manhattan. He fucking loves it. That much is certain. Throw on a v-neck sweater and head down to Kite's on any given night of the week and you're likely to catch Bob being Bob. That Bob is crazy, man. That dude is just crazy.

Here's another hint. Who proudly throws on a KSU logo over their officially licensed red and white (crimson and cream) coaching gear whenever the opportunity arises? ("Crimson and cream" was another hint.) Okay, yeah. Bob Stoops. We already knew that, I guess. Moving on.

CONNECTIONS. As many of you know, Stoops worked at Florida State prior to giving his notice, packing his bags, and leaving in order to have his so-called "Decade of Dominance" at Oklahoma. Well, what most of you don't know is that, prior to all of that stuff, Bob worked with ex-KSU head coach Bill Snyder at Iowa before Snyder left Iowa to coach at KSU. In a nutshell, this means that Bill Snyder knows Bob Stoops.

Now, I don't know if we want Bob Stoops or not. But all indications are that he's ours if we do. This is great news, KSU fans!

GO CATS!

Finally Rid of that Crazy Bastard

2008-06-28T09:41:00.007-03:00

Good luck with all of that, Pat.

Sucker.

KU Expansion More Than Just Clip-Art/Porta-Potties

2008-06-28T02:34:00.008-03:00

In a bold move by anyone's standards, Lew Perkins has approved the construction of new "Ultra-Suites" at the KU football/track facility (pictured left). "We knew that, in order to keep up with the big dogs of the state of Kansas, we would need to market our attraction to the elite of the elite fans," Lew announced, "We believe that these premium seats will attract the kind of season ticket holder the University of Kansas football and field day event teams covet." It wasn't all hoopla and parades with this announcement though. KU faced stiff financial barriers in instituting such an aggressive construction effort. "We gathered cans for months and had cake raffle after cake raffle but we finally came up with the seven hundred and fifty bucks needed to make this happen," Lew told the gathered pedestrians outside of the Memorial Stadium parking lot. "We believe this puts us right up there with the Liberals and Garden Citys of the world.... Hell, we purchased our porta-potties from the same vendor Ness City got theirs from and we were told we got a newer model since Ness upgraded theirs." When asked what other expansions KU may have in store for their fans Lew gave a sly wink and suggested the work may not be done, "Coffeyville Community College may not be fourth in the state in concession locations for very many more years." Stay tuned Hawk fans, this could be an exciting ride!

Pelini May Or May Not Love Rape (Probably Does)

2008-06-21T02:16:00.011-03:00

This week God's is continuing it's look into the culture of rape in and around the trash schools of the Big 12. We now turn our attention to the most notorious "rapers" of the bunch...Nebraska. You think the prisoners still run this asylum? This is not your slightly older brother's Nebraska, friend. Gone are the days of Tom Osborne organizing team "train rides" on innocent campus females. You see, noted drunk Bo Pelini has decided to institute a zero tolerance policy on each and every player. No longer will there be dirtbag coaches allowing the Peters and Phillips of the world to terrorize and sexually assault the campus co-eds. No sir, you see, when a TE gets his third DUI in the span of one year he will be walking a tight rope of suspension if he even THINKS about getting the fourth. If an offensive lineman gets charged with first-degree sexual assault he better pray to God that he doesn't get charged with ANOTHER first-degree sexual assault or he could be humiliated with running stairs in front of the team. We are talking about ZERO TOLERANCE here folks. God's would also like to publicly announce it's non-affiliation with the disgusting campus newspaper The Daily Nebraskan that had the gall to write a piece questioning Coach Pelini's disciplinary tactics. Have you forgotten where you reside? Have you no respect for the highest office in your state? How dare you sirs..how dare you. Your disgusting link follows > STAFF EDITORIAL: Pelini Blocks DN, Reverses Decision - Opinion

The New Rock Chalk

2008-06-17T00:32:00.005-03:00

From now on, rock means rape. Oh, and chalk? That also now means rape. Why? It's because Jayhawk student athletes these days just can't get enough raping. They love to rape. They fucking love it.

The latest Jayhawk to profess his fierce crush on rape is Sherron "Otis Dick" Collins. Sherron (M) (Yes, (M)!) thumbed his nose at America today when he pretended that he was too stupid to understand that he needed to go to court due to pending rape charges. (As if he's never been there before!)

It's reported that Sherron had intended to go to court. When the time came, however, he found himself to be much too busy raping.

Thanks to ksuno1stunner for the recently taken photo of Collins.

'Grats!

2008-06-14T00:32:00.005-03:00

GAG would like to congratulate R. Kelly and Jocques Crawford for being able to continue their careers after raping someone. Congrats heroes!

What's the Matter with Lawrence, Kansas?

2008-06-07T00:09:00.001-03:00

Ron Prince Replacement Candidate Numbero Uno

2008-06-03T00:20:00.004-03:00

What do you do when you’re just not very good at life? I don’t know. Quit? Hell no. Never give up. Hire someone? No way. He may tell you to quit.

So, what do you do if one of your subordinates just isn’t very good at life? Tell him to quit? No way. That’s bad management. Hire someone that will tell him to quit for you? Hell yes!

Iowa athletic director Gary Barta is hiring a life-skills advisor for his department. This can only mean one thing. He wants someone to advise Kirk Ferentz that his life is best lived somewhere other than Iowa City.

A natural move for Ferentz would be to Manhattan, Kansas. Inside of Bill Snyder’s abdomen.

Later this year, after Ron Price waddles the sidelines for the last time, Ferentz would become the Kansas State head coach. Bill Snyder would merely serve as host coach and would act as something like a security blanket - something that KSU fans could quickly and easily look at in order to quell anxieties about the state of the football program. Basically, he’d function no differently than Tom Osborne in Nebraska.

I'm starting to feel better already. Please, God, make this happen.

GO CATS!

How many more games will you play for KSU?

2008-05-28T22:04:00.004-03:00

Okay, Dave, I can see that's a big zero for you. You say you had issues with trying to get an additional year of eligibility? Well, that's understandable, I suppose.

What about you, Bill? Is that a big zero for you, too? Well, just what the fuck is your problem? You have plenty of eligibility. You say that you want to get rich? No? That's not right? You say that you want to get rich, bitch. Okay, now I've got it. Go, then, young Bill. Go find your riches and your bitches and your ho's and whatever else you're looking for and go do those things that you young guys like to do. God bless America.

AND, AS ALWAYS, GO CATS!

Stewart Excited About Prospects

2008-05-24T02:58:00.004-03:00

Kansas State graduating point guard Clent Stewart is excited about his prospects, "You know, I've gotten some calls," Stewart remarked when asked about endorsement deals many players get. "The NCAA was quick to get in touch with me this season, I mean, they contacted me before Big 12 play started!" Stewart worried about keeping his eligibility and not breaking rules. "The NCAA kept calling and wanting to talk to me regarding their new campaign about athletes going pro in something other than sports. I was interested but had to tell them that it would have to wait until after my senior year or I could get in trouble!" Clent hopes the NCAA is still interested and assures GAG that he is, indeed, planning on going pro in something other than sports.

NFL's #1 Most Wanted Player

2008-05-21T23:34:00.006-03:00

We’ve been saying like forever now that Josh Freeman is the college player rated highest by the NFL. It’s a no brainer, really. Coach Ron’s reputation of developing top NFL talent alone tells us this. We need look no further than to the legend of the scumbag, burden to society, worthless POS who turned into the all pro Packer wide receiver. You look so beautiful, Jordy.

Now, however, we have solid proof. We have it from the mouths of the NFL scouts themselves that Freeman is indeed the NFL’s #1 most wanted player.

How do we know? We know because someone in the know let Jeff Martin know who then let us know. This inside info came from none other than Coach Ron himself.

I know what you are thinking. Why haven't I heard this before? Most coaches would have been trumpeting this kind of juicy yet sensational news to every major sports and sports related media source in the globe. Especially when you consider that Michael Beasley is sort of stealing all of the thunder away from the football team as the NBA’s #1 most wanted player. Put in this position, most football coaches would be like, "Me, too! Me, too!"

Coach Ron, on the other hand, just kind of casually let this info slip out while he was chatting with some alumni. But that’s just the kind of thing that separates someone like Coach Ron from all the rest. Thank God for that.

GO CATS!

Clip-Art Confident In Sustinance

2008-05-17T03:44:00.011-03:00

In a follow up story to a previous interview with KU football mascot Clip-Art, he's now confident he'll have a serviceable place to eat, "Looks like they're at least building a mid-level high school cafeteria for the employees to eat at....I mean, it doesn't look like much but it appears they may have room for a salad bar. Do you know when they'll break ground on the football facility?"

A 30 something Jayhawk tries to "play it cool" on Mass post-Championship

2008-05-14T02:24:00.004-03:00

Hilarity ensues!

Off Season for Self Getting Weirder

2008-05-12T19:51:00.002-03:00

Amidst reports that he has been running around the KU campus copping feels off of hottie co-ed victims, Bill Self has just done the unthinkable. I mean, it’s not unthinkable because of its heinous nature or anything like that. It’s just that you would never in your wildest dreams have imagined something like this happening because it’s so fucking bizarre.

Yesterday, Self was seen at the Liz Claiborne Outlet Store in Lawrence on his hands and knees and looking up skirts of store mannequins. Witnesses say that he looked up the skirts of three white mannequins and then was attempting to lift up the skirt of a black mannequin with his teeth when he realized that he was being watched and ran out of the store.

While Self has apparently done nothing illegal, he definitely weirded out a lot of people at the outlet mall. The store manager isn’t going to consider banning Self from the store, citing awesome free pub as the reason.

Generic Clip-Art Football Character Has Seen It All Now

2008-05-07T22:39:00.008-03:00

The generic clipart football character was recently included in something he never thought he would be a part of, "You have to be absolutely fist fucking me!" said Clip-Art, "I've been on tons of cheap homemade birthday party invites and grade school pee-wee league signup sheets but this is nuts." His exasperation stems from his sudden and strange inclusion on the new University of Kansas football facility. "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be here," said Clip-Art, "My only concern is that they may have second thoughts once they realize that the 3.1 million dollars they paid the architectural designer went straight up his nose and he shot me to them via hotmail the day his design was due. I mean, I was the third option after typing 'football player' in the Google image search."

"Self Copping Feels" Issue Continues To Fester

2008-05-05T16:12:00.003-03:00

Despite a huge media blitz over this past holiday weekend by the University of Kansas's Athletic Department, the buzz surrounding Bill Self and his habit of copping copious amounts of Jayhawk cheerleaders continues to be a sore spot for University officials. A spokesperson for the university commented to GAG: KSU off the record that "We tend to give coaches free reign in this area, and for good reason, however, Bill's actions have us rethinking our strategy in this space."

Hard to argue with anyone wanting to grab an occasional, stray, mooseknuckle. But to do it at such an historic and tradition laden venue such as Allane Field House in Lawrence, home to KU's Jayhawks, seems to almost reek of sacrilage.

As the head of facilities at Allane Field House, Parrish McWilliams has seen his share of what he calls "handsy coaches". Quoting Mr.McWilliams "sure, Larry loved the cheerleaders, Roy loved them all, grabbed ass all the time, and tits too! But Bill Self, he takes the cake, then grabs its ass."

All the while, Coach Self tries to address the problem in a more "hands-on" manner..."I just won the National Championship!" the Coach was quoted as yelling from his Lexus as he and Mario Chalmers drove by our reporters, apparently the pair were heading to Pita Pitt this morning for an unusual and oddly timed snack break.

See pic below, dude.

2008-05-02T01:50:00.007-03:00

Can you say Larry Eustachy? Well, by the time you do, the powers that be at the University of Kansas will have had the photo seen directly to the left removed form the Lawrence Journal-World and those responsible for its appearance fired, blacklisted, and kicked in the nads really hard. As per usual.

It's a pretty fucking good thing, then, that I learned how to "right click" followed by "save picture as" just the other day. Unfortunately, we now have documented evidence ON RECORD that the rumors you've heard about Bill Self copping feels up all around the KU campus are true, true, true. NCAA investigations are sure to follow. Major embarrassment is sure to follow that. And precede it, as well.

HERE ARE MY TERMS:

I will take this picture down when and only when the University of Kansas forfeits its 2008 national championship title. I will then not disclose any intel that I have obtained regarding Bill Self copping feels up. (Fans can keep their championship t-shirts.)

RON PRINCE FUN DAY!

2008-04-23T18:04:00.003-03:00

Do you like shooting guns? At people? Well, then, what do you think about Ron Prince?

One lucky KSU fan will soon win the fourth annual Dodge City Catbacker purple pride camouflage gun. In attendance for the presentation: Coach Ron.

After he dropped Fresno State off the schedule, we weren't sure. But it seems as though Coach Ron does indeed have some balls after all.

Remember, coach: Don't squat with your spurs on.

Ron Prince Seen Making The Rounds On ESPN

2008-04-22T11:53:00.005-03:00

In what can only lead to more good publicity for the Kansas State football program Ron Prince (pictured left) has recently been seen by this God's contributor making the rounds on the ESPN family of networks including a daily appearance on popular program PTI. Well, keep up the good work coach and we all look forward to a great 2008!

Kansas State Spring Game Recap!!

2008-04-20T23:36:00.004-03:00

Manhattan, KS- The Purple and White game was a thrilling match-up of defensive juggernauts as the Whiteys edged the Purps by a field goal on a picture-esque day in the Valley of the Wheat on the Plains by the Dam. The White sideline erupted in orgasmic exultation upon the oblong leather inflatable soared through the perpendiculars (Above). The previously suspect defense toyed with the two offensive sides leading Sophomore Linebacker Olu Hall to sum up the day thusly: “I thought that the defense did really good on both sides of the ball.” Later adding: "And the offense totally sucked balls on the third side of the ball."

On the offensive side of the ball, Josh "16 karat Golden Boy" Freeman (Above) seemed oblivious that the state of affairs was offensive. Freeman seemed dazed and confused and brought a family-size bag of Funions and an industrial bucket of Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing to the presser explaining, "You guys have no idea. I was in the zone. We ran soooo many plays dude." Freeman and the offensive team emerged amid a plume of smoke and the Junior quarterback hinted that celebrations might have started a day early "Life is just so complex, man. It's like we were talking about life, the offense and life, you know? Do you ever think about something and then you want to say what you're thinking about, but then you start thinking about what you're saying as you're saying it and you wonder if it makes any sense at all?"

But the Weekend Fan-Fest was not quite as "festive" for everyone. Some attendees were disappointed to arrive to find that the promised pre-kick concert featuring "The Goo Goo Dolls" had been canceled. Longtime Hutchinson resident and self-proclaimed "Goo face" Jacob Douchenberry. "We hadn't heard about the cancellation. It was a real let down." To make matters worse, others pointed out that the Wamego Tulip Festival conflicted with this year's annual pigskin kick-off. Dolores and Orville Turnipson of Tecumseh, have been attending both events for 37 years together. "We've never had the both on the same day," exclaimed Dolores. "I might not make it all the way through the game," said Orville, adding "I might take a nap or two."

Overall the day can be summed up by the box score with Cherry popping one through in the fourth quarter to save the assembled faithful from the specter of more scoreless football in overtime. Cherry's 51 yard score was the perfect end to an akward first date for Wildcat players and fans. Hopefully with some more practice and confidence the future will hold some more sustained drives, some more scoring and maybe even a successful foray in to the Endzone. Wildcat fans seem willing to go there, but the team still seems to be working things out on their own. Here's hoping for a more successful and exciting season than this fucking boner bruise of a Saturday.

Really it says it all.

2008-04-20T23:33:00.002-03:00

Lawrence, KS: Bottomless pit of awkward white guys

2008-04-18T20:30:00.005-03:00

Kansas Jayhawk defensive coordinator Clint Bowen presents the Ray Evans Defensive MVP Award to Aqib Talib and James McClinton then wishes he understood what they said to each other.

QUICK HITS OFF THE PIPE

2008-04-16T20:12:00.004-03:00

What's been going on so far this spring:

1. Spring game draft. Defensive coordinator Tim Tibesar surprised everyone when he took cornerback Josh Moore #1 in the spring game draft. Moore is a good pick. It's just that everyone thought he was looking at Josh Freeman. You know, because of the lazy eye or whatever it is.

2. Extra sweaty coach. Word around town is that Ron Prince has been boinking the wife of one of his assistant coaches. As hard as it is to believe considering who we're dealing with, Coach Ron will have to sweat this one out and pray to his false, evil god(s) that this thing will just kind of go away on its own.

3. Rookie coaching wanted. While Coach Ron isn't a rookie coach, in his frantic, desperate search for anything that might help save the impending disastrous season, he is seeking the counsel of those who have no experience coaching football. It's reported that Virginia defensive end Chris Long advised Coach Ron to utilize Ian Campbell in a way that would minimize his strengths. Coach Ron was surprised to discover that he hadn't adequately done exactly that last year and then thanked Chris Long for his graciousness and beauty.