WatchTVSitcoms Blog

What is going on?

2009-02-18T15:20:00.000-08:00

First they were nagging about those 60-year-olds that had a kid. Then that freak had 8 babies. And now some 13 year old "might" be Britain's youngest father. And I say might because about 8 other kids his age also say it was theirs.

And now New York Governor David Patterson wants to tax internet porn. You see, the economic solution has been right here in our hands all a long. But seriously, if this plan goes through, Bill Clinton alone will be able to set this country straight. Actually, I think that he's just mad that he can't see any of it.

Scientists at NASA have said that there could be over 100 other planets like the Earth in our Solar System. And all of them are in better financial shape than we are.

Last week, a Russian satellite and an American satellite collided in outer space. And today, Sarah Palin said that she saw the collision from her house. If you ask me, I think that the US wanted to knock down the satellite and make it look like an accident.

And a 36-year-old teacher got arrested for skipping class in order to work as a prostitute. This is completely unacceptable. Those poor children! They had to have sex with the substitute.

New Logos

2009-02-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

Companies are down the drain, so they have to redesign their logos.

Public Service Announcement

2009-02-09T23:01:00.000-08:00

With a lot of CEOs going to jail, it is important for me to remind you that if you get a notice to serve on a jury, you'd better go. If you miss jury duty, you're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. you're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.

There are four things all over the news today:

-That tool Christian Bale freaking out because somebody had to walk

-That stupid kid who got high after going to the dentist

-Chris Brown assaulting Rhianna

-Obama hitting his head on Air Force One. This was his 6th trip.

If I were a Republican, I would say that Obama hitting his head is a sign from God that he is a disaster. But I'm not a Republican. So I will say that him taking 6 trips on Air Force one after only two weeks in office is a disaster. What the hell is this man doing?

All of his appointees are frauds. None of them paid their taxes. And now Congress has to make a trillion dollars appear out of thin air just to keep the economy alive.

And the Post Office is going to have some serious changes. You know when you go to the post office and there is that one window open? They are closing that window.

Do you know how many people work at the post office? About half!

But seriously, they are cutting Saturday delivery. That means that millions of Americans will have to have sex with the UPS guy instead!

And Then The Fight Started

2009-02-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

----------

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she sees and says to me, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I reply, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....

----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

The Economy Is Strong

2009-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

The Super Bowl is the best indicator of our economic strength. In 2000, companies like petsovernight.com could afford to run multiple advertisments about how they can bring a giraffe right to your door in a cardboard box.

Last year Cadillac had a six-minute commercial, and others had people who had money coming out the wazoo.

And today, who the hell is advertising? We have Ed McMahon, the guy who used to give random people checks for $5,000,000, and now he's doing a commercial where he has to give away his belongings to cash4gold.com for money. What's going on? And Denny's gave everbody in America a free breakfast.

And Hyuandai is telling you that if you buy a car from them and you lose your job, you can give them your car back without any impact on your credit. The other car companies couldn't even afford to run ads.

Even Budweiser has been affected. Their first ad was about an office meeting trying to cut costs.

And then E*TRADE has to have your 2-year old tell you about the economy.

And then another group of office workers trying to steal Doritos from the vending machine.

So in sum, we're totally screwed!

That Tool Christian Bale Freaks Out

2009-02-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

That thin-lipped American-acting-job-stealing Christian Bale was on the set of some shit movie. It's called Terminator 4, which is the re-make of a re-make of a re-make that nobody will watch. And some lighting dude was walking by the set during one of the shoots. So that Bale decided that he would freak out on him.

I almost confused the recording for Rod Blagojevich

These actors need to shut the hell up. They think that they're everything because they can go on a set and say some stupid lines, and we pay them millions of dollars. They got this job purely by luck. There are tens of thousands of people who can take their spot in a second and work for peanuts.

So if you want to hear him:

Obama will pardon Aretha Franklin's hat

2009-01-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

Some of you are complaining that the bank took your home. You should know that you have it easy. I know a guy with a home and his mother-in-law is moving in with him.

Speaking of which, the final numbers for the inauguration are in. 4,000,000 attended, whereas only 200,000 attended Bush's inauguration. But of course, there are more unemployed people now.

And I have just received word that Obama has pardoned Aretha Franklin's hat. The wind blew it off of her head and it flattened 19 people.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they ruined up the oath by not mentioning the word "faithful". Those pesky Republicans just had to get one more screw up in seconds before Obama became president. But who can blame them? It's not like anybody in Washington understands the meaning of the word faithful.

And I heard that all of the US Airways passengers who landed in the Hudson River received $5000 checks. And they are also getting 3 frequent flyer miles. I also heard that they gave them the choice of landing in Newark or in the river and they all took the river. And the passengers who paid $25 for a life vest were able to float. It's quite amazing that the rescue crews were able to save all of the passengers and also pull out 3 mob bodies from the river.

Seriously, though, Hillary Clinton was officially confirmed yesterday. Senate voted 16-1 for her. Only David Vitter voted against her (he said that he isn't used to getting behind a woman without paying her $300 first).

On the topic of the Senate, Blagojevich's senator was rejected because he doesn't meet their ethical standards. I wonder which Senator rejected him? Was it the one who embezzled the money and hid it in his freezer? Or the one who sent dirty text messages to underage boys? Or maybe the one who replaced the one who sent dirty text messages and then was caught in an affair with his secretary and had to fire her? Or maybe the one with the hooker? No, I bet it's the one who was caught having random gay sex in an airport bathroom stall!

Speaking of which, it's so cold in Chicago that if you buy a Senate Seat Blagojevich will throw in a free seat warmer. And if it still doesn't sell, then he is going to wait until summer when prices improve. The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, he thanked the Court and said "Your check is in the mail".

And Sanjay Gupta will probably be the Surgeon General. I think he is a great choice if he has been able to keep Larry King alive for all of these years. You know, now I realize why they call it Larry King Live. When Sanjay is gone from CNN, they will have to call it Larry King Dead.

I'll tell you that the economy is rough. People are standing behind George Bush just to get the free shoes. Actually, Iraqi's can only afford to throw one show at US Presidents now. And that dog from Marley & Me phoned Michael Vick to schedule some fights.

If a Tree Falls In The Woods Fell On Barack Obama Will Anyone Hear It?

2009-01-22T23:11:00.001-08:00

I want to start off by giving my warmest wishes to the new President, Barack Hussein Obama.

Mr. Citizen George W. Bush left Washington DC with his head held high; that is the only way he can see shoes being thrown at him. And Dick Cheney was on a wheelchair. He broke his back trying to lift the price of oil.

So Barack Obama's first order of business is to lead by example. He froze all of the executive salaries, except for his own of course. That has to go up for God only knows what reason. And he also ordered that gitmo be closed, in a year. And the prisoners will either be sent to their own countries where they will be executed, or they will be brought to US prisons where they will wish they could be executed.

And he also ordered the CIA to close their secret prisons wherever they are as soon as possible. Seriously, even Obama does not know where the secret prisons are.

And people are complaining that Obama didn't say the word faithfully in his oath. So he won't be a "faithful" president. Seriously? You think that this guy just didn't say that word so that he can do anything he wants? Bush said the oath and you can see what kind of a job he did.

I Just Thought of Something Awesome!

2009-01-16T13:34:00.000-08:00

Obama is God's punishment for us having elected George W. Bush to two terms in office.

Important Notice

2009-01-16T13:27:00.001-08:00

I would like to remind you that on Tuesday, over 4 million people will gather in Washington DC to witness something that could only happen in America: all of them will fight over the same porta-potty.

Farwell From The Monkey-In-Chief

2009-01-16T13:19:00.001-08:00

As if the crap that we have put up for the last eight years wasn't enough, Mr. President George W. Bush had to interrupt 15 minutes of prime time television last night to say good bye.

Most of the highlights: Mr. Obama as another example of his arrogance and contempt decided to go to dinner instead of watching the speech, which was a freaking block from where he was staying!!! May the Lord protect us from this Mr. Obama and what is to come.

Many of you hate Mr. President George W. Bush because of his eight years of lying, stealing, and murder for profit; all veiled by a veneer of arrogant folksiness, mean-spirited fundamentalist thinking, and clever "reinterpretation" of domestic and international laws combined with a complete lack of oversight, and no accountabilty. Well you people are so stupid that you have lost any ability to be objective.

But remember that Bush did everything with integrity. And he also talked to God. Because God talks to a dry-drunk who abused small animals as a child and tortured fellow students by branding them with a red hot coat hanger.

I want to thank Mr. President George W. Bush for all of the entertainment that he has provided me, from the tap dancing, to the not figuring out how to open the door in China, to the weird dancing with those Africans to the getting shoes thrown at you, not to mention all of the hilarious things that he keeps saying.

And CNN would like to thank you. Without the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, gitmo, the collapse of the economy, the flaccid response to Hurricane Katrina, the warrantless wiretaps, and the collapse of social security, there would be no news. Except on FOX news where they would still be talking about how great Bush is.

Just look at the great wishes that one lady has for Mr. President George W. Bush:

Don't go back to Texas. Texas is too good for you. Buy a ticket to the Netherlands, and turn yourself in to the Hague for prosecution as the bloodthirsty tyrannical war criminal you are.

And another one said:

I hope you live FOREVER Bush, so that you can see just how much the world hates you, and watch every evil act you did undone. You should live to see every history book in the world curse your name, and hear from every mountain top and low valley of America a chorus of condemnation that you were the worst person ever to have held the Presidency. I want you to watch as every one of the crimes you committed in secret are revealed, one by one, to the world and to a shocked American public, so that you can hear yourself cursed, and see your effigy burn, over and over and over again.

I want you to feel the hate of the American people you betrayed burn in your stomach, and smell the stench of your fettered corruption as it rots away. So that many decades from now, when you finally lie on your deathbed as a feeble, shriveled corpse, the last breath escaping from your wrinkled lips, you will know that your entire life on this planet was a waste, that you will be remembered only with hate, and that in the next life, you will burn in hell for what you have done.

It Only Took One Dick To Screw The Entire Nation

2009-01-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

It's time for George W. Bush to head home. He only has two weeks left in office, and then

He's going to Texas without His Dick.

Because he's leaving His Dick behind in Washington.

And this is a major change because he always thinks with His Dick.

His Dick had a lot of experiences.

And His Dick has put him in a lot of weird positions.

And His Dick also has been the source of laughter and embarrasment.

Like the time that His Dick shot someone in the face.

So after this many years I don't think that his wife will miss His Dick.

And it's probably for the better since His Dick is really an asshole.

And of course, Obama doesn't have a Dick.

Dust Is Mud With The Juice Squeezed Out

2009-01-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

I spent a long long time telling you how bad Barack Hussein Obama was. I called him black. I called him white. I called him a racist. I called him an elitist. I called him a terrorist. I called him Sadaam Hussein's nephew. I said that he ate shit and wiped his ass with sandpaper.

And today I looked at the calendar and I saw that it is already January 2009 and that he will take over in two weeks.

So I decided that I would give him two weeks of peace. Well, more like four weeks, since I haven't written anything in the last two weeks.

Well, he might not get that long. He's going to do something stupid. Actually, I heard today that some terrorists said that they are carrying out these attacks just because of Obama. But I can't find the article, so I won't mention it.

What does this have to do with the title of this post? Absolutely nothing.

My Predictions For 2009

2009-01-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

This is going to be one shitty year. There will be more unemployed people than you can shake a retarded baby at. Which is why he is retarded by the way...

Anyways, speaking of the Palin's, they have faded back into non-existance, until we suddenly need another pile of mavericks, you betchas, and shopping sprees. But I will mention that one of her slut daughters just gave birth to her own bundle of joy. I still can't understand why she didn't get an abortion. And why her mother didn't get an abortion...or six. And they are going to name the baby after a kitchen appliance. They should've called him Joe The Baby.

So my prediction is that this year will suck. Every single American corporation go broke because nobody wants to buy its crap. And then every single CEO will end up going to jail for spending corporate funds on diamonds. And you will all lose your jobs.

And nobody will be able to fix it. Not Barack Obama. Not even me. And I've fixed a lot of things. I made General Motors profitable, I got the British to make a watchable television show that had more than three episodes, I painted a portrait that makes the Mona Lisa look like a piece of toilet paper, and I've even cured cancer, herpes simplex, and gayness.

Shoes of Mass Destruction

2008-12-16T20:13:00.000-08:00

There are too many people bitching about Obama being (s0mewhat) black and Muslim. But we have more serious things to discuss here.

Bush almost got assassinated again. The last time, they threw a grenade at him but it didn't go off (they always forget to tell us about this). But he swerved and missed the shoe. The last time he dodged something this good, it was the Vietnam draft.

You know what would've been good? If Bush picked up the shoes and threw them back! That is what I would've done.

I think that Bush needs to review his security detail though. The secret service didn't jump in front of the second shoe! Aren't these people supposed to dodge bullets for him?

They talked to the journalist who threw the shoe about his motivation. He said that he looked down at the shoe and it said "Just do it". They are still talking to him to see who made him become a Shoe-icide bomber. And they want to know if he is a Shoe-ni or a Shoe-ite. When will they learn that we need Shoe Control! This guy probably just walked into a Payless and they didn't even do a background check on him!

And now Sarah Palin really wants to be President. Free shoes! You betcha!

But seriously, Bush asked them not to arrest the guy. He calls the shoes being thrown at the most powerful man in the world signs of democracy. But the guy will be charged with attempted murder. That is, if he is even still alive.

On to other things; Sarah Palin's Church got burned down last week. Do you know who did it? Joe the Arsonist!

And Governor Schwarzenegger said that the budget crisis in California is getting worse. They may have to start selling Senate seats.

Welcome To My Hanging

2008-12-10T00:20:00.000-08:00

Today, Mr. Bush unveiled his Presidential Portrait. And he said "welcome to my hanging". I would make a joke here, but it writes itself.

Also, Barack Obama's Senate seat is for sale. It's still brand new because I don't think that he was doing any sitting over the last eighteen months.

And who is selling it? It's none other than Rod BLAGOJEVICH, who I've never heard of up until yesterday. It turns out that he is the governor of Illinois. He said that this f****** senate seat is worth a lot and that he isn't giving it away for nothing. And he said that if he gives the senate seat, he wants something big in return because he wants to make some money. So he hoped that he would pick somebody, and Obama would make him Secretary of Energy or Health And Human Services. Or at least get him a private sector job. Or he would appoint himself as Senator.

His consultants are telling him that he has to suck it up for two years and do nothing and give this motherf***** the President-elect his senator. F*** him. For nothing? F*** him. Well eventually he found guy to give it to but before I just give f****** Senate Candidate a
f******* Senate seat and I don’t get anything he needs a way to relieve his financial stress.

I Drink Milk For Breakfast Because OJ Will Kill You

2008-12-07T01:27:00.000-08:00

OJ got 33 years in prison for something. What did he do again? He tried to steal back his stolen stuff? Oh, and he also killed his wife and some other guy.

He figured if he could get away with murder, armed robbery would be a piece of cake! Isn't American something? You can kill two people and get away with it, but then another Court makes you pay the victim's family millions, and then you steal your own football jersey and you go away for life!

And really, who is to blame here? This time, it isn't Barack Hussein Obama, although I could probably come up with a reason as to why it would be him. But the real culprit here is Mr. Goldman. Mr. Goldman drove OJ Simpson over the edge. First he had to have a son that OJ killed. And then he had to sue OJ for killing his son. And then he took away OJs book about how he would have killed them (without admitting that he killed them). And now, OJ had no money left. He was driven over the edge, so he had to hold those guys up in a Vegas hotel room.

Some people are concerned that OJ will get his ass kicked in a Nevada jail. But I think that he will do just fine. He will be running the prison in no time. So in tribute, here are some OJ jokes:

-So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed.

-The new slogan for Las Vegas is "Whatever happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas". Actually, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to 'Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf-----.'

-O.J. Simpson said he was in Vegas with some golf buddies for a wedding, and one of the guys just happened to have a gun. Really? Who goes golfing with a gun? ... Robert Blake? And second of all, who invites O.J. to their wedding?

-O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he was anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now.

- He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough.

-How do you find O.J. on the Internet?

Type : slash...backslash...backslash...backslash...escape

-After the jury announced that O.J. was Not Guilty, the first thing he said was, Give me my hat and gloves, I'm out of here!

-What does O.J. have in common with a box of fireworks? They both kill people, but we let them off anyway!

-What is the slogan of OJ's new limo service? We'll get you to the airport with time to kill.

-O.J. [Simpson] was involved in a robbery at a Las Vegas casino. ... He was at The Palms, which is the same hotel where Britney Spears sang in the MTV Awards. That makes two failed comebacks in the same week

You All Suck

2008-12-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

Last week I told you that you needed to go and buy the shit out of everything. And instead, we are now in a recession. Those eight Wal-Mart employees got trampled to death for nothing.

So that is another thing that I should bring up. Why the hell did you people kill those Wal-Mart employees? In Rhode Island, there were all of these fat bitches lining up in front of the Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. And Cletus the security guard was behind the door. And all of those fat bitches were lining up to save 40 cents on a roll of made-in-China lead-filled toilet paper. So they broke the door and trampled the security guard.

Cletus the security guard died. And all those shoppers saved money, and then they walked all over him on the way out.

But now the family of Cletus the security guard will sue Wal-Mart for $5 million and this will be the best Christmas they ever had. They will always remember him because they will put his picture on top of their new 52" high definition plasma television. You know, I hope that they get their settlement paid in Wal-Mart merchandise.

And who the hell are all of these useless people that are so desperate as to line up in front of Wal-Mart? If we blew up the Wal-Mart, nobody would notice. And they wouldn't leave anything behind either. So Wal-Mart has come out with a new solution: in the city where I live, two of the Wal-Marts are open 24/7.

It's like we can't have enough cheap plastic shit that will end up in the dump within a week. And why the hell is that? It's because I told you that you needed to go and buy the shit out of everything. I should have clairified. You should go and buy the shit out of everything that is not on sale.

More Breaking Freaking News

2008-11-25T21:55:00.001-08:00

Barack Hussein Obama has just appointed Monica Lewinsky to be Secretary of Blowjobs. She will mostly service Hillary Clinton.

Are you feeling the crunch of the crippling economy? Well, are you? Because American CEOs everywhere are. They are BEGGING for money. In fact, if the $700 billion wasn't enough, now it's looking like $7 TRILLION.

A whole bunch of CEOs decided to steal all the money, so their companies had to lay you off, and at the same time, those companies stopped advertising all the shitty products that they made. So on Thursday, you and your family are going to eat canned turkey for Thanksgiving. And then you aren't going to go shopping on Black Friday. And then on Monday the CEOs will whine about how you, yes you, are to blame for the low sales. And they are going to be forced to beg again. That's right; Congress hasn't bailed out the retail industry yet.

So this weekend, you must outspend the shit out of everybody you know. You must do it for yourself. You must do it for your country. And above all else, you must do it for some fat CEO. The man's got dignity. Don't make him come down to your level and have to beg.

Bastards Sue McDonalds

2008-11-24T00:26:00.000-08:00

Some bastard and his wife are suing McDonalds because - get this - naked pictures of them ended up on the Internet!

The idiot and his wife took pictures of each other on their cell phone. And then they forgot it at McDonalds. So now it's McDonalds problem. Idiots.

It seems like you can get money from McDonalds for anything. I'm going over there right now to choke on a napkin.

I have to tell you that this is all Barack Hussein Obama's fault. He holds the kind of bullshit attitude that you should get everything handed to you and that somebody else is to blame for everything - even your own stupidity. And he's a lawyer.

Whatever Losers

2008-11-23T00:03:00.000-08:00

Kenny Short said "Obama will destroy this country. He will change this and that and because of that all the small business will be destroyed. The recent presidential election shows what I have thought to be true for along time, there are a lot of stupid people out there."

I agree. Bush made all of the big businesses like GM, United Airlines, and Dell into small businesses. They're all losing money. And they're all laying off 95% of their employees. So Barack Obama (notice that I didn't use his degrading middle name, Hussein) might as well finish the job.

And yes, who thought that Barack Obama would get elected? I mean, all he did was smooth talk his hope and light and vision into the hearts of every single American, and then promise to solve all of their problems. There's just one problem: he doesn't even know what the hell he's talking about. The system is a failure, and you can't dismantle the system. And even if you could, you don't have the money.

America tried to prove itself unracist (if such a word even exists), by electing Barack Obama, a (half) black man, and a muslim. Hell, for all you haters out there, Barack HUSSEIN Obama is more muslim than black! He's only half black, if even that much. But all of you decided to prove to yourselves that you aren't racist. So you voted for the idiot.

Really though, this election was screwed from the get-go. Once they got rid of Hillary, there were no good candidates left. You had Obama. You had $400-haircut Edwards. You had senile, shit-his-pants John McCain. You had 14-wife-having Mormon Mitt Romney. And you had fanatical Christian screwed-up-name Huckabee. All of them were going to do a shitty job.

Let me tell you something. Obama plans to tax the living hell out of rich people. John McCain keeps saying that rich people need less taxes so that they can invest money into jobs. But the real reason that John McCain doesn't want to tax the rich is because they make a shit load of money and don't pay any taxes anyways. This is something that you can only learn with experience. So under an Obama administration, the middle-class will pay less taxes, and the rich will pay no taxes. But they'll be so offended that Obama tried to tax them that they'll move their money to China or Iran. And then Obama will try dismantle the entire US for-profit healthcare system in order to give everybody free healthcare even though he has no money because he hasn't collected a dime in taxes.

He's Not President Yet

2008-11-18T21:05:00.001-08:00

Before I start, I want to tell all of you haters to go to hell. This is my blog and I can post whatever the hell I want. And also, I'm not Australian. I don't have an Australian sense of humor. I don't ride around in a kangaroo. I don't know what the hell a dingo is. And I don't talk like a freak.

He's not even the freaking president yet, and already, Barack Hussein Obama is changing shit everywhere. For instance, today he posted his weekly radio address on YouTube. Now we can add "post this to 6 videos within the next day or your mother will die" to his weekly radio address. Oops, his mother is dead. I guess that shit works.

And today he appointed some black guy to serve as attorney general. Who is he? I don't know anything about him, except for the following three facts:
-he's black
-he's a lawyer
-he's a black lawyer

So he fits all of the criteria to be a Barack Hussein Obama. If that's not dirty scum, I don't know what the hell is.

Oh, wait, I found some more dirt. It turns out that he's not a Barack Hussein Obama. But he was the lawyer for Chiquita. And he tried to get them out of trouble from when they paid Colombian terrorists protection money so that they could pick their bananas in peace. And he didn't do a very good job either; Chiquita had to pay $25 million and civil suits (which could spell the end of the company) are still pending.

But onto serious issues. The President would like to tell you that the economy is the greatest thing ever and it made America the greatest power ever because it brought us the Internets and the iPod. It's the powerhouse that lets a husband and wife to start their own business or an immigrant to open a new restaurant. It also allows a 20-something derivatives trader to make a $30 million commission pushing imaginary money from one unregulated house-of-cards to another in the process of bankrupting millions of people who actually work for a living.

Happy Birthday

2008-11-14T09:13:00.001-08:00

Contrary to all of the crap and bullshit that I've said, here are some actual quotes from Barack Hussein Obama:

"I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn't think I'd ever run for President."

"I share the politics of Alfred E. Smith and the ears of Alfred E. Neumann."

"Can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek Columns that I requested?"

"Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jorel to save the Planet Earth."

"Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for 'that one'."

"Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome. "

"First of all, my middle name is not what you think. It's actually Steve. That's right. Barack Steve Obama. "

Let it be known that this blog has heard everything that Barack Hussein Obama has said and that it will hold him accountable throughout his four year term (assuming he even makes it to the end!). Nothing, not his race, nor his religion, nor the color of his skin, nor his continued association with America-haters, will be off limits. This blog is not afraid of you and it is not afraid of public opinion.

On an unrelated note, I would like to wish Prince Charles a happy 60th birthday (hence the title of this post). I swear, he doesn't look a day over 100.

I sincerely hope that he becomes Queen, because that would mean that Queen Elizabeth is dead.

"President" Obama

2008-11-12T00:18:00.001-08:00

Well, he may have won the election, but Obama still has to survive until inauguration day. So you will all shut up until then.

By the way, I don't know why you sheep are all so proud of a black president. I mean, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, Somalia, and Kenya all have black presidents. It's no big deal to them!

Seriously though, it will only be a short while until he manages to screw everything up beyond belief. He will tax the shit out of the rich, the semi-rich, the people who pretend to be rich, the middle-class, and the wiggers. They will take their money elsewhere. And nobody will let him dismantle the corrupt, poor-people-eating system we are proud to call capitalism. His own party will eat him alive within two years, and all of you voters will get nothing.

Now maybe you will insist that he is better than Sarah Palin.

Journalists are now reporting that she threw temper-tantrums each morning after reading press clippings.

And she thought that Africa was a country.

And she didn't know how the government worked.

But now she has been tagged and released back into Alaska. Some of you thought that she would get a book-deal out of this (she can't read), while others believe that she will get a talk-show (she can't talk either!). But based on the size of offspring, I know one thing that she must be good at. Sarah Palin has been offered $2 million to star in a porn movie. And if her loser husband co-stars, they will give him a snow mobile!

Breaking Freaking News

2008-10-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

Earlier, I reported that terrorist-name-sharing Barack Hussein Obama was a Muslim and a terrorist. Well, it has been discovered that he also a COMMUNIST. That's right, a filthy, evil, pinko commie!

And he wants to make America into a communist nation. It's quite obvious that he's a communist now. Just take a look at the overwhelming evidence:

-He has a cult of personality. Wherever you go, you see his face and that toothy grin. If that doesn't resemble Stalin, I don't know what does.

-He keeps running 30-minute long propaganda ads on television. They had to delay the World Series so that he could say some crap that we've already heard a thousand times by now.

-He keeps bringing up the message of hope and the future and how somehow it will all get better.

-He wants to spread the wealth and destroy social classes. Everybody will get a handout. Everybody will have rights.

-People keep getting arrested for trying to kill him. It's like he has secret police surrounding him all the time. How many people have tried to kill John McCain?