The Melting Pot of Black Humour

SA Chewing Gum

2008-06-20T20:24:00.003Z

A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation: American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?" South African: "Of course." American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don´t.

In the States, we only eat what´s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa." South African: "Oh Really?" American: "D´ya eat jam with the bread?" South African: "Of course." American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth):

"We don´t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa." South African: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Of course we do." South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?" American: "Throw them away of course." South African: "We don´t. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

Deafness

2008-06-20T20:23:00.000Z

A concerned Koos goes to see the family doctor & says, -* "Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over & over again." -* "Well," the doctor replies, -* "go home & tonight stand about 15 feet from her & say something. If she doesn´t reply, move about five feet closer & say it again. Keep doing this, so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, Koos speeds home & does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen & as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Doll, what´s for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer & asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up & moves right behind her, about an inch away, & asks again, -* "Doll, what´s for dinner?" She replies, -* "Ag, man Koos for the fourth time, it’s vegetable stew!"

5000 years of technology

2008-06-20T20:22:00.000Z

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the South African press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely nothing. The governmen have concluded that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

Lost Wife In Supermarket

2008-06-20T20:21:00.000Z

Two guys are moving about in a Pick ´n Pay supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, -*"I´m sorry - I was looking for my wife." -*"What a coincidence, so am I, and I´m getting a little desperate." -*"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" -*"She´s tall, with beautiful long hair, long slender legs, firm body and a very nice backside. What´s your wife look like?" -*"Never mind, let´s look for yours!"

Three Bears!

2008-06-20T20:13:00.000Z

Fannie a South African living in the UK walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, -*"what´ll you have?" Fannie answers, -*" Ja, Give me three pints please." So the bartender brings him three pints and Fannie proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they´re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, -*"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don´t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I´ll bring you a fresh cold one." Fannie says, -*"You don´t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in South Africa. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we´d still drink together. So right now, my brothers are having three Beers too, and we´re drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, -*"I know what your tradition is, and I´d just like to say that I´m sorry that one of your brothers died." Fannie answers, -*"Ag, Nie Man my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Soullja Boy & Sponge Bob

2008-06-06T20:42:00.000Z

Interview with Michael Jackson

2008-06-06T20:37:00.000Z

Mrs Prussy

2008-06-05T03:07:00.000Z

m
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself.
She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.
The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and Little Johnny waved frantically.
The teacher, taken by his enthusiasm, called on him.
In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

Discovery

2008-06-05T03:06:00.000Z

The teacher said, "Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America."
Little Johnny found it, "Here it is!"
"Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?"
The class replied, "Little Johnny!"

Two Horses

2008-06-05T03:05:00.001Z

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Anything For Love

2008-06-05T03:04:00.001Z

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, "Don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for avwhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in an African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

2008-06-05T03:02:00.001Z

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand
was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate
New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a
burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,
and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first
applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the
place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
"Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Shaq is gay

2008-06-05T03:01:00.000Z

2008-06-05T02:57:00.002Z

The Problem With High Self-Esteem

2008-06-02T05:30:00.001Z

One needs to define the meaning of self-esteem, before the much complex word 'high self-esteem' is considered. Dictionaries define self-esteem as," confidence and respect for oneself", or "how much a person likes, accepts, and respects himself, overall as a person". The National Association for Self-Esteem defines it as, " The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness". A balanced high self-esteem is essential for the development of a healthy human being.

Healthy self-esteem, based on basic principles such as worthiness, competence, self-reliance and a genuine desire to love and accept others, enables one to face the challenges in life and emerge victorious in adverse situations. But, if the self-esteem is based on external factors such as ones appearance, family connections, place of birth or social status, it may give an inflated opinion of ones worth and competence from a very early stage in life. The outcome would be an individual with overly high self-esteem or unhealthy high self-esteem, which is unearned.

Self-esteem starts to build up from the time of birth and then on it is a gradual process, helped by ones parents, teachers, peers or society as a whole. It is very important to have good self-esteem during the formative years when one has many issues to deal with. Children may develop a tendency to have a low self-esteem or even an unhealthy high self-esteem that eventually turn into narcissism.

It is paramount that children at this stage are given support and training on basic principles and values in life, teaching them to have good balance between competence, accomplishments and self-worth. Any such training may be adversely affected by indiscriminate use of praise by the teachers and parents, in their attempt to make the children feel more confident. These children may reach adulthood without having understood the real meaning of healthy self-esteem; the pursuit of higher academic accomplishments may create individuals who feel superior, showing egotistical and patronizing behaviour patterns.

It is the over-inflated opinion of ones self-worth and ability that leads to the overly high self-esteem. One can get aggressive if threatened; showing destructive behaviour, drug abuse, drink driving, road-rage or violence, just to prove that one is superior. They also have a vulnerable side to their character that needs constant pampering and may even change or hide personal details to show supremacy over friends and colleagues, either to get a better job or a higher social standing.

Various problems in life can change the perception of people and how they analyse situations. It could be marital problems, financial ruin, alcohol or drug abuse that bring about the changes in ones life, having to resort to different methods to cover up the situation. One may show signs of an unhealthy high self-esteem or enter a phase of denial and pretend to be happy, or go to the other extreme showing signs of low self-esteem. This extreme behaviour pattern often happens when there is total imbalance between what one believes in and what one is capable of doing or the inability to recognise it, which could be the result of an over-inflated opinion of ones personal worth.

There are few people in any society with unhealthy self-esteem who have an uncontrollable urge to control everything. World History shows examples of 'people of small stature', trying to show the world that they are 'big'- Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler and Stalin are few of the examples. Mussolini, Ho-Chi-Min, Mao, King Herod, and Pol Pot are among those who believed in their inflated opinion of self worth. The egotistical, dictatorial and conceited behaviour of these men and many others like them have one thing in common, the self-worthiness becoming narcissism, showing the disharmony between their sense of values and behaviour.

High self-esteem should not be confused with an overly high self-esteem, though quite difficult to distinguish between the two at times. The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale (1965) is the 'gold standard' measure, to arrive at the diagnosis. A sense of self worth, and a sense of ones own capabilities in good equilibrium: harmony between the psychological strength and behaviour could keep the 'overly high self-esteem' at bay.

A good balance between sense of worthiness and confidence in ones abilities is what is required in most situations. Self-education to become aware of the situation and a desire to change by seeking professional help, and interacting with close friends and immediate family would be most welcome and beneficial. But, holding on to the principles and values that one believes in and having the conviction to make the right choices when faced with adversities, one can enjoy a productive life.

© E Menon

I am Dr Elizabeth Menon, working in the UK. I love writing and my articles have been published in the UK and abroad. My hobbies include reading, writing, gardening, cooking, watching films, listening to music, helping environmental causes etc.

Please visit my homepage at: http://omana.net/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Elizabeth_Menon

Chris Rock and Obama

2008-05-19T01:04:00.001Z

Kiss Mi Rarse

2008-05-19T00:49:00.000Z

Jamaican Video Dating

2008-05-19T00:45:00.001Z

White Ape

2008-05-19T00:41:00.001Z

Barak Cartoons and Jokes

2008-05-19T00:36:00.001Z

Soldier Boy Obama

2008-05-19T00:30:00.000Z

Crush On Obama

2008-05-19T00:26:00.000Z

Christmas Question Ho!

2007-12-07T16:03:00.000Z

HO Ho Ho
Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on
slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the
sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer
named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend
towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a geronto-
phile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole
has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask
the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this
is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun don't shine", which
applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say
"Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his
winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he
doesn't take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the
fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits
little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that
lacks basic security measures?
A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

Sponge Bob is a Batty Bwoy

2007-12-07T15:35:00.000Z

A GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION IN SOUTH AFRICA

2007-12-07T15:25:00.001Z

A GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION IN SOUTH AFRICA
Beck - not the front
Beds - doves, vultures, etc.
Ben - to set alight
Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey
Errors - districts, e.g. "Ebbon errors" (urban areas)
Feather - Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg
Guddin - around your house, where you grow plants
Get - a hinged opening in a fence
Hair - as opposed to him
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Itch - as in "itch and aviary pairsin"
Kennel - Army officer
Len - to acquire knowledge
Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people
Phlegm - the hot part at the end of a candle
Piss - symbolised by white doves
Suffa-Ring - as in "the pee-pull are suffa-ring"
Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen
Toks - Negotiations
Weaner - the weaner takes all
Wekkas - they do the wek
Weld - The Earth