just can't get enough

breathing

2009-06-08T13:27:00.002-04:00

Just re-read my last post... a bit "whiney" perhaps? Fact is, I love my life. Busy with work (both contract and freelance) as well as anticipating a little home decorating before the end of the month.

What I really need and want is a vacation! As soon as the weather permits, I'll be off to Hanlan's Point for a little R&R.

THAT would set me up just right!

Rushing toward summer Solstice

2009-06-06T21:48:00.004-04:00

Been having regular "darker" moments over the past several weeks... is it time for my medication yet?

Not much enthusiasm for anything these daze. I continue to haul this carcass out of bed each morning and do what needs to be done during the day. Fall into bed and do it again.

There's got to be more than this.

Tattoo part 1

2008-12-15T20:25:00.002-05:00

Jhe got the outline done today. Probably needs 3 to 5 days to heal before he retraces the outline in a more solid line (that's part 2). After another week or two of healing then the shapes fill in (part 3).

Flying Time

2008-12-14T15:09:00.006-05:00

I keep telling myself I'll post more often... and then I don't.

Been shifting my thinking over the past several weeks. The past long while has been a period of hibernation/cocooning... the moves, the relationship changes, the job changes...

2009 is another "coming out" year for me... revitalizing my presence on the landscape, moving my business forward, sorting out priorities and taking action...

...and posting with more frequency!

Tomorrow I finally get together with Jhe to do the tattoo! THERE's a marker!

2008-10-29T11:19:00.001-04:00

still moving through

2008-07-28T14:00:00.002-04:00

I'm slightly appalled at how my emotions trip me up daily. I'm trying so hard to find a positive place to be in the midst of the emotional turmoil I'm experiencing right now. But solace escapes me... I continue to ache and ache and ache.

Everyone's been quite liberal with their comments and condolences... the cliches run fast and thick. "Time heals all wounds." "Every time a door closes..." and stuff. It doesn't help.

I've read that the stages of grief one experiences at the end of a relationship are very similar to the stages of grief one experiences when a loved one dies. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are the anticipated stages, although not everyone experiences all of them nor do they necessarily occur in the order presented. I'm recognizing some of these in myself now.

Blind-sided by the sheer weight of my grief, I am finding it difficult to concentrate on the daily tasks and responsibilities I carry. I hope this won't go on much longer.

Most days things are fine...

2008-07-24T01:11:00.003-04:00

... then *bam!* I have a "bad Matt day" when I miss him with every fibre of my being.

When that happens, I try to attend to my emotional guidance system and redirect my thoughts to another place... one more aligned with my ideals of what adult relationships can be (should be?)

But it's not an easy thing, to shift your thinking in this way. Sometimes it can take hours to find thoughts that are more in tune with who/what/where I want to be... and during that time tears may flow, the heart aches... I am exhausted.

I feel a bit like I'm learning to walk again after having a leg amputated... bumping into things, feeling disoriented, frustrated.

"The mind may grow wise... but the heart remains a child."

-EBTG

Taking the high road

2008-07-13T16:36:00.004-04:00

So this is the end... Matt and I have finally reconfigured our relationship from "monogamous gay couple" to "friends with (occasional) benefits". He'll be in his own apartment at mid-August, at which point we'll probably see considerably less of each other, as he's found someone else he wants to date, know, be with.

I'd be lying if I said this isn't one of the most painful experiences of my adult life, yet I remain committed to taking the high road in this and allowing this new arrangement to unfold as it will... without (too much) drama.

I do believe I was the perfect partner for Matt at the time in his life when changes were everywhere... coming out to his family and moving from a rented bedroom in the hinterland to his own apartment downtown. He acknowledges this and I do believe he genuinely appreciates me for it.

But his heart's not for me and I accept that. I do hope he will continue to make some time for a friend... but if not, at least we had the last 18 months together. It was also a time of chaotic change for me and I'm glad he was around during that time.

Adieu, beautiful boy.

Dating Poverty

2008-01-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

He's intelligent, often witty and rather clever. Seems well-read and passionate about social issues. He makes you laugh (often) and supports you in everything you do. His fashion sense seems a bit "out there" but he doesn't take himself too seriously.

He gives great head. He loves you totally and without reservation.

And he's poor.

Not just "a little short this week". POOR. Struggling to make ends meet, pay the rent, keep his phone going. He's not a junkie or a hustler. He's a pretty ordinary guy behind appearances. He wants to be loved... and he loves you.

Now what?

Moving again...

2007-10-13T15:38:00.001-04:00

Turns out my "winter palace" isn't. Looking to move into a reasonably-priced bachelor or junior one bedroom apartment for November 1.

"A gift wrapped in obligation isn't a gift... it's a transaction".

Fold the tent and saddle the camel... I'm a new nomad

2007-08-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

Time's UP! Wrestling with finances, trying to carry the load for recalcitrant boarders and craving change has brought me to this place, where I feel I must uproot, divest myself of accumulations from more than a decade of pack rat behaviour and relocate to more modest digs.

Hoping my co-op will co-operate and allow me to exit without the standard 60-day notice period. A month of yard sales should help lighten the load on several fronts, reducing the number of items to be packed and moved, and chipping away at burdensome debts.

Anyone in the market for a beautiful set of custom-made, baroque style gold-leaf bevelled mirrors?

Dismantling the squat in my basement

2007-07-01T12:45:00.001-04:00

Happy Canada Day 2007!

The beach! The beach!

2007-05-26T11:35:00.000-04:00

Went to Hanlan's Point with Matt last week... we both had a great time. There's nothing like introducing someone to a new experience for them that's an old experience for you, to open your eyes to stuff you may be taking for granted.

We'll go again this week on Monday or Tuesday, weather permitting. (It damn well better!)

The Miniature Earth

2006-12-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes 'worse' isn't the right word

2006-11-24T11:03:00.000-05:00

In a follow-up to this morning's tragic posting, I'm here to tell you that sometimes emotional pain isn't 'worse'... sometimes it's exactly what we need.

The hard casing is starting to crack in important ways that leave me feeling exhausted and more human than I've ever felt before.

More news as it happens.

Does it get worse?

2006-11-24T02:24:00.000-05:00

With all the miles on me, you'd think I'd have some experience with this... but I don't. Disappointment is born of expectation, so I've got to presume the crushing disappointment that's bruising my heart right now is the proceeds of a massive (and apparently unwarranted) expectation.

I can barely breathe with the weight of this pressing down on me. Disappointed, confused, and profoundly lonely in an instant...

...and dinner was so pleasant. I am lost.

Unravelling

2006-11-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

Been running on 'high' for weeks... moving so fast to nowhere in particular.

I keep saying 'no expectations' & yet... I DO have expectations... that it will be fabulous, whatever it is...

...and then it isn't.

Damn!

FFN4 (There are bears in the garden!)

2006-08-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

Belief

2006-07-29T12:16:00.000-04:00

People don't believe what you tell them.

They rarely believe what you show them.

They often believe what their friends tell them.

They always believe what they tell themselves.

Posted by Seth Godin on July 29, 2006 at http://sethgodin.typepad.com

Here's to the crazy ones

2006-07-22T13:05:00.000-04:00

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo.

You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.

Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

We make tools for these kinds of people. While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

The single biggest problem in communication...

2006-07-08T18:07:00.000-04:00

...is the illusion that it has taken place.

- George Bernard Shaw.
Irish literary Critic, Playwright and Essayist.
1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, 1856-1950

Greek Poutine!

2006-01-29T17:20:00.000-05:00

Ari's Place Restaurant
229 Roncesvalles Avenue
Toronto ON M6R 2L6
(416) 533-0100 Peter

An extraordinary treat... excellent fries smothered in crumbled feta and well-dressed in a very nice gravy. Very salty and full of self-indulgent badness. LOVED IT!

(BEEFCAKE ALERT! Peter and his brother are delightful! Peter told me his brother's name but his smile blinded me... send me an e-mail and I'll update this posting.)

See you there every other Friday!

BFW

2006-01-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

On the way home from Joel's this evening, as I jumped from streetcar to streetcar, maneuvering my way east and south... at one point, I looked down at my chest, with leather vest, and felt the most extraordinary glow of pleasure and appreciation for my life. That "Boyfriend Within" thing seemed, for a moment, present and real and true.

Just when you thought it was safe

2006-01-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought it was safe to dive back into the Internet... everything stays the same. After spending most of the afternoon chatting with someone who appeared genuine, I found myself eating meatloaf at The Griddle... alone.

Again.

Sometimes you see it coming... and sometimes you don't.

GoGratitude Experiment

2005-12-13T15:55:00.000-05:00

GoGratitude Experiment